Breakable, the Truth Hurts
by Soft Ragoo
Summary: Edward is very human in this story. Human and breakable. When he meets Bella and they bond through friends, he looks ahead to the future and breaks out of his protective shell. Leaving himself open, his world shatters as his friends try to help him heal.
1. Chapter 1

**_All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. I just like to play with them. This is story of human Edward, Bella and the Cullens. I do not use the usual pairings for this story and there is plenty of angst down the road as well as mature language and themes. _**

**Chapter 1**

"So I met this chick!"

My brother burst into my room uninvited, as usual. "Cool," I replied knowing he would continue with or without a reaction from me. I turned the page of my book and tried to look engrossed in it.

"Dude, she is totally hot."

"Great. Go for it."

"Seriously man, I know I said the last one was the shit but this one blows her away." Throwing himself on my bed beside the chair I was in, he grabbed my book and tossed it across the room.

"Emmett! Christ! That's not even mine! If I return it damaged there'll be hell to pay."

"Boo-hoo. It's just a book. Are you interested in what I have to say or not?"

Making a show of actually giving it some thought, I stroked my chin. "Not," I replied. "But I'm sure you'll tell me what a great lay she is... uh, tomorrow?" My brother fell in love practically once a month. One out, next one in. I was somehow lucky enough to be privvy to all the dirty details.

"Better! You get to meet her!"

"Wow. Must be serious." I rolled my eyes as I stretched my legs out and yawned.

"Tonight," he announced, smug smile on his face.

"Oh? She likes hanging in dorms on dates? Classy."

"No. You're coming out with us."

Swivelling my chair around to face him, I raised an eyebrow. "And if I said I have other plans?"

"I'd say you're breaking them. Besides, who are we kidding here? You never have plans."

"I do, in fact, have plans. Why would I break them for you?"

"Because your plans are lame and mine are cool."

"You don't even know..."

"Don't have to." He sat up and swung his legs around so he sat on the edge of my bed, flashing a grin. "Come on bro... I really need you to back me up tonight."

Sighing in resolve (somehow Emmett has always gotten his way) I went and retrieved my tossed book. "What time and where?"

"Let's say 8..."

"How 'bout we say 9 so I don't bail on Jasper entirely?"

Jasper was my roommate and best friend since 7th grade. His band had a gig booked and I'd promised to help with the grunt work of hauling and setting up. It sucked that I'd miss the performance but at the very least I could fufill my promise.

We finalised our plans and Em left me to let my friend down on my own. Wanting to get it overwith, I rang his cell rather than telling him face to face. Having known me and my brother so long, he understood my plight and let me off the hook, no hard feelings. Except there was on my part. I would rather spend the evening as I had planned. Why had I allowed Emmett to goad me into this?

Rather than sit around beating myself up over my weakness, I decided to at least help with what I could here, in our room. I packed his guitar, including his favourite gig strap, numerous picks and an extra set of strings. Setting the case on his bed, I went to my closet and dumped the crate I used to store crap. By crap I mean anything that's laying about when we have unexpected visitors. I keep meaning to clean it out... Anyway, it was needed tonight for toting cords and pedals. Adding a finishing touch to my packing job, I tossed his favourite hat into the crate as well. I kicked all the crap that now layed on the floor of my closet further in so the door would close.

"Hey! My White Stripes CD!" I often spoke to myself. Not only did I listen to what I had to say, I was actually interested. "Haven't seen this for months... guess I owe an apology..."

Pushing more debris in with my foot, I unearthed 10 bucks. "Awesome! My luck is turning." I scooped it up before grabbing a light jacket and slamming the door shut. Dropping both on my bed I went to take a pee and brush my teeth. Examining my image in the mirror, I raked my fingers through my mop. It didn't help. Oh well. I locked up and headed downtown. There was a used bookstore near the pub I was meeting Em at that I wanted to have a look in. At least I'd do something for myself today.

I waited outside for Emmett. 9:23. Typical. I was about to send a nasty text when he ran up and grabbed me in a headlock.

"Ass," I said, squirming out of his hold. "I was just about to ditch. Still might."

"Edward, you can't! I'm really counting on you to pick up the slack."

Rolling my eyes at him, I snickered. "Yeah well I don't do circus tricks these days so I don't know how much 'slack' I'll be picking up."

"Not so much slack... What I really need is for you to give me time with my chick, one-on-one."

"Great! I'll leave now then."

"Not a chance!" He laughed and placed his arm around my shoulder. "Your mission tonight is to occupy the friend..."

I stared at him, mouth gaping. "A set-up? Really? Jesus Em, some warning would've been nice. I could've showered. At least changed..." I glanced down to see how bad my situation was. Jeans had a torn cuff but weren't too filthy. I noticed two buttons missing on my shirt for the first time. Shit. I undid the rest and let it hang open over my t-shirt. Not so noticable... I hoped.

"How bad is she?" I asked as Emmett pulled the door open.

"Why do you anticipate the worst?"

"Why would she need a hot friend to hook her up on a blind date?"

"Why do you?"

"Touche."

"Anyway, I don't think she's hideously deformed or anything."

"Great news."

"She's new or something. Hasn't met many people yet."

"So I'm the lucky guy."

"I don't see them." Emmett craned his neck to take a look around the crowded pub. Half the student body was here already.

"She totally stood you up!" I teased. "Probably got sick of waiting."

"There!" he called out proudly and pulled me over towards the corner by the billiards room. "Ladies! Please accept our apologies for keeping you waiting. Buddy had a wardrobe malfunction." He indicated me, still behind him while I rammed my elbow into his ribcage. "Edward, meet..."

"Alice." I finished for him, no introduction needed. Alice and I knew each other well.

* * *

_A/N~I welcome feedback especially since I'm new to this site and this is the first chapter I'm publishing. If anyone would care to be a Beta for me, please contact me. Thanks for reading.~SR_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

She gave a little wave. "Hi. Long time no see."

"Yeah... Yeah, I've been meaning to call..."

"Busy."

"Right. So much going on."

It was Emmett's turn to be out of the loop. "Wait... You two know each other?"

"We're old friends," Alice responded. I nodded my agreement.

"Great!" Emmett plastered a smile on his face and whispered, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Did I know?" I whispered back.

"Well, this is my friend Bella, since she's the only stranger here. Bella, meet Edward and Emmett."

I hadn't even noticed her standing there. Once I'd seen Alice, I'd forgotten there was a fourth. "Hey," I nodded at her.

"Hey," she replied, hands shoved in her pockets, completely uninterested.

"Place is packed tonight," Emmett commented to break the awkward silence. "Should we search for a different venue?"

"We've already got a table, may as well stay put for now," Alice motioned to the table, smaller than a pizza that Jasper and I would order. Being tucked in the corner, it had a bench that wrapped two sides and a stool was stashed underneath.

"Alright, what are you drinking?" There were no glasses on the table, empty or otherwise to indicate their choices. I'd only ever had beer with Alice in the past but maybe her tastes had changed.

"Beer for me," she called out. Guess things hadn't changed too much.

"Same," Bella replied.

"Easy enough. House draughts?"

Receiving nods from all, I went to the bar to place our order. Returning with the frothy pints, I set them on the table and took my only seating option. The stool. I had to move every time someone entered or left the billiards room and took more than a few elbows to the head. Em, you owe me... I grumbled to myself.

"So what have you been doing with yourself Edward?" Alice called over the table.

"Ah, you know. School. And stuff..."

"Heavy course-load this semester?"

I nodded as I sipped my beer. "Keeps me busy."

"Edward's pre-med," Alice leaned over Emmett to tell Bella.

"What do you do Emmett?" she asked.

"Engineering. I'm off this semester doing work placement."

"So when you see a guy in a safety vest holding a 'construction ahead' sign, give Em a wave." I teased, drawing a laugh from Alice and a death stare from my brother.

Ignoring my joke, Bella continued. "Civil engineering? Cool. Last year?"

"Nope. Would be but I'm doing civil and electrical. It'll take another year or two to get both."

I started to make another smartass comment when I was jolted from behind. I managed to stay on the stool but rammed against the table so hard the glasses currently on it sloshed out most of the contents.

"Shit!" Bella wiped at her jacket, now beer covered. "Watch it dickhead!"

Startled, I stammered out an apology.

"Not you. The drunken asshole behind you."

I turned to look at the behemoth drunken asshole behind me.

"She yours?" he barked.

I did the first thing that came to mind and shook my head in denial.

"Good thing. Bitch has a mouth on her that could get you in a lotta trouble pal."

Damn. Why did he have to say that? "I think the lady is within reason with her reaction. We did spill her drink."

"_ON_ me!"

"On her," I agreed wishing she'd shut it.

Behemoth Ass staggered before grabbing hold of my collar and pulling me to my feet and then several inches above the floor.

"Hey hey hey! Mitts off my brother." Emmett stood to defend me. "Now!"

Em was the same height as me, but he worked out. That, combined with his confidence made him a powerhouse. And me, the dweeb hanging by my shirt collar ready to crap myself.

Bella rose to let Emmett out and he lunged at my aggressor. Fists started swinging and here I was, monkey in the middle. Two burly barmen came to break it up but not before I took one to the jaw. "Aw, fuck!" I yelled, giving him a kick as he was being hauled off.

"Night's over boys. You're out." Behemoth Ass had already been tossed, now it was our turn.

"It's not our fault!" Bella protested.

"Let's just go Bella." Alice took her elbow and urged her to follow us out.

Outside, the cooler air felt good initially but then made my jaw sting even more. I rubbed at it, checking for blood.

"Here, let me see." Alice took my hand away and gently turned my head towards the streetlight. "Didn't break the skin but you'll have a helluva bruise tomorrow. We should get some ice."

I followed sullenly to the Burger King on the corner. "I'll wait here," I mumbled outside the door.

Em followed Alice inside and after a brief hesitation, Bella hung back. "I can't believe you two are brothers."

"Ah yes. Genetics are so wonderfully mysterious aren't they? Our parents could have produced two equally average guys. Instead, they spawned a physical phenom and a... me." I attempted to smirk but it hurt too much.

She reached up to touch my face softly. Then, standing on her toes, she kissed my jaw ever so lightly.

"What was that? Pity?"

"An apology. That was all my fault. I should've kept quiet." She actually seemed sincere.

I shrugged and looked away. "No problem. I've taken worse. From him," I tipped my head at Emmett as they came back out.

"Here Edward. Hold this on it. It'll stop the..."

"I know, the internal bleeding that causes bruising. We've covered that in class."

"So, now that we got booted out, the night has officially begun. Where to next?"

He couldn't be serious.

"A lot of people were talking about checking out that new club."

"Sounds good but is there a dress code?" Emmett responded to Alice.

"We'd all be fine," she replied as she looked us over.

"Still, it's a bit early. Think of something else to do for the next hour or so."

Jesus. He was serious. This evening of hell was to continue. Seeing I had no choice but to suck it up and go along, I suggested The Underground. That was my usual haunt as my friends did regular gigs there. At least I wouldn't feel so out of place.

We lucked out with it being ladies' night so we only had to pay for two admissions and the bartender gave me Jasper's discount, as she always did. "Thanks Leah," I smiled sweetly at her. "You're either gonna turn me into a raging alcoholic or make me fall in love with you."

"I don't date drunks Cullen so clean up your act." She blew me a kiss and turned to serve the next guy in line. I laughed as she shot down his flirtations. Leah didn't take shit from anyone. We'd spent a lot of time hanging out over the past year and had built a mutual admiration for each other. I didn't bullshit her so she trusted me. She was a safe outlet for me to practice chatting girls up. Harmless flirting was our schtick.

A new band was wrapping up their set when we left the bar, drinks in hand. They weren't half bad but the crowd wasn't too into them. Every table was occupied and only three girls were in the pit in front of the stage. Probably dates of the band members.

"I'm gonna see if I can find Jaz," I shouted in Emmett's ear before heading to the stage door.

"Cullen, how ya doin'." The Underground employed the coolest people. If you were decent to them, they made it very easy to get along. Assholes, however, were handled as such. Embry was the best example of this. More than a bouncer, he had power over who obtained access to the backstage area. "Thought you weren't comin' tonight."

"My brother's home. Screwed up my night completely. Hey he can cover the door for you when you want to grab a smoke," I offered his services. Least he could do.

"Excellent. There's still a table or two sidestage if you wanna bring him back."

"Dunno... There are girls involved. I have no voice."

Grinning, he slapped me on the back. "I hear ya! Go on back and see Jaz anyway. Table's yours if you want it."

I found the guys tuning up and playing around. "Cullen! You bailed on us dude. Had to unload gear myself... Not in my contract!" Ty, the singer and second guitarist spotted me first and started in on the ribbing I'd known would come.

"Hey, take it up with your manager. I've got my own issues."

"What happened with Emmett? Didn't need a third after all?" Jasper took his foot off the amp in front of him so I could have a seat.

"Shit what a night. He hooked me up with a friend..."

"No!" My friend laughed, but not unkindly. "Oh man, that's the worst! Is she horrible?"

"Don't know. She hasn't really said more than five words to me all night."

"Guys, we need to play extra loud tonight to drown out the silence of Edward's date. Anyone have a problem with that?"

"For my ace roadie? Sure thing," Ty grinned.

"More importantly, for our ace lyricist," the drummer, Jared interjected.

"Hey! I've written some good songs too," Ty countered.

"Song," Jasper said. "Singular. One song that's decent."

Joining into the teasing, Sam, bassist extraordinaire, tossed a playlist at him. "And even that was inspired by Cullen."

They horsed around while Jasper and I continued our talk. "You won't believe who Emmett's date is."

He looked up with interest then reached to unplug his guitar, finished tuning it.

"Alice."

His head shot up. "_ALICE_, Alice? _YOUR_ Alice?"

"She's not _MY_ Alice, but yeah. Weird huh?"

"Uh, yeah. So is it awkward? Has she mentioned..."

"She didn't act like she didn't know me or anything..."

Jasper shook his head. "You should've made a move when you had your chance."

I stared at him in disbelief. He knew more details of the whole Alice debacle than anyone. "Yeah well 'best friends' don't make moves on each other. Right?"

"Oh. Guess that means I shouldn't creep over to your side tonight and profess my undying love," he teased.

"Don't joke. Someday I may be desperate enough to reciprocate."

* * *

We decided to take Embry up on his offer of the side table. The place was packed now. Leah sent drinks for us and the band members, on the house. I think word of the Alice/Emmett predicament had reached her because she gave my arm a little squeeze when she passed over the drinks. "Baby if you ever need to talk, you know I always come in long before my shift starts." I smiled awkardly in response. Bella was there beside me, to help carry a tray back. I didn't want her telling Alice. Which made me wonder what Alice had told her about me. Or if I hadn't even been worth mentioning.

Embry held the door open for us and I passed him a bottle. "From Leah."

"Sweet thing..." He chugged it down and put the empty back on the tray with a smile and a belch. "Have fun kids."

Eclipse, Jasper's band, was already on stage so I set their drinks on an unused amp and returned to our special seating. Ahh, a chair and nobody's elbow in my back. Life was good.

I tried to read Bella's current mood. It was difficult. She seemed to be into the music but she was so edgy. Like she didn't really want to be here. Well too bad sweetheart. You and me both. Well, I wouldn't choose this company anyway.

Between songs, I leaned over to speak to her. "You okay? Do you want another drink or anything?" At least I wouldn't be accused of ignoring her or not being courteous. I'd heard her complaining to Alice earlier about how I was showing off here. Alice came to my defense and it left me bitter. And confused.

"Actually," Bella leaned in to shout back in my ear as the next song cranked up. "I think I'll go get one myself. I'd kinda like a different perspective. Do you mind?"

Was she asking my approval? "Do you want me to come along or is this where you make the great escape?" I teased.

I actually got a smile in response. It kind of blew me away. I'd been so preoccupied watching her ignore me I hadn't noticed how cute she was. Time to step up Cullen, I could hear my friends advising. Make her notice.

"That wasn't a no." I gave her my coy, crooked grin and held my hand out to her. "Let's go then."


	3. Chapter 3

**_Thanks to Stephenie Meyer for the great characters she created for us to be creative with. _**

**Chapter 3**

Turned out Bella wasn't so interested in another drink after all. She paused to watch the performance from the front.

"Do you want to go in the pit?" Eclipse didn't really perform mosh pit music but they always drew people up front anyway. I elbowed our way into the crowd between songs.

"Make way, make way," Jasper took over the mic. "Privileged guest coming through."

Bella blushed as all heads turned to see who he meant. "Wow. They really like you here huh?"

"Oh that wasn't for me. As you can see they like to fill up the front with all the best looking girls." I laughed as Jasper winked at her.

"Listen up!" Ty took back the mic. "It's that oh so special time of the night where we call upon our friends for a bit of help. " The crowd went nuts. Hands waved frantically. Ty motioned to me but I shook my head and took a place directly behind Bella so I could block her from getting shoved. Selecting a curvy brunette who was busting out of her clothes instead, Embry pulled her from the crowd and lifted her on stage.

"It's this thing they do... Everyone loves it. Guest singer." I explained to Bella when she gave me a puzzled look.

"What if they don't know the song?"

"It's easy. Ty sings a line, the guest repeats it. It changes every time. Watch..."

The point of this interaction was to make the guest sing something that made them look ridiculous. It was always a hit and Bella laughed through it too. She was really beginning to loosen up. She even leaned back against me a few times and didn't protest when I put my hands on her waist or an arm around her. She was still smiling when we went backstage at the end of the set. We found Jasper talking to Emmett and Alice. I introduced Bella before he and Em left to load the equipment into the van.

"They're so good!" Bella gushed to Alice.

"I know! I'd forgotten how much fun this was. I've missed it."

"You didn't have to stop coming." My remark came out sounding much harsher than I intended and I regretted it instantly. "Hey, before I forget... Know what turned up tonight? _'Icky Thump'_."

"No! Impossible!" Alice grinned. "You know, since I borrowed it and somehow managed to lose it..."

"Yeah that's something..." I gave her my grin. "Sorry Alice." I gave her a nudge with my shoulder. A 'buddy' thing we used to do.

She grinned in response. "You really just found it tonight?"

"Seriously."

"Weird. It's like some kind of omen."

"Freaky," I agreed. "So if you want to borrow it now..." I teased.

"Forget you Cullen." She stuck her tongue out at me.

"What are you, _five_? And I'm _'Cullen'_ now? Whatever."

She was doing the 'buddy' rib tickle on me when Emmett returned.

"Alright, great idea you had bro. That was cool. Should we hit The Matrix now?"

"Got my dancin' shoes on!" Alice was up for it. "Bella?"

"Actually, if you don't mind I think I'm calling it a night. I'm really tired. I won't be much fun to be around."

"We'll get you a taxi," Emmett offered looking at the taxi line when we walled out.

"Um thanks but I'd rather walk."

"Mind if I walk with you?" I asked quietly, expecting to be shot down.

"You don't mind?"

Woah. She didn't refuse. "Not at all. Actually," I bent to whisper conspiratorially. "You're doing me a huge favour. That club is the last place I want to be."

"You've been? Everyone says it's great."

"I'm sure it is. If you like clubs."

"You don't."

"I don't dance. Clubs are kinda pointless for me." I grinned shyly.

We parted with Alice and Emmett and headed towards residence."How's the jaw?" Bella asked after a block of silence.

"Not too bad. Of course I have sufficient alcohol content to dull any pain for the moment."

"I'm really sorry I got you into that. It just made me so angry..."

"Yeah, I'm sorry you took the splash. Is your jacket ruined?"

"No. No, it's not that. I don't care about that. It was the whole scene, like you're just sitting there, not bothering anyone. Trying to have a good time just like everyone there. Okay what makes it alright for him to bump you like that, like you weren't even there you know? Like you're invisible... or less important than him."

"Wow. And to think all I got out of that was the guy couldn't handle his booze. But from your perspective, I guess I am pretty unsubstantial."

"No! Oh god, I'm making this worse... I didn't ..."

"Bella, relax." I took her elbow to stop her for a moment. I flashed her a grin when she looked up at me. "I was joking. My ego isn't quite that fragile. But my fingertips are and they're cold. Would you want to grab a coffee?"

She graced me with another glowing smile that sent my pulse into overdrive and insisted I allow her to treat this round.

"So I've been wondering all night, how do you and Alice know each other?" Bella asked, sipping her mocha.

"Ah, yes. She stole my spot in class." I replied cryptically. I still didn't know if Alice had said anything.

"So you have a class together? That's it?"

"No, we don't have a class together. I mean she literally stole my spot. We were in registration last year and she was ahead of me in line. She took the very last place in a class I wanted. Pure evil that one."

Bella laughed at the face I pulled with my last comment. "But you became friends anyway? Or was she just someone to blame all your losses on," she teased light-heartedly.

"Yeah that was the relationship in a nutshell. You nailed it." I chewed on my stir stick as I grinned. "What about you? How do you two know each other?"

"We've been friends since like, kindergarten."

"Really? Why is it I'm only meeting you now?"

"Ah, it is more than casual and occasional thievery between you two... "

"You first." I leaned across the table to show my avid interest.

"Simple. We moved. Alice and I always planned to attend the same university, share a room, all that. I moved in 11th grade and when it came time to apply to schools my parents insisted on locals only. There went our plans."

"So what changed?"

"I was miserable. First year was a disaster. I got a summer job, saved up my dorm fees so I could apply here. I got in for second semester. Here I am." She spread her arms out as she smiled. "Best friends reunited. Now it's your turn. Why haven't I met you until now?"

"It's complicated." I took the stir stick out of my mouth to speak. "We hung out a lot last year for awhile. She's fun. A buddy. She's great."

Bella nodded her agreement. "So what happened? Why did you stop hanging out?"

I scratched at my head while I thought of how to answer her question. "Things just got, I dunno, too much for me I guess. I kinda holed up for a few months. I couldn't deal. Tried to focus on my coursework, decide what I was going to do. I neglected my friendship with Alice. It was entirely my fault." The condensed truth. That would do for now.

"Is it weird for you? That she's dating your brother?"

"To be honest, I haven't had enough time to really consider this new turn of events. I don't usually know anyone my brother hooks up with. I mean, if I meet them once, that's usually the only time."

"He's a player?"

I considered her question while she took an indulgent sip of mocha. "Not a player... He just falls in love too easily, I think. It usually ends just as quickly as it begins. You have a little whipped cream..." I reached over, napkin in hand and gently wiped the frothy dot off her nose.

"Thanks," she laughed. "That always seems to happen and yet other than Alice, you're the only person who's ever told me."

That was the last we spoke of Alice for the night. Once we got started, conversation seemed to flow easily. It seemed like it was only minutes together when I reluctantly left her at her dorm's main door.

That night I dreamt Emmett knocked up Jasper and took off with his guitar. And Bella.

* * *

A/N Thanks to those who have added my story to your lists and for the review. Keep 'em coming please! This chapter is on the shorter side, I know. Longer one coming next week. SR


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

I spent most of the weekend at the library. I had a major chemistry test coming up that I needed to prepare for. Instead, I ended up finishing an essay on the use of poetry in modern music.

Emmett caught me walking in the door Sunday night with my take away salad and chicken club.

"Where've you been?" he inquired over the room's shared phone.

"Library." I replied, tearing into my lunch/dinner.

"Most people turn their phone to vibrate instead of disconnecting from the world."

"Wasn't charged. I'm not a doctor yet. No one needs to get in touch with me so urgently that I can't spend a day studying unconnected."

"Whatever. So how did it go Friday after we split up? Did you get anywhere with her?"

"Em..." I groaned. We were polar opposites when it came to discussing our sex lives. Oh god, please don't tell me you did Alice. I froze with the fear of hearing anything remotely intimate regarding her.

He chuckled at my protest and let me off the hook. "So listen Edward, I need to know before this goes any further, are you alright with me seeing your ex?"

"She's not my ex. She's a friend..."

"Yeah yeah yeah. Dude, you talked about her endlessly for months. So you didn't bag her, I know you had feelings for her."

"Well it never... I... It was nothing," I stammered. "Anyway, I'm over it. But she is a friend so don't mess her up."

"Mess her up," he scoffed. "She's great. I like her a lot."

"Yeah. That's what I'm talking about Em. Don't get all heavy 'cause you're leaving again in a few months. I don't want her to be hurt."

"Alright then. Casual sex only if it makes you feel better."

"You're a dick." Jasper waved as he came in and spotted me on the phone. "I have to go now."

There was a soft laugh from the other end. "I'm just messin' with you bro. I'll take it easy. But you're alright? Seriously?"

Am I? I had no clue. "Sure. Take it easy. Later." I hung up before I could change my mind and gave Jasper half my sandwich and untouched salad. I'd lost my appetite.

Jaz took my mind off the issue playing a new tune he was working on. "Got anything that would work with that?"

"I dunno. Take a look," I passed him my most recent notebook of poems. "You're welcome to whatever you think would fit."

I left him to read through them and packed my books for my early morning class. Checking to see if my phone had finished charging, I saw I had a new text. 'Hey. Where r u hiding? Need 2 talk. Call me. A.'

Turning it back off I stripped down and got in bed with my iPod to drown out Jasper and my thoughts. I couldn't deal. Not tonight.

I texted an apology to Alice on my way to trig and extended a loose invite to get together 'sometime'.

Sometime ended up being Tuesday at lunch. I'd run into the caf to grab a sandwich between classes and I spotted her at a table near the cashier. No way to avoid contact, pretend I hadn't seen her. I waved as I pocketed my change. Bella was with her and another girl I didn't know. I stopped to say a quick hello. Perfect time to get it overwith since I really didn't have much time.

"There's another chair," Bella offered as I approached.

Smiling at her, I refused graciously. "Thanks but I've seriously got 10 minutes to get across campus. Figures the science buildings are the furthest away."

"I'll walk with you." Alice stood with her tray. "See you later Bell."

She waved and gave me a strange grin.

Walking briskly, I ate while Alice talked. She rambled on about things at random and I wished she'd just get to the point.

She did as we passed the tech buildings, science labs the only ones beyond. "So Edward," her voice lowered as she spoke, softening her tone and I knew what was coming. "About Emmett..."

"Yeah?"

"Is it okay? I mean, if you'd rather we didn't date... For whatever reason..."

"Why would I object?" I shoved my hands in my pockets and leaned against the building, trying to appear completely casual.

Alice examined me closely. She was a psych major. She was always analyzing me. I'd forgotten how annoying that was. "You tell me. Is there a reason?"

"I dunno Al. He's leaving in a couple of months. That could be a drawback."

"We're just hanging out. I wasn't planning on anything serious."

"No, we _'hung out'_. You asked if I had a problem with you dating my brother. Dating implies more than hanging out." She hated when I turned her psycho-babble back on her.

"Whatever Edward. You know what I mean."

"Do I? Am I supposed to read your mind? I thought I gave you an answer appropriate to the question I thought you'd asked."

"So you don't have a problem with it?"

"Should I?" I returned her stare for the first time since we left the caf. "Is there a reason I should care one way or the other?"

The was an awkward silence. What was I supposed to do here? Console her? Wish her well? Tell her she crushed me all those months ago? "I should get to class," is what came out.

"Sure." She didn't make a move to leave. "Edward?" she said hesitantly instead.

"Yeah?"

"Are we still friends?"

My heart did double time. I couldn't hurt her as she'd hurt me. It had been unintentional. So I grinned the smile she liked and nudged her. "Of course we are. Buddies, Alice. You and me. Always."

I swallowed back the reflux bubbling in my throat as I left her. You're over it Cullen, I told myself and put on my lab coat as I did every day, pretending to have the life I wanted.

* * *

Thursdays were normally late days for me, but this week my professor had a family emergency and cancelled our class for the day. Jasper was surprised but pleased when I came home so early. He was working one of my poems into his song and wanted my help. Thinking of this as free time I wouldn't usually have, I tossed my books aside and stretched out on his bed to have a listen.

"It's good but there's something off with the phrasing in that last bit." I stopped him to give my advice. Scratching out the line, I made an alteration and offered it up. "Try it like this." I sang my words in his melody.

Smiling his approval, he began the song over, having me do the vocals this time so he could tweak the guitar part to better suit my new lyrics. We were on the second run when someone knocked at our door.

"It's open!" Jaz called out as he made the changes on his notation sheet, breaking for the interruption. "Probably Jared. He asked to borrow 20 bucks."

"Again? This new girlfriend is breaking him."

"No shit... Hey Jared, is that you man?" Jasper got up to open the door. "Did she break your knuckles, you can't turn a knob... Oh. Hey. Sorry, thought you were someone else."

He held the door for Alice and Bella to come in.

"Hope you didn't eat already. We brought Chinese."

"I had a dream like this the other day... women showing up with food at my door," Jasper grinned. "Please, do come in."

I'd been busy gathering up our note papers that were strewn across the bed. I stacked them on the corner of Jasper's desk before turning to greet our unexpected visitors.

"Hope we're not interrupting." Bella glanced at my notes when she set a bag of food cartons next to the stack.

"Not at all. I got an unexpected free evening so we were just messing around with a song. This is a nice surprise." I smiled shyly, combing my fingers through my hair. I'd worn my hat most of the day it must be a disaster.

Jasper rolled the chair from my desk over to his side and offered it to Bella. "That was nice, what you were playing... Is it new?"

"A work in progress," he confirmed, sitting on his amp stack next to her.

Alice passed out paper plates while I called out drink choices from our mini fridge. "I'm meeting Emmett for coffee later. He's working now. Want to join us?"

I scrunched up my face. "Nobody wants their little brother showing up on a date."

"It's just a hang. Coffee. No big. Just thought it would be fun."

"Is Bella going?" I asked quietly.

"Dunno." Alice pulled me closer to whisper. "She's crushing on Jasper."

And my luck runs out. Oh well. At least I don't have to kill myself trying to impress her and I know not to let myself develop deeper feelings. I've acquired another buddy. Great. Fantastic. A 21 year-old guy can never have too many girl friends who want nothing to do with him romantically.

The four of us called out song requests while we ate and chatted. Once I was in the right frame of mind, it was fun hanging with these girls. The were infinitely more interesting than the science nerds I knew from classes and they smelled better too.

Alice left us at nine as Jasper's cell rang out. He excused himself to take the call in the hallway. Bella helped me dispose of our empty food cartons.

"You guys have so many CDs. It's crazy. How do you keep track of who owns what?"

"We don't really. We're both completely irrational in record shops. We overspend fairly equally so it balances out."

"Blind trust in a roommate." Bella grinned. "Hope that works out for you."

"Oh it's not an issue. We've been friends for 10 years and we've learned to share and not fuck each other over." I wasn't only referring to CDs.

"With all things in life," Bella stated with her brilliant smile.

I returned her smile. "Yeah, in the grand scheme of it all, CDs are inconsequential. It's the other things in life I care about that matter. A CD can't really fuck you up."

"Not even _'Icky Thump'_?"

Laughing softly, I was impressed that she recalled that exchange between Alice and I. "_'Icky Thump'_ was a mere blip. Love it, but it's still inconsequential."

"So you didn't fall out over a CD... Even one you love."

"No." I looked down, avoiding her gaze. "It honestly wasn't a falling out. Not on my part anyway. Did Alice say otherwise?"

"Not really. She just said you guys were super tight and then... nothing. Something must've happened."

I did look at her now, head tilted. "Do you have a theory?"

My question caught her off-guard. "Maybe. Not really. I mean... I dunno..."

Crooked grin in place, I took the recycling from her. "Maybe I just got really busy."

She shook her head. "You're really busy now but you find time to socialize."

"You're an observant one. Maybe I'll tell you about it someday."

"When you're sure I won't fuck you over?" she teased.

"If we wait 'till then it'll never happen. You never know with girls. They can fuck you up when you least expect it." I made my comment with a grin to come across as a joke but I spoke the truth.

Jasper returned before she could respond. "Well I have to bail on you two."

"Problem?" I raised my eyebrows in concern.

"Jared's in a bad way." He glanced at Bella. New to our circle, it was difficult to know how much could be said in front of her.

"Should I go?" she caught his hesitation.

"Promise you won't repeat anything?"

"I think she can be trusted." I patted her shoulder in support while she nodded avidly.

"Jess is pregnant. She just told him."

"Shit."

"She also told him it might not even be his."

"Christ... See what I mean about getting fucked when you least expect it?"

"That sucks," Bella agreed. "He didn't know she was seeing someone else?"

"It's complicated," Jaz and I replied simultaneously.

"Anyway, I'm gonna go and attempt to stop him from doing something stupid. Thanks again for the dinner Bella. That was sweet of you and Alice."

"No prob. Edward paid for the other night... Fair is fair. Hey, mind if I leave with you? I'm not crazy about crossing campus alone."

"Uh..." Jasper paused and looked to me for a yes or no. What did it matter? She wasn't interested in me anyway. He got the nod.

"Sure, I can drop you at your dorm but you don't have to leave. Edward would take you back whenever you're ready. He's gentlemanly that way," he grinned, jabbing at my chin.

"Thanks but I should go," Bella turned to offer me a tiny grin. "It's not you... I'm really tired. And I have an early class."

I accepted her excuse graciously knowing all the while she just rather be with my friend. I will not ride the self-pity train again, I thought to myself as I turned in early. _'You Don't Know What Love Is' _was the song I fell asleep to.

Jaz was further along in his pregnancy in that night's dream. Problem was, he wondered if it was Emmett's after all. It might be Bella's.


	5. Chapter 5

**_Thanks to SM for the fun characters to play around with. I own the fun, not the names._**

**Chapter 5**

Insomnia always comes to me at the worst times, though this time was understandable. I was having seriously messed up dreams. Sleep was not restful. But the lack of sleep was affecting my work in the lab. I had a part-time job cleaning the science labs and helping Professor Davis prepare his chem kits for first year students. When I screwed up the third kit, Davis took me aside to give me a different assignment; picking up books he had on order. Apologizing profusely for my lack of concentration, I headed out to the book store confident I could handle this. The cold night air revived me and I felt fully alert for the first time all day, though still irritable.

The books were to be picked up from the used book shop I'd been to a few weeks earlier. The same night I'd gotten reacquainted with Alice and met Bella. Both played on my mind as I shuffled along the icy sidewalk. Alice was now in the habit of texting, if not calling me daily but I hadn't had any contact with Bella for over a week. I was weighing the pros and cons of that fact as I approached my destination. No contact would lessen my opportunity to do something idiotic, like fall for a girl who had no romantic interest in me. Still, I was acutely aware of how lonely I was now that female friends had re-entered my daily life. Being Bella's friend was better than nothing, I surmised.

I checked the time as I reached the shop door. Ten minutes before closing. Whew! If I'd stopped to buy a coffee as I'd considered doing, I would've screwed this assignment up as well. I went to the counter immediately. No one was there at the time, so I waited, irritably ripping open my jacket. It was incredibly hot inside. I stepped back to peek down the aisle I couldn't be seen from for a salesperson. No one.

"For fuck sake," I grumbled under my breath as I leaned on the counter. My ears were on fire and I was suddenly afraid I may pass out. When had I eaten last? "Hello?" I called out, unable to wait any longer. "Is anyone working?"

A distant voice rang out from the back. "Be right with you!" This was followed by a clamour of falling books and a very expressive "Shit!"

I chuckled to myself as I turned back to the counter. I removed my hat now as well and shoved it in my pocket.

"Sorry," the voice from the back was now approaching me from behind.

I didn't have the energy to turn around. "Sounds like you're having the same kind of day I am," I replied to her apology.

"Edward? Hey!" Bella appeared in front of me. With the fuzzy state of my mind, I wasn't sure if I was imagining her. "Oh, wow. You don't look so good."

I'm very aware, I thought, raking my fingers through my hair. "It's really warm in here."

"You're over-dressed... Take your jacket off." She zipped around to my side and helped me shrug it off. She laid it on the counter and pulled me around to her side. "Here. Sit for a minute." She indicated a small step ladder and passed me a bottle of water.

Feeling better, but like a complete ass all the same, I figured I should say something. "So you work here?"

She smirked as she felt my forehead. "Nope. I'm actually a roaming paramedic. Lucky for you I happened to be here and find myself under a stack of boxes."

"I heard a crash. Were you hurt?"

"Broke a nail. Does that count?"

"I'd file for comp, personally," I grinned.

"You're feeling better," she commented and put on a professional look. "What can I help you with tonight sir?"

"A cushion would be helpful. This steel is hard on the ass." I attempted to stand but felt the room begin to tilt so I sat my ass back down. "Really, I'm picking up an order for Davis."

"An assumed name? What sort of books did you order?" she teased and lifted my hand that held the water up for me to take another drink.

"Smut. What else is there?" Her face was incredibly close to mine. We were the same height with me sitting on the ladder. "Or they could be science texts. I get the two confused these days."

"Someone needs a date." She grinned at me as she flipped through her order log.

"You have no idea..." I sighed with a snicker.

Reaching for her order log, she stayed by my side as if afraid I'd topple off my perch. "Got it... Davis, prepaid. Cool. You stuff is in the back currently behind a small island of paperbacks. It'll take a few minutes."

"I'll help you," I offered, standing up very slowly this time. The room stayed still so I felt confident I could be of some use.

"Great! Give me a minute to lock up then. It's time to close anyway." She began the reports on the register and went to the front to engage the locks on the door.

I saw the island she spoke of when she led me to the back. "The damn box was damp. The whole bottom fell out when I went to move it." Bella stooped and began stacking them into a pile on a nearby shelf.

"I'll do that," I offered, following her lead. "Looks like there were too many in there to begin with. Do you always lift such heavy boxes?"

Laughing, she tossed a stray book at me. "I'm not as weak as I look Cullen."

Blushing, I continued to work silently. She handed me a smaller box when I was done. "These go here as well?"

"No silly. Those are yours. I can carry it to the front for you if it's too heavy," she teased.

"I think I can manage thank you. Christ you're hard on the ego." I winked to let her know I was joking.

"Seriously though... are you alright? Getting a cold or something? You didn't look well at all."

"I think I just need to eat. I went to work right from my last class. And I think I skipped lunch." I honestly couldn't remember if I'd eaten anything since the bagel I'd bought that morning.

"Me too. But I had lunch," she grinned. "Make sure you get something. Actually you should probably eat before you start back with these. It would be quite traumatic to find you in a ditch on my way home. There's a pizza place two down from here. I'll be a while so you can leave the box here I'd you want."

"Or I could wait..." I set the box down at the front. "We could eat together. If you want..." Shit I really needed to work on my pick-ups. No. This isn't a pick-up. She's a buddy. Right. "I might be in further need of my roaming paramedic."

"Be honest here Cullen. You have another motive."

Was I that transparent?

"You just want me to carry the box," she grinned.

"Caught me. So... is that a no?"

"No to the cartage service. But yes to pizza. I'll try to be quick."

I walked around looking at books while she finished up and then remembered one I'd been looking at on my last visit. "Bella, I know it's too late now but I meant to get this one for myself. Could you put it on hold for me and I'll buy it tomorrow? Oh no, I can't tomorrow. Late class. Friday then?" I brought it up to the counter.

Eyeing the cover, she gave me a puzzled look. "You like Oscar Wilde?"

"He's a brilliant playwright. Ever read his work?"

"Yeah! He's one of my favourites."

"Really? I find him so unappreciated. It's all about Shakespeare... His work was great as well, but Wilde was an innovator for bringing satire into the theatre. Shakespeare dropped witty lines here and there but Wilde made you think while you laughed."

"Only some," she countered. "I think his wit goes over a lot of people's heads, that's why Shakespeare gets all the props."

"Good point! Mind if I use it in my paper?"

"A paper on Oscar Wilde? Is that for biology or chemistry? Are all science nerds required to be so well-read?"

"Not all. Just most. I read a lot due to the lack of social skills."

She smiled back at me as she pushed the book towards me. "Put that back. I have this one. You're welcome to it."

"Seriously? Thanks Bella. If I have anything you want, you can have it. Anything at all."

She raised her eyebrows as she laughed. "Anything? Or am I limited to books?"

I chuckled in embarrassment as I blushed. "How about I buy your dinner. Fair trade?"

"I'm in."

* * *

We chose a table in the corner away from the drafty door. After setting the tray down, I helped Bella out of her jacket and hung it on the empty chair beside her. I took a seat across from her.

"You'd better dig in if you want any. I'm starving!" I warned with a grin. We'd gotten some pre-made pizza slices but ordered a Caesar salad and garlic bread to share.

"I'm already thinking dessert." Bella took a slice of bread to start off.

"I'm with you. I didn't even realize I was this hungry until we came in."

"The smell gets you every time... Wow this has a lot of garlic."

"Mmm. The more the better," I mumbled around my mouthful of salad.

"Maybe that's why you've been dateless lately. Too much garlic." Bella kicked me playfully under the table.

"If only it were a matter of adjusting my diet. But it's more complex than that. And yet, more simple at the same time."

"What then?" she stared at me with interest.

Smirking, I wiped my mouth and took a long drink before I delved into that challenge. "Simplistically, I'm a science nerd, rendering me utterly undateable."

"You're not a science nerd!" Bella blurted with sincerity. "I was teasing..."

"I know," I grinned. "But I am."

"So what's the complex part?"

"Ah there's the million dollar question and if you could come up with a viable reason for this anomaly, I would be indebted to you forever. I'd give you a million dollars but I don't have that kind of spare change. My undying gratitude would have to do."

She smiled across at me, sweetly. Like she actually cared about my celibacy. "Let's hear it. What is so horrible?"

"That's just it. I don't think I'm horrible. I have decent manners. I can hold a conversation... usually. I'm not hideously deformed and I shower regularly. I'm fairly considerate, I think."

"And modest," Bella added with a grin.

"Do I come across conceited?" I asked openly. I recalled her comment to Alice that first night about me showing off.

She put her fork down and prepared to give it to me straight. "I kinda thought so initially. But once I got to know you? No way. Maybe a bit too shy?"

"Definitely. I also don't have a high tolerance for stupid people. Guess that makes me a snob."

"It makes you unique. Regardless, we agree that physically and socially you are perfectly acceptable, so what's the problem?"

"The problem, in a nut shell, is that no one ever picks me. I can knock myself out trying to get the girl I like, and she never likes me in return."

Bella stared at me silently for a moment. "You've never had a girlfriend?"

"I have... Yeah. Nothing serious. I'm talking about the ones that I really really like. You know, where it's not just about sex or companionship."

"Reciprocated love."

"Exactly. Apparently I'm an excellent friend but a lousy boyfriend."

"I doubt that. You just haven't found the right girl."

"And if I have and she's just not into me?"

"Move on fella! Her loss. I think you're great, personally."

As a friend, I could hear in subtext. "Move on huh? Problem is, I did. And it's only gotten worse."

"You're not trying hard enough Cullen. We need Alice here. She could analyze your issues."

I snickered into my pizza slice before taking a bite. "Alice can't help me. Believe me, she's analyzed the shit out of me and still never figured it out."

"Edward," Bella said in a soft voice. "You never told me why you drifted from Alice. Was it because of her constant analysis? Because I completely understand if that's the case. She can get really annoying with that. Like she knows you better than you know yourself."

"It can be annoying, I agree. But that's not the reason." I pushed my empty plate aside and looked at the paper napkin I was twisting in my hands. "Bella, if I tell you, do you promise it stays between us?"

"I swear."

"If it gets out, I'll know it. The only other person who knows hasn't said a word yet so I'll know it didn't come from them."

"You don't trust me," she stated.

"You're Alice's friend. If someone told me something about Jaz, I'd have a hard time with it. I'd defend him or feel I should tell him..."

"I understand," she said quietly. "It's just... well I think of you as my friend also. And you seem sad. Lonely. It might help to talk about it. If we get into territory where I don't think I could keep it from Alice, I'll tell you. Fair enough?"

"Sounds reasonable," I agreed with only a hint of the reluctance I felt coming out in my voice. "Uh, I still have to take these books back to the lab."

"Shit! I forgot about that entirely. We should go." We packed up quickly and started towards the school. "Will Davis still be there?"

"It's not a problem even if he did leave. I've got a key."

"You have a key... to the lab..." she shook her head in wonder.

* * *

_A/N~Thanks for reading. Next chapter's almost ready to go. Bella starts breaking him down. Please stick with me!~SR_


	6. Chapter 6

**_As always, borrowing Stephenie's characters for my own pleasure. _**

**Chapter 6**

"What's wrong with owning a key to the science lab?" I asked, unlocking the door to the science building. Once inside, I gave a wave to Felix, the security guard manning the cameras. He gave the chem lab the green light and we entered the deserted room. I snapped on the overhead lights and noticed the mess I'd left earlier. "So careless," I muttered to myself as I put the box of books behind Davis' desk.

"Who's careless?"

"Me. I screwed up earlier and now I've realized I left a bunch of stuff unlabeled and didn't lock up the chemicals. First year students don't always take this seriously and they play around. It could be dangerous." I sighed, pulling off my hat. "Do you mind if I take care of this?"

"Not at all." Bella took a seat at the end of the table while I put on my lab coat and safety goggles. "Ohh, very sexy Cullen. It works for you."

"Shut up," I snickered, getting to work. "Wanna help?"

"Do I get the sexy lab gear?"

"No. You get stickers. And a Sharpie."

"Sharpies are cool."

I called out what each vial was to be labelled as and passed her the precisely measured and now sealed vials as each was completed.

"This is cool," Bella commented after getting into a groove. "Private access to a lab... How many girls have you brought in here at night?"

"Including you? One," I grinned. "It's really not a big draw believe it or not. But if you know any hot girls who are into chem labs, hook me up."

"They have to be hot?"

"And smart. I have standards. Can you pass me that metal tray behind you? We have to line these up in a specific order. Very important." I showed her what I wanted and she completed the first tray while I went to get more.

"Alice never came here with you?"

I snorted a laugh. "Alice in a lab for recreation? Not her style." I continued measuring into more vials. "Same as before okay?" Getting a nod, I continued talking while I felt relaxed. "Honestly, I don't know why Alice continued to hang out with me once she found some friends with common interests in her field of study. In the beginning, I knew the campus well so I helped her out a lot."

"You're third year now?" Bella stopped to tie her hair back. A loose strand fell free and I had to resist the temptation to tuck it in place for her. Instead, I smiled and nodded. "I can see why. You're not all about science. I mean, you have other interests, cool friends. She wrote about you a lot in our emails."

"What did she write?"

"I dunno... Just stuff you did together. Places you went, things like that. Nothing bad," she said in a mocking tone.

"We just had this instant connection, you know? She's always so cheerful and fun to be around. All my friends liked her. That's rare."

"Everybody loves Alice... Oh shit!" Bella cried out as a vial fell from her hand and smashed on the tile below. "Sorry! I should've warned you I'm a klutz."

"It's okay. No harm done. Step out of the puddle though. It could eat through your shoe." I took her arm and moved her aside while I spread the Absorb-All on it. She was examining the sole of her shoe with her mouth hanging open. "I'm joking. Your shoe will be fine," I grinned at her. "You can sit back down now. I'll sweep that up when we're done."

"Keep the pail of that stuff handy. I may not be done causing havoc."

"Good. Keeps life interesting. You can put them in the trays as you do them now that you know the order." We worked incredibly well together. Especially with her not knowing chemistry at all.

"How did you end up not talking to each other for so long? Did you have a disagreement?"

"In a way, I guess it was. Or a misunderstanding maybe." I ceased my measuring so wouldn't fuck it up royally. "We're kinda friends now right?"

"Yeah... You don't think so?"

"Sure sure. It's just a little early for me to tell how you feel. I tend to be wrong about these things if I don't ask directly." I took a moment to think about that. "Yeah I suck at reading people. Girls anyway. I get all mixed up and end up making a mess of everything."

"I think we're friends already. Unless you have a different idea of friendship?"

"I think there are various degrees of friendship. The lines sometimes get blurred for me." I rubbed at my hair and realized how ridiculous I must look in my goggles. I pulled them off, agitated with myself. Bella remained silent while I had my internal struggle with what to say. She smiled softly when I glanced at her, encouraging me to say what I needed to say. "So we're friends. Can I tell you something? As a friend. As a guy friend... because I don't think girls understand this or even think about it... We're easily confused. I am anyway. Or maybe I only know girls who like messing with me for whatever reason."

"Edward, slow down. You're losing me. Do you think I'm messing with you? Is that what you're trying to tell me? 'Cause I'm not. I hate when guys do that to me. I wouldn't do that to you."

I watched her earnestness as she pled her case. Pulling up another stool, I took a seat kitty-corner from her. "Honestly?I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't think you have malicious intent," I smirked. "There are actually probably very few girls who do. It's just strange to me how platonic friends can be so close and yet not understand each other. I mean, I can't even begin to pretend I understand why girls do half the things they do. And girls clearly don't understand how simplistic guys are."

"Seriously? I think you're the most complex guy I've ever known."

"Thanks." I rolled my eyes and rested me head in my hands.

"It's not an insult. God. It is so good to have someone who's just honest. No bullshit. You know?"

Smiling now, "I think there are various degrees of bullshit as well."

"Wait. Are you messing with _me_?"

"No no no... I'm being honest here. I'm just struggling to put my disorganized thoughts into words. I am complex about a lot of things I suppose. But when it comes to hormones... There is no complexity in males. It's on or off. Stop or go. When the lines of friendship blur it gets messy. Most guys, I suppose, would make a play or move on. I just turn into an idiot and make an ass of myself." I looked for a response. "Are you following?"

"I'm thinking..."

"Should I give you a minute?" I flipped a minute timer over and began whistling.

"Stop!" she laughed. "You are an idiot. But I have a feeling I'm going to leave you tonight, enlightened. Please continue."

"You know how some girls are flirty, but you know that's what they're doing and it is what it is?"

"Guys too."

"Yeah yeah, but there's another type of girl who only creates confusion in us simple males. The kind who are over-affectionate. Constantly hugging, grabbing at you. They greet with kisses, hold hands when you walk with them. They don't mean anything by it..."

"Alice is like that. Comes with being bubbly."

"Yes. She is."

A light went on. I finally reached Bella with my cryptic rambling. "Oh! Oh my god... You _like_ her!" She reached for my arm. "And she's dating your brother... Fuck! That must be killing you."

"I'm not having a pity party. I'm over it. She can date whoever she wants. Except Jasper... But he wouldn't anyway..."

"Oh! Before I forget, can I get his number?"

Really? Now? _Really!_ I took a deep breath and spoke very softly. "Are you interested in Jasper?"

She blushed deep red while stammering out an excuse. "I just... No... I wanted to ask him something..."

"Something you can't ask me..."

She bit down on her lip and lowered her eyes. "I'm sorry. That was really rude to do that right now. Forget it. Really."

"If you are, I should tell you..."

"No," she cut me off. "I was just going to ask him when he's playing again. I would go."

"Saturday." I almost felt bad that she felt bad. "They're booked for Saturday. At The Underground."

"Okay. Thanks." She looked up at me now and my heart did a flip. It's a look of pity, dipshit, I told myself. "I'm really sorry... Please continue."

I let out a nervous laugh. "I don't remember what I was saying. It doesn't matter anyway."

"It does! We were talking about her being with Emmett. You're really okay with that?"

"Yeah. Yeah... It's cool. I'm not pining for her or anything. I care about her, but I'm not jealous or resentful."

"You've avoided her until a month ago, but you're totally over it."

I sensed heavy sarcasm. "Here's the deal... I fell for someone I shouldn't have. She wasn't interested. It happens."

"Bullshit."

I looked sharply at her. "What?"

"You're not being honest with me. Or yourself. There's more to it than that."

I sat quietly with my hands in my lap, looking at the ugly floor tiles. "You want honesty? She kinda broke my heart. Okay? Is that bullshit?"

"No. That's facing it. You can't heal if you don't acknowledge you were hurt."

"I did face it. Now it's just rehashing," I grumbled.

"Did you ever tell her?"

"That she hurt me? No. She didn't do it intentionally. Why make her feel bad too?"

"So she never knew how you felt about her?"

"Oh, sure. That's where the making an ass of myself comes in. We celebrated her birthday together. We drank a lot. She had to pee on the way home and my dorm was closer so we went to my room. Stuff happened as it does when you're celebrating... and wasted."

"Oh my god. You're the guy!"

"What guy?"

"She told me she got really wasted and ended up sleeping with a friend. She didn't name you."

"God, that sounds horrible! We slept together, yeah. We didn't... She kissed me. She initiated it. I kissed her back and we kinda made out for awhile. Alcohol loosened my mouth and I ended up telling her how I felt."

"And?"

"We made out some more then fell asleep. She left before I woke up. I guess she wanted to tell you all about her blunder," I smirked. "This is all way too much information isn't it."

She gave me a smile. "I asked for it. She hurt you by leaving?"

"No... That was all part of her escape."

"Escape? Edward, she may not have told me all the details but she didn't want to escape from you. She really missed you."

"I believe you. But trust me, she didn't want my baggage. She avoided my calls the next day. Texts were easier. Safer I guess. Then her ex showed up. Did she tell you that?"

Bella nodded but remained silent.

"Yeah, she didn't tell me. I ran into them when I went to pick up some strings for Jaz after classes on Monday. She didn't seem weird about it. She introduced us and we made a date to meet later on so I figured she wasn't getting back with him. It didn't seem planned."

"It wasn't."

"When I was walking away, he asked if I was her new boyfriend. Her reply? Nah he's just my buddy."

"Ouch."

"Yeah. You'd think I would cut my losses right? No. Dumbass that I am still took her for dinner. I didn't mention any of it. I tried to act normally with her. I made it through dinner anyway."

"Why did you do that?" Bella looked as though her heart was breaking for me.

"Because I didn't want to hurt her. And because I'm an idiot. Mostly the idiot thing," I smirked.

"You're sweet."

I smiled at the irony of her innocent comment. "We finally talked about it while we walked back to campus. She brought it up actually. She thanked me. _THANKED _me... For being sweet." I paused to give Bella a grin and a nod. She slapped her forehead as she smiled back. "She went on about how drunk she was and I could've taken advantage but you know, I'm such a great _friend_ that I didn't. And how people do such stupid things when they're drunk and it's so great to have a _friend_ like me to look out for her."

"What did you say?"

"Nothing. After all that, I'm supposed to say it wasn't a drunken mistake to me, that I could fall in love with her? I'm an idiot but I'm not stupid. Her hints were received loud and clear. It was really awkward 'cause I just kept nodding, shrugging my shoulders. She knew I was tense. When we got to her dorm, she made it clear I was leaving but she gave me that sad look..."

"Big puppy dog eyes."

"That's the one, and asked if we were still friends. I'm standing there, like seriously wanting to scream. Ready to lose it and trying sooo hard not to cry..."

"Aw Cullen!"

"Don't say I'm sweet. I'll have to kill you," I warned her teasingly. "I said, 'sure... we're buddies.' Then she hugs me and whispers 'always'."

"Edward... I..."

"There's nothing you can say. Don't worry about it. I tried to keep up the buddy front but it got to be too much for me. I wasn't dealing well with it at all so I needed to distance myself. To keep from going insane." I sighed and stretched my arms behind my back. "I don't know how sane I've come out of it but it doesn't hurt anymore. I do feel bad about deserting her though."

"You're a good guy Cullen. Can I say that?" She gave me a light punch on the shoulder. "And personally, I think she's insane. I love her, but that was really dumb. And kinda heartless."

I gave some thought to her remark and then prepared to move on. "So, Saturday. Are you in?"

Grinning, she nodded. "Definitely."

"Got your phone? I'll give you Jasper's number."

She typed it into her contacts and we tidied up to leave the quiet lab. It didn't go unnoticed that she didn't ask for mine at the same time.


	7. Chapter 7

**_SM owns all characters I've taken liberties with._**

**Chapter 7**

I helped Jared load his drum kit into his van on Saturday and then went to pick up the other guys. Jasper was last since he was involved in a major conversation on the phone when I'd left for Jared's.

"Can you drop me at Ashton House?" I asked when everyone was ready to go.

"You're not coming E? I wanted you to come up tonight." Ty had been on me for weeks now to get up with them. He must have written something extra special for me. Sweet, but I didn't need any aid in making an ass of myself. I was quite capable of doing that on my own.

"Yeah, I'll be there. I have to pick someone up first."

"Alice?" Jared knew she lived at Ashton so it was natural to assume I'd be bringing her. "She can ride with us man! It's cool."

"It's another friend. You met her before, Bella."

They drew a collective blank.

"Alice's friend. The little dark-haired girl with attitude... Ringing any bells?"

"Sweet cheeks!" Ty cried out.

"Ohh! Yeah sure..." Jared and Ty exchanged grins.

"I have to ask... Sweet cheeks?"

"Girl's bootylicious man. Pretty face but that ass... Grrr!"

"Sweet sweet s-weeeet cheeks," Sam sang out. "Yeah, bring her!"

"She can ride me... er, I mean ride with me," Ty smirked.

"Jesus. I didn't think I'd start a circle jerk just by mentioning her. Better just drop me. I feel bad bringing her into this wolf pack."

"Just go get her Cullen. We'll be cool."

You could always take Sam's word. He had a way of toning the other two down as well when he went into mature mode. I gave him a nod before jumping out the back. Bella wasn't in the common room like she'd said she would be so I went directly to her room and knocked.

"Hey!" she smiled at me as she opened the door. "Two minutes, okay?"

"No longer. Our ride is waiting downstairs."

"Oh! Cool. 90 seconds then. Come in already!" She pulled me by the wrist and closed her door behind me. I remained standing by the door while she finished doing something in the bathroom. "Have a seat!" she called out to me.

Her side of the room was easily distinguishable by the stacks of books in front of her too full bookcase. I tilted my head to read the spines as I sat at her desk.

"Oh I promised you that Oscar Wilde book. You should take it before I forget."

I shook my head. "Next time. It'll get lost in Jared's van."

"That's who we're riding with?" She hurried over to her closet, passing me on the way. She smelled terrific.

"Everybody's there. They wanted you to ride with us." I couldn't help but take a peek at her backside as she bent to dig for a matching shoe. It was rather spectacular. I looked away quickly when she turned around. Probably too quickly because she turned back to her closet and pulled down a sweater to top her t-shirt. I was kind of grateful for it's length when following her out. It covered nicely which is always best when travelling with a bunch of dogs.

I pulled open the back door and let her climb in first. Jaz offered his hand to pull her in. She took it and sat next to him on an amp, cheeks rosier than they had been. I sat across from them and kicked at her feet to give me some leg room. Giggling, she kicked back. The guys were well behaved and very respectful of our guest. I was glad they made her feel welcome but at the same time I would've liked her to stick close to me like the other time.

I wandered out to say hello to Leah while I had the chance.

"Hey sexy," she greeted me with her big smile while she polished glasses. "How's my hottest customer doing this evening?"

I looked around to see who else was there and she swatted me with her towel. Our usual schtick. "So how's my lady love?" I took a seat across from her at the bar and leaned in close. "Ready to give all this up and run away with me?"

"Name the time and place baby. I'm yours forever." She brought up another tray of glasses and handed me a towel. "She's a cutie," Leah nodded over at Bella. "She yours?"

"Nope."

"I've seen her here before. She was with you then wasn't she?"

"Kind of. But not like that."

Leah raised a perfectly plucked brow. "She's with the band?"

"Sort of," I chuckled.

"Look at those clowns falling all over themselves. Like dogs in heat."

"No shit. There was actually howling before we picked her up."

Leah chuckled as she watched. "So who is she here for if not you?"

"Jaz," I stated bluntly, eyes downward.

Leah let out a low whistle. "Strife?"

"Nah. He doesn't even know."

She put down her glassware and leaned on the bar. "You gonna blow this Cullen?"

"You know me... Most likely."

"Beer?"

"Love one. But the bar's not open yet," I grinned at her.

"Lucky you have connections." She popped the cap on a bottle and placed it in front of me. "There ya go baby. I'll take care of you tonight." She tousled my hair as I took a long swig.

"Cullen! Are you working or what?" Ty called out over the sound system.

Leah smiled as she took the towel off me. "Go on. We can talk more later."

"Thanks Leah. I really wish you'd elope with me... Just a thought..."

"Well, did you get her yet?" Jared grinned when I joined them.

"I'm wearing her down. A matter of weeks now. Days maybe. I can tell."

"Keep at 'er!"

"E's the only guy who could ever get away with talking to Leah like that," Sam told Bella.

"I called her sweetheart once and she damn near ripped my balls off!" We all cracked up at Ty's expense. "Anyway I need you to do soundcheck Cullen. Check Jasper's mic. He has to change a string."

"What can I help with?" Bella asked anxiously.

"Leah always needs a hand. You should go introduce yourself," Jasper suggested. "She pays in beer!"

I held up my bottle as proof as I followed Ty onstage. We all watched her walk over to the bar. A low growl came from someone behind me.

I did soundcheck ala Cullen... reciting the periodic table. The girls watched from the bar, laughing when Ty pulled the plug with a verbose "Would you fuck off with that! Okay, mic's good." He stopped shouting and pulled out a sheet of paper all folded up. "Since we've got extra time I wanted to do a run through of that new song. Jaz sent me your lyrics and played the tune for me over the phone but I don't remember it. Can you play it E?"

"On guitar? No way. I could probably tap it out on piano though."

"Go for it dude. I've got a snafu here. Loose peg. Jared went to find some adhesive as a temporary fix."

I took a seat on the bench and did a warm-up exercise. I hadn't played for awhile. Recalling how Jasper had played it, I tried a few bars on my own before I indicated for Ty to join in. He always had interesting phrasing. A different take on my lyrics than I would do so I liked having him run it cold. He got stuck on a line and I stopped to let him work it out. When he looked to me for help, I sang for him the way I'd do it.

"Try it in E minor," Jaz called from the side. "It's a better key for Ty at this tempo." He was right. It sounded pretty good for a work in progress.

Bella and I watched the show from a table near the pit. She was friendly , but kept a safe distance telling me loud and clear she'd heard my thoughts on the blurry lines of friendship. She wanted nothing more than that from me. Good to know.

I kept company with Leah after the show while Bella went backstage to hang. In fact I didn't even leave with them. Instead, staying to help with the clean-up and drinking several more than I normally would. Leah made sure I got back to the dorms in one piece after taking me for coffee and a sandwich. Why couldn't all male/female friendships be this easy?

* * *

There was a persistent drumming in my head. Surely I couldn't still be hungover. Yet, it wouldn't end even when I rolled over to take pressure off my pounding head. A two-day bender was obviously not a good thing for me. I'd skipped my first class, managed to make it through second and tried for third but left soon after it began. I'd been sleeping since. Still would be if not for this pounding.

"Cullen! You alive in there?"

My eyes flew open. It wasn't a phantom knocking in my head. It was someone knocking. Jaz? No. He wouldn't be knocking. Is he sleeping too? I turned my head slowly to check the time on my clock. 7:45.

Morning or evening? I honestly couldn't decide. Either way, I was alone in the room and someone was outside my door. I rose very slowly so I wouldn't start the room spinning. The knocking persisted. "Yeah yeah. Hang on!" I stumbled across the darkened room, stubbing my toe and uttering a string of curses as I yanked open the door.

"Alive? Sort of?" Bella took in my disheveled state. Bella? Was I dreaming this? "I woke you... I'm sorry. Um, here. This is for you. I'll let you go back to sleep."

Snapping out of my momentary confusion, I tried to respond hastily. My voice came out slurred and raspy. Unrecognizable even to me. "Um. No. It's fine. Uh... Jaz isn't here."

"I came to see you," she replied quietly. "Are you okay?"

I rubbed at my hair. Ow, it ached as much as my head. "Okay? I dunno about that... Um, do you wanna come in?"

"I won't keep you long. Looks like you need more sleep," she said passing through the door.

"I need something..." I closed the door behind her and leaned heavily against it, the floor threatening to swallow me. "I have to... um... sorry, be right back." I made it to the toilet just in time to empty my stomach. Collapsed on the floor in a cold sweat afterwards, I took some deep breaths before attempting to stand. At least the internal drumming had ceased. But upon inspecting myself, I realized I looked like shit. I peeled off my puke stained shirt and stood shivering in my boxers while I brushed my teeth. Then I grabbed a quick shower to wash the sweat away. Feeling somewhat better, but incredibly naked, I pondered my options.

"Hey Bella?" I cracked the door an inch and called out. "Can you do me a favour and grab my pants. There should be a pair by my bed somewhere." She was on it instantly, passing them through to me. "Thanks," I grinned with embarrassment.

She was waiting on the other side of the door when I came out wearing only my jeans. My hair was dripping down my neck and I shivered as I passed by her. "Sorry about that." I pulled on a cleaner t-shirt and flopped down on the edge of my bed.

"You don't look so good Cullen."

"Thanks," I smirked. "You, on the other hand look great. As always."

She didn't take her eyes off me as I bit back my sarcasm. Moving closer to my bed she put her hand on my forehead. "You're not feverish. Have you kept anything down today? I brought you some soup. And ice cream."

"Yeah?" I smiled. "Why?"

"I went to the chem lab to bring you the Wilde book. Professor Davis told me you went home sick. So... I brought you feel-better stuff." She stood in front of me, chewing on her lip and looking shy and completely adorable.

"What if I'm contagious?"

She shrugged. "I guess I figured it was worth the risk. Are you?"

"As far as I know hangovers are not catchy. I own this one," I smirked.

She raised an eyebrow at me. "Still? From Saturday?"

"Sadly no. I was stupid and carried it through. Obviously to an extreme level. I'm hurting." I groaned as a flopped over sideways. "I uh... I don't usually do this. I mean, I'll have a few. Enough to have a good time... This was too much."

She sat on the floor beside me and rubbed my head very gently. "Poor baby. Think you could eat a bit? Might help. Try some crackers at least? And I brought some ginger ale."

I looked at her through hazy eyes. "You think of everything."

"Someone needs to take care of you."

"And you've appointed yourself? Why?"

She smiled as she fixed my hair and reached for the bag of food. "I actually expected your fiancée to be here with you."

"Huh?" I sat up, confused.

"Leah. I heard you left together. You broke her down huh?"

Blushing fiery red, I shook my head. "It's not like that. Leah... She's just a really good friend. She's like a sister to me."

"Yeah, that's what she said too. I just wondered if you got confused... Thought you might need a friend as well as a caregiver."

I took a sip out of the plastic cup she passed me. "I'm fine. Thanks for your concern but I'm off girls for now. They're nothing but trouble and I don't need that right now." I grinned crookedly to show I didn't mean to include her friendship as part of my troubles.

She stayed for another hour or so, chatting quietly with me. Feeding me small amounts to get my stomach strengthened. It was comfortable, being with her like this, as long as she wasn't touching me. She didn't make further contact and said goodnight with a wave from the door after straightening out my bed covers and tucking me in.

I laid awake most of the night, her shy smile etched in my mind.

* * *

_A/N ~ A little angst and a lot more fun coming up for Edward and Bella in the next chapter. Thanks for reading. ~ SR_


	8. Chapter 8

**_As always, I do not own the characters in my story. Credit to SM._**

**Chapter 8**

I was raised with the opinion that favours should always be returned. Grateful for Bella's thoughtfulness, on Friday I went to see her at work. She was ringing through a customer when I arrived so I went and browsed until she was free.

"Cullen!" She snuck up beside me, nudging me with her shoulder. Buddy-style. "Finish the book already? Looking for a new read?"

"Not quite, but I am enjoying it. I'll get it back to you soon."

"No rush. So what's going on?"

"Oh. Um, I brought you this." I handed her a disc. "It's a recording we did of an Eclipse gig last summer. It turned out pretty good. Thought you might like it since you enjoy their shows so much."

"Seriously? That's awesome!" Without hesitation, she pulled me into a hug. I smiled and kept my hand on her waist for a few seconds after she let go abruptly. "Please tell me soundcheck is included. I've never heard the periodic table of elements recited so melodically until you."

I chuckled, turning red. "Nah. They're saving that for the deluxe edition."

"Smart. Very smart... Plans this weekend?"

"They're not playing." I assumed that's what she was hinting at. "I've got time to make up at the lab so I'll probably be there for a lot of it." Plus, I planned to make myself as invisible as possible since Jasper had a visitor for the weekend.

"You want to grab a coffee or something when I'm done here?"

Me? "I'd like that," I smiled. "I believe I still owe you dessert as well. From last time?"

She grinned as she slid past me in the aisle. "Give me about an hour okay Edward?"

* * *

We were undecided on dessert, so we ordered a slice of chocolate pie and a piece of strawberry cheesecake to share with our coffees. We had just sat down when Sam and his girlfriend, Ellie, came in.

"Hey! Perfect timing. I was going to call you. Party at Ell's tomorrow," Sam announced.

"My parents are gone for the weekend and my sister's staying with a friend," Ellie grinned.

"You in?" He looked from me to Bella. "You too Bells. It'll be fun. Not a huge crowd. Ask Em if you talk to him. Alice too. Oh, I'm being rude... Ellie, this is Edward's friend Bella. She knows Alice too." The girls exchanged smiles and nods and Bella extended an offer to join us. Refusing politely, they grabbed drinks to go and left us on our own once more.

"Ellie seems nice. Why doesn't she come to The Underground?"

"She's usually babysitting. She makes it out sometimes. Rehearsals are more her thing. She can bring her kid sister."

"So you're friends with all the guys in the band? Mmmm. Edward try the cheesecake. It's sooooo good!"

I took a forkful and agreed, nudging the pie towards her. "Sam went to highschool with me and Jaz but we've gotten tighter with him since we've been here. He's a good guy. Ever need anything, Sam's your go-to guy. He'd drop anything to help a buddy."

Bella smiled at my description. "I like him too. He's a sweetheart."

"Jared is in my biology classes. He's doing an environmental course. Gonna save the planet. And he's a badass drummer. I introduced him to the other guys."

"How's that problem of his..."

"Jess? They're working on it."

"I feel so bad for him."

"Well... Look, don't say anything but he brought a lot of this on himself. He hooked up with her while she was still with her ex. I'm not crazy about her, to be honest. I think she's using him. But he's in love." I shrugged while rolling my eyes.

"What about Ty? I can't tell if you guys are really friends or not."

I chuckled, sipping from my cup. "You and me both. Ty... I dunno. He replaced me so he kinda likes to rub my nose in it from time to time..."

Bella dropped her fork and gaped at me. "Replaced you? Why?"

"I didn't have the time needed for the band..."

"But you're always there and you're a great pianist..."

"It's rehearsal I had problems with. My courses didn't mesh. It's fine. It's just a hobby for me. Jaz and Sam are pretty serious about it. I didn't want to hold them back. I like Ty," I went on to explain. "He's a good frontman. He does have issues with the guys choosing my lyrics over his though. It's kind of a sore spot with him."

"You write for them?"

"Not intentionally. I write. Period. Jasper chooses things he think will go with tines he and Sam compose. It's a collaboration."

Bella stared at me, confused. "Another hobby? Writing?"

I shrugged. "I guess." Sighing, I took a last bite of the cheesecake before offering up the remainder to her. "More than a hobby, really. That's why I don't have time for the band... Because I'm trying to double up on courses. Pre-med courses are tough enough but I also try to fit in some of what I really like... Lit."

"That's why you wanted the Oscar Wilde book!" she grinned. "So if you want to be a writer, why are you taking pre-med?"

Smiling, I finished off my coffee. "Because books... Reading, writing... That's my passion. But medicine is more dependable and resourceful."

Bella didn't respond. She looked disappointed.

"Plus, my dad's a doctor," I further explained with a smirk.

We each got another drink to go and took a leisurely walk back to campus. I left her at Ashton House, with the agreement that if she wasn't going to Ellie's with Alice, she'd call me.

* * *

I managed to get out of our dorm room without waking Jasper and his girlfriend. They were considerate of me when they got in late the night before so I returned the favour and left for the library early. I spent several hours there catching up on a biology report I'd put off and preparing for the week ahead. I grabbed a late lunch before heading to the lab to finish the assignment I'd missed earlier in the week and do some extra prep for Davis. As usual in the solitude of the lab, I was so engrossed in my work that I lost all concept of time. A rapping on the window brought me around and I was shocked to see it was dark already. I had to move closer to the glass to see that it was Bella outside. I sent her around to the front door where I let her in.

"Am I that late? My phone didn't ring... Did I miss a call?"

"No. I realized I don't have your number. Stupid huh?"

Oh. Right. "You should've called Jasper. He'd give it to you."

She didn't seem herself as she followed me back to the lab and plunked herself down on the stool at my work table. "I decided to be pro-active and go get you guys this time. You weren't there."

"No. I'm here."

"I'm aware. Jasper told me I'd find you here."

She'd gone to our room. That meant... "You met Rosalie."

She nodded, biting her lip. "Yeah. God! I feel like such an idiot! Why didn't you tell me?" Her tone was angry and accusatory.

"Woah. Hold on Bella. First of all, I _DID_ try to tell you. More than once, in fact. Because I'm a decent guy and I didn't want to see you get hurt. You chose to cut me off. Secondly, as far as I'm concerned, you're not even interested in Jasper so what difference does it make? If you can't even come clean with me, why the fuck is it _MY_ job to inform you of my roommate's sex life?"

She stared at me in shock, never having seen me get angry let alone have it directed at her.

"Bella, I'm sorry... That was harsh..."

"No. You're right. It's not your fault. It wasn't your responsibility. I'm so sorry," she said with utter sincerity. "God, I feel so stupid." A single tear escaped her left eye and trickled down her cheek very slowly.

Feeling like a complete ass myself, I pulled up another stool and sat next to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder to offer consolation. She rested her head on my shoulder and another tear fell to my lap. "Is it that bad?" I asked softly, stroking her hair. "Come on Bella. Talk to me."

"I dunno... It's not like he ever gave a hint that he was even remotely interested in me. I'm more embarrassed than hurt. I feel really stupid Edward," she sniffled. "Arguing with you is the worst part."

"I'm sorry. I don't want to argue either. You've had a tough enough time today. I hate that you found out this way. I should've tried harder to warn you." She wrapped her arms around my waist and shook her head, tears still flowing. "Is there anything I can do? I'm out of my element here... I'm not used to girls crying on me."

She simply shook her head again and squeezed tighter.

"Please talk to me," I pleaded gently. "Tell me what to say or do... Do you even want to talk about it? Or should I just shut up?"

"Okay, I'm not asking this 'cause I still think I have a chance or anything... Honestly, it was a little crush. And I'm over it..."

"Just like that?"

"When there's absolutely nothing to get over, it's easy." she looked up and gave me the tiniest of grins. "How long..."

"Since high school."

"He's never even mentioned her."

"Well, it's a complicated relationship. It's difficult with her going to school so far away. They only see each other on breaks and the odd weekend..."

"Like this one."

"Yeah. They're not as close as they once were but can't let go, you know? Jasper is still committed, but she's not on his mind 24/7."

"I get it. Thanks."

"Sure. You know, if you would've told me how you felt, I could've told you this and saved the shock."

"I know. That's what I'm feeling... the shock. I couldn't tell you. I... I'm really confused about ... everything."

Smiling, I pulled back slightly. "That, I understand completely." I wiped a tear from her chin and resisted the urge to kiss her. "So. What should we do? You probably aren't in a party mood now. We could skip it and just you and I hang out."

She pulled away suddenly and planted a quick kiss on my lips.

"What was that for?" I whispered.

"Thank you. For being here. For being you. I hope I'm not blurring things. I don't want to screw up our thing... I'm just tired of repressing feelings. Understand?"

No. I didn't. At all. But, like a dummy, I nodded. "I'm not gonna bail on you, if that's what you're worried about screwing up. I can handle it."

"Good," she smiled. "Then let's go party Cullen. You and I could use a night of fun."

* * *

Convincing Bella to give me five minutes back at my dorm, I got myself cleaned up. She relaxed the time restriction when we discovered we had the room to ourselves. After I grabbed a shower and Bella fixed her tear-stained face, we headed off refreshed and in a playful mood.

"It's a good thing you let me shower. With all the chemical residue I was sporting, all it would take to make me a live bomb would be one person lighting up next to me. BOOM!"

"Seriously?"

I laughed as I gave her a gentle shove out the door. "No. But you have to admit I smell better."

"l'll admit you're a smartass." She stuck her tongue out at me and took the bag containing wine from me. "And you do smell pretty good. I like that shirt too."

I blushed a little as I looked down. "Actually, this is Jasper's. I didn't have anything clean to change into. It's laundry week."

"Week?" she laughed. "Laundry WEEK?"

Dryly, I replied, "Yeah. We try to get one in each month. It's a big thing."

"I guess so!"

"Yeah, it might be a problem for me this week... with Rosalie here I don't know if we'll get to it."

"Well, I suppose in the interest of hygiene...'cause I don't want to know what other pieces of clothing you guys share... I could give you a hand. If you want."

"I don't know if you're ready for that. I don't think you know what you're getting into. It's a really big thing."

"Really..."

"Huge. And messy."

"I'll bring a nose plug."

"And rubber gloves."

"Purell?"

"Couldn't hurt," I laughed.

"Wow. That's an odd list of requirements for a first date," she laughed along.

Date? What the... did she want an actual date? How do I respond to that? Keep it light Cullen. Be cool. "Oh no no no. I could do much better for a first date."

"Yeah? So tell me what a Cullen first date would be like."

"Depends really."

"On?"

"On who the girl is and which Cullen. For example, an Emmett Cullen first date would most likely take place at a bar. It would include wings. And... Emmett."

"And if it were an Edward Cullen?"

"Still depends on the girl, but an Edward Cullen date may involve taking in a satirical play or comedy show. A dinner that requires utensils... Or maybe just a friend's house party," I smirked. "Something lame. Like an Edward Cullen."

"Both sound interesting, but the house party is a risk."

"Why's that?"

"That depends on so many things... like what the friend is like. And who the guests are. House parties have the potential for disaster."

"True, true. Too many variables for a successful first date. I'll keep that in mind. Thanks for the tip," I gave her a shy smile and led her around the corner. "If you couldn't tell, this is Ellie's place." Music blasted out the door as a group of guests came out for a smoke. We edged our way through and immediately ran into Jasper.

"You found him! Great!" he smiled at Bella. "We were starting to think you two bailed for something better."

"Yeah like getting Edward laid for a change." Rosalie couldn't resist an opportunity to tease or embarrass me.

"Laid for change?" I said loudly, pretending not to hear her over the music. "Nah I pay top dollar."

She rolled her eyes at my joke. "Hey that's your shirt Jaz!"

"I couldn't dig one up. Hope you don't mind."

He shrugged. "Looks better on you anyway."

"Jaz! Why do you let him take your stuff?" Rosalie hissed. "It's not like his parents can't afford to buy him clothes."

Jasper glanced at us apologetically. "It's not a financial thing. It's a time thing. As in, we don't have any. I wear his stuff all the time. I think I'm wearing his socks right now actually."

Rose wrinkled her nose as she turned away to crowd watch. We excused ourselves to go find Sam and Ellie. Locating them in the kitchen, we immediately felt welcome. "Oh good! You're BOTH here!" Ellie hugged me and then Bella. "Edward, you've got to help Sam relax. He's too uptight."

"This'll be a good start." I passed over the chilled case of beer I'd brought.

"Oh, this is from Edward too." Bella presented Ellie with the wine.

"It's from both of us," I corrected.

"Sweet!" she smiled. "Thanks guys. Bella, let's get into this and leave the boys to their beer." The girls stood off to the side chatting over their drinks while Sam and I surveyed the number of extras in the house.

"There was supposed to be 20 of us. Tops." He whistled through his teeth. "Ell's gonna catch big shit if It gets out of hand. I hate not knowing what to expect and I don't know half these people. I didn't even know Rose was here for the weekend."

"Last minute thing."

"And how's that going for you?" Sam grinned. He was the one person I'd confided in when Rosalie was our third roomie for an entire month over the summer. What a pain in the ass.

"It's alright. It's only when we're around each other more than a few days that it gets problematic. Hey, did my brother show up?"

"Yeah. He's here somewhere..."

We located him lip-locked with Alice so I didn't bother with them. Instead, Sam and I cracked another beer each and toasted a night of good tunes and good friends. I was into my third before I caught up with Bella again. My friends and I stood watching the girls dance together.

"Just like high school. They're out there and we're the dweebs watching from the side," Sam laughed.

"Nah. This is better than high school," Jasper smirked.

"They dance sexier," I commented.

"It's the alcohol," Sam stated. "Loosens their inhibitions."

"And they get as horny as we do. Yep. So much better than high school..."

We were chuckling still when Bella approached. "Come dance you guys! You look bored."

Jasper responded by grinding on Rose on the dance floor, a knowing grin in place. Ellie pulled Sam away from the wall and Bella attempted to coax me out too.

"It's gonna take a few more beers to get E out there. Sorry Bella," Sam informed her with a laugh.

"Suit yourself." She turned away and danced with Alice.

"Enjoying the show little brother?" Em was suddenly beside me, arms folded across his broad chest. "Question is... Who holds your eye longer?"

"You didn't answer my text." I avoided his question altogether. He wasn't always an amicable drunk. Best not to get into a competitive thing with him.

"I was otherwise occupied," he grinned and slapped my back. "Bella's been hanging with you quite a bit. Get any yet?"

"We're friends, Emmett. I see Jared over there. I'm gonna go say hi." Convenient escape from his intrusive questions.

I circulated, talking to friends and moderating my drinking. I wanted to get a buzz but still be in control. Seeking out Bella once again, I watched her dance with Sam this time. Wish I had the balls...

"Dance with me." Alice grabbed my arm and tugged me towards the crowd before I could resist. Once out there, I has no choice but to give it a shot. It wasn't bad, I discovered, provided I didn't think about my movements. We traded off partners frequently. I even had a go with Sam. When a slow number came on, everyone found their mates and Bella and I were left staring at each other.

"Awkward," I commented as we closed in. "Should we... I mean, do you want to get some air or..."

"We should dance. It's slow. I think you're loose now." She grinned and wrapped her arms around my neck. "It's not so bad huh?"

I rested my cheek against her soft hair. "It's not horrible."


	9. Chapter 9

**_Thank you Stephenie! Your characters rock!_**

**Chapter 9**

We moved together well for the first dance. Nearing the end, she cuddled in closer and I could feel her hot breath on the exposed skin on my chest. My body reacted embarrassingly high school boy-like. To avoid jabbing her as we moved, I pretended to stumble a bit, tripping on her foot. Breaking into laughter, she released me and led me outside.

"Thanks for trying. I know it's not your thing," she said as we walked for a bit.

"You seem to be coping..." I commented in a soft voice. Jasper had been all over Rose all night. Could be difficult to watch.

Bella shrugged. "I love Ellie. She's amazingly sweet."

"Yeah. I knew you two would hit it off. You're a lot similar."

Bella smirked as she slammed into my side. "It's not fair that you get to call me sweet when that word is forbidden for you."

I groaned in response and rolled my eyes at her.

"You are sweet Cullen. Why is that so bad?"

"Bella... Kittens are sweet. Ellie is sweet. I'm a man. Men should not be thought of as sweet. It's emasculating." God. I sounded whiny. Like a little boy insisting he's all grown up. See, this is why you're always the sweet buddy Cullen. Grow the fuck up.

"...be described?"

I realized too late that Bella was talking to me while I berated myself internally. "Sorry... say again?"

She laughed as she repeated herself. "It's not a trick question Cullen. How would you want to be described? What word fits you?"

"I dunno... dork? Idiot? Which is better?"

Chuckling, she didn't reply. "Alice asked if I could stay back for awhile. You know, let her have the room..."

"Ah. Well, it's not gonna wind up here anytime soon, I can tell you that. You could always hang in my room if you wanna leave before... they're done with yours." Damn my brother! He shouldn't be putting Bella in this situation!

Bella shivered as a breeze caught us turning the corner.

"Shit, I didn't even realize... Sorry. You should have told me you were cold." We'd both come out as we were. That left Bella in a tank and thin hoodie. I pulled off my own jacket and put it over her shoulders. I'd freeze myself 'till we got back to Ellie's. I didn't have long to endure it. Bella challenged me to a race back. I acted like a childish dick and ran at full speed, not giving her a shot. I was rewarded with a flat-handed smack on the chest when she caught up with me. That immediately wiped the smirk from my face. I was cold. That shit hurt!

Shots were lined up on the half-wall when we went inside. The line formed from the other end but feeling my buzz fading quickly, I scooped up two glasses and passed one to Bella. We clinked and downed, grinning like fools as the protests began. I pulled her through the crowd and into the kitchen where it was warmer.

"Heineken?" I offered as I popped the cap on one and took a long swig before she made her decision. Grabbing the bottle from my hand, she did the same.

"I could have gotten you one of your own," I smirked as she passed it back.

"Thanks Edward. That's sweet!" she taunted with a wicked grin.

Before I could object, Rosalie's voice rang out. "Don't be an ass Jasper!"

"Baby, why would I lie?" Jaz followed behind a fuming Rose.

"Edward, where was he on Tuesday?"

Tuesday? How the hell would I know? "I'm not getting involved," I threw my hands up and glanced at my friend. He shifted his feet and shook his head.

"Don't look at him," Rose demanded, her face inches from mine. "I'm asking you Edward. As a friend."

"I have to take a piss." And with that, my best friend left me to deal with his angry girlfriend.

"I honestly don't know Rose," I stated truthfully. Thinking back, he wasn't in our room before I fell asleep.

"I wanna know where the fuck he is that he turns his phone off. Tuesday, in particular." Rose plucked the bottle from my hand and helped herself.

"What the fuck?" I glanced at Bella as I heard a snicker. She coughed and looked at her feet as she leaned against the counter. "As I said, I don't know. Maybe he was at rehearsal. He wouldn't even hear his phone so why have it on?"

"I talked to Jared. Not rehearsal."

Sighing, I raked my fingers through my hair. "He's not cheating."

Rose looked at me closely. "Don't cover for him."

"I'm not. Look, Rose... I know that if you caught him in a lie, you'd rip his balls off..."

"Same for you. Friends don't lie to each other. I know we bicker, but I hope you still consider us friends. I do."

"I do as well. And I know my balls are of no use to you but are quite valuable to me, so I'd really like to hang onto them." I returned her steady gaze. "I'm not lying Rose. He wouldn't cheat on you."

She assessed my words and body language. Satisfied I was being truthful, she hugged me fiercely. "Thanks Edward. I trust you more than him right now. I believe you."

"So uh... my goods are safe?" I teased.

Laughing, she pulled away and winked at me. "For now."

She left to find Jaz and needing a drink more than ever, I opened two more bottles, passing Bella one.

"She's had too much to drink," I explained. "She gets all paranoid and jealous..."

"Hmm. Is he cheating?" Bella asked directly.

"No. I don't know where he was, but I know Jaz. And I can safely say I didn't lie to Rose." I'd have to have a chat with him later. Something was definitely up, he'd had his phone off a lot lately. I didn't want to pry, but putting me in the middle like this was not cool. At all. I swallowed down my beer and opened another as Jaz pulled me aside to request a call-in when I was heading home.

"There could be make-up sex... Give me some warning, okay dude?"

Fucking great. Bella and I both evicted from our rooms. They'd effectively killed my buzz and I was almost out of beer. Fucking perfect.

* * *

Monday was painfully long. I had more than enough to keep me occupied, but I was completely pre-occupied and got nothing accomplished. I couldn't escape the thought that I'd screwed myself. Again.

Sam and Ell had asked Bella and I to stay overnight since we were effectually homeless for the night. After a clean-up, the four of us had a few more drinks together before crashing. This is the starting point for my current state of doubt. That part of the night, four friends private after-party, was extremely coupley. So when Bella bit her lip and took my hand at the door to the room she was crashing in, I was beyond blurry.

Drunk and extremely horny, the fact that I could fuck up another friendship eluded me for the moment. Well no, I was aware. I just didn't care. No, I did care... I was just really horny.

She kissed me first. She has a tongue piercing that I hadn't expected. At all. It made me wonder what else I'd discover as I got to know her better. And it turned me on even more.

I honestly have no idea how long it lasted. It felt like eternity and a split second all at the same time. Reality (insanity?) hit when she moaned my name into my open mouth as I hovered at her lips needing more. I had her pinned between the door and myself, one hand gripping her ass, the other tangled in her hair. That's when Alice popped in my head. Fuck!

I'd tried my best to ignore her but I couldn't get past the similarities between that night and this one. That's still bugging me. She was getting laid... By my brother no less. Not fucking fair. I didn't want her. I just wanted my stupid mistakes to stop haunting me. She embodied my stupidity.

So I stopped. With great reluctance. Bella moaned in protest. And then groaned, clutching her stomach. I watched in horror as she dashed to the bathroom, feeling like a complete ass. She was far too drunk to be thinking clearly and here I was groping her.

She was ashy when she emerged from the bathroom, shaking. I'd taken her by the waist, supporting her wobbly legs and led her to the bed, wrapping her shivering body with several blankets. I'd sat on the edge of the tub during two more rounds of violent retching. I'd carried her back to bed the last time and sat with her head in my lap as I smoothed her hair and hummed softly until she fell asleep. Christ. I am fucking sweet.

I'd woken stiff and hungover with a wet spot on my crotch. Bella drools in her sleep apparently. Cute. She was quiet and shy passing in the hall on my way to and hers from, the bathroom. She glanced at my wet spot and blushed. I blushed as well wondering what the hell she thought it was. I resisted pointing out it was from her.

She politely declined an invitation to breakfast and we dropped her at her dorm before the three of us went to eat. I hadn't seen or spoken to her since but she was the only thing on my mind. I couldn't fuck this up. I was determined not to fuck this up. Only problem was, how the fuck do I do that?

This problem plagued me all day throughout my classes. I wasn't about to do the avoidance thing but I didn't have a clue how to approach her. Deciding it was best just to get it overwith, I made my way to the bookstore before going to work myself. It was a slow and tortured walk as I went over it all in my head once more. She'd kissed me. She was kinda flirty all night, not only after I got her drunk. Did I get her drunk? No. That was her choice. It was her choice to kiss me as well. She knew how I felt about friends messing around, she wouldn't be reckless with my feelings. Would she? Jesus I'm neurotic. And too fucking nice for my own good. Seriously. 1stopped a few doors down to give myself a pep talk.

Okay Cullen, just relax and go with it. If she's flirty, grow a set and ask her out. If she plays it down, don't be a pussy and get all emotional. She's a cool friend. Don't fuck it up.

Taking a deep breath, I pulled the door open muttering to myself. Be cool. Don't. Fuck. Up. A gust of wind caught the door as I went through forcing it open and effectually locking it that way. I had to put down the tray of coffees to use both hands to haul it shut. Cool. Very very cool dipshit.

The two girls Bella was ringing in giggled. Bella didn't exactly laugh at me but she wore a half smirk. "Be with you in a minute Cullen."

I leaned on the end of the counter while I waited. The girls were openly staring. I flashed a grin and they giggled. Why? The door thing still? Did I have something on my face? Completely paranoid now, I leaned on my elbows so I could wipe at my face discreetly. I hadn't shaved for several days. Crumbs in the stubble? Bella had given their change, but they lingered, casting glances at me still and feeding my anxiety.

"Hey." Bella adopted my pose from her side of the counter.

"Hey," I grinned. "Um, I brought you coffee. And Ginger ale. Just in case the tummy's not good."

She blushed and chewed on a nail. "Thanks Cullen. That's really sw..." she stopped herself, grinning at me shyly. "That's so you."

"How are you?"

"Still kinda queasy. It's tenuous." She was blushing fiercely. Why? "How did you make out?"

"Ah, I persevered. Got my laundry done." I held my jacket open proudly displaying layers of shirts. "See? Mine. And it's all clean."

More giggles. Jesus! I shot them a look, which Bella caught as well. "Is there something else I can help you with?" she called over to them, not leaving her spot across from me.

They giggled some more and shook their heads, examining a bookmark for the eighth time. Bella shrugged and resumed our conversation. "Dude, you held the event without me? Not cool!"

"Well I didn't figure you'd be up for it yesterday. Next time." I threw in a wink and the giggles erupted.

Now they were seriously annoying me. This seemed to be going well. Better than I'd expected actually. But these twits were throwing me off.

"...plans for the weekend?"

"Huh?" Focus Cullen. "Oh, big plans for the library. I've got a paper due. Needless to say I didn't work on it at all last weekend. You?"

"Pretty much the same. I'm working most of it. The rest should be spent productively as a student I suppose. Why the library? Is Rose still staying with you?"

"No no. I just get more accomplished at the library. Less distraction. Rose left yesterday."

"Ah. You get distracted?"

"Very easily."

"_Icky Thump_ starts calling you?"

"Exactly!" I laughed with her. "Hmph. I should get going. I'm supposed to be at work myself."

"Yeah? Hey, can you do me a favour? I've got some stuff I was supposed to take to Davis sometime this week... you could save me the trip to the science buildings."

"Yeah. You don't want to be caught hanging out there..." I teased.

"Don't leave yet. I'll grab them. It's not like last time!" she called over her shoulder as she ran to the back room, leaving me with the giggle sisters. Argh. I picked up my coffee and turned away, my back against the counter so I wouldn't have the watch them anymore.

"Thanks Cullen." Bella returned promptly with three books. "You're too good to me," she smiled warmly at me. "This too," indicating her drinks. "That was really thoughtful."

I nodded, shoving my hands in my pockets. How do I leave this? My earlier pep talk to myself seemed inane. She was neither flirty nor reserved. Just... Bella. "So, do you think we should exchange numbers? I mean, now that we've slept together it kinda seems like we should," I grinned.

Bella turned six shades of red as the girls gasped and snickered. "Okay! I think you girls are done here? Don't you have somewhere else you could be?" They froze as Bella snapped at them, then rushed past me with silly grins and laughter erupting outside.

"What the fuck was with them?" I asked.

"They like you Cullen. They think you're cute." She seemed as annoyed as I felt. Annoyed with me? Or the girls?

I shrugged. "So... Number? Yes or no?"

She gave me an intent look. One I couldn't decipher. "Well, if you really needed to contact me you could always call Alice."

"I did actually. Last night."

She gaped at me, speechless.

"I was worried. I wanted to check on you. Alice said you were sleeping."

"I...yeah...I slept right through 'till morning..." she stammered. "You called? For me?"

I smiled my cocky grin. She liked that I'd called... hmmm. "It would be so much easier to just call YOU. You know, when I really need to contact you."

"Um, yeah...hang on." She dug her phone out of her bookbag to add me as well.

I took it from her when she was done to see what she put me under in her contacts. "Cullen? You entered me as 'Cullen'." I made a face.

"What?" she made a face back at me. "Should I have used your nickname?"

I raised an eyebrow in interest. Cullen was my nickname really. Or just E. "And that would be..."

"Sweetie," she teased. "Or do you prefer Sweetums?" She grabbed her phone back from me and started tapping on the keys. "Call me."

I stood there like an idiot.

"Cullen, hello! Are you there? Call me!"

"What, now?"

Laughing, she grabbed my phone and searched for her listing. "Do you want to miss work altogether tonight? There... B? I'm just 'B'? How is that better than Cullen?" She passed mine back when hers began to ring. Then she showed me her call display. Christ. I should've been happy enough with Cullen.

I rolled my eyes and groaned. "I have like, no dick at all when I'm around you. You know that. You may as well include me in your next girls makeover night or whatever it is you do..." I grumbled.

"Edward," she drawled. "Don't get pissy. I know that's not true...what you just said." She was suddenly blushing again.

I was trying to comprehend why hearing her say my name...my first name...made my heart pump faster. I didn't get to the part after that until we'd said our goodbyes and I had my hand on the door handle. What had I said that wasn't true? Oh! I turned back and cocked my head. "What did you say before Bella? What isn't true?"

She bit down hard on her lip. "You do have one."

"One...?" I couldn't resist teasing her now. I wanted to see how many more shades her skin could turn.

"You know...your manhood is understood."

"My manhood?" I laughed.

"Argh! You know what I mean!"

"No Bella. I'm afraid I don't. Are you referring to my maleness in general? Or are you calling a certain appendage my 'manhood'?"

"No! Both! I mean...oh my god." She buried her face in her hands.

I returned to my spot across from her and gently pulled her hands away. "I'm teasing you. Sorry."

"I know you're not one of the girls Edward. Shit. That was made very obvious the other night." She looked shy and uncertain and I felt like a walking, talking dick for teasing her.

"Bella..." I said softly. "I'm sorry. I was just playing around. I'm an idiot."

"No..."

"I am. Seriously. I mean, I didn't even know if I should bring that up...what happened...sorry. I mean...should I be sorry?"

"For being an idiot?" she smirked, turning the table on me.

"Touche." I laughed nervously noticing she had very effectively avoided my question. My phone interrupted further conversation. "Sorry," I apologised when I finished my call. "That was Davis. I really have to go. We should talk?" I asked quietly since customers had come in while I was on the phone.

"I dunno Edward. We don't seem to communicate well with words, you and I. It may make it..."

"Awkward?" Shit! I'd fucked it up.

"We should just... I dunno." A lady waiting patiently at the counter caught our eyes.

"I should go..." I gave what I think turned out to be a sad, beaten down grin. That's it Cullen. Go emo. Fuck it up good.

"Cullen!" Bella called out before I closed the door behind me. "Thanks again for the coffee. I'm working tomorrow too...if you're not busy."

I smiled normally this time. "Same time tomorrow B. Have a good night."

I evaluated while I high-tailed it back to campus. She hadn't shot me down but didn't seem anxious to discuss our incident, let alone repeat it. But she had brought it up.

She'd called me 'Edward' three times. Of course, she'd called me 'Cullen' at least that many times not to mention my stupid caller ID name. I'd have to pay attention to her moods when she called me by different names. It must mean something... Jesus. You're losing it Cullen. What does it matter what she calls you?

She asked me to come back.

I smiled the rest of the night.

* * *

_A/N~Can these two just admit they have something? Keep reading! Thanks for the comments, keep 'em coming!~SR_


	10. Chapter 10

**_Character names belong to Stephenie Meyer, not I._**

**Chapter 10**

"Hey!" Bella answered cheerfully when I called the next evening. "Where are you?"

"On my way. Have you eaten?"

"No..."

"Good. See you in ten minutes."

I arrived with food and drink and was greeted with a huge grin.

"I thought you weren't coming."

"Sorry. I had to go see a house. Hope you like spicy food."

"Love it!"

I pulled out take-out containers of Thai chicken and noodles as well as several bottles of water. "We'll need these for dinner. I'll run out for coffee later." There were no customers so we stood at the counter and ate.

"So you're looking at a house? Are you moving?"

"Hoping to. Not 'till the summer though."

"Don't you go home?"

I shook my head, mouth too full to speak. "Sorry, no. I take summer classes," I explained once I could talk. "Last year they let us stay in the dorm but it got a little crowded."

"The dorm? I thought it would be empty."

"No, I mean our room. Rosalie was with us for like, six weeks. We were bitching at each other constantly for the last four," I laughed. "So Leah knows this guy who rents out a house. He's got students moving out so we could take it over when this term ends."

"Cool! It's close to campus?"

"Yeah. It's actually closer for me...for the science department anyway. And there's more privacy so it's better all 'round."

"Much more expensive though?"

"Not really. The guy's giving us a break 'cause of Leah. He has a second unit available, same house...I'd love to take that one, it's huge. Three bedrooms, eat-in kitchen, big common room and two bathrooms. It's quite a bit more though. We'd either have to bring in another roomie or beg my parents to raise my allowance." I winked as she excused herself to help a customer.

Business picked up so I packed up our empty trays and went to get dessert for later. I recognized the same customer from the previous night waiting for Bella when I returned. I smiled at her, putting the tray on the end counter.

"Coffee break?" she smiled in return.

"Bella doesn't really get away so I bring it in for her. She should be with you soon."

"Sorry Victoria! I have your books, just give me two minutes okay?" Bella called down the aisle. I rushed to help her when she reappeared with a large box.

"Good for you Bella! You found your own help here since they won't hire any for you," the woman called Victoria smiled. "Good choice too. This one brings coffee."

"Mocha today," I corrected.

Bella squealed her approval as she rang through the sale. When I returned from carrying the box to Victoria's car, Bella had a dot of whipped cream on her nose.

"You couldn't wait for me," I teased.

"I did! I am..." She passed me a cup.

"Bella..." I leaned well over the counter. "Your nose says otherwise." She blushed as I whispered into her ear.

"Jeez... I'm worse than Pinocchio!" she laughed, wiping at her nose. "That happens all the time."

"I know. It's cute. You missed a spot." I got the last of it off with my finger, which I licked clean. "She's a regular customer I take it?"

"Victoria? Yeah. She's my journalism professor as well."

"Really? I know you want to write...you want to be a journalist?"

"It's a back-up plan."

"For...? What do you want to write Bella?"

"Screenplays. Ideally. But I'll probably end up writing for some rag like 'Us' or the 'National Enquirer'."

I smirked at the thought of Bella writing gossip. "You need creative writing for that, not journalism," I teased. "Screenplays huh? You should take the film class with us this summer. We need a writer...think about it..."

"Film class? Okay Cullen. You baffle me. Pre-med, lit and now film?"

"For fun. Jaz needed the credit and he convinced me to take it with him last year. I needed another class to be eligible to stay in the dorm for summer. It's a blast, you should really consider it."

She shook her head. "I have to work so I can't be a full-time summer student which means I'll lose my room..."

"Move with us!"

Bella laughed at my invitation. "Right. My dad would love me living with two guys."

"It's actually a good idea if you present it properly. You'd be safer. We'd take care of you."

"My dad's a cop. He's all about safety," she grinned. "He doesn't trust boys though. Especially around me."

"Even dickless ones?" I teased.

"Edward! Stop!" She lowered her head, blushing.

"Would it be too awkward for you with Jasper?" I asked in a soft tone. She hadn't mentioned him at all.

"No no... Seriously, it was like, a crush. That's all. Not a big deal Cullen. Don't stress." She busied herself with paperwork so I knew that discussion was over.

Still, I can be an ass. And a persistent one at that, so I brought it up again as we walked home. "You know, it wouldn't be you living with two guys. Rose will be there. It's two girls, two guys. You'd have your own room. We'd have to share a bathroom though."

"Do you piss in the toilet or down the side? I'd need to know."

"In. Mostly. But I do clean...one of the hazards of being a science nerd...I've seen the slides of every form of bacteria in biology. It's disgusting. Sanitation is important."

"Really...?"

"You can check it out if you'd like. My bathroom is female friendly."

"Yeah, you probably just cleaned..."

"You can do a random cleanliness check."

"You're serious..."

"Yeah." I was surprised myself to admit that.

I had been joking around, but the idea of having Bella under the same roof, being able to see her every day really appealed to me. Asking about my bathroom habits...was she considering it? Or just messing with me? "Seriously Bella. It would be awesome if you'd be our extra we need to get the bigger apartment."

"How much?"

Holy fuck. She was actually considering it! "Less than the dorm for the summer with the four-way split."

"And after?" she grimaced.

"We can work something out."

"No! I'd pay my own share..."

"I meant, add another roommate or something. I wasn't suggesting..."

"Oh." She blushed furiously.

I held her arm to stop with me. "I'm not pressuring you am I?" I asked softly, looking into her eyes.

"No. It's just...sudden. It's kinda random to be offered a place to live."

"Well, it's there if you want it. Think it over. Talk to your dad. I think it would be 50 bucks a month more. 75 tops. All in."

"Cool." She chewed on her lip as she did when she was holding something in.

"Question?"

"Huh?"

"You look like you want to ask something. Did you want to see the place?"

"I dunno. That might make it harder to be rational."

I narrowed my eyes. "Explain please?"

"It's more than money and getting it by my dad. There's Alice to think of as well. She's counting on me to room with her in the fall."

"Hmm. Yeah, I see how that could hold you back. You're cold," I noticed her starting to shiver. "Should we walk again?" We strolled, keeping up our conversation. I noticed Bella frowning. The last thing I wanted was to give her anything to stress over. So I dropped it and promised myself I'd leave it alone no matter how much I wanted it to happen.

"So I'm working tomorrow. No coffee run, sorry." I nudged her with my elbow.

"Good. I'm kinda sick of seeing you anyway."

I stopped in my tracks, slack-jawed. Laughing, she took off like lightning. "I'm winning this one Cullen. Suck on it!"

I let her win this one. I can be a gentleman.

* * *

To appease my fragile male ego, she brought a jumbo coffee to the lab for me, along with a meatball sub and later, she pulled out a cookie...for my 'softer side'. She meant the 12 year-old that resided in me still, but whatever. The cookie was soft and chewy, just as I liked them and we were alone. She brought her laptop and worked on an essay while I did my job. I hoped this would become a regular thing with us. But it wasn't immediate. I had my day of late classes on Thursday. Bella was meeting her dad for dinner Friday. And we both were slammed with assignments due the next week. Aside from texts, sent and received with a pleasant regularity, there was no contact for almost a week.

I had a meeting with Davis after class Tuesday. He offered me his Teacher's Assistant position for next year. More money and great for my resume and med-school applications. Also more time consuming. I'd need to consider it. But first... I needed to see Bella. I was watching the clock all through our meeting and the minute it wrapped, I dashed out, pulling my jacket on as I ran down the street. She'd be closing up soon. I didn't want to miss her. I was winded when I arrived and she didn't give me a chance to recover. She was on top of a ladder, placing overstock above the shelves.

"Hey Cullen!" she smiled. "Perfect timing. Pass that box up to me?"

I bent to grab the box below her and rose to face the most perfect ass I'd ever witnessed. Right there. Inches from my face. I passed the books up, two at a time, growing harder by the second.

"Are you hungry?"

There was something I wanted to nibble on... "Bella, I can always eat," I replied in a more acceptable manner.

"Go in the back. There's a sandwich in the fridge for you."

"Seriously?"

She smiled as she climbed down, stopping a rung off the ground so she was closer to my height. "I was hoping you'd show up. God, your eyes are awesome. I don't get you face to face too much. I'm always looking up. They're a deeper colour like this. Weird. And beautiful."

"Um...thanks? Though I don't know why I'd say that, it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with DNA."

Rolling her eyes, she stepped down and folded the ladder. "Can you take this with you? You'll see the rack by the fridge. Thanks Edward."

That meant taking my hands out of my pockets. Shit. Don't look down Bella. Focus on my eyes until I get turned away. I took a moment to readjust myself into a less obvious bulge before coming back out. God love the skinny jeans. God bless the skinny jeans on that ass! Shit. Readjust..."So, we need some R&R," I said around a bite of pastrami. "We've worked our asses off this past week."

Smiling, she leaned on the counter in our usual opposing stance. "What do you have in mind?"

The door opened behind me. Bella glanced, hid a smirk and raised her eyebrows. "Well?"

"Underground. Friday."

"I'm working!"

"After work then. I'll come over and get you. Ell asked for you. She really wants you to be there."

"Ellie's going?" Bella's smile grew.

"Around 10 then?" I smiled back knowing that clinched it. "We'll miss a couple of songs but we'll be there for most."

"9:30. I'll close up early. By the way," she leaned closer to whisper in my ear."Your friends are here."

I turned to see who she meant. "Aw fuck!" I whispered back. It was the gigglers. "If I didn't want to walk home with you so bad I'd bolt."

Laughing, she reached up and tousled my hair. "So cute! Don't roll your eyes at me Cullen. It's more fascinating than point-making. I see all the shades of green when you do that." She stared at me intently, inches from my face.

"Is that so? Then I'll have to fascinate you more often my Bella." My voice was coarse and low. She licked her bottom lip and I got a peek at her piercing. Recalling how it had felt in my mouth that night, it moved. Again. Dammit!

"Um, I need to close," Bella said shakily. "Could you lock the door for me? I've gotta get these girls looked after."

"Love to, but I can't really move right now," I confessed, figuring it was better to be embarrassed in front of one girl I knew than her and two gigglers.

She cocked her head to one side, not understanding.

I was blushing now. I had to be. "Um, if you go away and give me a minute or two, I can regain control. But if you keep looking at me like that, and breathing on me ..."

"Oh!" She turned my shade of red. Instead of doing as I requested, she leaned in closer and giggled, "I told you you're not dickless around me." I liked her giggle. God. I loved her giggle. So did my twitching dick.

"That didn't help."

"I know." She had the slyest grin as she turned towards the girls. Suddenly turning back, she placed a quick kiss on my cheek. "Don't worry. I'll get the door."

"Fuck!" I moaned under my breath. The girls eyed me from their place down the aisle. I grinned and waved. They blushed and rushed towards the exit as Bella got to the door herself.

And we were alone.


	11. Chapter 11

**_SM created great characters, but I also have to give credit in this chapter to Jack White et al, Kings of Leon and The Killers. All lyrical masters. As well as top guitarist/composer Eric Clapton. Their skills leave me in awe. _**

**Chapter 11**

On the third day of complete confusion and utter frustration, I gave up. Not only had Bella not repeated her show of affection, she hadn't even mentioned it. She hadn't acknowledged or teased me about the flirting, the kiss, the third party in my pants (which accompanied us the entire walk home thankyouverymuch...if it only had such staying power when it was useful, but I digress). She didn't comment on my eyes again, nor gaze into them as she had Tuesday. Please God, don't let her be fucking with me... She was just Bella. Which, in itself made me happy. I liked Bella. My body obviously did as well but I wasn't about to force the issue. By Friday, I'd given up trying to be cool and impress her. I determined that the flirting, the kiss, that was to put the gigglers off. That was a Bella thing to do. I gave my dick a stern talking to and prepared for a regular night out with friends.

I hung out with Ellie when I wasn't needed for set-up. It was rare that she made it to these gigs so she was super excited. Between shooting the shit with her and Leah and pissing out the beers Leah kept passing over, I lost track of time only realizing Bella would be waiting on me when Emmett and Alice showed up and asked where she was. Ellie gave me a drive, thankfully, so I arrived just in time. The girls embraced like old friends. Bella was surprised to see her with me.

"I had to drive," she explained. "Our boy is a little drunk."

I gave a little wave and bowed.

"Already?" Bella laughed. "Let me guess... Leah?"

"I'm gonna marry 'er," I slurred, leaning on the counter. "She just doesn't know it yet."

"Did you eat?"

"Bella's always trying to feed me," I grinned at Ellie. "Can I have two wives?"

"You can have whatever you desire, sweet thing. You won't remember any of it in the morning though." Ellie wrapped her arm around my waist and laid her head on my shoulder. "You're ready Bella?"

"Five minutes?"

"Okay hon. Edward could use some air. I'll just take him outside to wait," she winked at Bella and pulled me upright.

"I think I'll marry you too Ell. Would Sam be pissed?"

"Sam would be pissed Edward."

"I'd marry Sam. You know, seriously, if I was gay, I'd totally be into Sam. He's so fucking cool. I wanna be Sam. Then I _could_ marry you! Ell! That's fantastic!"

Ellie rolled her eyes at me. "Come on cheeky... Let's get you outside."

I was grumbling about five Bella minutes being a fucking hour when she came out, locking the door before joining us at the car. She'd changed clothes and let her hair down. She had on those ass-nibbling skinnies again. "Fuck me," I mumbled as she leaned in the car to toss her bag on the floor. Ellie stopped me from grabbing her ass but I took in a good eyeful.

I rode in the back and, I think, dozed on the way back to the club. That few minutes rest and the slap of cold air that hit me when we got out of the car seemed to refresh me. I hadn't been falling down drunk, but a definite buzz for sure. I felt a bit more in control now. "You look wonderful tonight," I murmured in melody to Bella as I rose to my full height from the car.

"Clapton. Great song."

I pulled her into a hug. "She knows Eric Clapton! Ell! Can you believe it?"

Laughing, Ellie wrapped her arm around me as well and I walked back into The Underground with a shit-eating grin, a girl in each arm.

"Is he okay?" Bella leaned forward to talk to Ellie around me.

"He's fine. He needs to be...relaxed. You know, like when he's attempting to dance?"

"I'm _NOT_ dancing!" I announced loudly. A door had been opened and the music blasted out of the sound system.

"Shh! No one's talking to you." Ellie unwrapped herself from me and winked at Bella. "You'll understand soon. I'm gonna go find my man. Save me a spot in the pit!"

"Alright, let's get you a drink!" I pulled Bella by the hand to the bar.

Leah was already popping of the cap of a Heineken for me and waited for Bella's drink order. She got the same and insisted on paying when I got my wallet out. Then we made our way to the pit. With a few minutes to spare, we secured a spot against the stage so we'd have a place to put our drinks down.

"So your little friends were in tonight," Bella told me between sips. "They didn't stick around once they saw you weren't there."

"Did you chase them off again?" I grinned. She blushed in response just as the lights dimmed further and the recorded music cut off. We waved to Ellie to join us when she came out. She and Bella huddled while I took advantage of the stage to lean on. Emmett joined me while Alice divided her time between us and the girls.

Bella came up against me to shout in my ear, "This is my favourite. Is it one of your songs?"

I nodded. _'Illusion'_ was my life story, basically.

"I'd like to read your poetry sometime. Could I?"

I stared intently into her sincere dark eyes. "You wanna go now?" Something bounced off my shoulder, then my head, stinging a bit. Picks.

Laughing, Bella pointed me towards the stage. "They're trying to get your attention."

"As I was saying..." Ty grinned at me. "Tonight's guest singer is previously selected by a very special member of the audience. Great to see you here love. Let's make it a regular thing huh?" Ah, Ellie. This should be good. "So come on up Cullen. You cannot refuse Ell."

"Sing for me sweet thing. Please?" she pleaded with a sly grin as I shot her a look.

"Get up here E!" Sam tossed another pick in my direction.

Shoving our drinks over a bit, I pulled myself up on the stage and joined my friends. Selecting a song, I went over to the keyboards to start _'All These Things That I Have Done'_. Great Killers tune sung by Ty. I grabbed a spare guitar after the intro and played and sang back-up with Jaz.

He held my arm as I began to take off the guitar when it ended. "We're satsifying all our ladies' desires here tonight," he drawled into the mic.

"Yes," Ty took over for him. "I'm taking a piss break. And as per request by a lady who claims to be our biggest fan, Cullen's gonna take over for a bit."

A whoop came from the back of the crowd and my brother drummed his hands on the stage, grinning like a madman. I collected my beer and swallowed it down before moving into Ty's place. "Um, hi," I said whole adjusting the mic stand to my height. "Requests?"

Regulars called out titles and Jaz waved them down. "Covers guys. Cover tunes only. You know Edward doesn't sing his own stuff."

"_'Soft'_!" Emmett shouted out.

"Yeah. Uh, fuck off," I grinned back at him. "Okay so I'm gonna choose... _'Hands'_, by The Raconteurs" I got the nod of approval from the guys. "You know who it's for. 'Cause we're your biggest fan too baby." I pointed back at Leah who now stood on her bar clapping and hollering.

"_2,3,4..._" I sang lead on this and when it was done, I motioned for Ty to come back. He shook his head and waved me on amicably. "Okay so back to requests," I said shyly. "Ell, what do you wanna hear?"

"Bella's choice!" she shouted out.

Grinning, I looked to Bella with a raised brow. "Make it good or there'll be no more mocha for you."

I had to lean down to hear her selection. It hadn't taken her long to come up with it and I smiled in approval.

"This is _'Effect and Cause'_. If you don't like The White Stripes or our rendition of it, blame my friend Bella."

They seemed to like. The noise was deafening when we finished. Feeling very loose and comfortable, I played the opening riff of KOL's _'Soft'_, much to my brother's amusement. The band joined in and I waved for Ty to come back as I sang, "_I used to see you everyday..._" We traded off vocals and then I waved at the crowd before running to the side. I felt uncomfortable with the few people gathered there gushing over my performance so I headed back out. There was no chance of me getting back into the pit so I headed over to the bar.

"Awesome job babycakes! This one's on me." She slid over what I vowed would be my last drink of the night.

"Mission accomplished Leah. You don't need to ply me with more alcohol," I grinned.

"Don't be mad...it was a joint effort. You should do this more often Cullen."

"Yes he should," a voice said over my shoulder. Bella had her arms around my waist as she planted a kiss on my neck. "That was...amazing. Edward... I... I don't even know what to say."

"Nothing. Say nothing. Come get some air with me?" I stood and took her hand, finishing my beer in a long swallow. We went through the back so I could grab my jacket for Bella since she'd left hers in Ellie's car. It dwarfed her, but at least she'd be warm. I had enough alcohol to make me think I was warm. "Fun night?" I asked as we strolled along.

"It's always fun with you Cullen."

"Yeah," I snorted. "Hanging with me at the lab is so exciting."

"I don't need constant thrills you know. Whatever we're doing...it's comfortable. Nice."

I smiled because it was the same for me. "Um...you know, I should eat. I'm still quite drunk and at risk of being more of an idiot than usual."

We stopped in to grab pizza slices. I also downed two bottles of water to help the hangover I was bound to have coming. Bella yawned as we left the shop.

"You're done?" I grinned, catching her yawning a second time.

"I think I am. Sorry. Long day."

"Mmm."

"You going back?"

"Nah. I'll just end up drinking more. My body is telling me I should quit now. Do you want to grab a taxi?"

"I'd rather walk. If you're okay?"

"Sure. We're halfway now...I can get your stuff from Ell tomorrow, if that's okay."

We continued on, chatting easily. I was sobering up slowly. It was when we reached Bella's dorm that we realized we'd fucked up. Her keys were in the car at the club. And I was really feeling the cold now.

"I'm really sorry. I wasn't even thinking... God, you must be freezing!"

"A liitle, yeah. Let's go to my room and call Alice. We can wait there for her."

I cursed under my breath, fumbling with my keys and my damned frozen fingers. Finally opening for me, I poked my head in to check for anything I didn't want seen laying around. All clear, I held the door for Bella as I dug my phone out of my pocket. I'd missed a text from Jaz saying he was crashing at Jared's. Still buzzed just enough to take advantage of the boldness I acquired through booze, I pulled Bella down on my bed with me and wrapped us together in a blanket. "Brrr! Warm me up."

"Sorry," she said, cuddling in.

"I'm not," I muttered into her hair. "God you smell good."

"It's Alice's shampoo. You don't recognize it?"

"She never smelled this good..." I buried myself deeper into the blanket and Bella.

"I have no right to complain, but my toes are frozen!"

"We'll take care of that." I reached forward and pulled her boots off, kicking my own shoes to the floor at the same time. I tucked my feet under myself and rubbed hers between my own frozen hands. "That's probably not helping is it?"

"They're still cold but it feels so damn good." She had her head back and her eyes closed. A smile on her rosy face.

I wanted to kiss her throat...instead I reached across for my pillows and piled them to lean against, pulling Bella into my side. Her arm draped across my chest as I hugged her. "Let me know when you're warmed up enough. We'll call Alice."

"No rush Cullen," she said sleepily. "This is nice...are you in a hurry?"

"Not at all," I replied softly, tracing lazy circles on her back.

"Mmm...I could fall asleep like this..."

"You can. If you want."

"Mmm...forever?"

Snickering, I brushed my lips across her hair. "Sure. We'll have a roommate after tonight though."

"After?" she popped her head up in surprise. I opened Jasper's text to show her.

"You don't have to stay Bella. I'll take you home whenever you want."

"I know," she smiled and snuggled back in, her forehead pressed against my cheek. Her slender fingers ran in and out of my shirt pocket, causing my right nipple to harden. "Edward?"

"Hmm?" I felt drunk again. On Bella now, not beer.

"Why won't you sing your own songs?"

I frowned as I thought of how I'd answer that. I just didn't. Ever. "I dunno Bella. It just seems really personal, you know? Like I'd be standing up there fully exposed."

"You don't feel that way when you hear Ty sing your words?"

I shook my head. "It's different then. I don't know how to explain it. It's just their song at that point. Not me. Naked."

I felt her cheek lift in a smile. "You said you'd let me read your poetry..."

"You can. You just can't read it in front of me. I'll give you one of my books to take home."

"So I picture you naked in my own room instead of here with you?"

I blushed so deeply, I'm sure she felt the heat coming off me on her cheek. "You wouldn't want to do that here or there," I mumbled.

"Why not?" She tilted her head up to look at me.

"'Cause it's nothing spectacular. Not like you."

She bit her lip with a small grin derived from my uncensored comment. "You're not objective Edward. So until I judge that for myself, no more putting yourself down."

Christ. If I wasn't aroused enough just by her nearness, that comment did me in. "Uh Bella? Can you let me up for a sec?" She sat up instantly, blushing. "Sorry...too much fluid intake. Be right back." I dashed for the bathroom, letting the water run while I relieved more than my bladder. I didn't need her staring down at my wood. And I was too tempted to be a perv lying there with her. Even inebriated, I was determined not to fuck up.

I went over to my bookshelf when I finished taking care of myself and found an older book of poems. Jaz was using the current one and I didn't want Bella reading last year's. Not yet. Most were dark and confused. She didn't need that insight. "Here. You can take this with you. Bring it back when you're done with it."

She moved to the edge of my bed. "Do you want me to go now?"

"No."

She sat perfectly still, staring at me. "Okay."

"Um...should I put some music on? Or do you just want to go to sleep?"

"Music's good. Not loud though."

I put on KOL's latest, the sound low. "Good?"

"Yeah, it's fine. What's wrong Cullen?"

"Nothing!" I shoved my hands in my pockets and shifted my weight nervously.

She held her hands out to me. "Come back then."

Sitting next to her, I ran my hands through my hair expelling some anxiety. "I'm kinda drunk Bella. You realize that right?"

"You seem okay. Honestly, you should be more relaxed if you're that drunk."

I sighed heavily, wanting so much to just relax. Wanting to not over-think every action, every word. "Do you want anything?" I blurted.

"Yeah. You from ten minutes ago."

"I meant a drink or something."

"I know. No thanks. Maybe I should call Alice now. You're not so into this..."

"Bella...stay. Please?" I pleaded softly. I pulled myself back on my bed, as I was ten minutes earlier and hoped she'd follow. She didn't. She sat opposite me, leaning on an arm over my outstretched legs, staring at my chest. "I wish I hadn't drank so much tonight."

"Would you have sang otherwise?"

"Not a chance," I scoffed.

"Then it's good that you drank too much. I'm really really glad that I got to see that side of you Edward."

I swallowed hard, hoping that she wouldn't comment on my performance and at the same time craving her words of praise. "I don't want to show you yet another side though..."

She cocked her head and finally looked up. "What would that be?"

"The asshole side who doesn't know limits and makes stupid choices."

She smiled softly. "Like what?"

I laughed nervously. "Like things that would get me slapped by you. Or worse, shot by your dad. He's a cop right? He's got guns?"

"Oh yeah. He's one scary dude. An excellent shot however, so you wouldn't suffer at all."

I gulped, not knowing if she was serious.

"God Cullen! You're adorable!" she laughed at my stunned expression and messed my hair more than it was already.

"You're perfect," I replied, no hint of laughter. It was her turn to be stunned. "In every way," I continued. "I don't want to be stupid with you. Don't... Bella, don't let me be stupid okay? Please?"

The hand she'd used to mess my hair was then on my cheek, then sliding lower, to my chest. And then she was pressed against me, her head tucked under my chin and arms around me. She had to hear my heart racing.

"Bella..." I started to protest.

"Shhh. Edward, don't be stupid," she whispered.

"At least let me shower...try to sober up a bit more?"

"Really? You want to do that now?"

I nodded.

She shrugged and sat up.

"You can go through my closet. Find something to sleep in so you're more comfortable at least." I locked myself in the bathroom and had a mini breakdown. This would so end up as lyrics some day. My own stupidity never failed to amaze me. Stellar job this time Cullen.


	12. Chapter 12

**_Once again, thanks to SM and Jack White._**

**Chapter 12**

Fully expecting Bella to have fallen asleep by the time I finished, I was surprised to find her sitting up in my bed. She slapped my poetry book shut and laid it aside.

"Feeling better?" she smiled.

"Um...yeah. Bella you could've taken a clean shirt. I do have some." She was wearing my Misfits t-shirt that I'd worn the day before.

"Why dirty another? This is great. Smells like you."

I sat across the bed and pulled her feet onto my lap. "My hands are warmer now. I can finish," I grinned, resuming her foot rub. "I'm sorry I've been so contrite. And leaving you alone so long... I'm a horrible host."

"Talk to me Edward. What's going on in that head of yours?"

The soft concern in her voice, the sincerity in her eyes...I felt like spilling everything. I'd have no need to have a creative release, I'd just tell Bella all my thoughts. Everything. Well Bella, I'm lonely. No, that's not even it...I have friends. I'm not alone. Also, I have a semi. Apparently, contact with your feet through your socks even turns me on. Anyway, so I'm not alone, but I have this intense fear that I...

"Edward? Are you there?" Bella removed her feet and kneeled beside me. Oh god...she didn't have pants on...and her hand was on my arm, gently rubbing, stroking... "Cullen?"

"Mmm..." Christ. I was gonna have to go wank again. This was a bad idea. I could hear Emmett's laughter in my head. His voice, _'See dude, this is why you have to whack so much. A fuckable chick is there. RIGHT there. And your hand'll be on your own dick instead of in her pussy. Dickwad.'_

"Edward, you're freaking me out. Say something!"

"I want to kiss you," I blurted.

"Okay. Now? Or after another shower or breakfast. Maybe after exams? Grad?"

"I'm capable of waiting but I'd rather not." I stared intently, with a smirk on my face, leaving her to guess if I was joking or not. She was so close I only had to turn my head to press my lips on her. I did so. Kissing her forehead, I saw Bella close her eyes. I tilted my head and kissed one cheek, then the other. Her eyes opened to return my gaze when my fingers stroked her cheek and trailed down her neck. Her lips were slightly parted and a tiny moan escaped when our lips connected. It was soft and gentle. Our foreheads were pressed together when the kiss ended, both of us breathing heavily into the other's mouth, we were still so near. I let my bottom lip trail along hers before sucking it into my mouth. Her hands found my hair and all fingers wound and tugged and urged my head forward. She was into this. Fuck, she was really into this! My dick started twitching like mad when I felt the smooth metal ball in her tongue sliding across mine and I grabbed her ass to draw her closer. One of her hands released my hair and she slid it up under my shirt. Her breathing was fast and hard as she pressed against me, her tongue exploring every inch of my mouth.

She broke us apart abruptly, pressing both hands against my chest. "I have to use the bathroom. I won't take an hour like you," she smirked. "I'll be right back so don't go anywhere." She kissed my lips once more, very softly. "Don't. Go. Anywhere."

"Where would I go?" I whispered, drawing a lock of her long hair through my fingers.

She was back quickly. I barely had time to adjust my hard-on into a more comfortable and less obvious position. Though I don't know how she'd expect me to not have one. I should leave it front and centre and let her see how she affected me. Shifting it back, the door opened. The waistband of my sweatpants snapped loudly as I pulled my hand out. She was blushing but grinning when she rejoined me. Crawling across the bed with her grin, she was still on all fours when her lips found mine again. After a teaser kiss, her tongue trailed over my lips and down my throat. Her hands lifted my shirt and she pulled it over my head and onto the floor. Sitting back on her bent legs, her hands and eyes took in my torso. She appeared to be memorizing every part of it. When she was done, she placed her hands on my shoulders and lifted a leg, straddling my legs. Then her hands returned to my chest, running from the shoulders down to my navel. "So beautiful," she murmured. "So perfect."

Rendered speechless, I just stared at her like she was the first girl I'd ever had kiss me.

"You're shivering," she whispered. "Are you cold?"

I shook my head, still staring like an idiot.

"Okay Cullen. Are you not speaking to me?"

"I...uh...well the wall is cold." Seriously Cullen? Complaining about the wall when you've got an incredibly hot girl sitting on you?

Bella's brow furrowed. "Are we back to being contrite?"

"Sorry... I'm nervous if you can't tell."

"Why?" Bella asked softly. "Oh...I'm being too..."

"You're not too anything Bella. It's me. This is me fucking up 'cause it's what I seem to do best."

Sighing, she kissed my cheek as she climbed off me. "You were doing so well. I shouldn't have taken a bathroom break."

"Sorry..."

"Cullen...stop apologizing! Look, I don't normally go around sitting on guys in my underwear and their shirt...I'm really throwing myself out here. 'Cause I didn't think you'd ever make the first move so here I am and you're apologizing and I'm feeling like the biggest slut molesting you or something. .."

"No! Bella, no..." I turned to face her directly, cupping her chin in my hand. "Bella... God I'm blowing this in a colossal way. I..." I let out a sigh as I ran both hands through my still damp hair. "We should talk I guess."

"Oh." Bella bit down on her lip. "It's that bad huh?"

I reached for the pillows for us to lean on and pulled the blankets over our legs. "Come on Bella. You should know me well enough by now to know that I'm an idiot. I constantly do the wrong thing..."

"Not constantly..."

"It's unintentional, I swear. I get confused easily."

"What's confusing you Cullen?" she asked softly. Her hand started to reach for mine, but she changed her mind.

"Bella, have you listened to _Icky Thump_? The whole album, I mean?"

"Edward, seriously... _Icky Thump_? We're gonna talk about Icky fuckin' Thump right now? You're obsessed."

Shit! "I know. It's an issue... Stay with me for a sec though. I do have a reason for bringing it up now. There's a song...it's kinda like...no it's pretty much exactly how I feel when I'm with you like this. Jack White is better at expressing my emotions than I am."

She gave me an apologetic smile and traced her finger up my arm. "Which song?"

"_'Martyr'_...know it?"

She shook her head. "Sorry. I've listened to all of it but I can't say I know that one. Should I put it on?"

"No!" I snapped as she reached for the iPod station. "Listen later. If you want. I'll feel like more of an idiot..."

"You're not an idiot!

I smirked, looking down at her hand as I took it in mine. "Bella, a moment ago you were straddling me. Before that, I had your tongue doing wonderful things... now... we're talking. And not even well since I can't communicate effectively in live situations. I could write you a ten page letter and you might understand..."

"Do that. I want to understand."

I smiled shyly and shook my head.

"In the meantime, I'll listen more closely to your valued _Icky Thump_," she smirked. "I think I'm missing out."

"Forget it. It'll probably seem really stupid... Listen to the rest. Skip that song. I shouldn't have even brought it up. It's a sickness." I rolled my eyes at my own idiocy and brought her hand up to my lips. "Sorry for ruining this for you."

"Give me the absolute truth Edward...would you rather I go home now? I won't be offended."

"I'd rather go back an hour or two..." I brushed my finger along her jawline. "I want you to stay. I can use Jasper's bed, you can have mine." She gave me the saddest grin as I piled the pillows back at the head of my bed and stood to let her lie down. I knelt at the side of the bed and rubbed her head, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. "You should know how special you are to me Bella. I'm so glad you're in my life." I kissed her lips softly and started to rise.

She held tightly onto my hand. "Please stay here. With me."

I lowered myself again and kissed the back of her hand. "The least I can do."

"Up here silly." She slid over and held the blankets up for me to crawl in next to her. "I won't bite," she grinned.

"What if I do?" I grinned back as I laid next to her.

"Hmm... tease..."

I wrapped an arm around her and she nestled into my chest, her hot breath on my bare skin. She was asleep long before me or my dick. It was very pissed off at me at the moment.

We awoke to hushed voices and I was sure I was still on a bizarre dream. One in which I'd slept with Bella. Willing Jasper to get the fuck out of my dream, I got more frustrated when my brother suddenly appeared as well. "Shut the fuck up," I mumbled, pulling my pillow over my head.

"Aw, what's the matter bro? Hangover? Suck it up dude."

"Fuck off Em. I mean it. I didn't sleep..."

"We can see that," he laughed.

My head snapped up. I turned to see Bella looking up at me sheepishly and perfectly still. She was on her side, arm slung across my waist with the blankets kicked off her legs. I pulled the blanket over her hastily and glared at Emmett. He shrugged with his stupid grin in place.

"Sorry guys," Jasper called from across the room. "I waited as long as I could and I couldn't keep this jackass from coming in with me."

"What time is it?" I yawned, scratching at the growth on my chin.

"It's after 1 dude. I needed my stuff for rehearsal."

"Shit! 1?"

"Yeah... So you're skipping this one?"

I glanced at Bella. "Uh, yeah. Sorry. Take my book though. Use what you want. Get Ty to have a look." We'd planned to do some writing. But things had changed. I needed to do some damage repair.

"Sure. If you change your mind...Bella can come too. Ell's there."

I nodded, eyes still on the girl lying next to me.

"Have fun kids!" Emmett cackled.

I flipped him off as he pulled the door closed. "Hi," I whispered to Bella.

"Hi," she grinned before burying her face in my chest. "My mouth tastes like a dumpster. And I don't have my toothbrush!"

I reached into my nightstand and passed her breath strips. "This should help for now." I popped one myself and took a drink of water before passing the bottle to her as well. She sat up and drank, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. I took the same hand and brushed my lips across it. "You okay? Um, I mean, are we okay?"

She nudged me with her bare knee, smiling. "I'm getting used to now Cullen. Your mood swings are fucking frustrating, but I seem to be dealing."

I grinned at her. "Sorry. And you are dealing extremely well." I had a big stretch before attempting to sit up fully. "Hungry?"

"Starving!"

"Come on then. I'll buy you lunch before I take you home."

"You don't have to..."

"I want to Bella. You want the bathroom first?"

She kissed me quickly before taking off. I laid back smiling. This was the first girl I cared about who allowed me to fuck up. This one was worth the inner battle.

_A/N~Confession time - I, too, have an Icky Thump obsession. It's a brilliant album. If you haven't got it, GET IT! It comes highly recommended by Edward.~SR_


	13. Chapter 13

**_All character names property of Stephenie Meyer._**

**Chapter 13**

A week passed, we didn't talk about our second night together. This wasn't as awkward afterwards however. We kept to what had become our routine of meeting each other at work and hanging. The difference, and I have to admit it both frightened me and made me ridiculously happy, was that we'd often hold hands when we walked home. Or embrace when we said goodnight. Bella had even kissed me on a couple of occassions. Not the kind that sent me running for release, but sweet kisses that made my heart flutter. She greeted me with one of those when I arrived at the bookshop the following Tuesday, much later than I usually was.

"I didn't stop for your coffee. Since I'm so late I thought we'd just wait and go after you close up? But I can go get it now if you want me to."

She pulled me by the front of my jacket as I leaned in my usual spot at the end of the counter and with her other hand on the back of my neck gave me a fluttering, tingling sweet kiss.

I smiled when she released me. "Does that mean I'm going now?"

"That means I've missed you. And you look extra handsome today. Did you have a hot date? Should I be jealous?" Bella leaned on her elbows and smiled, our noses almost touching.

"Smoking hot date...with Davis. You should be bored more than jealous," I grinned, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "You look great yourself," I whispered and stole another kiss from her.

"So I read the most beautiful sonnet last night... God, this writer is so deep and completely brilliant, you've got to read him sometime..."

"I don't think I'd be interested..." I smirked. "But I'm glad you're enjoying it."

"New poet or classic?" A customer overheard our conversation and joined in. "I'd love to take your recommendation." I glanced at the books he had in hand... Sci-fi paperback, a biography on Tom Brady and a bathroom reader. Varied interests there but something about him read letch, not poetry lover. He was paying more attention to the vee in Bella's neckline than her face.

"Sorry, it's from a private collection. You might read my friend's work when he's published. Have you found everything else you wanted?" Bella turned the books he'd laid on the counter over to read the prices.

"I've found more than I wanted," he winked. He fucking winked at her!

I cleared my throat and stood to full height. "Bella, are you sure you can wait for your coffee? We could close up for your break when you're done with this one." I stared him down as I spoke to my girl.

"Thanks sweetie, but I'll wait and have it with you later. We'll eat too, yeah?"

"Of course," I smiled with adoration at Bella who'd obviously figured us both out... Winky's mackin' and my stab at claiming my territory. She'd gone with me. I gave Winky a smug grin and wink of my own. He paid and trudged off.

"Cullen you're a bully!" she teased.

"He was a creep. His eyes were everywhere they shouldn't be. Does that happen a lot? Should I be making sure I'm here for your whole shift?"

Blushing, Bella grinned at me. "I didn't know you were the jealous type." Her eyes flashed to the door and her grin widened. "I have more reason to be jealous. Your fans are here."

I turned to see who she meant. Christ. "Are the gigglers here every goddamn day?"

"Only when you are, or should be. It's so cute!" she teased.

I rolled my eyes before taking out my chem text to review tomorrow's chapter.

"Hey before I forget...I brought your shirt back finally. All clean. Sorry I kept it so long."

"You didn't have to wash it..."

"I slept in it all week! Yeah, I had to wash it."

She'd slept in it? I grinned as I read the same sentence for the third time. She had slept in my shirt for a week... I wondered if Jaz could disappear for another night this weekend. Instead of studying, I plotted.

"So what did Davis want?" Bella broke my train of thought.

"He's really pushing for me to take the TA position. Bordering on badgering."

"The what? Cullen...are you kidding me?"

"Didn't I tell you?"

"No! That's so awesome!" She ran around to my side and stood on her toes to wrap her arms around my neck. "You're taking it right?"

"I'm undecided."

"Edward! Do you know how big this is? Davis is highly regarded, not just here, but with the med schools. You'd get into any school you wanted with his backing!"

I stared in shock. "How do you know that? You don't take sciences."

"I uh...researched some schools...Davis' name comes up often in the medical programs. I just wanted to see what your options were..." She looked embarrassed. Almost ashamed.

I took her hand and kissed her fingertips. "Since you're so well informed, you can help me make a decision. We'll talk it out after work okay?"

"Do you have any idea how proud I am of you?" Her arms were back around my neck. As I lowered my head to kiss her, the giggles started.

"Fuck," I muttered under my breath.

Bella just grinned and kissed me anyway. "Why do they bother you so much?" she whispered.

"They stare. Constantly. Makes me uncomfortable. And the giggling..."

"I giggle," she stated.

"Ah yes." I kissed the tip of her nose. "But your giggles are cute. Their's are just annoying."

"You should flirt with them. See how they'd react. I bet they'd run scared."

"You want me to flirt? With them?"

"For laughs. Not seriously."

"Uh, yeah not seriously. They're kids! Can't be more than what? 18?"

Bella slid her arms down my chest and then hugged herself. "Yeah. Right. Hey I'd better let you study." She kept herself busy for the last hour and didn't say anymore to me until we were headed home.

"So what's the deal with Davis, Cullen? I thought you'd jump at this opportunity."

"Mmm. Yeah. I should do it..."

"But...?"

"But... It'll take all my spare time. It'll mean dropping all lit classes. I'd only have time for my required classes. And very little social time."

"I'd still come hang with you," Bella elbowed me in the side.

"That'd be the only time I could see you. Plus, I'd have to intern over the summer so I'd have to forget about the classes I want to take. I was only taking three this year 'cause I actually wanted to take it easy for awhile. Next year will be brutal." She listened as I talked out my reasons for not accepting the position immediately. Now that I had put it out there, I wanted her advice.

"So...what do you think?"

"I dunno Edward. I see your reasons not to. They're valid. But from a med student perspective, it's kinda dumb to turn it down. It won't look good."

"I know," I sighed. "That's why I haven't told my parents yet."

"They'd make you take it right?"

"They wouldn't _make_ me. But they would be disappointed in me."

"Well, I guess it depends then on what you really feel is right. For you. Do you even want to be a doctor? Or is it for your dad?"

"Yeah... I do. I mean, it's because of my dad. I've grown up watching him help people. I want that too. It's just..." I sighed and scratched at my head.

"What Edward?"

"I don't want that to be all I have. My whole life..."

"Once you're established, you could have other interests right?"

I shook my head. "Watching my dad... The longer he's in practice, the more he takes on. My mom is always complaining to me. She says it's like during his residency. 12-15 hour days. It's crazy."

"That's his choice though? He could slow down?"

"I guess. But it's like with this TA thing...he gets offered different projects and if he turns them down, it doesn't look good. So he just does it all. Don't get me wrong...he thrives on it. He loves being involved and helping so many people. But for me? I kinda want a life too."

"Have you ever talked about this with your parents? Do they know how you feel?"

"They think of my writing as a hobby. Just like the band. And piano. And guitar. _'I was born to be a doctor!'_ " I mimicked my parents' frequent statement. "I got a 98 on my creative writing final last year. They raved about the 90 in biology. Didn't even comment on the other 'cause it's a fluff course for me. That's how they see it."

"Jesus! 98? It's my major and I'll be thrilled if I pull off 85. It's not a fluff course!"

"I know...I don't mean to belittle what you do. I shouldn't have said that."

"It's not your thoughts. Don't worry about it. 98... damn!"

"I shouldn't have brought that up either."

"Uh, yeah you should Cullen! That's fucking awesome! You should be proud of yourself. You're capable of that along with a heavy science program? Christ. You should be student of the year."

I couldn't respond. Even if I knew what to say, the lump in my throat would have prevented it from coming out. For some reason, Bella's approval meant more to me than even my parents'. To hear her praise my achievements choked me up.

"Anyway, I'm here to bounce stuff off. I'll listen whenver you want to talk about it. And when you decide, I'll support you." I gave her a shoulder bump and a tight grin 'cause honestly, I was on the verge of tears. All I'd need was for Emmett to show up now. "Hey Edward?" Bella spoke after a few minutes of walking in silence. "I was wondering if I could see that house you were talking about? Is it too late?"

"No! You want to see it? I can arrange that." I looked over at her with a smile. "Does this mean you're staying for the summer?"

She nodded, grinning. "I got offered full-time for the summer. They're willing to work my schedule around any classes I pick up..."

"That's awesome! And your dad is okay with the living arrangements? If you like it, that is...you might not want to live there."

"I haven't told him. I figure it's about time for me to make my own choices. And he can deal with what I decide whether he likes it or not."

"Oh. Sounds like defiance to me. Yes?"

She chuckled. "A bit, yeah." But she offered no more and I didn't pry.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?" I felt like I was walking on a cloud. She was staying, and maybe even living with me.

"Um...how old are you?"

"21. Why?"

"How old do you think I am?"

"I hadn't thought of it," I replied honestly. "I dunno, younger because you're a year behind me."

"I'm 19."

"Okay."

"That doesn't freak you out?"

I gave her a confused look.

"Well, you weren't interested in your groupies 'cause you figure they're a year younger than me. A year makes that much difference?"

"You're legal," I smirked. She didn't smile back. "More importantly, I'm not interested in those girls regardless of their age. I like girls to be a little more coherent. And creative. And thoughtful." I stopped in front of her dorm and turned her to face me. "I'm only interested in one girl, in fact."

"Is that right?" she whispered.

"That's the truth. Bella..."

"Hey guys!" Alice chirped, running up from the opposite side of the building. "I hardly see you these days! We should do a club hop this weekend. Yeah?"

"Maybe... I dunno..." I replied, eyes still glued to Bella.

"I have to apartment hunt this weekend," Bella responded. "I don't know if I'll have time."

"Fine!" she emoted. "Well let me know...if not then I'm making plans with Em. He asked if I wanted to go home with him for the weekend. How come you're not going Edward?"

I shrugged. "I didn't know he was. This is the first I've heard of it."

"Huh. Well I'll see you inside Bella. 'Night Edward." She stood on her toes and kissed my cheek for the first time in a year.

Bella looked at the ground until she was inside. "You okay?"

"Perfect."

"I can tell her not to do that if you want. If you feel awkward..."

"I felt nothing. Honestly."

She looked up with the slighest grin. "I'm gonna encourage her to go with Emmett. You okay with that?"

"Fine. I don't want to do the club thing anyway," I grinned.

"Great. So I'll see you tomorrow?"

"You bet." I stroked her hair as I leaned in to kiss her head. "Have a good sleep Bella. Don't stay up reading too late."

She smacked my chest and kissed my chin. "See you Cullen." She turned back as she let herself in the dorm. "Hey, I'm still waiting for that letter! No pressure..." I grinned as she waved through the door.

_A/N~Weekend of fun coming up for our fave couple. Stay tuned... ~SR_


	14. Chapter 14

**_You know the drill - it's all because of Stephenie. Credit where credit is due. _**

**Chapter 14**

"We can go tomorrow or Sunday, whichever's best for you. I just have to let Laurent know." I informed Bella of her house viewing options when I went to meet her at work on Friday.

"Let's go Sunday then. I've got a bunch of things to do tomorrow."

I nodded, a bit disappointed, as I texted Laurent. I'd hoped to spend both days with her but I was out of luck. "Want to go for a drink after work? Everyone's at the pub tonight."

Yawning, Bella finished the display she was working on. "I dunno Cullen. I'm exhausted. You go though. I can get myself home." She flashed me a tired grin. "Just don't start texting me when you get drunk."

Sadly, this wasn't an invalid request. I had made an ass of myself doing just that weeks earlier. "No promises..." I smirked. "I should just go home myself."

"Edward, when was the last time you went out with your friends?"

"The last time I drunk texted you. See a pattern?"

"I'm taking up too much of your time. Don't get me wrong, I like you being around...but not at the expense of you ignoring your friends."

"When was the last time you went out with friends?" I turned it back on her.

"Um...when did we go out last? Wednesday? You're it for me Cullen. I just cling to you and your friends."

"You've got Alice..."

"Not these days. She's totally wrapped up in Emmett. That's kinda what's making me think about you. I'm doing the same thing. Your friends will resent me."

"They love you Bella!" I protested.

She smiled as she kissed my chin. "Totally mutual. But you need to spend some time without me monopolizing you. Go out. Have fun."

"I'm crowding you..."

"Edward!" she laughed softly. "This is about you, not me. I'd..." She bit down on her lip as she cut herself off. "You should go have some fun."

How the fuck would I have fun when I just got the brush-off? I could take a hint though. We said goodnight and I went to join my friends. They happily pulled up a chair for me and I tried not to wallow. A few shots and a beer later, I was feeling pretty good.

"Hey man, you know those chicks?" Jared motioned to a group of girls at the bar. "They've been staring since you got here."

"Jesus. Yeah I've seen a couple of them around." My fan club, as Bella called them, were here. Maybe they weren't as young as I'd thought.

Jared grinned wickedly, slapping my back. "Take your pick man. They're ripe and ready!"

I shook my head as I finished off my pint. "Not interested."

"Dude! What the fuck is wrong with you? When's the last time you got laid?"

"Christ Jared, you sound like my brother!"

"Yeah well he's getting laid regularly and irregularly from what I hear, if you get me..."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Don't wanna know thank you!"

"Hey, you're not still into Alice are you?"

"Not even in the slightest. Still don't want to know about my brother's conquests. Alice is and always was, just a friend. Want another?" I picked up my glass and his to go get refills.

So anxious to avoid the mental image of Emmett fucking Alice in any way, I ended up lining myself up for disaster. I was next to the gigglers waiting on the bartender. I smiled politely and nodded.

"Hi! Your girlfriend's working?"

"She's gone home now. Boys' night." I didn't bother correcting them.

"Your friends are cute!" the shorter of the two gushed.

"Yeah. They're adorable. Two draughts please." I ordered as soon as I caught the barman's attention.

"So, I'm Tanya," the tall strawberry blond held out her hand. "This is Kate. We see you all the time, it's about time we knew each other's names."

"Cool. Good to know."

"It's Edward right?"

I bit my cheek to stifle the groan that threatened to come out. "Yeah. That's right. You should get your order in if that's what you're waiting here for. This place will only get busier." I grabbed my pints after paying and excused myself. Settling back into my seat and starting up a conversation with Sam, I caught sight of Jared approaching with Tanya and her gaggle.

"This table needed beautifying. These ladies can do that and more...make room!"

Sam and I exchanged looks as we shoved our chairs as far over as possible. "I'm gonna kill him if Ell gives me shit for this!"

"I'll back you. You had nothing to do with them. You and I had a few together and we left. End of story."

"Sounds good to me!" He scooped up Jared's beer and toasted us and our plan.

"I guess Jess is out?" I commented to Sam awhile later when the short one sat herself on Jared's lap and they proceeded to make out.

"Man, you've been out of the loop! He tossed her weeks ago. Good riddance, I say."

I nodded. Bella was right. I had been neglecting my other friendships. Problem was when I wasn't with her, she was all I could think of. Right then I wondered if she got in okay. I started to text her and then remembered her warning not to drunk text. I slid my phone into my jeans pocket so I wouldn't be tempted. Was she asleep yet? Maybe I'd go by and check on her...

"E? Are you interested?"

"Sorry, what?" I snapped out of my private revelry and gave Sam my attention.

"I said, Ell and I are going to see Bill Maher. You and Bella want to come?"

"Uh, yeah! Sounds great. I'll ask her about it. Um, I should go..."

Tanya had wedged herself between me and Jasper and her hand kept grazing my thigh. This couldn't lead to anything good.

"Yeah, I'm out too. Jaz? We're bailing. You coming or staying?" Sam was more like a big brother to us than my real one. He'd noticed Tanya getting bolder as well.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm with you." He stood abruptly, knocking Tanya fully onto my lap. With a drunken giggle, she apologized but didn't let go of the hold she had around my neck.

I grinned awkwardly and removed her arms to attempt standing myself. Not taking the hint, I ended up dropping her and then, being a pussy, felt bad, so I lifted her off the floor ending up in another embrace. "Uh, sorry about that. Lots of room now, we've gotta go. Make sure you take a taxi home tonight. Wouldn't want you to get into trouble." She grinned stupidly at me as I set her down on my chair. "Jared? Take it easy man. Call me. Later Ty. Goodnight girls. Nice meeting you."

Sam pulled me away like the good guy he is and we had lots of drunken laughs as the three of us headed home. I passed out without even undressing.

* * *

A very nice vibration woke me from a solid slumber. I put off digging my phone from my front pocket 'cause it was hitting a really good spot...Groaning, I pulled it out and answered while I freed my harder than normal morning hard-on. "'lo," I croaked.

"Cullen... I woke you. Sorry! Go back to sleep. Call me later."

"Bella?" I sat up, giving my dick a few quick strokes to let it know it wasn't forgotten. "No, it's okay. What's up?" Aside from my dick, that is. God it was uncomfortably stiff. Glancing at Jasper's side of the room, I saw he'd gone out already so I pulled it out entirely so I could get a good grip.

"Did you have fun last night?"

Tugging away, I tried to control my voice. "Yeah. Yeah it was good. You were right."

"Are you busy later?"

Later? I dunno. I'm pretty busy now. I stroked a little faster to try to ease the building pressure. "Um...I could make time. What do you need?"

"Are you okay? You sound out of breath."

I stopped wanking. God Cullen. How pathetic. "Yeah, I'm good. Charlie horse..." I lied.

"Ohhh I hate those! Put ice on it. That'll help."

Any part of you would help more... "Thanks. I'll try that."

"I was wondering if you wanted to hang later."

"Sure. When and where?"

"My room? Six-ish? I'll do dinner."

Her room? Dinner? My hand returned to my twitching wood. "Sounds great. I'll bring wine? Red or white?"

"Um... Let's do white."

"Perfect. Anything else?"

"No...Edward are you alright, really?"

"Yeah yeah. I've gotta get this cramp out. I'll see you at 6?"

We said goodbye as I fired off round one. Two immediately followed and three livened up my shower.

* * *

I arrived at Bella's door, breathless, at 6:20. She smiled warmly as she opened the door for me.

"Sorry I'm late. I left the wine at the lab earlier. I had to run back for it." I had planned everything out. I'd picked up the wine on the way to meet with Davis so I could have it chilling in his fridge while he went over the TA expectations. Leaving there, I'd stopped to get dessert, chocolate cheesecake then dashed home for another quick shower and change of clothes. I wanted to dress a little nicer for Bella than I had for Davis. It was when I retrieved the cake from my mini fridge that I'd realized the wine never made it home with me. The extra stress and running rendered my shower pointless.

Bella gave a sympathetic pat as she pulled off my jacket and hung it over hers on the back of the door. "Can you open it? I'll get some glasses. Hungry?"

"Starving! I had a bagel after you called, that's it." I worked on the cork while she brought two glasses over.

"Good. I went a little overboard so you have to eat lots. Hey, can you put some music on? I'll get this warming up." She pulled a casserole dish out of her fridge as well as a tossed salad.

I poured our wine then turned on Bella's stereo. Oh. Christ no..._Icky Thump _blasted out. "I swear to god Bella, I didn't do that on purpose! I realize I have a problem with this...I swear I haven't even listened to it since you pointed it out..."

"Really?" she grinned as she put down two small salad bowls. "Hmm. And I haven't listened to anything but since that day. It really is a great album." She wrapped her arms around my neck as she smiled up at me.

Grinning back, I held onto her waist. "Enabler," I teased.

She stood on her toes to reach my lips, placing a very soft but lingering kiss on them. "We can start with the salad while the chicken's heating."

"Sounds good." I let go of her waist reluctantly and held a chair out for her to sit. "I hope you like the wine. I didn't know what we were having but the lady serving me said this went well with everything. That might mean it sucks."

Taking a sip, she nodded her approval and toasted my selection. I took a moment to take a good look at Bella. She was smiling and relaxed. She wore no make-up and had her hair pulled back but she looked more beautiful to me than the models on magazine covers. I'd noticed her skinny jeans first thing and now I saw she had removed her hoodie and had on a double layer tanks. A clingy while one and a faded sapphire blue that hung lower on top. The colour complimented her skintone perfectly. "Aren't you eating?"

"Uh...yeah..." I practically inhaled my salad before Bella served me the main course, chicken parmigiana. "Holy fuck this is good!" I exclaimed between bites. "Where did you get this from? It's my new favourite place to eat..."

"Uh, actually, I made it," she replied shyly.

I stopped my fork midway to my mouth. "You made this? How? Microwave?"

Looking down, she chuckled. "No. Victoria let me use her kitchen. I spent all morning there."

"Jesus Bella. I thought you'd be picking up Chinese or something. This was a lot of work!"

She shrugged. "I don't mind. I miss cooking and I wanted to do something different for you."

I went and knelt in front of her chair, taking her face in my hands. "You're awesome Bella. This is so delicious and I plan on eating until I explode." I kissed her in a similar way to her kiss earlier only I finished by running the tip of my tongue along her bottom lip. "Mmm. Delicious."

She pulled me up with a giggle. "Eat! There is sooo much."

I stuffed myself at her request and my own desire and then excused myself to use the bathroom. She had cleared the plates while I was gone and sat reading on the bed. "Bella," I said quietly, taking a seat next to her. "We need to talk."

"Okay." She put her book down and stared earnestly at me.

"Your bathroom has issues."

She broke into laughter. "I meant to tell you after I saw yours, you were right about keeping a clean bathroom. Dude! Yours is seriously clean!"

"Like I said. And yours has some health concerns. Your toothbrush is much too close to the toilet Bella. Do you know how much bacteria is living on those bristles?" I shuddered. "And you need to replace the caulking on the tub. There are mold spores. Very unhealthy. Do you have any bleach?" She nodded looking bemused. "That'll help until it's replaced. Pour it over the spores and let it sit. Then scrub it away. Use that toothbrush 'cause I'm coming to get you early tomorrow so we can go buy you a new one. I'd go get you one now but everything's closed."

"This is really cute Cullen," she laughed.

"It's only cute until you get sick," I smirked. "Bella, seriously...you need to be careful, especially with your piercing." Blushing, she looked down at her lap. I could see her tongue moving around in her mouth, playing with the little ball. I suddenly felt like a father scolding a child. Wrong impression to make. " I'm just concerned..."

" Thanks. I know. Um, do you want to wait for dessert?"

"I have to!" I rubbed my full belly and flopped back across her bed. "I am soooo full," I moaned. She shimmied herself back so she sat at my side. Leaning on one arm, she placed the other next to mine on my belly. "We should go for a walk," I suggested, sitting up abruptly so I could make the necessary adjustments down below. One touch and I'm full mast? Ridiculous lack of control. Or I'd passed the amount of time my dick allowed me to go without. It had been a long time. Too long. Just as Bella went to turn the music off, the stupid song I'd brought up the night she stayed with me came on. If I thought I'd get off easy with leaving now, I was wrong.

"Yeah let's walk Cullen. There's something I want to talk about too." Opting for privacy, we headed off campus walking with no destination in mind. "Edward... I need you to explain how you connect to _'Martyr For My Love'_. Do you think I'm too young? Please be honest."

Sighing, I stuffed my hands deep in my pockets. "I knew I wouldn't get off easy on this. You're not too young. The problem is how I react to you. One kiss and it's like I'm 17. All nervous and awkward and I blurt out stupidity like Jack White's lyrics portray my life...it's dumb. But I can't seem to not be juvenile. It's kinda scary 'cause I'm wondering if I'll ever be an adult in those situations. Or maybe it is you," I teased as I bumped her with my elbow.

"Yeah. It's totally me. I have that effect on men." She batted her lashes. "They turn to jelly. Why should you be any different?"

"So you're used to babbling idiots then? Good!" I hesitated before getting further into this. "I wish I were more like Emmett."

"Why? The Alice thing?"

"No...the ability to get the girl thing. It's effortless for him. He gets everyone he wants. It's ridiculous."

"Not everyone. He just doesn't tell you about refusals."

"Seriously Bella. Everyone. You don't know. _No one _says no to him."

"Not true. I said no."

I stopped dead in my tracks. "Hold up. What did you say?" This couldn't be happening...Emmett didn't know about Alice but he did know I had feelings for Bella. He could get practically any girl. Why Bella?

"It was before we met. Before he met Alice even. Nothing ever happened Edward. I was never interested. I turned him down flat out. So you see, some are capable of resisting his charms." Bella elbowed me in the ribs.

"Can I ask you something?" I said softly.

"What does Alice see in him?"

"No. I honestly don't care. I'm more interested in what you didn't see in him."

"I dunno. He's too polished, I think. I like him. He's fun to hang out with and he's good to Alice. I'm just not into guys who think they're perfect y'know?"

"You like 'em flawed," I chuckled.

"I do," she laughed. "That's one of my issues."

"Well shit. You must love me then. I'm full of flaws!" I smirked.

"Cullen...get a clue would you?" she laughed. "Let's get some coffee to take back with us."


	15. Chapter 15

**_Daily acknowledgement to the great SM for her brilliant and fun characters._**

**Chapter 15**

"Have you ever seen _'Wilde'_?" I called over to Bella. We stopped in to rent a movie. The new releases didn't have much to offer so we were checking out older ones.

"Yeah. They focused too much on his sex life. Who cares who he slept with? He's a brilliant writer."

"Agreed...oh! _'Rebel Without A Cause'_! I love this movie!"

"Me too! Wanna get it?"

We started watching while we had our coffee and dessert and then cuddled up to finish it. Afterwards, we tried to find something to watch on tv. I didn't want to go home yet. We found a show about teenaged vampires that was good for a few laughs. "This is really lame," I groaned when it went to commercial.

"So...what do you want to do?" Bella was tracing little circles on my belly ruining my concerted effort to not embarrass myself with a hard-on from every contact with her.

"It's getting late..."

"Are you 80 Cullen? It's not even midnight!"

I chuckled and kissed the top of her head. "My tendency for stupidity increases after midnight. I should go by then."

"You're not staying?" her head snapped up.

"Was I supposed to?"

"That was the idea...Alice is gone for the weekend...we could have a quiet night in...you could stay over..."

"Oh. I missed that last part I guess."

"You don't have to..."

"I didn't bring anything with me... Got any clothes I could fit into?" I joked.

"You'd look really silly though. Oscar would like you... a lot!"

"Too bad I'm not so into dead guys."

"So what are you into?"

"Hmm. Let's see... Oh! I've recently developed a thing for tongue piercings..."

"You don't say... Who's got one of those?"

"I thought you did. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I should check it out."

"Maybe you should."

I leaned down to kiss her but as I got close, she stuck her tongue out. "Thee it?" she lisped around her protruding tongue.

"Ah yes. There it is. I wasn't mistaken after all."

"It looks okay? Despite all the toilet bacteria?" she teased.

"Oddly, it does."

"Does that totally gross you out?"

"The piercing? It's hot!"

"The toothbrush thing you idiot!"

"Oh. I can get past it...I think."

"The piercing is hot?"

"Totally."

She smiled up at me and I took the opportunity to try for a kiss again. She parted her lips for me to explore her piercing with my tongue and I moaned softly as I did. "Totally hot Bella," I whispered when I stopped for a breath.

"You know what feels good...apparently..."

"Yeah. I do. That in my mouth. Or on my lip..." I went for another. "Mmm...told you."

"If you like that..." she sat up and pulled my t-shirt up. She bit her lip as she looked at my torso, then into my eyes. "See if you like this." She circled her tongue around a nipple and I inhaled sharply.

"Jesus!"

"Told you..." she smirked.

"Fuck! I should get one and see if it's good for you."

"You don't need one." She licked my other nipple before returning to my mouth, sucking in my bottom lip.

"Shit... Bella..." I moaned.

"Want me to stop?"

"No..." I took her lip into my mouth, nibbling and sucking alternately. She moaned in response. "Hey if you like that..." I smirked.

"Uh-huh?"

I slid my hand tentatively under the edge of her shirt. She lifted her body so I could pull it up. I think my dick saw her before I did because it was twitching madly before I even set sight on her bra-covered boobs. My lips returned to hers as I cupped one breast and kneaded it gently. Her kiss deepened in return. My fingers slid inside her bra to tease a nipple and she lifted her body to meet my hand, moaning into my open mouth. I could've continued on for hours just like this but a desire to taste her flesh overcame me.

"Oh god..." Bella moaned as my tongue flicked over her taut nipple and continued down to the fleshy underside of her breast. It was impossible to get at with her bra in the way. As if reading my mind, she reached in between the mounds and unlatched it. Perky, perfect boobs sprung forth which I went at two-handed before sucking one into my mouth, then the next. Her fingers wove through my hair, holding my head to her while her hips shifted to meet with mine. "God... Edward..."

I grabbed a handful of ass and returned to her lips which kissed me back hungrily. "Bella... I need a minute..." I gasped for breath, ready to explode.

"How's the leg?"

"Huh?"

"The charlie horse...which leg was it? They usually make the muscle sore later on."

"Oh. Right. Uh..."

"So which one? I'll give you a massage."

"Um..." Why couldn't I lie? Bella stared at me, waiting for a reply. "It's fine now."

"You know you're a horrible liar."

So that's why I didn't just lie.

"There was no cramp was there?"

"Um...well no..."

"So what were you doing?"

Should I attempt another lie? What's the point... "Uh, well I..."

"Oh my god! You were... you weren't alone were you?"

"Yes! I was!" I slapped my forehead in disbelief that I could get caught masturbating after the fact. That was still better than her thinking I'd slept with someone. "Completely alone..." I made an awkward face to let her know I wasn't about to say it.

Smart girl that she is, she got it. "Oh jeez! Cullen!" She buried her face in my chest.

"What? I'm a guy. That's what guys do. Especially lonely ones who haven't been with anyone for a long time." This was ridiculous. Should anyone have to explain masturbation? Yet I went on. "A very long time. It's not like I planned it. And I didn't know you were gonna call... You did wake me up and it was there..."

Her shoulders shook all the while I babbled about my morning wank. This was a new fuck up. Just when I thought I had everything covered regarding new ones, here we are. Was I gonna have to give up my hand jobs? Could I?

"Bella... Is it really that problematic?"

She finally faced me, beet red, biting her lip.

"I mean, don't you ever..."

She couldn't contain her laughter and I realized she'd been trying to hold it in the whole time. She wasn't upset. She was amused.

"Jeez, thanks for making me go through all that. Got your laugh in?"

"Sorry." She bit her lip again. "I really am." She gave me a soft kiss. "Forgive me?"

"I dunno," I played hard to get. "That's a really personal thing and now I feel like an ass. A pathetic one at that."

"How can I make it better?" She lifted herself up and sat on me, straddling my waist. "What can I do? Should I call you?" she teased.

"Funny. Um... right now, lift for a sec?" I pulled my knob out of the way. She had sat squarely on the head and it was too volatile for that at the moment. "Okay, that's better." I sat her back down where I wanted her. Her eyes widened as she felt the bulge and I gave a smug grin.

"So this is how I make it better?" she asked in a sultry voice, her hips rocking gently.

I lifted her off immediately. "Very nice. Really. But I've had enough embarrassment for one night." I set her back down just above the danger zone. "What you can do is relate how you spend special time with yourself."

The grin vanished from her face. "You want...what exactly?"

"Tell me how you get yourself off. Doesn't have to be right now. You could do it while we're on the phone sometime. Or text me the details if you're too shy." I smirked at the thought. "No texting is out. Your hands would be busy. Better yet, show me."

She sat up straight, hands on her hips. The shift in positions put the end of my dick between her ass cheeks. I sucked in air and held back a groan. Fuck! "All this because you get off on one-sided phone sex?"

"All this because you're teasing me about a natural part of human behaviour," I corrected. "And it wasn't phone sex. I was multi-tasking."

"Ah. I see." Eventually, she cracked a grin and leaned forward to give me a make-up kiss on the chin. "So tell me Cullen, did you...you know...while we were still on the phone?"

"No! I'm not a pervert..." I laughed. "I was just really horny."

"So I didn't get you off?"

"You didn't really try. I'm quite certain you could."

"With some effort," she giggled as she laid beside me, one leg still across my waist.

"With very little effort actually," I laughed and kissed her forehead. "If you just moved your leg a few times, I'd pretty much be done."

"Why did you pull me off then?"

"Bella! Shit, I just confessed to jacking off while I talked to you and now you want me to come in my pants in front of you? With no change of clothes? Leave me with some dignity."

"You're so much fun Cullen. I love this." Bella smiled so sincerely I couldn't be angry with her. "You'll stay tonight right?"

"You think that's a good idea? I mean, you're about to decide if we're going to be roommates. Maybe you should make that choice without any interference."

"We're not gonna do it, if that's what you're thinking..."

"Oh, uh...no. No! I didn't mean... We couldn't anyway. I didn't come prepared." _Did you hear that down there? No sex. You're not getting any so relax._ It ignored me.

"Oh that wouldn't be an issue. I've got condoms."

"Oh." _Told you_, my dick twitched. WTF? Did she plan on us having sex and I ruined it? Or is she teasing me again?

"I don't think we should rush things. That's all."

"Stick with the phone then?" I teased.

"Yeah, for now," she grinned. "I'm gonna go get ready for bed. I'd really like it if you stayed tonight Edward."

I'd like to say I had a great night. That we broke down and boinked for the first time. That we had wild sex on every surface in the room after the initial fuck. In reality, Bella teased the shit out of my dick and it was so fucking stiff and painful all night that I couldn't sleep. It took all my resistance to not dry hump her when she fell asleep. She'd even ruined any chance of giving myself a hand job because she was laying across my chest. Relief came only after she'd awoken, teased me about said hard-on and went to take a shower. I imagined her fingering herself in there under the water stream. I came in a matter of seconds. Wonder if she had as well? I took my turn after her and redressed in the same clothes since I had no other option. Then we headed out for food and supplies for her bathroom.

We waited for Laurent on the front step since we arrived early. We commented on all the people we saw pass by, critiqued the neighbours' landscaping and window coverings and discussed who would handle what chores. The laughs came as easily as the words and it felt very right being there together. Once Laurent arrived, he let us in to the main level apartment. The current occupants we out so we had a good look around.

"The large bedroom with the ensuite would be for Jasper and Rosalie," I explained as we toured the apartment beginning in the kitchen. "That's downstairs, along with the common room."

"It's two levels?" Bella's eyes widened.

"For this unit, yeah. The two bedroom is upstairs. It has a separate entrance. Completely private." I led her out of the kitchen into what was probably a dining room but was being used as a study. "Laurent says the desk stays. And the bookshelves."

"I love the bay window! Great light for reading."

I smiled and took her hand to show her more. "Here's one bedroom. Closet's kinda small."

"Really small! It's worse than the dorm rooms!"

"Bathroom..." I opened the door and she admired the ceramic and marble. "Look, no mold!" I teased. "And the other bedroom is across. You could have whichever you want. I don't care either way."

The second room had a sloped ceiling, but it was a bit larger. She fell in love with the design etched in the ceiling of the slope. "God, I can picture my bed right here..."

"Speaking of, you'd need to supply your own bed. Those don't come with the house."

"Really? Hmph. I'll watch for those mismatched set sales. Can I see downstairs?"

"Sure!" I led her towards the front. Across from the kitchen was a door that led down to the basement. "Watch your head...oh nevermind. You're too short to hit it," I winked as I ducked below the bulkhead.

"Ha ha... Oh my god! Is that a fireplace?" she squealed, pushing past me to see the whole room. "Seriously? We'd have a fucking fireplace? I've always wanted one. This room is huge!"

"I know. That's why we really want this one. Wanna see the third bedroom?"

She followed me in and took a good look. "Wow. This could be another whole apartment. Why didn't he make it three units?"

"Shhh! This is perfect! Don't give him any ideas. Seriously, he's all about security. There isn't a separate entrance and he doesn't want anyone to have to go through someone else's apartment."

"Ah. My dad would appreciate Laurent's thinking."

"Yeah, uh...have you talked to your dad?"

"Not yet. I wanted to decide first."

"And you don't think it will be a problem?"

She shrugged. "It's my call and I'm going for it."

"Yeah?" I smiled despite my doubts about her father's thoughts on the matter.

"Yeah." She wrapped her arms around my waist and kissed my neck. "Let's do this Cullen. Can we start the process or do we need Jasper with us?"

"I'll just let Laurent know we want this one. We can do the paperwork another time. You're sure?"

"Positive! I love this place!"

And so the deal was done.


	16. Chapter 16

**_Thank you Stephenie. And thank you thank you thank you to my readers who've kept coming back for more. _**

**Chapter 16 **

"You didn't call!" Bella admonished as I entered the bookshop Friday night.

"I know, I know. Davis is piling so much on me at once. I just wanted to get the hell out as soon as I was done."

"My TA man!" Bella leaned across the counter and kissed me. "I'm so proud of you. Have I told you that?"

"Not today." I grinned and stole another kiss.

"Are you feeling better about everything now that you've taken the job?"

"I guess. Except for having to give up my summer classes. That sucks."

"Aw sweetie, I know. I'm sorry about that." Her use of _that_ word didn't make me cringe. Instead, it spread a warmth throughout me and I felt my cheeks glowing. Hearing a noise down the aisle not visible to us, Bella went to investigate and returned with a grin. "I forgot your groupies were here."

Tanya followed her up, smile in place. "Hi Edward! Drinks tonight? I'll buy this time."

I glanced at Bella, who's head snapped around to glare at me. "Do you have a date Edward?" She was pissed.

"No!" Looking at Tanya over Bella's shoulder, I addressed her. "Bella and I have plans."

"Suit yourself," she shrugged. "Guess I'll catch you on the next boys' night." And then she fucking winked! Like the dude who'd pissed me off flirting with Bella... What was it with this place?

Bella waited until they left to turn her building rage on me. "You may want to reconsider your plans. The only thing I'm doing is finishing up here and going home. Alone." She didn't speak another word to me while she cashed out and locked up. I had to trot just to keep up with her when she headed home.

"Can I at least walk with you? It's Friday night. There are drunken creeps roaming the street."

"Like you last week?"

"Bella..."

"Don't. Just don't," she hissed.

"You told me to go out!"

"Yes Edward. I did. With your friends, not some slut who stalks you. I thought that was understood. Sorry. My fucking mistake."

"I was with my friends Bella. The girls were just there..."

"So tell me," Bella cut off my explanation. Again. "What happened to her being too young for you? Too annoying for you. Remember that? Or does that change when you're drunk? Is she more appealing? Is she more fuckable when you buy her drinks?" There was pure venom in her voice and now I was pissed myself.

"Bella! She was just there! I didn't buy her anything!"

"Did you fuck her?"

"Bella! Christ, you're being completely irrational. You can ask Sam. Ask Jaz!"

"They'll cover for you."

"They wouldn't lie to you," I protested. "I wouldn't lie. I'm not!"

"Tell me then, is that why you were so worked up when I called you the next day? Residual boner from her? Were you jerking off thinking of her when I called? Did she make you come?" She'd stopping walking as we reached campus.

I stood staring at her in disbelief. "That doesn't even deserve a response," I said quietly. "What's going on with you Bella? This isn't you. And what you're accusing me of? That's not me. You know that."

"I don't know anything. I don't even know if I know you." I looked away from her angry eyes. Staring at the ground, I felt a lump forming in my throat. "So what are you waiting for? Go get her dude! Oh wait...wanna come borrow a condom? I know you don't carry one so I've got you covered _buddy_." Looking at her once more, I knew she saw the hurt in my eyes because she looked away.

"Bella..." My voice was raspy with emotion.

"Don't," she whispered.

"What can I do? Please tell me," I begged softly.

"I need some space, I think. Yeah. So um, don't come get me in the morning. I'll find my own way to work."

Watching her walk away, I wanted to scream. I stood there for several minutes, unable to move. Struggling to breathe. I tugged at my hair in frustration and ran my hands down my face. There was wetness. I was fucking crying. Jesus.

She wouldn't answer my calls. No response to texts either. By Friday I was frantic so I went to see her after work, except she wasn't working. Saturday, I went to The Underground, not to watch my friends, but hoping to find Bella there. She hadn't missed a gig since we'd met. Until now. I declined offers from the guys to hang out or get shit-faced, opting instead to go home and cry. It was becoming a regular thing and I hated it. I sent one last text. _'I miss you Bella. Please let me make this right. XX'_

Nothing.

On Sunday I broke down and called Alice. I'd run out of options. "I'm worried about her Alice. She blew up over nothing and now she won't talk to me at all. What's going on?"

"I'm not getting involved Edward."

"Alice! For christ sake...you know me. You know I wouldn't fuck around. Will you talk to her? Please?"

There was silence on the other end and for a minute, I thought she'd hung up. "You really care about her," she finally said.

"Yes," I croaked out. "I do. Please...will you help me Alice?"

"Okay, listen...you have to talk to Bella."

I snorted a chuckle. "Therein lies the problem buddy..."

"I know, I know. Just listen to me. This isn't about you, okay? She knows you didn't do anything. You need to talk. I'll work on her too, but you guys really need to get together and talk."

"Try Al. Really try for me okay?"

"I will honey. I promise. Take care and call if you need anything."

"Okay."

"You'll be okay?"

"Sure."

"Honey..."

I swallowed the lump. The ever-fucking-present lump in my throat. "Thanks Al. I've missed you, you know."

"Me too. Wish I was with you there. You need a hug."

I snorted again. "I need something Alice. But thanks. Love you."

"Me too."

Days turned into another week and I couldn't take it. I'd become a stalker, waiting outside her work, her dorm, just for a glimpse of her. She'd seen me once and tucked her head down as she went the other way. Alice was sending me texts on a regular basis meant to be encouraging. They just reminded me of my failures and utter uselessness.

On Thursday, I skipped class and went to the library. I had a composition to write and I needed to do it in a place where I wouldn't fucking cry. I had to get through this.

_Dear Bella, _

_You've been waiting a long time for this, but I always follow through when it's important. I hope you're not expecting literary brilliance. What I can promise is honesty. I've spent the past two weeks thinking of nothing but all the things I'd say to you, given the chance. Unbelievably, as I sit here, I've no clue where to begin. Perhaps it's best to go right back to the beginning. _

_I was sure you hated me when we met. Hate may be a strong word. Intense disinterest? That fits. For my part, I was happy for the distraction you provided at the time. If left alone, I may have wallowed as I watched Emmett and Alice getting closer. Starting a friendship with you let me step away from that and allowed me to feel confident that I had healed. With that weight gone, I could focus on moving ahead. _

_And so, moving on: _

_Honesty part 1: _

_I was jealous of your crush. Although I had repeatedly told myself I wanted nothing more than a comfortable friendship, a buddy to hang out with, I was lying to myself. You can't know how easy it is to get wrapped up in you, Bella. I love that you take no bullshit from anyone, including me. If asked to describe you, I'd say 'intense chill'. You have this magnetic energy that can be felt more than seen. It's immensely appealing. _

_Honesty part 2: _

_While no longer heartbroken, I have a very strong awareness that I am breakable. The mood swings that frustrate the hell out of you are a result of that. I'm terrified to feel what I do, yet helpless to do otherwise. See points above on my attraction to you. I realize my Jekyll and Hyde act isn't healthy (Alice could diagnose my personality disorder, I'm sure) and I'm willing to work on that. To become less afraid and more balanced. _

_Honesty part 3: _

_I know you probably aren't aware, but I'm quite insecure. (Sarcasm definitely intended.) _

_As I struggle through my dual personality issue, I get pulled back from any progress I feel I've made when you pull away. I don't mean to turn this on you. I'm just letting you know this push and pull thing we do doesn't make it easy for me. If I have to overcome my shyness every second or third time we're together, you'll continue to be frustrated for a long time. _

_Honesty part 4: _

_I have a problem with Jack White, an Icky Thump obsession; but you know that. It needed to be put in writing, however. _

_Honesty part 5:_

_We've known each other a relatively short amount of time, yet I trust you with things that would take a decade of friendship with anyone else. Something that special doesn't come often and I'm so scared of losing that. Worse yet, throwing it away. So I've made a decision that I will fight for it. For you. Because while I've conformed or simply walked away in the past, this is that important to me. You, our relationship, is that important to me. I need you in my life Bella, in whatever form it comes in. I'm not running. _

_Honesty part 6: _

_I'm more than a little anxious about the fact that I'm putting myself out there while you remain a mystery. I feel like there's so much that you haven't let me see. Do you think I cannot be the kind of friend you've been to me? Is that why you keep yourself hidden? You don't need to answer those questions, of course, but please consider what our relationship could be if we were to both open up. _

_Have you had enough? While honesty is simply spewing from me, I have just one more confession to make, if you have the time. It's not really new, more of a culmination of truths resulting in what I'll refer to as: _

_Uber honesty: _

_I am scared to death of the level of which I care for you. The fact that I miss you minutes after parting, that I can't imagine my life without you being part of it. _

_The fact that after two weeks apart, I miss you so desperately that I'm sitting in a library in tears. People are staring Bella, and I don't even care. _

_Please, please let me work with you to fix this. I will understand, of course, if I've completely freaked you out and you want nothing to do with me. My ability to mess things up may have peaked with this. But know that I care for you and I'm here. Raw and complety open. For you. Always, Edward _

I went for a long walk afterwards, gathering my composure and building up the balls to actually give Bella her letter. I walked past the shop to see if she was even working. Thursdays were a normal night for her to be in, and she was. I watched her typing on her laptop at the front counter. She'd stop occassionally and stare into a void. She looked terribly sad and alone. As tears threatened once more, I fled for the coffee shop. Returning 10 minutes later, I entered tentatively. There was a customer waiting but Bella was nowhere in sight. I was about to turn around when I recognized the customer. Bella's mentor, Victoria, spotted me at the same time and smiled instantly.

"Hello! Bella's at the back with an indecisive customer. She might be awhile."

"That's okay. I'm just dropping this off for her." I set her large mocha, extra whipped cream, down on the counter.

"Sweet," Victoria smiled. "She needs a little TLC. Bella hasn't been herself lately."

I nodded, passing the envelope that contained my most personal thoughts back and forth between my hands. Before I lost the nerve, I placed it under the cup. "Um, I have to go. But if you could let Bella know I left this for her, I'd really appreciate it."

"Absolutely! Take care Edward. You should come by the house sometime with Bella. She tells me you're quite a literature fan yourself."

"I am, yes. I'd like that very much." I smiled shyly before wishing her a goodnight. I considered the deli on my way past but realized I had no appetite. I went home instead.

Jaz had a way of knowing when to get me to talk or give me space. He'd been giving me a lot of space for which I was grateful. I'd only ever cried in front of him once, when a cousin died in a car crash. If I talked, I would cry. I heard the TV click off when my key opened the lock on our door. "I'm meeting Sam at the pub. You wanna come?"

I shook my head and he understood. He just did. Patting my shoulder, he left immediately. Stripping off, I got right into bed and stared at the ceiling. I found myself bargaining with a god I hadn't spoken to in a very long time. _Please don't let me fuck this up. If. This works out, I swear I'll devote my life to healing. And Bella. I'll be the most dedicated doctor and...whatever to Bella...I can possibly be. Just. Don't. Fuck. Up. _I got a text alert. Certain it was Sam attempting to lure me to the pub, I put my headphones on and drifted off to _'Only By the Night'_.

Waking in need of a piss at 3 a.m. I spotted my phone flashing new messages. 3 of them. Sam: _'got a beer with your name on it. No girls allowed. Come down!'_

I smirked and deleted it. My heart pounded when the next one popped up. Bella: _'Thank you. I care too.' _I never got to the last one. I read those five words a hundred times and fell back to sleep.

Sleeping well for the first time in two weeks, I woke early afternoon. Checking my messages, I saw Alice had texted me after Bella.

Assuming she had meant my letter was a success and that Bella was coming around, I decided it was time for an in person attempt to fix things between us. I headed over straight from the shower while my hair was still somewhat tamed. I hadn't shaved in... God, I couldn't even recall the last shave. Well at least part of me was presentable.

Alice answered the door almost immediately. She was on her way out but put her departure off to talk to me. "I'm really sorry Edward but she's not here. Come in, come in."

I allowed myself to be hauled into their room where Alice pulled a chair out for me, sitting cross-legged on her bed herself. "She left first thing this morning."

"Know when she'll be back? I'd like to speak with her. It's time."

"I know...but she's gone for the weekend Edward. Sorry! She went home."

"Everything alright?" I asked, my brow furrowed.

"She's working on it." Alice smiled warmly as she rubbed my arm.

"Al...you'd tell me if she was in some sort of trouble right? I'm really worried. I'd like to help, if I can."

"Honey, you have...you are. You've helped her more than you know. Be patient. Let her tell you in her own way."

I left after a hug, feeling more confused than before I spoke with Alice. Why the hell did she have to be so vague? If Bella had a problem, I wanted to know about it. She had promised to let Bella know I'd been to see her. All I could do now was wait. And hope she would let me in. Soon.

_A/N~Bella's got some issues of her own it seems. Will Edward go all out to help her? Or back off to protect himself? More coming soon!~SR_


	17. Chapter 17

**_All characters belong to Stephenie. How they interact in my mind, is all mine._**

**Chapter 17**

I felt like 8 shades of shit the next day. Going out wet after being run down was not a good idea. More likely I was just worn out but my mom had always told me not to go out in the cold with wet hair. _Mom_. I needed some sympathy so I called home. Omitting the bit about the wet hair, I got what I needed and then we talked about school and the new work I was already starting to do for Davis. She asked when I was coming home and talked about Emmett's visit and how lovely Alice is. Oh and Em told her about my new girlfriend. I told her she was a friend and reminded her how busy I am. She reminded me that Dad had been my age when they'd started dating and he found time. I reminded myself to give my brother a kick in the ass for telling them in the first place.

All in all, I did feel better having talked to my mom. Even better when I took her advice about NyQuil...well technically DayQuil since I'm one of the 1 in 100,000 who have the opposite effect of medications that should make you drowsy. Totally wired with one dose of nighttime, but non-drowsy cold meds knock me out for the count. So much so that I was late for my physics test the next morning.

Davis sent me home during chemistry mid-afternoon. I considered going to wait for Bella at work but remembered Alice telling me to be patient so I went home instead. I crashed after my DayQuil kicked in. Briefly.

"_Edward! _Jesus this guy can sleep..."

"Not with you yelling at me dickhead," I mumbled. "I'm fucking sick. Leave me alone."

"Okay. Fine. I'll just let Bella know you're not accepting visitors. I'm sure we'll both attend your funeral though...if you don't pull through this _head cold_. Which, by the way, you've managed to share with me in less than 24 hrs thankyouverymuch."

"Bella?" I was groggy and feverish and sure I was dreaming. "You're sick too Jaz? Shit. Sorry."

"I'll keep my distance then." My eyes flew open at the sound of her voice. Not a dream.

I peeked out from under my blankets. "Hey," I croaked out and attempted to sit up.

"Hey." She flashed me a shy grin beneath remorseful eyes. Remorse for what? Freezing me out for the past two weeks or was she here to do the kiss-off. Permanently.

"Okay folks. I'm outta here. Gonna see if Sam wants a roomie tonight..."

"Jasper no! I don't want to chase you from your room all night! Besides, you'll get Sam sick too."

"Good point! Better yet..."

"Emmett!" Jaz and I grinned.

"You guys are mean," Bella said with a little laugh. God. I'd missed that sound.

"Em! What's up dude! Can I crash with you?" Jasper winked as he made his plans. "Awesome. Be right over." He pocketed his phone and grabbed his bag. "Take it easy you two. Good to see you Bella. Don't disappear on us again okay?" His voice softened when he addressed her, but he was looking at me. I gave him a nod as he left.

I reached for my box of tissue as a sneezing fit took hold.

"This is a bad time," Bella frowned.

"No. Well, yeah. But it's okay. It's just a cold and as Jasper pointed out. I'll probably live." I smirked as I grabbed my t-shirt off the floor.

Bella sat opposite me, at my desk while I pulled my shirt on.

"You're not at work...what time is it?"

"Only 7. I booked off in case I didn't get back yesterday."

"Alice told me you went home. Everything alright?"

"Um..." She rolled her eyes. "It's complicated."

"Oh." I hoped my sigh wasn't too pronounced, but damn! She was still going to hold back...fuck.

"So I wanted to thank you... The mocha was really good. I haven't had one lately."

"Yeah. I got your text. You're welcome."

"And the letter..." She looked down as she blushed.

"You don't have to discuss it. That was the point of writing remember?" I wanted her to keep talking but she looked so uncomfortable, I let her off the hook.

"Edward, I'm sorry. I was a total bitch to you and I don't deserve the time you put into writing to me. I don't even know why you're talking to me now."

"Did you read it Bella?"

"Yes. Countless times."

"Then you do know why. I'm not angry with you. Your words really stung at the time but it was just an argument. I have taken psychology...it's required...I know you were lashing out at the closest person because of an underlying issue. I'm flattered you chose me." She gave me her _WTF?_ look and I cracked up.

"You're an idiot," she laughed with me. "I really do owe you my share of honesty though huh?"

"That would be nice. When you're ready." I wasn't going to pressure her and blow it now.

"That's kinda why I'm here Cullen."

"Oh. Great. Can I uh...I need to pee before we get into a long conversation."

Laughing, she kicked at my mattress. "Go! I'll wait."

I dashed to the bathroom and back in my tee and boxers. Climbing back into bed, I wondered how awkward this was for her. "I'm not getting dressed. You alright with that?" My balls ached whenever I got sick. I felt shifty enough without having to put jeans on.

"I'm fine with that. Can I get you anything? You look like shit Cullen."

"Thanks. I was just thinking how you've gotten more gorgeous. We're kind of a yin and yang then huh?"

She bit her lip as she grinned. "I miss this. You always make me laugh."

"Usually unintentionally."

"Whatever. It works. This...thing we do...we have. Y'know?" I nodded with a grin. "Okay, so I'm going to share one truth with you and then I'm going to leave for awhile."

"Leave?"

"Just for awhile. I'll come back."

"You'd better. I can't run tonight so I won't chase you."

"I'll come back," she vowed again. "Truth?"

"Let's have it!" I leaned against my pillows, hands hooked behind my head.

"In the beginning...when we first met..."

"And you hated me..."

"I've never hated you."

"When you were intensely disinterested...was that it?"

"Yeah, but no. You read me wrong. I was avoiding you. Not because I didn't like you or didn't want to get to know you but because you are Emmett's brother." She spoke clearly and looked me directly in the eye. "I had no idea you'd be polar opposites. Aside from looks. You're entirely different. Like, I don't even know if you'd be friends if you weren't brothers you're so different."

"Is that good or bad?"

"Good! I like Emmett in small doses. I couldn't take him for too long though. I couldn't spend the amount of time together we do, with him. That first meeting was awkward because I'd already turned him down and I was expecting his kin to be mackin' on me too. Sorry. I misjudged you."

"Why did you go in the first place?"

"Alice."

"I didn't even know about you until I was outside the pub," I confessed. "I thought I was meeting Em's new girl, that's all."

"Seriously? They set us up and didn't even tell you it was a hookup?" Bella covered her mouth to hold in a laugh.

"You didn't notice how nervous I was? And pissed at my brother? Oh wait! Of course you didn't... You were busy ignoring me!" I teased.

"I was really wrong about you. I wasted so much time." She was being very serious so I straightened up and tried to be mature.

"When did you first see the difference?"

"When I mouthed off at that Neanderthal and you defended me. Sorry about that too by the way. He could've done serious damage to that pretty face of yours."

Okay. Back to teasing. "Em would have as well. It's how we were raised. My mom would've kicked his ass if he hadn't."

She smiled at me. "I think I'd like your mom."

Unable to go any longer, I blew my nose loudly. "Sorry," I muttered into the tissue. "Couldn't breathe."

Bella stood up and picked up her bag. Shit! "Don't go already! Look, I'll go in the bathroom the next time I need to do that."

She bent over me and kissed me ever so gently on the forehead. "I'll be right back. Any special requests while I'm out?" She pulled open my fridge and examined the contents.

"More tissue? If you're near a store..."

"No problem. Should I leave the door unlocked so you don't have to get back up?"

"Take my keys." I reached into my nightstand and pulled them out, showing her the proper one. "See you," I smiled before dozing into a medicine aided sleep.

* * *

I woke with something cold on my face.

"Sorry I woke you," Bella whispered.

"Mmm. That felt good," I mumbled.

"You're burning up Edward. Can you sit up? I'll get your medicine."

"When did you get back?" My voice was hoarse from the sore throat and I was groggy as hell already.

"An hour ago maybe. Here. Take these." She passed me two pills and a bottle of water. "Can you eat something or do you just want me to let you sleep?"

"No! I wanna talk..."

"We will. We need to get you healthy first. I brought lots of soup and Jell-O. No ice cream. You're too congested."

I smiled at her sleepily. "You could come to med school with me."

"Blech! No thanks. I hate being around sick people."

"Oh. Sorry. You don't have to stay then."

She sat on the edge of my bed and rubbed my head. "You're a different case. I'm not leaving you like this. So, soup or Jell-O? Or a bath?"

"Do I need one?" I sniffed at myself. "I can't smell anything, have I gone off?"

Bella chuckled. "To bring the fever down. Otherwise, you're fine."

"Maybe I should..." I started to get out of bed.

"Stay put. I'll get it ready." I heard the water start running. "You don't have any bubblebath!" she called out.

"Uh no," I replied from the doorway. "I'm a guy. Remember?"

She spun around, startled by my voice. "I remember," she said quietly. "Your eyes look impossibly green when your cheeks are so red." She seemed to be shivering as she looked up at me. "Um, do you need help...or..."

"I can manage from here," I smiled down at her. "Thanks Bella."

"Okay." She blushed as she brushed against me in the doorway. "Um, don't stay in too long and you should leave the door unlocked. Just in case you fall asleep or something."

I smiled, leaning on the door frame. She was something else when she was taking care of me. For someone who hated sick people, she tended to me frequently and I found that I liked when she fussed over me. I also liked it when she blushed so when I'd finished soaking, I walked out wearing only a towel. No need for shyness when she knew my innermost thoughts. That exposed more.

"Wow." Bella sat on my bed that she had tidied up for me. "I was going to suggest that you don't over-dress, guess I didn't have to worry. Nice legs Cullen."

Damn. I was blushing instead of her. How did she do that? "I'll get dressed," I mumbled grabbing a clean shirt and shorts.

I ate some soup that she microwaved for me and drank lemon tea and my fever had come down. I didn't want to act too well in case she decided she was no longer needed. But it was getting late and she had classes in the morning. "So have you confessed enough for one day? I've been sleeping off and on but you must be tired."

"I'm okay actually. I'll take a nap once you fall back to sleep."

"You're staying?"

"You shouldn't be alone."

"I'm a big boy Bella."

"I see that," she smirked. "You want me to go now?"

"No."

"Good. Then lay back and I'll take care of you." She sat and pulled me back against her, my head in her lap. "Damn, you can grow a beard Cullen."

"Yeah. I haven't shaved lately..."

"I noticed."

"You hate it," I stated.

"No. It just makes me realize how long it's been since..." She looked down at me as she stroked my hair. "Makes me miss the time we lost even more."

"So we're okay now?" I asked softly.

"I want us to be."

"Then we are."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that," I smiled.

"Without any explanation on my part?"

I shrugged. "When you're ready, you'll tell me." I just hoped it would be soon.

Looking down at me, there was such tenderness in her eyes. "How did you get to be so good and how did I get to be part of your life..." She leaned down and kissed my forehead still running her fingers through my hair. "Edward, remember that night at Ellie's?"

"Are you gonna talk about the rebound make-out now?"

"That was not a rebound make-out!"

"Come on Bella, it was and you know it. I'm no better. I wait 'til I'm drunk to make contact with you. Anyway, what about that night?"

"Well, I was thinking about your letter and the point you made about me retreating..."

"Is this another Bella truth?"

"It is."

I smiled and rubbed my cheek against her arm. "Go on," I urged softly.

"I've been flip-flopping. Not because of you. But because of what I'm feeling."

"What are you feeling Bella?" I whispered, eyes closed as I listened to the melody of her voice.

"Lost. Confused. Guilty."

My eyes snapped open. "Why?"

She sighed heavily. "You know my crush on Jaz?" I nodded, biting the inside of my cheek. "I've come to the conclusion that I got over it so fast because it was never really there. I wanted to experience a romance that wasn't an evolution of friendship. I wanted something that was just about passion, you know?"

"Um, I guess. But not entirely. I can't do one night stands. I need a complete relationship. That means we've got to be friends too."

"I've come to that conclusion about myself as well. I kept making myself be interested in Jasper because he's cool and cute and a really good guy."

"Yeah yeah yeah. I'd fuck him too, if I was a girl..." I said grumpily.

Bella smiled at my response. "I don't want to myself. See how confused I am? I don't want Jasper. But I couldn't..." She stopped to compose her thoughts. "I've only ever been with one guy. We were best friends." Her words ended there and she gazed blankly across the room.

* * *

_A/N~So, Edward's a pushover when it comes to Bella. But can he draw out her secrets? Does he even truly want to know? Thanks for following my story!~SR_


	18. Chapter 18

**_Oh I do have fun with SM's characters..._**

**Chapter 18**

I shifted so I could sit beside her. "Tell me about him."

She looked down now, at her hands, nervously picking at her nails. "Jake is the son of my dad's best friend. We used to play together when we were kids and I'd spend summers with my dad. When I went to live with him three years ago, Jake was like, my only friend. I hated the high school there and everyone in it. I was completely miserable."

"It would be difficult to adjust. But you had him at least. So what happened?"

"I dunno... He's my friend. We were friends. And then he wanted more. And my dad and his dad were always pushing us together... and I went along 'cause he's a really great guy and I do love him..."

"But...?" I said into her hair as I kissed the top of her head.

"I don't feel... It's like... Argh! It's so confusing, still!" She slammed her hands against her thighs and then brought them up to bury her face. "I don't get excited by him... Like, I had all the feelings you should when you're in love - comfort, security - I can rely on him 100%. And he's completely loyal. He's a good guy... A great guy... There's just no passion. Not for me anyway."

"Hmm." What could I say? I've been on his end of the field and it doesn't feel good.

"The thing with Jaz... I guess I wanted to see if I could get excited. You know, maybe I'm just not a very passionate person."

"I disagree. You _are_... but go on."

"I've figured that out as well," she smirked at me. "So, short story made long and confusing... I obviously can get excited and feel passionate with someone other than him and that makes me feel shitty and elated at the same time. Or at alternating times... Flip. Flop."

"Ah."

"You weren't my first choice to test my passion capacity on because of the Emmett thing..."

"In case I was a player..."

"So I put Jasper in that role initially. There's more to it Edward, do you want it?"

"Give it to me."

" I realized the day of Ellie's party, in the lab, that everything I wanted, I already had with you. I made myself like Jasper that way instead of you."

"Why Bella? Am I that bad?" I needed the complete truth, no matter how much it would sting.

"Because I've done the get involved with my best friend thing and..."

"It didn't work..."

"And if it did work for us? Which from the first time we kissed, I was pretty sure it would...then I'd be the most wretched girl in the universe 'cause I couldn't be that way with the first guy who really really loved me."

"There's the guilt you mentioned."

"Yeah. And more now that I've flip-flopped you."

"Why didn't you just tell me to begin with?"

"Well uh, 'cause I was too busy sucking on your tongue and fantasizing to have a conversation."

"Afterwards I mean. It was like it never happened. Or, you hadn't wanted it to..."

"Edward...I didn't talk about it because I was mortified."

"Because we kissed?"

"Because I threw up!_ In front of you! _Do you know how embarrassing that is?"

"Funny, I never gave it another thought other than concern for you. It wasn't a big deal. Not for me anyway."

She slapped her forehead. "I'm an idiot."

"I'm contagious," I teased. "So I can get you excited huh?"

"Cullen...don't tease me..."

"Do I still make you feel bad?" I asked, now very serious.

"Yes and no," she smiled.

"So there's the potential for more flipping?" She nodded. "And flopping too, I presume?"

"Edward..." she groaned, laying her head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry that I'm such a pain in the ass."

"I'm still here Bella. You're not too big a pain. Or the flipside is just really really worth it." I lifted her chin so she could see my smile. "You can get this figured out. You're an intelligent and resourceful girl. And I'm not going anywhere." A single tear drifted down her cheek and she wiped it away before I could. Instead, I caressed where it had been and kissed her head again. "Don't beat yourself up over things you have no control over. You can't make yourself feel something anymore than you can stop feeling."

"I know. It's still hard."

"I know that. Would you rather go back to a passionless love?"

"I'm pretty sure I've burned that bridge even if I wanted to. It's not a good relationship to have, it's not healthy... Right?"

"No. Not if you can't make peace with it yourself. For the record, it's just as bad the other way - great sex with someone who you only sorta like and kinda care for is just as unhealthy."

"That's your romantic history?" I nodded. "Great sex huh? Not just good, or frequent. _Great!_" I shrugged, smirk in place. "And how did said great sex partner get you loosened up enough to follow through?" She teased as she snuggled into me.

I looked up in thought. "One got me hammered. I'm actually not even sure I got it in. Another time was accidental, I think. And there was the experimental phase where my curiosity took over. Those were the best times."

"Okay Cullen... Accidental?" she giggled. "How can you have _accidental _sex? I need to know."

Laughing, I wrapped her tightly in my arms. "Easy to understand if you know me. We were fooling around this one night and decided to take it a little further than we'd been, so we're down to our undies and things are...happening."

"You were happy in your underpants," Bella laughed.

"Extremely happy in my underpants. She was getting really worked up and decided a dry hump wouldn't do for her right? So she takes off her panties and does the grind only she misjudged her move or underestimated the power of a dry humped dick trying to get some air 'cause it popped out and directly in."

"Oh no!" Bella's hand covered her mouth as she laughed with me. "What did you do?"

"Well I froze, 'cause fuck, I was_ in_! Unbelievable! Remember I don't know if I actually was the previous time. This time there was no question. I watched for her reaction and she was like...I dunno, like she didn't know what to do. Like _'Oh my god! I've got a dick in me!' _So she ended up riding for a few strokes before the dismount, trying to decide what she should do. By the time we decided to go for it and got a condom, her brother came home and I played _'Halo'_ with him for an hour with a wrapped and ready wiener."

Bella was laughing so hard she got the hiccups. "That's some great sex there Cullen. But it's good you can laugh about it."

"Mmm. Why do I keep telling you all these embarrassing sexual exploits? With and without partners?"

"'Cause you're you. When you get on a roll, you go unfiltered. It's awesome. I love that about you."

I choked out a laugh that ended as more of a cough. "You know you're gonna get this cold. I'm really contagious."

"So fucking contagious..." Bella tilted her head and kissed me, not aggressively but certainly not hesitantly either. I struggled to breathe as my nose was plugged and her tongue was blocking my second airway but I figured I could go without oxygen for awhile longer. She let me up for air soon enough and switched to nibbling on my ear. She tried my neck but gave up fighting through my beard. "It tickles and scratches!"

"It's gone. First thing tomorrow, I have date with my razor," I promised as I sucked on her neck. "You are so gonna get sick Bella. We should wait."

"Too late for that now Cullen. It only takes one super germ... " She turned around to be in a better position for her show of affection. "Besides, you won't even know if it's in me or not. The germ that is." She winked at me as she climbed aboard, hands on my shoulders, lips on mine.

"Bella," I moaned. "This is so good and I really want to be with you but honey, I can't breathe!"

She slowed her movements and eventually stopped with reluctance. "I'm sorry." She kissed me gently before climbing off.

"Don't be. At any other time I'd be more than happy to accommodate." I reached for a tissue and blew. Hard. "I'm disgusting! Sorry."

"Don't ever change Edward. You're perfect, just like this."

"Full of mucus?"

She wrinkled her nose. "We could do without mucus. Everything else though..." She laid next to me with her head on my chest, arm around my waist after we turned out the lights and she borrowed a shirt again. "You do seem to be feeling better, aside from the mucus. That's good. Do you need another dose before you sleep?"

"It's not the medicine making me feel better. It's the Bella Affect. And yeah, I need another dose."

* * *

The next morning I felt 100% better. I left Bella to sleep while I tended to hygiene. I was singing in the shower when she rapped on the door.

"Edward, I really have to pee!"

"Go on then. I won't peek."

She put off flushing since I was showering but I heard the water running before the shower door opened a crack. "Hey! No looking at my bum!"

"Party pooper!" she said as she slammed it shut. She sat on the toilet waiting for me to finish up, passing in a towel when I turned the water off.

"Do you want to shower here?" I asked as I dried off. "We don't have bubblebath, sorry." I grinned stepping out of the tub.

"You shaved!"

"Told you I would and I keep my promises." I pulled her up for a hug and kiss. "Morning," I smiled before our lips met.

"Mmm. So smooth." Bella placed a dozen kisses on my face as she checked every spot. "Too bad. I was kinda curious what the beard would feel like in various places."

I raised an eyebrow and my eager dick simultaneously. "Oh god. Sorry about that," I apologized when she glanced down.

"You didn't take care of that in the shower?"

"This is new. And no... FYI... I don't wank every morning. I thought I'd be respectable and not jack off with a guest here."

"Whatever," she shrugged. "You could've. I would if it were that easy for girls." She brushed past me to turn the water back on for her own shower.

"Fuck me..." I muttered, thinking of her in the shower, getting herself off. I sat on the toilet and waited for her to be done, passing in a much smaller towel than she'd provided. She didn't comment on it and I almost came when she climbed over the side of the tub with her perfectly rounded ass cheeks hanging out. I stood instantly and kissed her. She returned my kisses with vigor, nails digging into the flesh on my back. Sliding my fingers under her towel, I squeezed and kneaded her bare ass. Moaning, she pressed hard against me before I lifted her by her bottom. She spread her legs around my waist as I held her ass, only my towel separating us now. "Bella..." I murmured into her open mouth. I turned her around and set her on the countertop. She kept her legs locked behind my back as we kissed and grabbed at each other. "Shit Bella...you really shouldn't have mentioned having a hard time getting off."

"I didn't say I did," she panted. "Just that you have it easier."

"Did you get off?"

"Here?"

"Yeah. In my shower." I held her right leg higher, adding just the right pressure to my throbbing dick.

"No. I was being respectful of my host..."

"Do that for me? In my shower?"

"Now?"

"If you want..."

"I..." she looked away, blushing, then kissed me again. "I can't. Not yet."

"But you would another time? Fuck..." I sucked on her lip and her tongue whenever she poked it out. "It's too hot in here with the steam."

"It's totally not the steam Cullen. Uhhh," she moaned as she felt me twitching between her legs. "Oh god..." Sucking on my lip and tongue now, she rubbed against me as best she could through my towel. "What if you slip?" she panted with a smirk.

"I easily could." I lowered my head and licked down her throat. "If you want..."

"Yes! And no... Shit!" She thrusted against me and pulled away at the same time.

"Okay..." I changed to baby kisses back up her neck until I reached her face. Cupping it with both hands, I kissed her lips softly. "You're not ready. That's okay." I kissed her again and again, murmuring softly to her until her breathing became controlled.

"I'm sorry," she whispered against my bare chest. "I'm so sorry. This isn't fair to you."

"You're being more unfair to yourself Bella. If this is something you want...if you want to have a relationship like this with me, I'll wait."

"Seriously Cullen?"

"Seriously. If it's something you want." She hugged me closer but didn't respond. "Do you Bella? Do you want to be together?"

She whispered a breathy, "Yes."

"It's what I want too. But we'll take it slow." I pulled her away slightly to look at her face. "Okay?"

She smiled and nodded. "Thank you for this. I'm working on it okay? I'll try not to drag this shit out."


	19. Chapter 19

**_Character names property of SM. _**

**Chapter 19**

I walked her to class but seeing as my first of the day was already in progress, I skipped it. Going to the library instead, I got the assignment online and finished it quickly to meet Bella for lunch. Alice joined us.

"You guys!" she squealed as she pulled us into a three-way hug before we split up for the afternoon. "I'm sooo happy you're working this out. You two are made for each other. My two best friends..._EEEE! _So awesome."

"Tell us how you really feel Al," I laughed.

"I'm just super excited. Sorry. Bella's been in a rut for so long. This is exactly what she needs."

"Alice!" Bella complained. "A rut?"

"Rut, hell, whatever you call it. I call it living under a dictatorship. And now you're free!"

"A dictatorship?" I must have missed something...

"You didn't tell him?" Alice tried to be discreet in her whisper to Bella but I still heard.

"We only had one night to talk...I didn't get everything out," Bella replied in a steady voice, looking at me while speaking to Alice.

"It'll come. I'm being patient," I grinned and nudged my old friend to let her know her advice over the past weeks had been invaluable to me.

"You'll have lots of time over the weekend."

"What's going on this weekend?" Bella asked, confused.

"I'll be at Emmett's. His roommate is going away..."she beamed. "So you have our room to yourself. _Wink, wink._"

"Subtle," I commented.

"Almost too subtle. I _almost_ didn't get the underlying suggestion to make a drugstore run before then."

"No need hon. I'll take care of you before I leave and we're gonna have a long talk. And Edward?" She turned to face me as we dumped our food trays. "Try not to screw this up."

"None of this is his fault Alice. Lay off." Bella came to my defence.

"Edward knows what I mean. Don't you?"

I nodded as I stuffed my hands in my pockets. It was a reminder to find a balance between being a pushy sex-crazed prick and an insecure wuss. It would be a struggle for me.

To warm-up, Bella and I spent two more nights together in my room...Jasper present for these ones. It helped with my self-control. My dick didn't quite get the lesson but at least I knew it would be ready when called into action. I picked Bella up from work on Friday to begin our weekend together. She ran to unlock the door for me when she saw me outside.

"Hi," she greeted me with a huge grin.

"Hi," I replied with a kiss on her cheek. "I didn't bring you coffee. Sam asked if we wanted to join them for a drink. You can say no if you don't want to. I'll just call him."

"No! That sounds great! I'll be done here in about 10 minutes." She relocked the door and then pulled me forward by the shirt with both hands. Pressing tightly against me, she stood on her toes and gave me a knee-buckling kiss.

"Wow. What was that for?" I panted when she released me.

"I missed you today."

"Mmm. I could go out and come back...would I get the same reaction?"

Giggling, she started counting her deposit. I leaned against the counter beside her and took the opportunity to do what I'd planned to weeks ago. "Bella, do you ever watch_ 'Politically Incorrect'_?"

"I've only seen it a few times. We don't have cable. I love Bill Maher. I have one of his stand-up shows. We should watch it this weekend! Remind me."

"Great. We'll do that."

She glanced over at me. "That was random. You must have had a reason for asking and I monopolized..."

"Well I was wondering if you'd like to go see him live. He's here next month..."

"Really? That would be awesome!"

"Yeah? Good 'cause I already have the tickets. Sam asked if we'd want to go with him and Ell. I was going to surprise you but..."

"But?"

"Things got weird." I gave her a crooked grin. "And I never got to ask you out so... I'm asking now?"

Grinning, she bit her lip. "Are you asking me on a date Cullen?"

"Yeah. I am. A double date mind you, but a real date nonetheless. So?"

She replied with another kiss, walking us back into the shop with our lips joined. I pulled my jacket off as I was getting over-heated very quickly. Her hands ran up under my shirt and I held her tight ass, pressing her against me. I was now against the bookshelves lining the wall. I used them to brace myself as I felt weak in the knees. Her foot found a toe-hold and she climbed up to meet my lips at a closer height. It also put her body in a very appealing position lower down. I held onto her tightly so she wouldn't slip and her tongue performed magic in my mouth.

"Christ Bella..." I panted when she slid her luscious tongue across my earlobe and down my neck. "Do you do this for all your customers?"

"Just the hot ones," she grinned before lifting my shirt to get at a nipple.

"Bella...the window. People can see..."

She sucked in my nipple and gave a little bite before releasing it with a loud suction noise.

"Fuuuuck," I moaned, my head resting back against some paperbacks and my eyes closed. Her finger pinched and teased the erect nipple still moist from her mouth as she nibbled on my chin.

"Okay... I'm suggesting we skip drinks..." I found her mouth and kissed her with a desperation as I squeezed her ass.

Suddenly, as quickly as it began, it was over. "No way! I'm dying to see Ellie again."

"Bu...but..." I stammered, staring down at the massive bulge straining against my zipper.

"Relax big fella. That was just a warm-up." She blew me a kiss and went to finish up her work. I didn't know if she'd been talking to me or my package. It didn't really matter at this point. I was all worked up. Confused and horny. The Cullen combo. I tried to make myself vow to retaliate when she was all worked up and ready to go...but I knew I wouldn't be able to. Sex would win over pride every time.

* * *

I was still a little pissed when we got to the pub but I quickly got over it. Enjoying a night out with friends, I felt very relaxed and content.

"This is weird, but this chick at the bar has been staring at us all night. It's creeping me out." Ellie leaned in so we could all hear her. "Anyone know her?" We all turned to glance and groaned together.

"Bitch!" Bella muttered under her breath.

"Who is she?" Ellie took Bella's arm and asked.

"Edward's _groupie_," she smirked. "She totally stalks him."

"Hmph. You'd think that would've stopped. You do know she tried to do a hook-up and he shot her down," Sam informed Bella.

"She didn't try to hook up...she was just drunk," I protested.

"Dude, she so was trying to pick you up! It was amusing," he said, addressing the girls. "He was so obviously ignoring her but she wouldn't get a clue."

"She still doesn't!" Bella blurted. "She flirts with him so blatantly. Like, right in front of me! I guess I'm invisible."

"Not to me," I whispered in her ear and kissed her neck. Deciding to make a show of it, I threw my arm around her shoulder casually as my group continued talking and laughing. Bella had her hand on my leg and we'd share a soft kiss every now and then. Total couple. PDAs had their time and place. Tanya and her friends left without disturbing us further.

It was just after midnight when Bella and I arrived at my dorm. I wanted to get some things for the weekend. "Bring your iPod! You have better stuff," Bella requested as I packed a bag.

Jasper was in a heated, but quiet phone chat with Rose when we waved goodnight. "See? I'm not the only perv into phone sex!" I joked with Bella.

"Did you ever find out what they were arguing about at the party?"

"Mm-hmm. Jaz was trying to distance himself a bit. They've been doing this long distance relationship a long time. They go through rough spots... They're okay now."

"There wasn't another reason?"

"No way. Jaz is faithful. I'm serious. There's never been anyone but Rosalie for him."

"I guess I just assume there's someone else if you're gonna break up with someone..."

"Why? People change Bella. Grow apart. Develop new interests. It's part of life. There can be mutual and amicable break-ups."

She gave me a half-grin. "Speaking from experience?"

I shrugged. "I guess."

Bella hooked her arm through mine as we walked to Ashton House. "So Cullen. Tell me about her. Who was your biggest love out of your many conquests?"

"Attempted conquests," I reminded her with a laugh. "And I can't say."

"Come on! You tell me all sorts of stuff. And it's not like I'll ever meet her."

"No, it's not that." I gave it some consideration as we strolled. "I don't think I've ever really been in love. I cared. And I was deeply attracted... But love persay? Not so much."

"Hmm."

"What 'hmm'? What does that mean?"

"I figured you for a true romantic. You know, 'cause you're thoughtful and poetic and sweet..." She raised an eyebrow to see if I'd lash out. I grinned instead. "I'm wrong? You don't fall in love easily?"

"It's ironic, because it's actually Emmett who falls at the blink of an eye. I guess I'm more reserved. Or choosier."

"Holding out for the right one to give your love to?"

I smiled as I stopped her for a kiss. "I guess I was."

"I was right then. True romantic."

"Or just non-committal," I teased. "Have you considered that? I'll do what I have to 'cause I'm horny? And because I'm a science nerd, opportunities to get laid are slim."

"Pfft. Not buying it Cullen. You're just plain ol' sweet."

"And horny."

"Not a terrible combination."

"Not ideal either. I do spend far too much time with myself."

She raised an eyebrow again. With a smirk in place, she pulled her phone out and started tapping the keys at an insane pace. My own phone vibrated and I took it out to read her text.

"Bella! Naughty girl..." I laughed.

"Text sex doesn't do it for you?"

"Oh it's working," I chuckled. I keyed in my response, _'You're my first. Be gentle.'_

_'I will be...until I get alone with that hot body you rock so hard...'_

"Bella," I grunted.

"Shh! Type!"

"I can't do this!" I laughed nervously.

"You're a writer Edward, don't be silly. Of course you can."

Sighing, I tapped out a message. _'You haven't seen rock hard...wanna try it?'_

I could see her blush in the streetlights as she typed back,_ 'I'm all over it. And on it.'_

"Oh fuck. You're killing me you do know that right? You have to do this to me now? I can hardly fucking walk!" I laughed.

"Don't then." She took off for another race.

Right. Like I could run with an iron rod shoved in my pants. I stumbled along with my hand in my pocket to appease the angry rod. It was not amused.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

"It's good to know your eating habits are as shitty as mine," I said around a mouthful of cereal. We sat in Bella's bed, munching on Cinnamon Toast Crunch. "This is incredibly unhealthy."

"But yummy!"

"Agreed. We should limit it to like, once or twice a week though. We should hit a grocery store and see what kinds of food we can get for the apartment." Bella had told her dad and while he wasn't thrilled, she was still going through with it.

"It's a little soon to grocery shop Cullen. We still have another month before exams even begin!"

"I didn't say we'd buy the stuff now." I tossed one crunchy square from my bowl at her. It stuck in her hair. "Oh shit!" I laughed, trying to untangle it. "Sorry." Giving up with my fingers, I went at it with my teeth instead.

"You're eating it? Ew, that's disgusting!" she laughed.

"But yummy. I should add some milk..."

"Don't you dare!" she squealed and held me back.

We put our empty bowls aside and I crawled towards her with a predatory grin. "You really are tasty," I said after a lingering kiss. "Cinnamony."

"That's not a word."

"Is so!" I protested. "It's an adjective. A word that's descriptive of Bella." She gave me her_ 'god, you're an idiot' _look and I laughed. "Other words descriptive of Bella...beautiful. Intelligent. Interesting. Soft." I trailed a fingertip down her arm. "Warm." My hand slid under her t-shirt. "Enticing." It ventured upwards. A small gasp escaped her lips though she was trying so hard to maintain her 'idiot' stare. "Sexy." I drawled as I lowered my head to kiss what I was about to expose.

"Edward..."

"Yes Bella?"

"Put the DVD back on."

"Tease..." I continued.

"Just put it on," she gave up and laughed.

Sighing, I removed my hand, _'accidently' _brushing against her nipple. "Fine." We cuddled up and watched the rest of the Bill Maher show we'd begun earlier.

"So what do you want to do today?" I asked when it ended.

"This." She tightened her grip around my waist and kissed my chest.

"You want to stay in bed all day?"

"Mmm-hmm."

I stared up at the ceiling. It was going to be a long day.

"You're not so into that idea huh?"

"No, that's fine...whatever you want Bella. I've never spent a day in bed unless I was unwell. Infinitely more fun to do it well," I grinned. "Be even more fun if we did _it._"

"I don't mean to be a tease Edward," she blurted out.

"I was joking. Sort of... I know you don't mean to be. It is fun flirting with you. I just might have to excuse myself from time to time..."

"You do that a lot huh?"

"Astonishingly frequent poundings lately. Don't know why."

"What do you do?"

"Huh?"

"How do you...you know. What do you think about?"

"You."

"Do you just like, get it over with..."

"Oh no. I take my time. Romance myself... I'm a great solo lover."

She smirked at my joke. "What were you going to do before?"

I gave her a confused look. "When? My morning wank? You know about that?"

"Jeez! You've already done it today?"

Um, duh! I'd been stiff pretty much constantly since the bookshop session. I fell asleep with a boner and it woke me up. "No... Well it kinda just went off. I didn't have much to do with it." I tried to look bashful and sincere. "Besides, I couldn't pee with it like that and I had to pee."

"Alright then... By the way, I wasn't referring to that. I didn't even know." She started to say something else, then changed her mind. "I was talking about... No. I need to know..." She turned around to face me. "Where did you..."

"In the bathroom."

"I know that!" She rolled her eyes. "So you're jerking off in my bathroom...were you sitting, standing? Where did it go? Is my ceiling redecorated?"

"No! Jeez Bella. I have some class."

"So..."

"Standing. More leaning really. I got it on myself okay? It's cleaned up. You won't find any gross evidence of my deviancy."

"Thanks. Now I have a visual..." She gave me a wicked grin. "Okay so anyway, just before we resumed watching, where were you going with that?"

"Oh! That!" I slapped my forehead and then shrugged with indifference. "I was just going for a feel. Maybe a little squeeze."

"Uh-huh. Go on."

"I wanted to kiss them. Suck on them for awhile. A little nibble or two. That's basically it."

"Uh-huh." She licked her lips and fidgeted with the TV remote.

"So what are we gonna watch now?" Ha! I could do it! She was definitely hot and bothered and I laid back smugly as I watched her try to compose herself.

"Ah, fuck it," she mumbled and whipped her shirt over her head. She sat in front of me, topless and blushing red. Her tongue licking her lips nervously.

"Bella?"

"Yes?" she whispered.

"Would you like me to..." I tilted my head towards her naked torso and licked my own lips. She nodded, her chest heaving with her rapid breathing. I extended one arm, fingers tracing over her breast bone lightly before moving down to circle the globes of her perky breasts. Her breathing quickened even more as I cupped one, brushing a fingertip across her already erect nipple. Taking my time, I gently explored and examined every inch of her pale, exposed flesh. "So beautiful," I said as I bent to kiss one softly, then the other.

I supported myself on one arm to gain better access, slowly licking the fleshy underside of her breasts causing her to shudder. She gasped when I sucked in a nipple and tugged it between my tongue and my teeth. "You like that?" I asked softly while I rolled her wet nipple between my fingers.

"God yes," she moaned and kissed me passionately.

"Do you want me to keep going with that?" I asked when we parted for air.

Chewing on her lip, blushing, she nodded.

I grinned and sat up. "Come here then." I put my hands on her waist to guide her closer. Much closer. And then I lifted her onto my lap. "This will be better for you. Frees up both hands." Plus it brought her boobs closer to my range easing the neck strain. I could go much longer this way. And Christ, did I want to have a long go at those...

Her hands rested on my shoulders and she raised herself slightly to position her chest directly in front of my face. I moaned myself as I sucked one side in greedily. Alternating nipple tugging with full breast sucking, I was in my element. I loved sucking tits and hers were a perfect mouthful. Her hands soon moved to my head, clutching onto me as I lapped up the Bella goodies, pressing me tightly against her or pulling me back so she could see my tongue in action. She liked to watch, I noted with a grin. She didn't hesitate to pull me from one and onto the other when she wanted a switch and I didn't complain. This side or that, didn't matter as long as I could suck and nibble.

I took no break until she dropped herself suddenly onto my pulsating rod. "Jesus!" I half cried, half moaned. It wasn't an ideal connection since it was at an awkward angle when her weight fell on it but the contact felt fucking awesome at the same time. Only my boxers and her boy-cut panties separated us. I lifted her to make the necessary adjustment and put her back gently in place. Pausing to smile at her, I kissed her full lips tenderly as I stroked her hair and bare back. "That feels so amazing Bella. You can't imagine..."

"I think I can," she smirked before taking my bottom lip between hers and nibbling on it. She then drew her tongue across it making me twitch down below. Aware of the involuntary movement, she grinned as she applied more pressure to the area that was demanding attention. I bit my lip to refrain from uttering more obscenities and let her ride at will. I couldn't, however, stifle my groans entirely. Or the grunt when she shifted and arched her back, conveniently placing a boob in my mouth while sliding further down the shaft of my boner. I sucked for dear life as she grinded, gradually quickening her pace. Fuck! I didn't want to stop but she was gonna make me come in my shorts.

"Bella..." I panted, releasing her boob and holding onto her gyrating ass with both hands.

"Don't stop!" she begged in a whisper, grabbing frantically at my head to pull me in.

I obliged and moments later she was shuddering from head to toe, completely stiff and drenched with her own sweat and my spit. As soon as her orgasm ended, she dismounted and curled up in a ball beside me. What the _fuck_? If my dick could talk it would be hollering. I took a deep breath and reminded myself not to be an asshole. It was difficult at the moment. Placing a hand gently on her shoulder, I felt her shivering. I reached for a blanket and lowered myself to lie with her, wrapping her in the blanket and my arms. I didn't speak or try to hump her though I seriously needed to hump something. I just held her and rubbed her back as I kissed the top of her head over and over. She didn't move from her fetal position or speak for a long time. When she finally shifted, she clung to me. Arms wrapped around me so tightly and her face buried in my neck.

I continued holding her in silence and eventually my dick got the hint and stopped throbbing at least. I could control myself much better if it was cooperating. "Bella?" My voice was low and hoarse. "Are you okay? You're never quiet this long."

She snortled (a chuckle/snort combo) and kissed my neck softly. "We shouldn't have..." She cut her words short.

"What? Honey, talk to me... Did I do something wrong? Please tell me Bella. I'm so determined not to fuck up but I need some help with this. What's wrong?"

She looked up at me shyly, her bottom lip trembling. "I... You didn't... You did everything I wanted you to..." she stammered, mixing her thoughts.

"Okay Bella...slow down." I shimmied further down in the bed so we were face to face. "What's the problem then? Should I not do what you want?"

She gave me a shy grin and reiterated, "You did everything... _EVERYTHING_... right. You're perfect."

"Just so we're clear, in future, when you pop your boob in my face am I supposed to not accept the gift or..."

"Do exactly what you did Edward."

"Whew! 'Cause I have to tell you that I am utterly and completely in lust with your boobs. I don't know if I'm capable of turning either one away."

She giggled now. Mission accomplished. "If you become a gynecologist, you'd have women lined up for one of your breast exams."

"Only interested in one pair thank you." I reached under the blanket and cupped one very softly. "You're fine by the way. No problems there whatsoever."

"Thank you Dr. Cullen. With you be doing my monthly checks for me?" she laughed.

"More than monthly, I hope." I grinned and kissed the tip of her nose. "Are you better now?" I asked softly.

She nodded and shrugged simultaneously.

"Which is it Bella? Yes? Or you don't know yet? Should I hold back being an idiot and stick with sensitive, considerate lover for the time being?"

"Stick with the modesty too Cullen. That works for you," she teased with sarcasm. Her avoidance to my direct question did not go unnoticed. I must be getting better at figuring girls out. Joking around should be light and intermittent. She was still struggling with something. Ah...

"Bella?" I pulled her in to snuggle into the crook between my shoulder and neck again. I really liked her being there. "Are you feeling guilty for some reason? 'Cause you shouldn't..."

"I should!" she countered, barely above a whisper.

"Why? Is it too soon? Am I rushing you?"

She shook her head and played with the few strands of chest hair that were poking above my neckline. "I've never..."

"Bella? Never what?" I froze running a hundred nevers through my mind and ending with one. "Are you a virgin?" I asked quietly.

She snortled again. "Not now."

Completely baffled I drew one hand through my hair. "Okay, I was fully present for that entire exchange and sweetie..." I lowered my voice to a whisper "...we didn't do it."

Snortle.

"Believe me, I'd know it this time. There was zero slippage. Ask it yourself if you don't believe me." I lifted my hips making her laugh.

"I know silly... I've had sex. I'm not a virgin in that sense. It's just..." She hugged me tightly again and then whispered "That was still my first time."

She spoke so softly I wasn't sure I heard her correctly. "Sorry...say again?"

"I've never... That was my first..." she was struggling so much I realized I must have heard what I thought I had.

"You've never had an orgasm before," I helped her out. In more ways than one apparently.

"No. So you're my first. But don't let it go to your head Cullen. Don't get all smug about it. It may have been a one time thing."

Christ. She knew me so well. I had been laying there feeling completely self-satisfied that I could get her off reasonably easily. Imagine if I had put some effort into it... "So," I wiped the smug grin off my face and tried to be considerate. "How was it?"

"Fucking amazing."

"Yet, you're sad about it?"

"Guilty Cullen! God..." She sat up and pulled her shirt back on much to my chagrin. "You wouldn't understand."

"Try me," I said hoarsely as I sat up as well.

She sighed and pulled at the blanket covering us. "You don't know how hard I tried with..." She fell silent.

"With Jake. You can say his name Bella."

She licked her lips nervously. "I really tried. He tried... I'd end up faking it 'cause he'd feel bad that I could never get there. And today..." She grinned at me. "Not a problem."

"Should I be sorry about that? 'Cause honestly, I'm not."

She smiled again and ran her hand along my outstretched leg. "The guilt is subsiding, Edward. And now I'm just feeling stupid."

"Aw Bella..." I muzzled at her neck. "Don't. Don't ever feel stupid with me. You can tell me anything honey. Anything."

She chewed on her lip and then a nail as she contemplated my statement. "Do you think, now that it's happened once..."

"It'll be easier for you in future? Probably. It's kinda like riding a bike. We can test my theory any time you'd like," I smirked.

She slapped me playfully but rewarded me with one of her full-face smiles. The one where her eyes shimmered and my heart melted. I smiled shyly back at her.


	21. Chapter 21

**_My thanks and credit to, as always, Stephenie._**

**Chapter 21**

We took a study break after a quick lunch. Good thing. My hormones needed the rest and my assignments were piling up since I hadn't been in the best of moods while Bella was not in my life and this week I'd been wrapped up in her and only her. She finished before me..._a recurring theme? Never mind_... And rubbed my shoulders as I finished entering the last of my data. "Done?"

I flipped my laptop shut and pulled her onto my lap. "I'm all yours. What do you want to do? Feel like leaving the room yet?"

She shook her head and nibbled on my ear. Hello hormones. Hello instant hard-on. "Movie?" I suggested, shifting myself and her to ease the mounting pressure. "And what about dinner? We'll need to eat something that isn't predominantly sugar."

"True. Okay. Video store. Take out. And we come home."

I smiled in agreement and we grabbed our coats.

"What do you feel like? Comedy, drama..."

"Porn?" I held up an improperly shelved cover with a grin.

"Jeez! Kids could see that!" She grabbed it from me and slammed it on the counter in front of the clerk. Bitch face in place, he cowered to her and apologized. "I don't even want a movie now. Let's just hang out and listen to music. Or get something online."

I shrugged at the clerk as we walked past on our way to the exit. She stopped at the entrance of Burger King but I declined, opting for the grocery store down the block. "We can grab some stuff for morning and snacks for later. This is better," I assured her.

"It'll be better when we have an actual stove," she commented as we walked the aisles. "Not much we can do with a microwave alone."

"What? Are you serious?" I led from there, dropping items of my choice in the cart. "I'm making dinner." She cocked an eyebrow at me. "Okay, so it won't be _Swan Parmigiana_, but I do make a mean Hot Pocket!" I winked as we checked out.

* * *

"I have to admit that wasn't bad Cullen," Bella said as we tossed our remains of dinner in the trash. I'd made a seasoned rice dish to go with the Hot Pockets and added frozen veggies to it. Full-balanced meal. University bachelor style. We lounged on her bed while we ate the pre-packed fruit salad we'd picked up for dessert.

"Bella," I started, sucking on a watermelon chunk. "You don't have to answer if you don't want but I've been wondering about something all day."

She popped a grape in her mouth and moved herself to lay beside me, both on our bellies, legs bent up the wall. "Ask. I'll let you know if I want to answer." She smirked and fed me another melon piece.

"Um, well when you said that was your first..."

"Oh god!" She flopped down, burying her face.

"Forget it..."

"Go on Cullen!" her voice muffled by her arms.

"Okay, well was that your first orgasm _with_ someone or first, like, ever."

"First ever." Another muffled reply.

"You couldn't do it yourself?"

"Apparently not."

"Hmm. Frustrating."

"No shit!" She finally got back up on her elbows, embarrassment in check. "I'd get so close and then..."

"What? Why couldn't you follow through?"

"On my own? I dunno. Lack of skill maybe? Lack of inspiration?"

"You should practice more," I smirked. "I've got it down pat."

She laughed before getting serious again. "With... Jake...it was just like...hurry up and get it over with."

"For him you mean? Or you?"

"Both, I guess. He wasn't into prolonged foreplay... Which by the way you excel at..." She rewarded me with a very pleasant fruity kiss.

"You're most welcome," I grinned.

She knocked my elbow out from under me, giggling. "For me it just wasn't happening, you know? No. What the hell am I saying? It's always happening for you."

"Not always!" I protested.

"Cullen, seriously. You think I don't see your ever-present boner?"

"You weren't complaining when you were sitting on it," I snapped back. It's hormones talking Cullen, I told myself. Chill.

"I'm not complaining period. I'm just stating a fact. It's easy for you. You can have one any time."

"Right...it's so much easier having to hold it in. _Constantly_. Wow. You're right Bella, it's_ so _much harder to have someone get you off than it is for me to not come. Like, ever. Except in the bathroom. Alone. Thanks for the enlightenment." I sounded grumpy and whiny and I didn't fucking care. My 'ever-present boner' was digging into the bed and my balls fucking ached.

Bella said nothing for a few moments while I sulked. "I'm sorry Edward. I'm being a selfish bitch."

"It's okay. And you're not," I mumbled. "Look, Bella, I know you're struggling with a bunch of stuff so I'm tying to be understanding. I _DO_ understand. I'd just like for you to understand my side of it. I'm not expecting anything from you. But don't belittle my efforts of restraint. It's just as difficult for me. We're just at opposite ends of the spectrum."

"I know." She laid her head on my back. "I'm sorry. And I won't tease you anymore."

"Bella..." I rolled over on my back so she was looking down at me. "I'm just being grumpy. I don't mind your teasing. It actually kinda excites me."

"See? Do you see? It's like, everything I do gets you going!"

"It does. You do." I reached up to run my fingers through her hair. "_YOU_ do." I pulled her down for a kiss, letting her set the pace. It accelerated to heavy breathing and groping on both parts. I excused myself for some auto relief before it got completely unbearable and returned to test my it's-easier-after-the-first-success theory. Test completed with success, she dozed off in my arms while I stared at the ceiling. This girl had better be worth it, I repeated to myself again and again. And then prayed for the second time in a week. _Please don't let her be fucking me around. If she's sincere, I'll stick it out. I'll be whatever she needs me to be. And I'll be patient._

As if an answer was supplied at once, Bella shifted in her dream-filled sleep and murmured my name with a sweet smile.

Be patient Cullen. Be patient.

* * *

Bella and I continued getting to know each other better over the next few weeks. I would have momentary bouts of grumpiness due to sexual frustration but for the most part, I could keep it in check. Bella, on the other hand was getting extremely comfortable with her new-found sexuality and had also divulged more of her background here and there, helping me understand where her inhibitions stemmed from. An over-protective dad who was part-time up until a full-grown teenaged girl came to reside with him was the root. She didn't want to trouble him in any way. And he wanted to be able to control her somewhat. The son of a trusted friend seemed ideal for his daughter and she had gone along blindly.

Bella had related stories of her and Jacob to me in quiet moments alone. I encouraged her to talk freely as it could only help her resolve her feelings of guilt. I had to admit he sounded like a good kid. But a kid. He was a bit younger than her and in many ways more immature. But it did seem that he was good to her. I had a feeling I would like him if we were to meet under different circumstances.

She admitted that her tongue piercing was an act of rebellion. Her dad hated it and Jacob was disgusted. I called him a knob for shunning it - personally, I found it really fucking hot - and she chastised me with a soft grin for being rude about him.

I felt bad. In all honesty, I left most conversations involving him feeling really sorry for the guy. I wondered how he coped with losing his girlfriend and best friend all at once. It didn't seem like they had any contact currently, as Bella always spoke of him in past tense and I wasn't about to be a possessive jackass and ask her if she was still communicating with him in any way. I was working on a new thing; blind trust. God, I hoped I wouldn't get kicked in the ass for it.

* * *

Bella was texting when I arrived with dinner at the bookshop. She quickly ended it and greeted me with her usual huge smile and a quick kiss across the counter.

"So my parents are coming down this weekend," I advised her as we ate our burgers. "You'll finally meet them."

She took a long swallow of her Coke. "Oh god! What if they hate me?"

I laughed at her question. "Silly Bella. Nobody can hate you. Besides, they're anxious to meet the girl they hear so much about."

"You talk to them about me?" she grinned.

"Me... Emmett... Alice. They practically know you already. Relax. It'll be fine." I rubbed the back of her hand before placing a soft kiss on it.

"So Cullen, tell me, what do they think I am to you? How do I act? Like a roomie? Am I your friend? Or... more?"

"_Everything _Bella. You're my everything." I'd given up trying to keep my feelings in. I knew I was putting myself at risk for a huge heartbreak but it was worth it. I'd felt her opening up to me more and more as I let her in. And so I leapt into the unknown.

My parents arrived late Friday afternoon and my brother and I met them for dinner. Bella was working and Alice had a late meeting with her psych professor. Just as well, we hadn't had a family dinner since Christmas. After dinner, they would be meeting with Alice's family who lived an hour or so away and were driving down to spend a late evening together. We made plans to meet at the new rental house first thing in the morning so they could finally meet my Bella.

I stopped and picked up a mocha for Bella and planned to take her out after work so she could eat. "Hey," I called as I entered and saw her heading to the back of the store, phone in hand.

She waved and said something into her phone before covering it with her hand. "I thought you'd be with your parents tonight," she said as she approached me. No usual smile, no kiss.

"I was. Dinner's over. I thought we'd do something after you finish work."

"Oh. Um, I'm actually really tired. Can we skip it tonight?"

"Okay..." I replied hesitantly. "Everything good?"

"Yeah yeah. Just need some sleep so I don't look like a hag tomorrow. Are we still meeting in the morning?"

I looked at her in confusion. "Yeah. That's the plan. Bella, we can talk about this on the way home."

"I might be late getting out. I don't want to keep you. I'll just see you tomorrow okay?"

"Yeah?" I raised an eyebrow at her. "Sure. If that's what you want..." What the hell? I always walked her home. Alice popped into my head. _'Give her space Edward. Don't push her or you'll fuck it up.' _I gave her a polite smile and small wave as I left.

A block from the dorm, I texted her: _'Call me when you get in so I know you're safe. Or sex text me. Or something. XX_' I held onto my phone awaiting a reply that didn't come. Hmm. I decided to backtrack and remind her in person.

Victoria was there when I returned and we chatted while Bella was with a customer. She extended another invite to go for dinner once exams were over. Agreeing, I asked her once again to relate a message to Bella for me... to check her messages and call. I took another glance down the aisle at Bella who was involved in a deep conversation with a huge guy. "I should wait?" I asked Victoria's opinion on the matter.

Smiling, she gave me a little shove. "Honey, she doesn't need her boyfriend monitoring her customers. Besides, I'll be here. I'll be sure to give her your message, I promise."

* * *

_A/N~Things may get a bit messy for our perfect couple. Storm is brewing... Stay tuned!~SR_


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

I'd had nothing but sex dreams for the past several weeks. That night, the strange ones returned. This one was located at the house I was about to move into. But it wasn't the same house. It was a combination of the chem building and my parents' house, the one I'd grown up in. They were there waiting for me, as were all my friends. They looked at me approaching with trepidation. It was then I noticed the wrecking ball. It was swinging. Screaming, I started running to make it stop. Everything I had was still on there! My books had to be saved! I cursed myself for always handwriting anything of importance because computer files could be lost. Deleted. Why the fuck hadn't I backed up my poetry journals on the computer?

"Edward stop!" my mother cried out. "You'll get hurt if you don't stop!"

"My things... I need my..." The steel connected with the side of the house and it was instantly dust and rubble.

"Don't look sweetie." Esme gathered me in her loving arms to comfort me.

"It's broken," I sobbed.

"I know baby. I know." She stroked my hair as I wept on her shoulder. "Don't look."

"I can still get them! Maybe they're just buried..." Maybe Bella had gotten them out. She knew how important they were to me. Bella... _Where's Bella? _I looked around frantically as my mom and now my dad as well restrained me in their tight grips. "Bella!" I cried out as the rubble exploded.

I sat straight up, struggling for air. My entire body was shaking and drenched with sweat. Feeling nauseous, I bolted for the bathroom but only managed some dry heaves. I sat on the floor while it passed and tried to regulate my breathing. I decided to go for a run since there was no way I'd get back to sleep. An hour later, I returned to shower and dress before meeting Bella. She hadn't called last night. I'd only received a brief text saying goodnight. That's probably why I had the stupid dream... I'd been worrying about her when I'd fallen asleep. I texted her while I waited for our coffees at the cafe by her dorm. She was waiting for me on the bench outside when I turned the corner. The big guy from the bookstore was standing beside her. Big...he was fucking huge! My heart pounded and bile rose as I took my last steps towards them. Time seemed to slow to a crawl and my feet felt like anchors. Bella stood when I was a few steps away, looking at me with pity? Remorse? Fear? I couldn't decipher and I was having a hard enough time just trying to breathe and not retch as I stood in front of her.

"Hi," I managed to choke out in a voice that didn't sound like mine. My heart pounded in my ears and I wasn't even sure if I had said the solitary word aloud.

"Edward..." Bella whispered as she reached out for my arm.

Instinctively, protectively, I pulled away.

"This is Jacob," she said quietly before addressing him. "Jake, Edward."

_Fuck!_

He gave a curt nod but kept his lips tightly pursed.

"Um, my dad couldn't come... So he asked Jake to come check out my new place. And roommates."

I nodded. Heart thump thump thumping. Don't puke Cullen. Keep it together. My hands were trembling, spilling the hot liquid over the rim of the lids. "Well Bella," I found my voice. "I wish you had said something. I would have bought three." I placed the cups on the bench where she'd been sitting and turned to leave.

"Edward!" Her hand was on my arm.

I took a glance at her without turning around and she circled to come in front of me, not letting go of my arm. We stared at each other for several heart thumping moments. "I'm gonna go meet with my parents. They're waiting," I said stoically. "Guess I'll see you two there."

"Edward, please don't do this," she pleaded in a whisper.

"Do what?" I hissed. "React?"

"Jake, we need a few minutes," she said, not taking her eyes or hand off me. "There's a coffee shop around the corner, can you wait for us there? Please?" He obeyed. Like a fucking puppy. Jesus this girl was something else. She had both of us cock-trained. "Edward I'm so sorry I didn't get a chance to warn you."

"There was ample opportunity Bella. You chose not to," I accused. "Why?"

"I thought I could convince him to go home," she explained.

"That didn't work out so well. Clearly."

"He's stubborn." Bella released my arm, but not my gaze.

"He's well-trained," I snapped. "But at least he wasn't walking around blind today. He does know about me right? You told him about us?" Finally, she looked away. Damn. That couldn't be good. "Bella? He knows, right?"

"He kinda does now. He saw your text last night." I stared at her, incredulous. "I know I should've told him..."

"Bella, my parents are waiting for us. Waiting to meet my girlfriend. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? And this_ kid_..." I gestured toward the cafe. "This poor kid just found out his girlfriend has... What am I supposed to do about him?"

"I'm so sorry..." A tear rolled down her cheek.

"You know what? _DON'T!_" I yelled. "I don't even know who you are Bella." I shook my head at her and sighed. Calming myself, I looked at the ground rather than her as I spoke. "So I'm going now. As I said, you and Jacob can come by whenever. I'm sure he'll have to see the place to report back to your dad... He doesn't know about me either, does he?" I looked up briefly. "No. Don't answer that." I opened my mouth to continue but changed my mind.

"We have to talk about this Edward."

"Yeah. We do. Unfortunately there's no time." My phone rang. Dad. "Oh sorry I can't pick up right now Dad. My girlfriend and her boyfriend just threw me under a fucking bus!" I said through gritted teeth.

"Edward..."

"Don't worry Bella. I'll calm down before I get there. I'll tell them some story and they'll still love you when they meet you. I'm not about to break their hearts." I left her standing in tears as I brushed past her. Oddly, my own eyes were dry. Apparently I don't cry so much when I get fucked over. It's only when I self-destruct.

And the wrecking ball was swinging.

* * *

I put on the best act of my life that morning. Apologizing to my parents for being late, I explained that Bella had an unexpected visitor so our plans would have to be scrapped. They were disappointed but understanding. We went for breakfast and then toured the house. Esme made a list of all the things she wanted to pick up for us and Carlisle made suggestions and offered things we could take from home to use here. We were in the kitchen with Jasper when Bella and Jake showed up.

"Esme, Carlisle, this is Bella and Jacob." Esme gathered Bella up in a hug immediately. Carlisle shook hands with them, smiling his greeting.

Jasper pulled me aside. "What the fuck Edward?"

I shook my head. "Later." He whistled through his teeth as he looked at Bella with sadness. She gave him a pleading look in return and quietly introduced "her friend Jake" to my friend. Jasper, being Jasper, played median and kept things in a light mood for us.

"This area here," he spread his arms out as he whirled around the rec room, "will be on a sight-seeing tour someday. The legendary room where Eclipse hung out in the early days. And right upstairs is where the classic lyrics were penned. Good times, good times."

"You and Rosalie will keep these guys in line," Esme smiled beside Bella.

"You know Rose?"

"Of course! Jasper is like our third son. Rosalie is family as well." She wrapped an arm around Bella's shoulder and gave her a squeeze. "Bella, I have a dressing table that would look so cute in your room. Would you be able to use it?"

Bella glanced at me before responding. "You don't use it yourself?"

"It's a dust collector at this point. The boys refuse to have it in their rooms for some reason," she winked at Bella as she elbowed me. "I'd love for you to have it."

"Thank you Mrs. Cullen. That's very thoughtful."

"Esme," my mom whispered with another shoulder squeeze.

"We had planned to take you three out and buy some furniture," Carlisle added. "I guess this isn't the best time for that. We should wait for Rosalie perhaps?"

"You're buying us furniture?" Jaz grinned. "Thanks Pop!"

Laughing, Carlisle tossed his car keys at him. "There's some already in the vehicle. Go check it out _son_." Laurent had told us we could store things in the already vacated upper apartment so my parents had loaded up the Escalade to get us started.

"Man, it is so cool having rich surrogate parents," Jasper joked. "I mean, generous surrogate parents." He gave Esme's cheek a kiss on his way past and pulled me outside with him to check it out. "Spill dude. Is this _THE_ Jacob? The one Bella was with before?"

"One and the same."

"Shit. I didn't expect him to be so big! And what is he, like 14?" I smirked at Jasper's comments because they were so similar to my own thoughts. "What the hell is he doing here anyway?" Catching my downward gaze, Jaz let out a groan. "Oh man...don't fucking tell me they're..."

"I don't know Jaz," I cut him off. "This was just sprung on me. I don't have a fucking clue."

"Shit..." he muttered as he lifted the tailgate so we'd appear to be checking out our gifts. "You alright?"

"No. Kinda numb right now... I've gotta make Carlisle and Esme go home. I can't keep up the show much longer."

"Leave it with me Edward," Jaz slapped me on the back. "Tonight? You and me? We're getting shitfaced. Deal?"

"Deal." I gave him a crooked thanks-man-but-I'll-sack-you-if-you-make-me-cry grin.

Bella was waiting at the curb when I came back down for the last of the stuff to be stored upstairs. "Are you okay?" she asked softly. Funny, she actually looked concerned.

Staring at her blankly, I replied in a very calm voice. "I'm not fucking okay Bella. This is not okay."

"Can we go somewhere and talk this out?"

"No. I'm entertaining my parents. And you've got your own shit to deal with." I leaned against the bumper and shoved my hands deep into my pockets. They were balled up into fists. "Look, I'm seriously not okay with this. This isn't a good time to try to talk to me. I'll work through my shit but you have to do the rest on your own. Deal with Jake, Bella. Until then, I'm out."

"Okay...I will. I am," she sniffled. Tears. More fucking tears. "Um, this sounds like a stupid question, I know, but should I even be continuing with this plan to move in?"

I shrugged. "Do what you want. We have a rental agreement. That stands. I don't care one way or the other." With that, I left her at the curb, still crying. Inside, I went to find Jacob.

"Bella's outside," I told him. "I think she's ready to leave." Jake gave me a skeptical look before nodding. "It was really good meeting you Jacob," I shook his hand and then added quietly, "Take care of her."

I was quite astounded that I was managing to get through this without completely fucking losing it. The only visible sign of my distress was my trembling hands. That did not go unnoticed by Esme.

* * *

_A/N~Okay, seriously, who wants to comfort poor broken Edward? Doesn't your heart bleed for him? But I'm so proud that he's grown a set and is sticking up for himself for the moment. Group hug for him? ;) ~SR_


	23. Chapter 23

**_Thanks to SM and best friends around the world. Everyone needs a friend like Jaz._**

**Chapter 23**

"All is not right Edward. You can pretend all you want but I know you. Should we have a talk?"

"It's fine Mom," I flashed a grin. "A lot of stress lately. I'll be fine."

"Bella's sweet. Very quiet." I nodded, not trusting myself to speak at the moment. "It's too bad we didn't have more time with her. Her friend could have joined us for dinner."

"That's okay Mom," I scoffed. "I don't think he would've been too excited about that."

She eyed me carefully and made up her mind. "Let's go son. You and I are going to have a talk."

Outside, I debated my options. Would I rather be trapped in the car with my mother's burning questions, or go for a walk while we talked. Could I trust myself to keep moving one foot in front of the other? Better to sit, I figured. I sat behind the wheel, eyes fixed on the knobs and dials waiting for the onslaught.

"Edward, you've been talking about Bella all semester and I presume that you have feelings for her. You've never actually stated the level of relationship you have with her though."

"Mmm," I mumbled. "We're not labelling."

"Mmm," she mimicked.

"Mom, are you worried about us sharing this apartment? 'Cause she does have her own room. You saw it."

"Edward, don't treat me like an out-of-touch biddy two steps from the old folks' home," she teased.

Smirking, I apologised and flicked the vent on the dashboard open and shut to occupy my hands. "Seriously though, this isn't a shacking up thing, it's a roommate thing."

"But you are dating..."

I started thinking about our double date with Sam and Ell a couple of weeks earlier. Our only official date. And maybe last...

"Edward?" Esme's voice softened. "Honey... I'm not having this talk with you to be nosy or judgemental. I'm not a prude you know."

I smiled back at her. "Separate rooms Mom."

"You care for her."

I nodded and managed a raspy, "A lot."

"I see that hon." She took my free hand in hers. "I also see something's not right. Today you didn't act like the boy who's been gushing over the phone about this girl. Or the boy who ran out before dessert to go see her last night. Do you want to talk about anything Edward?"

I gave her hand a squeeze before I let it go and gripped the steering wheel. "We're in a rough patch right now."

"The boy with her, Jacob..."

"They've been friends forever," I interrupted.

"And more. Or he wants more."

"Mom..."

"You saw it too. Admit it. Honey, he's no competition for you. He's a boy."

I knew she was trying to make me feel better. It was having the reverse affect. "I feel bad for him," I confessed.

"It's hard meeting your crush's partner, true. And he seems like a sweetheart. I don't understand why he'd come here knowing you'd be around if he wasn't comfortable with it..."

"He didn't exactly know."

Esme's head snapped my way. "Pardon?"

"I said, he had no idea about me."

I avoided eye contact but I could see she was getting ready to fume from the corner of my eye. "She didn't tell him? How long have you been seeing each other? Months now, right? And she didn't _TELL_ the boy she's involved with someone?"

Okay, so Esme nailed it but it stung to hear anyone speak ill towards Bella. "They used to date. Or something. Whatever," I explained quietly. "She's having a hard time ending it I guess. He's very devoted. Or something."

She turned her body to face me. "_Edward Masen Cullen! _You aren't telling me you've been involved with this girl while she's involved with someone else. You _CAN'T_ be saying that because, my god Edward, we've raised you better than that! How could you be with a girl like that Edward?"

"It's not as bad as you think Mom..."

"Is she dating Jacob?"

I nodded. "There's history. Like I said."

"And you as well..."

"I care about her..."

"I get that! But for god sake Edward, wait until she's done with the other guy! Monogamy is the only way to have a successful relationship."

"I know," I whispered. Better to take her screaming at me about being a dick than admit the shame I felt. Better she not know that Bella had used me. For whatever reason, it was still important to me that they accept Bella and learn to love her as I had. "It's taking forever for him to get over it though. I couldn't wait."

"Edward!" Esme cried in disbelief. "I thought you were so different. That you'd never grow up to repeat your father's bad behaviour... That DNA wasn't responsible for being a cheat..."

"Dad cheated?"

"What?" Esme looked shocked. "No! No. Carlisle is the perfect husband and father. He's never had any indiscretion."

"Then what did you mean?"

Esme looked flustered. And suddenly uncomfortable. "Nothing honey. I was just babbling. I was upset..."

"Mom? _What. Did. You. Mean_?" I asked forcefully. "Mom? Tell me!"

"Honey... I should get your dad. Carlisle should be here..."

"For what Mom? What aren't you telling me? _Mom?_" I watched her wring her hands and in my head the wrecking ball struck. "Carlisle's not my father, is he. That's what you're trying not to tell me?"

"Honey... Let's go find him. The three of us will have a talk."

"Who is he?" I was frozen and fuming all at once. Another fucking lie! "Mom, I deserve to know. I need to know!"

"Edward, Carlisle loves you. I love you. You _ARE_ our son."

_BOOM! _Ashes and dust. Rubble. "What are you saying?" I was struggling to breathe, I had to get my words out quickly before it was impossible to speak any longer. "Are you telling me neither of you are my parent? _MOM? _Are you saying my whole fucking _life_ is one big lie?" This can't be happening, I told myself. This is another one of my dreams. Just another fucked up dream. _Wake the fuck up!_

"Honey, I'm so sorry..."

Not a dream.

"We should have told you, not have you find out like this..."

"Who are they? My parents." Back to a frozen state.

"Your mother was Elizabeth. My sister."

"Sister? You have a sister?"

"Had, sweetie. She died."

I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. "And my father?"

Esme shook her head, tears in her eyes. "Edward, I know this is a shock, but please listen to me. You are every bit as much our son as your brother is. I may not have given birth to you, but I was there, in the delivery room. I was the first to hold you. I fell in love instantly Edward. You were so beautiful. So perfect... There was no question that we would raise you as our own when Elizabeth..." She sobbed into her hands as I held on tightly to the wheel in front of me as my world spun around. "We love you Edward. From your very first breath, we've loved you."

"Um. Yeah. I know." I steadied my breathing to choke a few words out. "I uh, I have to go..." I yanked the door open and fell to the ground in my haste to get away.

"Edward!" Esme cried out as she quickly got out and ran to my side. "Honey, don't go... Stay and talk about this. You, me and your dad."

I shook my head. "No. I'm okay. I just really..." I looked up and down the street, hoping for a helicopter to land so I could escape. Or Spiderman to swing by and scoop me up. "I need to go now Mom. Sorry." I gave her a kiss and fled by foot.

Detonation. The blast in my head was deafening.

* * *

Jasper found me sitting on my bed, staring blankly at the wall ahead. Carlisle had dropped him off, telling him nothing other than I'd need him. I related my story to him emotionless, as though it were someone else's.

"Fuck. Dude, this is one seriously shitty day for you."

"Tell me."

"Your dad... Carlisle... said to tell you they'd be in their room all day. I'll go to the hotel with you. I'll even go up with you and stay if you want me to."

I shook my head. "I can't. Not yet."

"They're still your parents man..."

"They fucking lied!" I yelled.

Jasper held up his hands. "I get it. You need time. That's cool." He drummed his hands on his legs. "We should go for a drink. Yeah?"

"I'm all for that."

Jaz convinced me to at least let them know I wouldn't be coming. I texted Carlisle, telling him I was okay and I'd call in a few days when I'd absorbed the shock. He texted back his love and understanding. So fucking sweet. Liar! This was after my fourth feel-better beverage. I switched to shots for the next bar we hit.

"Jaz! Man come on! You're falling behind buddy. Keep up! Keep up!" I slammed my shot glass down for a refill.

"I'm cool just tagging along my friend. Someone's gotta make sure you make it home in one piece."

"Pfft! I'm already broken man!" I slumped in my seat, cradling the shot glass. "When did the whole goddamn world turn into fucking liars? Or is it just me? 'Cause I live a fucking lie, everyone sees me as a doormat. Lie to this poor bastard! He doesn't have a fucking clue!"

Jaz patted my shoulder. "One shitty day dude. Get it out. Tomorrow will be a whole new day and we can sort it out."

"Why though? Seriously, it's not even like I've lost my girlfriend _and _my parents. I never had 'em to begin with!" I slurred. "I have LIES! That's it. I'm surrounded by liars and cheats. Jaz? Do you lie to me too? Tell me the truth. Don't fucking lie now. I'm onto it." I tapped my forehead. "Gonna patent the first internal fucking lie detector. Can I call it that, do you think? Internal Fucking Lie Detector..."

"Couldn't advertise on prime time... We'll work on a media friendly name."

"Have you Jaz? Have you lied to me too?" Aw shit. I could tell from his face that he had. Not him too...

"Sorry..."

"When? Just tell me Jasper. Get it all out, right buddy?"

"Okay... Remember our first gig? We were deciding what look to go for and you asked if you looked like a 'tard?"

"Yeah! Dude, you told me straight that I looked stupid! You're my only friend."

"I lied to you." I wasn't following. "I was lying, Edward. I didn't want you looking cooler than me."

Smirking, I pulled him into a bro hug. "My only fucking friend."

"And remember when.."

"There's more? Fuck Jaz!"

"Listen! Remember the first time we got high? You puked all over my jacket..."

"Yeah! Yeah! The cleaners wrecked it! I remember..."

"They didn't. I lied. It still reeked even after I got it back and I tossed it. I was super pissed. I loved that jacket!"

"Aw! Fuck man! I'm really sorry..."

"Let's not repeat that tonight okay?" he laughed.

"Sure sure. No problem. Any more?"

He looked up as he pondered my question. "Nope. That's about it I'd say. You cope with truth amazingly well. I've seen no reason to lie."

I stared at him for awhile. Then hiccuped. "I love you."

"I know."

"Yeah." The next hiccup was more reflux than air. "Uh..."

"I know." Jaz took care of me.

* * *

_A/N~Thanks for reading and reviewing. I love feedback! :) Watch for the next chapter where we'll see a slightly different side of Edward. Soon! ~SR_


	24. Chapter 24

**_Edward, and all other character names are SM's. The different faces of Edward shown here are from my imagination. _**

**Chapter 24**

"Seriously Bella. I don't think you want to do this tonight." I listened to Jasper talking to Bella at the door to our room. I was resting my head on the cool porcelain bowl. Germ-free porcelain. My friend. And Jaz. My best friend. I couldn't make out her words, only Jasper's deep drawl. "Honey he's totally smashed. Beyond wasted. It's no use."

More mumbling. I rose slowly and gargled the dead skunk taste from my throat.

"Give him a few days..."

I opened the bathroom door and leaned against the frame as I took in every inch of my Bella. Every expression on her face. Fuck she was beautiful. "Beautiful liar."

"Edward?" Bella's eyes flew to me. _Had I said that out loud? _"Jaz, let me in. Please?"

He looked to me for furtherance. I nodded. "Well, I'll take a little walk. Give you two some privacy. Bella? Please call me when you leave? I don't want him left alone."

She nodded and closed the door behind him. "Edward..." she whispered, tearing up.

So beautiful. So vulnerable. So deceptive. I hated the sight of her and loved her at the same time. Wanted her gone and yet, in my arms. She shouldn't be here. _I _shouldn't be here. The various emotions slammed through my body as I struggled to sober up enough to get through this. I wanted another drink. I should tell her to get the hell out. I wanted...I needed answers. What I really wanted was for the past 24 hours to just fucking evaporate, but that wasn't going to happen.

"Is he gone?" I asked from my post. "Jake. Not Jasper." She nodded. "Is it over?" She nodded again and wiped away a tear. "Shit. Bet he coulda used a night out too... " I swayed a little and Bella rushed to catch me if I toppled. I grinned as she braced me upright, one tiny hand on my waist. Like she could catch my fall..."You pushed me over."

"No Edward. You're not steady. I'm helping you."

"No no no. You lied. You fucking lied... You pushed me. You broke me." Tears flowed at a steady pace and I watched them fall with fascination. "Do you only cry when you get caught in a lie my Bella? My beautiful liar?"

"Edward... I didn't lie to you."

I smiled as I brushed my fingers down her wet cheek. "You're lying now my love." Hated her. Loved her. The combination made my insides ache.

She shook her head, turning it to kiss my hand. It burned. "I'll tell you everything Edward. Everything. What do you want to know?"

I swayed a bit as I shifted positions, crossing my arms across my chest. "Was he still your boyfriend when you left home?"

"Yes."

"And when we met?"

"Yes," she said more quietly.

"When we kissed that first night? At the party?"

She licked her lips and lowered her eyes. "Yes," she whispered.

"I need a drink." I brushed past her to get to the fridge.

"I don't think you should drink right now. You've had a lot already."

I held up the bottle of water I'd extracted. "I'm dehydrated." Taking small sips, I felt secure it would stay down. For now. "So it wasn't a lie when you told me you didn't regret that night? You had a boyfriend back home, but you were chasing guys out here...you'd rather paint yourself as a whore than a liar?" I shrugged. "Fair enough." I registered the pain in her eyes from my words and it felt like victory. Good. She needed to fucking hurt the way I was hurting.

"I explained that to you. Do you remember?"

"Yeah! I do!" I laughed. "Funny thing though Bella...I don't recall you saying _'he's still my boyfriend'_. Seems to me it was told in past tense." I took another swig. "True?" She nodded. _I _nodded. "Still say you didn't lie to me?"

"I didn't."

"Hmm. Fine line between truth and _fucking bullshit!" _My raised voice startled her. Better. Jaz told her this wasn't a good idea. Heh. Deal with it baby. "Is he still your boyfriend Bella? Is that why he came out here this weekend? Did I fuck things up for you by being me? By texting the crap we've texted each other for fucking months? Amazing - all this time I knew I could easily fuck myself up, didn't count on doing it to you too. And Jake...poor kid. He's really kinda innocent in this. I do feel bad about him."

"I told you why he was here. My father asked him to come. I didn't! He's not my boyfriend!"

"But you didn't send him away," I smirked, drawing near to where she stood. "Did you want a showdown? Were we supposed to fight over you Bella? Or did you just want both of us totally fucked up?"

"No," she sobbed. "I didn't want this. He doesn't understand! Edward, I told him it was over. He figured I needed time..."

"Bet he didn't figure you needed another dick." I sucked on my lip as I leaned down over her. "You lied to him too."

"I didn't tell him I was in... about you, because I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I already had! That's the _truth_ Edward!"

"The truth... ahhh. Finally! So let's have it Bella! While you're feeling truthful... Did you fuck him this weekend?"

Her eyes widened as I glared down at her. "We're not together anymore..."

"That's not what I asked," I whispered in her ear, drawing my fingers through her silky hair. God she smelled good.

"No. I didn't," she replied in staccato.

I nodded, still playing with her hair. "What about before now?" She _felt _good.

"I don't understand..."

"_Before. Now_." I enunciated. "When did you last fuck him Bella? Before or after you started fucking me around!" My voice boomed and she cowered, face in hands. "Is the truth finished? We're done with that? No answer... Sweet little liar..." My fingers twisted in her hair. I had the urge to yank on it, forcing her to look at me. Forcing her face upwards so I could see her deceiving eyes. Her lying lips. God help me, I wanted to kiss those lying lips.

"It was before we had that fight okay?" she blurted between sobs. "When I accused you of fucking around with Tanya...because I felt like such a shit that I wanted you when..."

"When you had a fucking boyfriend!" I finished for her, letting go of her hair so I wouldn't be tempted to do any of the things I wanted to. "God Bella! You made such an ass of me. I poured my fucking heart out to you because I thought I'd screwed up. It was you!" I screamed. "Did you think of me when you were fucking him?" I lowered my voice and spoke into her ear, my nose brushing against her hair and then her cheek.

She sobbed loudly into her hands. "Why are you doing this to me Edward? I'm trying to explain..."

"I wanna know! Because you'll fuck a guy you're supposedly not remotely interested in romantically, but the guy who gets you off 3 or 4 times a week, you won't even fucking touch! How do you think that makes me feel? Am I that repulsive? Unlovable? I wanna know... I wanna know Bella..." I collapsed down to the floor. "Am I wasting my time loving you? Do you want a live dildo so you can get off on the memory of being with me while you're with your boyfriend?"

Bella stood frozen in place.

"Bella?" I called out. "Still with me?" The room was spinning. "Bella?" I whispered.

She stooped down in front of me, brushing my hair back. "I think we need Jasper. I'm gonna call him." She typed in a quick message before stroking my head once more. "You'll be okay sweetie. We'll keep talking. We'll get through this."

Her voice was soothing. Her cool hand even more so. "Bella?" I whispered.

"I'm here baby. I'm here." Her cheek was against mine and I felt like my skin was melting away. Just a pile of bones left. Rubble.

"Bella? Am I just your fuck toy?" I passed out in her arms.

* * *

The next three days were spent cycling. Waking up hungover and in pain. Once it subsided, misery and pain. Pouring alcohol on it made the pain subside so I relished the numbness until I'd pass out. And so it went.

_THUMP THUMP THUMP_

Oh no. Not this again... It was my first sober day and the hangover was atrocious. I'd been attempting to sleep it off but the fucking thumping!

"Edward!"

Wait. Not my head this time. I hauled my ass out of bed to find Alice and Emmett at the door.

"Don't you answer your fucking phone?" Emmett pushed me aside and stormed in.

Alice smiled and waved. "We brought food!"

"Thanks," I motioned to set it down. I gave her an attempt of a smile back and returned to my bed.

"Well? Phone?" Emmett yelled.

"Shhh!" I covered my head with my pillow. "Don't yell."

He grabbed my cover and leaned over my prone body. "I've been calling you for three fucking days shithead!"

"Shhh!"

"Emmett...be nice," Alice whispered.

"Where's the phone? Edward? Where's the goddamn phone?"

I reached my arm down into the trashcan at my bedside. I rooted around and pulled it out. "Ah. There is was." I threw it at him.

"I talked to Dad."

"Yeah?"

"And you disappear? Just drop out of contact? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Emmett!" Alice hissed.

Emmett grabbed me by my shirt and hauled me up. Jasper came in while I was being manhandled. "Hey, you got Edward out of bed! Great. Damn this room stinks!" He threw open the window letting fresh air in.

"Yeah, it's a little funky," Alice agreed, scrunching up her nose. "We brought Chinese!"

"Cool! You guys rock."

Emmett completely ignored the civilized exchange between our friends, glowering down at me. He released and shoved me back onto the bed simultaneously. "Do you have any idea how worried I've been?"

"Sorry cous'," I smirked, because I am a smart-ass that way.

"Don't start that shit with me asshole! You're my brother. Period. I don't give a shit who gave birth to you... you're _MY_ kid brother."

"Geez Em. Don't have a coronary..."

"Do you know what my very first memory is? You. Biting me."

"Yeah, well you probably deserved it."

"It fucking hurt, so I yelled. And then Mom gave me shit for making you cry! I had a crescent mark on my wrist for a month but apparently making you cry was worse." He mimicked Esme. "_'Edward's such a happy baby. He never cries Emmett. What did you do to him? Edward, the perfect baby. The perfect child, student, son...never caused any trouble...'_"

"What would she say if she had walked in a minute ago?" I couldn't help but grin.

"She'd say grow the fuck up. So you're adopted. So fucking what Edward. You have been a pain in my ass as long as I can remember but I wouldn't change a thing man. Not a single thing... We're brothers. Always."

"Em?" I stared up at him in utter shock. "Are you crying?"

"So?" he sniffed.

"So...I honestly didn't know you cared so much," I admitted.

"Well I do okay!"

"Em?"

"What!" He wiped his face on his arm.

"I love you."

"Fuck off."

I smiled, a true smile, for the first time in days. "Okay. But I still do." I looked over at Alice and winked. By her expression she hadn't expected this from Emmett.

"Edward," she said softly as she approached us. "We all love you. Don't shut us out. We're here for you, whenever you need someone." She knelt in front of me and took my hands in hers. "Any time, night or day, just call. God Edward... I hate seeing you hurting!"

I held her back as she came in for a hug. "Don't get too close Alice. I haven't showered in..." I gave it some consideration. "Awhile."

"Don't care!" she sang out as she grabbed me. "I love you just as you are Stinky." She planted a kiss on my head before messing up my already disastrous hair. "We all do sweetie. Your parents, Em, Jaz, Bella..."

My head snapped up at the mention of her name. "How..." I swallowed deeply. "Is she okay? We had a fight."

"I know sweetie," she said softly as she rubbed my cheek.

"She told you." I balled up my hands into fists and rocked back and forth. "I can't... I won't be able to fix this. Not now. I can't even fix myself at the moment."

Nodding, she kissed me again. "She's dealing. You deal with your stuff and it'll all come together."

"Does she know... Did you tell her?"

"Not my place. That's your story to tell when you're ready."

"I'm not ready to deal with the whole Bella/Jake thing right now."

"Until you are, my advice to her has been and will be, _'Be patient'_."

I smiled warmly at my friend who always had advice worth listening to. "I love you too Al."

"Ahem..." from across the room.

"Not to leave anyone out, come over here Jaz and get some lovin'!" Alice giggled.

"Blah, blah, blah," Emmett, back to his normal self, grumbled cheerfully. "Can we eat now or what?"

* * *

_A/N~Sorry, but my heart's still bleeding for the poor guy, even though he was an ugly drunk this time around. He'd never know he's so loved._

_On another note, having some computer issues so updates may be delayed, please stick with me! And thank you thank you thank you for reviews - love 'em!~SR_


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

I sat back and watched as they dug in, passing around the containers to share. Every person in this room means so much to me, I thought. And every one of them could lie and turn me to rubble again. I refused the dishes offered to me. I really had no appetite. Instead, I opted to shower - for the sake of my friends if not my own sense of hygiene.

They left after making me promise to charge my phone and return calls. Emmett wanted me to go home with him for the weekend. I said I'd consider it. Jasper, seeing I was in better spirits went to band practice. Alice returned on her own while I jotted my random thoughts down for later use.

"I brought you a care package," she smiled when I opened the door for her. "I didn't know you'd be so bad off Edward. You usually keep it so together."

"Pfft! Maybe I should be in acting school..." I chuckled. "Seriously Al, it's an illusion."

"Even now?"

"Even now."

"Right now?"

I gave her a pensive look and a sigh. "You don't want my baggage."

"Spill. I'm not leaving 'till you do."

"What's in the bag?"

"What's in your head?"

"Tell me what you brought me and I'll tell you what's on my mind," I bargained.

She pulled out some mainstays - Hot Pockets, a book, some mineral water and vitamins since I looked "like shit". Most importantly, clean sheets. I hugged her ferociously. "One more thing," she reached into her bag. "From Bella." She passed me my poetry book that she had been reading. And a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. "I don't approve of either but she said you'd know what the cereal meant and that you should read this book." She shrugged and turned away to strip my bed.

_Why would I read my own book?_

"I'm listening," Alice chirped as she put the fresh linens on for me.

"Alice... I wanna get out of here. Let's go somewhere." She cocked an eyebrow at me. "Let's go for a walk or something," I clarified, realizing I wasn't being very articulate and could have meant something more permanent. We strolled through the campus yard as I tried to release some of what I was feeling. "I've never felt more confused..."

"Totally understandable. You were handed a lot in one day."

"Yeah, but what's weird about it? I've also got clarity on a lot of things like why I've always felt alone. And different."

"That's just you sweetie. You are different and we love you for it."

"Alice," I whined. "It's more than that. My eyes, for instance. Everyone's got blue eyes. Why the hell are mine green? Why are they all so physically adept and I'm a klutz? There's so much more but you get the idea right?"

She nodded as she linked arms with me. "At the end of the day Edward, does it matter what colour your eyes are? Sweetie, what matters is what's behind those eyes. You're still the same person you were before you knew. And you know what? Your family loved you even with green eyes." She hip-checked me and giggled.

"I know... but it made me think about a lot of things Alice. It explains more than the physical differences. My whole life has been one big lie. It's no wonder I chose to live one myself. It's all I've known...even when I didn't know. Does that make any sense?"

"You'll make sense of it. I know you. And you'll turn it into a beautiful song too."

"Hmm. About that... I'm thinking I don't want to follow through with the lies. Now that I know I'm not who I thought I was, I want the chance to find out who I want to be. Who I am."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm dropping pre-med. Med school period."

"Edward! You're almost done! And you've got the TA job..."

I nodded as she listed off what I knew. "All stuff I didn't really want. I've always done what's expected of me, what I think people want me to do. I want to do what _I_ want for a change."

"Is that anything destructive? 'Cause I'm willing to be supportive of whatever you choose, but I'm not gonna let you hurt yourself." Her eyes pooled with tears as she held me in place on the park path.

I smiled my crooked grin and gently brushed away a tear. "I want to write. And maybe take some film production classes. I want to create an outlet for all my fucked up moods and emotions. I'm sick of labs and formulas. I'm sick of being someone I'm not!" I looked up at the stars rather than into Alice's dark glistening eyes. "Can you support me with that? 'Cause I really don't want to hear what I _should _do right now."

She wrapped her tiny arms around my waist and tucked her head under my chin. "I'm so with you."

* * *

Phone's charged. Damn. Three days of silence when it was dead in the trash can had been nice. An all night charge revved it up for the onslaught the next morning. Alice, Sam, Alice again, the library... shit, I didn't return that book... where's that book? I began the search under my bed and moved on to the closet floor, ignoring the incessant ringing. When the fourth call from Professor Davis rang through, I figured he was pretty determined and wouldn't let up so I answered.

"Edward! So you are, indeed alive."

"Yes sir," I replied sheepishly. "Sorry I haven't called in."

"Right. About that, are you interested in continuing with this course? If so, I'd suggest you produce yourself and a doctor's note this morning. Say, in an hour?"

"Actually sir... I don't want to waste any more of your time." I knew it was wrong to quit on him over the phone after all he'd done for me these past three years but what choice did I have?

"I'm not joking Edward. I want you in my office in an hour."

"Sir? I'm not coming back."

"Edward? I didn't hear you correctly..."

"You did sir. I'm sorry."

There was a distinct pause of shock from his end. "One hour. If you're not in front of my desk in one hour, I'll be coming to you." He disconnected.

Shit! I briefly considered not showing up. It was my choice, no one else's. But I did owe him an explanation at least. I was leaving him in a bind. I grabbed a quick shower and a handful of Cinnamon Crunch before heading to the science building. Arriving early, I waited in the area outside his office. Elbows on my knees and chin resting on my hands, I nervously shook my leg as I anticipated a battle. I was determined not to back down. I would take a stand and be forceful, yet respectful. I could feel my emotions boiling. I wasn't sure which would surface and I was certain I'd have zero control over whichever dominated.

"Good! You're early," Professor Davis stormed in as he always did. The man wasn't capable of walking slowly. He dismissed the student he had been talking to during his jog from the lab and tapped my shoulder. "Come on in. Have a seat son."

Son. Pfft. I'm eveyone's fucking son.

_And no one's._

I sat. He sat across from me, hands folded on his desk just watching me fidget as I waited for him to begin. He let me wait. And wait. After a long, silent stand-off, he finally addressed me. "Something's going on I presume. You don't look unhealthy but you're not well either."

"Family issue," I mumbled.

"I see." He leaned back in his chair, the springs groaning loudly as they always did.

"I won't be able to see this through. I know you were counting on me but things have changed and it's just not going to work. I'm sorry."

He furrowed his brow in concern. "It's quite a serious issue then?"

I nodded. My emotional instability due to my family issue was serious.

"Son, there are things that can be arranged for qualifying students. Scholarships wouldn't be a problem for you."

"It's not about finances."

Now very concerned, he leaned forward. "Are you ill Edward?"

"No sir... I know this is sudden and unexpected, but I've decided to take a different path. Away from medicine," I told him quietly. He seemed too concerned to blow up at me so I held back on being forceful.

"A different path," he repeated my words to me. "Edward, we are two weeks from finals. Would it not be a better idea to finish this year and then decide your path?"

"Honestly? I don't see the point."

Sighing, he ran his hand over his beard. A habit he had while in thought. "Edward... I won't sit here and try to convince you you're wrong. I believe this is a mistake you'll regret but you are a bright young man so your reasoning must be sound. I will, however, tell you that you possess a brilliant mind for science. I've never seen another student grasp every aspect so completely."

"I've learned so much from you Professor..."

He waved his hand impatiently. "I'm not fishing for an ego stroke. You are gifted Edward. Believe that. Furthermore, I've yet to know a more promising med student than you. I would, myself, trust my life in your hands. My family's as well, but I digress. I can't change your mind for you."

I swallowed a lump. Please, no tears. Not here. Not now. "Thank you sir," I choked out.

"Here's my suggestion... Hear me out and then you can decide. Take a leave. I'll write you an excuse for the remainder of term. Go home. Be with your family and work out whatever the problem is. Talk to your parents. Your girlfriend. Take the time to sort through the issues but complete your final exams and go from there. Can we agree to that son?"

I couldn't reply without babbling and weeping so I said nothing.

"Edward?" he implored softly. "A mentor is for more than course study and career advice. If you want to talk, my door is always open. Take my number." He jotted down two phone numbers and his home address. "Call or come by, anytime."

"Thank you," I whispered, head tucked so far into my chest I thought my chin may split my collarbone. "You've been more than helpful. More than understanding. I... I don't really deserve any of this..."

"Nonsense!" he grinned at me. "But if you wish to repay my kind generosity... Exams Edward! Think it over."

"I will sir. Thank you." I stood to leave, figuring he'd said his peace and there was nothing left.

"Email me a copy of your course schedule Edward, so I can get you excused across the board. I'll pull some strings and make exam arrangements for them as well."

"Seriously? You'd do that?"

"Once everything is arranged, I'll send you your schedule. Good luck son. I wish all the best for you and remember I'm available any time." He shook my trembling hand and gave my shoulder a good squeeze before he left me.


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26 **

That hadn't gone at all how I'd expected. I stumbled out of the building and walked aimlessly as I thought over everything he'd said. He'd been my mentor for two years and I had always respected him; valued his opinion. The fact that now, when I had clearly disappointed him, he'd shown only concern and offered guidance, catapulted him to the top of my hero list.

"Hey you!" A set of arms wrapped around me. I hadn't seen Alice approaching, I'd been so lost in thought. "You're looking better today. Did you actually go to class?"

"No. I met with my mentor."

She pulled a face. "And..."

"He's awesome." I couldn't put into words how the fifteen minutes I'd just spent with the man I'd spent thousands of hours with prior had affected me. "Hey, you doing anything now? Wanna get some coffee maybe?"

Alice smiled up at me and put her arm through mine. "I'll buy."

We went off campus, to the place Bella and I often stopped at after work. Alice bought us coffee and I bought us a fruit salad and chicken wrap to share. It felt like my appetite may be returning. "So how are things with my brother?" I asked once we settled at a corner table.

Grinning from ear to ear, she couldn't hide her happiness. "Can I tell you something Edward? I don't know if I should really say it..."

"I'm all about honesty these days Al. If you feel it, say it."

She tilted her head and stared at me for a moment. "For awhile, I wondered if I'd made a colossal mistake with you. One that I'd regret for a lifetime. When we drifted apart, you have no idea how desperately I missed you."

"I missed you too Alice. Honestly," I replied softly.

She shook her head. "No honey, you don't understand." She stopped and played with the lid on her coffee cup. "When I met Em, I liked him. But I wasn't seriously into him until I knew he was your brother. For the first couple of weeks afterwards, you know how I have to analyze EVERYthing..."

"To death!" I grinned.

"Well I wondered if my attraction to him was based on you. You know, you always want what you can't have. It's an age old custom. And then I started pondering fate..."

"Oh Christ!" I groaned. "Here we go with your everloving 'Lady Fate'."

"Did I meet Emmett to be reunited with you or were we always meant to be friends? Hmm."

"Hmm," I agreed.

"I mean, I made a mistake falling for my best friend, a bigger one admitting it. You never admit you like a friend as more than a friend right? Kiss of death!"

I sat in stunned silence. I couldn't have heard what I thought I'd heard. I had to be misunderstanding.

"Shit. I'm gonna blow it again bringing up old history." Alice buried her face and peeked between her fingers to see what level of discomfort she had caused. "I know I freaked you out back then. Thank you for giving me another chance and for not telling everyone that I made an ass of myself."

Not hearing wrong after all. Seems I misunderstood Alice long before now. "There was nothing to tell on your part. It was me. And I did worse than you." No point keeping secrets now. Best to air it all out. "I did confide what an ass I was to a few friends. So there you go."

It was her turn to be stunned. "What are you saying? You know what I'm talking about right? The night I threw myself at you..."

"The night I didn't run."

"But you did! So to speak... you didn't um, follow through. That meant you weren't into me that way so... yeah. That's fine. I got it. It killed me that you couldn't even be my friend after that."

"Alice, you got it all wrong," I chuckled. "I stayed away because I couldn't handle that you weren't into me that way."

"Are you fucking with me?"

Smiling, I shook my head. "Never fuck with your best friend."

"I took that soooo differently a year ago," Alice laughed. "Seriously? You wanted more...with me?"

I hesitated to weigh my options. She had hurt me. Badly. She was now dating my brother, who was completely nuts about her. And I had mega unresolved feelings for her best friend. What would I gain here by being honest? Integrity. I wouldn't be a hypocrite. "Yeah. At the time..." I looked up at her rather than the straw I'd been playing with. "I was pretty crazy about you. I can't believe you couldn't tell."

She looked sincerely stunned. I believed she was speaking the truth. "I didn't have a clue... God! I'm an idiot!"

"Mmm. Two of a kind, you and me."

"Why didn't you say anything?" she asked softly.

Laughing sarcastically, I ran my hand through my hair. "Because I have this routine, apparently, of falling for girls who aren't done with their old relationship. I'd finally worked up the balls to confess when I ran into you and your ex that day, remember?"

"Of course. The beginning of the end as I recall. But he was my ex...why did you back out?"

"My ego wouldn't allow me to continue, I guess. Hearing you tell another guy I was just your buddy kinda stung. More than stung, actually. I couldn't cope with rejection straight on."

"I'm such an idiot..." Alice buried her face.

"I'd planned...hoped...to be able to keep our friendship, regardless of my bruised ego." I omitted the shattered heart. I think she got the picture by this point. "It was just too much. I'm sorry Al. I took the coward's way out. I never meant to hurt you." I spoke softly, sincerely. This was good. It would be good to have no walls between us.

"I hate that I hurt _you_! I guess we're even huh?"

I returned her smile sincerely. "Even and still friends. Amazing!"

"Who did you tell? Oh god, tell me you didn't tell your brother!"

"Hell no! Can you imagine the teasing I would've got? No, Jaz knows. And Sam. Jared and Ty kinda knew I was into you but not the details or anything."

"Whew! Okay, that's fine."

"And Bella."

She cocked an eyebrow. "_I_ didn't even tell Bella. And she's never let on that you said anything..."

I couldn't help but grin. Proof of one thing Bella didn't lie to me about. "So, have you determined your destiny? What is fate playing at here Alice?"

She got into her excitable mode. "Okay! This is the best part... I believe that Fate, in all her glory, handed me a full house. I've been given this super hot guy who's a total romantic goofball..."

"No way! Emmett?"

"You don't know that side of him Edward," she giggled. "I'm totally into him."

I smiled sincerely, holding my friend's hand. "You're good for him Al. Lady Fate was right."

"And best of all, being with the big marshmallow has given me my best friend back."

"Guess the old broad is pretty cool after all huh?" I grinned. "When did you determine all of this?"

"When I saw how you are with my other best friend," she admitted with a soft lilt in her voice. "Edward, you two are meant for each other. I know it."

I gave her a sad grin in response. "Yeah. It was pretty great there for awhile."

"Edward, do you factor Bella into your new life plans at all? Is she part of what you want?"

"God..." I laid my head on the table, full of angst. "Never admit you've fallen for a friend remember?" I mumbled beneath my arms.

"Edward...don't be ridiculous. It's blatant that you care about her. Why deny it?"

"Because," I said slowly as I raised my head. "I want her more than any of the rest and it scares the shit out of me."

"Why? Talk it out Edward. It'll help."

"My personal analyst," I smirked.

"Pfft! Whatever. You want her, she wants you. It's not rocket science Mr Rocketman."

I nodded and bit down on my lip. "Alice, promise this stays between us okay?"

"Sure, of course!"

"Promise you won't tell her?" I waited for a nod of agreement. "This whole thing started with her. I was so fucking pissed at her when Jacob wrecked the big weekend. I convinced myself that she had played me. Played us both, actually. I told her I was done with her until she chose one of us. And then my mom started questioning the relationships and I felt stupidly protective of Bella... I lied to my Mom. Well, I let her think that I knew about Jake all along and I didn't care; that I wanted Bella so much I couldn't leave her be while she sorted her old relationship out."

"Sweet," Alice grinned.

"Yeah, except that's when my mom flipped out and ended up letting it slip that I was acting like my father and then I guess she felt stupidly protective of Carlisle and well, all the lies were exposed."

"I guess family is much more than DNA. You're just like your mom. Esme, I mean."

"Aunt Esme?" I smirked.

"Your _MOM_ Esme. And see, you're like your dad _CARLISLE_ too because you weren't being a selfish pig. And you lied too Edward, now that you mention it. You lied to your mom to begin with!"

"I know," I sighed. "I know that. I guess I'm being hypocritical."

"Bella didn't lie to you. She did break up with Jake that weekend she went home after your first falling out. It's been over since then. He knows it too. He just hopes she'll change her mind, you know?"

"I feel so bad for him," I admitted to Alice as well. Damn if I didn't have a soft spot for a kid that I also hated.

Alice crinkled up her nose. _"Blah!"_

"What's that mean?" I chuckled.

"He's a child. I never liked him with Bella. I mean, he's a decent enough kid, but you two are so right together. He'll get over it. Especially now that he's met the real deal!" She kicked me under the table. "Work on it Edward. This is important. And fixable."

* * *

_A/N ~ This is merely the beginning of Edward facing his issues head-on. He's got a busy week ahead of him! Keep reading ;) ~ SR_


	27. Chapter 27

**_I haven't given proper props to Steph lately, I apologize. So there. Jack gets them for this chapter as well; my inspiration. _**

**Chapter 27**

The outpouring of un unconditional support I was receiving left me overwhelmed and even more baffled as to what I should do from here. Truth be known, I wanted to wallow a bit more before I resolved to deal with any issues that required fixing.

I flopped on my bed with the box of cereal from Bella. Damn this was good shit. I gazed at my recently returned poetry book lying on my nightstand for days now. Wondering what Alice had meant, or moreso, what Bella had meant by the message that came with it. Curious, I reached for it. Something loose fell out as I pulled it towards me. Jesus, I lend my book and she's careless with it. Returning it damaged? I wouldn't have expected that. I laid out to retrieve the fallen page but when I brought it up, it wasn't a page of my book at all. It wasn't paper of any sort. It was a pressed flower. _What the fuck? _Examining it closer, I thought it looked exotic. Why had Bella used _my_ book as a flower press? It certainly wasn't something I'd given her. I'd never given her flowers... Shit. I was a poor excuse for a boyfriend.

No. I was _never_ her boyfriend. I had no obligation to be thoughtful.

Then again, if I had been, perhaps I would _be_ her boyfriend.

_Focus Cullen. _

So I did what I always did when I was having distraction issues...created deliberate distraction. My thumb perched over _Icky Thump_, I paused and hit play all songs for The White Stripes. I set the flower aside and flipped through my book. It had little sticky flags throughout. Probably something Bella had done while she read it. I read the flagged ones to see which had captured her attention. Damn, there was a theme going here... they were all based on growing. Changing. I continued flipping and came upon a loose page. Not mine, and not another flower. This was from Bella. I took a deep breath as I read:

_Dear Edward,  
I took the liberty of marking some of your own words that could be beneficial to you. I know they were for me, personally. I hope you'll read them with fresh eyes and see what they meant to me.  
Also, enjoy your snack. Sometimes doing something that isn't exactly the best thing for you is the best thing at the time.  
__**We all need to do something...  
React**__ Edward. Please react.  
With love, Bella  
_  
React? What, she wanted me to confront her again? After the last horrible words we had? Bella! What are you saying baby? I went back and read the marked poems again. Was there a reference I was missing? The closest thing was my poem about acting out of necessity rather than want, and then acting out because of it. I knew I needed to grow up, my brother had already pointed that out to me. But Bella didn't know anything about that... I must have said something I wasn't remembering when we argued. I allowed the music to distract me from my slow madness and smirked. "Bella, you're the hardest little button to button." I sang along with Jack for awhile before returning to her letter.

_We all need to do something... _Shit! I reached for the flower for another look. A grin spread across my face as I realized this wasn't in there accidentally. It was a blue orchid, intended for me. That was a line from the White Stripes song she was quoting. I knew it, but put _'Blue Orchid'_ on for a listen with fresh ears, to go with the eyes she wanted me to use. I understood her message; _I_ was her white orchid. The poems she had marked had a theme of change, sure, but more than that, they were about lost innocence. About being pure and true only to end up jaded by one single event. A white orchid, turned blue by betrayal. God, she was clever.

I picked up my phone and texted her: _'You fight dirty. Using Jack's words to get to me. But you are exploring your White Stripes. Good one. You got a reaction.' _

Her reply came almost instantly. _'Can we talk? Please?'_

_'We will.' _I typed back. _'I need some time. But we will. Soon.'_

_'I'm so sorry'_

_'Bella... Goodnight. And thanks.'_

I turned off my phone and curled up with Jack's lullabies.

* * *

Turned out I was only lulled into a nap and I was wide awake and suprisingly refreshed at 3 a.m. Slipping out of the room quietly, I went for a long walk. I had no destination in mind but my legs took me automatically to the science buildings. Letting myself into the chem lab, I took a look around at the place I'd put thousands of hours into. Fresh eyes allowed me to see the challenges, the opportunities here rather than the tedium. I sat at what was to be my desk, if I were to be Davis' assistant and put my thoughts onto paper.

I set out to compose four letters. First, to my Bella, for she deserved an apology. And I needed a place to begin mending what had been broken.

_Dearest Bella,_

_Thank you for your gifts. It took some time to fully understand the sentiment, but I think I've caught on. You're quite crafty, mixing my words with Jack's. Thank you Bella. For showing me what I've known all along, but forgotten. _

_And now, my apology for that ugly exchange we had our last time together. There are no words to express how deeply sorry I am. Too drunk to contain my hurt, but not so drunk that I can't remember what was said... I could spend a lifetime showing you how much I regret the words spewed in anger. If you'd let me. You didn't deserve that Bella. We have all made mistakes. _

_Things have changed exponentially since I met you. I've grown and changed. And yet while there is more change to come, it all remains as it was, as it was meant to be ~ I know I'm being cryptic. When I get it sorted, I'd love the opportunity to sit with you and tell you all. _

_For now, know that meeting you, being with you, was the brightest star in my night sky. The perfect snowflake on my most wintry day. You've taught me so much Bella...that I take stars for granted, still expecting that they're there when they're clouded over. I know now that they don't shine for me. They simply ARE and it's a gift to me to feel like I'm part of their space. Without that awareness, they can turn to snowflakes... Tiny, sparkling particles of beauty that both amaze me and scare me to death. You've taught me that loving a snowflake can be the best thing in the end._

_Since you've been doing some musical exploring, are you familiar with this:_

_**Come and sit and talk with me awhile  
Let me see your pretty little smile  
Put your troubles in a little pile  
And I will sort them out for you...  
**_

_It's worth a listen. _

_Goodnight my snowflake.  
Yours, now and always, Edward_

__Sealing her letter, I wondered if she'd know _'Apple Blossom'_, or even bother looking for my reference. I'd been surprised that she knew _'Blue Orchid'_, so I didn't know what to expect.

I tackled Emmett's the next, as I knew what I wanted to say to him and what he needed to know but wouldn't stand be able to hear directly from me.

_Emmett,_

_I've known you close to 22 years now. Have you ever even seen my hand writing? Well you have now and you're welcome. I know you'd rather me do this in writing than a face-to-face ordeal. _

_You need to know a few things:  
First, as a big brother, you've been a pain in the ass too. That makes us brothers, officially right? I'm not giving you back now so you're stuck with me. _

_Second, you're probably my best friend. I don't know if we'd be friends if we weren't brothers, but I'm damn glad I never had to find out because I wouldn't be me if it were any different. _

_Third, I needed your big brother kick in the ass the other day. More than ever I needed straightening out and you got me thinking more clearly. _

_You spoke of your first memory...want to know mine? Sitting on the floor of our playroom. Remember it? It was always a mess. I learned to tell time in that room from watching the clock waiting for you to get home from school. I would spend hours trying to build towers like you could. You could do anything and I wanted to be just like you. They'd always fall down on me. I knew that as soon as you'd come in, you'd sit with me. Move a few blocks around and make me feel like I'd built something amazing. You did that for me all the time Em. Don't think I don't remember you always picking up my pieces. And building me up. The best part of my days. Of my life. _

_There is no brother like you in the world Em. I'm so fucking proud to claim you as mine. _

_Love you man.  
Your eternal pain in the ass, Edward  
_  
Noticing the time now, I wrote to Davis next as I wanted to leave his here.

_Sir,  
I want to apologise for letting you down. I know you must be horribly disappointed in me after all the opportunities you've handed me. I'm sorry for the let-down.  
More importantly, I want to thank you for the same. I deserved to be screamed at, fired and tossed out of your program the other day. Instead, you handled me with deep regard and I can't express what that meant to me. I didn't expect that.  
I'm planning to tie up my ends and I'll return in a few days to give you my final decision. Thank you for everything Professor. You've been more than patient. More than understanding. More than a mentor. _

_With deepest respect,  
Edward Cullen  
_  
I sealed his in an envelope and left it on his desk. The other two completed letters were packed in my bag as I hastily exited the lab. I ran to the building next door to catch Alice on her way to class.  
Giving her a hug, I told her I was leaving. She misunderstood and burst into tears at once. "Just for a few days Al," I reassured her. "I'm going home. I need to clear things up with my parents. And I need to know about my... my life before this family."

"Go easy on them Edward. They love you so much. They never meant for you to be hurt."

I smiled and stroked her teary cheek. "I know that. You remind me every day. Thank you."Reaching into my bag, I removed the other two envelopes. Each marked with their owner's name. "Um, would you pass these on for me? I'd do it myself, but I have a train to catch."

"Sure thing sweetie," she smiled as she read the names. "Take care." She pulled me into a tight hug. "Call me the minute you get back! And I you need to talk while you're there..."

Kissing her cheek, I eased out of her hold. "I know I can reach you anytime. Thanks Alice. Love you."

I ran for the train station, with only my backpack and my mixed up thoughts to travel with.


	28. Chapter 28

**_For the use of character names, my gratitude to SM._**

**Chapter 28**

Once settled on the train, I texted Jasper to let him know I hadn't been abducted. And then I settled in to write the most difficult letter.

_Dear Mom and Dad,_

_We will have spoken in length by the time you read this, but there are some things I wanted to say beforehand. This is difficult for me. I'm writing to my parents...the people who raised me and made me the person I am today. Yet there's a part of me that feels like a stranger, a tag-along. Someone that needs to write a thank you note.  
I know this goes against what I wrote first. Children don't often send their parents thanks. Perhaps we should. Perhaps no parent knows otherwise what they've meant to their child. _

_Esme, Mom, do you know you are my harbour? There has never been a time that I couldn't turn to you. No matter what I'd done wrong, you would help me fix it. You'd fix me. Countless times over the years, you've fixed me. Knowing now that you're an adopted mother to me, your borderless love astounds me even more. I feel the same towards you Mom. You are my heart. My safest place. My home._

_Carlisle, Dad, do you know that you're my hero? I think back to any time I needed you, you were there for me. No matter how busy you were, you made time and never made me feel like an intrusion. Remember the day you took me on a tour of the hospital? I felt like I was your most prized award as you introduced me to everyone, from the administrator to the maintenance crew. That was the day I knew you were the best man I'd ever know and I wanted to be just like you. You're my inspiration Dad. As a doctor. A man. A father. _

_You've both given me the best examples of how a family should be. I've wanted, my whole life, to grow up and meet those standards. I'm trying to have your unlimited patience and understanding Mom. And Dad, I'm working on your dedication to medicine and devotion to family. I'm sorry that I've slipped up with those. You've taught me better than that._

_In closing, I want you both to know I feel privileged to be a Cullen. To be your son. I know it's a gift, not an accomplishment, but I'm proud of it none the less. I hope to make you proud to be my parents as well._

_With all my love and respect, always,  
Edward  
_  
There. How I feel about them, from the heart. Not knowing what would transpire during our visit, I needed them to know all of that.

* * *

Carlisle was waiting for me on the platform. I'd only texted him that I was coming after Jasper's text. And he was here. Huh. Amazing Dad. Amazing.

"Thanks for meeting me," I said as we hugged.

"Thanks for coming! Your mom was thrilled when I called her." I saw a discomfort in his eyes that I'd never seen before. He was always calm and confident. This had left him shaken as well. "Let's collect your bags and head home shall we?"

"Uh, this is it." I held up my backpack. "Last minute travel," I shrugged.

"I see. Well, Esme always has things stored at the house for you boys. I'm sure you'll get by."

Ah. The use of 'Esme' tipped me. He wasn't sure how to address themselves to me. I smiled to ease his worries. "How is Mom?"

His tension eased noticably with those three words. "Worried, son. She's worried about you. I hope you'll be staying awhile? I've cleared my schedule for the next three days but did warn them it may be more. I want to give you all the time you need."

I stopped in my tracks with an overwhelming urge to cry. Carlisle turned back to see what was keeping me. I hugged him fiercely as he came back to me. People stared at the spectacle of me sobbing in my fathers arms on the train platform.

"We'll get through this son," he consoled me, not letting go until I did. "Take all the time you need. We're here for you."

"I'm sorry," I choked out.

"You've nothing to be sorry for Edward. Nothing." He looked directly into my eyes, my soul, as he spoke to me. "Son, you are our whole world. There is nothing we wouldn't do for you."

"I know that Dad. I know that..."

"Are you ready to go home or do you want to talk some more first? We could go somewhere. Just you and I."

I smiled through my tears. Shit, I was so sick of crying. And it seemed to be a regular thing for me lately. "Home. I just wanna be at home."

Esme stood on the porch, watching for us. She bounded down the steps and across the drive when we pulled up. I clung to her for dear life when I got out of the car. "Thank you for coming Edward," she said into my chest as she got control of her own sobs. "I was so afraid you'd leave us. Don't ever do that honey. It would kill us."

"I'm here Mom. I'm here," I spoke soothingly as I kissed the top of her head.

Inside, she had prepared a late lunch for us. We kept a light conversation flowing as we ate together. I helped clean up before we went to sit in the garden with our coffees. They had a sprawling backyard on the property, complete with a pond and small wooded area, separate from the pool area and vegetable garden. Stepping out, I recalled the games of hide and seek. The midnight swims when it was too hot to sleep. Even Esme rocking me to sleep on the swinging bench for nap times. I truly had been privileged. And I was behaving like a spoiled brat. I told them as much as we sat on the patio.

"You've had a big shock honey. You're hurting. That's nothing to do with being a brat. And you're loved, not spoiled." She winked at me as she had done countless times when she was indulging us. _'Have another brownie boys. They're made with mom's love. They're good for you.' *wink* _

"I'm over the shock now. Reaching acceptance."

Carlisle smiled. "Someone paid attention in psychology class. The natural healing process." He nodded with approval as his thumb traced the rim of his coffee mug. "But you want details now. That's why you're here."

I nodded. "I need to know so I can close that book. You are my family and I love you both... with all my heart... But, forgive me, I still need to know where I came from."

Carlisle took Esme's hand and kissed the back of it when she began the story. "As you now know, your mother was Elizabeth, my little sister," she grinned, a sadness in her eyes.

"What was she like?" I whispered.

"Hmm. Liz was curious and inquisitive and quick to laugh. She was easy to be around, if she knew you. She kept to herself for the most part. There were only a handful of people she let truly know her." Esme paused as a smile formed at a memory of something left unsaid. "She was my best friend," she whispered.

I reached over and took her other hand, giving it a squeeze. I knew this must be difficult for her, but I had to know.

"She planned to go into social services. She was always better at helping other people deal with crisis than handling her own."

"She had crises?" I asked softly.

Nodding, Esme took both of my hands in hers and smiled sadly into my eyes. "Liz had some emotional issues. She felt everything, good or bad, it seemed, ten times more than anyone else. When she felt good, she poured sunshine. Just being near her you'd feel energized and happy. But when she was sad... hurting... Edward, she didn't know how to deal with that. She simply lacked the coping skills and ability." She faded off, gazing into the woods behind me.

"Esme honey, how about some of that cinnamon cake you made yesterday. I'd bet Edward would love that." He kicked me under the table when I began to protest and moved quickly into Esme's vacated seat once she was inside. "Edward, I have to talk to you about something. Esme is very emotional about this, it's better if it comes from me."

Intrigued, but more than a little frightened of what else I was unaware of, I nodded. "Tell me, please. I need to know everything."

"Esme feels that Elizabeth may have suffered from a bi-polar disorder. Impossible to diagnose post-partum, but she spent endless hours researching none the less. She wanted to know - for you."

"In case I'm crazy as well?" I stated bluntly. Jesus, it just kept getting better.

"You're not crazy Edward. I don't believe your mother was bi-polar either. From what I observed of Elizabeth, she was simply an extremely caring and emotional young woman who internalized far too much. Other... substances... didn't help that matter. Still, to appease Esme, I did watch over you closely. I'm not an expert, so I had one evaluate you. Do you remember?"

I thought back. There was a case study I was involved in, as a favour to a friend of Carlisle's...the head of psychiatry at his hospital. Christ! "Aro."

Carlisle smiled and nodded. "He did a full evaluation of you when you were very young and felt you had none of the indicators. Still, he's also watched you closely. You've noticed how he always takes interest in your feelings when he makes small talk at gatherings over the years? Freebies."

"And the case study. That was another evaluation then?"

"No son. That was truly a case study. He asked you because you'd been evaluated very young. He has never felt there to be an issue for concern."

I nodded, accepting the diagnosis of my apparent sanity. "But Mom is still concerned?"

Sighing, Carlisle leaned forward, folding his hands on the table. "She will always be concerned for you. Currently, this is more a matter of how you'd react to another lie. Son..." He turned to face me. "Sometimes things must be done in a covert manner. Technically still a lie. I'm not absolving myself. We felt it better that you weren't aware of our concern in this regard."

"I understand. I sometimes feel a little mad. If I'd known there was a possibility I actually could be loony, I'd probably have made myself completely insane. Why tell me now?"

"Because you've asked for the truth. You can handle this now. No more lies son. From here on out, I'll tell you anything you want to know. Edward, you're a much stronger person than Elizabeth ever was. You cope extremely well." Heh. He was the second person to tell me that; Jaz being the other. Funny how I'd always felt the opposite to be true. I guess you never see yourself as others do.

"Here comes Mom," I announced and we both rose to help her. Dad opened the door for her while I took the tray she carried. "So tell me what she was like growing up," I urged Esme once she finished serving our cake. I thought that would be safe to discuss with her. "Did you two fight like me and Em?"

Smiling, she swatted my arm. "We were very much like you and your brother, but our mother certainly never had to break up any brawls. There was the same age difference so you know how that is with a sibling. There are times when you feel very close and other times they're a nuisance. All in all, we really were best friends."

I spent the evening listening to tales of a young Esme and Elizabeth. There was laughter and tears and a small whole filled inside me. I knew who my mother was. Where she came from. I didn't know her, but I loved her.

* * *

_A/N ~ And so, broken Edward has a mother. And a beginning of a sense of who he is. But there's still so much for him to learn. Will he ever see himself as others do? And if he did, would he still be so special? I don't know... More soon! ~ SR_


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

Had enough to eat honey?" Esme hovered over me at the kitchen table. I'd sleep soundly, waking to the smell of bacon frying. It was after noon.

"I'm stuffed! Thanks Mom." I kissed her cheek as she leaned over to take my plate away. Carlisle winked at me as he caught her smiling.

"I have some photos for you to look at, if you'd like to Edward."

"Of my... of Elizabeth?" Was I supposed to call her my mother? Would that upset Esme?

"Of your mother, yes," she smiled, appreciating my sensitivity. She leafed through an album, pointing out locations, giving ages or dates when she could recall them. "As you can see, she was quite beautiful. And you have her hair."

"Uncontrollable?" I quipped.

"You got it!" she laughed as she tousled my unruly mop.

"What's this?" I asked when she flipped the page. "It looks formal."

Esme nodded, her slender finger tracing over her sister's image. "Senior prom. That's James. They started dating senior year." I cocked an eyebrow. Could this be my father? I'd gotten the impression from that first day that my father had never been involved. "Liz was crazy about him. Too much so. She fell in love with him and hung on his every word. He was very controlling."

I grinned crookedly. "You didn't approve, big sister."

"Not in the least. He got her involved in things she'd never even been tempted to try."

"Drugs?" Carlisle had mentioned substances and her mood swings.

She nodded. "She ended up putting aside her desires for university because of him as well. She went, but didn't complete the first year. And after missing the enrollment deadline for the next, he left her."

"Nice," I snorted. "She didn't go after him did she?"

"No sweetie. Big sister intervened," she smiled. "I got her away from James' crowd but she had been emotionally marred. Beaten down by his actions."

"He beat her?" I asked softly. I hated the thought of my mother being abused in any way.

"I don't think so honey. It was verbal and mental abuse. He left her feeling useless and betrayed."

"Good riddance then right?"

She smiled as she flipped to another page. "Missing course enrollment, I suggested she take part in a field study instead. There was a group of students, volunteers and aid workers going to Sri Lanka. That's them on the beach. They did more than sun themselves," she smiled. "She found herself again and her desire to help people in need overweighed her own grief. She also met a man who fell deeply, deeply in love with her." Pointing to another snapshot, I examined this new man. Was he my dad? This was pathetic, searching crowds of unknown faces for a sign of myself. "He was a few years older. Not a student. He was there to give aid where he could and kept a journal. He planned to publish his first book based on this journey."

"A writer?" This would explain a lot! I felt an excitement growing inside and began looking for resemblances with him in particular.

"Writer, photographer...he did several documentaries after this. But we're jumping ahead."

I nodded and let her tell the story at her own pace. Carlisle sat with us, quietly supporting his wife.

"She returned a different woman. Confident, happy and in love."

"With the writer..."

"Edward adored her," she spoke slowly, her eyes holding my gaze. I swallowed deeply at the mention of this man with my name. The lump stayed. "They planned to marry, travel together, build a life..."

"But?" Please don't say I came along and ruined it.

"But James was a selfish bastard and couldn't stand that another man made her happy."

"Oh." My spirits fell. James again.

"He convinced her he'd changed. He was her first love..."

"She went back to him!"

Nodding, Esme wiped away a tear. "Edward was heartbroken. We'd grown very close to him and we kept in touch."

Carlisle nodded his agreement. "Edward was her saviour. A good guy." Seeing Esme in tears, he took over for the next part. "James reverted to his old self not long after she had returned to him. This time, she took a stand and left him on her own will."

"She went back to Edward." I stated hopefully.

"Not immediately. She discovered she was pregnant, son. With you."

I absorbed the information while they watched on. "So James is my father," I said in a raspy voice that sounded nothing like me. _Shit._

"He is, in biological terms only. Esme and I have talked about this Edward, whether to tell you the absolute truth... Because if you look on your birth certificate, your father is Edward Masen."

I blinked back tears and shook my head. "I... I don't understand..."

"Edward sought her out, still in love with her. He married her though she carried another man's child. He made the commitment to raise you as his own." They gave me a few minutes to take it in.

"How old was I when you took me in?" I was working through some theories in my head. I needed a timeline.

"You had just turned 5 months old," Esme whispered. "Just a baby."

"Why? If he made a commitment to be my father, why didn't he follow through?" I felt an anger I couldn't explain. And then was hit with a new thought. "Did he die too?"

"No, son. He did what was best for you."

"He didn't want me after my mother died, is that it?" I struggled to contain the emotion building up. Until a few days ago, I didn't even know of Elizabeth's existence. Edward was brand new to me and nothing biologically, yet it left a bitter sting that he abandoned me.

"Honey, he loved you so very much," Esme spoke up now as she gently rubbed my back. "You were every bit his son. It was difficult when Liz died."

"He suffered survivor's grief," Carlisle explained. "He had taken you out for a walk, to let Elizabeth get some rest. It was a late summer day, not too hot for you, so he took you to the zoo."

"I was what, 2 months? That's ridiculous!"

Esme shook her head. "He took you everywhere honey. He believed it was never too early to learn. He was a wonderful father." Esme smiled, thinking of my namesake. "He would have full conversations with you, not baby gibberish. He read to you every day. From newspapers, novels, reference books, anything at all. This wasn't even your first trip to the zoo."

"He found your mother," Carlisle continued his explanation. "He was too late to save Elizabeth."

"He blamed himself for her death. And... me?"

"Himself, somewhat. Never you, Edward," Carlisle reassured me. "He'd felt safe leaving her alone that day. She was tired, but in good shape. He never expected to find her body as he did. There was no way he could have known." He spoke softly and slowly, eyes darting between myself and Esme.

"How?" I whispered.

"Pills."

"She killed herself." I directed my statement at Carlisle. This is what the talk yesterday had been about. He was preparing me.

"Essentially. But I don't believe it was intentional. She had been prescribed medication for depression. With the stress she'd been under and the hormonal shifts, it was a difficult time for her. She was getting stronger, you had everything to do with that." He stopped to smile kindly at me. Esme has her head resting on my shoulder, her arm around me. "If anything, she was too impatient that day. She wanted to be well."

"So she overdosed." Numbness was settling in again. She left me in the most permanent manner. _And it was my fault._

"Only she knows what really happened that afternoon honey, but I do know that she would not have ever abandoned you with intent. You were her world. She had so many plans for you. And you were such a good baby, never fussing for her. God, she loved you so so much Edward. They both did."

Tears flowed down my cheeks but I still felt numb. No sobs followed, only more queries. "Still, how could he not blame me?"

"Because it was never your fault son," Carlisle held onto my arm. "He did struggle with guilt himself, but he coped. He tended to your every need even in those first days after."

"Especially then," Esme added. "We offered to take you for a few days so he could adjust, make arrangements and such. He refused, opting to spend every minute with you. It was only after several weeks that he accepted help from us. I'd bring Em over to their apartment and he'd fuss over you while I prepared meals for Edward and bottles for you. It became a daily routine while he eased his way back into normal life."

Carlisle took his turn, wearing a smirk. "He weaned her off gradually. She couldn't stay away from you."

"You were so beautiful! I couldn't help it," she laughed.

"Why did he agree to let you take me?" I asked bluntly.

"You and he were alone one day when someone came to the door. He assumed it was Esme," Carlisle's smirk was gone. "It was James. He'd come around to see if there was anything of Liz's left for him. There was only one thing and it was far too precious to reveal. Edward told him there was nothing. Suicide doesn't pay. James spotted you sleeping by Edward's work table."

"He knew I was his?"

"No. And Edward wanted it to stay that way. When James asked, he did the only thing that came to mind. He lied. He told James that you were Esme's little one. He was watching you while she took Em for a check-up. You were sleeping, so all he could see was your pink cheeks and copper hair. You could've been Esme's. If he'd seen your eyes, he would have known. That's the only thing you inherited from James. He left and Edward immediately started planning for your safety."

"He knew if James found out about you, he'd claim you for any benefit that came along with you. That wasn't the life he and Elizabeth had planned for you. You'd have a good home with us. You'd be safe and very loved." Esme held onto me tightly.

"He arranged for a private adoption immediately. His name was given as your legal father and given the circumstances, there was no paternity testing ordered. They rushed through the proceedings and you were legally our son," Carlisle finished the story.

"And he walked away?"

"Not initially. He was around daily while you adjusted to your new surroundings. He gradually eased off so you wouldn't be confused. He kept in touch for a long time but it's been years now."

"We'll help you find him," Esme vowed. "If you'd like to get in touch with him, we'll do everything we can to help you. But Edward, I won't help you seek out James. There is nothing good that can come of that and I won't be party to anything that will hurt you."

"I understand." I attempted to smile at Esme, then Carlisle. "Thank you both, for your honesty. Some of it was difficult to hear. I... I might have more questions..."

"Anything," Esme promised.

"Anytime son," Carlisle vowed. "We're here for you. And Aro's advice? Keep talking. Don't close it up inside Edward."

I heeded his words with a knowing grin. The truth hurt. But it was easier to deal with afterwards than lies.


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30**

"I've been thinking about what you said about lying for someone else's benefit," I commented casually as Esme and I rocked in the garden swing the following morning.

"Is that so?" she murmured, her head on my shoulder. "What are your thoughts? Are we bad parents?"

"Not even close!" I scoffed. "But it is infectious. Learned behaviour is strong you know."

"Are you saying you've lied to your mother Edward?" Esme chastised me with her motherly gleam in her eye.

"I did. You know when we were talking about Bella and me and Jacob..."

"Ugh. The day of reckoning!"

Laughing, I draped an arm around her. "I led you to believe something that isn't true. Bella and I had a misunderstanding and I was feeling hurt but the last thing I wanted was for you guys to know. I wanted you to see what I see in her."

"You really care for this girl," she stated.

"I let you think it was a casual thing. A physical thing. It's not. I love her Mom."

"I know you do honey. So what are you going to do about this other boy?"

I shook my head. "That's just it. I don't have to do anything. That's the crux of our misunderstanding. When he showed up, I assumed she'd been lying to me. My pride was hurt but deep inside I knew I'd forgive her even that, once I cooled off. She didn't lie, Mom. And I blew it. With you, with her..."

"Not with me, you didn't. Now tell me about Bella."

"From what I've pieced together, she broke up with Jacob very soon after she realized she had feelings for me. She neglected to tell me that. She neglected to tell him about me. To me, she lied by omission."

"True..."

"But for a reason."

Esme smiled up at me. "You're one smart kid. Handsome too. I think I'll keep you."

"Yeah well it's too late to un-adopt me. I'm a lifer now," I teased.

"She didn't want to hurt you," Esme went back to Bella. "So she didn't tell you all the details."

"Exactly. And the same with Jake. It's over between them, but she didn't want to pour salt in the wound. They've been friends forever," I explained.

"So he's a lifer too. If you take Bella, you have to take the friend."

I shrugged. "I don't even know if I'll get Bella at this point. I messed up pretty bad." I related how I'd shut her out and mentioned some of my drunken accusations that night.

"Oh Edward! That's horrible! The poor girl must feel so bad."

"Thanks. I'm aware," I rolled my eyes. "How do I fix it, Mom? Can I? Would you give me another chance?"

"You love her."

"Yeah. I told you that already."

"No sweetie," she laughed. "That's how you'll fix it. Love her. Be your loving self. Open up to her and offer your heart. If she's the right one, she will understand and forgive."

"It's that simple?"

"No relationship is simple Edward. You have to work at it, constantly. From what I've heard about Bella - from you, Em and Alice, she didn't act out of malice. I think she really cares for you too. So woo her Edward. Win her heart. And then work hard to keep it."

"I've no qualms about needing to pull off some big shit to get her back, but it's always gotta be like that? Seriously?"

"Seriously. But make sure it's a two-way street. Don't get walked on either."

"This relationship thing is tough."

Esme slapped my leg playfully as she chuckled. "You've gotta pay to play, son."

"Yeah. About that..."

"You're being careful right? Your father should be doing this talk, but we're on it now so hear me Edward... Use protection!"

"Mom..."

"Use it Edward. I don't care if she's on the pill or you're exclusive or whatever excuse you'd use for being caught up in the moment and being stupid..."

"Mom! We haven't even reached that stage. Don't blow a gasket! But when we do... _IF_ we do... I'll take care of it. Promise."

"Oh." Esme stared at her hands in her lap, blushing. "I assumed..."

"Hmm. You were wrong. I'm a good guy you know. I left it up to her to decide when we would take it there. I've been giving her space to deal with her Jacob issues."

"Aw! You are a good guy!" she whined like a teenager to draw out a laugh. "I'm sorry I doubted you honey."

"I'm sorry I led you to believe I wasn't in the first place. And I'm sorry I made you worry." She snuggled in once more and waved off my apologies. "I'm not like James," I said quietly.

"I know that honey. I know. You're like..."

"My other dads?" I laughed.

"You're like you. A bit of everyone's good points wrapped up in one helluva good guy who just does the right thing. You make me proud. Every day."

"Mom?"

"Yes honey?"

"There's one more thing I need to vent about. And get your advice."

"More Bella issues?"

"No. School issues. Identity issues aside, I need to decide what I'm doing there."

"You don't want to finish out there? Is there another school you'd rather go to?"

"The school is fine. It's pre-med I'm not sure about," I confessed. "How upset would Dad be?"

"How upset would I be by what?" Carlisle flashed a grin as he joined us on the patio.

"Edward is thinking of a different course selection for next year," Esme informed him calmly.

Raising an eyebrow, he pulled up a chair to have a chat. "So tell me, what is it you're interested in taking that would upset me?" He wore a kind smile and appeared very relaxed. I couldn't think of a better time to get this out so I went for it.

"Writing, mostly."

"You already take writing courses, why would that bother me?"

"Well, writing and not pre-med." I held my gaze steady.

"Ah. I see. You are a talented writer. I don't think it would be time wasted taking more classes."

"I haven't decided yet, but I'd pay you back for the wasted years on pre-med if I don't go with that."

"Don't be silly!" Esme dismissed my offer.

Smiling, Carlisle didn't even acknowledge it. "Is this something you've been considering for awhile Edward?"

"I've always been interested..."

"Yes. But you chose pre-med instead. Do you feel that was a mistake?" Nervously, I looked away. "You've asked for complete honesty from us Edward. I'm requesting the same from you."

"That's a fair request. I just don't know how to answer you honestly."

"Will you try? Start with the basics, son. Do you want to be a doctor?"

"No... Yes! Ugh! I just... I don't know what's best right now."

"Take your time," Carlisle said with patience.

"Thing is, I've kinda felt overwhelmed this year. And trapped. Like I'm always stuck in the lab."

"Your grades have been outstanding, so it's paying off. But I can remember that feeling myself."

"You did?" I asked incredulously. "You love practicing medicine!"

"I do. But it doesn't make those long years of intense study and little else a non-issue. Why do you think so many students drop the program? Edward, what you're feeling is normal. Most in your situation would simply fold, especially when, like you, they had something else to fall back on. I'm certain that you would excel as a writer as well."

"I'm not afraid of putting in the work..."

"We know that."

"You wouldn't be disappointed if I didn't become a doctor?" I asked softly.

"Edward, is that what this is about?" Carlisle chuckled. "I'd be disappointed if you didn't do what you felt best for _YOU_. Whether you're a doctor, an author, composer, singer or a waiter for god sake... I don't care as long as you're happy with what you do." I bit my lip and held back the flood of emotions building. "Make this decision based on your own wants, son. We'll support whichever you decide on." I simply nodded, unable to speak. "Listen, you're dealing with an awful lot right now. And this is a huge decision to make. My advice to you is take the time you need. There's no set time that you have to be done with your education. If you're not absolutely certain about medicine, take a year or two and explore other things. You can always finish your fourth year of pre-med later if you decide that's for you."

"I told Professor Davis I'd let him know this week," I finally found my voice. "I had a good talk with him as well. I had made up my mind when I spoke with him but after...well, he gave me lot to think about. Now, I just don't know what I want."

"We just want you to be happy sweetie," Esme squeezed my hand.

"Be happy," Carlisle concurred.

* * *

I waited until after I'd unpacked before I called Alice. Esme had sent me back with another bag full of new clothes. Jasper was impressed. He called two of the shirts upon sight and I tossed them to him agreeably. I knew I could wear them when I wanted anyway. He dug into the cake she sent as well.

"Hey, slow down man. You can take all the clothes but that cake's for Bella."

"Yeah?" he grinned. "Did you work things out?"

I shook my head. "This is a peace offering."

"From your _mommy_?" he cracked.

Smirking, I snapped him with the shirt he wanted. "Yes. And she specifically said don't let Jasper eat it all. His tummy will get upset."

"Funny guy, funny guy... Hey, listen... I didn't get to tell you but Rose decided to transfer for her last year."

"Yeah?" I grinned.

"Yeah. So she's more than a summer renter. You okay with that?"

"I'm great with that. You're really making a go of this huh?"

"Yeah. It's time dude. We'll either kill each other or get married. Either way, we've gotta try. This long distance thing blows."

"My parents bought us house warming gifts," I blurted.

"Cool. Where are they?"

"Too big for the train. They're driving down with new beds in a couple of weeks. Beds, plural. We don't have to share."

"Seriously? Fuck! Your parents are awesome!" Jasper turned serious for a moment. My friend had parent issues of his own, dealt with long ago. Their split and the abuse of alcohol and lack of parenting he'd endured from them during his teen years is the reason he spent so much time with my family. Why he was the 'third Cullen boy' as my mom always introduced him as. "Seriously man, you are one lucky bastard to have them."

"I'm seriously fucking aware of that Jaz," I agreed. "More than ever. Look, I have to call Alice, but do you wanna go for a drink after? There's so much shit to tell you." He had an assignment to drop off so we made arrangements to meet at the pub. And I made him agree to limit my intake this time.

* * *

_A/N~Time for our boy to straighten out the rest of his issues, now that home's been dealt with. Reunion coming up? Thanks for continuing to read.~SR_


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31**

"Esme sends her love," I said when Alice picked up on the third ring.

"Aw! I'm seeing them this weekend."

"I know. I listened to her plans all morning. You're gonna be busy. Wear walking shoes."

"Shopping?" she squealed.

"They bought a bunch of stuff for me, now it's your turn. They're very generous, you'll have fun."

"I'd be as happy just hanging, you know?"

"You can't stop her Alice. Don't fight it. Just smile and say thank you. And she loves hugs." Giggling, Alice thanked me for the tip. "Did you play messenger for me?"

"Of course. You made Emmett cry. Again. It's so cute!"

"Ughhh. I don't want to hear it! That was the whole point of writing, Al."

"Why didn't I get one?"

"Because you know how I feel about you. We can communicate somehow," I chuckled.

"BFFs!"

"Yeah, whatever," I grumbled with a laugh.

"You sound so much better Edward. I'm glad you had time with them."

"Yeah. There's still a lot more to deal with, but that's one down. Now there's Davis and... Bella. How is she?"

"Missing you! Edward, you have to talk to her. I'm going crazy here. If I never hear any White Stripes songs again I'll die a happy woman!"

"You didn't say anything, right?"

"Of course not! You asked me not to. Emmett's been good too. But Edward, you should know she thinks this is all because of her. She's pretty devastated. You need to talk things out."

"I will."

"When?"

"Soon Al! God, I just got in."

"So you can come over now. She'll be home any minute. I'll make myself disappear..."

"Can't. I'm meeting Jaz."

"Edward! Jesus! You are so stubborn..."

"I'll call her tonight. I promise."

"_NOT_ drunk Edward!"

"Not drunk."

"I'm serious!"

"So am I! Christ Alice, quit nagging. You're not actually my sister you know."

"I'm your conscience Edward," she said in an airy voice. "Talk to Bella..."

"Goodbye Alice."

"Bye hon. Love ya!"

* * *

The story poured out of me when I met with Jaz. What had taken three days to get through at home was wrapped up in the time it took us to drink one beer. We were just into the second when Jasper stood and announced he was going to the washroom.

"Hey," a quite voice said from behind me. I gave Jaz a look. He shrugged and mouthed _'sorry' _as he patted my shoulder. He stopped to give Bella a kiss on the cheek before leaving. "So you're back."

"I was going to call you tonight, when I got home," I said nervously. I wanted to talk to her, to see her, why was I so damned nervous? "Um, do you want a drink?"

She shook her head. "I'd like to keep my head clear."

"Right. Okay." I stood immediately and paid our tab. "Let's go." I took her arm and guided her to the exit. Once outside, I suggested coffee instead but our cafe was crowded at this time so we took ours to go.

"So Tanya says hi. She misses you." Bella broke the silence with a really bad joke.

"Great." I rolled my eyes and chuckled.

"I miss you too," she added softly.

"Bella... I was so horrible to you! I'm so _sooo_ sorry..."

"So you said. Thing is Cullen, that's how you felt. It needed to be said. I needed to hear it. I may not have outright lied to you and I never cheated on you, but I was totally unfair to you. I'd rather talk about something else."

"Okay," I agreed quietly. "How are you? I mean, did you have a hard time with... Are you okay with Jacob?"

She shrugged. "He's currently not speaking with me either. At least I've have written communication from you." She bumped against my side as she used to when she teased me. "A _snowflake_, Cullen? Really?"

I grinned and blushed. "Aren't you? I mean, you appeared in my life like magic, so beautiful... And so easy to destroy when in my stupid hands."

"You think I'm a temporary flake?"

"No! Jesus..." I cursed myself silently. "I guess I used a bad analogy. That wasn't at all what I intended."

"Explain please." She casually took a sip from her cup as she strolled. Why was this so easy for her and I was dying a painful death?

"I shouldn't have written when I did. There was a lot of shit in my head. I'm sure you couldn't make sense of any of it."

_"Hey little apple blossom..." _she sang out.

"Okay. So you got some of it," I grinned.

"After three days! It was seriously on the last album I tried. I drove Alice nuts."

"I know," I laughed. "At least you're prepared for future lyrical reference."

"Is that going to happen a lot?" she laughed.

"Possibly. My mind just works that way."

"Lyrically," she agreed. "Are there lyrics that would help explain the rest?"

Sighing, I tossed my cup into the trash can as we walked past it. "The stars were a metaphor for the permanent things in my life. The snowflake, the things easily lost. Essentially, that's it. In my own words."

"And I'm both? Or neither..."

I bit down on my lip wishing I still had my coffee to give me a distraction. "Currently my snowflake," I admitted. "Only because I took my star for granted and couldn't be open enough to have a normal relationship. You're my snowflake because honestly, I have a tendancy to fuck up everything that's important before it could be permanent. Everything beautiful...cherished." I choked on a sob with the last word. _Oh fuck!_

"Sweetie, come here." Bella took my hand and led me across the street to her darkened bookshop. She let us in and relocked the door behind us. "Sorry, I needed to hear it - what you really meant." She put her hand up to my cheek, feeling the dampness of my tears. "Sweetie..." She wrapped her arms around me, pulling my head down to hers. "You're not fucking this up." She kissed my forehead. My wet cheeks. "I won't let you."

My knees felt weak as I clung to my Bella. It felt so good to be in her arms, but I'd wanted this to be about making up for my mistakes. Instead I was crying like a baby in her arms. My emotions were all over the place, flooding me.

"You're shaking, are you chilled?" Bella rubbed my back and arms, warming me.

I shook my head. "Scared."

"You're scared?"

"Shitless."

"What are you scared of Edward? Tell me."

"I'm scared of losing you," I confessed. "Also, afraid to love you in case I do lose you. But I do. So much." I stroked her silky hair as I kissed her forehead. "So, so much my snowflake."

"I'm not going anywhere Cullen. Love me just as much as you want." She tilted her head up to stare into my eyes. "Because I love you that much and more. Can you forgive me for not being completely honest with you?"

"If you can forgive me being a dick to you that night."

"Deal."

I tasted her tears mixed with mine as we kissed. It was soft and sweet and I felt like I was floating. "Bella?" I spoke her name softly against her lips.

"Yes?"

"I have something for you. In my room."

Bella cocked an eyebrow. "Cullen?"

I smirked back. "It's from my mom."

"Oh." Her grin turned into a grimace. "Tell me the truth Edward. How much does she hate me?"

I took her hand in mine and kissed it. "Not at all. I told you I'd make sure she loved you."

"What did you tell her?"

"The truth."

"Which is what exactly?"

"That I love you and I'm willing to wait until you've got old relationship issues sorted out."

"You kinda rock Cullen," she grinned before kissing me.

* * *

Back at my room, Bella seemed almost shy about coming in.

"We don't have to stay here. I can just grab your cake and walk you home."

"Cake? She sent me a cake?" Bella smiled.

"Most of a cake. Jaz got into it, sorry. She had one made when I went home and I thought of you when I ate it. I knew you'd like it, so she made another one for you this morning. It's cinnamon. But not toasted or crunchy," I winked.

"But still a perfectly yummy yet unhealthy breakfast food," she laughed.

"Exactly. Oh, hang on. I've got a message." I pulled her into my room while I checked my text message. "It's from Jaz. He's at Sam's tonight." I rolled my eyes and chuckled nervously. "You wanna go home?"

"I haven't had you in so long, this wasn't enough time!"

"We can go out..."

"You have another message." Bella indicated the flashing light on our room phone. Who the hell would that be? I pressed play.

_'Hi honey, home safe? Guess you are, but you didn't call!'  
_  
"My mom," I smirked.

"I gathered," Bella smiled back.

_'So did you talk to Bella yet? Edward, if you're not with her now, go! Do it now! And I want you two to come home, maybe the weekend after this? Or when exams are done? Let me know so your dad can book off. Anyway, sometime before you move or just after maybe? I don't know, figure out what you'll need in the apartment and we'll go shopping. Bella will come, won't she? Make it work Edward! Oh, did she like the cake? Did Jasper save her any? Tell him I'll make his cookies next time. And give him my love. My love to Bella as well. Oh and Edward? Your letter...' _I blushed at the mention of it and the sound of her holding back sniffles. _'Thank you. Thank you honey. You're a good, good boy and we love you so much. Goodnight sweetie. Love you.'  
_  
"My mom tends to go on..." I grinned.

"You talked about our..."

"Misunderstanding? Yeah. I told you I told her the truth. She obviously has a lot of faith that we'd work it out." I erased her message and passed Bella the cake. "So, is that something you'd consider? Coming home with me? I can make an excuse. No problem."

"I'd love to get to know your parents Edward," Bella said softly as she unwrapped the cake. "Oh my god, this smells so good! I have to have a taste." She broke off a piece with her fingers. _"Ohmagaa," _she mumbled, mouth full. "Have some." She plopped a piece in my mouth before taking more for herself. "Your mom has to show me how to make this. And tell me what dishes you like for when it's my turn to cook!"

I smiled and pulled her in for a hug. We stood in the middle of my room, kissing and staring at each other for what seemed like hours. Quite different from her last time here.

"You know... Bella, I know you want to put it to rest but I have to say something." I took her hand and led her to my bed where I sat her beside me. "This whole thing with us, it shouldn't have gotten so blown up. I mean, it wouldn't have if it were any other time. I was pissed that day, but I would've gotten over it and had a civil conversation. I wouldn't have gotten wasted... but even if I had... I'm not like that. I get pissy, not volatile. This would've been overwith in like, a day or two."

"So what happened?" she asked quietly.

I turned my body to face her. "I'm considering switching majors." I knew it was random, but I didn't know where to start. It wasn't like it was when I told Jasper.

"Okay. What does one have to do with the other?"

"Nothing and everything." I took a deep breath as I held her hands. "I know now that I was mistaken, but at the time I felt betrayed. And I started thinking about how everything was a lie. I felt like I'm living a lie. I want to write poetry and songs and novels... not just prescriptions."

"A mid-course crisis?"

"Of sorts," I grinned. "I spoke with Davis about dropping out."

"What?" Bella gasped. "Edward! You can't! What did he say?"

"He told me to take some time to think it through. Talk to my parents and my girlfriend and get back to him. I've talked to my parents..." I gave her a shy grin. "So now it's your turn."

"I think it's a dumb idea," she stated bluntly. "Cullen, you've put so much time into pre-med! To simply dump it now? That's really idiotic."

"Geez Bella. Don't sugar coat it. Tell me how you really feel."

She sighed. "You want to know something? When I first found out that you wrote Eclipse's songs, and I read your poems, I thought you were wasting a huge talent spending so much time on sciences. I thought you were selling out. Selling yourself short." She took my face in her hands to keep eye contact. "But I've spent time in the lab with you and I see how much you love it. You grumble about it, but admit it. You're a science nerd Cullen. And a damned good writer. Nothing is stopping you from writing when you're a doctor. But you can't practice medicine with a degree in lit. Think about it." She kissed my forehead. "Use that enormous brain of yours."

I sat in silence while I mulled over her outburst. "I should've come to you first," I admitted. "I left each previous conversation more confused than when I went in. How did you make it so clear to me?"

"Because no one knows you like I do. And no one loves you like I do." She gave me a soft kiss. "I'm sorry I was harsh."

"No! I needed it the kick in the ass."

* * *

_A/N~And no one can kick ass like Bella! Edward asked for the truth, he'll get that and more; whether he likes it or not.~SR_


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

"Cullen? Am I your girlfriend?" she grinned.

"My mom made you a cake so I guess... She's never made another girl a cake you know."

"And you're my boyfriend?"

"I sure as hell hope to be. I thought you didn't like labels?"

"I want it clarified. I have an ex. You have a few exes. And a groupie..."

"Shut up!" I laughed.

"But now, you are my one and only love. I won't cheat on you. I won't lie to you. And I'm going to introduce you to my dad... as my boyfriend."

I couldn't help but grin. "Will he shoot me on sight?"

"I'll make sure he's not armed at the time," Bella smirked. Seeing I had suddenly grown serious, not retorting with a smart-ass comment as I normally would, she took my hand in hers. "Edward, he'll accept it eventually."

I nodded. "Sure. I was just thinking though..."

"Uh-oh..."

"Maybe it's not such a good idea to spring it on him right now; I mean, just as we're about to move in together... You are still moving with us, aren't you?"

She smiled her smile that warmed me right through yet gave me chills at the same time. Is this what love feels like? I'd never felt anything like it. Not even close.

"I take that as a yes," I smiled.

"_Hell_ yes!"

"Bella, I feel like I've made one mistake after another for the past year, maybe more. All because I'm afraid to state what I want. I don't want this to be another mistake. It's too important."

She wore a confused look, and rightfully so. I'd been slammed with so much information that she was still blind to. "You don't want to meet my dad? Or you don't want to be my boyfriend? I don't understand Edward...I thought we were back on track."

I got up and pulled my desk chair over so I could sit facing Bella. "I've been thinking we need to start on a whole new track. The old one had far too many loose rails." I paused to stare into her shimmering dark eyes. "I don't want us to just bury everything and carry on without dealing with it. We have to talk it through and do things right from this point."

"Okay," she whispered. "I'll tell you everything Edward. No more holding back. Whatever you want to know..."

I stroked her hair as I leaned in to kiss her forehead. "I want to know everything about you Bella. And there's a lot I have to tell you about as well." Her eyes widened before looking down, away from me. "It's nothing to do with you and me and yet everything to do with us at the same time. I'm at a stage in life where I feel like I'm finally starting to figure some things out. Like maybe, just maybe, I won't be a fuck-up my entire life."

"You're not..."

"Shhh, Bella, just let me explain myself... I've recently discovered I'm not who I thought I was. It's made me realize I can be whoever I want to be. You may see some changes; nothing too drastic, but I need to rediscover myself and you need to see if you even want to be involved with the new me. What I'm saying, basically, is that I think we should start this over. I want the chance to pursue what I want," I held onto her hands as I smiled at her. "That's you Bella."

"You have me Cullen." Her voice was husky with emotion.

I shook my head. "No, I want to do this right. I want to win your affection. Take you on dates, really start over Bella. I need to earn your love and build a relationship that I'm not constantly afraid of. I want to be a better person - stronger. For you. For us."

"Edward..." Bella's eyes welled up and she squeezed my hands so hard I thought she'd pop some joints out of place.

I eased out of her grip and held her face as I kissed away her tears. "This is a good thing Bella, I swear. Don't cry... I don't ever want to make you cry again."

She sniffled loudly. "This is a good cry Cullen. You're so sweet... I know you hate that but you are. I already lo..."

I cut her words off with a gentle kiss before smiling at her. "Starting over Bella. Let me do this. Please?"

"It's not necessary, but it's really important to you isn't it?" I nodded, staring into her eyes intently. "You win Cullen. Woo me." She bit on her lip as she smiled shyly.

My heart raced, flooding with love and gratitude. She'd used the same term my mom had - 'woo'. They were going to get along so well. Best of all, she was willing to work with me on this. God, being open really felt good. "Thank you," I whispered, fearing tears of my own if I said anything else.

* * *

Continuing to mend the catastrophe I'd made for myself, I sat waiting for Professor Davis very early the next morning.

"Edward! I didn't expect to see you this morning!" His shock was as genuine as his smile. He unlocked his office and let us in. "Did you get things straightened out?"

"Working on it." I took a seat at his prompt, nervous as he'll. "Um, so I've been thinking a lot about my career path."

He sat across from me, hands folded and an interested look on his face. "Good to hear. Something I can help with?"

"Yeah, uh...I was hoping that your job offer still applies?"

He smiled widely now. "You're staying in the program! Brilliant choice son. You won't regret it and of course the job is yours. I'm looking forward to working with you. In fact, I'm glad you've dropped by today," he mumbled as he started up his computer. "I just received the registration notice for a seminar coming up and I think it would be beneficial for both of us if you attended." Once he could access his email, he printed off a copy of the itinerary. "It's only a few days, luckily between exams ending and the start of summer courses. Please consider it and let me know ASAP so I can book it."

I scanned it over quickly, and nodded my agreement. "I think this would help, thank you. Of course I'll go."

"Edward...it pleases me a great deal that you seem very focused now. Whatever is going on with you, it's not my business, but if you need time or help with anything, please don't hesitate to ask me. I don't want to overwhelm you if you still need time. But I have to let you know, you will be an enormous help to me..." He stood and came around to my side of the desk. "I'm really glad you're back with us."

I stood and shook his hand. "Thank you sir. For everything. I'll see you in class later."

Another weight off my shoulders, I whistled happily as I made my way to the coffee shop for breakfast. My appetite was definitely back!

* * *

I spotted Sam and Ellie in line as soon as I entered. They waved me over so we could order together.

"Where've you been? I called you a few times... Jaz said you went home... And there's other stuff... You okay?"

I would eventually tell Sam everything, but this was not the time or place. "I had a small breakdown," I confessed. "We'll talk."

"Bella called me," Ellie spoke up. "I know what happened." She pulled me into a tight hug. "We're here for you. You alright?"

People in line eyed us; I hated being a spectacle. "Working on it." I used my line again and eased out of her grip. "Thanks Ell. Um...what exactly did Bella say?"

"She told me everything." She lowered her voice to a whisper, "You know, about Jacob and all that. I couldn't believe it! I mean, shit, it's so obvious how you feel about her...and I really thought she was the one for you."

I grinned crookedly. "I'm working on that too."

Her eyes widened. "You're taking her back?"

"Nope. I'm winning her back. I'm starting anew Ellie. She wasn't alone in this cluster fuck. I made a lot of mistakes too."

"You didn't cheat on her," she snapped.

"Ell... I love you for looking out for me, but you've got it all wrong. We'll talk, seriously. But I'm okay. I know what I'm doing." I took my food from the counter as it was passed over. "I gotta run. But I'll talk to you both very soon. Thanks guys!"

I ate my bagel on the fly, heading for my writing class. Bella had talked to Ellie about our ordeal? Hmm. I didn't know if that was a good thing or not. I knew she was very fond of Ellie, considered her a friend, but we'd been friends longer and Ellie seemed put off by Bella. I made a mental note to be sure to explain things better and smooth it out for them. But all of that had to wait - I had to put my focus back on classes if I hoped to get through my exams without taking a hit on my marks.

_Focus Cullen..._

* * *

"Cullen!" Bella smiled widely when she saw me walking in the door.

Davis had sent me for food as we would be working late at the lab. I couldn't resist the temptation to stop in. "Hi. I can't stay. Davis is waiting for me, but I brought you this." I placed her dinner down on the counter with the flower I'd bought for her.

"What's this?" She was trying very hard to hold in a laugh, I could tell.

"It's, uh, an apple blossom. For... my apple blossom. Don't laugh! I know I suck at this!"

"You can buy apple blossoms?" She was still amused, and blushing profusely.

"Apparently." I cracked up, out of nervousness and she let go too. "I know, it's really cheesy."

She shook her head. "It's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done. I'll keep them forever." Her fingers traced the little blossoms on the branch before she looked up at me. "Thank you," she whispered.

I smiled as I shrugged. "I have to work...all week. Late tonight, for sure. Can I call you? If it's not too late?"

She nodded at me before acknowledging the customer who'd just placed a book on the counter.

"Okay. If I get in before 11, I'll call. Gotta go!"

"Bye Edward," she grinned. "Thanks. Again."

* * *

_A/N ~ Some well deserved playtime on the way! :) ~ SR_


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33 **

It was 12:30 before I got home. Even Jaz was asleep. I didn't call, opting to go right to sleep myself so I could get an early start the next day. I did, however, catch up with Bella first thing in the morning. A coffee in each hand, I waited at the bench where I'd first met Jake. I knew she was aware of the irony as well because after her initial surprised smile, she looked uncomfortable.

"So, can I walk you to class?" I stood quickly and passed over her cup. "I got in too late to call, sorry."

"It's okay. Busy week."

"Yeah...Bella, you know that's the only problem, right? I'm not avoiding you or anything. I've just got a lot to catch up on before exams next week."

She nodded and sipped her coffee. I wished I had gotten her mocha instead so I could see her nose dotted with the cream. I'd missed that. "Dinner was great, thanks again."

"No problem... I don't want to make any promises this week, but I'll try to get done in time to walk you home after you get off work."

"It's okay. I'm off tonight. Study session."

"Oh. Good. So..." Why was it so awkward now? Did she feel it too? She must; she wasn't her normal self either.

"So...maybe we can do something on the weekend?" she suggested.

"Yeah! Yeah, for sure. Think about what you want to do."

We walked along in unusual silence until Bella let out a huff and stopped dead. "Okay, I can't do this."

"Do what? Walk with me?"

"I can walk with you Cullen. I love walking with you. It's this...formality thing that I can't do. Loosen up man! You do know I'm into kinda nerdy, silly guys who say dumb things and trip over their feet and are totally not perfect for anyone but me."

"Really? Shit, you've got serious bad taste in guys Bella." I casted a sideways smirk at her. "You should work on that."

"Yeah? You know what I have been working on?"

"Tell me, please." I continued grinning.

"Beating your clumsy ass in a race." She took off running, leaving me stunned at the sudden challenge. I pursued her, managing to spill my coffee all over myself before I gave up and pitched it to make a serious attempt to catch up. It was a good couple of blocks before I did so. She was so lithe, she wove between the crowds easily. I had to keep apologizing for bumping people on my way through. When I finally caught up, I lunged, grabbing her tiny waist and pulling her off to the side. Laughing as we both struggled to stay on our feet, I held onto her, hugging her from behind.

"How the hell do you still have your coffee?" I stared down over her shoulder in amazement. "Look at the mess I made!" I turned her around to view the evidence.

"I'm just that good." She tipped her cup to her mouth and took a long drink before holding it out to me. "Lucky for you, I think you're cute so I'll share mine with you."

I took it and tossed it in the trash can with a grin. As she began to protest, I pulled her against me and kissed her. If I was breathless from the unexpected run, I was panting by the time I let her go. "I've missed you," I murmured against her parted lips.

"Cullen...you have no idea how much I want to skip class..." She pulled my head down for more, and dropped her book bag in the grass.

"Mmm..." I moaned as she deepened the kiss. "Bella...save something for later."

"Sorry..." She released me and wiped her swollen mouth with the back of her hand. Taking a few deep breaths, she giggled as she became aware that we were making out on the campus lawn at the busiest time of the morning. "Wow!" she giggled into my chest. "I don't know how I'll sit through a lecture now."

"Tell me. I'm gonna look really idiotic making the rest of the way to my building on my own...sort of." I glanced down to examine not only the mess of my shirt, but the protrusion in my pants.

Bella burst out laughing and kissed my cheek before messing my hair. "You're perfect Cullen. I'm crazy about you, did you know?"

Laughing, I unbuttoned my shirt to see if the stain had gone through to my t-shirt as well. "Uh, if you hadn't noticed, I'm kinda crazy about you too. My friend here as well." I nodded down at the bulge that was not letting up.

"I did notice!" she teased, "I'm sure no one else will though. You'll be fine."

"Thanks!" I smirked. "My ego is currently sending the message downward that not only is it not required for duty, but it's also inadequate. Problem will be resolved momentarily."

"Cullen..." She grabbed me by the shirt and pulled me against her. Her head was tipped back to look up at me. "You're more than adequate," she assured me in hushed tones. "Way more than adequate."

I left her before I popped my fly right open, carrying my bag and soiled shirt in front of myself to cover up. I couldn't cover the grin that she caused however. It lasted all day.

Obviously, old fashioned courtship did not agree with us. We were better doing our own thing; the push/pull Bella/Edward thing. We talked on the phone for hours throughout the week and into the next as exams began. It was like getting to know each other all over, but better because we were already so familiar with our moods and tones. There was no guessing if she got a joke I made or wondering if she knew I was being serious at other times. I also used those calls to tell her about the other part of my breakdown weeks earlier. It was easier to do it over the phone. If I saw her sympathetic face...if she was there holding me... I'd never get through it. But now she understood why I took off and she believed that she wasn't entirely to blame for me breaking. At least, I hoped she did.

* * *

Jasper and I moved into the house over the weekend between exams. My parents had the beds delivered for us, all three, and we borrowed Jared's van to haul our boxes. I had a couple of exams to go before I could help move Rose. Bella would be the last to come in. She wanted to stay with Alice until the end of term. Fair enough. Only problem with that was it meant I'd be leaving for my Leadership Seminar right after. Bella popped in on us Sunday evening, having spent part of the weekend with her dad. Jaz let her in while I fought to untangle the mile of cable Ty had donated so we could have multiple TV hook-ups.

"Jesus Christ! I thought Christmas lights were the epitomy of frustration. This is worse!" Everytime I thought I had it uncoiled, another knot, worse than the original appeared.

"Bad time?" Bella peeked in sheepishly as she heard my outburst.

"Not if you can solve this puzzle. Got any wire cutters on you?"

Laughing, she went to find the other end of the cable. "Release Cullen. Step back and watch the master."

I dropped my end, holding my hands up in defeat and took a seat on the floor to observe. She had a very specific technique; spreading it across the floor and crawling along as she wove and untwisted the cable. I had to admit, she was much better at this than me or Jaz. Her ass looked really nice when she was on all fours too. Jasper took a seat beside me, handing me a beer as we watched 'The Master'.

"Sweetest lookin' handyman I've ever seen," he whistled.

"Plumber's crack and all," I quipped with a smirk.

"Rose will be bitchy for awhile. You do know that."

"Competition?"

"You got it."

"What are you two mumbling about over there?" Bella sat in the lotus position while she worked on a tight knot.

"Just admiring your fine work darlin'!" Jasper smiled.

We held our bottles us to toast her. "To Bella's sweet ass!"

Blushing, she took off her shoe and pitched in at us so quickly we didn't have time to react. It caught Jaz in the head and he dropped like a fly. "Shit! Jasper, I'm sorry! That was meant for that one!"  
She swatted me before she bent over him. I was doubled over laughing, as was he. "You're not even hurt!"

"This head's too thick to be damaged so easily," he laughed.

"He's got a helmet for a skull!" I couldn't control my laughter at all. Gripping my stomach, I rolled onto my side. "Nice shot!"

"You are both assholes. You know that?" Bella took off her other shoe and beat my ass with it, only making us laugh harder. "I should leave this for you two morons to figure out yourselves. You were doing so brilliantly..."

"No!" Jasper pleaded. "Please? We're sorry. Aren't we Edward?"

I nodded, biting my cheek to stop the laughter. "Really sorry. We'll behave, I swear. Just don't abandon us in our time of need."

She cocked an eyebrow as she grabbed my beer and returned to her seat, now barefoot.

"She's got no more weapons," Jaz whispered with a smirk.

"Wanna bet?" I whispered back.

"What he said," Bella commented casually as she got the knot untangled and began her crawl to the next one.

"I'm out." Jasper stood abruptly and grabbed his wallet. "Pizza okay?"

"Great, yeah," I mumbled as I stared in awe. Her fingers moved quickly and flawlessly as she worked her way closer to the end. "You're not really mad, are you? We were just joking around." I saw the corners of her mouth lift, but she kept her head down. A section of hair fell from her ponytail, falling over her face and she blew it aside in frustration. "Need help?" I offered quietly.

"Nope. Do what you do best Cullen. Sit on your ass."

I chuckled as I leaned on my elbow. "You're really good at that. Did you have tree light duty growing up?"

"Nope. My mom was a knitter. I was her untangler whenever the cat got at her wool." Her fingers continued working deftly and she kept blowing at her hair. "Argh! The hair is more of a frustration than the cord!"

I got off my ass to assist. Kneeling behind her, I gently removed her hairband and regathered her locks. I kissed the back of her neck softly as I retied her hair. "There. I'm not completely useless."

She smiled as I plopped myself down by her side, facing her. "Thanks Cullen. You do have your uses. Definitely."

"You said your mom was a knitter...she's not anymore?"

Bella shook her head. "Nope. She's not anything anymore. She died three years ago."

My jaw dropped and hung open. "Jesus Bella! I'm sorry! You never mentioned..."

She shrugged. "I know. I don't like talking about it."

"Sorry," I muttered again. Shit. I had no clue how to react.

Seeing I was uneasy, she managed a grin and rubbed my arm. "It's okay. I shouldn't have just blurted it out like that." Still working away, she got me to hold one piece while she looped the loose end through and it was done. "Voila!"


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34**

"You amaze me everyday Bella." It was more than her untangling method, it was the way she handled trauma. She lost her mother only three years ago... How on earth did she cope? How can she cope now?

"So..." Bella sat back, her legs stretched out, sipping on my beer. "She had cancer. Cervical. It was in the final stage when she was diagnosed. She'd had trouble for a long time but kept avoiding dealing with it. It's part of the reason my parents split in the first place. She wanted another baby and was having problems getting pregnant. My dad was willing to do whatever tests and procedures needed to make it happen; my mom was stubborn. They had me no problem, it shouldn't be an issue... They argued a lot and everything fell apart. Dad moved back to where he grew up. I stayed with Mom. Until she got too sick."

"That's why you moved. And why you were so miserable... Aw Bella..." I wrapped an arm around her, placing a kiss on her head as she rested against my shoulder. "You get checked regularly, right?"

She smiled as she played with my fingers. "Sure. Charlie made sure I got the HPV shot and I have paps annually. Don't worry." She pulled my hand over to kiss my fingertips.

"I'm glad you told me," I said softly. "I know it's hard."

She took in a breath and bit her lip, as she did every time there was something she wanted to say but wasn't sure she should. "You know when you came back and your mom called and then you said you had talked to her about us?"

"Yeah, I remember..."

"I was jealous. And angry with my mom for dying and leaving me with no one to talk to like that. It's not like I could talk to Charlie. He'd freak. And Alice... She's too involved. She just kept telling me to be patient and let you work through everything. I mean, now I know why, 'cause she knew about your family issue and obviously that was more devastating..."

"Not more important though," I countered. "You understand I only dealt with that first so I could feel strong enough to really try to work it out between us."

She nodded, biting her lip some more. "And then I felt bad for being jealous of you having Esme, because you lost your mom too. Only you didn't even get the chance to know her. At least I have memories, even if I can't talk to her."

"Bella, don't lessen your anguish that way. Everything you felt is valid. It's not wrong. Please don't keep these things from me anymore. You can talk to me about anything baby. _Anything_."

She was fighting her tears, trying to smile. "I talked to Ellie, about us."

"I know." That reminded me, I hadn't called Ellie yet, as I'd promised I would.

She bit the side of her lip. That was new. "I think she's pissed at me. She hasn't returned any call since then."

"I'll talk to her."

"You can't make her be my friend Edward," she snorted. "But thank you for wanting to fix it." She tilted her head back and kissed me softly.

"I promise you Bella, I will work with you to fix any problem you ever have." I was leaning in to return her kiss when Jasper returned with dinner and his usual easy banter. Bella visibly relaxed and the three of us enjoyed an evening of laughs before I walked her back to her dorm.

"So, seeing as you want to be in the know..." Bella said as we walked. "There's something else you should hear about."

"I'm listening." My gut clenched, not knowing what to expect now.

"Charlie knows about us."

I exhaled and took another deep breath. "I thought we agreed to hold back on that for a bit."

She snorted. "Yeah, well it didn't come from me. Remember I told you Jake isn't speaking to me? Well apparently that doesn't go for my dad."

"Oh."

"I'm so pissed off at him! You know, it's one thing to act like a baby and refuse to talk to me, it's another to go blabbing to my dad because he's pissed at me. He's being a child. Alice was right about him all along."

"He's hurt Bella. I guess it's his way off acting it out." Was I defending the ex? _Jesus..._

Bella shot me a sarcastic look. "Exactly the point. When you were pissed, you didn't run and tell stories. Just the opposite; you defended me. Grown-up; child."

"I can be childish too..."

"Oh, I'm aware Cullen." She poked her tongue out at me.

"Very mature yourself there, Ms Swan," I teased. "Seriously though, how did he take it? Your dad, I mean."

"_Wellllll_, we had some words of course."

"And then he loaded his gun..."

Giggling, Bella looped her arm through mine. "He won't shoot you Edward. But he does want to meet you."

"Okay." There was a massive knot in my stomach forming. The dad of all dads...ugh. "Uh, when?"

"Not now. I told him we're too busy with exams and summer jobs starting."

I nodded. "We should do it soon though."

"Jump in and get it over with?" she grinned.

"Exactly. The stress will just build if we stretch it out." I paused before asking what was on my mind. "Bella? Does he hate me?"

"Um, not exactly."

"Oh!" I snorted. "That's reassuring!"

"He'll love you once he gets to know you. Don't worry." We arrived at her dorm and she stopped to finish our talk. "Charlie's got a real tough exterior, but once you break it down, he's a teddy bear."

"With sharp teeth, I bet." Grinning, I wrapped my arms around her. "Tell me what to do. How should I act with him?"

"Like yourself. Just like you, Cullen." We kissed for several minutes before saying goodnight. And I pictured myself tortured in a dozen ways by an angry cop/dad.

* * *

It was a great relief to have exams over with and also the ordeal of moving Rosalie. I'd anticipated the worst; Rose at her bossiest, but she was actually very laid back and cheerful. She was astonished by the gifts and donations my parents had contributed to our house on the whole. Everything intended for everyone. After we unloaded her boxes and returned Jared's van, the three of us sat back and enjoyed a quiet night in. Three old friends reliving old times and looking ahead to our future lives. I wished Bella was with us, but I understood that she wanted to spend the last two nights as roomies with Alice.

On Sunday, Jasper and I packed up Bella's belongings while Emmett hauled Alice's things to the Cullen Escalade. They were starting summer break off at home with our parents.

"Come visit soon!" Alice pulled us all in for a group hug. "I'm gonna miss you guys sooooo much!"

"We'll be back and forth. You can come visit us too you know." I punched Em on the shoulder and smiled at Alice.

"You'd better!" Bella threatened and hugged Alice one last time before they drove off.

"Regrets?" I asked quietly when I saw her sad look.

"Only that Alice won't be with us in the house. She's like the sister I never had. I've never been on my own before; I went from Mom to Dad to Alice. It's just hit me now."

"Unnerving?"

She nodded and wrapped her arms around my waist. "This'll be good right?"

"Yeah," I grinned before giving her the softest of kisses. "Very good. But we've got to get moving if you want my help unpacking. I have a train to catch." My seminar was beginning very early the next morning so I was travelling tonight and staying at the hotel. Bella's anxiety was rubbing off on me. I hadn't been on my own either and the whole premise of this seminar was extremely unnerving for me. Leadership? I hated even being noticed for the most part and I was about to spend 4 days asserting myself. With strangers. _Fuck,_ why had I agreed to go?

_Change, Cullen. Growth._

Bella came with me to the train station and squeezed the breath out of me before I boarded. I promised to call when I got in and made her promise to text that she got home safely.

It seemed the longest 4 days I'd ever experienced. The days were long but I threw myself into the work involved and found myself loosening up more and more with each day. I missed Bella horribly, however. She sounded sad whenever I spoke with her. She tried to hide it but I could tell.

* * *

I was surprised and frankly, disappointed when Jasper came alone to meet me at the end of the week. "Thank _GOD_you're home!" He ran at me on the platform, launching himself in the air and gave me a four-limbed hug.

"I missed you too honey," I laughed as people passing did double-takes at us.

"Seriously dude, you don't know what it's like with two women in the house. I need another penis there. For balance. And sanity. Don't ever leave me again!"

I cracked up at his dramatic outburst but had some feelings of trepidation creeping around my stomach. Was he hamming it up or was it really that bad? "So where are the women?" I asked casually as I tossed my bags in the van.

"Rose is shopping with Ellie. Bella's waiting at home. She's been cooking up a storm all day, lucky dog." He threw me a smirk. "I'm gonna take Rosalie out and let you have a peaceful night, your first one back. Then you can be in the eye of the storm with me pal."

"Is it that bad?"

He chuckled as he pulled into traffic. "Let's just say we've both got stubborn, aggressive, confrontational girls."

I took a moment to take that info in. It surprised me. Rosalie was domineering once she knew you, but initially she was usually reserved. And Bella... I don't know what I expected but I hadn't thought of her as confrontational...ever. "Well," I gulped. "It's a good thing they're hot huh?"

"Got that right. Jesus Edward, you should see them go at each other! It's like a doberman meeting up with a pit bull in the park."

"Um, Rose is the doberman?"

"Yep."

"And so Bella..."

"_Grrrr!_Scrappy little pit bull. Cute but viscious. You'll see."

* * *

"Anybody home?" I called out as I came through our front door. Jasper dropped me off and left to meet Rosalie. The place looked vastly different than it did when I left but it smelled wonderful.

"In here! I can't leave, it's at a vital stage..."

Chuckling, I set my bags down in the hall and followed her voice to the kitchen. "Wow! How many people you got coming over?" I teased as I looked at the piles of used pots and various dishes set out.

"Just one very important one," she beamed, stirring a bubbly liquid rapidly. "Come here." She waved me over with her free hand and gave me a quick kiss.

"That's it? I'm gone all week and that's all I get?" I took the spoon from her hand and moved the pot off the burner. "Come here you. I missed you." I wrapped her in my arms, lifting her off her feet for a proper kiss.

"Cullen!" she cried out between kisses. "Don't ever leave me again!"

I set her down, gently running my fingers through her hair. "I don't intend to... Bella? Is everything okay?"

She did her lip chew thing and returned to her abandoned pot. "Just trying to adjust. And I missed you. A lot."

Okay, so this was something to discuss later on. "What's in the pot?"

"Pie filling. Banana cream. Do you like that?"

I dipped my finger in the hot jelly, shaking it a bit to cool before licking it. "Yeah. I like that. A lot." I smiled warmly at her. "You know, you didn't have to do all this. We could've gone out..."

"You've eaten out all week. And I wanted us to stay in. Together."

Smiling more, I kissed her neck as she kept the filling moving as it began to set. "Um, do I have time for a shower? The kid beside me on the train was disgusting. His nose was running, constantly. Thick and yellow. Heading for infection stage for sure. He kept hauling it back up his nose and it would hang out again..."

"Oh gross! And look what I'm stirring here? Boiling boogers! That's all I can think of now," she giggled.

"Nah, this is much tastier," I laughed with her. "And he smelled like fish."

"Fish."

"Seriously, I kept checking to see if he had gills. But I don't think fish have snot so I guess he just had a dead fish in his pocket. Anyway, it was revolting. I'm _never_ travelling coach again."

Laughing, Bella put her hands on my chest as she kissed my chin. Then shoved me away. "Go shower. And don't be long!"


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter 35**

"You've all been busy this week," I commented over dinner. "The house looks great...different."

Bella rolled her eyes and grunted. "Like I have any say in it."

"What do you mean? Of course you do. If you don't like something, speak up. That's something I worked on this week," I winked across the table.

"Great. I don't think Rosalie would ever require a leadership course...maybe she'd _LEAD_ one."

I frowned. I guess Jasper wasn't entirely joking. "You're not getting along, I take it."

"Edward, you have no idea! She's a total control freak and territorial and domineering!"

I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling the tension start in. "Yeah, she's a pistol."

"She's a bitch!"

"Or that," I chuckled. "Look, she's not always like that. She's adjusting as well and I know she has her bitchy moments...believe me, I know...but she can be an incredibly sweet girl as well. And a good friend."

"I don't know about that." Bella sat with her arms crossed tightly over her chest, her legs crossed and her foot swinging madly. "You fight with her too?"

"_Hahaahaaa! _Ask Jaz sometime. We've had some major blow-outs. And I'm like, the least confrontational person ever! She has a tendency to be controlling at times and sometimes it's just easier to let her win but Bella, this is your home too. Don't let her walk on you. You don't have to agree to everything she wants."

"She's completely taking over - the whole house! Did you see the stupid poodle toilet paper thingy in our bathroom?"

Laughing, I nodded. "Whew! I didn't want to say anything, but it's really gotta go!"

"I know! Her and Jasper had a_ HUGE_ fight over the common area."

I raised a brow in interest. "Yeah? How'd that turn out?"

"Jaz won."

"And then..." I smirked already knowing their routine after an argument. Bella blushed and started clearing dishes quickly. "Loud huh?"

"No kidding! Oh my god Cullen, you could've warned me!"

I stood to help with the clearing. "Now you know why I said last summer was unbearable and couldn't be repeated. Think of _THAT_, with me in the same room."

Her mouth hung open, then she clamped her hand over it while she began laughing. "They did it with you there? Shit! What did you do?"

Shrugging, I leaned on the counter. "Curled up in the fetal position. Headphones. iPOD. Wished I was dead... or at least deaf. Rose is kinda verbose when they're..."

"No shit! How could you face her after that?"

"Ah, it's good ammo. When she gets a good crack off on me, I've got something to hit back with. She's not a shy girl. She enjoys sex and doesn't care who knows it. It's kinda fun to get her going about that when she's mad at me."

"I don't know how you do it. I wanted to die."

"Sorry." I pulled her close. "I hate that you were left alone right away. And I'm sorry Rose is giving you a hard time. Jasper's been good to you though?"

"Yeah yeah. Jaz is great. Oh! You haven't been downstairs yet, have you?" She grabbed my hand as I gave her a confused look. "Come. You have to see something."

Bella guided me down the stairs, one hand covering my eyes. "Don't peek!"

"Don't toss me down the stairs!" I laughed, stumbling as I reached the bottom. She continued leading me and then held me in place.

"Ready?" she whispered in my ear as she let go.

"What the...where did this come from?" Before my eyes, in my house, was the piano I'd had my eye on for over a year.

"Your parents. It's an early birthday present. They wanted to surprise you." She wore a huge grin, so pleased to be in on it. "Surprised?"

"Stunned! _Fuck! _This is... wow... I don't even know what to say..." I ran my fingers over the cover. "How did this come about?"

"They called Jaz, you know, to see if there was room and to know if he knew which piano you'd want most. He asked me and I told him about the one you play everytime we're in the music store. This is the one isn't it?"

"Exactly the one. Bella! How did you remember that?"

She bit her lip as she smiled shyly. "Because if I close my eyes, I can picture you playing it. You look so beautiful when you play. You love it so much."

"Bella..." I hugged her tight, kissing her head.

"Your mom came and got me to show her which one."

"Yeah?" I grinned. "When was this? Sneaky ladies..."

"Um, Tuesday? Yeah. It was delivered yesterday. We had lunch too. It was... it was really nice. I like your mom a lot."

"I can't believe this..."

"Play!"

"Now?"

She nodded, giving me a shove towards the bench. "Please?" She watched as I started to play, just messing around. And then she came and sat beside me, her head resting on my shoulder. "So beautiful..." she whispered.

I took my fingers off the keys and turned to her. "Do you have any idea how happy I am right at this moment?"

She beamed. "It's a really cool surprise huh? It's a great piano. "

"It's more than that Bella. It's all of you working on the surprise together. It's the special dinner you made. It's being here, with you. I'll remember this day forever. The perfect homecoming. Thank you." I held her chin as I kissed her with all the emotion I felt inside. Her arms wrapped around me as she returned the kiss, full of passion. It was the most passionate we'd been since reuniting. Since my 'start over' kick. God, it was good...and getting better as her hands got into it as well. And suddenly, she was slipping off the bench. I caught her with a laugh before she hit the ground. "Maybe we should move to a better place for this."

"I think so," she agreed with a giggle. We tripped over ourselves as we grabbed at each other on the way to the couch. I collapsed on it, pulling her down with me. She shifted to sit across my lap as she kissed me. "I'm so glad you're back."

"I'm so glad our roommates aren't." My hands moved inside her shirt, feeling every inch of skin I could get at. She followed my lead and I shuddered as her tongue trailed down to circle my nipple. "And I'm so glad you had that rebellion against your dad and boyfriend with that piercing."

"Yeah?" Her head popped up. "Seriously? 'Cause I was thinking of taking it out. I'm kinda done rebelling."

"No! _You can't!_" I pleaded in a whine worthy of a five year old.

"Really Cullen? You seriously like it?"

"I seriously fucking love it Bella." I pulled her into a deep kiss, sucking on it to show how much I loved it. "It's like, you're this sweet, beautiful girl to the world but there's this hidden naughty bit that only you and I know about. It's so fucking hot."

She was giggling and blushing, but she understood my fondness now. And she used it to drive me nuts, swirling the tiny steel ball around my earlobe and down my neck. Her hands still inside my shirt, gliding up and down, fingers lingering around my waistband and then back up to pinch a nipple.

"Bella, you're gonna have to excuse me in a moment," I panted against her cheek, one hand holding her ass in place while the other fondled a breast through her thin bra.

"Uh-uh. Those days are over." She didn't let up on me.

"What, I can't relieve myself anymore? That's unfair and quite impossible."

"Not like this Cullen. It's your turn. If you're there, just let it go."

I held back a snicker. She was trying to be generous, trying to seduce me but she couldn't bring herself to be blunt. "So we're clear, I can jack off, but you don't want me to leave to do it, is that right?" She was about to chew her own lip off so I intervened by sucking on it myself, making both of us moan. "Is that right Apple Blossom?

She smiled at the name and stroked my chest before sliding her hands lower.

"Tell me, Apple Blossom. Do you want me to do it here? With you?"

"I want you to show me how you get off, so I can do it for you."

"Oh fuck!" Here I was, trying to be all sexy against her innocent little girl act and I was completely turned on just by that one statement.

"Can I try?" She changed positions so she had a leg on either side of me and wrapped her hands behind my neck. "Let me try Cullen?"

I mumbled a few words not in any human language before kissing her again. So much for my command of confidence I thought I'd mastered throughout my course. I was a lump of gelatin sitting here with a girl on top. I was aware of her hands undoing my button and trying to ease my zipper down around my erection but I felt like I was suddenly weighted, unable to move myself.

"Um, some help?" Bella whispered. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Oh, right... Uh, okay..." I managed to make one arm move and shifted everything to one side so it would be clear of the zipper.

She smiled as she took hold of the tab and slid it down gently. "You're doing really well with the shyness thing Cullen. I thought I'd have to fight you." She was now completely in control, as before and I suddenly felt very self-conscious.

More babbling escaped my lips as she reached in and made flesh to flesh contact for the very first time in that region. _"Fuck!"_ I moaned as my dick twitched like mad against her touch. "Uh, I should... _aaaahhh_... I should warn you... oh god... um, this won't take long... _ooohhh christ!_" I shot my load as soon as her hand wrapped around my very eager dick for the first time. "Shit! I'm sorry! It's all over you...here...let me get it. Sorry." I wiped her hand and arm clean with the bottom of my t-shirt. "Sorry," I mumbled again.

Bella held my wrists, making me drop my sticky, gooey shirt against my stomach. "Next time will be even better," she said in a low voice in my ear before sucking on my lobe again.

I giggled. Great! Premature ejaculation and then giggling. _You're a winner Cullen!_ A total stud. Bella either didn't care if I was a sexual loser or felt sorry for me because she curled up on my lap and snuggled in as she placed baby kisses all along my jawline.

"Are you sticky?" I asked softly as I held her, my voice raspy.

She held her hand up, examining it before rubbing my chest. "Not too bad."

"Good. I'm a mess. My belly hair's gonna be all matted together." I zipped back up, letting her go for a minute.

She giggled as she checked it out. "Your shirt's got the worst of it."

"Mmm. I'll have to remember not to wear this again before washing. Speaking of washing...let me up? I've got dishes waiting for me."

"Leave them. I'll clean up tomorrow when you're at work."

"Absolutely not. There's no way you're cleaning up after all that cooking you did. I'll take care of it." I pulled her to her feet to give her a tender kiss. "Thank you Bella. For...everything," I grinned.


	36. Chapter 36

**_SM gets credit for names but my undying admiration and thanks goes to Jack White for this chapter. Anytime I can squeeze him in... _**

**Chapter 36**

She insisted on joining me in the kitchen and we put some music on while we worked. When _'The Same Boy You've Always Known' _came on, I quickly dried off my hands and pulled her into my arms. Dancing in the middle of the kitchen, I sang along softly:

_'You fell down, of course  
__And then you got up, of course  
__And started over  
__Forgot my name, of course...'_

"I love your voice," Bella whispered, kissing my neck.

Smiling, I continued:

_'Pretty tough to think about  
__The beginning of December  
__Pretty tough to think about...'_

"Wow. Major mess. And I'm not touching it."

We stopped dancing and I stopped singing at the sound of Rose's voice. "Hey Rosalie. Good to see you too!" I gave her a mocking grin and a wave, my arm slung across Bella's shoulder. "Don't worry about it. It's under control."

"Under control." She crossed her arms and glared.

"I'm taking care of it."

"Before or after you fuck on the kitchen table?"

"Sorry...did you want first crack at that? Hang on I'll set you up. Cooking oil? Baster? Need anything else? I'll alert the neighbours there's not a wild coyote loose, it's just you getting laid."

"Bite me Edward," she hissed.

"You wish," I smirked. "That would get you started. Wouldn't even need the lube by the time Jaz got into it."

"Shit, am I missing 3-way talk?" Jasper joined the party late. "You warming up my girl?"

"Yeah, she's all ready for you man. You know how she gets after a good fight with me."

Jasper shook his head as he clucked his tongue. "Play nice baby. You're not making any friends," he chastised Rose playfully.

"This is our kitchen Jasper! They were about to do it - in our kitchen!"

An eyebrow raised, Jasper high-fived me and winked at Bella. "We've got horrible timing then, haven't we."

Bella rolled her eyes and spoke up for the first time. "For Christ sake, we were dancing. That's all."

"_Edward?_ Edward Cullen? _Dancing?_" Jaz let out a low whistle. "Sweet cheeks, you own this man." He patted me on the back with a smirk as he pulled Rose past us through the kitchen. "Carry on!"

"We'll finish this later!" she called over her shoulder.

"Nah. I don't do sloppy seconds Rose!"

"But look what you will do," she sneered.

All of my amusement was gone in a flash. "That's not even fucking funny Rosalie." I brushed past Bella to charge after her. "What the fuck is your problem?"

"Damn it Rose! We talked about this." Jasper returned to the mix. "Edward, chill man, I'll take care of it. Bella, I apologize for Rose. That was completely out of line."

I looked back at Bella, now leaning against the counter, chewing on her fingernail. She nodded ever so slightly before she turned and ran the water to finish the dishes I'd started. "Get her the fuck outta here Jaz. _Now!_ I'll let you handle her for now but I'm far from being done with her."

"I know...sorry guys. Try to get back to where you were before all this shit. I'm really sorry."

Hugging Bella from behind, my anger turned to sympathy. "I'm sorry Bella. I brushed it off when you tried to talk to me about her...you were right. She's being a complete bitch."

"It's worse than I thought," she admitted quietly. We could hear raised voices below, but the words were muffled. Bella placed the last pot in the drying rack. "I thought she just didn't like me. But she doesn't like me with you. That's the problem. She hates me with _you_."

"I don't care," I vowed softly. "And it's no excuse for treating you like that. I won't let her do that to you." The voices raised more and we both perked up our ears. Still couldn't make out more than a word or two. "Let's go." I took Bella by the hand and walked to the entrance, slipping on my shoes.

"Where? It's getting late, you have to work in the morning..."

"Just for a walk," I smiled at her reassuringly as I locked up. We strolled through our new neighbourhood, hand-in-hand, stopping for a light kiss now and then. The sky was dark blue and a few stars were out already. "Nice night."

"Mmm-hmm." She rested her head against me as we walked on.

"Feel like stopping for a drink? Extra whipped cream?" I'd been frustrated with Rosalie many times in the past, had moments where I didn't like her very much but at this moment, I hated her. The evening had been perfect - barring my embarrassing 10 second hand job. And now Bella was sad. Worse, she was distant. "Baby, tell me what you're thinking about," I pleaded softly. "Please?"

"50 ways to exterminate a bitch in the house," she deadpanned.

Laughing, I picked her up and spun her around. "That's my Bella." She was smiling again and all felt right in my world. We went to our cafe and talked about anything and everything until Bella noticed it was after midnight. We gathered our trash to clear the table and she cracked up when we stood.

"What?"

"Come on..." She pulled me by the hand abruptly, making me drop all the napkins and my paper cup. _"Go!"_ She gave me a shove towards the door as she gathered up my mess. When she joined me outside, she was still in stitches.

"What?" I repeated in exasperation.

"Cullen... Your shirt!"

Looking down, I saw the spectacle she was laughing at. A dark shirt with a very obvious white crusty stain. Not only that, but it had begun drying while we were still cuddling on the couch downstairs and it was all bunched up around it. "Shit. I really should've changed," I laughed at myself. "Are you totally mortified to be seen with me? Completely embarrassed at least? Disgusted perhaps?"

Practically doubled over, she reached for my hand to pull me aside. A group of tipsy girls, probably from our school, were passing by us. "My boyfriend came on his shirt," Bella informed them when they stared at us too long for her liking. "See?"

I held the soiled bottom out as evidence and shrugged as they laughed. "I missed."

"Poor you!" One of them laughed.

"Ah, they're easier to forgive the rapid fire when they're as cute as this one. Better luck next time honey!"

Bella nodded in agreement and grinned as they moved on.

"You're insane, you know that," I laughed. "I could never have done that. I was ready to turn my shirt inside out for the walk home... in the dark!"

"Uh, newsflash Cullen, the inside is worse!" She flipped it up to show me and blew a raspberry on my belly while it was bared. "You're completely adorable."

We finished off the kitchen together when we got back. All was quiet downstairs so I resumed where we'd left off, without the dancing this time. I pulled back reluctantly after several long kisses. "I had a really good time tonight. I'd like to see you again, if you're okay with that," I grinned.

"Love to," she giggled.

"Can I walk you home?" I held my arm out for her and she took it, leaning heavily against me as we walked out of the kitchen and to the door of her room. "Goodnight Bella. Sweet dreams."

* * *

I woke to the smell of coffee the next morning. I rolled out of bed and headed for the can. The shower was running downstairs so I figured it was Bella in the kitchen.

"Morning," I said sleepily as I sat across from her.

"Hey," she smiled. "I made coffee if you're interested. Good sleep?"

"Yeah...man I was wiped. I didn't even get undressed." I was pouring my coffee when Rosalie came up.

"Hey," she mumbled, grabbing an empty cup to have me pour some for her as well. "Sorry about last night."

I cocked an eyebrow at her. "Not me you should be speaking to."

She turned from me to face the table where Bella sat. "Sorry Bella. I was a bitch."

"Yeah. Thanks."

I couldn't help but smirk at Bella's blasé response. "I still want to talk, you and I," I said quietly to Rose. "I'm not okay with how things have been."

Nodding, Rosalie gave me a quick hug. "You're right. It'll be good to talk it out."

"Mornin' all!" Jasper called out. "Everyone happy? Rose darlin? Did you..."

"She apologized, yeah," Bella answered. "Coffee? I made enough for everyone."

"So I never got to ask, how'd you like your surprise, Edward?" Jasper asked as we all sat with our morning caffeine hit.

"Shit, it's amazing!" I beamed. "Which reminds me, I have to call home." I stood to dig my cell out of my pocket.

"_Ew!_ What's all over your shirt?"

"Uh..." Shit! I'd forgotten I was still in yesterday's clothes. Bella cracked up as Rosalie leaned in for a look.

"Oh my god. That's not what I think it is... Edward, that's disgusting!"

I shrugged and grinned as all three laughed. "I have to get ready for work. I should change I guess?"

"Yes!" My friends all cried.

* * *

I walked Bella to work before I went to the school. It wasn't an official work day for me, just a meeting with Davis to get prepared for next week. After filling him in on the sessions I had, he gave me a folder and disc containing information on the summer course, the enrollment list and agenda.

"I'll be leading all the classes for the first week until you feel comfortable, then I'll turn over a portion of the lessons to you. Of course, you'll be available to the students who have inquiries or require extra help. There are classes Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays but I'll be needing you to put in another day, your choice, for marking and tutoring. Agreeable?"

"Perfect! I'm looking forward to it." I actually was. Now that I'd made up my mind to follow through with my plans to practice medicine, I was anxious to get on with it.

"I have one more little side duty for you Edward, sorry." Davis looked sorry...sheepish.

"I still have to do the cleaning?" I joked.

"No...that's part of the additional duty. I'll need you to train your replacement."

"No problem."

"And...Edward, I'm going to be straight with you because I don't fully agree with the arrangements made so if you're not comfortable..."

"What's the problem?" I furrowed my brow as I leaned on a lab table. "The student wasn't your choice for the job? Who is it anyway?"

"A new student. The administrator's niece, in fact."

"Ah." I saw why he disapproved. There were current students vying for my old job and his hands were tied. "Don't worry, I'll make sure she puts in the work. She's not going to have a free ride."

He nodded and patted my back, approving of my attitude. "I have a favour to ask as well Edward. I'd like you to be her student mentor. She's quite young and new here and..."

"The administrator's niece," I finished his thought. "I get it. You don't want her getting in with bad examples."

"Exactly. Just watch out for her a bit. Give her guidance. That sort of thing. I don't want you spending a lot of extra time on this project. I'll put her in on your non-teaching day so you can have time with her then."

"Sounds good. Monday then? I can get her started on the routine and all that."

Monday it was. My time was free until then. I made some phone calls to catch up with friends and hung out with Sam until Bella was done working.

* * *

_A/N ~ I would NOT want to be in the middle of a Bella/Rosalie scrap. I thought of letting the boys off the hook and sending them out but as Esme says, 'you gotta pay to play boys!' :) ~ SR _


	37. Chapter 37

**Chapter 37**

"Thanks for coming with me. I hate shopping." Needing to pick up some clothes for my new job, I decided to ask Rosalie to join me. I'd get two things I was dreading over with at once.

She smiled and guided me towards a section of casual shirts that could suit what I would normally wear. The problem was, I didn't know what I wanted; I just didn't want to look like a slob. So many of my things had small tears or acid stains, buttons missing, etc. Rose selected some shirts that I didn't hate and a jacket and tie. They'd go alright with jeans as well. I bought her a bag she'd been eyeing to show my appreciation...and to soften her up for our discussion.

After shopping, I let her select a spot to have lunch and then we headed for the park. "So, you and Bella haven't been getting along so well huh?" I started the discussion delicately. A lesson I'd learned during my seminar was not to place blame when looking to resolve an issue. State facts and remain neutral. Difficult when it involved the girl I loved.

"It's not one-sided you know. She can't stand me either."

"I didn't say it was. I've talked to Bella as well."

Rosalie glanced at me, surprised. "You have?"

"Rose, we've been friends for a long time. Sure we bicker and toss insults at each other, but that's what we do. I'd like us to find a way for us all to get along without it affecting the various relationships in the house."

She nodded, looking remorseful. "Jasper's had enough. Already. I think he regrets doing this. Especially long term." Her eyes were cast downward and her voice broke up as she spoke.

I stopped at the side of the bridge we were walking on and put the shopping bags down. "Come here," I took her arm and pulled her in for a hug. "Jaz is frustrated, that's all. He wants you here. He wants to make this work." I threw out a bunch of reassurances as I held my old friend. Rose seemed to exude self-confidence but having known her as long and as well as I did, I knew there was always plenty of doubt. "He loves you so much Rose," I said softly into her hair as she clung to me. "You know that, don't you?"

She nodded slightly, sniffling. "I also know I can ruin it, just like that." She snapped her fingers. "When I want something, I fight for it. And I don't know when to stop fighting...I can't stop fighting."

"What are you fighting for now? You have him."

She pulled back slightly, he hands on my chest, my hands still on her waist. "This one's for you."

"For _me_?" I was seriously confused.

"I hate that you've been hurting so much lately. Edward...you're a good guy. A jackass. And a slob. And a pain in the ass in general. But all that aside, for being such a dick, you're really special." Her eyes teared up again even through her smirk. "I hate that she hurt you Edward."

Ah. Bella was right. Rose had an issue with us being together. The thing that bothered me was that Rose hadn't been around us much. Neither during the period in which I was falling in love, nor for the fallout of the Jacob ordeal. Jasper may have told her details, I couldn't blame him as I had told Bella things he'd confided in me about. Problem was, if it had been Jaz, he also would have told her it was the culmination of deceit that had pushed me over the edge; broken my spirit. He would have told her I'd forgiven Bella because I love her. "Who've you been talking to?" I had to know.

"You do know that Bella told Ellie everything."

Ah! Ellie! I'd been reluctant to bring it up with Sam when we'd gotten together because I didn't want him to get involved too. It was bad enough that Jasper was in the middle, Sam didn't need to be as well. "Yes. And so you and Ell have been discussing how wretched my girlfriend is? Is that how it's been?" I tried to remain calm, to keep my tone even but it was difficult.

Briefly, I thought I saw guilt flash in Rosalie's eyes but it was quickly masked with defiance. "You can't stand there and honestly deny that she hurt you. I know you Edward."

"Yeah. It hurt." I held her gaze steadily. "It really hurt. But we're moving on from that. You weren't even around when all of this went down Rose, I don't understand how you can have such a grudge against someone you don't know over something you weren't involved in."

"What? I'm not supposed to care if I'm not there?" She pulled herself away entirely and stood with her arms crossed. "You weren't there when Jaz's asshole of a father burnt him with the soldering iron. When you found out, did you care? Did you not hate him for what he'd done to Jaz?"

_Ouch._"Of course I cared. It's hardly the same... Look, yeah he's an asshole, and I can't stand that he caused Jasper so much pain but I've never been blatantly rude to the guy - because of Jaz. 'Cause he's still his dad." I felt my calm exterior crumbling. "I'm going to be with Bella, Rose. You can't change that."

"And I don't have to like it. Jasper hates his father. But he loves him too. If he showed up today, asking for another chance, Jaz would forgive stupidly forgive him."

"I know," I mumbled. They hadn't even spoken in over two years, but I knew Rosalie was right.

"And he'd get burned again. At least figuratively."

"I know..."

"So I should watch you do the same? And not _CARE_?"

"This is entirely different Rose!" My voice was raised and I was seriously pissed now. No calmness left in me. "Bella is not an abusive ass. She made a mistake!"

"And it devastated you!"

"Yeah! But I'm trying to work through that!" I tugged at my hair in frustration. "Look, I'm working really hard to have something good come out of this. I want Bella in my life. She's going to be in my life."

"She'll hurt you again."

"And if so, I'll deal with it."

"I don't think she's good for you."

Seething, I glared at her. "Well that's not your decision to make."

"I'm aware. Doesn't mean I have to like it."

"Doesn't mean you have to make things intentionally difficult," I countered. "Rose... I understand that you care. Really, I do. I love you for caring so much. But Bella is... God Rosalie..." I leaned against the bridge rail and stared up at the clear cerulean sky. "I've never felt like this about anyone. I'm so in love with her. She makes me happy Rose. I've had this deep lonliness I could never explain, my whole life. She fills that. She's my world. I need you to understand that."

She stood with her back against the rail, beside me, staring blankly at the wooden slats of the bridge. Silently, she wiped a tear away before kicking at my shin. Something she'd done for as long as we'd known each other. I couldn't help but grin.

"You know that fucking hurts with those pointed toes."

"Sorry," she smirked.

"No you're not," I smirked back. "Rose, I'm asking you, as my friend, to accept my choices. Can you accept that I'm choosing to start a life with Bella?"

She hesitated, many expressions running over her face before resolve finally hit. "It's your life Edward."

"Thank you." I stepped in front of her and lifted her chin to look at me. "It means a lot that you care so much. I care for you too." I kissed her softly before embracing her. "Please try to get along. If you got to know Bella, you'd love her too."

Rose snorted against my neck. "You're pushing it."

"Just try to be nice, for me, if nothing else. Get to know her a bit and form your own opinion of her. Please Rose?" I pleaded into her eyes as I held her chin. "Try? For me?"

She narrowed her eyes in mock anger before kissing me and squeezing me tight. "For you. Fuck, you're irresistible. It's so annoying."

Chuckling, I rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head. "Back at you baby. Want an ice cream?"

She followed my gaze to the cart set up in the park. "You know I do."

We got a banana split and shared it as we layed under some trees, enjoying the warm summer-like day. Talking like friends again, I had a much better outlook and a warm fuzzy for her. She had the biggest heart of anyone I knew under that bitchy exterior. I still didn't know why she put on so much armour, but I loved her anyway. Flaws and all.

We picked up some fresh veggies and thick steaks on the way home to break in the barbecue. Perfect day to spend with perfect friends.

* * *

The three of us were in the backyard when Bella got home from work, our banter light and cheerful. "Mmm, something smells wonderful!" She came over to see what was sizzling on the barbecue.

Jasper scooped her up and swung her away from the grill. "No peeking! Should be done in 10 or 15 minutes. Good for you?"

"Great! I'll go wash up." She eased herself out of his hold with a giggle and I followed her inside.

"Good day?" I asked, nuzzling the back of her neck as she dried off her face in the bathroom.

"Yeah. It was really warm in the shop though. I've got to change. You?"

"Yeah, great. I got some clothes for work that I don't hate," I grinned. "Had a good talk with Rosalie too. Things should be better." Her expression darkened with the mention of Rose. She covered it by fanning herself, pretending the heat was the cause of her mood change and excused herself to change. I waited in the kitchen, where Rose was preparing to throw a salad together. I picked at the cherry tomatoes she had just finished washing.

"You wanna leave some for the rest of us?" Rose slapped my hand away as I reached for another.

"Quality control. I'm just making sure they're alright for you to eat." I stole another with a grin as I popped it in my mouth. I was laughing as she flicked water at me and turned to find Bella watching from the doorway.

"Hey!" I pulled her over for a hug.

"Hi," Rose called out quietly. "Hey, you wanna help with the salad?" She offered a shy grin and seemed to be sincerely trying with Bella.

"Sure. Do I handle the food part or Edward?" Bella joked, I think.

Rose grinned more like herself. "It'll take both of us to control this boy around food." Another hand slap and I backed off.

"I can take a hint!" I held my hands up and backed away. "I'll see how Jaz is doing." I lingered in the hallway for just a moment to see if the girls would be alright together. There was quiet murmurs and the sound of chopping and dishes being gathered. I grinned and went outside with a couple of beers from the cooler.

* * *

_A/N ~ Okay, I'm working on some Bella/Edward goodies, but I'd like to get some feedback on how graphic I should get. I don't want to offend. ;) So, same, less or more than the previous interactions? I'd love to hear from my frequent reviewers or anyone who hasn't commented yet! PM me, if you prefer. All feedback welcome! Thanks! ~ SR_


	38. Chapter 38

**Chapter 38**

"How's the war zone?" Jaz asked after a long swallow from his bottle.

"All clear. So far."

"Your talk seemed to hit home with Rosie. Whatever you said, I think she realized things have changed. It's not the three of us anymore. We're a foursome."

This shed a new light on the situation for me. Rose hadn't brought that up with me, but she obviously had with Jasper. "Hey...you're cool with me and Bella, right?"

"Whatever makes you happy," he grinned, shifting the steaks and moving the veggie skewers off the heat.

"I am happy with her," I assured him, not certain if I was reading more into his words than I should be. Rosalie's words from earlier suddenly came to mind - Jaz is having regrets. I thought she'd meant about them making this a permanent thing living together. Now I had to consider a different meaning. Maybe it was the tension Bella and I brought to the shared house that he was regretting. "And you're seriously alright with Bella living here?" I asked tentatively.

"Hey man, I have no problem with Bella. I thinks she's great. Very cool girl."

"I sense a 'but' Jaz. Give it to me straight." With all that I was dealing with, the last thing I needed was bad feelings being covered up.

Jasper turned the barbecue off and turned to me. "Okay, here's the deal - this is new for us. We've never had you so..._involved_ with someone."

"By 'involved' you mean...?"

He shrugged. "Kinda bordering on obsession." He caught my pissed look and quickly explained himself. "Look, I know how you feel about her. It's understandable to want to be with her all the time."

"It's called a relationship Jaz. And yeah, it's new. It's new to me too." I tugged at my hair. "I guess I'm still fucking it up. In ways I hadn't even thought of."

"You wanted the truth..." he smirked. "Truth is, I love Bella. I think she's perfect for you. But at the expense and exclusion of everything else? I dunno buddy. Rose's concern is that Bella hasn't resolved everything enough to fully move on. Meanwhile, you're basing your whole life around her. Neither of us want to see you hurting like that again."

Holy shit! Him too? Why did they doubt Bella's intentions? "So...what...you don't think she's committed to me? You don't think she's over the Jacob thing? Did she say something? It's hurting her, isn't it?"

Jasper offered a smile that looked amazingly patronizing. "See? All you got out of that is she might have issues. Dude, it's awesome that you're totally there for her; just like you are for all of us, but you need to think of your own needs too. I don't want you thinking that I don't want you in a relationship with Bella. I want this to work out for you Edward, I really do. What I want even more is for you to be okay. Take it slow man. And make sure you get as much as you give, that's all I'm saying."

Remarkably similar to Esme's advice. Was I obsessing? Was I putting Bella and her wants and needs ahead of everything and everyone in my life? It deserved more consideration, for sure. "I'm obsessing huh?" I commented quietly.

"Just a bit," my best friend smirked. "Hey, taking Rose out today? That was awesome. I know she got a lot out of it and it was different for you too."

"I should take your girlfriend out more often then?" I cracked.

"Yeah yeah. We'll do a mate swap now and then!" We were both laughing as our girls came out and set up the patio table to have our meal outside.

* * *

I excused myself from our outdoor gathering around 9, claiming I needed to be up early the next morning. All seemed to be going well with my friends but the doubts that had been planted were playing on my mind. I wanted to go write. Often, that was the best and only way for me to get my mind straight.

_Exclusive... _I wrote. _Commitment. Relationship._ I pondered the definitions of each word.

Exclusive: shutting out others, pertaining to a singular object

Commitment: an obligation, a promise to uphold

Relationship: a connection between two people

They seemed like negative words as I thought them through, with the exception of relationship. That was all good. I definitely had a connection with Bella. But had I made it exclusive? Had I effectually shut out everyone else so we could focus on each other? Was I doing that to her as well? I panicked as I thought of the night she sent me out with the guys...the night that caused our first upset; the night Tanya and friends had joined us. Bella was concerned then that I was giving too much time to her, excluding my other friends. _Excluding... Exclusive. _She had admitted to claiming my friends as her own. I'd absorbed so much of her time, even back then, that her day-to-day life was all about me. The friend she had made through me, Ellie, wasn't speaking with her now. And Rosalie... It seemed to be settled but who knew? While I thought of it, I called Ellie and arranged a lunch date with her for tomorrow and tried to convince myself it was for the sake of my friendship with Ell, not just to fix things for Bella. "Okay, so it's for both of them," I admitted out loud.

A soft knock came at my door. "Cullen? You up?"

Quickly, I closed my journal and shoved it in a drawer. "Yeah?" I called out as I stood.

"Just wanted to say goodnight," Bella smiled sweetly from my doorway. "Am I bothering you? I thought I heard your voice..."

"Yeah, I was just talking to Ellie. I think we'll try to hook up tomorrow."

"Oh." Her smile dipped slightly. "Hey dinner was great huh?"

I nodded my agreement. "And no arguments. It's a start right?"

Shrugging, she leaned against the doorframe. "If it'll last..."

Esme's advice sprang forth to my mind: _'Relationships are a two-way street.'_ I'd placed all the blame on Rose, perhaps unfairly. I felt obliged to make it up to her. "You know Bella, you could try to get to know her better yourself. She's really not a witch all the time." I stood by her in the doorway, a gentle smile on my face as I ran my fingers through her hair.

"No. I'm sure it's reserved just for me," she quipped.

"Bella..." I pulled her into my room and closed the door. "She was really trying tonight. She promised she'd back off and give this a go. I'm asking you to do the same. Can you?"

Her smile was gone entirely. The pit bull Jaz had referred to was in the room with me. "So this is my fault?"

"I didn't say that..." I tried to get a handle on the this before she blew up.

"It's implied Edward. I didn't come into this all piss and vinegar like she did. She attacked first! Now I'm supposed to ignore it and be all sweet? _Fuck_ that!"

I exhaled as I shoved my hands deep into my pockets so I wouldn't rip my hair out. "I understand it's difficult for you..." I said calmly.

"Oh Christ. Don't pull Alice's psycho-babble shit with me. I've known her longer than you have. I know the routine!"

"I'm not trying to be Alice...I'm merely trying to save as many friendships as I can. Speaking of, have you even talked to Alice lately?" When I had called home, I'd spoken with my brother and he hadn't mentioned anything.

Her cheeks reddened, out of embarrassment or anger, I couldn't decide. "No. I've been alone Edward. Dealing with this shit _ALONE_. And now, you come home, spend a lovely day together with Ms Bitch and I end up getting the shit for us not getting along? Nice. Real nice." Her seething turned to brooding. I didn't know how to handle this best.

"Sorry." Pfft. Lame. What was I sorry for? Asking her to try to not hate one of my oldest friends? No, that I knew I was right about. "Bella, I'm sorry you had to deal with this on your own all week. It was bad timing, me being gone as soon as you moved in. Unpreventable though. And I hadn't counted on fireworks. The thing is, I'm here now and I'm not asking anything more of you than I asked of Rose. I gave her shit for treating you badly, but she's been my friend for a long time Bella." I gave it some thought. "Longer than anyone else, in fact. If I fought with Alice constantly, wouldn't you ask me to tone it down? To try to get along?"

She sulked in silence, arms crossed angrily. "I'll try."

"Thank you." I wrapped my arms around her stiff body.

"I won't let her push me around though."

"I don't expect you to." I kissed her head lightly.

"I mean, I won't start anything..." I could feel her body losing some of it's tension as I rubbed her back. "And I could try to be more friendly."

"Thank you," I whispered before kissing her lips. Her arms came around to press me closer as our kiss deepened.

"I'm sorry Cullen. I didn't mean to snap at you." Her apology was sincere, and mingled with kisses. Her fingers were entwined in my hair as she nibbled on my bottom lip and my chin. "Can we sit down? I'm getting a leg cramp from standing on my toes," she giggled.

I pulled her down with me on my bed, thoughts of single words with deeper meanings nowhere in my head. They were replaced with thoughts of my hands in various places on her perfect body. My lips tasting wonderful things. My dick, rock hard, itching to get anywhere near any part of her. She was on top of me, dragging her tongue down my neck, her hands fumbling with the edge of my shirt to feel my skin. I let out a moan as her soft fingers tickled my belly. "Mmm...Bella..."

Taking my utterance as encouragement, she removed her shirt and undid the button on my jeans. Growing harder still at the sight of her bared before me, I quickly unzipped remembering her difficulty the last time. Her tiny hand reached in as I kissed her hard on the mouth. "Cullen..." she moaned. "You're so fucking hard!"

One hand held her head to mine as the other grabbed onto her ass, driving her thigh against said hardness. I held the pressure while her fingertips tickled and teased the head below. "Mmm, baby... that's... you're gonna make me..." Abruptly, I pulled her hand away. Seeing her surprise, I brought it to my lips and kissed her palm. "Bella, baby, we have to continue this another time. I really need to get some sleep." More than that, I needed to not come the instant she touched me. Again. I would have to plan a romantic evening for us, and prepare myself with several releases beforehand to avoid more embarrassment.

She sat up, covering herself while she reached for her top. "Sorry, I thought..."

"I like your thoughts Bella," I smiled and stroked her arm. "I'm just really tired tonight."

She left after giving me a soft kiss, closing my door behind her. I finished myself off quickly before my prior thoughts kicked in.

_Commitment..._

I had made many commitments; to school, to work, to my friends, to the rental of this house. The only promise I'd made to Bella was that I'd really try to make our relationship work. And that she'd be the only girl... Damn, all three words back. Exclusive: _Only Bella_. Relationship: _Bella_. Commitment: Make an exclusive relationship work with _Bella._

* * *

I slept horribly and woke in a pissy mood. My own fault. I was obsessing over whether I was obsessing over Bella. Jesus. I showered, dressed and grabbed an apple to eat on the way to work, leaving everyone still in bed.

"Early, both of you! Excellent!" Davis greeted me at the lab. "Edward, I'd like you to meet Jane, our new assistant we discussed."

"Right. Hi." I gave a little wave to the waif sitting at my old desk.

She grinned back and mumbled a shy, "Hello."

"So, you'll show her the ropes, get her started while I make some phone calls?" Davis instructed more than asked.

"Sure sure. No problem." I set my book bag down at the front desk next to Davis' as he went into his office. "So, you're a chemistry major? Or sciences in general?" We made small talk as I showed her around. Discovering she was not strictly chem, I took her on a tour of the entire science department.

"You'll be teaching chemistry next year?" she asked me.

"First and second year chemistry," I nodded.

"Cool. Maybe I'll be in your class. Davis said you'd maybe be able to help me out? I think I'll need a lot of help." She rolled her eyes as she laughed at herself.

I stared blankly at her. "Why did you major in science if you're not..."

"Oh I'm interested!" she corrected me. "It just takes time to get through." She tapped on her head, rolling her eyes again.

Fucking great.


	39. Chapter 39

**_Love and respect to SM and especially Jack White and Kings of Leon for this chapter._**

**Chapter 39**

I raced to meet Ellie for our lunch date, arriving 20 minutes late. "I'm really sorry Ell!" I said as I plunked down across from her. "I'm training a new student for my old job," I explained. "She's a handful. We almost had a third for our lunch together."

"Oh?" Ellie wiggled her eyebrows and laughed. "Edward has a new playmate?"

"Noooooo. A new obligation. She comes with the job. That's it."

We ordered right away since I'd already kept her waiting and chatted about finals and our grades for the year. She told me she almost had to bring a third as well, but managed to drop her sister at a friend's for the afternoon. She'd be her caretaker for the summer.

"So, Rose was telling me things aren't so great at your place." We were halfway through our meal before Ellie brought it up.

"Yeah, about that...Ell, I need to ask you something."

"Sure honey, what's going on?"

"I need to ask you to stop gossiping with Rosalie about my personal life." Bluntness was the route I'd decided on as I'd made my way over. "It's not fair to me or Bella and it's become an issue. Rose and I have already talked it over and now I'm asking you...please give Bella a chance."

I saw she was taken aback by my directness. I didn't normally come out with things like that sober. She was speechless for a moment. "Ell? Can you help me out? Will you tell me what the problem is? Bella says you haven't returned her calls."

"Edward...are you sure about her? I mean, really sure?"

"I'm sure I've never felt like this about anyone before and I'm sure I want to try to build something solid with her. Does anyone have anymore than that to go on when they're starting out? I mean, if I had the gift of foresight, I'd know if I was making a mistake, but I don't. I only have my feelings to go on here Ell." She nodded her understanding. "Is there something you want to tell me? Why are you suddenly so anti-Bella? I thought you two got along really well."

"I know...I really liked her Edward..."

"Liked? Past tense." And the frustration took hold. "Okay, what did Bella do to you to make that change?"

"It's what she did to you..."

"Okay! I got that! I got fucked over. It hurt like hell. I worked through it because I needed to, I wanted to...give it another chance. She's important to me! Why is it that I'm the one who got fucked, but it's everyone else who can't forgive? It's nothing to do with you!" My words came out an angry hiss as I tried to keep my voice down.

"We care about you..."

"I get that too! Thank you!"

"Okay okay. I get it too. Butt the fuck out. Sure, no problem." Ellie dropped her fork on the table and threw her napkin on her plate.

"Ell..." I whined, my head in my hands. "I'm sorry. I'm in a pissy mood to begin with and I'm making a mess of this. I asked you to meet me because I wanted to make things good between us. I value your friendship and I know I've been neglecting a lot of my friends lately."

"Honey, we understand! You have a lot of shit going on."

"Sam told you," I commented. She nodded her confirmation. "Then you should see why I feel the need to move on."

"Are you though? It seems more like moving backwards."

I shook my head. "That's just it. It's different now. There are no secrets. Nothing hidden. We know each other and we're getting to know even more about each other, and ourselves. You haven't been around to be part of that. I miss you Ell. I want you to be part of our lives. Why can't you forgive her?"

"I want to... I'm being really honest here Edward."

"Thank you," I grinned. "I appreciate that."

"She told me a lot of stuff, when we talked after you broke up...she was really, really upset. Heartbroken and lost. Honestly, all I could think about was what it was doing to you. You give so much Edward, and she took advantage of your heart. She used you." A tear rolled down her cheek as she reached for my hand. "That's the part I hate. I can understand that she was confused when she started having stronger feelings for you, but she should have been honest instead of letting you fall so hard just so she could see what a fulfilling sexual relationship was like."

Wow. She really did tell Ellie everything. That part surprised me. And embarrassed me at the same time. I fidgeted with my napkin, avoiding her gaze. I spoke barely above a whisper. "It's more than that with us Ell. Then and now. It's not only sex." It's not even sex, I thought. It's still highschool make-out sessions.

"Edward, do you believe it's truly over between her and that guy?"

"Jake. His name is Jake. Jacob." I said it several times to make it real. He was hurting too. He deserved to have a name in it, not _'that other guy'_. Besides, to his friends, I was _'that other guy'_. "I don't think it'll ever be completely over between them. He's her best friend. Was, anyway. I don't like the idea that she'll always love another guy, but I accept it. And I believe her when she tells me that's all it is for them. If that. He won't talk to her either." I leaned forward and looked directly at Ellie. "See Ell? She came out of this even worse than I did. I have all of you to back me. She's lost everything except me. She should be bitter but she's not."

"Why should she be bitter? She won the prize. She can tease you all she wants and take what she needs...at anytime now, for that matter, since you're in the same house. She knows she can do anything and you'll forgive her."

I shook my head again and spoke softly. "No Ell. It's all different. And she lost a lot. Jake in particular. Alice is wrapped up in my brother so she's not there for Bella as much as she could be. Bella has had so much loss and very few absolutes in her life. You have no idea how much your friendship meant and how much she needs that. Another loss...well, I'm an absolute. I absolutely will be there for Bella and I absolutely won't turn my back on friends who mean a lot to me, even when they make mistakes."

* * *

I went for a long walk, alone with my thoughts after I walked Ellie home. I'd been feeling good about clearing the air with Ell. And if it gave Bella a friend back, all the better. And that's when Jack started singing to me. I didn't even have my iPod, but his voice rang out in my head.

_'Nobody ever told you that is was the wrong way  
__To trick a woman, make her feel she did it her way  
__And you'll be there if she ever feels blue...'_

Shit! Am I controlling her life? I caused her to lose friendships, now I'm making them for her... Is that it Jack? Am I so afraid to lose her to anything that I'll make myself all she has?

_'Keep her in your pocket... Where there's no way out...' _

Jack, seriously, shut the fuck up!

I ran the rest of the way home, Jack echoing through my head as my feet pounded the cement. _'No way out...'_heading straight for my room, I put on some KOL to clear away Jack.

_'I want you...just exactly like I used to and baby this is only bringing me down...' _No! Shuffle.

_'Yeah...your sex is on...'_ NO! Shuffle.

_'I don't care what nobody says, she's gonna have my baby...' _

NOOOO! Caleb, go somewhere with Jack! I can't handle you two right now.

Tossing my iPod onto my bed, I raced downstairs for live conversation. The dudes in my head were freaking me out. I found Jasper and Bella watching a movie in the dark. They looked comfortable together. A small grin made an appearance. That was one friendship I didn't have to beg for and arrange for Bella. I could always count on Jaz. "Hey," I said as I joined them. They were in the middle of the couch. Not knowing where I would fit in, I took the chair.

"Hey! You look great! New shirt?"

"Yeah, I've got great taste huh?" Rosalie replied as she came down the stairs.

"Her selection," I concurred.

"Oh." And Bella was in fighting pit bull mode with that simple exchange. Fuck!

"Any luck with your interviews baby?" Jasper called out over his shoulder.

"Nope. I'm destined to be a kept woman."

Fucking great. This is what I'll come home from work everyday to?

"Who pissed in your Corn Flakes Edward?" Rosalie tossed her balled up resume at my head.

Had I said something out loud?

"Yeah, you look agitated. Rough day?" Jasper was more diplomatic.

"The new kid's annoying. Gonna get on my nerves real fast." Not a lie. "Ellie says hi all."

"So you did have lunch with her," Bella commented. "I thought you ended up working the whole day. It's kinda late for a lunch."

I saw Rosalie begin an eye roll, but she caught herself. "Whenever Ell can ditch her little sister, she makes good use of it," she explained for me.

Bella chewed on her lip. Rose flicked her fingernails. Jasper's leg was shimmying so fast he could spark a fire if he had something against it. Happy crowd.

"Hey, you know what you need?" Jaz broke the tense silence.

"An enema?" Rose plunked herself down on my lap and pinched my cheek.

"A silencer?" I retorted.

"A good party. A night of getting wasted for fun, not to numb shit. Huh? Friday? Before Laurent gets people in upstairs?"

"I'm in," Rose bounced up and down. "Edward?"

"Uh, yeah. Sure." I shifted her over. "You should stop that."

"Oh my god..." She rolled her eyes and walloped me on the shoulder.

"Fuck Rose! That hurt!"

"Well don't get all pervy and I'll keep my fists to myself."

"Well don't bounce on my schlong and we'll have no problem."

Rose cracked up. Jasper was busting a gut. Bella chewed away on her lip.

"What say you, Bella?" I asked.

"Should she bounce on your schlong?" she quipped, heavy with sarcasm.

"Should we have a party. Rosalie is done bouncing. Though I didn't hear a howl so I don't think I was successful."

"Bite me Edward."

So I did. And she slapped me again. So I bit again and then we were full-on wrestling in the chair until it tipped over. In stitches, Jasper helped his girl up before straightening the chair. "My god. They're like children!" Bella said to him as he sat back down.

"Always. Been like this since the dawn of time with these two."

"I always win too," Rosalie winked as she took a seat on Jasper this time.

"So, you didn't have any luck today huh?" Bella asked. Her voice was stiff but I could see effort being put in to try to be friendly.

"All the locals grabbed the good paying jobs before I got here."

"You could always be a professional bouncer," I suggested with a smirk, still laying on the floor where I'd fallen.

"Bite... Fuck off Edward."

I belly laughed.

"Anyway..." Bella ignored our stupidity. "I know someone who may be able to get you into a bank. Interested?"

I sat up, interested in this new twist. Bella being helpful. Rose perked up too. "Seriously?"

"Who's from the bank?" I asked.

"Victoria's sister manages the one by the school. She asked me last week if I knew of anyone. I could see if it's still open."

"That would be awesome Bella," Jasper grinned at her.

"Yeah, very cool." Rosalie was stunned into sincerity. "Thank you Bella."

"Sure. I'll call and ask for you. Um, anybody hungry yet?"

"Starved!" Jaz cried out. "Who's coming with me?"

"We've been talking about Chinese all day," Bella addressed me for the first time since the shirt comment. "What do you want Edward?"

"Nothing. I'm still full."

"And oh so much fun..." Rosalie teased as she crawled towards me.

"Fuck off Rose. I'm not in the mood."

"I'll get you there baby, don't you worry."

"I mean it..." I knew what was coming. I had one ticklish spot under normal circumstances and she knew how to hit it every time. "Stay back. I'm warning you."

"Or what? Did you learn karate while I was away?" She pinned my legs down with hers and held my arms.

"Rosalie, this is seriously juvenile," I scolded.

"Uh-huh. And fun! Squeal for me Edward!" She hit it and got her wish. I twisted to try to get away but she had me pinned.

"Stop Rosalie!" I screamed as I laughed. _"Rape! Rape!"_

"You love it and you know it."

"Okay, this is gonna be awhile," Jasper announced. "Bella? You and me? Chinese?"

Eventually Rose took pity and I staggered up to my room where I pondered my last journal scribblings and the madness that had occurred on my walk home. Okay Jack, you're obviously trying to tell me something. Sing to me. I'll listen.

* * *

_A/N ~ If anyone's curious and doesn't know, the songs in Edward's head are "You've Got Her In Your Pocket" by The White Stripes. KOL songs are: "I Want You", "Sex On Fire" and "Knocked Up". Listen to what's on his mind! ~ SR_


	40. Chapter 40

**Chapter 40**

Wednesday was my day off, as well as Bella's so I planned to make up for lost time over the past couple of days. We only saw each other in passing on Tuesday, and Monday was just shitty. I slept later than I'd wanted to so I rushed through a shower and had a quick shave before cleaning the bathroom. Bella was still sleeping herself, so I set up at the desk in the front room and got some of my prep work done for classes starting next week. Bella slept on. Unable to ignore my hunger pangs any longer, I went ahead with breakfast - now lunch, technically, without her. I was just finishing when she finally made an appearance.

"Mmm. Smells good. I was dreaming about you just now."

"Me?" I grinned. "Or bacon?"

"Um, okay both!" she laughed.

"I'll get yours ready now then; if you're ready?"

"Ohhh! But I really need a shower. I'm all sweaty."

"Some dream huh?" I teased, creating just the effect I was going for. She now had sexy bed hair and flushed cheeks. Lovely. "How much time do you need?"

"15?"

"Done."

"And leave the clean-up for me. I saw you cleaned the bathroom already. Leave me a to-do list if you're going out again today."

I smiled to myself as I brewed her a fresh coffee. I give. She gives. I don't know what all the fuss is about. We seem to be pretty balanced. I took her mug into her bedroom, there for when she got out of the shower, along with a note:

_To-Do - Bella:  
__1) Smile  
__2) Get back in bed  
__3) Smile some more  
__XX_

I smiled when I heard her giggle and call out, _"Cull-llen!" _She was, as requested, back in bed - at least on her bed, when I carried her breakfast in. "This is so sweet. You didn't have to serve me."

"I know. But I've been an ass the past couple of days, I wanted to make it up to you."

"You're allowed to be grumpy sometimes you know. Come sit with me!" She folded her legs to make a spot for me. "Has something been bothering you? I mean, aside from the obvious."

I sprawled on my side, bent around her and swiped an orange wedge from her plate. "Um...I'm just working through some stuff."

"Nothing you want to talk to me about," she stated.

"To be honest, I'm talked out. I feel like I've had people talking at me for days. They talk about me and then at me. It's like I'm so breakable right now they're afraid to talk _to_ me, make sense?"

She smirked at my small outburst. "My delicate little flower... so fragile..." I smirked back and stole a slice of bacon. "Hey!"

"When really, I'm okay, you know?" I stuffed the full slice in my mouth at once. "Basically okay. I'd be great if people would just kinda stay out of it."

"Gotcha." Bella said quietly. "You want to do this alone. That's cool."

"No no no... I didn't mean _you_, people. I meant... _everyone else_, people." I traced my finger up her shin and rested my hand on her knee. "Wanna run away? Just you and me and we can see how this plays out without interference?" I was only half joking.

"You'd be lost without your friends Cullen." She smiled at me sweetly. "And they'd never forgive me for taking you from them."

I wondered if that was said to her or if she was just picking up that vibe since it was, essentially the sentiment of my friends. "You're not taking me Bella. I'm where I want to be." My voice sounded low, full of emotion.

"Are you sure?" she asked in a whisper, maybe afraid of the answer.

"That's one thing I am sure of Snowflake."

"Why'd you call me that?" She set her plate on her nightstand and turned to me. "Do you think this won't last? Is that what you're thinking about so much?"

I lowered my head so she wouldn't catch sight of the tears that were forming. "I... It's not that I don't... I don't even know how to put this in words..."

"Is there a song I should listen to?" She bent her head lower to look up at me with a grin.

Chuckling, I pulled her in for a kiss. "There's so much I don't know Bella, but I do know that I care for you...so much that I would..."

"You'd what, Edward? Tell me. Please?" She pleaded with her eyes as well as her voice when I cut my words short.

"If it was best for you, I'd let you go," I whispered.

"Edward! No! Why would you say that? Don't ever say that..." She was shaking her head frantically, tugging on my arm. Her dark eyes shimmered as they stared into mine.

"Bella...I don't know how to say this...I feel..." I shut up until I felt able to form a sentence, holding both her hands in mine to let her feel some sense of how I felt for her. "I'm feeling like I'm holding you back, taking you from...a life."

"I don't understand." Her tears pooled in the corners of her eyes. "I like this life. It's the happiest I've been in... forever. Because of you."

"Only me?"

"Only you."

"I'm not enough for you Bella. You should have...you deserve more."

"I don't want more..." She stared at me in confusion. I wasn't getting my point across.

"There's a song..."

"What? Tell me what song!"

I smiled at her enthusiasm. She understood me so well. "_'You've Got Her In Your Pocket'_. Check it out."

She thought for a minute. "It's on _'Elephant'_, right? I know it... Can I listen now? Please?" I didn't protest when she put her headphones on and flipped through the song list to find the words that currently plagued me. I laid back and closed my eyes while she listened. It must have been played twice. Maybe three times before she spoke. "You're scared I'll leave."

I nodded. "That's one fear."

"You think I don't know what I'm doing."

My eyes flashed open. "Second... Go on..."

She chewed on her lip as she played the song one more time. "Do you think you're controlling?"

"Ha!" I cried out and hugged her so tight she had to pound on my shoulder to loosen my grip. "You're so good with my lyrical mind. You're the only one who's ever figured it out... How I can think through a song."

"So I'm right?" She pulled back just enough to see my face. "First of all, I'm not going anywhere. Second, I'm where I want to be." She used my own words to emphasize her point. "You haven't coerced me into anything Edward. You weren't even trying to get me when I fell for you. It's just you, Cullen. Everything about you..." She looked away for the first time. "I know you don't feel you can trust me. I understand. But one day, you will."

"It's more than that," I confessed.

"Oh god..." Bella groaned with her face in her hands. "Cullen! You think too much!"

"I know, I know...do you want to know or not?"

"Not." She crossed her arms stubbornly. A cute little frown line appeared on her forehead.

"Bella..." I sang. "I know you want to know..."

A grin appeared in one corner or her frown, but the crease remained. "Go on then."

"Okay." I sat straight up and let it pour out. How I was afraid she'd change her mind and think that being comfortable with Jacob was better than the complexity I bring to a relationship. That she'd resent me for causing the end of her friendship with him, at the very least. And worst of all, that I'd toyed with her. Admittedly, once I knew of her issues with sex, and how easy I could get her off, I enjoyed manipulating her. Sure, it was frustrating as hell for me, but I liked that I was the only one who could get her there.

"Feel better?" she asked softly as she stroked my head. She'd held me, cradled me in fact, while she assured me my concerns were without reason.

"I guess. But now I've got another issue..."

"Jesus help me..." Bella giggled as she kissed my nose. "What now Cullen?"

"I think you're manipulating me!" I teased. "Nobody can get me to talk like this."

"Mmm-hmmm. And boy do you talk once you start up."

"It's like puncturing a cyst. All the fluid just flows and it seems like a lot more than that tiny sac could've held, but it's all there and you're like, _'fuck! Where'd all that shit come from?'_"

"Ew! That's really disgusting!" she laughed.

"Did I get any on you?" I joked.

"No. It's all on your shirt."

"You're really funny, for a girl." I chuckled and ducked as she took a swipe at my head. "That's what it's like with you though. I've only ever gotten rid of all my shit through writing. I can't talk like this with anyone." I turned serious as I reached up to touch her cheek. "Are you sick of my shit yet?"

"Not even close." She lowered her lips to mine and we shared a sweet, reassuring kiss.

"Uh-oh...another issue just popped up." I pointed down as her head sprung away in disbelief. Laughing once she saw what I was referring to, she shifted her legs so she was beside, rather than under me.

"We can work on that one..."

"Yeah?" I grinned as I kissed her hungrily.

"Oh. Yeah."

* * *

We spent a good portion of the day in her bed. Embarrassingly, I lasted only moments longer than the first time she touched me, but hey, at least I was getting off the bench now. She had a nap after her release. I watched her while I composed a new poem. She was so beautiful with her cheeks flushed that way, it made my heart ache. I roused her long enough to take her out for a nice dinner and a walk. When we returned, I invited her to my room this time. I wasn't looking for more groping, but I wanted her next to me. We snuggled and put a movie on that we barely watched between kisses and chatter.

"So what's the administrator's daughter like?"

"Niece," I corrected. "I dunno. Dumb?"

"Edward!" she giggled. "That's not nice!"

"Well, despite being a science major, she'll never be a rocket scientist, put it that way. Unless she's just playing dumb."

"Why would she do that?"

I shrugged and stopped to kiss her. "She's really quiet. Shy. Maybe she just lacks social skills. She's really young too."

"You say that about everyone. You're just an old man at heart," Bella teased. "What's she look like?"

"Hmmm. She's small. Really small. And she looks like she's about 12, seriously. Ever see _'Charlotte's Web'_? Not the animated one..."

"I've seen both! That was my favourite book when I was a kid."

"Okay, well she looks like the one who starred in that. Not the pig. But the little blond girl."

"Seriously?" she giggled.

"Exactly. It's eerie."

We made out for awhile again and the movie ended. I didn't even remember what it was.

"My parents have been bugging for us to come home soon," I announced in a cuddle.

"We should actually have them here, for dinner or something, to thank them for everything. What do you think?"

"We could...we could have your dad over too. If you want." Exams were now over and I'd have to face him eventually. I couldn't put it off indefinitely.

"At the same time?"

"Why not?"

Bella kissed me hard on the mouth. "You're brilliant!"

"Well, you know I don't like to brag..."

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, whatever. I think it's perfect though. Less stress, cause it won't be one-on-one..."

"He won't kill me with my parents present..."

"Stop!" She kissed my chin. "And they can meet each other."

"Before the wedding..."

"Oh god! Don't even make a joke like that in front of my dad Edward! Seriously."

"Okay, no wedding then. What will we tell the kids?"

"Cullen...be serious. Just for a minute okay?"

"Okay. I'll get some dates from my end, you find out when Charlie can come and we'll work it out."

"Thank you." I got a very nice kiss.

"You're most welcome," I grinned. I laid back and held her against my chest. "Bella? How would you feel about asking Jake over? Maybe for the party?"

Her head snapped up. "You're serious." I nodded. "Bad idea. And here I had you as a genius."

"Why not? He'll always be your friend Bella. Have you talked to him?" She shook her head. "You must miss him," I stated softly.

"Sometimes," she admitted in a whisper.

"It's alright to tell me Bella. I understand."

She wiped away a tear before placing a kiss on my chest. "I don't think he understands. I don't think we'll ever be friends again."

"Honey, you'll work it out. You can't love somebody as he did and just stop. You should call him."

"And you'd be okay with that?"

"I wouldn't be okay if you didn't try. I feel horrible that I ruined your friendship. The rest, I don't give a shit about. This ass is mine!" I grabbed her playfully and she giggled as she held me tighter.

"You really rock Cullen."

"You'll call?"

"Yeah, but not for the party. I want to be with you and I don't want to rub his face in it like that."

"Good point. We'll work on that too." Running my fingers through her hair, I remembered her offer to help out Rose with her job hunting. "Hey, about the other night..."

"What about it?" she asked quietly.

"Asking Victoria about that job for Rosalie. Very cool Bella. Very. Cool. Thank you."

She smiled up at me. "You're welcome. She got it, by the way. Did you know?"

"No! That was fast!"

"Yeah, Victoria just went on my recommendation so she'd better be good!"

"She will be. That's another side of Rose you're not familiar with. She's really smart. Very business-minded."

"And a damn good rider too huh?" She looked up and saw me blushing. "Did you get a boner?"

"No."

"Are you lying?"

I couldn't tell if she was teasing or serious but my denial sounded even weaker the second time, as I laughed nervously.

_"Riiiight."_

"I didn't! I swear. She does stuff like that all the time, I'm used to it."

"If you were alone..."

"She wouldn't have been on my lap, trust me. There are barriers we don't cross."

"So no wood?"

"As I said..." I kissed the top of her head as she resumed her spot on my chest. "But if I hadn't moved her when I did..." I got a death stare and a snarl. "Hey, you and my BFF looked pretty cozy that day too you know. You know, your former crush?"

It was Bella's turn to blush and babble. "We were watching a movie!"

"In the dark..."

"It was a horror flick. Can't watch it with the lights on!"

"And the seating arrangement?"

"Oh, should I have been on his lap Cullen?" She turned into saucy Bella and sat on my hips as she taunted me.

"Mmm. That's hot."

"What? Me on Jaz?"

"No, you on me right now. With no bra. Your nipples say you're turned on. Thinking of Jaz?" I taunted back.

"Thinking of that dream I had last night, well, this morning really. It started off just like this."

"Is that right? Were we clothed?" I smirked.

"Partially. I'd ripped your shirt open, but you left in on. I was wearing a skirt and nothing else. Which is odd because I don't wear skirts."

"You should. Easier access." I held her hips as I shifted mine against her.

"Mmm. That's what you said in the dream too."

"What else did I say?" I grinned.

Bella snickered as she leaned forward. "You like the dirty talk, don't you? Want me to go in my room and call you? Or text?"

"Would you? That'd be amazing!" Bella's face was frozen in a frown. I laughed to show I was kidding. Kind of. But not really.

* * *

_A/N ~ Loving the reviews; you girls know where I'm going with our favourite frustrating couple. They're getting there. ;) ~ SR_


	41. Chapter 41

_**Love and thanks to SM. Also Jack White and Brendan Benson for musical inspiration. **_

**Chapter 41**

A day alone with Bella had been just what I needed. I finished the week in a much better mood and with more rational thinking. Even Jane didn't seem so annoying to me. On Friday, Rosalie came by at lunch on her break from orientation at the bank.

"My treat!" She set out gourmet sandwiches for us and pulled another chair up to my desk. "Now that I'm officially employed I can start paying everyone back."

"How's it going there? Do you like it?"

"Love it! So much better than what I'd be stuck with otherwise. I owe Bella big time." I smiled warmly at her. She seemed sincerely grateful and really happy with her job. "You've got a pretty good set-up here huh? Your own office space too?"

"Nah. This is it. But it's a step up from that," I indicated my old table, now occupied by Jane. "Jane? You can take your lunch anytime," I called over.

"I'm gonna wait, if that's okay? I want to finish this up." She was bent over her table studying charts intently.

"Sure. Give me a shout if you need help." I grinned as Rose leaned around me to have a peek at who had the little voice.

"Is she 12?" she whispered.

Chuckling, I shook my head. "Have you checked in at home? Anything going on?"

"Mmm, yeah..." Holding up a finger, she finished chewing before continuing. "Emmett and Alice are there. Em's got the place wired up already!"

"Yeah, it's a snap for him. It's a gift," I grinned with pride for my brother. "Jared got his kit set up yet?"

"He can't get over 'til later..."

"Shit! That means I'll be stuck hauling."

Rose rubbed my back to soothe me. "Nope. Emmett's on that one. All we are assigned to is drinks detail. Em's driving to Jared's, where he'll switch to the van from your parents truck, Alice is then going to pick up Bella and they're going for food; apparently we're barbecuing? Anyway, she'll drop the truck off for us."

"Awesome teamwork there!" I chuckled. "Hey, what's Jasper doing?"

A smile spread across her face. "He's at The Underground. Big news! I'll let him tell you!"

"Yeah? Cool!" I jumped when Jane suddenly appeared behind me, clearing her throat to get my attention. "Problem?" I asked her, trying not to laugh at the expression of amusement Rose wore.

"Yeah, um, I don't know which chart to record the waste on?"

"Waste?"

"Yeah. Spillage."

"How much spillage are we talking about?" I asked, afraid of her reply.

"Sorry to interrupt, but I've gotta run." Rose gathered our trash and her bag.

"Hey, thanks for lunch!" I leaned over and kissed her before going to deal with Jane's spillage.

"My pleasure. I'll meet you after work!"

"Is she your girlfriend?" Jane asked boldly, before Rose was even out the door. It caught me by surprise. "She's really pretty."

"No," I replied bluntly. "I mean, yeah, she is pretty but no, not my girlfriend. Rose is one of my roommates."

"One of? How many do you have?"

"Three. Now, what, where and how much did you spill?"

* * *

"I'm running late, sorry!" I called out to Rose when she came back to collect me. I decided I should repeat the entire lesson I'd given Jane the first day on chemical management and control. Thus, I was fully suited; gloves, goggles, mask, the whole bit.

Rose let out a whistle. "Looking pretty good there Edward. You're gonna get laid every day once you're a doctor. All those horny nurses? Look out!"

I don't think my glare was effective through my goggles, but I held it anyway. "Grab a seat. We're almost done here."

I tracked the amounts while Jane measured and poured, as per my instructions. "We have to keep record of everything used so we'll know exactly what and how much, should anything go missing," I explained to her.

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm being a pain in the ass." She grinned apologetically.

I returned her grin sincerely. "Know what? I'm certain I was a pain in the ass my first week too. Next week will be better. Once the nerves get worked out, it gets easy." I helped her cap off everything and we shelved it all together before I locked up.

"Sorry I made you stay late," Jane apologized after we washed up and joined Rose. "You have plans too."

"I forgot my manners earlier, Jane; Rosalie." Quickly packing up my desk, I stuffed everything I'd need over the weekend in my bag and prepared to leave.

"We're having a party tonight," Rose informed Jane. "You should totally come!" She smirked at my _WTF?_ look.

"Really?" Jane looked up at me with her doe eyes.

I grinned politely. "Sure! You should drop by." Rose was already writing out directions to our house and handed them to her with her sweetest smile. I made a mental note to strangle her later.

* * *

The house was madness when Rose and I pulled up. Emmett hauled me out of the truck and gave me a bear hug. Unusual for my brother. It's normally a choke hold. I was extremely grateful for his muscles to haul all the cases of beer inside. Even more appreciative that he had gotten Jared's drum kit in and set up before I got home. "Thanks for your help Em. You were supposed to be a guest."

"Nah. It's family! Go see Alice. She's anxious."

I found her and Bella in her room. Alice almost knocked me over with her attack because all I saw was Bella. In a skirt. A small one. And bare legs that went on and on... I swallowed deeply as I returned Alice's hug, still completely fixated on my Bella.

"Hey," she said shyly when Alice stopped babbling.

"Hey." My voice was rough as I went to her for a kiss. "You look...amazing," I whispered into her ear as I stroked her cheek. "Wanna call this thing off?"

She wiggled her eyebrows as she smirked. "In a flash."

"That's all I need!" I laughed.

"You're adorable Cullen." She grabbed me for a deeper kiss before I ran off to shower and change.

The six of us had a pre-party, starting off the first case of beer to go with our burgers. Shortly after, Sam, Ellie and Jared arrived, followed by Ty and guests. Escorting Ty... none other than Tanya. Bella nudged me with a giggle when she walked into our house.

"Help me tune up before more people get here?" Jasper dragged me from Bella's side reluctantly. She was smoking hot tonight. Like I'd never seen her.

We tried out all the mics and then the guitars to check the amps. Emmett had done a perfect set-up. And then, with a smile over to my girl, I sat at my piano and played for her. Just messing around at first, but it turned into a song Jaz and I had been working on. He grinned and sat on an amp facing me with his guitar and strummed along. He nodded encouragement and I started the vocals:

_I had a dream the other day  
__Our home made out of snow  
__Daylight came, it's all washed away  
__The shadow wouldn't go_

_It's always worse at night, you know  
__The pain comes, the shadow won't go  
__Rebuild the dream for another day  
__The shadow remains, it's here to stay_

_Well you know I've been away for awhile  
__Your face etched in my mind  
__Hungry for your touch, a little smile  
__The shadow's all I can find_

_It's always worse at night, you know  
__The pain comes, the shadow won't go  
__Rebuild the dream for another day  
__That damned shadow's here to stay_

_Here to stay  
__Won't go away_

_The shadow that you left behind  
__The shadow buried in my mind_

_Yeah you know it won't go  
__It won't go  
__It won't go  
__Won't go away baby  
__Won't go_

It was our first complete play-through of it and the now crowded room cheered loudly when we were done. My heart raced, realizing I'd just sang my very personal lyrics in public...sort of.

"This is our home Edward," Jaz said to me quietly. "You're safe. And awesome." He slapped my back and suggested I continue.

My fingers acted on their own, playing the opening of _'Pull This Blanket Off Me'_, Jaz joined me and Jared came over towards the end. When Sam hooked up, I grabbed a guitar too. The room was full now, with the overflow on the stairs. Ty was nowhere to be seen so I took the front.

"So, hi." I waved. "Thanks for coming."

A lot of Underground regulars showed up and shouted for us to play _'Seven Nation Army'_.

"Huh? Who does that? Don't know it," I joked. "Seriously, no White Stripes. I've got issues. So it's a White Stripes-free party. I am, however, very willing to do the entire Raconteurs catalog for you."

"That's transference Edward!" Alice shouted out.

"Everyone knows Alice? My personal therapist? So glad you're here sweetheart," I grinned and called out "_'Attention'_."

"This is gonna get loud!" Jasper screamed in the mic. He had some new effects pedals he was dying to try out and this was a great song to do that.

Near the end, I was looking to get Ty up. I hadn't had nearly enough to drink to feel entirely comfortable yet. I waved myself out and the three carried on with a song Sam had written. I finally spotted Ty near the stairs, talking to a petite blond. Typical. I did a double-take.

"No no no no no..." I muttered as I made my way over. Jane! Looking very... un-Janelike. "Hey," I smiled at her as I hooked my arm around Ty's neck. "Don't you have somewhere to be?" I tipped my head at the band.

"Yeah! Thanks for filling in E!"

"So, you made it. I almost didn't recognize you."

"Me too rock star! If it wasn't for the hair, I wouldn't have known that was you. Is that your band?"

I shoved my hands in my pockets as I blushed. "_Noooo! _They're my friends. I just mess around sometimes."

"Ty's your other roommate?"

"No!" I chuckled at the thought. "No, the blond dude up there on guitar - Jasper - he's my roommate. And you met Rose of course. Bella is...somewhere..." It only took seconds to hone in on her and I smiled at the sight of her. "See the big guy over there? That's my brother, Bella's with him... Well come, I'll introduce you!"

Bella beamed at me and shoved her hip into mine knowing I wouldn't want verbal praise for my performance. Introductions were made and she stared at me slack-jawed before pulling me down to shout in my ear. "That's not Fern!"

"I know," I replied into her ear. "It's not Jane either. She doesn't usually look like this. She looks like..."

"Rosalie!" we said in unison with a laugh.

"What baby?" Rose appeared between our heads, an arm around each of us. "Oh my god! Is that little Jane? Wow, she cleans up nice. You too Bella. Looking hot tonight."

Every inch of me agreed but it was nice hearing a compliment from Rosalie. I was itching for the party to end so I could be alone with Bella. "I need a drink; anyone interested?" Jane nodded eagerly. Squinting at her, I questioned her age.

"Chill man! It's a party! Get the girl a drink!" The band was taking a break and Ty was back at it.

"Right," Bella retorted. "Blow his career for serving a minor? Smart."

"Yeah, I'm gonna have to see some ID," I half-joked. I didn't really want her drinking regardless of her age. She grinned smugly as she showed me her licence. "You're kidding me. This is real?" I grinned as she nodded. "Happy birthday! You should've said something. We could have gotten a cake."

My friends nearby all gathered to say happy birthday so I took the opportunity to pull Bella away from the crowd. "Have I told you how gorgeous you are?" I murmured into her ear before sucking on her lobe.

She giggled and wrapped her arms around my neck for an amazingly hot kiss. With the stilettos she was wearing, she was closer to my height and easier to kiss like this. Her hips were also in a very good position in relation to mine. My mind wandered as her sweet tongue roamed my mouth.

"Um, sorry to intrude..."

"Fuck off," I mumbled and continued sucking and nibbling.

"Can you at least slide over a foot?" Jared laughed. "You're blocking the cooler."

Staring into each other's eyes, we broke our kiss with a laugh. I reached down and grabbed three bottles. "Here you go man." I opened mine and Bella's as we enjoyed the bit of quiet here. It didn't last long before the sound system kicked in.

"Emmett's playing dee-jay," Jared grinned. "Hey, that new song... has Ty heard it?"

"No," I replied, taking another swig. "It's actually old. Jaz and I pulled it out and worked on it a bit a couple of weeks ago."

"It's good man. Really good. You should let him hear it."

I shrugged and let my eyes drift towards Bella. Jared left us and I licked my lips nervously. "So, uh, where were we?"

"That was your song," she said quietly. "And you sang it. Semi-sober." She stood in front of me, eye level, between me leaning and her heels. "Impressive Cullen. And really beautiful. I don't recognize the poem though."

"You haven't read it."

"Keeping stuff from me?" she teased.

I remained serious. "It's from last year. Different book than I gave you to read. Really different. I don't know if you'd want to read it."

"I want to read it all Edward," she whispered against my cheek. "Everything. Every word you write. You know how you get things from Jack's lyrics? Well, you're my Jack." She smiled warmly at me, adoration glowing in her eyes. "I have a problem with Edward Cullen. It's an obsession, I know. I'm working on it." And then she kissed me before her ironic use of my words in a different context could make my head go into overdrive. Instead, a certain lower extremity did.

"Uh, Bella? We either have to stop or go somewhere...like, now."

"Go somewhere," she panted between kisses. I smirked and led her to my room.


	42. Chapter 42

**_Credit, once again, to Stephanie, Jack and Brendan. _**

**Chapter 42**

As we stumbled into my room, completely wrapped around each other, something caught my eye. Two partially clothed people I didn't even know on my bed. "Out!" I barked. They scattered and fled, clothes in hand. "Where were we again?" I grinned at Bella.

"I believe your hand was here," she placed my left hand on her butt cheek. "And your lips were here." We resumed our kiss, deepening it as I stumbled backwards to lean on my desk, bringing us to the exact same height once more. I pulled her even closer, so she could feel exactly how much I wanted her.

Moaning she pressed herself against my hardness and tugged on my hair, keeping the kiss going and going... Both of my hands held her ass, kneading it and squeezing it... Just needing it. "I love your ass Bella. Have I ever told you?"

"It's just understood," she giggled. Then she threw one leg up on the chair, making her already short skirt raise higher. I smiled as I reached under and felt flesh. Just flesh. Holy shit!

"Bella? You're not wearing anything under this?" My dick knocked angrily at my fly.

"Of course I am!" she protested with a sly grin. "Wanna see?"

"Fuck yeah!" I spun her around as she lifted and flashed the tiniest sapphire blue thong ever made. "Fuck me..." I moaned, pulling her leg back up and positioning myself between her legs.

"I was kinda hoping..." she smirked.

I froze for just a second. Jesus! If we do this, there's no turning back for me. I'm all in. If she isn't sure...I'm dust. Less than rubble. I stared into her wide, honest eyes. Go for it Cullen. She won't hurt you. Don't pussy out. _God... Don't let her hurt me... _"I bought condoms," I blurted. "For when we were ready..."

She smiled so tenderly as she unbuttoned my shirt and then shifted to kiss my neck and bare chest. I believed in her. In every touch, every kiss and nibble. And I wanted her; more than I'd ever wanted anything. I tilted her chin up so our lips could meet, kissing her with all the love and devotion I was feeling. And then the 21 year-old guy who hadn't gotten laid in a very long time woke up and took over. My hands were everywhere, all at once and she wasn't objecting to anything. She held onto my head with both hands when I exposed one perfect breast to suck on. My mouth was full when the door opened. _Fuck!_

The previous occupants had apparently left their shoes behind. I quickly pulled Bella's skirt back down and held her against my chest to cover the top half. They were apologetic enough but I was beyond frustrated. Bella readjusted her clothing and whispered "Sorry."

"Uh guys? I'm really sorry to interrupt," Rosalie said as she poked her head in. "Jaz says you might want to come down and encourage Ty to sing rather than hit on your protege."

"Fucker!" I grumbled. "Ty, not Jaz. Yeah. I'll be there in a minute."

"I'm really really sorry." She actually looked like she meant it.

I wished Bella could see, but her head was bent down, forehead resting on my chest. I lifted her face to see her chewing on her lip. She gave me a sad grin. "I'm sorry too," I whispered before kissing her softly. "I just might kill Ty. Tonight."

"Don't get upset Edward," Bella advised. "I don't want any fights."

I laughed at the thought. "Bella, you've seen me in a fight. Remember? I'm not technically fighting if I'm the punching bag."

She grinned at my joke. "Okay. So I don't want Emmett to fight. And you are not to be a punching bag either. I need you later."

Smiling and heavily flushed, we went back downstairs. I had another drink on the way to soothe my temper more than Bella already had. It had been so long...and I was so close! And the right frame of mind... Damn!

We determined the best way to lure Ty was for me to sing. He'd want to grab the attention. "I have one thing to say before we get the party on again... No one, and I mean _NO ONE_, is having sex in my room before I do. Got it?" I announced with a laugh. "Hear me Em?" I shouted. I'd given him and Alice my room for the night. "Alright, so I'm gonna play a bit with Jaz. If anyone wants to join us, just come on in."

We began _'Rich Kid Blues' _because Ty hates the way I sing it - too bluesy. Rich Kid Blues. Too _'bluesy'_. Whatever. So I generally do the beginning and end and he takes the raunchier part in between. Suits me fine. I hate the way he sings some of my songs as well. He's taken some of my stuff that should be heartbreaking blues and made them into sweet ballads or trippy shit. It annoys me sometimes but it helps separate my feeling of ownership because they don't resemble me. Some, however, I won't let him touch; like _'Shadow'_. I own that one, as is.

Mission accomplished, we got Ty away from Jane but as he took over he dedicated _'Old Enough' _to "Sweet Baby Jane". Jeez. I took the opportunity to leave him to the singing and have a chat with Sweet Baby Jane myself.

"Enjoying your birthday?" I asked casually.

"This is awesome! You have really cool friends. I didn't think you would."

"Thanks!" I laughed as she got flustered and blushed. "Yeah, they're all cool, for the most part. I'd be careful with that one though." I nodded towards my amorous friend. "You know he came with someone."

I think she caught on that I was cautioning her for her own benefit and fled to the safety of Rosalie when Tanya approached.

"Hey," I greeted her and didn't waste any time. "You're with Ty? Then keep an eye on him. His are roaming." I left her with her little friend who I'm pretty sure dated Jared for a short time...ach! Who could keep track! I just wanted to find my way back to Bella.

I found her bounding down the stairs moments later. Stilettos replaced with Keds. Oh well. She still looked smokin'. "My feet were killing me! I'm not designed for spikes."

"I dunno baby, those legs were looking _mmmmm..._"

She grinned coyly. "I'll put them back on later." I leaned in for a kiss but she took a step back, only to stand on the bottom stair and pull me in. "There. Same connections. The view of the gorgeous eyes and the feel of..."

I sucked in a breath as she grinded against me. "Not fair Apple Blossom. I can't easily hide this now."

"Why bother?" she smirked. "You'll be ready for when opportunity knocks."

I was speechless. And knocking again already. I caught sight of Jasper motioning us to come upstairs with him. Emmett was spinning again as they took a break. Once outside, Jaz lit up and took a deep drag before passing it to me. "Jared's contribution to the party."

I glanced at Bella for a sign of a reaction. She showed none. At all. "Want a hit?"

"Sure. I didn't know you guys smoked up."

"It's a creativity thing darlin'. Harmless weed. Purely for creativity," Jaz winked. "And entertainment, of course, when Edward's involved."

"Shut up!" I warned with a chuckle before turning to Bella. "I'm not what you would call a regular user. So I react... Well, it depends on the situation..."

"He gets super chatty and giggles like a girl," Rosalie ratted me out as she joined us, taking the joint from Bella, drawing on it and passing it to me.

"Or passes out!" Jasper laughed.

Bella raised an eyebrow. "Oh don't do that!"

"I get sleepy, that's all. I'll be fine. It'll be out of my system by the time the party's over. Not a problem."

The giggles hit before we even finished. I'm such a lame partier. Luckily, it seemed to affect Bella the same and it simply became contagious. I would giggle at anything and everything and every time I giggled, so would the others.

"Oh shit! Jane!" I suddenly remembered I was supposed to be setting an example for the impressionable niece of the administrator. The one who's word could possibly get me into any medical school I wanted. "Shit!"

My friends roared at my sudden mood switch. It just made me more anxious. And annoyed. And then I forgot what I was even thinking about or why I was annoyed. Was I annoyed? I don't think so. Bella would be soothing me if I was annoyed and she was currently in a fit of giggles and hiccups that had her doubled over. Rose had her arm around her waist, holding her up. Rosalie thinks my girlfriend's hot, I thought with a grin that led to more giggles.

"I gotta pee," I announced out of the blue and headed for the house. Rapidly. _Shit_! There's a line for my bathroom. Same downstairs I bet. Oh god... I crashed into the girls coming in as I was rushing back out. I could piss in the bushes or my pants - it wasn't a tough decision. _"Ahhhhhh,"_ I moaned with relief. The giggles alerted me to an audience. It wasn't the same giggles I'd just heard from my friends. No, it was _those_ giggles. That feeling of annoyance was flooding in when a small pair of arms wrapped my waist from behind.

"Need any help Cullen?"

My Bella. "I need a lot of help," I grinned as I took her in my arms and kissed her. The giggles stopped. Everything stopped as my love and I came down from our high together, under the stars.

* * *

"Are you sleeping?" Bella whispered against my neck. We had sprawled out on the hammock and since I was heavier, I sunk to the bottom and Bella was mostly on top of me.

"Nope. Resting my eyes." I rubbed her bare arms as she shivered slightly. "Cold? Should we go in?"

"I like this too much. Just keep me warm," she murmured, in a very happy place.

Holding her close, I pointed up at the sky. "See that bright one directly above? That star is always there. Even on cloudy nights, I can still make it out. Weird. Anyway, look to the right and up a bit. There's two fainter stars, like twins. See them?"

"No...oh wait! Yeah I see."

"I used to imagine them as twins. But sometimes, only one is visible and I'd wonder if the other one was lonely."

"Profound Cullen. A lonely star?"

"Shh, I'm making a point." I paused to kiss her gently. "I was staring at these stars when I was home last and I had an epiphany. They're not twins at all. They're a couple. Whenever one isn't visible, the other shines just a bit brighter. I think it's because the partner is giving it all it's strength and shine so it can shimmer even brighter."

"Like that old poem, _'Footprints In The Sand'_."

"Exactly. But my version is more romantic and less religious," I chuckled. "Or just really mundane or narcissistic."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because in my mind, that's you and me up there." I spoke very softly and then felt foolish. "Forget all my other terms; we'll just go with corny. Or cheesy. Which do you prefer? Corn or cheese?"

"You." She flipped herself around awkwardly as the hammock swung wildly. "I prefer you, Cullen. Just as you are. I love hearing how your mind works."

"Hmm. Well, if you ever figure out how it works, please fill me in? It frustrates the hell out of me personally."

"It's beautiful. And sensitive. Considerate, always. And...perfect."

"You know what I love about you?" I asked softly.

"My ass?"

"Yes, well that too." I gave it a squeeze of appreciation and poked her in the belly at the same time.

"I felt that," she teased.

"Sorry. Haven't figured out my other, more predominant mind yet either. Anyway, one of the zillion things that I love about you is that I can say anything. Even if I feel stupid, it's my own doing. You always seem to get my intent. That's amazing. It's awesome. There are very few people in this world who put me at ease with myself. None that I've wanted to have sex with...until you."

"You wanna have sex with me?" Her eyelashes fluttered as she toyed with me.

"Very much so. Painfully so."

"Right now?" She shimmied her skirt up just enough to throw a leg on each side of me. "Best thing about skirts..."

"Easy access," I grinned before kissing her. "First time in a hammock though? Us? In a hammock? I sense disastrous results." I swung us side to side to demonstrate the poor logistics of it with a laugh.

"An audience too," she giggled, making me aware of the fact that we still had a party going full force in and around our house.

"Mmm. I should go check on Jane. Come with me?"

"Always."

We kissed tenderly before awkwardly attempting to climb out of the hammock. Once achieved, I straightened Bella's clothes and ran my fingers through her hair while she adjusted my bulge. I was getting used to her touching me randomly and liked that she paid attention to my comfort. We walked arm-in-arm back inside.

* * *

_A/N ~ Sooooo close. Poor Edward! Seems the boy IS ready now. And practice does make perfect. ;) On another note, thank you thank you thank you for the comments and story adds everyone! ~ SR_


	43. Chapter 43

**_SM, JW, BB and the Followill boys of KOL ~ love and thanks to all._**

**Chapter 43**

My worries over Jane were unnecessary. She'd found a friend and protector in Emmett. He was still in charge of tunes and Jane was glued to his side, chatting easily and helping make selections.

Alice came to my side as soon as we joined them, her head resting on my shoulder. "We haven't had any time together. I've missed you so much."

I kissed her forehead softly as my arm went around her waist. "We've got the whole weekend to hang." I sincerely wanted to spend some time with both my brother and Alice, but a part of me regretted asking them to stay the whole weekend. I'd decided that I wanted to take the next step with Bella. To hell with my anxieties, I loved her and I wanted a full relationship, complete with actual sex, not just clumsy groping. My current anxiety, however, outweighed my desire. I didn't want our first time to occur with a house full of people; to be concerned about noises or having someone walk in. I'd feel rushed. And though in all likelihood, it would be over quickly anyway, I couldn't deal with that extra pressure. My dick twitched in protest, obviously not caring if we got disturbed. I was tempted to ask Bella for another adjustment when Rosalie ran up to us.

"Jasper's looking for you." She stood directly in front of me, as Bella and Alice were at my sides. Frowning, she fussed with my shirt. "You're such a slob." Her fingers quickly undid my buttons and when she got to the bottom and held out the ends of my shirt to line it up, she rolled her eyes. "Jeez Edward. Excited much? Is this from before or are you fantasizing about both of them touching you?"

Blushing slightly, I squeezed Bella's waist tighter as I began my normal banter with Rose. "This one's all for you baby."

She took another glance downward and arched a brow. "That's all you got for me? You've gotta stop tugging so often. It used to be more impressive."

"Not really. You're just not shocked by it anymore."

"Not like gym class..." she stopped to laugh at my expense. "7th grade. I'll never forget it. Did you have your first wank for me baby? When you got home from school that day?"

"And the first of every day since... And who says I waited 'til I was home?"

"More than once a day? Still? Not much of a girlfriend you got there..."

"Rosalie," I warned softly, leaning into her for a private talk. "Go easy baby. You've been doing so well. I've been so proud of you. Do you have any idea how happy you've made me these past couple of days?"

"How happy?"

"Extremely happy. This happy!" I thrusted my hips towards her as she shoved me away. Laughing, I chased her over to Jaz, where we both hugged her up.

"Mmm-mmm," Jasper moaned. "My favourite, Rosalie sandwich. I could eat Rosalie every day."

"Please do," she grinned her sexy Rose grin before she stroked his cheek and kissed him. "Do your other thing for me now baby." She turned to me and gave me the same treatment; stroke, kiss, sexy grin. Damn, my dick reacted to her too. I needed to be with Bella soon so I could get past this easily excitable phase. Shit. How could I profess to love Bella if my oldest friend could get me turned on. Was it love I wanted? Or sex. Both, I decided. Except sex was a tad higher on my want list at the moment. Hell, I may not even know what love is, but I sure knew horniness. I didn't have a comeback for Rose and she laughed, knowing she'd won.

Jasper slapped my back with a grin as he handed me a guitar. "_'These Stones Will Shout'_?" he offered up and I nodded, happy to have different words from Jack to replace the ones currently in my head.

With the other guys having joined mid-way through the song, Ty waited until we were done. I didn't, however, relinquish my front spot. I took the mic to address our friends. "Thank you, everyone, for coming tonight. For drinking our beer and pissing in our tub," I laughed with them. "You've noticed some new sounds? Well, we'd like to play with those effects just a bit more and since it's our party, you don't have a choice." I gave sly grin to Ty before calling out, "It's _'My Party'_!" He took it reasonably well seeing as he didn't have a choice. Without missing a beat when that one ended, I conferred with Sam and he kicked off _'I Want You'_, which I sang without taking my eyes off Bella.

Feeling a sense of accomplishment - my boner for Bella, and Bella alone, had returned, and I'd staked my claim as frontman for my friends in _my_ house - I turned it over to Ty. I went to Bella's waiting arms.

"Me too Cullen," she shouted into my ear over the music. "I want you too. Never stopped."

Jane appeared beside us and I held off the kiss I'd been about to give Bella. "I just wanted to say thanks and goodnight."

"Sure sure. Thanks for coming. I hope you had a good time. And a ride home? I'll call you a taxi?"

"No, I'm not far. I'm just going to walk."

Bella was at my ear again and I nodded, taking her hand and Jane's elbow. "We'll walk with you."

Bella went to get a hoodie while Jane and I waited outside. "I'm confused," Jane announced.

"What about?" I asked with a grin. "I'm frequently confused."

"I thought your brother was with Bella, but he's with Alice. So then I thought Bella was with you, but Rosalie..."

I chuckled at the thought of how our interrelations would seem to outsiders. "Jasper and Rosalie are together. We're just good friends. Bella is... ah, here she is." I smiled and reached for her hand as she came out. "Jane thought you and Em were..."

"Oh jeez!" Bella laughed as we started walking. "No way! He's like a brother!"

"If I had a brother, I'd want him just like Emmett," Jane agreed. "He's so cool. You're lucky Edward."

Bella and I grinned at each other, knowing the truth. "I am. Yes. Truth is, Em always wanted a little sister. I guess you've filled that spot for him."

"That would make you my other big brother," she grinned.

"I guess it would," I agreed. "You won't be in trouble for staying out so late, will you? And the drinking?"

She shrugged her tiny shoulders. "It's my birthday. My coming of age. And this was so much better than spending it alone in my room like I thought I would."

We escorted her to her front door and waited until she was safely inside before heading back. "Tired?" I asked Bella as she leaned heavily against me, my arm around her waist.

"Mmm-hmm. Can you make the people disappear? And the mess?"

"I'll try honey," I chuckled. "Just for you."

"Tonight was great," she said quietly. "I love being like this with you." Her other arm came up to wrap the front of my waist as well, snuggling in as we strolled. "Alice has our weekend planned out, did she tell you?"

"No," I sighed, knowing it didn't matter if she told me or asked me or anything. I'd just go along with whatever to make things easy when all I really wanted was to be with Bella. I guess that could wait. We'd been waiting. And waiting. And waiting. I felt movement in my pants to remind me there was a certain urgency. My heart was aching to finally tell her that I loved her. I'd been aware of it coming out that first night we'd reunited, but I was blubbering. And I'd avoided saying it since and cut Bella off anytime she was about to. I didn't want it out there until my head was straight. It's only when I admit it to myself and profess it aloud that it would be real. And irreversible. Currently, my heart and penis were overruling my head. And I didn't mind so much. I rested my head lightly on Bella's completely content.

It was when we arrived home to a mostly empty house and I was given a completely arousing kiss by my beloved and then handed a garbage bag by Rose with instructions to "Take care of the kitchen" that the disturbing words sung to me earlier returned.

_'You don't know what love is  
__You just do as you're told...'_

"Shut up Jack," I grumbled to myself as I stuffed the bag.

* * *

"The sun's almost up," Bella said lazily as we collapsed on her bed.

"Mmm." I was beyond exhausted. The long day, the beer, the weed - all made for a very tired boy. "Hey can you sleep with that skirt on?" I asked with a grin when I saw her kicking off her shoes. "And put the others back on?"

"You'll just fall asleep and I'll only end up with sore feet." Instead she reclined against me. Her head on my belly and her legs dangling over the edge of the bed. "Your stomach's making gurgly noises. Sounds like the ocean."

"You'll be asleep in no time yourself then," I yawned. "Let me up for a sec? I wanna take my pants off." I stripped down to my boxers and climbed into her bed rather than just laying on it. I hadn't spent a whole night with Bella in a long time. I smiled to myself as she got ready to join me. We'd just snuggled in when it started; the noise below. It started off softly, muffled. Then a sharp wail and we looked at each other in amusement.

Rose cried out and we giggled again. Our heads pressed together, we giggled and whispered our way through the thumping and wailing. "Jesus! What's he doing to her?" Bella laughed at a particularly strange howl.

It was extremely uncomfortable for me, considering a: I'd had the actual visual of them in action in the past and b: I was sporting my own wood from Bella's lack of clothing and close proximity. But I played along to make it easier for her. "Hmm. Sounds like doggy style, I'd say. The rhythm's right and she is howling."

"With the occasional yelp thrown in. He's quiet though."

"Thank god!" I laughed and she joined in. "Shhh, it's quiet...they're changing it up..."

The moans and creaking springs were in sync and started out slowly. "She's on top now," Bella took her turn guessing. "Going for a ride...just a trot right now but oh! Here we go into the gallop."

I buried my face in her neck to stifle my laughs as she continued the play-by-play as if it were a horse race. "God, she's gonna snap it right off if she rides any harder!" The bed, though brand new, couldn't handle this kind of breaking in and was protesting loudly. "Damn!"

"Guy's got some stamina to stay in the race this long."

"Hey! Is that a crack at me?" I nudged her with my elbow. "You've rode me longer in case you've forgotten."

"Oh I haven't forgotten Cullen," she said in a low voice. "But that wasn't bareback." Her smirk came into play. She was in a playful mood.

"So what? The rider is still on, saddle or not."

"True, but it's a different sensation for the horse. More like work when he's saddled up. Bareback is more uninhibited. Wild."

"Uh-huh," I squeaked like a 12 year old. "Okay, you win. I can't match his stamina, I'll be honest. But I do have an excuse if you're interested."

"Medical condition?" The smirk returned.

I nodded. "It's rare among 21 year old men. It's called Abstaintania. Very painful. Causes enormous random swelling of the penis and can sometimes turn the guy's balls blue. Permanently. That's an extreme case, of course. Mine isn't chronic yet."

"Acute Abstainten..."

"Abstaintania Bella. Honestly, if you're going to be with me, you should at least know how to pronounce my disease. Anyway, mine are not yet permanently hard and blue. But that will come eventually."

"What treatment is there for Abstaintania? I haven't seen any commercials for that kind of pill."

"Oh, the treatment isn't by any pharmaceutical company, but there are commercials. Very discreet commercials of course. One treatment is to have someone talk you through it. Those numbers are on TV. Very pricy treatment though and not always effective."

"Cullen!" Bella giggled against my shoulder.

"You're not taking this very seriously Bella," I scolded. "A more satisfactory result comes from massage therapy. Of course, this method has side effects that can prove to be quite embarrassing. It's a messy fix. It also requires a working-in period."

"Is that right?"

Nodding, I pursed my lips. "Sure. You know how when you begin a new work-out, you're supposed to pace yourself... build up to the full desired time gradually, otherwise... It's just not good Bella."

She sat staring at me, straight-faced. "You've given this a lot of thought."

Chuckling, I shook my head. "Nah, that was straight off the cuff."

"You're a total goofball."

I nodded, chewing on my lip. "It's what I do best 'cause it comes naturally."

Wrapping her arms around me, she placed her head against my chest. "It's not your best thing, just an endearing thing. Oh jeez! Listen! Sounds like the bed's about to take off!"

I laughed as I rubbed her shoulders. "They're at the finish line now. It's only a matter of seconds." I was right. We both heaved a sigh of relief when all was quiet. We continued talking in hushed tones. "You get that all the time? You must share a duct or something. My room's good."

"She's so fucking loud, I thought you could hear it everywhere. It's weird..."

"Kinda like hearing your parents go at it," I agreed.

"Have you ever heard yours?" she giggled.

"Once. I was too young to have a clue what was going on but Emmett filled me in. He used to have this problem...with bed-wetting...you can't ever say a word! He'd kill me if he knew I told you!" Bella zipped her lips in mime and I went on. "So it was really late this one night and he didn't want to wake Mom and he couldn't sleep in a wet bed so he came to my room. I woke up and we were like, telling jokes and reading comics with a flashlight and then we decided to sneak down and get a snack. That's when we heard it. I was terrified of course. I remember Emmett rolling his eyes and pulling me away from the door. Back in my room, he told me about sex for the first time. It was interesting. And inaccurate."

Bella was amused, again. "How old were you?"

"Um, about 6 or 7 maybe? Something like that. I never caught them again, thank god."

"Edward...I was wondering about something..." Her bottom lip disappeared.

"I don't wet the bed," I cracked. "Usually."

"I'm being serious now." She flipped onto her belly to look at me. "How long has it been for you?"

"How long..." I arched an eyebrow. "Since I've had sex?" She nodded. I sighed and gave it some thought. "Um...well not this year 'cause, well, you know that...and last year it was the Alice thing so I wasn't dating then either..." I scratched at my head in amazement. I hadn't realized myself it had been quite that long. "So, not since first year. Damn. That's a long time."

"Yeah," she said softly. "A long time." She chewed her lip again. "Were there a lot of girls, that first year?"

"Oh tons. You know how attractive science nerds are." She shot me a look. "Okay okay. Serious. No, just one girl."

"Do I know her?"

I shook my head. "Nah. She was older. She's done now."

"Older huh? You didn't keep in touch?"

I shrugged. "It was over before she graduated so, no. She didn't seem interested in maintaining a friendship - even when we were sleeping together." It was my turn to chew on my lip.

Bella frowned. "You weren't friends? Ever? How did you..."

"Hook up? It was that, basically. A hook up. We met in the lab, I was doing extra credit and she was Davis' assistant then. There was just...no pun intended...chemistry, you know? We hung out a bit now and then but once we had sex, that was it."

"You were only with her once?"

"No, I mean, that was it. Only sex. That's what I was talking about months ago when I said great sex without emotion isn't ideal either." I brushed my hand against her cheek and avoided her eyes. "It went on for a few months until I realized it was never going to be a relationship. Just sex. It felt great at the time, but I'd have this emptiness after. It felt cheap. And pointless. Afterwards."

I saw the corners of her mouth lift and I looked at her again. "But during..."

"Great. Seriously fucking great. I'm a guy. And she was much more experienced and...experimental."

Bella grinned in earnest now. "Cullen, you're holding out on me! You led me to believe it was all clumsy fumblings in your past."

"No, I told you about a couple of clumsy fumblings, but I also told you there was great sex. I'm not always on my game but, under the right circumstances, I'm not bad."

"How are the circumstances tonight?"

"Um...not ideal." I grimaced as the sounds from below started up again. "Shit. Round two." I got up and pulled my pants back on. "I can't handle this. Wanna go watch the sunrise with me?"

Bella smiled her perfectly content smile and got dressed herself before taking my hand to follow me outside.


	44. Chapter 44

**Chapter 44**

Bella and I were on an island. No, not on the island anymore, in a boat off the coast. There were books everywhere. Too many books. They'd gotten damp from the sea spray so the pages were swollen and heavy. The boat dipped lower and lower with each wave that rocked it. Panic, for me, had begun. I took the heaviest of the books and tossed them overboard. The water level against the side of our little boat lowered slightly. I felt relaxed. I'd saved Bella. I'd lost several words, but saved my Bella. Several words? I'd lost more than that! Books! Entire books! Gone, just like that!

Seeing my panic return, my Bella, my own saviour, began tossing books into the sea as I had. Panic struck impossibly hard. Fear of losing every word known to me pounded at my chest, squeezing my lungs. With each word...no, not word..._BOOK_ lost, a breath was taken from me. I was drowning. No, suffocating. I was floating. Sinking...

'If you don't stop this obsession of yours, I'm leaving.' Bella said as I struggled to take a breath.

'You'll go back to...him...' I choked out.

'You know I'd do anything for you. Follow you anywhere. You're my obsession.' Her voice was smoky, her eyes sultry. 'You're my world. What am I to you James? Tell me. Before all your words are gone, am I more important to you than anything else? More important than your precious words? James? James!'

_James?_

The boat rocked furiously as the waves grew larger. Stronger. My books that had floated around us were now pulled under and sucked deeper into the vast swirling sea. It was too late for them. And then Bella was hanging over, her hand dragging through the frothy water the last wave had left behind.

'You're losing James. I won't be here forever.' I was no longer in the boat with Bella. My mother, young and tortured, sat before me. Her wild copper hair blowing around her sad face. Her eyes begging. 'He loves me. He can say it. All you and I had were words and now you've lost them.'

'No! There's still some left.' I searched the bottom of the boat frantically for the right one. The right word to use at this moment. 'See? Here it is! 'Exclusive'!'

'_Wrong!_ Try again,' she taunted.

I sobbed as I dug deeper. 'Commitment?' I offered.

She smiled sadly. 'Are you capable? You need more than will to make a commitment work.'

Another word. She needed another word. Obsession? I couldn't offer that one. She'd used it already. It didn't feel right.

'James? Are you with me?'

'I...I'm not James,' I stammered.

Bella returned, my mother's image now gone. 'You don't know, do you?'

'No! I'm lost! Help me Bella. Please help me! I love you! Help me find the right words!'

_'You don't know what love is.'_

The boat swayed, our bodies were tossed around with the few books that remained. My skin was wet from the waves? No, my tears. Or sweat. I was cold and clammy. Anxious. I clung to my Bella. My Bella? A possession. An obsession. The boat stilled but I still grasped for my love.

"Have they been out here all night?"

The boat began rocking again. A wave of nausea hit this time.

"Emmett, don't! Leave them sleep. They look adorable!"

_Alice?_ Slowly, consciousness took hold and I realized I was stuck in another crazy dream. Alice was indeed standing over me. Emmett too. With a big dumb grin. The sun hurt my eyes and I was soaked. Bella stirred against me, burying her face into my neck to protect her eyes. She was wet too.

"Em, I swear to god if you rock this thing again, I'll chuck all over you," Bella grumbled as the hammock began to sway. I kissed her clammy forehead and kicked off the blanket we were covered with.

"You slept out here?" Alice asked.

I rubbed at my eyes, careful not to move around too much. "Yes and no. Couldn't sleep inside with the she-wolf howling so we came out here at some point this morning."

"I know! Crazy huh?" Alice giggled.

Gently prying the damp strands of hair from Bella's face and neck, I kissed her again. "You okay hon? You're clammy."

"I need a shower."

I heard Emmett's deep laugh of mischief but couldn't react in time. We were hit with a shower spray direct from the garden hose.

"Shit! That's fucking cold asshole! Turn it off!" Bella and I both tumbled out of the hammock and chased him. He had the initial advantage of being awake, and armed. But the cold blast had woken us quickly and we had adrenaline on our side. Bella stomped on the hose disconnecting the water flow and halting Emmett's run. I took advantage of his temporary stun and tackled him, redirecting the aim of the hose before Bella stepped off.

"Ahhhh! You little shit!" Emmett cried out, now drenched as well as I took off. We could hear the girls laughing and decided to call a silent truce with each other. Catching them off guard now, they took a heavy soaking before the water suddenly cut out.

"You're welcome!" Rose called out, standing by the water shut-off.

"Oh my god, that's cold!" Alice hugged herself and shivered. Bella continued laughing, wringing out her ponytail.

"Sorry," I approached her sheepishly with a crooked grin. Her t-shirt clung to her curves and her hardened nipples poked at the wet fabric. I felt them against me as she pulled me in for a hug.

"Guess you're not as cold as I am," she giggled when she felt my reaction to her enticing state.

I bent to whisper in her ear seductively. "I could get it up in an igloo as long as I had the visual I've got now. I want to suck on them. Really really badly." My laugh was deep and throaty, full of desire and all-out need.

She licked and chewed on her lips as she tried not to grin. "God Cullen. You can make me want whatever you want with just a word or two. I don't know if it's your words, your voice or that look in your beautiful eyes...whatever. It's really damn effective." Her lips were on my neck, her teeth nipping at my skin and her tongue darting in and out.

The hosing had made my dream seem distant but Bella's comment brought it back. Her tongue was currently driving it away but I was still conscious of it. My heart rate quickened as I fought to not let it overwhelm me. Live in the moment Cullen. The hot, wet moment. I scooped her up in my arms and kissed her deeply as her arms wrapped around my neck.

"Hey hey hey. Do I need to put the hose back on you two?" Emmett threatened. "We're all waiting for you guys so we can go eat. Put it on hold for an hour or so okay? I'm fucking hungry!"

Setting her down, I held her from behind, pulling her body tightly against mine and crossing my arms over her chest so everyone wouldn't have full view of what I wanted to claim for myself. "Give us half an hour to get ready."

* * *

"What about Jaz and Rose?" Bella and I had made it through the day with our friends, though the sexual tension between us had never been higher. Now we were laying on her bed listening to the pornographic sounds of our friends. Again.

"Bella, I had it nightly for a month last summer, remember?"

"I don't mean hearing..."

"Have I ever seen them?" I smirked. "Why? You into voyeurism? We made a tape, if you're interested. It was for film class."

"No!" Her hand flew to her mouth and she turned bright red. I could see her blush even in the dark.

With a throaty laugh, I pushed her playfully. "I'm joking! If there's a tape, I don't know about it! But I did see them...once. No. Twice."

Bella turned onto her side, propped on an elbow. "Spill!" There was mischief and something else in her eyes.

"Okay, well one time was the obligatory walk in. With the _'oh my god! I'm sorry!'_ Rush out, only to go back 'cause there was something I really needed to get and say, of course _'I'm really sorr_y' one more time. It's gotta happen at least once when you have a roommate right?"

"And the other time?"

"Yeah. That. Um... I didn't get the headphones in soon enough and I wasn't completely annoyed yet...just frustrated..."

"You watched!" she teased.

"Well they're right there! And they left the bathroom door open a crack so there was a bit of light. And shit, I was horny," I laughed as I confessed.

"Was it hot? Or weird."

"Um...both? I mean, he's my best friend...and I've known Rosalie since kindergarten."

"I was embarrassed when I first heard them. Then annoyed and disgusted." The lip chewing started up.

"It turned you on," I smirked. "Come on Bella! I confessed that I watched. You can tell me." I sat up and eased her onto her back, an arm on either side as I perched over her. "Did it get you wet?"

"I had just got off the phone with you..."

"Damn! I could've got phone sex if I'd stayed on longer?" I teased as she slapped me.

"Be nice... I was thinking about you, and missing you... You were nice in my mind right then, not being a jackass." She poked her tongue out, flashing the adornment. Not fair.

"What did you do Bella?" I asked in a low voice next to her ear. I dipped lower to nibble at her neck.

"You know..." she whispered.

My grin widened as I layed out beside her, on my own elbow, face-to-face. "Do you have a... an aid? A toy? What did you use?"

She wouldn't look at me, and her bottom lip had disappeared entirely, in her mouth. "I don't have a toy. I just... you know... touched."

"You used your finger," I stated, getting more turned on by the second. "Did you wet it first?"

"No."

"You were wet enough." She nodded after my statement. "How many fingers? They're tiny." I held her hand as I stroked her index finger. "So tiny... Which did you use?" She flipped me the bird and I chuckled before sucking on it. "Next time, tell me when you've done it. I wanna taste."

"You enjoy this, don't you? Torturing me?"

"It's torture to talk about this? You're really good when it comes to making me talk. Tell my stories. In detail."

"You want detail?" she challenged. Now I nodded anxiously. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "I was still dressed so at first, I kinda just rubbed, squirmed against my palm."

"Show me."

Her eyes finally connected with mine as she licked her lips. She let me move her hand down to where I wanted it and I grinned to encourage her. I gave her a soft kiss before I pulled back slightly to watch her work her hand. She kneaded the small mound and stroked delicately. Slowly.

"And then?" I rasped.

"I took my jeans off. And my top." I pulled her top up and over her head and stared as she massaged her own breasts. _Fuck!_

"Bella that's hot..."

"Do you want to take over?"

"Yes... and no. I wanna watch you. It's been a fantasy of mine for a long time."

She laughed softly and her smirk came back. She was gaining her boldness now. She spent a long time on her breasts while I resisted the urge, several times to take one for myself. Then she slid her right hand down her belly and rubbed herself some more, a little more vigorously this time. My eyes darted back and forth, not wanting to miss anything. I was too close for the full visual. She stopped instantly when I got up to move.

"No no no!" I pleaded. "Don't stop now. I just need a better vantage point. Please?" I was afraid I'd ruined it. She had been really into it and now she was shy again, chewing on that plump, rosy lip again. Below us, Rosalie was panting out a rhythmic moan and I was more turned on than I'd ever been. "Please?" I asked again gently as I knelt on the floor beside her. I kissed her lips softly while I put her hands where I wanted them. "Pretty please?"

I eased back slowly as she got back into it. Close enough to lean over for another kiss when she slowed, but far enough to see everything she was doing. She tended to knead her full breasts more than stimulate the nipples. I'd have to remember that. Below, she was very gentle with herself. No frantic finger fucking. She slid it in and out slowly, intermittently. More rubbing than penetration. Interesting. And arousing. My own hand found it's way inside my pants and I tugged while I watched her stroke, pet and knead.

I almost shot my load when she let out a soft whimper and shifted her hips to insert two fingers. Yeah, this was the hottest thing I'd ever seen. Much better than watching my friends that time. Much better than any porn flick I'd ever seen as well. My tugging quickened as her stroking did. And then she stopped. Just stopped.

"I can't..." she sighed with a groan.

"Nooo, baby you were doing so good. Keep at it, you'll get there." I encouraged her with words and then a kiss that began gentle and gradually deepened as my hand took hers back to where I needed it. She was so hot and extremely wet...she was close to orgasm. But she'd stopped. I kept my hand on hers while she started over. My thumb rubbing at the hot little jewel while first one, then two fingers went in and out.

I left myself alone so I could concentrate on Bella's release. One hand was on hers and the other bent her leg to open her up more. I stroked her thigh as I watched her. So fucking hot... I wished for a second set of hands. I wanted one to work on the boob she didn't have a hand on and another to appease my throbbing dick.

"That's it, you can do it," I encouraged as she moaned and grinded against her hand and mine. Her other hand released her breast and grabbed mine that covered hers, pressing hard against all three hands as she arched her back. "So close honey," I whispered. "Stay with me."

I planted little kisses on her raised thigh and she shivered. I ran my tongue from her knee down to where our hands were meshed and she whimpered and shivered. "Help me out Edward," she pleaded softly.

"I am baby. I will. But you're almost there. You can do this. I want to see you get there." I resumed kissing her inner thigh as my thumb traced very gentle circles all around her own fingers. Letting go of her leg, I reached behind to squeeze a cheek and lift her hips so I could get at new flesh to taste. She cried out as my tongue lapped at the spot where thigh turned to ass, her whole body rigid as she shook in orgasm. As she was beginning to come down from it I moved her hands and replaced them with my mouth, tasting her for the first time. She cried out again as a second wave of orgasmic pleasure hit.

My own need couldn't wait any longer. While I lapped and sucked and nibbled as she rode it out, I tugged like mad on myself, ready to explode. She grabbed at me, pulling me away from her junction and sitting herself up so she could reach me. Her hand went over mine as I pumped away. Her thumb circling the head, spreading my pre-come around. When it dried out, she reached between her own legs and spread her remaining wetness on me. I came fast and hard, without control or regard for where it was shooting. When I opened my eyes, she was staring intently. Adoringly. She kissed me as she continued the motion, now solo; my come mixed with her juices made a wonderful lubricant and I barely had a chance for it to deflate before I was fully erect once more.

"It's my turn now," she whispered as she moved to let me back up on the bed. "Let me see how you do it when we're on the phone."

With a wicked smirk back at her, I laid back on her piled pillows and took hold. "Start talking baby," I grinned.

* * *

_A/N ~ *ahem* So not actual sex, but a fantasy of Edward's fulfilled and then some. Hope he didn't offend in any way. ;) ~ SR_


	45. Chapter 45

**Chapter 45**

"Hey you," Alice plopped herself down on the front step beside me. I smiled at her and nudged her with my shoulder. It was Sunday evening and her and Emmett were packing up to leave. "Can we go for a walk? Just you and me?"

I lifted an eyebrow. "Sure. I'll just let Bella know I'm running out for a bit." This was the first time all day we'd been apart. Tomorrow, her film class started and she was gathering her supplies. When I went to tell her, I discovered she was in the shower so I left a note on her desk.

_Bella,  
Gone for a walk/therapy session? with Alice. Be back soon. XX_

I thought it over and added another line.

_Miss you already. Love, Edward_

Smiling to myself, I placed it on her books and left. Alice hooked her arm through mine as we started our walk. "Things are going alright huh?" she smiled.

"Great! Yeah, it's really good. It was a bit rough with the girls getting used to each other, but it's smoothing out."

Alice grinned. "Bella told me she and Rosalie had some issues. She picked the wrong girl to be bitchy with. Bella's feisty."

"She's definitely got spunk," I laughed.

"She also told me you're encouraging her to work things out with Jacob...can I ask why?"

I glanced sideways at her. Should I spill it or keep my latest anxieties to myself. Esme suddenly flashed into my mind, reminding me not to keep things bottled like my mother had. Sighing, I spilled. "Because...I've been thinking a lot lately and I'm worried that I'm isolating her."

Alice gave me a funny look. "Isolating her? Seriously? Edward, are we talking about the same girl? I thought you were really close - that you knew her."

Huh? I had no idea where Alice was going with this. "Explain please?"

"Edward, Bella is more social now than she's been her entire life! You know she skipped a grade in elementary school, so she was always behind socially. Never felt like she fit in. She's always been incredibly shy, but more than that, she's a complete loner. Like, she's actually happier being on her own. Until lately. You do know how much you've changed her life right? It's not just that she has you...which is like, perfect...but seeing her interact with the others is amazing. She's so relaxed with Jasper, like they've always been friends."

"Yeah, everyone takes to Jaz. It's his winning personality," I grinned, thankful to be able to call him my best friend. "I didn't know she skipped a grade. She seems more mature than most of my friends... and she's not shy really. Well, not with me and Jasper anyway."

"She's great with Em too. Even Rose. I expected something much different than what I saw. I think they're more alike than either realize. They'll work it out, which is totally different for Bella. Other than our friendship, she's never invested anything of herself. Ever. Do you get that Edward? You've drawn her out. She's open and honest and not afraid to let people see her. It's awesome."

I was silent as Alice described a Bella I couldn't even imagine. She'd told me that Alice and Jake were her only real friends, but I didn't take it literally. And I never stopped to think about why she only had two friends. "So, she's happier now, you think?"

"Duh!" Alice gave me a slap.

"Okay!" I laughed. "I guess she's happy with how things are. I still think she should straighten things out with Jake though. He was good to her when she really needed someone."

Alice pursed her lips. A habit she had when she disagreed. Her heels clicked loudly on the cement as we walked.

"Clearly you have something to say Al. Just say it."

"If you ask me, he isolated her. He made it so that she thought he was the only one she could ever rely on. He never encouraged her to mingle with the other kids when she went to live with Charlie. Our correspondence lessened the more time she spent with him. We'd be on the phone or texting every day when she first moved. We didn't see each other often, but we were still as close as we'd always been. Then, as her mom got worse and she turned to him more, we only spoke once a week or so."

I had to interrupt. The timing seemed off to me. "How long were they going out? I mean, he's younger right? And her mom died 3 years ago...so he was like 14?"

"No honey. Her mom died two years ago."

"She told me it was 3," I stated, confused.

"They moved to Charlie's when Renee needed full care. Maybe that's what she meant. It was a long, painful illness. We were in 11th grade when they moved. Jake was there during that time. I think the relationship changed around the time Renee lost the battle. But really, Bella lost her before that...I guess that's why she'd say 3 years. She didn't have any strength to really be a mom to Bella. And Bella was still getting to know Charlie as a day-to-day dad. So, it was Jacob or total isolation. I always felt like he liked it that way."

"That's why she had to go to a local university," I worked it out myself now. "Because when she was selecting schools, her mom was still sick. She needed to be there..."

"For when she died, yeah." Alice finished my thought. "Except she died in between. After acceptance, before grad. Bella had a huge blow-out with Charlie when he wouldn't let her switch. There was no point in her sticking around with Renee already gone. But there was Jake, urging her to stay and build a future with him, taking care of everything instead of letting her discover her own way. She was miserable Edward. That's isolation. What you've given her? Freedom and encouragement to be herself. That's love."

I pulled Alice into a tight embrace, tears welling up. It was love that I felt. Love that I gave. I did know how to love. "We don't talk nearly enough Al. You could've saved me a whole lot of anguish. Thank you."

* * *

"This was an awesome weekend," Bella mused happily as she snuggled into me. Her fingers twirled little circles in my belly hair. It tickled like hell, especially so soon after ejaculation when I was still super sensitive to touch, but I loved when she did that.

"Mmm," I mumbled in agreement.

"You're sleepy."

"Mmm," I mumbled again. "But you're not."

She flipped herself over onto her belly, well, onto my belly and kissed her way up. She stopped to nuzzle at my neck before reaching my lips. I could feel her bare breasts against me and then a stirring below. Apparently there was a part of me that wasn't sleepy.

"Want me to go now?"

"Never," I smiled as I kissed her lazily. My hands ran up and down her back. "You're so soft. I'll never get used to how good your skin feels on me. And you always smell terrific." I lifted her to obtain access to her throat, kissing my way down until I had one perfect breast in my mouth.

"I take it you weren't breastfed. You have a fetish," she teased.

"You don't normally complain." I released her just long enough to say those few words before latching on again. It was a fetish. She had no idea how much I loved sucking on her tits in particular. They were a perfect fit for what I liked most. Luckily, she seemed to enjoy it just as much.

"Fuck! Cullen, you'd better be prepared to finish what you're starting here."

I laughed as I switched sides and switched up my technique. I licked the outer edges first, then trailed my finger around it as it dangled above me. She was squirming a lot so I knew she liked it. I chuckled when she drew it closer to my mouth, presenting it to me for full service. Instead, I massaged the first one like I'd seen her do to herself and only licked the other, holding back. She moaned and cupped that one herself, urging me to take the nipple. I licked my finger and wet it before brushing my thumb back and forth across it, then gave it a small tug.

"Ugh! Cullen! You're driving me crazy!" she panted, grinding against my side as she held herself over my open mouth.

"Want me to feed now?"

"Yes! Just do it!"

I chuckled before opening wide and removing her hand. I held it while I took her entire boob in my mouth, sucked, then drew back to pull on her nipple between my tongue and teeth. She was grinding harder. I took her hand down to where she needed it and moaned when I felt her slid inside her panties. She was going to do it for me again. Sweet, sweet Bella.

The arm she was supporting herself on started shaking after a few minutes so I stopped briefly to let her collapse on me. "Is there a better position for you honey?"

She rolled onto her side and pulled me into her again. She had her leg thrown up over my hip as she stroked herself and shivered when I reclaimed a boob. "Jesus! You're good at that."

"More than happy to oblige anytime my love. Anytime," I quipped as I kneaded both of them with one hand. My other hand moved down to free myself from the fabric stretched across my boner.

"Want me to do that? You take over for me?" Bella reached for me but I slapped her away.

"We just did that. We need to change it up. Keep it interesting," I taunted.

"Any suggestions?" Bella laid out, a smile on her face.

I took in her shape, lying there completely open to me in my bed. My heart pounded. It was more than arousal; it was gratitude and appreciation. Respect and awe. And love. So much love. "Bella..." I rasped. "I..." _Say it dipshit! Just say it!_ "God, you're so incredibly perfect." That wasn't it Cullen!

"Cullen, I want you," she murmured. "So bad."

"Mmm, baby so do I." I was getting better with my stamina. I wasn't coming on first contact anymore but I still had worries about staying power when we finally did it. "How about a practice round?" I lifted her leg on my hip again and pulled my dick out to rub against her. She enjoyed the grinding action and I knew from watching that she got as much from outer stimulation as she did from internal, so it was a good round for both of us. When she got close, I reached my fingers inside her panties to help her along while she tugged on me.

She came first this time and I felt a sense of accomplishment. I laid back and let Bella play around with my hardened tool for awhile since she didn't usually get much time with it. I took advantage of her slow, lazy movements to concentrate on endurance, always easier the second time around anyway.

"Not so shy now huh?" she teased. She was sitting back just looking at my stretched out naked form with a grin, her hands resting low on my belly.

"I'd be a lot more self-conscious if you weren't sitting there so brazenly topless," I smirked back. She gasped and crossed her arms over her chest. Laughing, I pulled her down on top of me. "Don't. You're beautiful and perfect. There's no reason at all to ever hide yourself from me. I adore every inch of you."

"Back at you Cullen," she whispered and kissed me gently.

"Hardly the same. The male body is just laughable."

"Not yours," she countered and let her hand wander back down. "Edward, do you mind me doing this? I mean, just touching, exploring - not..."

"Not at all. It's helping me get used to your touch. I don't want to come instantly you know," I laughed before continuing in a soft voice. "Besides, in a way, this seems far more intimate than having sex. I want us to be comfortable with each other. So please, explore all you want."

I closed my eyes and concentrated on her touch; how her hand moved on the shaft, how her fingers tickled and teased the most sensitive areas. She seemed to be paying close attention to all my gasps and moans. Mostly I just tried to relax and enjoy, stroking her back and hair. I became aware of her lips on my chest, the little metal ball circling my belly button; all great but the instant I felt her breath on my dick, it signalled game over. "Bella!" I hissed and jerked her away from the spray.

"Sorry, I ruined it for you." She looked up at me with her wide dark eyes, a little surprised.

"No no no," I whispered as I grabbed some tissue to wipe her hand off. "You didn't ruin anything baby. Come here." I pulled her up to hold her tightly against me, kissing her head, her face, anything I could get my lips on. I smiled gently at her. "Mmm. Do you really think there's anything you could do that would ruin any sexual contact for me?"

"You sounded upset. You're not?"

I frowned in thought. "Not at all. Sorry for making you feel that way. I just knew I wouldn't make it through..."

She broke into giggles as she realized what would've happened if I hadn't pulled her off me. When she got control, she nuzzled into my neck, just like I loved, and then kissed my chin, another Bella thing I loved. "Sometime, you'll let me..."

"Bella," I moaned, feeling my not yet flacid dick moving just the slightest bit at the thought of her tongue...there. "Christ, you're my personal Viagra. As long as you're around, I'm up," I chuckled as I mopped the sweat off my brow.

Her tiny fingers found me again as she giggled, flopping me, now half-mast, back and forth. "Need a break?"

I tilted her chin up and held it as I kissed her so very gently yet fully. "It's getting late," I reminded her.

"School tomorrow," she said ruefully, though I knew she was looking forward to it. "I'll leave you alone. For now." She winked at me saucily as she sat, fully erect on my hips, in nothing but her panties. "Think of me in your dreams." As she massaged her breasts, she tilted forward so I came into contact with her hot spot. Then she leaned in for a sweet kiss before climbing off. "I'm taking your shirt so I can be wrapped in your smell all night," she said as she pulled on the t-shirt I'd taken off early and tossed on the floor. "'Night."

"Bella..." I sat up and pulled the sheet across my waist. "Wait."

She stopped by the door, her hand on the knob and looked back. "You're not going to thank me," she teased.

"I... I love you." Okay! So it was blurted kind of randomly, but I said it!

"Cullen..." she whispered in a broken voice, staring at the floor.

"You don't have to say anything. I... I just wanted you to know."

She took her hand off the doorknob and looked at me. A tear rolled down her cheek.

"Bella? Is this a good cry?" I asked softly.

She nodded as she sniffled. "The best. You've never said that before. You've skirted around it, I know how you feel...but you've never said just those three words."

"I know." My voice was low and rough. "I needed to be sure."

"That you could trust me?"

"With my heart." I gave her a half smirk as I fought desperately not to cry myself.

"Edward?" Bella knelt on the floor at my bedside. "You can trust me with your heart, your soul, your mind and body. I love you so much."

* * *

_A/N ~ HUGE step for Edward. Now, is he truly ready for that other step? Hmmm... keep reading ;) ~ SR_


	46. Chapter 46

**Chapter 46**

Davis kept me at the lab later than I'd thought we'd be. I'd made tentative plans to meet with Bella after her class but I had to text my regrets when I saw there was no way I'd make it. I did, however end up catching Rosalie on her way home from work at the bank.

"You look so professional!" I smiled as she caught up with me. "Sure you want to be seen with a slob like me?"

She linked her arm through mine and walked with her head held high. "Anytime handsome. Anytime. Hey, you've been in a great mood lately. Things are good for you I guess?"

"Great!" I couldn't hold back my grin. "Fucking amazing, actually. And I have to give you a lot of credit for that Rosie."

"Yeah well I make men happy without even trying most days," she winked at me.

"Rose, I'm serious. I've seen the effort you're putting in at home. I appreciate it. It's made a huge difference." I kissed her cheek as we walked. "Thank you."

She shrugged, brushing it off but she was smiling and her cheeks had a new glow. "Yeah, I guess she's not a complete she-devil. She can be kinda cool. Sometimes."

I kissed her again, smiling even more. "That's sweet."

"Not!" she grumbled. "I mean, she's not like, my friend or anything, but I can see, kind of, what you see in her now. She does care for you a lot." Her admission, though sincere, seemed forced. "And when she dresses like a girl, not running around in your shirt, she's fairly attractive."

"Hot. You said she was hot," I reminded her playfully.

"I was drunk." Rose held her stubborn gaze as her heels clicked forcefully with her steps. And then she chuckled. "Okay. She was hot. Happy?"

I danced around my friend on the sidewalk, making her laugh even harder before planting a kiss on her other cheek. "Fucking ecstatic."

She smirked at me as she knocked her shoulder into mine. "Someone's getting laid," she taunted.

I chuckled at her teasing, blushing as I remembered Bella and I getting off to the sounds of Rose's lovemaking. "I don't kiss and tell Rosie. Not even with you."

"Oh hey! Before I forget, Jaz and I were talking and after I get my first pay, we'd like to get something special for your parents. To thank them, you know? Any ideas?"

I shook my head. "Honestly? They'd hate you spending your money on them. Bella and I are working out a dinner or something - for them and her dad. You're welcome to join us. It'll mean more to them...a family thing."

"Yeah?" Rosalie smiled brightly at the idea. "Yeah. That would be awesome." She kissed my cheek now, and dabbed away the gloss she left behind. "Thanks baby. You're a keeper."

* * *

We walked in to the sound of distant laughter. Rose waited for me to drop my stuff off in my room before we went downstairs to find the amused pair. Bella was sprawled on the floor, on her belly, leafing through a book. Jaz was beside her, back against the amps, calling out suggestions.

"Ah, see Rose? I told you they were studying," I joked as we descended the stairs.

"Yes. Very studious. What is that? Mother Goose?"

"Hey baby!" Jasper stood immediately and kissed his girl. "Good day?" They murmured to each other lovingly while I admired my own girl.

"Hey," she smiled up at me shyly.

"Hey back." I plopped down beside her and bent to kiss her lips. "Sorry I couldn't meet you. How was class?"

"Oh my god Edward! You were right! It's going to be so much fun!"

I smiled with just a hint of...something. Jealousy? Regret? Childishness? "I'm glad you like it. What were you working on?"

"Our assignment. We have to turn a piece of written work into a script adaption and then produce it."

I frowned, scratching at my hair. "Not an original? Last year we could write anything we wanted."

"I know, it's kinda lame," Jasper joined in. He sat on the couch now, Rose in his lap. "Everyone's doing fairytales and making them tragic or ironic...something."

"It has to be a fairytale?" I asked, my mind working.

"Just something published. I already thought of asking if we could use one of your poems but unless you have a publisher handy..."

I blushed at her suggestion, then presented my own. "You could do a song instead of a story then, right? It's published words."

"Ah!" Bella squealed and hugged me.

"Brilliant dude! Oh that'd be so cool. Start a new brainstorm Bells. I'm taking my lady out to celebrate. I'll think while I'm out too," he gave her a wink.

"Celebrate?" I asked, confused. It seemed I was the last to know because all three roomies were grinning.

"I'm officially employed!"

"No shit!" I punched at his leg playfully. "Where at?"

"The Underground," he beamed.

"Gigs? Paying gigs?" I asked excitedly.

He nodded. "We're booked every Saturday until September and...I'm bussing tables during the week." He was understandably less thrilled about the second part but it was outstanding news.

"That's great Jaz! I'm really happy for you."

"And now I can stop living on student welfare and the generosity of your parents."

I smirked. "They'll still shower you with treasure Jaz. They love you. Anyway, have fun. Need a loan 'til payday?" I reached for my wallet and for once, Jasper accepted my offer.

"Thanks man. I'll pay you back." He slapped my back roughly. I could see the pride he felt and it was only a portion of the pride I felt for him. He never asked for anything, my friend. But he would give me the last dollar he had if I needed it. He was independent, self-sufficient and going places. A true survivor.

After they left, I pulled Bella up on the couch with me for a cuddle. "Want me to take you out? Or should we fix something here for dinner?" She had her legs stretched across mine and I rubbed her calves as she nipped at my neck.

"Can't. I have to work." She took my earlobe into her mouth and tugged on it with her teeth.

"Um... When exactly are you supposed to be working?" I looked at my watch.

"Oh my god! I had no idea it was this late! Oh! Sorry Edward," she said as she gave me a quick kiss, scrambling to get up. "I gotta run."

I followed her upstairs and gathered my things before waiting at the front door. She came rushing out of the bathroom, toothbrush in her mouth and one shoe on. "I can't find my shoe!" Toothpaste flew as she spoke around the brush.

Chuckling, I went through the closet in the hall, digging through a pile we had yet to sort out. It wouldn't be in one of the boxes. I came up with a bicycle pump, though we had no bikes. A soccer ball, deflated. A silver spiked shoe that could only be Rosalie's and...a red Converse. Smiling, I held up the prize and went to find Bella.

"You're a lifesaver!" I was rewarded with a hug and the smile that melted my heart every time. "I'll make it up to you later," she promised.

"Okay, well let's go!" I grabbed her bag and mine and opened the door.

"Wha...you're coming?"

"You have to eat Bella. I'll leave you and our things at the bookshop and then go get our dinner. We'll eat while you work...we've done this dozens of times. You can't have forgotten," I teased.

"But you just worked all day!"

I shrugged as I trotted to keep up with her. "Makes no difference. I have notes to do over, I can do that just as easily at your work. After that, I'll just grab a book and plant myself somewhere until you're done. Not a huge deal."

I got another smile on the run. "Cullen, you're so..."

"I know, I know. Sweet."

"And lovable. Thoughtful. Generous..."

"I'm gonna get an inflated ego, you do know that," I laughed.

"And really damn sexy!" She stopped on the corner to catch her breath and gave me a kiss. "Really sexy." She took the bags from me. "I want a chicken salad. And a Coke. Thanks sweetie!"

* * *

Jasper and Rose were continuing their celebration at home when Bella finished work. "Hammock?" she suggested when we heard the first moan.

"Race you!" We ran for the side door and out into the yard. Bella made it to the hammock first but had difficulty climbing in. I leapt around her, claiming my dominance. "Ass!" she giggled as I tucked my hands behind my head.

I relented and held my hands out to help her up. "Ow! Watch your knee!"

"Sorry!" she giggled as the hammock rocked us wildly until she settled in. "Show me our stars again?"

Hugging her, I pointed them out. "They're pretty equal tonight."

"Hmm. But mine should be shining brighter because you've done everything for me today."

"I only do what I want to do honey." We kissed tenderly as the hammock swayed in the breeze. "It doesn't have to be even every day."

"I spoke with Charlie this morning," she blurted out.

"Oh? And how is he?" And are my balls safe from his pistol?

"Good. He's available next weekend. That was one of your parents' options too right?"

"Yeah. Great. So he'll come?"

She nodded as she turned slightly to get a better cuddle going. "In return, he wants me to come visit this weekend. I'm working Saturday, but he's going to pick me up after and bring me home on Sunday."

"Oh." I couldn't hide my disappointment completely. My birthday was a week from today and I'd hoped we'd celebrate on the weekend. "You'll miss Eclipse's debut as headliners."

"I know." She kissed my chin several times. "I'm really sorry Edward. I didn't feel like I had a choice."

I smiled sympathetically. "I know all about that Bella. It's fine. I _will_ miss you though."

"I'll be back for your birthday. I booked off work. We'll do something special. What do you want anyway?"

"You," I chuckled. "I got that early though. Like my piano." I played with the fingers on her hand as I held it up to the moonlight. "It's just a day Bella. No big deal. To me, this is special." I meant that. But I still felt neglected. And childish for feeling neglected. "Maybe I'll take the opportunity to go home myself. That way I won't curl up in a corner somewhere, pining for you until you come back to me."

"As if," she giggled, poking at my dimple rather than kissing it.

"You don't think I'll miss you?"

"Maybe. But you could go on without me. You'd join your friends at the bar, enjoy the gig. Maybe even get on stage with them. Get drunk. Go home and pass out or jerk off. Or both." She was teasing but I couldn't help but feel like she actually believed I could go on like that without her.

"Probably," I began to tease back but couldn't follow through. "You do know I was a complete wreck those weeks when you pushed me away. When you were sorting things out at home. I didn't do any of that. Except get drunk. Even that didn't really entice me. I cried a lot, actually. That was the primary thing that occupied my days."

"You cried?" she whispered as she stroked my cheek. "Cullen..."

"A lot Bella. More than I have in my entire life." I shook my head as she began to apologize. "Shhh. It's done. But I don't ever want to feel like that again." I felt like I was choking on my admission to her. "That's why I couldn't...why I waited so long to say that I love you. Because..."

"Oh, sweetie!" She wrapped me tightly and kissed my face over and over. "You were scared to let it be true?"

"Words make it real. If you left me again, and I hadn't put it into words, maybe I could like, convince myself it wasn't real. Somehow... I dunno."

"I won't," she vowed. I nodded. "You believe that don't you?"

I gave her a crooked grin. "I can only believe what I know to be true. Today, you love me."

"And the next and the next... Edward, you did say it. You must trust me a little by now."

"I trust you," I assured her. "It's myself I don't trust. My mom was talking about how much work must go into a relationship. It kinda scared me." I cupped her face to look into her eyes. "I've never wanted to be like we are with anyone else. The knowledge that I'm a total fuck-up combined with the fear that I'm not mature enough to handle this...it's daunting. But I want this Bella. I want you. For as long as you're willing to endure my neurotic ways...and even after you've had enough. If that day comes, I'd give you all I have to give. Your star would shine on brightly but mine would fade out entirely."

"Sweetie, don't think like that," she whispered against my cheek. "You have no idea what you mean to me. And I don't know why you can't see that Edward. I don't want one bright star, I want the couple of shimmering stars that sometimes disappear together. That's when they're off sliding on moonbeams and ducking behind giant asteroids for a grope."

I chuckled at her twist on my stars. "You don't understand. I would willingly extinguish my star if it made yours shine forever. 'Cause I'd always be part of you. In some small way."

"In some massive way, you already are Cullen. You already are." She held my face as she kissed me. Softly at first, but deepening it to show me how intensely she meant her words. "I love you Cullen. I just love you."


	47. Chapter 47

**Chapter 47**

Emmett came to pick me up Saturday, just after noon. I got him to stop by Bella's work so I could say goodbye. Again. "Christ, you'll only be apart for a day man. You're so whipped!" My brother teased me with a grin when I ran in for Bella's mocha and a chocolate rose from the cafe.

"Hey, don't hate on me just because I show my girl how special she is. Take notes bro," I winked as we went into Bella's shop.

"Hey! Cullens - plural! Lucky me!" She smiled as she came to greet us, hugging my brother first and then me. I was rewarded with a very nice kiss for the treats I'd brought. I smiled smugly at Emmett.

"So your dad's driving you back, right? If not, call me so I can meet you at the train station." I kissed the top of her head, pausing to inhale and memorize her scent.

"I will, promise. Em, you're bringing Edward back too? 'Cause Alice is sending some stuff. Don't let her forget!"

"What's she sending?"

"Never mind nosey!" She swatted my chest, but stood on her toes to kiss my neck.

"Vibrator. Alice doesn't have a need for it anymore," Emmett cracked.

"Fuck off Em," Bella and I said as one, laughing.

"Shit! I forgot to bring the book for you." Bella had asked to read my poetry book from last year. She'd wanted to take it home with her. "When you go home to get your stuff, it's in my room. Second shelf, I think. There's 3 or 4 of them. Just take what you want. Sorry."

"It's fine...thank you." She wrapped her arms around me. "And thank you for the mocha and chocolate." She kissed my chin. "Have a good time. I'll see you tomorrow night." She stood on her toes to give me a proper heart-racing, weak-kneed, full body tingling send off.

"_Ahem!_" Emmett cleared his throat loudly. "There are others present you know."

"Yeah yeah," I waved him off and returned Bella's kiss. "Call me if you need anything."

We were silent for the first 10 minutes or so. I was missing Bella already. My thoughts strayed to seeing her in the kitchen that morning, wearing her baby blue panties and my shirt that she'd had all week. And the way she chatted excitedly after her first class earlier in the week. How I'd caught her and Rosalie laughing together over coffee another morning and refusing to fill me in on their joke. And Bella the night of the party... _Jesus._

"So, you getting any yet or what?" Emmett's intrusive question pushed it's way into my thoughts.

I glared at him sideways. "Em..."

Snickering, he punched my leg. "I know. _'Fuck off'_."

"Bella...she's..." I struggled to find the right words to explain to my brother this wasn't my normal _'I'm not talking about it' _deal. I actually kind of wanted to talk. "She's different Em. It's really weird. I've never wanted a girl more and yet I'd wait for her forever. Make sense?"

Emmett actually gave it some thought before responding instead of firing off an insult. "I think what you have here, little brother, is a serious case of love and your first mature relationship. There's the difference."

"Mature? Seriously? I feel like a kid around her most of the time," I confessed.

Emmett shook his head. "Nah. That's just being comfortable being yourself with her." He reached for the radio to flick it off. "Wanna know something?" he grinned. "I'm experiencing the same thing. First time ever."

Smiling at Emmett's confession, I relaxed. He had much more experience than I did and he felt the same. It also gave me immense pleasure to know he was happy...and Alice was happy. Happy, together. He related a few stories that didn't make me cringe so I felt able to open up as well. We were home before we stopped talking. It was the best conversation we'd ever had. I don't know who was more anxious when we pulled in the driveway, my mom or Alice. Both latched on and talked my ear off. My mom won out, arguing that 'us kids' would have all night to talk, she wanted me now. I casted a confused look at Emmett.

"Yeah, we're taking you out for your birthday. No parents allowed!" He flashed Esme his winning smile to smooth his comment over.

Over dinner, my parents chattered on and on about meeting Charlie and what they could bring. I refused all offers. "This is our treat, totally. You bring nothing!" I insisted. The three of us headed out when it got dark, with Esme reminding us not to drink and drive and to be home at a respectable hour. I promised we'd behave and kissed her goodnight. Always a mother first.

"Where are we going?" I leaned between Alice and Emmett from the backseat.

"Put your seat belt on dickhead! Mom'll kill me if you get hurt! We're going to The Underground. We can't miss Jasper's first night."

Leaning back, buckled in, I let the warmth flood me. "I know I sound like a pussy, but man, it's really cool that you're thinking of Jaz like this."

"Yeah well, my second pain in the ass has been around long enough that I kinda feel responsible for him too," Emmett smirked at me through the mirror. "By the way, I asked Jane if she wanted to come along. We're stopping to get her."

"Picked up another pain in the ass huh?" I chuckled.

"Why not? She's actually a pretty cool kid."

Jasper was completely surprised and thrilled to see us. Rose as well. "Thank _GOD_! He's been switching between sulking and hyperactivity. And Ellie's not here for me to hang with so I've been stuck with him!" The five of us claimed our spot up front well before they came on, Emmett sipping a Coke as the designated driver so I could drink. Jane stuck with Cokes as well and stayed glued to him.

Rose leaned on my shoulder with her arm around my waist between the last two songs. "It's too bad Bella isn't here."

"Sarcasm Rose?"

"No. Not at all. I know how happy she makes you. That's all I want for you baby." She kissed my cheek before snuggling in to hear the ballad Jaz and Ty were harmonizing on.

I'd always cared for Rose, but I'd never felt this level of affection until now. I didn't let go of her until we were backstage and Jaz pulled her away. "You should've came up!" Jasper shouted, still in concert mode.

I shook my head with a quiet chuckle. "Nah man. This was your night. And know what? You didn't look like a 'tard!"

We drank and laughed together for another hour or so before Alice, in a forced sober moment, reminded us of my promise to Esme. She rode with me in the back on the way home, much to Emmett's relief, even after dropping Jane off. "She can chew your ear off for awhile. Let me drive in peace." I don't know how peaceful it was, Alice and I sang along to every song on the radio, whether we knew it or not, very badly. And after that phase ended, the giggles started. Even drunk, I was aware that I seriously needed to work on not giggling. It was the least manly thing I could do. And I seemed to do it often lately.

"Hey! You're meeting Charlie next week!" Alice suddenly exclaimed.

I groaned dramatically. "Don't remind me Al!"

"You don't wanna meet Bella's dad?" she whispered, totally serious. As serious as a drunk girl can be.

"I'm a little terrified, to be honest. I wish I'd met him before. And this was just easing him into the fact there's an _'us'_, y'know? I think he hates me. And he hates me with Bella. And he hates that she's not with Jake and he _loooooves_ Jake. And I'm not Jake..."

"_Sooooo_ not Jake!" Alice giggled.

"I'm older."

"Wiser and more handsome."

"But he's bigger," I lamented, examining my mediocre frame.

"That's not what Bella says!" she giggled even more.

"What?" A grin creeped up without my intent. "Wha' did she say?" I leaned in to giggle and whisper with Alice.

"I can't tell you!" She slapped me away. "She'll kill me! But..." she pulled me in close and drunk whispered, "She's like, really happy with like...your..._thing_..."

"My _thing_?" I giggled. "Bella talks about my thing?"

Alice nodded, wiping the laughing tears from her eyes. "A lot! Y'know, it's her favourite toy. But don't say anything!" She held her finger to my lips as she drunk whispered even louder. "_Shhhh!_ She'll kill me!"

"Oh for fuck sake," Emmett grumbled. "If you think I can't hear you two, you're drunker than I thought. And don't worry, I won't say anything about Bella diggin' Edward's wiener more than Jake's either."

That did us in. We laughed like hyenas the rest of the drive and as we stumbled into the house. Mom left lights on for us so we didn't cause any damage finding our way to our rooms. I kissed them both, yeah both, goodnight before crawling into my bed where I drunk texted Bella. When I got up to piss an hour later, I heard my brother having sex for the first time. It didn't register at the time that it was Alice he was doing.

* * *

My family gave me a birthday lunch, as Alice and I did not stir until noon and I wanted to be home when Bella got back. My parents, generous as they are, gave me a new MacBook and more clothes. Far too generous, but greatly appreciated. Alice presented me with a package so beautifully wrapped, I didn't want to open it and ruin it, so I made her do it. It was a set of hardcover journals. Very thoughtful. Emmett put together a collection of Jack White, live, in various bands. Enough to take an entire weekend, with little or no sleep to watch all of it. Totally awesome! And another to be opened later. Esme blushed and Carlisle pretended he didn't see the exchange at all. Alice giggled. _Christ..._

Carlisle drove me home, claiming he didn't get his fair share of time with me. I appreciated him making the time, he was due at the hospital shortly after he'd get back.

"This was too much, Dad. The piano was an extravagance in itself. You're spoiling me you know," I grinned at him.

"If you weren't the kind of man you've grown to be, you wouldn't think that way. Then, you'd be spoiled. We're proud of you son. You're getting on extremely well, we like that we can help you out with extravagant things now and then. What's the point of having money if we don't spend it on those we love?"

"My roommates are enjoying your extravagance as well," I let him know. "We all appreciate it."

"How's Bella?" A sudden change of subject threw me.

"Great," I replied. "Yeah, she's working a lot. Started a film class this week. Her and Jaz..."

"Mmm-hmm," he nodded in acknowledgment. "And you and Bella?"

I smiled, blushing, I'm sure. "Even better."

"Nervous about meeting her father?"

"Shit yeah!" I exclaimed. I went over the same things I'd talked to Emmett and Alice about; my fears that he'd never accept me as suitable for Bella because I wasn't hand selected by him.

"More important though, you were selected by his daughter. That's got to pull some weight Edward." He changed the subject again and we chatted easily the whole drive. He helped me bring in my things, taking Bella's bag from Alice straight to her room, as he was instructed to do. After a brief visit with Jasper and Rose, I walked him out. "Listen son, don't stress yourself over Chief Swan. I've never known a person who didn't take to you instantly. Just relax and be yourself. It'll all work out." He gave me a hug before climbing in the truck. "Besides, your mother and I will be there to back you," he winked as he drove off.

"This Mac is sweet!" Jasper was already exploring. "Can I have your old one?"

"Yeah, I got some clothes you'd like too," I grinned as I spilled my bag. "Lucky for you, I was taught to share."

"What do I get?" Rose pouted playfully.

"You got it last night. The house to yourselves...I hope you took advantage."

"Yeah baby!" My friends eyed each other with lust.

I was about to open Em's second gift when a horrible drone came from outside. We all went to the front door to see what was making such a racket. The ugliest piece of junk I'd ever seen was pulling up in front of our house. All three of us jumped when it was turned off and it backfired. "What the hell is that?" I wondered aloud.

"Fugly, I can tell you that," Jasper mused. "What the hell is it doing here though?"

Just then, the driver of this monstrosity got out. When Bella came around the front, wearing a proud grin, I groaned softly. "Noooo. Dear god no..."

Jasper snickered as I planted a smile on my face and walked towards the girl whom I adored. The girl who made me love everything about her...except this truck. No. I couldn't love this heap. Not in this lifetime.

"Hi honey. Whatcha got here?"

"Isn't it great!" she beamed as she squeezed me tightly. "It's from Charlie. He had... a friend fix it up for me. Don't you love it?"

"That's fixed up?" I stared in wonder.

Laughing, Jasper threw an arm around her shoulder. "What was it before? Or should I ask where was it? A museum or a farmer's field in Idaho?"

My pit bull threw him a glare that warned me to back off too. She clearly loved this piece of trash. Fuck.

I followed Bella to her room, careful with my reactions to her comments on the truck. I didn't want to offend her or set her off. She talked excitedly while she unpacked. I stretched out on her bed and remained silently neutral.

"Hungry?" I asked when she collapsed on the bed beside me.

Yawning, she shook her head. "Tired though."

I leaned over her and kissed her gently. "I'll go so you can get some sleep."

"No!" Her arms wrapped tightly around my neck. "I've missed you. Don't go yet." Her kiss was soft and warm, inviting but not asking for more than what she was giving.

"Hey, roll over and I'll give you a good back rub." That earned me another kiss before she flipped herself over. "Oh, jeez Bella, you're really tense in the shoulders. Everything okay?"

"Mmm. Just tired. That feels awesome Edward. Thank you."

"I'm nowhere near done." I leaned down and kissed the back of her neck while I massaged her tight shoulders. "Want me to run a hot bath for you?"

"Uh-uh. I'd fall asleep in there. _Oh!_" she cried out. "Right there...damn that's good!"

I snickered and focused on the good spot. "Just relax, I'll get the knot out for you. Bella...what's in the bag from Alice?"

"Never mind! Jeez!"

"I'd tell you," I taunted.

"It's just girl stuff. Keep at it...I know you're good with your hands, but this is really _really_ fucking good Cullen." She moaned softly with a sleepy, content grin.

"You should really stop moaning like that if you want me to be able to keep this going," I teased.

"Sorry." She took one of my hands and kissed it. "You're so good. Why are you so good to me Cullen?"

"Because I love you," I whispered in her ear before nibbling on it.

"I saw Jake today."

My heart literally skipped a few beats and then raced. "Oh? He's talking to you now? How did it go?" I tried to be calm, seem interested rather than anxious or disturbed.

She sighed heavily. I wasn't sure if it was because of my question, the interaction with Jake or if it was in lieu of a moan. "Well, he only spoke to me at first because our dads were there. He was gruff, bordering on rude. That's understandable though...right?"

"Totally," I agreed with her in a gentle voice, my hands still working on the knots. "But it's a start."

"That's not all of it..."

"Oh." My hands froze with my heart for a few beats and then both resumed. For Bella.

"I figured he needed to get his feelings out, you know? So we went for a walk. He let me have it."

"He yelled at you?" Instantly, I was defensive. I'd been the one who encouraged this but the thought of him screaming at Bella pissed me off.

"_Ohhhh_ yeah. But it didn't last long. That's Jacob. He's got a bad temper but he gets over his anger really quickly. I think it was good for him. He needed to let it out."

"And you?" I kissed her neck softly. "Are you okay?"

She nodded and reached back to squeeze my hand. "Thank you."

"For..."

"Understanding that we would eventually have to clear the air, Jacob and I. And for listening. And caring."

"Sure." Why was there pangs of jealousy creeping in? "Bella...he does understand that you're not going back with him, doesn't he? He knows we _are_ together?"

"He knows it Edward. But he doesn't accept it. Not yet. I think we'll be able to have some sort of friendship a long way down the road. He was willing to help Charlie with the truck."

Oh jesus. That damn truck again. Figures he had something to do with it! I couldn't get into the truck again so I changed the subject entirely. I told her about our night out on Saturday. I was talking about Emmett's strange adoption of little Jane when I heard a very soft snore. Smiling, I brushed the hair out of her face to watch her sleep for a few minutes. Then I eased myself out of her bed, pulled a blanket over her and turned out the light. I ended my night writing. First about jealousy. Which basically led me to understand I wasn't jealous, I was insecure. I decided to start off a brand new journal, one of the set Alice had given me, with brand new thoughts. Hope. Future. My tiny star snoring in the next room...the words seemed to arrange themselves in the book thinking of Bella. When I was done, I placed it on my bookshelf where the ones Bella had taken once were.

* * *

_A/N~Edward's big day tomorrow. What's Bella got in store for him? Hmmm. What would Edward want... Thanks for reading! ~SR_


	48. Chapter 48

**Chapter 48  
**  
"Time to wake up, sleepyhead." Bella's husky voice brought me out of an extremely hot dream. _Damn!_ I wanted to see if I could pull that one off! I cracked a grin regardless of my frustration. She was here in the flesh. I pulled her on top of me, taking in the scent of her shampoo and freshly scrubbed skin.

"Mmm. You're right on time. A minute earlier, I wouldn't have gotten to the really good part of that dream. A minute later, you would've caught me in an embarrassing situation."

Bella took a glance down at the teepee jutting from my hips. "Ah, I see your dilemma."

"Care to help me out?" I smirked.

"Love to. But we don't have time. Go have your shower and morning wank, I'll have your breakfast ready when you get out." She smiled as she gave me my orders. "And dress nicely. We're going out when you're done at work."

"We are? Where?"

"You'll see after work," she grinned before kissing me. "Happy birthday Cullen." Another kiss, longer and deeper. "Now get up!"

"Bella!" I called after her. "What should I wear? What's _'nice'_? Like, no acid holes?"

She rolled her eyes as she giggled. "I'll find something for you. Go shower!"

"Do I have to shave?" I shouted out.

"No! Just get your ass in the shower Edward!"

Chuckling, I did as instructed. Completely.

Bella was placing an omelette on the table when I walked into the kitchen. "A jacket and tie? Seriously?" I had no issue with the other clothing she'd selected, but a tie?

She ignored my playful grumpiness and wrapped her arms around my neck. "You smell really good," she murmured as she kissed me.

"You taste really good. You had bacon! "

Laughing, she swatted at my chest. "There's some for you too. Have a seat. Oh and I'll bring the jacket and tie when I come pick you up so you don't have to feel like a dork all day."

"You're picking me up?" Memories of the rusted heap in the driveway sprang to mind. "Why can't I come home and change and we'll go from here. Better yet, have a night in." I winked so she'd catch my meaning.

"Because, this is my birthday gift to you and since I am taking you on a date, I will be picking you up. I need an approximate time though, I still have a lot of shit to do. I need to know how to budget my time with only a few hours to play with."

I was shaking my head as I stuffed my mouth. "Bella, I don't want you stressing yourself out. It's just a day. I don't need anything except you, relaxed. And more bacon," I grinned holding my plate up. "This is really good."

* * *

I heard Bella arrive before I saw her. I cringed at the rumble and backfire. Jane literally jumped out of her seat. "Bella's here," I acknowledged sheepishly.

"Going out for your birthday?" she smiled at me.

"That's the plan. The details, I don't have a clue about." I leaned back in my chair, hands laced behind my head as I stretched out my back. "You sitting in class tomorrow?" Jane had sat in two of the three last week, not participating, just observing. Tomorrow, I was conducting my first lab instruction for the class.

"What do you think...should I?" She stared over at me with her earnest eyes. Emmett was right, she really wasn't a bad kid at all.

I nodded eagerly. "I'd appreciate having one person in attendance who won't heckle me."

She laughed, as if I were joking, and started packing her bag as Bella entered the lab. Once again, I could hear her before she was in view. Shoes clicking on the tiled floor, not squeaking. I grinned in anticipation. Please let her be wearing those 'fuck me' shoes from the party! I wasn't prepared at all for I saw. Yes, the shoes and the bare legs that went on forever, but this time her legs had a rival for my attention and awe. She wore a pewter coloured skirt that hugged her hips and flared slightly, ending mid-thigh. The top matched, same colour, clung to every curvy inch with a sheer black, looser fitting cover. I tripped over myself as I stood to greet her. "Bella...you're...wow..."

She grinned shyly and sucked her lip in. "Am I too early?"

"No...I...I just have to um, get uh...washed up. You look...wow!" I was steady on my feet but stumbling on my words.

Giggling, Bella gave me a kiss and wiped my lips with her fingertips. "Sorry. I gave you my lipgloss."

"It's okay," I grinned. "I want more." Leaning in to kiss her again, I whispered, "Let's skip dinner."

"No way Cullen! I spent over an hour getting ready. We're going out."

I stuffed my hands deep in my pockets to cover the evidence of just how much I wanted to skip dinner, at least from Jane. Bella should know. "Okay, we can go out after." I tried for that second kiss again, but got held back again.

She seemed to be contemplating my suggestion, biting her lip, desire in her eyes. "No. You'll mess me up. You can wait."

"I really can't Bella..." I was bordering on whining. Definitely begging.

"Cullen..." I was breaking her resolve. Yes! She leaned in close, her hands on my chest, her breath on my neck. "Seriously, I put a lot into planning this. If we just go home, it'll be the same as always. We'll make out and you'll run." She spoke quietly so Jane wouldn't overhear.

"I won't! I swear!" I began a protest but then reconsidered. She'd put herself out for me, I was being an ass. I sighed and gave her my sweetest crooked grin. "Okay Bella. You win. We'll do this your way."

"My way? The whole night or just dinner?"

"The whole night. As I've said, it's just a day, but you've gone through a lot of trouble for me, so I'm conceding to you. Whatever you want, I'll do."

We gave Jane a ride home before going to the restaurant Bella had selected for me. It was too pricey for us but knowing my love for a good steak, she insisted. Once I stopped following the lead of my alter-ego down below, I mellowed and enjoyed Bella's special treat. She looked more than gorgeous and I was feeling immense pride that I was the lucky bastard with her.

"You look so handsome, Cullen. More than handsome - you're...I feel like everyone's looking and thinking what's that gorgeous guy doing with that nothing girl." She gazed at me with love in her eyes, speaking my sentiments in reverse.

"Honey, if everyone's looking, it's at you. You're a complete knock-out. You know you don't have to dress for me. I love you in your jeans and Converse, sweats, or...nothing." I winked with a knowing grin. "But you do look outstandingly hot tonight. If I wasn't already in love with you, this would do it. In fact, I may be falling all over again." We shared a sweet kiss cuddled up in our booth. After we finished off our bottle of wine, we asked for the bill and I reached for my wallet. Bella snatched the bill from me.

"Will you let me give you a birthday gift? Sheesh Cullen. You can take sometimes too you know."

I tried to cover up my nerves on the ride home by encouraging a sing-along, but in the darkness, I was gripping the side of the seat with one hand and my other was curled tightly into a fist. Between wanting Bella so intensely and not wanting to fuck anything up even more, I was really on edge. The wine had not done enough to put me at total ease sexually. Throw in the sense of danger I felt riding in the Red Monster, I thought I may throw up. I couldn't waste Bella's dinner treat on nerves, so I forced myself to calm down. Heaving a huge sigh of relief when we stopped at our house, I reached across and kissed Bella while she was putting her keys away. She returned it hungrily.

"Let's go in," she whispered, eyes wide and lips swollen. I was out of the truck and opening her door before she knew it. We walked arm-in-arm to the front door, our lips locked.

I cursed as I fumbled with my keys, dropping them not once, but twice as I attempted to let us in to continue this make-out session in greater detail. I was pumping myself up, mentally. You can do this Cullen. It's not a physical thing. She actually loves me. Me. And she knows I'm a goof and she knows I'll probably come within the first minute of whatever we do...but she keeps coming back. She must love me. My hand slid down to squeeze a cheek as I slid the key in the lock. I didn't feel panties through her skirt. Was she wearing that little thong again? _God help me..._

We both flinched at the brightness that hit us when we finally got the door opened. Shit. We obviously don't have the house to ourselves, but did they have to leave every light on? The first voice I heard was Ellie. Springing up the stairs ahead of Sam and Jaz, she screamed out, "Happy birthday babycakes!" and planted a kiss on me.

"Thanks Ell. Sam." We exchanged a bro hug, my other arm still on Bella's waist.

Sam let out a whistle. "You two sure make a statement when you go out. Looking good." He gave Bella a wink and she smiled back, blushing. "Are you hanging out or..."

"Um, _or_...I think." I looked at Bella for some indication of whether we were socializing or getting on with our own private celebration.

She held my cheek as she kissed me. "Go have a drink with your friends," she said to me quietly. "I'll still be here."

"You're coming down too," I said forcefully. "I'm not leaving your side tonight."

One drink turned into two very quickly. It helped me relax more so Bella didn't complain. As it turned out, there were others there as well; Jared, Ty and Tanya were all downstairs.

Into the second drink, Jasper brought out his gift to me; his first good guitar, now my own very first. No more borrowing. And this was special because it was what he had taught me on years earlier. With the guitar was a new leather strap with initials etched in it - 'EMC - EFM - CMF'. I cocked an eyebrow at Jaz to explain the inscription.

"Ah, well your initials first, obviously. Then 'Eclipse Founding Member'."

I grinned with pride and appreciation that he'd forever include me in that endeavor. Everyone _'aaaw-ed' _when we hugged. "What's the last part?"

Jaz and Sam recited it together. "CMF. 'Cool Mother Fucker'!"

I laughed, cheeks reddening. Rosalie was next. "Here ya go baby."

Taking the gift bag, I frowned at her. "You took me for lunch, that was more than enough."

She grinned slyly. "It didn't cost a fortune Edward. Just open it."

Bella peered into the bag as my smile widened seeing the gift; a framed photo of her and I as kids. "Rosie...how did you..."

She shrugged. "I've had it since that day. This isn't the original, it's a copy. I did have a bitch of a time finding a frame. The zoo doesn't sell the same one I had anymore. I would've given mine if I hadn't found this one, which is cooler anyway and I didn't want to give mine up. That's from when my mom gave a shit."

"Rosie, come here." I held my arms open for her.

"Don't make me cry Edward," she warned. "If you do, I...I'll punch you. Really hard."

"I know. Come here." I wrapped her in my arms knowing this was from a time she thought her life was perfect; preceding an absolutely horrible time for her. "You okay?" I whispered. She pulled away slightly, nodding as she wiped at her teary cheeks. "You gonna punch me on my birthday?" I teased. "You did that day. Why break tradition?"

"You deserved it that day! Look at him Bella." Rose pulled Bella in to see the photo better. "He looks so sweet right? Oh my god, he was such a brat that day!"

"So cute! Birthday party?" Bella asked. "How old were you guys?"

"Edward's 7th. I remember because he threw a fit because there weren't seven elephants. There should've been seven just for his birthday," Rose related with a smirk.

"That's when the world revolved around me," I grinned at Bella.

"Oh, it still does baby," Rosalie teased. "Right Bella?" She still had her arm around her waist and she gave her a liitle squeeze.

"My world does. Don't know about anyone else's." Bella smiled warmly at me before looking back to the photo. "How many were there? Elephants, I mean."

"Only four."

"You remember that? Just like that!" Bella laughed.

"My god Bella, it was a huge trauma for him. Well, _drama_ anyway," she whispered. "He had a thing for elephants. His first career aspiration."

"You wanted to be a vet?"

"No," I replied quietly to Bella, blushing. "An elephant doctor."

"Just elephants?" she grinned.

"Just elephants," I nodded.

The girls were holding in giggles. "That's so... Cullen, that's adorable!" No more holding back; both erupted.

I pulled them both into me, hugging fiercely. I didn't care if they were laughing at my expense, I loved them together like this. "Thank you Rose," I said softly before kissing her. "This means so much to me." I just hoped she understood I meant her actions with my girlfriend lately as well as the gift.

"Here buddy," Sam slipped his arm in the huddle to pass me a card. "From Ell and me."

I watched Rosalie and Ellie with their heads bent together as I opened the iTunes card. Oh no Rosie...don't let me be wrong about you. Bella's head was bent down as she chewed on a fingernail. "This is great. Thanks Sam. Ellie."

Her head snapped up when I called her name. I watched her closely to see if she'd display any signs of guilt over gossiping when I'd specifically asked her not to. There was nothing but the old sincere Ellie, however. "We figured you'd make use of that. What did Bella give you?"

I did catch that she had not addressed the question to Bella. Had not, in fact, said a word to her all night. "Bella took me out," I smiled as I pulled her hand from her mouth and wrapped it around my waist as I embraced her. "Best steak I've ever had." I kissed her lips softly.

"And I have a feeling we've interrupted their date so..." Jasper offered an opening for us to escape.

"I actually haven't given Edward his gift yet." Bella surprised me speaking up like that. "I'd planned to give it to you privately...would you rather have it now?"

Ellie whispered something to Rose and I felt my temperature rising. Before I could act on my anger, Rosalie shot her a look that both quieted her and turned her cheeks red. Turning my full attention back to Bella, I gave her another kiss. "We're sticking to your plan."

"Good," she grinned, half her lip being chewed. "I'm gonna go. Come find me when you're ready. 'Night everyone."

Bella had barely left my side when Tanya took her place. "I didn't bring a gift so I'll just give you this." Her mouth was on mine before I could react. And before I could react from that point, she was being hauled off me.

"Mind getting your tongue out of his mouth?" Rosalie spun her around to face her. "A little respect? His girlfriend is right there. If you ever pull something like this again in our house, I'll knock you on your fat ass sweetheart."

My eyes widened and Ellie wore the same expression. The guys were all biting back laughter. "Easy baby," Jasper purred in her ear as he winked at me.

"Shit, it was just a birthday kiss. Don't get all uptight!"

Jasper made a face and stepped between the two. "Darlin' this isn't uptight. This is miffed. On the verge of pissed. You don't want to see her pissed."

True. Very true. I listened to Bella stomping into her room upstairs, door closing loudly. There were two women in the world that I didn't want to mess with pissed. And I happened to live with both of them. "I'm gonna...go." I pointed up. "Thanks. Everyone." I left hastily. How quickly things can turn around on me, I mused as I climbed the stairs. For the past several hours, I'd felt pretty confident I would be getting laid. Now, I was stuck with damage control.

* * *

_A/N~Can Edward never catch a break? Read on for more birthday surprises from his beloved Bella. On that note, I'd like to welcome new readers, hope you're enjoying. And my undying gratitude to the followers from the start. Thanks for sticking with me. Love to hear from you!~SR_


	49. Chapter 49

**Chapter 49**

"Bella?" I tapped on her door softly. "You okay honey?"

"Get in here!" she called out.

Cautiously, I opened the door and stepped in. I leaned against it after closing it, both hands tugging my hair nervously. "Bella...I'm sorry..."

Standing before me, she was silent. Then she reached up for my hands and positioned them on her waist. "You did nothing to be sorry for sweetie. You didn't ask for it," she whispered and then her lips were on mine. She eliminated the taste and feel of Tanya. I lost myself in the wonders of Bella's warm mouth.

"I thought you'd be upset," I said during a brief reprieve for a breath.

"Shhh..." Her lips were back on mine. "I don't want to talk about Tanya." Her fingers worked to loosen my tie as she kissed me passionately. I helped her out and she moved on to my shirt buttons. Through those with no issue, her hands roamed inside, covering every inch of my skin. I shuddered as her lips followed her fingers.

"Mmm...Bella..."

"Don't make me stop," she whispered, nuzzling my neck.

"Please don't." I lifted her chin to taste her lips again, nibbling on her bottom lip for awhile before she went back to teasing my neck and chest with her tongue. I closed my eyes and slammed my head back against the door. "Christ Bella, I feel drunk."

"No no no! Stay with me..."

I gave her a crooked grin and gripped her waist to drew her even closer. "I'm not drunk. And I'm not going anywhere. I told you it's all you tonight. Whatever you want Bella."

"I want you, Cullen." Her voice was husky, so damned sexy.

I pressed her hips hard against mine. "Do you feel what you're doing to me?"

Smiling, she undid my button and carefully shifted things around to unzip me. "That's the idea." Both tiny hands went in as I let out a low moan. "Feel good?"

"Ohhhhh," I chuckled. "You have no idea." My head moved side-to-side against the door.

"Stay with me Cullen," Bella warned in her sultry voice again. Her lips trailed along my chest as she used her hands below. I don't know how many times I slammed my head against the door but I wasn't about to let a concussion stop me. I giggled as manly as I could when her tongue began tickling my belly, it quickly turned into a moan anyway.

"All good?" She asked softly as she pulled my dick right out for a better grip. Or it may have jumped out at her, at that moment, I wasn't sure.

"Fucking amazing Bella. Don't stop." My fingers wound their way through her hair as she dipped lower. I focused all my energy on not being an inexperienced sex-crazed teen as her mouth did wondrous things. I was certainly going to have a bump or six on the back of my head and I had to keep reminding myself not to pull her hair out by the roots. This, officially, was the best birthday gift I'd ever received. Without a doubt. "Oh! Jesus..." I had to let go of her hair entirely and grip the doorframe instead when she took a nibble. My legs were weakening by the second. When that magical little steel ball circled the most sensitive spot, I couldn't contain it any longer. I moaned out a warning and gripped her hand, which gripped me, throbbing and spurting repeatedly.

_"Oh my god oh my god oh my god..." _I panted as I began to feel able to stroke her hair gently again. "Bella...that...I...oh my god!" I chuckled euphorically as I gazed down at her with love. She grinned back before running the little ball along the underside of my incredibly happy dick, bottom up. _"Uhhhaahhh..."_

Apparently, it didn't know it should be done for awhile and sprang back to life against her warm tongue. Holy fuck! Was she going for round two? I could make it last longer this time, I was certain. Then again, I shouldn't waste a longer erection on something so selfish, I grinned to myself as I thought of many other things to do with it. I took her hand and gently urged her up.

She gave the tip one more kiss before standing. "You taste really good," she mumbled against my chest, a thousand kisses being planted all over.

I held her face in my hands as I kissed her deeply. "Now it's your turn." My hands slid down her hips and under her skirt to feel the world's most perfect ass. "Can I have a look?" I grinned, leaning over her shoulder.

Giggling she spun herself around and flipped the skirt up to tease me with a cheek peek. Lovely Bella. Absolutely lovely. She wiggled it a little before backing it up against me, her head turned for a kiss.

"Mmmm...okay, that's something to try later on," I chuckled with naughty thoughts running rampant. "First things first." I tucked myself back in my pants as best I could and lifted Bella up, wrapping her legs around my waist. We held that position for as long as possible, kissing and nipping at each other. "Fuck Bella. I want to taste you."

I set her down on her desk and peeled the thong down her legs slowly. Then I took a seat, positioning her legs where I wanted them. My hands couldn't keep off them. "They're like silk, what do you do..." I started kissing at her ankle and worked my way up one leg, feeling her tense when I got to the inner thigh. I switched sides and went back down the other leg before swinging it up on my left shoulder. Her other leg, I bent and rested on my own leg before running my hands up it and spreading her open.

She shivered and tensed when I neared my destination again. "Relax honey. Just relax. I won't do anything you don't want me to do. Is my beard too scratchy? I should've shaved..."

She shook her head, chewing on her lip. "No, it's just...god. You should understand Edward; what a new sensation is like? Well, I don't want this ending so soon for me either!"

"You don't want me to?" I asked politely, my head between her legs, my hands holding her thighs in place as her legs shook.

"I do... But I don't..." She buried her face in her hands.

"Okay honey." I kissed her kneecap lovingly. "Since it's my birthday, I'll make your decision this time, alright?"

She smirked and leaned back on her arms. "Like I don't know what you're going to choose."

Ha! She thought she knew me so well... To throw her completely off I stood and positioned my hips between her legs, holding her hips and drawing her against me as I kissed her. She moaned into my mouth as our hot skin made contact. "Like this?" I teased in a low voice. "After." I grinned crookedly as I eased away and resumed my place in front of her. "Easy honey. Just relax and trust me okay?"

Her legs were soon shaking for another reason and she didn't seem to have the same hair-pulling restraint I'd shown. I didn't care if she yanked it all out as long as she was happy. It'd grow back.

"Edward!" She cried as she pulled me up and against her. "I want you._ Now_." Jesus, this was serious shit. I don't ever recall her calling me 'Edward' while we were making out in any form.

I kissed her gently while she tugged on my pants to get them down. "Honey...baby, slow down. I have to...I'll be right back." I held her face as I kissed her one more time before pulling my pants up.

"Edward, no! If you need to come again before we do it, fine. I'll do it!"

I smiled at her offer. "It's not that..."

She shook her head. "You're not leaving. If you do, something will happen. You'll change your mind..."

"It won't! Shhh, I won't. I swear." Hugging her close, kissing her hair and pressing myself against her, I hoped I was giving her enough to trust me on that one. I was not changing my mind. "I just have to get something from my room. I _will_ be right back."

"It can wait!" she pleaded.

I shook my head. "It really can't sweetness. I have to get a condom," I whispered in her ear.

"Ohhh!" She giggled and then shook her head. "You uh, you don't have to. I'm on birth control." She chewed on her lip waiting for my reaction to that news.

"Since...?"

"A couple of months ago. Well, before we..." She sighed deeply. "Before we were apart. I thought we were getting close then..."

"Bella..." I gave her a soft kiss. "I love you for that. I do. But I still have to take care of my side of it. I promised my mom."

As soon as the words were out, I regretted it. A grin/smirk appeared on her face as she raised an eyebrow. "You promised your mom?"

I sighed and chuckled at myself, hanging my head. "I know, I know. That's beyond lame."

"God Cullen..."

I smirked back at her. "Did I just ruin it?"

"Not a chance." She grabbed my shirt with both hands and pulled me in. "That is so fucking adorable. I've never loved you more."

My room seemed to be a mile away from Bella's suddenly, we were that desperate to get there but unwilling to break our liplock.

"You know this is when someone comes upstairs and interrupts us," Bella stated with a smirk in the hall.

"Don't care if the house is on fire Bella. We're making it to my room, just you and I and this is gonna happen."

"Or your mom will call," she continued teasing.

"'Have to call ya back Mom! I'm currently inside my girlfriend's pus..."

"Cullen!" She slapped her hand over my mouth with a giggle. "You wouldn't say that to your mom!"

"No," I admitted. "She'd have a fit over my potty mouth."

"Not over the fact that you had your dick in me though..."

"Oh jesus! Dirty talk too Bella? I'm not gonna make it inside. Come on!" I picked her up and tossed her over my shoulder, biting her ass cheek with a growl as she laughed. "Okay, so where were we?" I said once we were closed up, alone, in my room. "Oh yes, you were like this." I set her down on the edge of my desk, quickly pushing my books to the floor and moving my MacBook before repositioning her. "Yes, that was it." I drew my hand up her extended leg and tickled her still-damp core. I took a seat and, having second thoughts, wheeled myself over to my bedstand where I'd stowed the box of condoms. I took one out, in a grand display and wheeled myself back to the desk and moist, reddened Bella.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked as I rested my arms on her legs and stared up into her eyes.

"Um...you, me...the possibility that sex might actually occur."

"You're lying," I said softly and she reddened further, caught. "Honey, I love that little lip chew thing you do, it's super sexy. But you always do it when something's on your mind. Talk to me."

"Edward, no! _See?_ This is what I was saying before! Something would happen and we wouldn't...again! _Ugh!_ I love you Cullen, but we have to get this ovewith!"

I pushed my chair back and crossed my arms over my chest. "Overwith?" I scoffed. "Our first time is something to get _over with_? Bella, I know it won't be a marathon fuck but I was hoping that it could be more than something to get overwith!" I stared off blankly as my penis cowered.

"Oh shit. Here we go." Bella threw her hands up and shimmied to the edge of the desk. "This will be your excuse now. An easy way out."

I snorted. "Easy way out? What the fuck Bella? All night long I've been looking forward to this. What the hell did you think we were working up to in your room just now? All you had to do was tell me why you're anxious or upset or whatever the fuck it is you're feeling because I sure as hell am not capable of reading your mind...and we'd be doing it! _Fuck!_ It would probably be _overwith _by now." I resumed sulking as soon as I finished spouting off.

"I didn't mean it like that... Edward! _Arg!_ You can be so frustrating! You pick up a word and beat it to death! All I meant was that we both obviously want this..."

"Obviously," I interrupted to agree.

"And there's always something stopping us! I just want you Edward! You have no idea how frustrated I've been!"

Both my eyebrows shot up. "I have no idea about frustration? Okay Bella, let's recap here...I was ready _MONTHS _ago! You were hung up on a boyfriend I didn't even know existed!"

Her lip disappeared and her foot was tapping furiously. "Nice time to drag out the dead horse Edward. You know, if this was something that's been bothering you, you could have talked to me about it before now." Tears glistened in her eyes.

I threw my hands up in frustration before covering my face with them. "Bella, I didn't want another argument like this, where I say things I don't really mean and you get hurt and then I feel like the worst piece of shit and completely unworthy of you and the whole fucking cycle starts over! Look, what's done is done. I willingly let you set the pace for sex from the start. It's my fault. It's all my doing."

"It's nobody's _fault_! Come on..."

I shrugged. "When are you going to start being honest with me Bella? Completely honest? You obviously do blame me because you started this whole thing with 'here we go, this is where you get out of it'..."

"That's not what I said."

"Close enough. The fact is...the truth is, I wanted to have sex with you desperately months ago. Then...you know, all that crap...and I realized I was completely in love with you, it was no longer just sex and now it means something Bella. That's why I backed out a couple of times... 'cause I wanted it to be right, you know? And permanent. Not just sex." My voice lowered as I spoke, the end almost being a whisper. "That's the truth."

Bella nodded silently, leaning on the desk, chewing her lip. "Okay. Honesty. I sometimes feel like I can't be completely honest with you because you're hyper sensitive. I know I'll say one wrong word and you'll obsess over it and beat yourself up."

I smirked at her. "Who me? Like just now you mean?"

"Exactly like just now Cullen." Sweet, playful Bella was on her way back. She stuck her tongue out at me and then tilted her head to gaze at me intently. "What I was thinking about a few minutes ago...and days before that...was that I don't want to be a disappointment to you."

"What?" This was coming out of nowhere. I knew there was still a lot to discover about this girl I was crazy in love with, but how on earth could she think she'd disappoint me?

"Edward, you had months with an experienced older woman. I've had perfunctory sex with a boy. We both know how you get to me. Just your touch, even a look..." She bit down again.

I wheeled myself closer and buried my face in her abdomen, my arms gently stroking her back. "You honestly think it's not the same for me with you? Bella, I had better dick control at 15 than I do with you. I've never been more attracted to someone. I've never felt the way I do with you with anyone else. It's not a competition honey. It's a discovery of two people in love, finding out how to make each other happy. There's no possibility of disappointment. Except maybe now... 'cause I fucked it up. Big fuck up. _Colossal_ fuck up!" I stared into her dark eyes with my crooked grin and whispered, "Sorry."

She grinned while she smacked my shoulder. "I can't believe you even noticed something like me biting my lip."

"I notice everything about you Bella. Because in case you don't get it yet, you are the most beautiful person I've ever known and I'm utterly and completely in love with you. I only want to do what's right for you. Whatever makes you happy. That's all I want Bella. And I'll really work on the obsessing thing okay? I don't want to ruin anything else. I know I overthink..."

"Sweetie, I love that you're so thoughtful, I do, but sometimes it's just too much." She kissed the top of my head as she wrapped her arms around my shoulders.

"I'm too thoughtful and too sensitive? Hmm..." I teased.

She rolled her eyes as she laughed. "Next you'll be obsessing about loving me too much."

"Nah. Already did that one."

She pulled back to eye me. "Hmm. Interesting, _Mr Complete Honesty_. Why didn't I know about this?"

I cracked a huge grin as I blushed. "Okay. Caught me. I'll back off the complete honesty thing. And work on my word obsessions." Gently, I pulled her down for a kiss. "Bella?"

"Yes baby?" She brushed my hair back, out of my face and kissed my forehead.

"Any chance of birthday sex? Or do I have to wait a whole year?"

She leaned over me to look at the digital clock by my bed. "15 minutes left. Can we do it?"

I stood immediately and dropped my pants. "I'm feeling confident that we can."

She stared in disbelief. "Jeez Cullen! We had an argument and a make-up talk and you're still hard?"

"This is new," I grinned. "Uh, my head was just nestled in your boobs."

Her eyes rolled at me again as she peeled off her top. "You're depraved."

"I know." I took hold of both her offerings and indulged for a few minutes before lifting her back on my desk. She held the condom package out for me with a shy smile before leaning back on her arms, her chest thrust out.

"Ugh, I'm not gonna make it in before midnight if you keep taunting me with those." I sucked in one nipple while I rolled the Trojan on. Necessity taken care of, I turned my hands on Bella, to make sure she was ready too. She moaned as I slipped a finger inside her and held my head to her breast. Yeah, she was as ready as I was. I took the plunge...we made it before midnight after all.

* * *

_A/N~Ahhhhh! Relief! LOL But Bella still isn't done with her man's birthday surprises. Some things are just more important. ;)~SR_


	50. Chapter 50

**Chapter 50**

"Happy birthday Cullen," Bella whispered as she snuggled in. We'd collapsed on the floor, euphoric and giddy. I wrapped my arms around her, kissing her head. I'd never felt more in love.

"Best ever, thank you," I replied softly.

"Birthday or sex?" she teased.

"Both!" I chuckled. "You okay?"

"Mmm. Never better." She tilted back to kiss my chin. "Sorry about your shelf."

I snickered. At one point Bella had gripped onto the shelf above the dress and it ripped out of the wall. "No problem. I'll use reinforcement brackets when I put it back up...for next time."

She smiled and then kissed me again. "So, do you want your gifts now? Birthday's officially over, but we got sidetracked."

"Bella...honey I told you not to get me anything. Besides, dinner was my gift not to mention the more private activities," I winked. "Which, by the way, will improve over time. I mean, we were rushed tonight...trying to get in under the clock and all..."

"Cullen, do you have any idea how much I love you?" She sat up fully to cradle my face in her hands. "Come get your other gifts."

"Should I bring..." I held up the Trojan box with a hopeful grin.

"Split 'em," she grinned back. "Keep some here and some at my place."

"'Cause your place is so far away," I teased.

"Far enough to have something stop us; or at least delay us."

"Ah, true. Here, put this on." I wrapped her in my shirt. "Can't have my girl running through the hall naked." I pulled on my jeans and grabbed the box and Bella's hand, kissing her palm tenderly.

"Hey, you're still up?" Rose was just coming up the stairs when we left my room.

"Is everyone gone?" Bella asked.

Smirking, Rose threw an arm across Bella's shoulder. "Don't you worry baby. I took care of her. I'm just getting a snack for Jaz then I'll be out of your hair. Want anything? You can take it back to your room." She winked suggestively.

"We're good, thanks Rose," I laughed.

"Need anything...?"

"Covered, thanks." I blushed, holding the condoms behind my back.

"Okay, get back to it then. Still doing birthday things by number? 22...hmm..." she teased.

"Jeez, I wouldn't be able to walk tomorrow!" Bella giggled with her.

"Be worth it though," Rose nudged her before giving me a kiss and then Bella. "Enjoy!"

"Rose!" Bella called out as she started to turn away from us. "Um, thank you," she said softly.

Rose came back and hugged her. "I got your back." She smiled warmly at me over Bella's shoulder as she stroked her hair. My eyes trailed downwards and I caught a peek at Bella's voluptuous bum, bared as she lifted her arms to return Rosalie's hug. Damn! I'd forgotten she had nothing but my shirt on. We'd left her panties in her room earlier. I stood directly behind Bella to let her know we should be moving on. _Now!_

Bella stiffened when she felt me against her and Rose grinned. "Have fun kids!"

I pulled Bella into her room quickly, acting on what I'd wanted to do in the hallway. I grabbed her naked ass with both hands and kissed her with need. She responded instantly, but too briefly for my liking.

"Cullen, just give me five minutes okay? I really want you to see your gifts."

"If by gifts you mean..." I undid one button that kept her boobs from me and took one, then the other in my mouth. "Thank you. They're just what I wanted," I grinned.

Rolling her eyes, but not buttoning up, Bella went to her closet. "You are seriously depraved Cullen. Here," she smiled sweetly as she passed me a tiny box.

"Are you proposing?" I teased, making reference to the fact that it resembled a ring box.

"Not today...open it!"

I obliged and found, "A memory stick?" I asked with curiosity.

She bit the side of her lip as she grinned. "It's all your poetry. Backed up. In case something ever happened to your originals."

A wave of emotion washed over me. I'd told her about my prophetic dream during one of our long talks on the phone during our starting over period. She'd heard my anguish and fear. And remembered. "Bella," I choked out. "When did you do this?"

"Over the weekend. That's why I was so tired. Oh and Charlie says you owe him another weekend with me at home because you monopolized me even in your absence," she smirked.

"Fair enough. This is incredible Bella. So much work! I can't believe you did this for me...thank you honey." I reached out for her and wrapped my arms around her waist as she stood in front of me. Even though, with me seated, her boobs were at the perfect height for easy access, I refrained and held her lovingly instead of like a dick. "Thank you so much."

"There's one more." She kissed my forehead before returning to her closet. "Um, I don't know how you'll feel about this. But I've been searching for it for weeks because it's not printed anymore and when I finally found it on Thursday, it was like it was meant to be. So...here...I hope it's okay..."

She had me intrigued with this neatly wrapped package. I took it from her, my eyes holding hers. "A book."

She nodded and sat down beside me, her head on my shoulder as I tore the paper away.

"_'Turmoil and Paradise'_", I read out the title and was slammed by a tsunami of emotion when I read the author's name. "Edward Anthony Masen." A tear trickled down my cheek as I held it in my trembling hands.

Bella kissed the tear away and stroked my cheek softly. "It's too soon, isn't it...I'm sorry, I should have asked you if you even wanted..."

I shook my head, not yet able to speak. I held her hand and squeezed it, kissed it, held onto it for dear life as I cried for a man I didn't even remember. Was he thinking of me today as well, I wondered. Did he remember me?

"Edward?" Bella spoke softly. "Sweetie, are you okay? I'm sorry..."

I shook my head again as I reached for a tissue and blew my nose disgustingly hard. "Sorry," I sniffed and blew again. "This...I wasn't expecting this. You caught me off guard," I grinned at her as I tried to regain control of my emotions. This was the sort of breakdown I'd grown used to having, but preferred to do it alone. "Wow. I don't know why I'm reacting like this. I haven't even thought of him lately."

"I should've told you...warned you...asked..." Bella hugged me tight and stroked my hair.

"No, honey...you're misunderstanding...this is the best gift you could've possibly given me. I can't get my head around the fact that you'd go through so much trouble to track this down. I love it." My fingers traced the words on the cover and Bella's wiped the tears away that were falling on it. "Thank you Bella. For loving me this much. For knowing that I need this."

"I'd do anything for you Edward, don't you know? Anything. I can track down his others the same way, through the other used book stores we trade with...if you want them."

I smiled through my tears and nodded. "Yeah. I think I do."

"Okay." She switched her position so she could hold me better; kneeling behind me, her arms held my chest tightly while she kissed my cheek and neck. "Do you need anything?" she asked in a whisper. "Should I give you time on your own..."

I pulled one tiny hand up to kiss it. "I just need you. Can I stay with you tonight? All night?"

"Of course you can." Her voice was soothing and her warmth comforted me beyond belief.

I took one last look at the name on the cover before setting my book down. Then I turned to face my girl with the beautiful heart. "I love you Bella Swan. I love everything about you. So much." I cupped her chin as I kissed her tenderly. "I was about to say you can't know what the past 24 hours have meant to me...everything you've given me...but you do know. Somehow, you know me. My soul."

"I adore your soul," she said solemnly. "And everything that surrounds it."

My fingers traced her lip where she'd just bit down and then I took it between my lips and eased her back with me so we were laying down. We didn't use words to tell each other how we felt; our bodies spoke for us. This time was slow and loving. We took our time exploring each other, loving each other, constantly pausing to gaze into each others eyes and kiss softly before passion took over again. I'd never, ever, experienced this depth of caring for a person, this incredible emotion, this intense feeling of love. I gave Bella everything I had to offer. I was hers, eternally and without regret or fear.

Well, maybe a tiny bit of fear remained.

* * *

"Tell me Cullen, what was your best gift?" Bella asked as we snuggled after our lovefest.

"Um...you!" I smiled, kissing the tip of her nose.

"I'm not a gift," she remarked. "I'm talking about actual, physical gifts."

"I beg to differ. But okay...um..."

"You don't have to worry about hurting my feelings. Your friends gave you really meaningful gifts. Was it Rosalie's?"

I took a fraction of a second to think before responding. "You know that had significance, and yes, it means a lot. I'd like you to hear Rosalie's story from her, herself. I'd prefer that. But if you need to know the story behind the photo..."

I watched her chew her lip but kept my mouth shut this time. "I can't see her ever opening up to me, but I get it. It's personal."

"Personal for her, Bella. It's her story, not mine." I considered what, if anything, I should reveal. I kept my friends' confidences to myself, but this was Bella... my everything. "Look, when I take you home...when you see how I grew up...I'll show you the house Rose used to live in. I think you'll understand that she was quite the princess back then. Charmed life. We were friends out of obligation then. Our parents were friends, we were the same age, we got thrown together a lot. It wasn't until later that I appreciated her as a friend, and vice versa."

"Did she really punch you that day?"

I laughed as I squeezed her against me. "She did. Hard too! Thing is, she says I was a brat; I was an angel compared to her. Rose commanded attention so when I was getting it, she decided she'd get more, somehow. Like I said, the little princess."

"She still does...command attention, I mean."

"Mm-hmm. I'm not disagreeing. Anyway, back to my best gift...um...I dunno. Jaz worked his ass off doing odd jobs and saving for 3 years to buy that guitar. He found it and fell in love the first day he went looking when he was getting close. An Ibanez Hollowbody. I offered to share my allowance so he could get it sooner, he wouldn't take a cent. For him to give it to me? Wow."

Bella flipped over, her chin resting on my chest so she could look at me. "That is really special,"she agreed quietly.

"All in all, I made out extremely well, but I can't decide which means more to me...both of your gifts are more meaningful than anything I've ever received. I could borrow Jaz's Ibanez. I could look at Rose's photo. There is no replacement for the thought you put into the gifts you gave Bella. It's you as much as the items themselves that I love best."

That got me the smile I loved and the kind of kiss that made me float on a cloud. "Don't let Rose know you like mine best," she gloated.

"She knows. Bella, in case you haven't noticed, Rose is coming around with us being us. She gets how important you are to me. And in case you also hadn't noticed, she was totally ready to kick Tanya's ass. For you."

She shook her head, long hair tickling my side. "That was for you. She didn't want anyone's lips on yours, that's all."

I sighed as I held her a little tighter. "Can we agree it was for _us_? Period?" I took it as a 'yes' when she giggled.

"Would she really..."

"Kick her ass? Hell yeah. Rosalie's not very big but she packs a punch. She's taken me down a few times. If she's pissed off enough, I'd bet she could even take out Emmett. Tanya wouldn't stand a chance," I related truthfully.

"Guess I should be careful then huh?"

"Honey, Rose wouldn't touch you. Trust me."

Bella shifted around again so her face was nuzzled at my neck and draped an arm across my chest. "I do trust you Edward. More than I've ever trusted anyone." Her voice was sleepy and when I glanced at the clock I saw why. Shit. I had to be up in a few hours. As I lamented the brief time I had left with Bella, I felt her breathing slow. I layed for the longest time, feeling her soft breath on my neck and watching her bare shoulder rise and fall rhythmically with each breath. I was in a very happy place.

It seemed only moments later I was woken, groggy and a bit disoriented. And then I felt Bella beside me, he legs scissored around mine and her hand on my belly. I smiled despite the slight hangover feeling.

"Can you grab my phone?" Bella muttered without opening her eyes. Ah, that's what woke me. "It's probably Victoria. Just tell her I'll call back."

I stretched my arm out but couldn't quite reach without disentangling myself from Bella. Regretfully, I did and picked up. "Hello." Ugh. My first word of the day and my throat felt like sandpaper against my vocal chords.

There was a heavy sigh on the other end. Uh-oh. And a deep voice. "Put Bella on the phone." _Shit!  
_  
"Yes sir," I replied, flustered. As I attempted to pass the phone back to her and free myself from the sheet wound around my knee, I ended up crashing to the floor. _Fuck!_ Why did he have to call now? The first time...well, technically not the first time we'd slept together, but the first time we'd spent the night after sex.

A giggle came from above. "You alright down there?"

I looked up solemnly. Fearfully. "Bella. It's your dad." I passed her the phone and crawled over to where my pants had been tossed earlier. I pulled them on and bolted for the bathroom. The nausea passed as I bent over the sink, splashing icy water on my face and neck. Hangover? Or anxiety? _Fuck Cullen, knock it off! _It is what it is. It doesn't need a label. I forced myself into the shower to preoccupy myself so I wouldn't think. I heard Bella come in shortly after I drenched myself.

"Just have to pee! Sorry!" She did her business and then slid the shower door open a crack to smile at me around her toothbrush. "Meet you back in my room."

I went back in a towel only. My hair every which way from towelling it off first. "I don't wanna go to school today," I moaned as I flopped on her bed. "Call in sick for me?"

She straddled my waist, her bum on mine and began massaging my back. "It's only one class. Then you can come home and sleep."

"You working?"

"Mm-hmm. After my class. I won't see you 'til tonight." I felt her lips brushing my shoulders and a grin spread across my face.

"Can we pick this back up then?"

"Absolutely." Her light kisses turned into nibbles and I had to resist the urge to flip myself over. There wasn't enough time. That thought made me smile even more. Our second round had gone on and on and I was feeling pretty confident that I wouldn't be the minute-man anymore. Or even the 3 minute-man.

Feeling cheeky, I did flip. "Something to think about," I grinned at her as I hardened against her thigh. "For later."


	51. Chapter 51

_**As per usual, thanks to Stephenie for the amazing characters and Jack for the inspiring lyrics. **_

**Chapter 51**

We were up with the sun Saturday morning, putting the finishing touches on the house. Rose and I had cleaned, top to bottom, while our partners were are work Friday night but we wanted everything looking perfect. Besides, I was nervous as hell and needed the distraction. I was helping Bella in the kitchen when my parents arrived. "Look at you, being all domestic," Esme teased as she hugged me and then went to hug Bella. "He's treating you well?"

"The best," she beamed. "He's a good dishwasher."

"Indeed, my wife trained both boys well. Hi Bella." Carlisle gave her a kiss on the cheek and hugged me. "Son. How are you holding up?"

I held my shaking hand out, chuckling with nerves running wild. "She won't let me near the glassware."

"Smart lady. What can we help with?"

"Nothing!" Bella and I said in unison.

"Why don't you go bring in the stuff from the car honey?" Esme rubbed my arm and coaxed me out of the kitchen.

I returned with a tote and a friendly scowl. "Mother...clearly you have difficulty with simple instructions; don't bring anything, this is our treat to thank you for all your help with the house. Don't. Bring. Anything. That's what I said, right?"

Her eyes were wide and innocent she wore a coy smile. "I believe you said, 'don't bring anything for dinner or dessert or snacks'. You were very concise."

"Hmm." I smiled myself as I leaned against the counter and pulled Bella in front of me, my arms around her. "And yet...what's all this?"

"Food," she stated matter-of-factly. "Look, you kids are so busy. I just wanted to make sure you were eating properly. This isn't for today. It's freezer food. A couple of full meals for a time when all of you are home and some individual meals you can just pop in the microwave. And I don't want to hear it Edward! This is what mothers do."

"Thank you Esme." Bella nudged me with her elbow. "We will enjoy every bite. That was very thoughtful of you." Ah, my Bella had paid attention to how to best please Esme. Well done.

"You know she has an ulterior motive," I bent to speak into Bella's ear, grinning at Esme. "We'll have to take her dishes back to her."

"That's right!" Carlisle chuckled. "We've got a smart kid here, honey. With an empty freezer, I hope."

"Ice cream and Hot Pockets...Edward!" Esme grimaced as she examined the state of our freezer. I went to rearrange things to make room for the real food.

Grinning like the Cheshire Cat, I produced a bag of frozen veggies to show we did cook ourselves on occasion. Or, planned to. "Aaah! Peanut butter!" I exclaimed as I discovered a tin of Esme's best cookies left in the tote. My hand got slapped away.

"Those are Jasper's, put it down. If he opts to share with you, that's another story. Come visit and I'll make you some. Bella, you'll have to tell me what your favourite special treat is for future." She stood next to her, arm around her waist. "When is your dad arriving?"

"Soon," Bella replied, checking the time. "I should go."

"Bella is meeting her dad for a pre-meet chat and weapon check. Best not have his guns loaded when he meets me," I joked as Bella started out of the kitchen. She shot me a look over her shoulder. She'd spent an hour the previous night, after we made love, assuring me that Charlie didn't hate me. Wouldn't hate me. I wanted to believe her, in my heart I was still quite skeptical.

Jasper and Rosalie appeared, occupying my parents so I snuck out to see Bella off. "I wish you weren't leaving," I whispered into her ear as we embraced. "I need you Bella."

"I won't be long." She smiled up at me, brushing my hair off my forehead. "Maybe you should have a drink. Relax."

I shook my head. "That could be risky. I don't need any help saying something stupid in front of your dad." I held her as we kissed softly at the door. "Want me to walk you?"

"Yes," she smiled. "But that defeats the purpose of me meeting with Charlie before he comes here. Just relax Cullen. I love you. He'll love you." Another sweet kiss. "Eventually." She smirked as she patted my chest and kissed my chin. "Back soon."

I motioned for Carlisle to join me from the kitchen door. Esme was completely wrapped up in a conversation with Rosalie. She hadn't seen her since Christmas. Using the excuse of wanting to show him how great the new Mac was, Carlisle followed me to my room. He saw through me quickly, however.

"What's on your mind?"

"Hmm. Murder? Dad, I'm seriously crapping myself about meeting Bella's dad. I keep having visions of him shooting me. Is this normal? Were you scared meeting Gram and Gramps?"

Carlisle gave me his reassuring smile. "Everyone is nervous when it's something that really matters son. It'll get easier as you get to know each other. Of course, it would've been easier if you worked up to the living together...I don't know Edward...to be honest, I'd have some issues meeting my daughter's live-in lover."

"We're roommates..."

He smirked as he slapped my back. "Roommates who happen to be in love and... You're being careful, right?"

"Yeah yeah. Of course." I blushed, unable to even attempt to deny we were now very sexually active.

"We adore Bella, both of us. She's good for you, it's obvious. It's just, she's so young...you both are, but she's still a teenager Edward." Carlisle spoke slowly, gently cautioning me.

"You think we're too serious about each other?"

"I can't criticize, son. I was your age when I fell for Esme. Just be responsible. It's easy to get caught up in the moment and suddenly, your whole life plan changes. Know what I'm saying?"

"Of course. I'm not ready for a kid. I can't even take care of myself," I laughed.

"You seem to be handling everything. I have to admit, it's really something seeing you with Bella. For a parent to see their son in this sort of relationship, it's amazingly rewarding."

I smiled back at him. I'd had the best example of a good, solid relationship growing up with them. "I wanted to show you something. Bella's gift to me." I took the book off my shelf. "Have you seen this?"

There was a look of melancholy in his smile. "No. We haven't seen the finished product."

"There's a dedication..." I opened it to the page I wanted to show him. The page that had put me in tears for the second time that week.

"_'For Elizabeth and Edward. Love at first sight and forever in my heart.'_" He read aloud and held his eyes on the printed words for several moments as though reading it again and again, just as I had. "Have you given any more thought to contacting him?"

"I hadn't...at all...until I saw that," I told him honestly. "I dunno. I'm confused. Part of me wants to leave things alone. I've got everything I need. Everything I want." My fingers traced the words of dedication on the page before I closed it. "I wonder if _he_ does. I wonder if he replaced us. Found a new love at first sight, had his own son. Or if he's alone..."

"You wonder if has regrets?"

I nodded with an appreciative grin. Carlisle always knew what was at the core of my anxieties. "He did an extremely selfless thing, giving me the opportunity for the life I have. I'm happy Dad. I kinda want to know that he is too. I mean, it was right for me - his decision; was it right for him too?"

"I can get in touch with his publisher, see if I can get a current contact for him..."

I shook my head. "Thanks Dad, but I think this is something I need to do myself."

* * *

We took our gathering outside to enjoy the beautiful early summer day we got. I was feeling more relaxed as my extended family talked and laughed easily. I'd forgotten I wouldn't hear Bella returning since they'd be in Charlie's car, not her Red Monster. She came up behind me as I was relating a story about a disastrous lab session this week. Everyone was in stitches but Jaz spotted Bella behind me without me knowing they were there.

"Hey Bells," he called out and stood to offer his chair. My stomach flipped as I rose with the others to greet our last guest.

Bella introduced Jasper and Rose first before they went in to get some snack foods to put out with drinks. I wiped my hand on my jeans frantically to dry it off before shaking his hand. Damn nerves! His grip was incredibly firm and he gave an extra hard squeeze before he released my hand. I was sweating profusely by that point.

"Sweetie, relax," Bella whispered to me when Charlie turned his attention to my parents. I appreciated her sentiment, which she kept repeating throughout the day, but it was pretty fucking impossible to accomplish when he didn't address more than two words to me all afternoon and gave me a death stare any time there was contact with Bella. I kept my hands shoved deep in my pockets to resist the urge to hold her hand and end up getting shot.

"Cullen!" All heads turned when Bella called out to me after an unsuccessful attempt to find the barbecue tools.

"Uh, she means me," I grinned, blushing as I excused myself to help her out.

"She calls you by your surname?" Charlie inquired boldly when I returned.

The first question he'd asked me all day. I froze for a second, not expecting his question. Man up Cullen! Speak to the guy! How do you expect Bella's dad to like you if you don't ever speak? I nodded. It was a start. Not good enough, obviously. His eyebrow raised and he frowned. "It's just something Bella's done since we first became friends," I explained, surprised when my voice came out clear and strong. "If she calls me Edward, I know I'm in trouble." That got some chuckles so I felt bold enough to keep speaking. "Do you have any vacation plans for the summer?" It was a hard left in the conversation, but it was the first thing that came to mind.

He revealed a week of fishing as his excitement for the summer. Great. End of conversation for me. I pulled off and idled as my dad and he chatted about various places to get some decent catches.

"What's your best catch Edward?"

I snapped out of my revelry as my name was used. "Huh? Oh. I'm not really a fisherman..."

"Your dad just said you used to go out on the lake..."

"Yeah. I'd take a book." This amused him for some reason.

"Edward's not a big outdoors guy," Esme came to my defense. "He's more artistic and cerebral. His brother and father enjoy the outdoor activities more than he and I do."

Super, Mom. Put me in the kitchen baking cookies with you. By the look in Charlie's amused eyes, that was exactly his thought. "You had a birthday this week. 21?" For some reason he let me off the hook.

"22, actually." Here we go.

An eyebrow practically disappeared into his hairline. "Is that right? Why is it you're only a year ahead of Bella?"

For some unknown reason, Jack chose that moment to sing in my head.

_'You tell me to relax  
And listen to these facts  
That everyone's my friend  
and will be 'til the end  
But know this much is true  
No matter what I do  
No matter what I say  
Offend in every way'  
_  
"Yeah, I got left back," I said dryly. "Had to repeat first grade. They felt sorry for me and pushed me through second, but I was able to catch on eventually."

All amusement from before had left his face. "You failed first grade?"

"Edward!" Esme swatted me. "What are you doing? He did not fail first grade. Or any grade. He did a fifth year in highschool so he could do all of his AP courses and take other classes instead for his first year here."

Bella had rejoined us by that point and was looking at me incredulously. "He's joking Dad. Not very well, but he isn't being serious. I told you already, he's really smart. He wouldn't have failed grade one."

Esme gave me another swat. So much for being myself. I went back to Silent Edward.

"He doesn't talk much, does he," Charlie snickered to Bella over dinner. I was at the other end of the table, not even given the opportunity to sit next to her. The others were chatting amongst themselves but I was tuned in to that particular conversation.

"He's shy Dad. And nervous. Give him a break. Please?" Bella spoke quietly before glancing over at me. I averted my eyes. And sulked.

I was battling myself as to whether or not I wanted a drink. I desperately did. But what would Charlie think? I got up and brought the drink cooler around for everyone to select their beverage of choice. If Charlie took a beer, I would as well. Problem solved. "Char..." I began as I got to his seat. Seeing the look I got, I quickly changed my address. "Mr Sw..." Still not right. "Chief Swan?" There we go. Formal and authoritative was his preferable address for me. Okay then. It didn't escape me that even my friends were welcome to call him Charlie by this point. I sighed as he selected a Coke.

After dinner, I carted the dishes into the kitchen while Bella served up dessert. I popped open a beer while I was in the kitchen and downed it before returning. Everyone had moved from the table. I plunked myself down on the ground by Rosalie's chair, picking at grass blades. She picked at my hair until I chuckled and swatted her away.

"Not going so well huh?" Rose pushed her chair aside and sat on the grass with me, head on my shoulder as she talked quietly.

"Not even remotely. He hates me Rose."

"It'll take time. We've all grown to love you," she teased. "Look Edward, he'll either accept you and eventually like you or he won't. Does that make what you and Bella have change?"

"It would be easier if we got along."

"That's not what I asked. You'll still love her, she'll still love you. You fought through all of us to plead your case. We're all coming around to see Bella as you do, the same thing will happen with Charlie and you. You'll see." See passed me her beer and kissed my cheek. "In the meantime, just be yourself baby. Stop trying to impress him."

I smiled warmly at my friend and finished her beer.

* * *

_A/N ~ Many many MANY thanks for the reviews all! Love hearing from you. Things get a bit interesting in the next chapter. Edward can always eff things up, right? Even when it's not entirely his fault... ~S/R_


	52. Chapter 52

**_Lyrical thanks to Jack, who frequently sings in Edward's head. _**

**Chapter 52**

"Mind if we stick around to watch? We haven't seen you play in so long!" My mouth dropped open at Esme's question when Jasper gave his apologies for having to duck out. My parents... at a club?

"Love it! I'll leave your names at the door in case you don't come with Edward. Otherwise, you'll have to pay."

"Of course we'll pay," Carlisle interjected. "The more paid seats you fill, the more in demand you'll be."

"Honey, we're so proud of you!" Jasper beamed as my mom gave him a tight hug. Not like his mother ever came around to see his accomplishments.

"I have to warn you though..." he lowered his voice with an impish grin,"There might be swearing."

"Not from you, there won't be. Jasper, you are capable of using much more interesting words, why waste your skills?" I laughed at my friend's expense. I'd heard the exact same lecture countless times.

Rosalie came to my side to whisper to me. "Want me to stay with you?"

"No! You go on. You should be with Jaz..."

"You're sure? I don't mind."

"Go!" I insisted as I hugged her. "But thanks for offering."

"Charlie, you should join us!"

I cringed as I heard my mother's words. Bella and I exchanged a horrified look. Rose grabbed my hand. "I'm staying!"

I saw Bella exchanging words with her dad as we cleared away the last of the dishes and trash from the patio. And then she disappeared inside after a sweet smile in my direction. I was watching her walk away with a grin of my own when Charlie approached me.

"Beer?" He took two bottles from the cooler and passed me one. "I don't have to drive for awhile so I might as well." He popped the cap off and took a long swallow. "My daughter thinks we should have a talk. She seems to think I've been rude and difficult."

He didn't see my smirk because he was staring off in the distance rather than looking at me. I took a drink myself before responding. "It's been a little strained," I agreed.

He nodded, taking another swig. "I understand this isn't you...whatever that means."

"Bella's words?" I got a nod of agreement. "Hmm. Well I guess that means I'll get shit from her later too."

Charlie actually cracked a grin. "My girl's got some fight in her. Very determined young lady."

"She's amazing," I concurred.

"She says the same about you. I haven't seen that yet, but seeing as I'm not getting _you_ today..."

"Chief Swan, I wish we had met earlier on, when Bella and I first became friends. I think it would've been easier on both of us."

"Got that right. Let me ask you something Edward." Charlie looked me in the eye for the first time. I felt like shrinking up and just disappearing. "How do you suppose you'd feel if your only child, your baby girl, came to you and told you she would be living with a boyfriend that you had no idea about?"

I swallowed hard. "I imagine I'd be pretty devastated. And upset that I didn't know sooner." My voice was surprisingly steady, though I spoke quietly and my hands shook with nerves.

"Right again. Look...son...I have nothing against you. I don't even know you for chrissake. I've only got my girl's word to go on and she's crazy about you. Gave up a wonderful kid that I did know, for you. I guess you _must_ be something special." His eyes didn't leave mine as he spoke or as he tipped the bottle to his mouth. "I'm inclined to think you'd be more to my liking if you'd initiated a meeting with me before shacking up with my daughter."

"That's what I was trying to say..."

"Were you...involved...when you made these living arrangements?" It felt like we should be in an interrogation room.

"Very early stages, sir, but yes." I decided the full truth would get me a lighter sentence. "I had strong feelings for Bella even at that point, but I didn't know she felt the same for me. We asked her to move with us strictly as a roommate. It benefited all of us."

He pursed his lips and lifted his eyebrows. "Mostly you though. I'm going to lay it out. You gave me a very honest answer, so I'll be straight with you so we have no misunderstandings in future. That is my baby girl you're messing with. She's my life, son. If she's hurt, I'm hurt. And I believe in justice, eye for an eye."

"I don't intend to hurt her..." He gave me such a stern look, my words were cut short.

"To clarify... My baby girl will _NOT_ be a single mother."

I choked on the beer I was attempting to swallow. "Uh...no sir...I'm responsible..."

"I'm not saying you aren't. I am saying that if you knock my daughter up, there wouldn't be an opportunity for you to take responsibility at that point. You will be responsible at this point. Before it happens." He paused to stare me down. I wondered if he could see me shaking, or the sweat forming on my upper lip. Could he hear my knees knocking? "She's just a baby herself for chrissake! If Bella gets pregnant, you won't be around to follow through."

I shook my head in disagreement. "Of course I would!"

"No. You wouldn't. Because you'd be in traction for a very very long time. Get me? Are we clear?"

"Crystal," I croaked. I was incredibly annoyed with myself for being so easily and thoroughly intimidated. I was being responsible! And I would follow through on whatever Bella and I agreed upon in any situation! Instead of endeavoring to stand up for myself and make him understand I had just as much at stake here, I folded under his cold stare and forceful words. "I understand completely sir."

He nodded and patted my shoulder. It lowered several inches under his firm hand. "Good man. Separate rooms for show?" _Fuck!_ More interrogation. I was ready to wet my pants.

"No sir. Separate rooms for real." Not untruthful. Bella had never stayed the night in my room. And it wasn't a habit when I stayed in hers...it was necessary that weekend we had guests and other than that, my birthday night was our only sleepover. I knew he wasn't so much concerned with where I slept as much as where my dick was.

_No matter what I do_  
_Offend in every way_  
_I don't know what to say_

"In that case, what reason can you give me for answering my daughter's phone the other morning? I obviously woke you up."

_With every word I say_  
_Offend in every way  
_  
I decided I had nothing to lose. "Well, I have no reason other than I'd fallen asleep in her room. She asked me to answer the phone when it rang."

He nodded, stroking his mustache in thought. "How did falling asleep in her room come about? Your own is just down the hall."

_No matter what I say  
_  
"It was my birthday. Bella had gifts for me..."

"Sleeping pills?" Charlie smirked.

"No sir. A book..." Movement caught my eye; Bella.

"How are my guys doing? I thought you'd be in by now." She linked her arm through mine and leaned on me. Not as comforting as normal since I wasn't exactly steady on my feet. I envisioned us toppling over, drink in my hand.

"Edward here was just telling me about some book you gave him that induces sleep."

"Dad!" Bella gasped. "That's really personal..."

"It's fine Bella." I felt bolder for the moment. I spoke to Charlie, my voice and words clear and direct. "I'm adopted. I didn't know until recently. My mother died when I was an infant. This book...it's my father's first publication. He wrote it on a trip where he met my mother. It means a lot. To me." I paused when my voice quivered at that last part. I refused to cry in front of Charlie. "I was emotional..." Bella rubbed my back to soothe me.

Charlie reddened and looked away. "I'm sorry to hear that."

"I told you he was going through a rough time lately Dad," Bella fumed. "That was really intrusive!"

"Hey guys," Rosalie called out. "Everything okay?"

_"Fine!"_ Bella and Charlie hissed together.

"Edward?" Rose waited for my okay on the situation.

I offered a tight grin. "We're fine Rose. Thanks."

"How was I supposed to know..." Charlie muttered.

It was kind of amusing seeing him on the receiving end of Bella's rage. Still, I didn't quite know what I should say or do. I sipped on my beer waiting for inspiration.

"Honestly Dad. I can't believe you're making him talk about that! I asked you to be nice. To give him a chance."

"I'm doing that Bells. We're talking."

"Seems more like an interrogation. Was it Edward? Was he asking you a bunch of questions that are none of his damn business?"

I flinched as my name was brought into it. I knew I'd have to be careful with my response. "Um...sort of. But justified, I think. Your dad is just concerned for you." I raised an eyebrow as I looked Charlie's way.

"That's right," he agreed. "Just doing my duty as a dad, Bells."

"No, you're butting in!"

"Well if you'd be a little more forthcoming, I wouldn't have to interrogate."

"Dad! In case you haven't noticed, I've grown up. I'm capable of living my own life without giving you a detailed statement."

"Bells..."

"I don't want to hear it! We talked about this! I told you Edward was quiet and sensitive, to go easy. Instead, you've been rude and boorish!"

"Boorish? Edward have I been boorish?"

Shit. Me again. "Um..." I shook my head. "Maybe I should let you two talk..."

"You're not leaving. This is your house."

I froze on the spot, incredibly uncomfortable but unwilling to defy Bella's orders at the moment. "He's really sweet, Dad. And smart. And funny. If you'd stop being Chief Swan for a day and get to know him you'd understand!"

"This isn't a police thing Bells, it's a father thing."

"Is it? Is it really Dad? Because you never questioned my life before! Is it because this is _MY_ choice? Because I found him and fell in love with him and you had nothing to do with it?"

"Bells..." He looked as uncomfortable as I felt. I had some empathy for the guy.

"That's exactly it! You have no control over this! He's my choice and you can't do a damn thing about it. You're powerless."

"It's not a power struggle. But I don't have to agree with every decision you make. Just because you think you're in love with this shy, sensitive guy..."

Was he mocking me?

"Don't do that! Don't belittle him! You don't even know him!"

Ah. Apparently so. "I should probably go inside..."

Bella gripped my arm to keep me in place. "I don't _think_ I'm in love with him, I _am_! And I love that he's sensitive and emotional."

"And standing right here..." I muttered. Shit, I wonder how they talk about me when I'm _not _there.

"You can't expect me to do cartwheels around every boy you bring home."

"Every boy? _EVERY_ boy? There's been _TWO_, Dad. And I'm only asking...no expecting...you to accept this _one_. What have I ever asked you for before this?"

"Aw, Bells..."

"No! Answer me! Have I ever asked you for anything? In my whole life? Think hard Charlie. You know this is it. The one thing that's important enough for me to ask you to change for. Don't make me choose Dad. You'll lose this one."

"Bella!" I gasped. "This isn't an either/or. He's your dad! We'll find a way to work this out. Even if we agree that he just dislikes me, I'm okay with that. I can handle it."

"See that Bells? Already I'm seeing a new side of him. He is smart after all." Charlie smirked, but it didn't feel like a slam. He was working with me on Bella.

"Just...don't be..." Bella bit back every word. She was so frustrated. I wanted to hold her so badly. "Just try. Please? For me?"

"We will," I vowed instantly.

"We will," Charlie agreed.

"Good, 'cause it's not Edward with the issue here, it's you Charlie." I casually extended an arm around her back to offer her the same consolation she'd given me, without setting Charlie off by him seeing my hand on her. I didn't want this to go on and on. I'd been referred to as 'Edward' far too often for Bella standards. I had determined that she called me 'Cullen' when she was being playful, flirty...just being my girl. The use of 'Edward' usually frightened me, put me on edge. She was normally very serious or pissed off when that came into play. It certainly made me pay attention to what she was saying. With this in mind, I was dreading our next alone time. "Can you please give us a minute?" She was addressing Charlie. Damn. That alone time was much sooner than I thought.

I pulled her in for a hug the minute Charlie rounded the house, out of view. "I'm sorry Bella. I thought this would go a lot better."

"You could try too Edward. My dad is really not such a bad guy. He's just very different from you. Could you try to find some common ground? Could you speak? Do something? You weren't even this quiet the first night we met."

"Uh," I chuckled as I kissed her forehead. "I got beat up that night too."

"Edward..."she whined into my chest.

"Okay okay. I'll stop talking about the damage he could inflict."

"He wouldn't."

I smirked to myself thinking of his out and out threat. Traction. For a very very long time. She didn't need to know about that.

* * *

Rosalie took everyone back to see Jaz and the guys so I paid a visit to Leah. We were having a good chat but I kept turning to keep an eye out.

"You look uptight sweetheart, what's up?"

"See that dude there coming out from the back with Bella?" I leaned back against the bar and Leah leaned forward.

"The guy with the wicked 'stache?"

"That's the one," I smirked. "Bella's dad."

"Ahhhh. How's that going?"

"In-_tense_!" I jumped when Esme snuck up on me, I was so wrapped up in the Swans. I introduced her to Leah.

"Oh my god! This is your mom?" Leah gripped my wrist excitedly. "Wow. So young! I have to tell you, your son is _gorgeous_. Not just physically. He's gorgeous through and through. A real gentleman. And there's not many of them around! Well done!" She laughed as she and Esme high-fived. Geez. "A total family affair huh?"

I turned to see Bella and Charlie had joined us. Bella gave a small wave to Leah and stood next to me.

"So you're performing tonight?" Leah asked as she popped some bottles and passed them to a customer.

Esme looked from me to Leah. "He performs? Here? Edward?"

Laughing, Leah leaned over to talk again. "Not every time, but yeah, he gets up there and does his thing. The crowd loves him. Truthfully, he's more of a fan favourite than Ty but we won't let Ty know."

"Shhhh!" I laughed as she put her forehead to mine. "Anyway, not tonight."

"Oh you have to! Come on! Don't make me beg, you know I will!"

"Grrr! Why can't I resist you?"

Esme gripped her chest dramatically. "He refuses his mom but not a pretty girl."

"With free drinks." Leah winked as I chuckled.

"You know you're more than beer to me Leah."

"I know baby. I know. A round is on me if you'll sing for us tonight."

"You don't have to..."

_"He sings?" _Esme an Charlie both exclaimed.

Leah laughed as she passed over a pair of Heinekens for Bella and I. "Oh, he sings. What are the rest of you having?"

She got their drinks as Bella pulled me off to the side. "Can you not flirt with the barmaid in front of my dad?"

I frowned. "It's Leah! That's how we always are! You never said it bothered you."

"Normally... Edward, in front of my dad?"

"Okay okay. Listen, if you don't think it's a good idea for me to go up tonight..."

"Go! Do it! I want him to see part of the reason I fell so hard for you."

"Just part though, not the other stuff," I teased flirtatiously.

"Definitely not the other stuff." She stood on her toes to give me a kiss. I wanted to deepen it but we had an audience.

"Aren't they sweet together?" Esme gushed.

"Adorable. They're perfect for each other," Leah sighed.

"Hmph," Charlie grumbled.

I tried to tell Bella I loved her with my eyes. Until the awkward confrontation in our backyard, I'd been feeling pretty abandoned by her. I now had a clue of how she was feeling those first days in the house when she had no back-up. She was chewing her lip and blushing when I finally glanced away. I quickly drank the beer I knew I'd need if I was going to pull this off.


	53. Chapter 53

**_If you all don't know by now, there's gonna be some Jack White in this chapter... just sayin'..._**

**Chapter 53**

We chose a table off to the side for a change not wanting to put our parents into the throes of it entirely. They refused the offer of the sidestage private seating. Bella came back with me after the first few songs. Tanya was there. We ignored her and made out while the opportunity arose. I also had another drink. I passed her my bottle while I tuned my guitar - Jasper's Ibanez.

"You've all noticed a little change in the playlist tonight," I heard Jasper drawling. "A little tamer, more parent friendly." There was a round of _'boos'_. "Now now. Play nice," he taunted. "That's due to some very special guests with us tonight. Say hi to Mops, Pops and the Chief!" He bowed elaborately at their table. "An honour to have them here. But I feel something..."

I strapped my guitar on and gave Bella a kiss.

"I feel...I feel... A little Icky!"

The crowd exploded. I broke into a cold sweat. "Sweetie, you're really pale. You okay?"

"Nervous."

She gave me the smile. "Go get 'em baby."

I stole another kiss while _'Icky Thump' _started up for me. I went out after Ty sang the first verse. We did the next together and I finished up on my own. By the time it ended, the anxiety was easing. I focused on one small section in the pit so I wouldn't spot our families and freeze.

"Hi," I said into the mic with a chuckle when the applause started again. "So, that felt good, maybe I'll do one more." I heard someone call out. "What's that?" I bent to hear better. Someone requested _'Shadow'_. "Noooo! How'd you know about that?" I strained to hear over the noise.

"Your house!"

"What? My house? Who said that? The light's in my eyes, I can't see." The spot was turned away and I saw the girl everyone was pointing to. "Hey! I know you! _'Seven Nation Army' _girl, cool!" Jaz played the opening riff and everyone went nuts, then and after we finished the song.

"What? I can't hear you!" I laughed over the screams. "No, my therapy didn't take. I'm back on the _White_ Jack."

"Uh-ohhhh." Jasper came and draped an arm over my shoulder. "I'm getting a vibe." He nudged me with his foot. "Yep, a definite 'tone it down' vibe."

He started into _'Sister Do You Know My Name' _as he glanced over at Bella. I grinned my appreciation for the tip. Too much interaction. "Cool." I joined in, turning to face the side and sang directly to her. She melted. Slightly.

"Honey, you were amazing!" Esme praised. "Why did I not know you could sing like that?"

"Um...'cause you had me doing piano scales and reciting the periodic table of elements instead?" I teased.

"That's where that came from!" Bella laughed as she recalled the first sound check she saw me do. We had our arms wrapped around each other. Apparently she didn't see Charlie's glare or didn't care. I was just toasted enough to be on the brink of not caring myself. I leaned down for a kiss.

"You going back up again?" A voice broke my concentration on Bella's mouth.

"Seven Nation!" I smiled as Bella and I parted. This girl had a name...she was in my writing class last year. I drew a blank, however. "Nah, I'm done. I'm with family tonight."

"You should do some more then!" she encouraged.

I felt Bella tense up against me. "Mmm. I dunno. We'll see." I turned my attention back to Bella. "Come with me for a sec?" I held her hand as I led her backstage again. Finding a darkened corner, I pulled her against me for a deep kiss. My head felt fuzzy when it broke. I think I giggled.

"Are you drunk?" Bella squinted her eyes as she held my face in her hands. "You are! Jesus Edward!"

"Nooooo. Relaxed!" I grinned as I tried to pick our kiss back up. She held me off.

"God! Edward, how could you do this?"

"You told me to! All day long, 'have a drink, relax'. Ring any bells?"

"Ugh. You've been drinking all day? Is that where horny Edward is coming from?"

"Noooo. Horny Edward comes from this." I grabbed onto her ass and squeezed.

Both hands were flat against my chest, holding me away. "Not even cute at this point."

I released her as the wind in my sails stilled. "Baby you're not really angry, are you? You usually appreciate a stupider me from time to time."

She crossed her arms over her chest and I saw her eyes roll even in the darkness. "I'm going back out. You should get some air before you join us. Sober up."

"Bella..." My high was lost as she walked away from me. _Fuck!_ I headed out the side door where the staff gathered to smoke and I bummed one. It was the third cigarette I'd smoked in my life. I was choking on it when Tanya came out.

"Will you get in trouble just by my being here with you?" she sneered, standing much too close.

"Nope. 'Cause you're not with me." I tossed the half-smoked cigarette and went back in. It hadn't calmed me any, which was the whole point. Add Tanya to the mix...I wasn't so drunk that I didn't know to run from that.

I sat sidestage, sulking on an amp. Eclipse was playing a version of one of my songs that I hated. It sounded trippy. I don't write trippy. My spirits picked up somewhat when they did a song Jaz and I wrote together back in high school, loosely based on Rosalie. She had no clue even after all these years.

The longer I sat, the more the day's events gnawed at me. I could've tried harder with Charlie. But he didn't have to be some damned gruff and unapproachable. I had drank too much. But I wasn't drinking all day. Only when it really got rough. I should stop that. Drinking. And thinking, for that matter. I needed to fix what I'd made a mess of. _How the fuck would I do that? _Charlie already has his opinion of me firmly formed. Would anything I did to prove I was worthy of his daughter make a difference? _Was I worthy?_ What to do...

"E? You coming out for a few more?" Sam ran back to grab a water bottle and found me looking lost.

"I don't know what to do, Sam," I stated blankly.

"Come on man. Get your mind off things for awhile. We'll do _'Do'_," he suggested. I liked that. In the meantime, however, Ty had selected his audience member for the sing-along - Seven Nation. Sam and I watched together from the side, laughing. He had her crowing. She was a good sport.

We went back on when their song ended, but Seven Nation wasn't ready to leave. "Can I do one more with you guys?"

"Yeah?" Jasper asked with animation. They'd never had that request before. "What d'you wanna do?"

"Um, do you know _'Little Ghost'_?"

"Darlin', there's not a _White Stripes _song ever written that Edward and I don't know. The others can fake it." He winked and started it up.

The three of us shared a mic, her in the middle. Sam and Ty stood to the side keeping rhythm with Jared. "Seven Nation, ladies and gentlemen! Let's hear it for her!" I called out at the end. She took a bow, thanked us and departed the stage, glowing.

Ty hung back when I didn't leave the mic. "This is one called _'Do'_." I went with Sam's choice. It felt right. I caught sight of Bella at the end of it, looking an odd mix of angry and sympathetic. What was she thinking about? Her bottom lip was gone entirely. What did I do wrong now?

I went right into _'Offend In Every Way'_. Might as well sing out loud what had been in my head all day. The anger seemed diminished somewhat so I thought maybe, just maybe, singing a song that was 'ours' would help smooth things out with her at least. _'Apple Blossom' _was my first choice, but with Charlie here? Uh-uh. Then I remembered our dance in the kitchen, my first night back.

"Okay, last one for me. I'll go out with one that's special to me. _'Same Boy You've Always Known'_." I sang my heart out, not daring to look directly at Bella in case I got over-emotional. Then it all went wrong. The crowd cheered for Seven Nation to come back and she sang the last verse with me. Bella was not impressed.

"..._'And if there's anything good about me_  
_I'm the only one who knows'_."

I left the stage immediately, living those words of Jack's.

Rosalie was there when I turned around from packing up my guitar. "Baby, come here." She held her arms out for me and I went.

"Don't make me cry Rosalie," I mumbled. "If you do, I'll punch you."

She laughed at me using her common threat. "Tough day."

"Mmm," I mumbled in agreement, enjoying her warmth.

"There's lots good about you. I know it." She stroked my back gently.

"I swear I'll punch you..."

Eclipse played another two songs before their set ended. Rose and I watched together, holding hands and singing along quietly. "God I love that dude," she whispered as we watched Jaz take his bow.

"Me too," I laughed. "I'm glad we've got this year together. The three of us, I mean. It'll all change after graduation. I'll be on my own then. And you two will be taking on the world. Without me." I gave her a crooked grin to lighten my morose words.

"You'll always have us! And you'll have Bella!"

I shrugged. She still had another year here while I would be starting med school. Besides, after the horrible first day with her dad...would she even want a future with me? I pretended Rose's words cheered me regardless of my stupid, _stupid_ thoughts.

"Well, we have an issue," Carlisle frowned as we packed up the Escalade. "We're going back with more than we came with. Should've brought two vehicles."

"I'll walk," I volunteered.

"No sweetie. We can make two trips. It's not far. Problem solved." Esme smiled at her solution.

"It's_ not _far. And I'd _rather_ walk. Problem solved even easier."

"I'll walk with you," Rose climbed out of the back seat.

"Go with your boyfriend Rose," Bella asserted, hooking her arm through mine. "I'll go with mine. Wait for me at the house Dad?"

Charlie nodded and kissed her forehead. He gave me a pat on the shoulder before turning away.

"You were good. Your voice was really strong on that last one," Bella said softly after walking a block in silence. "Her name is Bree."

"Huh?"

"Seven Nation...her name is Bree. She's in my film class."

"Oh. She was in one of mine last year. I couldn't remember her name. Don't know if I ever knew it." Was that Bella's most recent problem with me? _Fuck!_ "I didn't want her up there for that song Bella. That one was for you. I was kinda pissed about it."

She stopped me for a kiss. A sweet, lingering kiss. "Thank you."

"I'd do anything for you Bella. Anything. I'm gonna work on your dad. Charlie's gonna get sick of me kissing his ass!" We giggled together as we strolled, holding hands. I brought our hands up to kiss the back of hers. "I'm gonna quit drinking too."

"Edward! You don't have to...I was just bitchy 'cause it didn't go like I'd hoped. You weren't that bad."

"No. I should. Seriously. I used to get drunk for fun. Lately, more and more it's to escape." Bella leaned her head against my shoulder. "And needing to be drunk to play? That's ridiculous. If it's something I want to do, I should just have the balls to do it and not care what people think."

"That's why you're stage shy? Cullen...do you seriously not know how much people love it when you're with Eclipse? You have your own fanbase. Obviously."

I frowned. "I don't want that."

"What do you want?" she asked softly.

"I want people not to critique my every move. To not scoff at my lyrics that are personal. Or laugh when I hit a bad note...they're gonna do that even when I'm drunk but at least then I don't care. I dunno. I want them to hear what I have to say, I guess. But in a way, I don't. It feels invasive. Like people aren't only laughing at my performance and my writing, but my very thoughts."

"None of that happens sweetie. Your fears are all unfounded, living in your own head. Own your fear and you can own your confidence."

She brought a grin to my face. "Know what I want more than anything? _You._"

"Aw, Cullen!" She slammed against me, blushing.

"Race you home?"

"You're on!"

* * *

_A/N ~ Bella's in some mood... more sparks will fly in the next chapter and Edward grows up even more... or tries to? Thanks for the comments! Love 'em love 'em love 'em! ~ S/R_


	54. Chapter 54

**Chapter 54**

"How's the hangover coming along?" Bella asked as she tiptoed to my bedside.

"Moved in nicely, thank you," I groaned. My stomach had already demanded two dashes to the toilet and if I could've permanently removed my head around two hours earlier, I would've. That seemed to be improving.

"It's after noon. I figured you should try to eat." She was stroking my hair gently. It felt like heaven. "Think you can manage?"

"I'll try to get up. Give me a minute."

"Stay put. I'll bring it to you." I was sitting up, holding my head in both hands when she carried in my hangover fix. "Black tea. Toast. Eggs with salsa and grilled tomatoes. Okay?"

I grinned as my stomach churned with hunger pangs this time. "Perfect! God I love you!"

"I know," she smirked.

"Still disagree I should quit? I'm even more inclined to go dry today."

She sat beside me as I dug in. "You'll change your mind next time Leah waves her...bottles at you."

I raised an eyebrow as I sipped my tea. "Me and Leah...that whole thing we do...you know it's not serious. At all."

She shrugged and chewed; first her lip, then a fingernail.

"Bella? Leah's not into me...or my parts. She's into...well, the same parts I am."

Her eyes widened and she cracked up. "Are you serious?"

I nodded. "Why do you think I'm so comfortable flirting with her? It's not like I'd ever get anywhere," I laughed. "She's really just a very cool chick. And she's been a good friend. That's all."

"I'm an idiot." She slapped her forehead, still laughing.

"No. You just see something in me that you think everyone else does when really, they don't."

"_Whatever_ Cullen." She poked her tongue out at me and ruffled my hair. "I'm gonna go check my email while you finish eating."

Feeling much better after the food and a hot, soapy shower, I took a moment to call home. I got Alice, who wanted every detail and had a theory for everything Charlie did or didn't do. I cut her short when the voices that had been distracting me for several minutes already suddenly got louder.

"Sorry Alice. Gotta run. We'll talk soon. " I rushed to my door and stood in the hallway to hear better. Bella and Rose were having it out in the kitchen.

"...what goes on behind my back, now I know!" I only caught the tail end of Bella's statement. What was going on behind her back? More gossip from Ellie?

"Get a grip Bella. You don't know what you're talking about." Rose was defensive. This was initiated by Bella.

"I saw it Rosalie! You were all over him backstage. I know you don't care how I feel, what about Jaz?"

"What_ about_ Jaz?" Rose's voice was louder now. "You spend a fair amount of time with my guy too, you know."

"We're friends! We've been working on our film project...I'm not throwing myself at him at every opportunity!"

"Listen sweetheart, Edward and I have been friends longer than anyone and that is not going to change for you or anyone."

_Uh-oh._ I hightailed it to the kitchen. "Hey hey hey! What's the problem?"

_"Stay out of it!"_ Both girls screamed without even looking my way.

I held up my hands and turned away. Leaning against the wall in the hall, I listened in.

"Friends? You spend more time on his lap than I do!" Bella hissed.

"Jealous?"

"Pissed, Rosalie. Friends sit next to each other, not on each other."

"What can I say? He likes it."

Oh Rosie... I tugged at my hair and held my breath.

"Would you like it if I acted like that with Jasper?"

"It's different Bella. Edward and I have history. You came into this as we are. I would definitely take issue with you on my man."

"Then keep your skanky ass off mine! And stop kissing him all the time! While we're at it, if Edward needs comforting, in any way, I will be the one to do it for him. Just back off!"

"I know what he needs, bitch, do you? He was falling apart yesterday and you were more concerned with what_ daddy_ thought..."

"Screw you Rosalie! I backed him! I know when he's vulnerable...in ways you don't, I might add."

"You would know about vulnerability. You cock-teased him so long."

_Aw shit._

"Fuck _you_! You don't know what our relationship is like! You're not in bed with us. We don't have to make a show of it every time we're doing it like you do. _'Listen everybody! I'm getting laid! Over and over and over...'"_

"What the fuck?" Jasper whispered to me as he bounded up the stairs. "What's going on?"

"A territorial thing. They're staking their claims...on us," I replied in a low voice.

"Should we break it up?"

I shook my head, fearing for my friend should he try to step in. "I tried. It's not good."

"...take a lesson. Edward could use some wildness too. Listen and learn. It might keep him interested a bit longer."

"Tips from the professional?" Bella got a jab in.

_"Ouch!"_ Jasper mouthed as I grimaced.

"Fuck you! I've only ever been with Jasper."

"Because Edward turns you down?"

"I'm getting the fuck outta here," Jasper whispered to me.

"Right behind you."

We returned, with groceries, to a silent house. The Red Monster wasn't parked outside so Bella was out. Jasper found Rose soaking in the tub. Her stress relief routine. Shit. It couldn't have went well.

I called to check on Bella and discovered she was at work, doing inventory. "You're on your own?"

"Yeah. I get it done faster without interruptions."

"Can I come keep you company?"

"I'm almost done."

"Shall I meet you then? We'll go out. I'll take you anywhere you want to go."

"Edward, I don't really feel like doing anything. But thanks."

"Are you...Bella, is everything alright? What happened at home?" I didn't want to do this on the phone, but she sounded distant.

"I don't wanna talk about it. I came here to get away from it. Focus on something else. I should get back to it."

I sighed, away from the phone. I'd give her space, but this cutting me out was really getting on my nerves. When would she trust me with everything? "I'll make you dinner?" I offered, praying she wouldn't reject me entirely.

"I'd love that Cullen. Thank you. See you soon." She disconnected.

Jasper and I got together to make the girls dinner. Chicken and salad with a wine dressing. I was putting some garlic bread in the oven when Bella got home. Rose was still in seclusion. Jaz took their dinner downstairs and Bella and I went to the patio.

We made small talk and otherwise sat in awkward silence. It hadn't even been this bad on the night of our blind date. She didn't seem upset with _me_; just upset. I took our dishes inside and cleaned up while she relaxed on her own. She summoned me to the hammock when I came back out with some of her favourite ice cream.

She laid against me as she ate dessert, spoon feeding me the occasional bite. "I'm sorry," she said quietly as she scraped the bowl. "I know you asked me to not argue with her anymore. It makes it awkward for you and Jaz, doesn't it."

"Yeah. We ran like scared bunny rabbits. But honey...I'm more concerned about you. Are you going to tell me what happened? I understand if you don't want to rehash the whole ordeal, but what brought it on? You were fine...something happened." I spoke softly to let her know I wasn't blaming her or accusing her. My questions were out of concern.

"I over-reacted."

I reached in front of us and took her empty bowl, placing it on the ground before wrapping my arms around her tightly. "I know you reacted, I don't know if it was over the top. I do know that whatever it was upset you Bella. I'd like to know what that was. Did she say something?"

"No. I initiated it." She sighed and fidgeted with my fingers on her belly. "Remember I went to check my email? Well, I get notices when there's an update on The Underground site. I went to see if there were pictures from last night. There was. And a link to more, so I followed it."

My mind was in overdrive, trying desperately to see ahead...or back, rather...to what picture could have made her upset. Seven Nation again?

"There are pictures of you. Lots of them."

"Me? Who would have me on their site?"

"I was so pissed, I didn't check it out."

"So how did Rosalie get into this?"

"She's with you in most of them. Hugging you. Kissing you. Real cozy pictures. Backstage, I'd guess."

"Huh? From when?" I wracked my brain. Then it hit me. "Ohhhh! Oh, Bella, you got the wrong idea. We were watching the band and talking..."

"Not talking Edward. Hugging. Kissing. Holding hands. You get the idea. It's nothing worse than I see in person, but I wasn't there. And it's on the internet. And basically, I just had enough of her throwing herself at you."

"Bella..."

She waved me to stop. "I know. There's nothing between you. You're really good friends. _I know._ I know that. That's why I'm sorry I started this whole mess."

"You're the only one for me Bella. Know _that_." I kissed her head as I stroked her hair gently.

"I do. I know...Cullen..." She flipped over to hug me. "I hate being jealous. I've never been jealous in my life. I hate how it makes me feel, how it makes me act...I trust you. I know it's innocent. There's just always someone with their hands on you. Or their lips. Even their eyes on you makes me want to scratch them out."

"I love you. You're being really silly, but I love you."

She giggled and kissed my chin quickly. "I've finally found something you're not very smart with...your own appeal. But I'm glad you're completely clueless about how many girls are hot for you because I wouldn't be here if you'd clued in on your own."

"Bella...now that's really silly. I'm not with you out of desperation. I chose you because you're smart and beautiful and funny and caring...and you look amazing in skinny jeans..."

"All the reasons myself and most every other female is into you, Cullen."

"Okay. You're right. So I should stop feeling grateful that you let me hang out with you and touch you even..._you're_ lucky I let you touch me," I teased.

She grinned up at me, knowing I was joking. "Okay, so we're both lucky." We kissed softly before I started thinking again.

Who took those pictures and who posted them online? If Ellie had anything to do with this...

"What are you thinking?" Bella asked with dread in her voice.

"I'm thinking that I love you so very much." True.

"And..."

"And wondering who the smartass was who caused all this shit in the first place."

"Does it matter? I trust you. I just have to work on my jealousy. You can't avoid all female contact because I'm an insecure twat."

"You're not! But still...it's bugging me."

"Know what's bugging me?"

"Tell me," I replied happily. She was letting me in!

"Okay, some honesty for you Cullen, 'cause I know you dig that," she smirked. "The Rosalie thing...it frustrates me but I kinda get it. I mean, she acts exactly the same with you even when Jasper's around so it must be innocent on her end too."

"Mm-hmm." I kissed her head several times.

"But it bugs me that I felt a twinge with Bree last night."

"Who?"

"Seven Nation? Remember her?"

"Oh, right. Bree, got it." I didn't. I'd forget again the next time I needed to recall her name. "Why does that bug you? There's zero connection there."

"Well, here's the thing...I really like her. I didn't at first because she's everything I'm not and I got annoyed by that."

"What do you mean? Everything you're not?"

"She's outgoing and completely at ease with herself. I thought she was a show-off, but she's really just very comfortable being herself. She's fun."

I smiled at Bella's admission. "That's great! You have a new friend...I'll make an extra effort to remember her name. For you."

"Mmm. Well, it may not be necessary. I don't wanna start something that will end in bitterness. It won't work if she's into my boyfriend."

"I think she was just having fun. It wasn't about me."

"Still, I had that twinge...I don't want to invest anything into a friendship only to get burned, y'know?"

An earlier conversation with Alice about Bella preferring to be alone came to mind. "Honey, did someone hurt you? Is that why you shy away from everyone but a select few?"

"No. No, nothing like that. I'd just rather avoid it, period. I have to really trust someone before I let them know me. It's self-preservation."

"It's self-isolation Bella. You could be missing out on really great things on the chance that you may get burned down the road. Isn't it lonely...being closed in that way?" I thought of my mother, Elizabeth. She was a loner too, apparently And lonely.

"I have you," she smiled and kissed me. "And Alice, of course."

"Always." I gave her a tender kiss. "If I promise to just hang back and not be like, overly friendly with..."

"Bree," she reminded me when I got stuck on her name again.

"Yeah. You should hang out with her some. Give it a try."

She chewed on her nail rather than her lip. "She asked if we could collaborate on our projects. She wants me to edit their script and Jaz to do their soundtrack."

"Yeah? Go for it!"

"Maybe..."

"Honey...is there more to it? What's holding you back?"

I saw her wiping away a tear. "I opened up to one person on a whim, 'cause I thought we would be really great friends some day. She used my words against me, betrayed my confidence. I could've lost you. And I did lose her."

"Ellie," I whispered. We hadn't talked about her at all. I figured it would come sooner or later. "I'm sorry Bella. I'm so sorry." I hugged her tightly against me. "I didn't know it was so devastating for you. I didn't realize you cared that much."

She shrugged, wiping at more tears in frustration. "I don't want to care. It happened. I obviously thought more of the friendship than she did. It is what it is. She's your friend and I'm your girlfriend."

"Maybe you'll get to a point later on..."

She shook her head. "No. I dislike what she did, but I don't dislike her. She had her reasons. But I won't be open with her again. It's not worth it because I know how it could go and I won't put myself there again." She lifted her head to look up at me. "Please don't say anything to her. I feel like an idiot already that I thought it was more than it was. And I don't want it to affect your relationship; with her or Sam."

"I won't say anything," I vowed. "And I keep my word." I understood her. There were friends I wouldn't confide anything of a personal nature to and a few that I knew I could trust with anything. Bella was still learning about that. Seemed I was too; I was someone who never broke a confidence. I kept many secrets to myself. It was difficult to think that someone I had trusted could hurt Bella. I'd never seen a glimpse that Ellie could be someone I couldn't trust. "I promise you. You can trust me with anything Bella."

"I know. That's one of the billion things I love about you." She snuggled in as I revelled in my love for her. I adored how she would quote things I'd said to her. It meant she heard me; understood me. Best of all, shared my feelings. We spent a second night sleeping under the stars, wrapped up in each other, just as we'd been as we drifted off to sleep.


	55. Chapter 55

**Chapter 55**

It was pretty tense, and silent, around the house all week. Jasper told me Rosalie hadn't wanted to talk about the argument either. Very strange because she was normally very outspoken about such things. Unless she felt she was wrong. I wasn't about to put my head in the lion's mouth so I let it rest.

By the weekend, it had eased somewhat. They said a few words to each other over dinner before Jaz's gig. It was something. I stayed away from the stage, opting to hang with Bella for a whole show, for a change. She was in a clingy mood, always touching me in some way. I liked those days; they made me feel giddy like I was just falling for her, when in fact I was already too far gone to ever turn back.

We were in the pit, Bella in front of me like our first night together, only this night I didn't have to guess if I should hold onto her. She held my arms firmly around her the whole time, tipping her head back for a kiss every now and then. God, I loved her. But I had to pee. Really bad.

"Be right back," I shouted into Bella's ear. "Don't go anywhere, I'll find you. Want a drink while I'm out there?"

"Um...a Coke?"

"You got it." She was tea-totalling with me tonight.

When I returned, after fighting my way back through the pit crowd, Bella had company. She smiled shyly at me as I took my place holding her again.

"Hey! Did I miss your set? I just got here." Seven Nation was a bold one, Bella was right.

"Nope. I'm on a date tonight. Just hanging with my girl." I smiled as I nibbled on her neck. "You should go up for one though!"

"Oh my god, I'd love to! That was so much fun! Bella, you should try it!"

"Noooooo! No way," she chuckled. "I'm merely a fangirl."

"Jaz!" I yelled out when the song ended. "Seven Nation wants a reprisal!"

"Cool! Come on up darlin'!"

Rather than shoving her way to the side, she hauled herself up right where she was. Bella and I gave her a little shove and Sam took her hand to help out. "What've you got for me tonight?" she asked Ty.

"Your choice baby," he grinned. Even he was taken back by her boldness.

"How about _'The Denial Twist'_?"

"Oh my lord! Another White Stripes freak," Ty emoted. "It's all yours!"

Bella and I cheered her on as she took the lead and got Sam and Jaz dancing with her. She was really something. I could see how Bella was both drawn to her energy and weary of it at the same time. This girl put everything into all that she did. No fear. No regrets.

"Wow, that was awesome," Bella praised when she hopped back down.

"You're a natural," I agreed.

"Good taste in music too," Bella winked at me.

"Stupendous taste in music," I agreed. The three of us watched the last few songs together.

"Mind if I steal your girlfriend away for just a little while?" Bree asked. "I have a proposition for her."

I raised my eyebrows in interest. "A proposition? I'm intrigued. By all means...I'll go help the guys break down the equipment." I gave Bella a kiss before leaving them on their own.

Stealing a glance out at them every once in awhile, I saw them talking animatedly, laughing. I saw Bella happy...with someone other than me. She glowed when she smiled. She caught me watching once and blushed at the intensity of my gaze.

"Are you going to tell me what she proposed?" I asked as we strolled home. I'd given her space, hung back while she spent time with her new friend.

Bella's cheeks reddened as she smiled. "She worked out an arrangement to get me and Jasper working with her group. Like I told you before, she wants me to work on their script. So if I do, and Jaz helps with the music, she'll act in ours. We have a disadvantage because it's only me and Jaz. We can't film, direct and perform at the same time. We're going to need help."

Smiling, I pulled her close. "Sounds like a fair deal. Will you have time?"

"Yeah...it's slow at work. I can get it done very easily. I just have to talk to Jasper and see what he thinks."

"Have you decided what you're doing for your own project yet?"

She grinned mischievously. "We're still finalizing. I've got a rough draft of one option done, but we're not sure if it will work on camera."

"Hmmm...sounds very secretive," I teased.

"I think you'll like it. Hey, we have the house to ourselves. Jasper and Rose will be out for awhile still..."

"Um, if you're suggesting what I'm currently thinking, why are we walking so slowly?" Grinning at each other, we bolted for home.

* * *

"Let's go to your room," Bella said as we started things off in the hall. "I keep wondering if they can hear us downstairs as easily as we hear them in my room."

"Who cares? Besides, they're not home and you're not a banshee." I teased her as I undid the button on her jeans and slid my hands inside to squeeze her bum.

Her own hands were already working to free me from my jeans. She smiled appreciatively when she saw I was ready to go. Our contact for the past week had been restrained with Bella feeling down. I didn't want to come off like an uncaring dick who just wanted to get off, but now that she seemed interested, I was desperate for relief. A full night of sex in various ways was what I had in mind but anything would do at the moment.

I stripped her down to her underwear by her room and tossed her clothes in there, pocketing her cell phone in my own jeans. Then I lifted her, so our hips and lips met as we continued down the hall. She had my shirt stripped off and in her hands behind my neck by the time we reached our destination. I held onto her ass with one hand while I shoved down my jeans, kicking them aside. She dropped my shirt next to them and lifted herself for even closer contact below.

"Uhhhhahhh," I moaned/giggled as she slid my boxers out of the way as well. My dick stood proudly wedged between our stomachs as we kissed and I attempted to feel a boob. "Can we eliminate this?" I asked, my finger under a strap. She reached behind and quickly released the clasp. It fell to the floor with my clothes. "I want these gone too." My hands went to the waistband of her panties. "But I don't want to put you down." I kissed her hungrily.

She braced her feet against the wall and trusted me to hold onto her as she used both of her hands to swiftly pull them down but then we were stuck; her legs still on either side of me, the panties had nowhere to go. "Hmmm..." I lifted her higher and she held onto my neck, legs dangling, boobs in my face, while I stripped her myself. "Much better," I mumbled, taking advantage and filling my mouth.

Her legs locked behind me again and she tugged on my hair as I licked and sucked. "You're really really good at that...have I told you?" Bella murmured, sucking in a breath as I switched sides.

"I want you Bella...like, now..." I moved us awkwardly towards the bed so I could get at the nightstand. I sat on the edge and gasped when I felt her wetness against my bare skin as she sat on me. "Fuck...why did I promise to be responsible..." I chuckled as I fumbled with the drawer, digging out the box.

Bella took my face in her hands and gave me a deep kiss before climbing off. I protested briefly but didn't have time to lament the loss of contact as I felt her warm mouth where she'd just vacated.

Both hands, and her mouth worked on me until I pulled her away. "Bella!" I cried out as I came. "Honey that felt soooo good." I stroked her hair lovingly as she kissed one thigh and rubbed the other. Then her hands were on my deflating dick, reviving it. Her tongue did that special thing around the head and I was good to go again. She rolled the condom on herself before climbing back onto my lap.

"Do you need me to do anything..." I was concerned she wasn't ready yet but I quickly discovered I was wrong. In one swift movement, she perched over me, kissed me and guided me inside her warmth. Moments later, she'd taken it all in and was thoroughly enjoying herself. Her orgasm came fast and hard and I didn't let up as she came out of it, working her towards another.

She was clinging desperately to me, moaning and kind of fidgety. "Do you need a break?" I whispered as I kissed her throat.

"No!" she panted. "Can we switch though?"

I stood with her still attached to me, pausing briefly to revel in this new sensation. My hands dug greedily into her ass cheeks as I pumped into her. Then I lifted her off with a groan before carefully lying her out on her back. She held her arms up to me and I lowered my head for a kiss as I parted her legs with mine. "Fuck Cullen...put it back in," she moaned, lifting her hips for me. We both moaned as I complied and we came together this time.

"Holy shit that was good." Bella was glistening with sweat and breathing heavy as I pulled out. I braced myself above her to steal a kiss before collapsing beside her.

"Fucking amazing," I concurred. I closed my eyes and tried to steady my breathing.

"I don't think I can walk back to my room. I don't think I can walk, period," Bella giggled.

I rolled onto my side and stroked her cheek. "Did I hurt you?" I asked softly.

She smiled before kissing me. "In a very good way Cullen. The best way." She kissed me again, seeming hungry still. "God, I could seriously get addicted to this. I already can't live without you, but you and your dick? Fuck! I can't get enough," she giggled.

"Me and my dick need a few minutes," I grinned. "And a pee. Want anything while I'm up?"

"I could use a drink," she smiled and then sighed. "I think I have to pee too."

We left my room together, half-dressed. I'd thrown on a pair of shorts and given Bella a t-shirt. I wanted to be a gentlemen and let her go first, but my bladder insisted otherwise. I heard muted voices as I leaned against the wall beside the toilet, the steady flow not seeming to be near an end.

"Edward!" Bella's voice called from the other side of the door. It had some urgency in it.

"Almost done honey. Just a sec."

She didn't wait, the door cracked open while I was washing up. "We need you. Jaz is passed out. Can you help?"

"Where is he?" I brushed past Bella towards Rose. "What happened?"

"Outside. I can't get him up Edward." Rose was frightened. And worried - very worried. I took her hand as we ran outside, Bella right behind us. It appeared he had tried to come up the front steps. He was collapsed, face-down on them.

"Did he hit his head?" I asked Rose as I felt for his pulse. He was clammy and his heart rate was slow.

She shook her head. "He kinda fell in stages. I thought he was kidding around. But then, I couldn't wake him...Edward, is he okay?"

"Can you help me move him? We should get his feet elevated." I carefully turned him over and grabbed him under the arms. The girls each took a leg.

"Put him on my bed," Bella suggested when we got him inside. "It's closest."

With Jasper layed out, I worked quickly to remove his constrictive clothing; shoes, jeans, and stuck pillows under his feet to get the blood flowing back into his head. "I need a cold cloth," I said as I lifted his lids to examine his eyes.

"Should we call an ambulance?" Rose asked, voice quivering.

"He looks okay Rosie. His pulse is stronger, his pupils are responsive. What's this from? What did he take?"

"I didn't see him take anything. I only saw him drinking..."

"Here." Bella rushed to my side, cold wet cloth in hand as well as a bowl of ice and some towels. I placed the cloth on Jasper's forehead, monitoring his pulse. It was picking up.

"Jaz! Jasper, buddy...come on..." I spoke to him as he seemed to be coming around. "You with me Jaz? Come on...you don't want my dad coming over do you?" His eyelids fluttered. "He'll tear a strip off your ass. He told you that last time. Wake up buddy. Wake up." His eyes fluttered wildly and his pulse raced as his breathing accelerated. "Uh...someone might want to grab a bucket or something...quick!" I advised as I worked quickly to roll him onto his side near the edge of the bed. Bella dumped the papers out of her trash can and passed it over. "Go," I whispered to her as I felt the first heave begin. I knew she hated being around this. I also knew I had to focus on Jasper, I couldn't be worried about Bella at the same time.

I waited for him to finish, wiping his face and drying off the sweat that was now making him shiver violently. "Rose, can you get a blanket?" I called out.

"There's extra in my closet," Bella told her.

"We'll need more pillows too." I wrapped my shivering friend and gave him a small ice chip to suck on. I spoke quietly to him the whole time I checked his heart rate and pupil response. "You with me Jaz? I'm gonna sit you up a bit so you can drink, okay? Let me know if you need to throw up. Jaz?" I tapped the back of his hand as his eye began to close. "Stay with me."

"Wanna sleep," he mumbled.

"I know buddy, but that ain't happening. Have another ice chip." I slipped it in his mouth and held his head up so it would melt in there and not slide down his throat. "Awake? You with me?"

"Yeahyeahyeah. Fuckoff'n let me sleep..."

I chuckled as I piled the pillows Rose brought to me under him. "No sleeping for awhile yet, my friend. We're in for a long night."

"Is he okay?" Rose whispered to me.

"Hmph. He will be. Not tonight though. Can you sit with him for a minute? I need to get some stuff." I stood up to switch spots with Rosalie.

Bella was waiting in the hall, nervously chewing on her nails. "Edward..." She flung her arms around me and clung tightly.

"Shhh. It's okay." I stroked her back and kissed the top of her head. "He'll be alright. I have to stay with him. You can sleep in my room okay? Come on." I took her hand and led her down the hall. I pulled on a shirt and straightened out the bedding for her before taking Bella in my arms. "I'm sorry. I want to spend the night with you...but I can't leave him."

She shook her head. "Of course. You need to be with him. I'm sorry I can't help..."

"Shhh. It's fine honey. I understand. We'll be fine. Get some sleep okay?" I kissed her softly. "I love you."

"God Cullen, you have no idea how much I love you back. Go take care of Jasper."

"Edward!" Rose beckoned urgently.

"Go!" Bella gave me a gentle shove. "Love you."

It was a helluva long night trying to keep Jasper lucid enough to go the fluids he needed. My back ached, hauling him back and forth to the bathroom. Rose stayed with us as well, dozing off a couple of times briefly, but wide awake as soon as Jaz was sick or needed the bathroom. The sun was about to rise when I determined he'd be okay to get some sleep. He had stopped vomiting and wasn't shivering anymore. I helped Rosalie get him downstairs and fully undressed to get into their bed. We propped him up and I left a bucket by his side, just in case.

"Thank you." Rose hugged me outside their room. A tear rolled down her cheek. "We couldn't have gotten through tonight without you. I'm sorry we ruined your night with Bella. Again."

"It's okay," I replied soothingly. "You know I'll always be there for you. There's nothing I wouldn't do..."

She sniffed back a sob loudly. "I love you, you know?"

"I know baby. I know. Get some sleep okay? If you need me, just holler. Or call my cell, I'll keep it on. I can crash here on the couch if you'd feel better."

"You need to sleep more than any of us. Go to bed. I'll handle it from here. Get some sleep Edward." She squeezed me tight before climbing in bed next to Jaz. He was already snoring, sitting up.

I did a quick clean-up in Bella's room. Emptied her trash can and washed it out. Stripped the bed and opened up the window to air it out. And then I crawled into my bed next to her, exhausted. Jasper, Jasper...why did you do this buddy? I thought of the other time when I'd had to call my dad for help. We were still in highschool then. I'd had no idea he'd been drinking before we went to a party, where he consumed much more. Carlisle had taken him, himself, to emergency when I called. He spent a day on IV fluids to flush it out. And Carlisle moved him out of his abusive home that same day. I'd known that his mom was drinking heavily, but we didn't know she'd picked up where his dad had left off with the abuse. Not only her, but her crackhead boyfriend.

What triggered you this time Jaz? I fell into a troubled sleep, deeply concerned for him.


	56. Chapter 56

**Chapter 56**

I was thankful to be woken the following day with the sun glaring in my eyes. The few hours of sleep I'd gotten were riddled with fucked-up dreams. I hadn't been writing enough lately. I promised myself I'd get back to jotting things down to clear my head before I slept as I used to do.

I rolled over to block the sun from my eyes and realized I was alone. I heard voices and focused on them; it sounded like they were outside. Bella and Rose. Then a third voice...Ellie? I got up and went to my window to peer out. Sure enough, I'd gotten all three voices right. I ran for a quick shower to wash Jasper's sick smell off me in case I was needed for more damage control.

When I got back to my room to dress, it was only Bella and Ellie outside, talking quietly. I listened in.

"Hey, it's fine." I heard Bella saying. "You know, I understand...don't worry about it."

"I know it's done and I can't take it back. I just wanted you to know I that I am sorry. I wanted you to hear it from me."

Ellie was apologizing! I continued listening.

"I also want you to know I'm sick of the shit Tanya's been handing you guys. This, that shit on Edward's birthday...I told her off and made her take down the pictures."

It was Tanya! I'd gone looking a couple of days after the big blow-out, but they'd been removed along with the link.

"That was Tanya?" Bella seemed surprised as well.

"Bitch. She sent me a message to check them out on her Facebook. I tore into her right away. That wasn't cool. I'm sorry you saw them. They were way out of context."

"Yeah," Bella said quietly.

I took a peek out the window. Ellie looked like she wanted to give Bella a hug. In the old days, that would be an Ellie thing. She's a natural mother. Bella's arms were crossed on her chest; a definite _'back off'_ stance.

"I'm on your side Bella, please believe me..."

"There shouldn't be sides...I'm with Edward. That's it. I didn't realize when we got together there was supposed to be a hearing before peers to decide our fate. We love each other. End of story."

I grinned by the upstairs window. Go Bella!

"I know. I am sorry...about everything...truly sorry."

"Hey! How is he?" Bella turned her attention to Rose when she re-joined them.

"Sleeping. He reeks." The girls giggled. "I could kill that bitch of a mother he has."

"Sam said he was pretty upset," Ellie agreed.

What? His mom? What did she have to do with this? He'd been fine during the gig...

"Anyway, I have to go or face the wrath of _my_ monster...I mean mother," Ellie smirked. "Call me later okay?" I watched her hug Rose. She gave Bella a rub on the back as she passed by her. "I hope you can forgive me," I heard her say softly.

I started to move away from the window but then Rose's voice drew me back. "Yeah, I guess you guys don't know what happened, you left after the show. Jaz's mother called like, every five minutes, leaving messages. More drunk each time..."

Shit! He'd been on the phone when I left. I should've stayed...

"She was laying out some guilt trip on how she needed money or she'd lose her job. Like we have extra money, right? He told her we didn't have anything now, maybe in a couple of weeks he could help out. The bitch went mental, screaming at him about how he owed her and he was ruining his life just like his useless father. Fucking sweetheart, she is. Arg! Honestly, if I could deal with prison, I would murder her. She's almost worse than his dad."

I sat there by the window, stunned. Not only by the latest news of Jasper's lovely kin, but also by how Rose was discussing it with Bella. This would be the first time she ever heard about Jaz's shitful family. She knew he had had a rough time, but not the details Rose was giving.

"I...wow. I had no idea..." Bella stammered as Rose's head swung around to face her.

"Edward didn't tell you about all that shit with Jaz?"

Bella shook her head. "Edward keeps his confidences."

I smiled at her acknowledgement that I was completely trust-worthy. If anything, I was confident that I was that. Silently berating myself for eavesdropping, I pulled up a chair by the window.

"Shit. That means he hasn't told you anything about me either? Why I'm a super possessive bitch?"

Bella chuckled and shook her head. Would Rosalie confide in her?

She took a seat next to Bella on the edge of the deck. Sighing, she buried her face in her hands. "Wow. I feel like the biggest bitch now... If I were you I'd think I was the worst whore in existence. You honestly don't know about our ties to Edward? To all the Cullens?"

Bella shook her head again. She'd drawn her knees up under her chin and was chewing away on her lip. I wanted to hug her. And Rosalie. Instead, I listened on like a dick.

Rose leaned back on her arms, legs stretched out. "Well kid, you're one of us now. I guess it's time you know the real us." She chuckled as she prepared to let down her tough facade. I wondered how much she'd reveal of herself.

"We used to be neighbours. My family lived in the house behind the Cullens. They put in a gate, between the yards so my sister and I, and Edward and Emmett could go back and forth to play. My sister had the biggest crush on Em, even though he was younger. She'd never admit it, but it was so obvious. Anyway, Edward inherited me as her tag-along. He didn't care for that much, but he's polite to a fault and put up with me."

"You just have the one sister?"

"Um, I have a mixed family. Second marriage for both. My mom brought my sister into the marriage, my dad brought my brother so I have two halves. I'm the only product of both of them and to be honest, I milked it. I was spoiled rotten. Plus, having older siblings, I worked them too. It was pretty good for awhile."

Rose paused, staring out at nothing but her memories. I watched Bella shift her body so she didn't have her back to Rose. "For awhile? But something happened."

Rosalie nodded, half of a smirk on her face. "Oh yeah. My dad was a big-time stock broker. I'm talking serious money."

"He took a hit?"

"Not exactly. He took up being a crook and got caught. I never understood the scam he was running; didn't care. All I knew was that suddenly my whole life changed. One day I'm daddy's little princess who had everything - literally. Looks, wealth...I had a friggin' horse for chrissake!"

Both girls paused to laugh and I smiled upstairs in my room as well. Princess Rosalie. Royal pain in the ass.

"All my parents' assets were frozen immediately, they had access to nothing. It all happened so quickly. We lost the house, the cars, the cottage, the horse..." Rose grinned sadly. "Mom, my sister and I moved into a tiny apartment over a restaurant where my mom took a job for the first time since before I was born. Daddy went to prison."

"My god Rose!" Bella's hand flew to her mouth. "How old were you?"

Smiling sardonically, Rose looked directly at Bella. "He was sentenced on my 10th birthday. No party for me. No zoo. The only gift I got came from the Cullens. I stayed with them that day. Esme picked me up after school with the boys. I had no idea the ruling was that day. They had a dinner for me, complete with a birthday cake and gifts. She asked if I'd like to stay for the weekend and have a girls' day shopping. We've done that every year since," Rose choked on a sob. "Esme. My dream mom."

"She's wonderful," Bella agreed.

"My own mom changed at that point. She couldn't handle the new lifestyle and the ridicule that comes with being associated with a criminal. She focused on keeping up her own appearances, ignoring what my sister and I were dealing with at the time."

"I've never had wealth to lose, but any drastic life change is difficult. You need your family's support."

Rose nodded. "But I did have the Cullens. My unspoken guardians. My heroes."

I leaned my head against the glass as I looked out, remembering the talk our parents had with me and Emmett. _"Caroline is older, stronger, but Rosalie is vulnerable. She'll need a lot of help to get through this. You boys remember that. Watch out for her. Treat her like you would if she were your own sister."_

I'd learned the meaning of vulnerability that year. The tough little girl I'd been forced to play with the past six years - the girl who'd sat on me and pulled my hair, who'd gloat and boast anytime she did better on a test, who'd tickle me mercilessly until I gave into whatever she wanted, was gone. Replaced with a beautiful, sad shell of a very sensitive girl. Lost. She sat two desks over from me and I often found myself staring when she'd zone out, lost in her thoughts.

"Kids are so mean at that age." Bella's voice pulled me back to their conversation.

"People can be mean, period. I was bussed to and from school after we moved, so I could stay with my friends. Except my friends were all warned to stay clear. I came from a bad family...I was tainted. Trouble. The teasing started. I hated the line for the bus because everyone would step away when I arrived, heads bent, whispering and laughing at my expense. After the first week, I began waiting until the last minute to run out and take my seat, alone, behind the driver. One day, I went to use the bathroom before I left and I heard some kids talking about me. My friends were laughing with the other girls, not defending me. I hid in the stall and missed my bus. I was terrified because I had no clue how to get home on my own and I didn't want to run into any of the girls. Edward found me crying behind the school."

"He took you home," Bella said softly.

"Edward became my only friend. He didn't care what the other kids thought, he stayed exactly the same as we'd always been. Only...more. He didn't stop doing his normal stuff with the other kids, but he always took time to interact with me. When no one would sit with me on school trips, he'd fill the seat. Project partners? Me and Edward. I loved when he was with me at school because he was the only kid at school to defend me when someone was mean. He'd give the gossip girls shit for spreading lies. And he got beat up so many times defending my honour...Edward _really_ can't fight..."

They giggled together again. "I know," Bella told her.

"But it never stopped him. He knew he'd get hurt but he always, _always,_came to my defence. It only stopped when Emmett began meeting us after school. He was in highschool by then and he was huge compared to the kids who'd pick on me and beat up Edward. Intimidation is a great tool. He taught me that."

He taught her that very well, I smiled to myself.

"Yeah, you're definitely the most intimidating person I've ever met," Bella smiled as she admitted her thoughts to Rose.

"Aw! Thanks baby!" Rosalie smiled back and rubbed Bella's arm. She was proud of the durability she'd discovered as she rebuilt her pride during those years. Em and I had backed her early on, no one fucked with Rosie. But she soon developed her own way of ensuring that and it was much more effective.

"Bella...I hope you see now why I cling. Why I try to claim what's mine. I had everything. I lost everything. Except the Cullens. They're the only constant security I've had since I was a kid. Edward especially. He's more like a brother to me than my own."

"Why didn't your brother stand up for you?"

"He's much older. He was in college. My sister was in highschool. They kinda went their own ways. I don't...they're not part of my life."

I held my breath, wondering how much Rose would divulge.

"Caroline ran. Got into a lot of trouble and started a whole new life for herself. My brother...he's in jail too." She snickered at the state of her family. "I guess the kids were right. I do come from a bad family. But the Cullens believed in me and that kept me straight and determined to be better. The spoiled brat in me is what keeps me possessive of Edward. Like, he's _my_ friend. He's my protector and defender and the brother I _chose_." I saw her smirk appear again as she played with her hair. "I hated Jaz when they became friends."

Bella laughed easily, like she would talking with Alice. "No! Even Jasper?"

Rose nodded, laughing herself. "He was _such _a geek. He moved to our school halfway through grade 6. A total loner. A total loser! He was a mess. Wore the same clothes day after day. His shoes had holes. I looked at him and saw what I could become...visibly poor. He didn't care about his appearance though. And he ignored the rude comments and snickers. He did his own thing and Edward was drawn to him. By 7th grade, they were best friends. It annoyed the shit out of me. They seemed total opposites; not only different backgrounds, but Edward has always been modest, shy...gracious. Jasper was smug, cocky and he spoke his mind. Always. We fought constantly!"

I smiled in my room as she recalled some of their more amusing battles. I decided to run down and check on Jasper, assuming there wouldn't be another argument between the girls for at least today.

He was coming out of the bathroom when I went down, looking pale and tired. "You're alive," I commented.

"If we're calling it that."

I smirked at his sarcasm. "Keeping water down still?"

"Yeah. I've been pissing myself all night thank you." Regardless of his grumbling, he knew he needed it. He opened another bottle and took a long drink. "Got the shits now that I've stopped puking. It's so glamorous being a rock star."

I stared at him, eyebrow arched, arms folded on my chest. "That was pretty stupid last night. Dude, you scared the shit out of us."

"I know...sorry." Jasper avoided eye contact. "Thanks though. For staying with me and taking care of me..."

"Of course," I replied.

"And for not calling Pops."

"Next time you won't be so lucky."

"Won't be a next time dude. This one scared the shit out of me too."

"Good. You're better than your parents man. You don't have to follow their lead."

He nodded, quickly lowering his head. That meant he wasn't ready to talk about it more.

"Need anything? Think you could eat?"

"I need sleep more at this point. I'd just shit the food out anyway. But thanks." He slapped my arm as he passed by. "For everything."

Satisfied he'd be okay, I returned to my room to check on the girls. Rose had gotten to highschool in her stories.

"Jaz thought I was totally into Edward. He can be really blind. But hormones do stupid things that make us do stupid things and it was the summer before 11th grade before we realized the arguments were a result of pent up frustration and admitted we were into each other. I was crazy about him. He's the only guy who can handle me...put up with my moodiness and demands. And understand my possessiveness. And understand that I love Edward in a way I could never love anyone else. He understands because he loves him exactly the same. What Edward and the Cullens did for me is nothing compared to how they saved my Jasper."

Rose wiped away the tears that rolled down her cheeks. Bella chewed on her lip and reached for Rosalie's hand. Feeling like a total ass for listening in, and watching I still couldn't tear myself away.

* * *

_A/N ~ Can we get a little love going for Rosalie now? She loves what she loves and takes care of herself, no excuses. The inner bitch in me adores that. ;-) ~ SR_


	57. Chapter 57

**Chapter 57**

"Jasper's dad abused him as a child. Badly. It wasn't simply abuse, it was torture. The man should be hung by his balls for the things he did to him. Jaz wears the scars but he's so strong..." Rose stopped as sobs overtook her.

Bella reached out and held her in comfort. "You don't have to talk about it."

"I do. You need to know." Rose pulled back slightly. With a sad smile, she stroked Bella's hair. "This is why I've been so horrible to you. Why I would do anything to protect my guys. We all come with baggage but we own it. And we know one thing in life is real and certain and that is the friendship the three of us share." Rose closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"We went to a New Year's Eve party, 12th grade. Me and Jaz, Edward and this flake he was sorta seeing. Jaz had been in a strange mood for days. Unusually quiet and easily agitated. We were all drinking, but Jaz went nuts with it. He got slobbery drunk right off the bat and ended up telling me how his mom had been on his case all week about buying his guitar with the money he'd saved instead of giving it to her. He gave the bitch money all the time. He worked his ass off to save enough...ugh! It still pisses me off! Anyway, she told him he'd better focus on getting a full-time job for year end because university wasn't gonna happen. And if he didn't come up with half the rent money beginning then, she'd start selling his things."

"Beginning with his guitar..." Bella said quietly. She was comprehending the meaning of Jasper giving it to me as a gift now.

"He got angry and started arguing back. Told her he'd leave. The boyfriend gets into then. A real winner this guy...he felt me up at Christmas. I didn't tell Jaz 'cause he would've lost it and this guy was erratic to begin with, but he was on a meth kick over the holidays and it made him worse. I was scared for Jasper. Anyway, he beat the shit out of Jaz the day before New Year's, after his mother shattered his dreams for a future and demanded payment for the sham of caregiving she claimed to give him. He was in bad shape, emotionally even more than physically. She had a way of making him believe he was at fault for her being a shitty parent. He drank more to chase away the blubbering he hated doing. He was falling down drunk when I went for Edward's help."

"Another night like last night?" Bella asked, assuming that was habitual.

"Worse. We were dragging him up the street, he couldn't even walk at that point. We'd all been drinking so it wasn't easy. Edward's girlfriend bailed on us when Jaz started throwing up. Didn't even go for help, just left. Jasper was in bad shape. He couldn't stop vomiting. He was choking and crying. It was so horrible. I wanted to get Em to come help us. Edward called his dad instead. If he hadn't..."

I couldn't listen to that part. The was the most frightening night of my life, seeing my dad aspirate Jasper's lifeless body on someone's front lawn. He resuscitated him twice before we got to the hospital. God...how could somebody make their own child feel so worthless? He definitely would have been better off if they'd given him up for adoption. Then again, it's our experiences that shape us. He wouldn't be the guy I know I'd he had a different life. Or would he? Had his strength and determination come from his genes or out of the abuse? How different would I be if I'd been raised by Edward? Or if Elizabeth had stayed with James? All this thinking brought the night's dreams back to my mind. I shuddered involuntarily and turned my attention back to the window.

"You're lucky to have each other," Bella was saying. "Now I see why everyone formed a protective ring around Edward."

The girls chuckled, heads bent close together. "He's so very special to us. But you're the most special thing to him. That makes you one of us baby. Whether you like it or not...we're in this as four now. I'm sorry but you'll just have to put up with my bitchiness." Rose nudged Bella with a smirk.

"And you'll have to put up with my over-reacting," Bella smirked back. "I can be bitchy too."

"I noticed! No one has ever ripped into me like that. Ever." I held my breath waiting to see if Rose would let her have it now. "You're a pretty cool chick Bella. I'm glad you're Edward's first love. I was dreading the day he finally fell in love; when someone would become more important to him. Yeah, it wasn't entirely about protecting Edward. I'm really a jealous bitch," she smirked. "I didn't expect it to be like this. You fit. Y'know?"

They embraced. Not stiffly. Not forced in any way. A genuine exchange of understanding and possibly even affection. I felt a lump forming in my throat. Was this the turning point? Rosalie talked about the incarceration of her father and the loss she'd experienced along with that but she had glazed over the rest. It was a huge breakthrough though. And seeing Bella open up to new people lately made my heart swell. They were both very cool chicks. And they deserved lunch, I thought, smiling to myself.

* * *

I carried out a tray with sandwiches and cranberry juice for the three of us. I stopped in my tracks as I saw the state they were in. They were covered in dirt. They burst into laughter at my expression and came to join me.

"You're looking a little too clean to eat with us Edward," Rosalie taunted as she made a grab for me.

"No no no no! Stay back! I'll go get some wet wipes so you can clean up."

"He's definitely too clean." Bella leaned against Rose as they examined me.

"No! Keep your distance!" I warned, starting my retreat just a bit too late. They both lunged and I was helpless. And completely filthy in seconds.

"Jesus. You two smell like wet dogs. What the hell were you doing anyway?" I gave up trying to brush the dirt off and sat down with them to eat. "God knows what we're ingesting," I complained, examining my filthy hand holding the sandwich.

"It's garden soil Edward. It won't kill you." Rose flicked a tomato slice at me. "God you can be so prissy."

"I prefer the term sanitary thank you." I tossed the tomato back.

"Ellie brought some plants over for us," Bella advised me. Ah. That had been something I'd missed while eavesdropping.

"Have you seen Jaz?" Rose asked, distracted.

I nodded as I sipped on some juice. "I took him down some apple juice and rice. He's got the shits."

"I know. That started early this morning. Should he still be..."

I snorted, shoving the remains of my sandwich aside. "If that's his biggest problem today, he got off easy." I didn't try to disguise my anger. "What the hell happened Rose?" I didn't bother trying to be discreet, or seeming like I wasn't aware that Bella was now informed.

"What else?" she sneered. "His mom. She left him a bunch of messages during the gig. He called her back..."

"First mistake," I said as Rose did.

"Okay, so apparently the dumb bitch ripped off one of her clients. She cleans people's houses," she said aside to Bella. "They agreed not to involve the police if she gave the money back. Problem is, it's already been blown."

"Up her nose?"

"Or whatever dude she's fucking these days. Whatever. Who cares. She wants Jaz to give it to her."

"How much?" I asked, leaning back in my chair.

"Like, a thousand or something. Where the hell would Jaz get that kind of money?"

"I can get it for him..."

"I have some saved too. He's welcome to it," Bella offered.

Rose laughed as she wiped away a tear. "Shit...you guys..."

"Does he want to help her?" I asked. "If he does, we'll help him. I'm just concerned that it's opening a whole world of problems for him. She got to him this easily? He hasn't heard from her since...shit, it's been like, a year? More?"

Rose nodded. "I was hoping she was gone, to be honest."

"We can't keep repeating last night. I feel like a hypocrite tearing into him 'cause I've had many of those recently."

"It's different with him Edward. He takes it further. Like he gives up caring whether he lives or..."

"So I shouldn't give him the money?" I cut her off before she could voice my worst concern entirely.

"Ask him. Don't go easy on him though Edward. He respects you. He listens to you."

"I'll involve Carlisle if I have to," I told her.

She came around and hugged me. "That is why you're the best friend he'll ever have and why he doesn't need any of his useless family. Make him see that Edward. Please?"

I nodded as I returned her hug. I stared at Bella as I did. She gave me an _'I understand'_ smile. "You should go check on him. Make sure he kept the rice down. If he's still having problems by this evening, he'll need intravenous."

"Thank you." Rose kissed the top of my head and ruffled my hair. "You kinda smell like a dog now too."

"Wonder why?" I grinned. I waited until Rose was inside to turn my attention on Bella. "Interesting night huh?"

"Interesting day as well. Rosalie told me the backstory."

"I know. I kinda heard some," I confessed. "Sorry for listening."

Bella smiled as she took my hand. "You already know it, silly. I understand all of you so much better, just from knowing the shit you've been through together. I had no idea. They're so strong and they're generally happy. I'm in awe."

"Come here." I pulled her over to sit on my lap, holding her close as I kissed her. "You're just as amazing. I'm surrounded by strong-willed, determined individuals and I, myself, fold under the slightest fissure."

"Not true Cullen." She held my face as she kissed me; tenderly and passionately at the same time. "You never see how amazing you are. But you are. Own it." She winked at me before brushing my hair away from my face. "Rose also told me I'm your first love."

"True."

"You're my true love Cullen. Is that more substantial?"

I gave her a crooked grin, lazily tracing my fingers through the dirt up her arm. "I can still top that, because you're both of those to me. I'm sorry we were interrupted again last night. It seems to be a habit."

"I know!" Bella giggled. "I wasn't done with you either."

I arched a brow. "Really? What did you have planned for me?"

"Oh, I dunno...I wanted another ride, definitely." Bella spoke into my ear seductively. I poked her leg in response.

"Mmm. I seem to be agreeable to that."

"I noticed."

I grinned with delectation. "We're dirty."

"Dirty can be good."

"You like dirty?" I stroked her bare thigh.

"Occasional dirtiness." She reached below and rubbed me through my shorts.

"Fuck me..."

"Race you!" She kissed me quickly and tore off for the house.

"Not here," I urged her further down the hall when she stopped in front of her room. "It reeks in there. I have to do some cleaning for you. You can have mine until then."

"I don't mind sharing," she grinned as she stripped me. "Wow you're dirty. You've got dirt lines instead of tan lines."

Feeling self-conscious standing there naked in full daylight, I pulled her down on the bed with me. "We're gonna have to wash all the bedding. Might as well make it worth the trip to the all-night laundrymat."

I stripped her down while kissing her. She was reaching for a condom before I even thought of it.

"Wow, you really weren't done were you?" I teased as she dressed me and climbed on. "Jesus!" I gasped as she slammed right down and got into it without delay. She had taken me so off-guard, I came faster than I had been. "Fuck! Sorry. Can you wait a minute or I can..." I ran my mouth along her neck, licking and nibbling to give her the gist of what I had in mind.

"I'll wait. I'm really dirty," she giggled as she reluctantly climbed off, but not before taking advantage of the last moments of my erection. A loud suction noise sounded when she lifted off, cracking us up. "I'm uncorked!"

"God I do love you," I emoted as I stroked her hair. She sat on my belly for her time out, after removing the filled condom and wiping me down. "I've never done it in the daytime before. Not like this...full light. I love watching you."

She blushed at my admission and started to lower herself to lay beside me.

"No! Honey stay right there. You look so beautiful the way the light's on you. You actually glow. And the shadows..." I ran my fingers along the underside of her left breast. "Lovely. Perfect."

"God Cullen..." she moaned as she squirmed on my belly.

I chuckled thinking of all the times I'd gotten her off without the aid of my penis, squirming on me like this. It didn't see the amusement of it at all and fought to revive itself. I gave it a few strokes to encourage it's effort. "Won't be long," I promised her. "More of the same?"

"Mmmm..." She had her eyes closed as she rubbed against me. Her hand reached back to give some encouragement of her own. "Come on..."

"One way to ensure instant hardness," I grinned as I pulled her towards me and took a perfect nipple between my teeth before a brief suckle. "Ready when you are."

* * *

_A/N ~ Poor sweet Jasper is in need now; good timing for Rose to bring Bella into their clan. Can Bella handle being a full-fledged member of this dysfunctional family? She's handling herself pretty durn good in the bedroom these days ;-) but still struggles with relationship issues. At least Wankward's reaping the benefits of that! __~ SR_


	58. Chapter 58

**Chapter 58**

"How's he doing? Did he eat?" I asked. Rose was washing up some dishes. Bella and I had spent the whole afternoon in bed and now that I was showered, I was starving, myself.

"Soup."

"Soup? Really?" I questioned politely.

She gave me a sideways look. "Was that wrong Edward? You said he needs fluids."

"He did...he does..." I tugged at my hair. "Does he still have the problem he was having earlier?"

"Not as bad, but yeah." Rose wiped her hand across her brow. "That was dumb wasn't it? He needs solids to counteract."

I put an arm around her and pulled her away from the sink. "I'll make some more rice and add some chicken. He needs some protein now too. Relax and let me handle it, okay?"

She sat at the table, head in her hands as I put water on to boil and cut up some chicken in cubes.

"You okay?" I called over softly as I added the rice to the boiled water. "Long day for you huh?"

She nodded, face still hidden. I heard a quiet sniffle sneak out. Shit. I hated trying to figure out what to do with a crying girl. Maybe it was contained to the one sniffle. "I can't do this Edward. I suck at this!"

"You did great! What are you talking about? You took care of him all night. You got help when you couldn't handle it alone. You did everything right."

She shook her head, sniffles coming more rapidly and louder. Damn. "If you weren't here..."

"Shh shh shhh. Don't go there Rosie. He's okay." I crouched down beside her chair to console her. This was going to be a bad one.

"Now! What if you weren't here? What if you're not the next time?" She turned to face me, taking hold of my hands on her lap. "What then Edward? When I'm on my own with him...I can't do it without you."

"I'm here Rosie. It's okay. I'm here."

"When you're not?"

"You call me. I'll be there."

She smiled at me sardonically. "You'll just magically appear when I need you?"

I squeezed her hands and smiled up at her. "If at all possible...you know I would."

"I know. I know...I'm so scared Edward. You always do the right thing for him. What if I screw it up? I've always had you to cover my ass. When you're gone..."

"I'm a phone call away. A text away. IM me. Send up smoke signals. Yodel!" I got a chuckle from her and I saw Bella peeking in tentatively. I gave her the nod to come in. "Rose, you're stronger than you think. You've conquered so much already. This is nothing."

"This is everything Edward. It's my Jasper..." She broke down in full sobs, clinging to me.

"Okay...shhh...it's okay baby...cry it out." I went onto my knees, figuring I'd be here awhile while she cried on my shoulder. "Bella? Could you check the pot on the stove? It should be done."

She nodded, wide-eyed and took over that end for me and took a plate downstairs for Jasper.

"You're scared for him," I said to Rose in a gentle voice. "Tell him that baby. He needs to know what he does isn't only affecting himself. Tell him you're scared."

"Will you talk to him too?"

I nodded. "Of course. But he needs to hear it from you. The last thing he'd want is to break your heart. He needs to know what this is like for you. And it's breaking mine seeing you like this."

"I'm so lost without you!"

"No no no...you're using me as a crutch Rosie. You're more than capable. I swear to you, I'd be there if you needed me, but you can handle anything. That, I know for a fact. Believe in yourself."  
I peeled her head off my shoulder and held her face. "Rosie? Believe in yourself."

"I'm sorry..."

"For what?" I furrowed my brow as I brushed hair from her face.

"For blubbering. Being needy. I made a promise to myself that I'd let you go...just a little. For Bella. This upsets her."

"Honey, she'll understand. She was here for this one."

"I told her about the other time," she confessed. "We had a long talk. I told her a lot of stuff."

I nodded. "Thank you."

"Thank me? God Edward...I know you're not a gossip but this is Bella! You kept everything to yourself. Thank _you_. That's...amazing. And stupid! I love you for your devotion, but that girl loves you. She _loves_ you dummy! Don't keep shit from her!"

I fell silent at the sudden turn around. Not only in our conversation, but in Rosalie's attitude towards Bella. "I...I didn't know you'd be okay with me telling her..."

I got a slap upside my head. "Honestly! For a genius you can be so fucking dense sometimes!"

A snicker came from the doorway as Bella returned with the empty plate. "Jaz's appetite is certainly healthy, even if his body isn't."

"I'm gonna go back down with him. Sorry for hitting you."

"That's a first!" I snapped.

"Don't get pissy Edward. Think about what I said. And the other stuff...I mean about you...about my dependency...I'm trying to loosen it. But I still need you. And in case you didn't know..." She rolled her eyes, full-on tough Rosalie once more. "I love you. _Dummy!_"

I smirked as I ducked another swipe at me. "You're slowing down. You've never missed that shot before," I mocked her. "And yeah, I guess I'm kinda fond of you too. _Troll_."

Bella snickered again, washing up the rest of the dishes. Rose went to her and kissed her cheek. "Thanks for taking that down to him."

"Hey! How come I get slapped and she gets a kiss?"

"Because she's sweet and you're an idiot." She stomped past me. "Edward? Fill in the blanks."

"Huh?"

Another eye roll. "Christ you are dense. Edward! What we just finished talking about? You being dumb? Don't be. The truth hurts baby. But only for awhile." She blew a kiss at me and winked as she left.

"Should I ask?" Bella said as I hugged her from behind.

"I'm an idiot for keeping Rosalie's secrets."

"Huh?" Bella giggled.

"Exactly. Leave that. You smell delicious. I'm taking you out!"

* * *

The events of the weekend left me tired and irritable for the start of the week. I'd forgotten about the state of our rooms when I got caught up in adoring Bella. We shouldn't have gone out. Despite my efforts to catch everything Jaz spewed, I must've missed some. Bella's room still reeked and mine was a muddy mess from our 'dirty' romp in the afternoon. And I still hadn't had a sit-down with Jasper. It gave me bad dreams all night, waking Bella repeatedly.

I bundled everything up to take to the laundry and then showered. I'd take have to take care of the bedding after work and then scrub down at least Bella's room. I liked having her next to me all night, but not when I was having nightmares. She wanted to talk about it each time. They were too muddled to discuss. I couldn't even figure them out myself. I just wanted to sleep.

Jasper came in the kitchen when I was packing my lunch. "It's alive!" he cried out, arms spread wide.

"Not funny Jaz. You could've fucking died," I snapped at him and immediately felt bad. "You're feeling better? Shits gone?" I felt his pulse to see if it was steady.

"Yeah, thanks," he said quietly as he sat at the table. "My legs feel like rubber though. I think I'll skip class today."

"You should. Eat small portions, often. Keep drinking. And get some rest. I'll call and check in on you later."

"Thanks Dad," the smartass grinned. "What're you giving me for breakfast?"

"An ass-kicking?" I offered, without humour.

"Right. That is what my dad _would_ give me. Let's try it this way...what should I be eating today _Doc_?"

"Eggs. Dry toast. Maybe some apple sauce. Stay away from dairy. Have some plain pasta for lunch. There's a bit of chicken left..."

"Shit. You've got this down." He was stunned by the serious tone I took with him.

"You should by now too."

"When the fuck did you grow up Edward? And when am I gonna?" He offered a half-smirk to mask his true feelings. He was hurting.

"I gotta go to work. We'll talk." I tossed an applesauce cup on the table as I finished eating my pear. "Get some rest Jaz." I patted his shoulder as I left the kitchen. "Bella? We walking together?" I called out to her.

"No, I'm not ready! I don't want to make you late."

"Your lunch is on the counter. See you tonight!" I gave her a kiss and grabbed the bag of laundry.

"Take the truck!" She called after me.

"Uh, no...you need it for coming home tonight. I'm fine." Like hell I was gonna risk my life to wash sheets! By the time I hauled my tired ass and the laundry to the lab, I was reconsidering my stubborness. I had zero upper body strength. Pathetic. Jane caught onto my sour mood instantly and kept the chatter to a minimum. She even handled some of the easier tutoring requests I was laden with. I took my lunch over to her table when we had a break and offered her half.

"You've been a massive help today Jane. I really appreciate it."

"My pleasure. Bad day?" She wasn't pressing for info, she was just concerned.

"It'll end eventually right?" I grinned, popping a grape in my mouth.

"You should take a nap! I'll cover you."

"I should do my laundry. It stinks!" I laughed.

She wrinkled her nose as she giggled. "I was gonna say..."

"What are you working on there? That's not part of the course."

She closed her books up quickly. "Sorry. I only work on it on break. I'll get all my work done."

"No no no! I wasn't giving you shit, I was just curious. Planning a vacation?"

She smiled shyly at me, shaking her head. "No. These are places I've spent the last several years in. I'm trying to organize them into proper order so I can start my memoirs."

"Memoirs? Seriously?" I grinned. "Aren't you a little young to have memoirs?"

"Age is just a number Edward. It's experiences that matter. That, I've had."

"You lived in all these places?" I leaned in to look at her photographs as she spread them back out. "That's awesome. Military family? Or just rich world travellers?" I teased.

"World travellers on a budget," she smiled. "These were all missions. You know, recovery operations, restoring food sources and water after storms. Rebuilding homes and schools after floods."

My jaw dropped. "Seriously? What about school?"

"Home schooled." She took a handful of my grapes as she related a few of her favourite stories. I left with a huge respect for this little waif and a feeling of total inadequacy in myself. The last charitable thing I'd done was buying cupcakes at a church bake sale.

* * *

Rosalie called me while I was at the laundrymat. She wanted to let me know she was going to Ellie's so I could be alone with Jasper to talk. Fuck! I really didn't want to deal with that...I had actually nodded off in the hard plastic chair by my dryer when she'd called. Oh well.

He was waiting for me when I got home. "Hi honey! Rough day?" He grinned and took the washing off my hands.

"Looooong," I groaned, kicking my shoes off in the hall. "Cable bill came? Great." I tossed it with the rest of the crap on the hall table.

"I made dinner, if you're interested."

"Thanks but I grabbed a slice of pizza before the laundrymat." He looked dejected when I glanced over at him. I snickered. "Sorry dear. If I'd known you were going through all this trouble for me I wouldn't have eaten at the office. Christ we sound like an old married couple."

"You ready to divorce me?"

"Not even close." I flashed him a grin. "I've gotta get this shit done, come with me?" I dragged the bag up the hall and dumped it on my bed. I kicked my chair over for Jasper to grab a seat while I sorted mine from Bella's. "Talk to me buddy."

He stretched and let out a big sigh. "How pissed are you?"

"Not pissed," I told him as I began making up my bed. "Worried. Frightened. Really fucking tired, but mostly concerned."

He nodded, turning his eyes from mine. "So my mom fucked up again. I guess she's back on the junk 'cause she stole a bunch of money from a client. This was the best paying job...and steady work...that she's had in a long time. Why screw it up?"

"Rose said she was drunk when she called you. Think it's a story?" His mother habitually lied when she was drunk or using. She was very convincing and burned him often. Though a lot less lately. No contact was a good thing in Jasper's case.

"I've been wondering that myself, but I don't think this one is. She sounded desperate."

"Could be desperate for drug money," I reminded him.

"It was a different desperation. Like, this was her last chance or something."

"You mean, her last chance to go clean? Or you're her last chance to get money?"

"Kinda both."

"You owe her nothing Jaz. Nothing."

"I know." He swung side to side in the chair, fidgety.

"So what do you want to do? Do you want to give her the money?"

"I don't know...I mean, I don't have it to give right now. But I could take some extra shifts. Maybe sell an amp or two. I have enough."

"You're not selling your stuff Jaz." I sat on my made bed, directly across from him. "If you want to give it to her, we'll get you the money. I have some saved, so does Bella. If you and Rose can't make up the rest, I can get a loan."

"No. No, absolutely not. If I'm gonna do this, it has to be on my own. I'm not involving all of you in my stupidity."

I smirked as I slapped his jittery knee. "Dude, you already did that, the other night."

"That _was_ stupid," he admitted. "I'm really sorry for all the trouble I caused. I feel stupid, believe me."

"You know, one more drink could've been the difference..."

"Y'think? I didn't think it was nearly as bad as that time. I don't remember a thing about New Year's. Total black hole. I had lucid moments the other night. I know you were with me the whole time. You muttered at me frequently," he smirked. "And you head my head when I puked. Above and beyond buddy. I owe you."

I shook my head. "You don't owe me either. You've gone out for me too. I don't help you so you'll owe me. I help you 'cause I give a shit...even more when you don't yourself." I kept talking even though he wouldn't even look at me. "I know you Jaz. You only drink that way when you've given up trying to be better than your parents. Newsflash - you are better, without even trying. Your life is worth more than that Jasper. You're worth more. I can't...god..." I bent over, my head in my hands. "Can't you see how important you are? You're vital to so many people...how would I..." I shut myself up, about to cry. It had become so easy for me and I was tired of it.

_Fuck it!_ Better to blubber at my friend than not have him. At all. "Christ Jasper! I couldn't fucking go on without you. Do you know that? _Do you?_" I screamed with all the emotion I felt. "And Rosie...you'd destroy her. I'd never be able to forgive your dumb ass if you killed yourself."

Jasper curled himself up on the chair, his face buried in his knees as his shoulders shook. Well, at least I wasn't the first to cry. "Why can't they give a shit? At least one of them..."

"You don't need them," I said quietly. "You don't need their approval, you don't need a single thing from them Jaz. You're a good kid, they don't deserve you."

"Why do they hate me then?"

I didn't say it, but I figured they didn't even care enough to hate him. I sat for an hour, listening to him. He rarely showed his internal scars. He deserved to be heard when he finally spoke up. We were done our yelling and were sitting quietly talking when the girls showed up. Rose met Bella after work and they went for coffee. Rosalie went to Jasper immediately when she saw his red eyes. Bella hung back, offering me a supportive smile.

"You got it from here Rosie? I need some air." I took Bella's hand as I quickly left the room. I headed for the door. "Walk with me?"

"Of course," she nodded, grabbing her keys from the table.

I went to the nearest tree and started kicking it while Bella locked up the house.

"What did the tree do sweetie?" Her voice was soft, cajolling, not mocking.

"I fucking _hate_ them! I've never hated anybody in my life, but..._argh!_ How the _FUCK_ can you make your own child feel like that? Why didn't they give him up? Let him go and have a decent upbringing. A chance for a sane adulthood. He's so damaged he can't see how much people love him."

"He must know you do Edward. He's got to." Bella rubbed my arm to soothe me and then hugged me. "Maybe he should get some counselling."

"Yeah. He should!" I stated the obvious. "But he can't fucking afford it! And he's too stubborn to let my parents pay for it. They've tried. Believe me. He lived with us for awhile, did Rose tell you that?"

Bella shook her head, her expression full of interest.

"After the night Carlisle saved his life...they saw the scars and the fresh bruises when he was in the hospital. They had him removed from his house that day. He was 17; not legally an adult, but old enough to agree to my parents holding his guardianship. We finished 12th grade and my parents insisted he stay and do the extra year with me while he decided what he would like to do afterwards. He has student welfare, but my parents have subsidized his tuition. He won't let them support him entirely. They're technically not his guardians at this point, but they're more parental than his have ever been. They love him. They'd have taken him in sooner if they'd known. He swore me to secrecy. I wish I'd broken his trust."

"Sweetie...you couldn't know. You were a kid! Anyway, I think you did the right thing. Trusting in you was so important. If you'd broken that, he may never have trusted anyone. Don't blame yourself."

"I don't, really. I blame those fucking _ASSHOLES!_" I screamed into the night air. It felt good.

Back at home, I sat in bed, writing in my journal while Bella got ready to join me. "Sorry I didn't get to make up your room yet." I gave her a soft kiss as she slid in next to me.

"This is better anyway," she smiled. "Can I see what you're writing?"

"Just thoughts. Not poetic at all," I smirked, but held it so she could see.

"_'There are three types of people in the world'_," she read. "_'Those with a vast capacity for love, those who love only themselves and those who hate themselves so intently, they are incapable of love.'_ What am I?"

I grinned at her. "My true love."

She slapped my chest playfully. "You know what I mean Cullen. You're definitely the first type, but what am I? I'm new to this."

"Only new to loving new people Bella. Your heart is as deep as your mind and soul. Definitely type 1." Writing my thoughts before bed was helpful. I slept soundly with Bella snuggled in against me. No dreams, good or bad. I seemed to be living them lately, during sleep, they were just annoying.


	59. Chapter 59

**Chapter 59**

Things were uneventful for the next week or so. Jasper regained his strength and usual charm. No lingering signs of distress and no further mention of his useless mother. He and Bella were hard at work on their mid-term project which, they were keeping as a surprise to me so I frequently silenced the room when I'd enter. If I were paranoid...well, it's a good thing that's not a current neurosis.

I was thinking more and more of Edward Masen. It became a habit to tuck his book in my bag each day. And unpack it at night. I was reading it very slowly, savouring the words. Picturing the imagery in my own mind, ever grateful that Esme had taken the time with me to go through her photos of them. I could visualize Elizabeth and Edward in the photos and situations he wrote about. I would take time by myself after class ended to read a bit before going home. This day, however, I decided to leave early, before I could get roped into a tutoring session. God, I hoped this was a summer thing and the neediness of the students wouldn't persist in regular term. At any rate, the day was over. I would see my beautiful Bella soon.

I hummed to myself as I walked. Enticed by a display in a bakery window, I stopped in to buy an Oreo cake for dessert tonight. No sign of rain; I thought about what we had in the freezer to barbecue.

The house was quiet. Bella's truck was parked, so unless she walked for a change, she was around somewhere. After sticking the cake in the fridge so it wouldn't melt, I went searching. Low voices led me downstairs. I called out as I descended the stairs, knowing they'd be upset with me if I ruined their secret. They were sprawled on the floor, their usual workplace and for a change, they didn't hush up and give me sly grins. It didn't appear that they'd even heard me so I took a running leap over the back of the couch, landing on a bag of Cheetos.

"Shit! Well those are toast. Hope no one wanted more."

Both of them looked at me dazed and then cracked up. I looked around the room and saw it littered with Coke cans, chocolate wrappers and empty McDonald's containers.

"Got the munchies?" I teased them. The giggles were out of control. "What the hell's the matter with you two? Are you high?" I was joking, but quickly clued in and took a closer look. "You're high!"

"It was just a tiny little one." Bella held up two fingers and tried to judge the size.

"For creative purposes," Jasper tried to say with a straight face but they both cracked up.

Un-_fucking_-believable! I knew there was no point starting anything with them at that point so I stormed off. "Holy fuck!" I grumbled as I climbed the stairs and slammed the front door behind me. I could still hear their laughter from outside. "Holy _FUCK!_"

I needed to go somewhere, anywhere, so I started walking. I wouldn't go to Rose. She'd be pissed. Or worse, she'd cry again. Sam? Didn't want to involve him. Leah! Shit, she worked with Jaz now so that was out too. I went where my legs took me. Where I always ended up; the lab. My place of solitude after hours. It was deserted, just as I'd hoped I would be.

I collapsed at my desk and dropped my head on it. My arms hung limply at my sides. What the hell would possess them to smoke up? Jasper hadn't had a drink since his overdose night. So now he would substitute? Dumb fucker! And Bella...what the fuck was she thinking? I didn't know who I was more disappointed in. "Uuuugh!" I moaned out my frustration.

The overhead light flicked on, startling me. "Jane! Jesus Christ! You scared the shit out of me. I didn't know anyone was here!"

"Sorry! I was just finishing and heard a noise out here. Did you forget something?"

I shook my head. "Nah. Figured I'd come do some research. Home is... tense right now."

"Want some help?" she offered with a smile. "Or coffee? I can go grab one for you if you're going to be working awhile."

I sat back and studied this quirky little waif. She'd stopped emulating Rosalie. That was a good thing. She was developing her own style, though her wardrobe did mirror Bella's...except Jane lacked my shirts. Maybe the home schooling had left her socially diminished. She was very young in a lot of ways. Yet...she was very interesting to talk to. "Maybe you could keep me company? If you don't have plans..."

"Sure!" She pulled up a chair at the end of my desk eagerly. "What kind of research are you doing?"

"Um...DNA."

"For your thesis?"

"Possibly. I'm quite interested, but I don't know if it's thesis-worthy."

"Do you want to be a geneticist?"

I shook my head. "No. Just something that interests me." She seemed interested in what I had in mind so I decided to spill. I hadn't mentioned it to anyone else yet, not even Bella. "I'd like to do a study on genetics versus learned behaviour."

"Whether you're designed to be a certain way or if you can control who you turn out be." Jane was very perceptive.

"Exactly," I grinned. "I'm adopted, so I kinda have this battle with why I do certain things or act a particular way, whatever..."

"You're adopted? Me too! Sort of..."

I chuckled and leaned forward, chin on my hands. "How can you be _'sort of'_ adopted?"

"Well, it's on paper only. I still have my parents."

"Okay!" I held up my hands. "I'm lost...how does that work?"

Laughing, she leaned in too. "Like I told you, I was brought up a world traveller..." She pulled a hoity face, making me smile. "My parents got really involved in some risky areas that they didn't want me around."

"So they sent you here? With your uncle," I surmised.

"Noooo...they sent me with another uncle who focuses on disaster relief rather than war zone roulette. They signed me over to him legally so it would be easier for us to move around. I've been with him since I was...12? I dunno. It's hard to judge because I didn't have school years to go by. All I know is that he taught me a very strict highschool curriculum himself, to prepare me for proper school because formal education is really important to him. Along with life education." She nodded and grinned as if this was an everyday thing.

"Wow." My expression was somewhere between amused and awed. Common with Jane, she was quite used to it. "You constantly surprise me Miss Jane. My own adoption seems quite boring now."

She giggled. "You don't know your birth parents?"

"I know who they were. I don't know them, no."

"So it would be tricky to know if a mannerism comes from them, for instance. Like, I know that I've picked up some of my uncle's quirks. My parents tease us both whenever we get together. I write the same way, for instance."

"Same hand-writing? He taught you, of course it would be the same."

"Ah, but he didn't! I was writing before he tutored me. More than our script being the same, I mean, our posture." She demonstrated her sideways lean and intent study of the paper as she wrote. "Like that. He does the same. Learned behaviour. But the same script is odd, if it's not genetic. Make sense?"

"Mmm. I see." I wracked my brain thinking of something I did like Carlisle or Esme. I stroked my chin as I stared at the ceiling. And there it was. "Ah! My dad...adoptive dad...does the same thing when he's thinking. Learned behaviour. I can probably come up with more, but I don't have a clue what DNA gave me. Except my eyes."

"You have great eyes. Very unique colour. Intense. Thoughtful."

I smirked. I somehow didn't imagine James to be thoughtful. Maybe intense, he did keep drawing Elizabeth in. "So what's your initial thought? What's more dominant; genes or outside influence?"

"Influence. Followed by genes. I guess...but things like having the same eyes doesn't automatically mean you're anything like the person they came from. Looks, 100% DNA. Personality, learned. Behaviour...hmmm. Could go either way."

Shit. That last part, I didn't want to hear. My phone rang, interrupting my thoughts. Sam, asking me to join him at the pub. Why not. Why should I be the only responsible adult in the house? I deserved some fun too. "That was Sam. Remember him?"

"Yeah. Nice guy."

"I'm gonna meet him at the pub. Care to join us?" It was more than a polite gesture, I was enjoying our conversation. And so the three of spent a few hours having some laughs and interesting conversation over dinner and a couple of pints. I didn't bring up the incident at home and Sam didn't bring up Jasper's drinking binge so I figured it was best kept with only the four who were involved.

"Hey you wouldn't have your lyric book tucked in that bag would you?" Sam asked as we waited to settle the bill. Jane had gone to the washroom. "Jaz asked me to give some thought to a riff he came up with. Would you mind me going through your book?"

"Uh...sure, but I don't have them with me..." Actually, Bella still had all of them. "Oh! But I have it on a stick! I opened my bag to dig out my keys, which I'd attached the memory stick to. Of course it was buried.

"Jesus! You carry all that around with you?" Sam chuckled at my array of items as I pulled the bag apart. "Back problems yet?"

"I've got many problems," I grumbled with a smirk. "Ah! Here it is. Don't lose it! Bella will kill me. It's her hard work there."

I was still repacking when Jane returned. "Hey! Great book!" She nodded at my copy of _'Turmoil and Paradise'_.

"Yeah, it is. Bella gave it to me. Have you read it?"

She grinned impishly. "Several times. I know the author. I used to live with him."

I swear my heart stopped. The room definitely spun and it had not a thing to do with alcohol. "Edward Masen is your uncle?"

She nodded enthusiastically. "He'll be so excited to know someone's actually reading one of his books! It's so weird that you'd pull that out of nowhere."

"Weird..." I mumbled in agreement. I couldn't string words together to speak, my thoughts were so jumbled.

"Dude...you okay?" I became aware of Sam speaking to me. "You spaced out on us. Something wrong?"

"I...uh, no...I just remembered I forgot something at the lab. Can you walk Jane home?"

"Not necessary!" she insisted.

"My pleasure," Sam bowed and held an arm out for her. "Miss Jane? May I accompany you?"

She giggled and they left me in my stupor. I somehow found my way back to the lab and then stood there like an idiot, in the dark, debating what I was about to do. I wanted to get in contact with him. This was like a sign, Jane being his niece. Alice would say it was Lady Fate guiding me once more. I should ask her...tell her my connection and then ask her.

But what if it made things weird? Maybe she had no clue about me and Elizabeth. Maybe he never spoke of us. Never thought of us. That would sting.

But I needed to know.

I snapped on the lights for the far side of the room and went to Jane's desk. I looked casually at the things she'd left on top. And then pulled open the top drawer. I took a peek without disturbing anything. I didn't see what I was after anyway. Sighing, I flopped down on her chair and raked my hands through my hair.

"Should I do this? I shouldn't. It's an invasion of privacy." I drummed my fingers on her desk. "I should call her and ask." I looked over my shoulder and then out the window before quickly snapping on her computer. "Jesus Cullen, you're really sinking low."

As soon as it was booted up, I went to her email. I had access because it was the school's account and technically, I had every right to open her mail. But I wasn't looking for school business. I scrolled through her inbox. She needed to tidy it up, I smirked to myself. But anything of use to me? Nothing. Outbox? Nope. Contacts! No. Nothing there either. "Cullen, you desecrated her space for absolutely nothing. Sorry Jane."

I was about to log off when I realized I'd wasted a whole lot of time. There was an easier way. I hit 'search' and typed in Edward. 52 results. All to me. Dammit! I added Masen to the search. How simple. There it was. In a hidden folder, smart girl. I didn't disgrace myself further by reading her personal message, I just jotted down what I'd come looking for. A way to contact him. I had an email address...for my dad. Sort of.

When I added the address into my contact list on my phone, I saw I had a bunch of messages. Six from Bella, one from Jasper and two from Rose. God, I was actually looking forward to being alone next year. Less drama. Less stress.

Less love and support. I was berating myself for thinking such selfish things after all the shit they'd stood by me for over the past months when my phone rang again. Bella. Calling, not texting. I picked up.

"Hey."

"Edward! Where've you been? I've been worried..." Her high had ended. Now she was desperate to fix things.

"Out with friends. It was noisy. Didn't hear my phone. I actually just got all my messages."

"Friends? Oh. Okay."

I felt like letting her stew over my vagueness, but I folded. "Sam and Jane and me."

"Oh." She hesitated. "Um, are you coming home soon?"

"Open the front door, you'll see me." I had just rounded the corner of our street. I saw the door swing open and Bella came running down the driveway, barefooted.

"I'm sorry!" She flung her arms around me. "You scared me when you didn't pick up."

"You're going to cut up your feet," I stated, not hugging her back.

She released me and bit on her lip. "You're still mad."

"First clue?" I snapped.

"Okay, I know it was kinda dumb...we hit a block, figured we were overthinking so we decided to chill..."

I held my hand up as we reached the door. "Save it. It was what it was. You know it was stupid. You know why I'm pissed. And yeah, I still am but I will get over it. I don't want to get into it now."

"I'm not high..."

"I know. I just don't feel like talking. I feel like being alone. Did you eat?" I tossed my keys on the table and kicked my shoes into the closet.

"Not hungry. I can get you something though!" I saw her looking at my keys, noticing the absence of her gift.

"I ate already. See you tomorrow. 'Night." I closed my door as she stood by the kitchen, still staring at the keys.


	60. Chapter 60

**Chapter 60**

I paced my room, fretting over what a horrible person I was. I invaded Jane's privacy. I snubbed Bella. Didn't even acknowledge Jasper and Rosalie. Some friend...

Edward couldn't have told Jane about me, she'd have said something if she knew my name. How many Edward Cullens could there be? No, he mustn't talk about me. Would he want to hear from me? _Selfish!_ Only thinking of myself...

Maybe I could write as a fan! Tell him how I've enjoyed his book, then when he saw my name, it would be up to him if he chose to reply. No. That's deceitful.

I should ask Bella what she thinks I should do. _Bella..._I'm so sorry I was abrupt with you baby. I just need time to myself sometimes. Time to beat my head against a frigging wall! God Cullen, _chill!_ You're making yourself insane.

Insane... Elizabeth... Edward.

_Argh! What should I do????_

No one answered. Not even Jack. Asshole; deserting me in my time of need.

"Oh stop it!" I said aloud. "This is serious fucking insanity dude. Pick _ONE_ thought and deal with it!"

I went with the first one. Edward. What would I say to him if I were to get in touch? Grabbing my journal and pen, I sat on my bed, resting my head against the cool wall behind me while I contemplated.

_'Dear Edward:_  
_You don't know me, but you used to.'_

That's stupid. Scrap that.

_'Dear Edward:_  
_Remember the son you had for 5 months...that's me!'_

Beyond stupid. Cruel. Realizing I had no idea how to go about this because I had no idea how he felt, I tried to put myself in his place. Would I want to hear from a grown child I'd given up out of love? Would it bring back the hurt? Would it heal the old wounds? I decided that I would. I would definitely want to know how the child turned out. I started over.

_'Edward,_  
_I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I'd say to you if I had the opportunity. I have 22 years of things to talk about and yet I can only think of questions I'd like to ask you._

_First and foremost, is this an intrusion? I would very much like to know you but if you feel otherwise, I will understand entirely. _

_In case this is my only shot, I would like to say thank you. I've had a wonderful life thus far, and it doesn't look to be too horrible a future either. I'm not looking for anything from you. I have money, a job, a home. Friends and school and of course, my family. I just needed to reach out, as you did for me so many years ago._

_Please, please don't feel obligated to write back or get know each other in any way. Only do so if it's something you're interested in as well._

_With deepest respect,_  
_Edward Cullen'_

Did it seem pushy? Gushy? Sincere enough? Too sincere? Desperate? I needed input, an impartial eye because I was teetering on the edge of insanity and I couldn't judge.

_Bella._ Rosalie had given me proper shit for keeping things from Bella. This would be one of those things a couple would share. I took a deep breath and left my room. I could see her door closed as I headed up the hall. It was still early, she shouldn't be sleeping.

I knocked softly. In seconds, the door opened and there stood my shining star. She'd had a shower and her hair was still wet, her skin misty. The soft light in her room with the night sky behind her made her glow. I longed to hug her close. Keep her close. "Bella..."

"Come in," she said softly as she took my hand. Her eyes were puffy, like she'd been crying. I traced my finger along the top of one cheek. She held my hand to her face and then kissed it. "I'm so sorry."

"I know that." I spoke as quietly as she had. "I'm sorry for being so abrupt earlier. I... " I started feeling selfish again. I'd upset her. Bella. The girl I desperately loved. And I was about to brush her feelings off again to delve into my identity crisis. "I love you."

She smiled, melting me from the inside out. How could three words hold so much influence? "Do you want to talk about this..."

"Not really," I said truthfully.

"Good! Neither do I!" She wrapped her arms around my neck and stood on her toes to kiss me. I had the mirror behind her supplying me with a very pleasant view of the tiny white panties she liked wearing most to sleep in. Okay...all was right in my world for the moment. I lost myself in her kiss before carrying her to her bed.

It was a different kind of sex again. Desperation and understanding mixed. And more vocal than normal for us. I liked the dirty talk as foreplay but when we got down to it, I was a man of action not words. This time there was an abundance of moans and _'ahhhh fuck!_'s. From both of us. It was also, I might add, my longest run with her. She seemed rather appreciative.

"What the fuck was that?" she panted when we pulled apart. We were both soaking wet and gasping for air.

"Um...screw-making? Love-fucking? I dunno, but it was the perfect combination of fucking and making love. Damn! That was good."

We were both giggling as we turned to face each other, and I didn't care that it was unmanly for me to giggle. I'd given Bella her first multiple orgasm and I was _THE MAN_!

"I love you Cullen," she whispered against my cheek.

"It's the afterglow. You'll get over it," I teased.

"Not in a lifetime."

"Just don't expect that every time." I kissed the tip of her nose after winking at her.

"Damn. Well you were right. I'm over you," she teased back.

I grinned, running my hand over her curves. "Doesn't mean I won't try."

I tried. And only got a single. Oh well.

We finished up/gave up a little while later in the shower. It's a good thing I'd already established my spot as _THE MAN _because the shower was laughable. Literally. We couldn't stop giggling long enough to be romantic or anything remotely near hot. Just hot enough that my still swollen dick persisted in trying to stand on it's own despite the laws of gravity.

"It's like a misplaced sausage," I laughed as she twanged it, making it bob up and down.

"You're making me hungry!" Bella giggled.

"Yeah?" I wiggled my eyebrows at her and she arched one with a smirk. "No, seriously Bella, don't. How would I begin to explain to Charlie that you drowned but just happened to have my dick in your mouth at the time? No. It's just dangerous."

She giggled more and pressed herself against me. "You know...I'm still on the pill and with your previous performances, you can't possibly be very fertile at the moment anyway..."

"Ugh," I choked out. The thought of being in her, skin on skin was more than appealing. She had a valid point. "If there is a remaining sperm, it's a retard and couldn't find its way out anyway," I agreed. "Should we?"

It was easy for her to jump on it. She hadn't made the promises I had. And she didn't have any balls to be chopped off. But that quickly left my mind when her tongue swirled around mine.

"Jesus Bella..." I turned us around so she was against the end of the tub, the shower spray on my back as I lifted one of her legs and bent my knees so we could connect. Immediately, her other foot slipped and she slammed against the tiled wall.

"Shit! You okay?" I grabbed her, not very gracefully, by the ass and one boob. My dick twitched against her, oblivious to the slip.

"I'm fine...try this.." She stood on the side ledges, her legs spread wide and held onto my waist as she pulled me against her. Better height, but now I was slipping as I tried to angle myself inside her. Fuck! I really wanted this now...

"Bellaaaaa," I groaned in frustration. "This isn't gonna work sweetheart. Someone's gonna get hurt." We cooled ourselves down gradually, kissing and fondling each other's wet parts. It ended abruptly when the water blasted icy cold. Screeching, we climbed out, giggling once more.

"I don't know how they do that in porn flicks," I commented as we dried off and pulled as little clothing on as possible. "They've got skills I didn't comprehend until just now."

"Yeah, well they don't have the super-duper-tub-scrubber," she teased. "If you didn't have it gleaming all the time, we'd have traction."

"And fungus." I wrinkled my nose.

"Cullen!" She giggled as she clung to me. "I love you so much."

* * *

I left Jane a message to meet me before class, if she could. After our daring attempts at porn sex, I'd taken Bella outside, to talk under the stars. I did what a good boyfriend should do and let her in before I drove myself completely nuts. I knew I didn't have far to go on that one. Her immediate reaction was for me to talk to Jane. And the sooner, the better. She knew I'd obsess until I resolved this. My Bella knew my heart and my head.

Jane was already at the cafe when I arrived. I smiled gratefully at her. "Sorry for the short notice. I hope I didn't wake you."

"No, I was up. I don't need much sleep. Power naps! Much better. I got your coffee, but I didn't know if you'd eaten already so..."

I stood and took my wallet out. "Coffee's on you, breakfast on me. What do you want?"

"Um, yogurt?"

"And..."

"That's it!" she giggled as I rolled my eyes.

I brought back a tray full of pastries to share and her yogurt. "Have I done something wrong? Is that why we're meeting off-campus? I'm fired?"

"No no no! No, Jane, you're doing a great job! Much better than I expected. I asked you here because it's nothing to do with school. It's personal."

"Oh." She suddenly looked nervous and her eyes dropped to the table.

Oh no! Did she think..."Jane, I'm not about to suggest anything inappropriate. I just wanted to talk to you. About last night. And the book," I rambled off quickly. "Um, about your uncle, actually."

Her eyes brightened again and she relaxed. "Uncle Edward? What do you want to know?"

Hmmm. Does he still remember me? Does he still think of me? Does he miss me...love me? "Hmm. Um..." I tugged at my hair as I giggled a bit. "Well, you see, I have this predicament... I kinda know him. Sort of. In a way. He knew me anyway. A long time ago..."

Jane eyes narrowed, but her smile was patient. "You're babbling."

"I'm aware. Thank you." I chuckled as I looked directly at her. "I guess what I'm wondering is if he ever spoke of me. To you." I pulled his book out of my bag and opened it to the dedication. I turned it towards her. "I told you I was adopted. Elizabeth...that's my birth mother..."

Her mouth hung open as she stared at me wide-eyed. "Oh my god! You're Edward! The Edward! Holy crap!"

"Holy crap?" I teased. "That's the best you can come up with?"

"Jeez Louise Edward! We're cousins!"

I smiled warmly at her. She was genuinely excited about my news. "Well..." Technically not, but seeing as living a lie had worked out so well and earned me parents and a brother, I may as well take the cousin too. "I guess we are."

"Oh my god! This is incredible...can you believe us meeting like this? And we'd never know if I hadn't seen your book!"

"I know," I grinned. "I had a long night thinking it all over. I didn't know if you knew about your uncle with my mother and I..."

She twisted her mouth, as she did when she was thinking. "When we were all travelling together, there were many times I'd catch the adults having a conversation that would be cut off when they saw me. Unusual because I was raised to be a little adult, you know?" she smiled. "There wasn't much they kept from me. One time, Uncle Edward was working on a draft and suddenly got sad. I asked him what was wrong. He was looking at pictures of children who'd been orphaned. I thought he was sad for them, because he gets that way. He connects with all the people he goes to aid. He feels their pain and their joy."

I leaned forward, listening intently. "Please, go on," I asked softly.

"He pulled me over to him and told me he sometimes got lonely for his little boy. That was the first time I heard of him being married and having a child. He showed me pictures. Hey, you were a really cute baby!"

I smiled, fighting my urge to cry. This was why I'd asked her to a public place. So I'd be forced to practice control of my heightened, fucking annoying, emotions. But he'd referred to me as 'his little boy'...he had still cared.

"He had some other photos too...you were still small, but not a baby. God! I'm gonna ask him to send them to me for blackmail purposes! Hee hee!"

I chuckled. "You wouldn't..."

"Oh wow! I bet it was Emmett in the pictures with you! Too cute!"

"It would've been, yeah. My parents kept in touch with Edward for awhile after the adoption. Apparently." I paused, unsure of how much I was willing to share with Jane. "I didn't know I was adopted until very recently. If I'd known, I would've liked for him to be part of my life. In some way." I took a deep breath and blew it out. "I guess I still would." Jane deserved the truth; I'd expect it myself, but obviously Edward hadn't told her that he wasn't my biological father. I owed it to him to not overstep my boundaries. I shouldn't say too much without knowing his feelings on it. "Do you think he'd be okay with me writing to him?"

Jane's face lit up again. "Wow! I'm sure he'd love it Edward! I'll give you his email. Want his cell number?"

That twinge of guilt crept up on me once more. I hadn't needed to invade her privacy. I'd only had to ask. I held her hand to stop her from reaching for her phone. "The address is perfect Jane. Thank you. I wouldn't want to give him a heart attack calling him up out of the blue. I'm better at writing anyway."

She jotted down the address for me while I reddened with guilt. I went to order two more coffees to go. "We should get to work. But thanks Jane. For meeting me here...the talk...everything." I gave her a hug as she giggled and blushed.

Leaving the cafe, I spotted Tanya and Kate at a table by the door. She was smirking. I boldly held her gaze as I opened the door for Jane, my hand on her back. Try making Bella jealous over this bitch, I thought to myself. It'd be worth a few laughs for Bella and I. Just 'cause I was feeling very confident at the moment, I winked at Tanya through the glass as we passed by her table outside. She wasn't giggling or smirking.

* * *

_A/N ~ I seriously LOVE the comments you guys leave! I write well ahead of what I post so I always wonder what people think when they've had such a strong reaction to one chapter and it's explained or twisted in a chapter down the road. These characters are soooo much fun to play with. :-) Thanks for playing along ~ SR_


	61. Chapter 61

**Chapter 61**

Class ended, I conferred with Davis over the next class and the upcoming mid-term and then left to go catch Bella on her break at work. I was anxious to tell her about my talk with Jane. She wasn't very hungry, so we went for a walk through the park instead of going to the cafe as usual. We got ice cream cones from the cart and parked ourselves on a bench.

"You look like you're feeling so much better about this," Bella smiled, brushing my cheek with her hand after I related what Jane had told me. "You're happy and confident...you needed this."

"Uh, I think my cockiness and bliss has more to do with last night..." I leaned over to nibble at her neck.

"Cold lips!" she cried out with a giggle. "I can't stop thinking about last night either."

"Yeah? We can't get into here...hardly appropriate with all the kids around, but you can call me, or text, if your thoughts start drifting later on at work." I chuckled as she grinned shyly and laid her head on my shoulder.

"We won't have much time together for the next week. We've got so much to do on our film."

"When can I see it?" They had kept it a complete mystery and I was feeling a bit left out. Considering I was supposed to be in the class with them, it stung to not be involved at all.

"Soon! We have to reshoot one part. Bree's coming over after work and we'll go get it done."

"Tonight?" Damn. I'd wanted to spend another night like the previous one.

"It's a night scene. That's why we have to reshoot. We filmed in a darkened room the first time. It looks like shit. We need the night sky - well, dusk anyway."

"Can I watch?"

She smiled suggestively. "The voyeur in you coming back?"

"Mmm...yeah," I grinned. "Tell me when, I'll bring a camera. Film it for whenever my urge strikes. Sometimes you're not available."

"I'm always available." She gave me a slow, sensual kiss.

"Not nice," I groaned. "You'll either have to be late or go back to work on your own now. I can't stand up."

"You'll frighten the children," she giggled.

"I was serious before," I said, changing the subject before my dick had any more of an inkling it was going to be needed. "Can I hang out while you're shooting tonight? I've been kept in suspense long enough. And I don't want to be alone tonight."

"Cullen...you're breaking my heart, but no. Seeing just this one scene will ruin it. Just a few more days. Promise. I do have to get back to work, sorry."

I sighed as I watched her lick drips of ice cream off the outside of the cone. I took it from her hand, my own finished long ago, and sucked on her sticky fingers one at a time. "I guess I'll see you later then."

"I guess you will," she said in her smoky, I-want-you-now voice.

I watched a group of young children, who looked to be from a daycare, playing, after Bella left. As they laughed and chased each other around, I wondered which of them would end up being abused or neglected. Who would lose a parent or a sibling. They all seemed so carefree. I wished none of the atrocities my friends had been subjected to on these kids. I was smiling, watching a game of tag when a little guy took a tumble on the path not far from me. I jumped up immediately to help him.

"Hey buddy! You okay?" I knelt beside him as he hugged his knees. He gave a brave nod but didn't look up at me or speak. "Did you scrape your knees?" He nodded again and wiped at his eyes. Tough little guy. "Jeez, that had to hurt. I cry when I get a paper cut. You're brave."

He looked up finally, chin quivering. "It really hurtsth."

"I know pal. Can I have a look?" He moved his hands away and let me check out the damage. One was badly scraped, but the other had a piece of glass embedded in his skin. "Ouch!" I said, to let him know it was understandable if he cried. "You here with your mom or the group?"

"Daycare," he said with a sniffle. "I want Mommy."

"I know buddy. I'd want my mommy too..." Where were the chaperones? I'd been with the kid too long to not have them even notice. "Are you able to walk? We should find your teacher."

"Ow!" he cried out when I helped him stand. "It hurtsth!" He was letting loose now and it finally drew the attention of his caregiver. She raced over.

"What are you doing?" she demanded of me.

"Well, the sidewalk jumped out at this little guy," I grinned at him as I passed him a tissue left from our ice creams so he could blow his nose. "He's a tough guy, but I think he needs some help. And his mom."

Her expression softened as she realized I wasn't causing his screams. Her attention turned to the boy. "Jack? I'll take you back now. Can you walk?"

_Jack_, I grinned to myself. Ironic that a Jack lived in my head and now I come across another. But this Jack was very different. Or was he? I leaned in to speak quietly with her, away from Jack's ears. "He may need some stitches. Definitely needs a wash-out, there's a lot of dirt in there along with the glass. You should take him to emergency."

"Are you a doctor?" She was puzzled and her expression made me laugh.

"No...not yet." I spoke louder so Jack wouldn't feel left out. "But I've had enough of these injuries myself to know when a bandaid won't do. There's a clinic that's pretty good just at the edge of the park, we could take him there. Do you need to call his parents first?"

She nodded, pulling out her phone. I gave her the name of the clinic and she made the call.

"Okay pal. So you're gonna go get looked at and cleaned up and your mom or dad will meet you there okay?" I dabbed at the new blood that was oozing since he stood. "Do you have a first aid kit with you?" I asked the caregiver.

"Just bandaids and antiseptic wipes."

"He needs a tourniquet. Any spare socks or anything else I could tie around his leg? It doesn't gave to be fancy or even clean. The glass has come loose since he stood and he's bleeding too much." She shook her head as she tried to think of something. With no other choice, I unbuttoned my shirt and peeled it and then my t-shirt off. The t-shirt was better material to work with. I tore the seam to rip a strip off and tied it securely above his knee. The flow eased and I sat him on the bench to gently wrap the rest of my t-shirt around the wound, then I pulled my shirt back on not bothering with the buttons. "I can carry him there," I offered. "Is that okay with you, Jack?"

He nodded his approval, sniffling as his sobs subsided.

"My name's Edward." I held out my hand to shake his and he grinned shyly as I picked him up. "It's not far. You'll feel better very soon. You're a really brave kid." Jack's little arms hugged my neck so tightly, I thought he'd choke me a few times as I walked quickly down the path. "Hey Jack? Think you could ease off a little dude? I'm not gonna drop you. You're safe."

He grinned through his tears and released one arm. His head rested against my shoulder as his caregiver brushed his hair out of his eyes. I felt his little body relax and he seemed lighter somehow. I held him closer so he'd continue to feel safe.

The triage nurse assumed I was his brother when I carried him in. I sat with him while the caregiver gave his info. He clung to me when they asked him to go to an exam table. "You can come along," she told me. "I'm just taking a look. You'll have to leave when the doctor comes."

"You're in med school?" Jack's caregiver asked while the nurse unwrapped my shirt bandage.

"Not yet. Next year. And my dad's a doctor," I explained. "Watched him do a lot of this stuff over the years. Just me and my brother alone would give me lots of experience." I winked at Jack who was watching me intently.

"You had a lot of accidenths too?" he asked in a quiet voice.

"Sure! All the time! Look," I showed him a scar on the side of my wrist. "Skateboarding. Thought I could do it 'cause my brother could. Um, I'm not so good on moving objects." Jack laughed so I went on. It was keeping him distracted while the nurse cleaned up his scraped knee. I held my elbow up. "This is from the time my brother convinced me to climb up on the roof to get our ball. Going up was fine. Getting back down showed me why it was a bad idea. Once the blood was washed away, I could actually see bone. It was gross. You can't even imagine my knees." I rolled my eyes and laughed along with Jack and the nurse.

"You're really good with kids. Got younger siblings, I suppose?"

I shook my head. Ellie's little sister was the only kid I had interaction with and I hadn't even seen her since the spring. "Kids just like me, I guess. Maybe they see I'm just a kid myself." Jack and I slapped our fists together. I heard the doctor speaking to the desk nurse so I prepared Jack for my departure. "Listen buddy, I've gotta go now. But you're okay here right? Your mom's coming and you've already got one knee taken care of. You're doing great!"

He looked down for the first time, unaware that the nurse was done and ready to bandage it. "Will I have a thscar like you?" he grinned. His front teeth were missing. He was adorable.

"I bet," I grinned back. "Even better one on the other knee if you get stitches." I showed him my elbow again. "See?"

"Cool!" he exclaimed.

"Okay, take care Jack. Maybe I'll see you in the park sometime. My girlfriend works near here so we're at the park a lot." I gave his hair a ruffle before we bumped fists again. "Can't wait to compare scars!"

"We're gonna be friendths."

I smiled as I left the clinic. Little Jack's comment put my Jack's voice in my head again. I whistled along to the happy tune and had an overwhelming urge to go see Bella again.

She freaked out when she saw all the blood on me and I related the whole story while she fussed over me. "You ruined two shirts to help a stranger! You're like, the most unselfish person I know. You're amazing Cullen. Every day you give me another reason to love you more!" She gave me a reason to keep whistling on my way home.

I had to pass the clinic on the way back and the daycare worker caught sight of me and waved me over. "I wanted to thank you. Jack is a really shy and sensitive little boy. You were amazing with him. Normally he'd shut right down when something like this happens. He's been talking up a storm about how cool it all is," she laughed.

"That's great," I smiled. "His mom is here now?"

"His dad. Oh! Here they come. I'm sure Mr Whitlock would like to meet his son's hero."

I froze. Did I hear that right? How many Whitlocks could there be around here? My fear was realized when the man walked out with little Jack. Jasper's dad had another kid.

"No no no no no..." I mumbled to myself as I ran home. Jasper wasn't there, but Rosalie was. I pounded on the bathroom door when the water stopped running. "Rose! I need to talk to you!"

She came out, wrapped in a towel. "What's wrong baby? Is Jaz in trouble? Bella?"

I liked how she immediately included Bella in our 'first concerns' department. "No. Not yet. But I just met up with his dad."

Her mouth dropped. "No! Where? Did he ask about Jaz? He doesn't know where we live, does he?"

I shook my head and explained my afternoon. "He didn't even recognize me Rosie. He didn't have any fucking idea who I was."

"That's good." She had gotten dressed while I stood outside their room and told her the story. Now she was raking her fingers through her hair to dry it. "So maybe he'll stay away from Jasper."

"You're missing an obvious glitch here Rosie. Jaz has a brother. You don't think he'd want to know that?"

She furrowed her brow. "You're right. Of course he would...oh my god! Edward? What if that asshole's the same with Jack!"

"That's my worry. He's an ugly person Rose. His rage against Jasper wasn't anything to do with Jasper himself. How could he not be abusing Jack too?"

"Oh my god." Rose sat down and pulled me with her. "I feel sick."

"I know. And he's the most adorable little guy too. You should see him. Once I knew, I could see bits of Jaz in him. It's heartbreaking to think of him being treated like..."

"I know...what are we going to do?"

"I don't have a fucking clue Rosie. Not a fucking clue." Was it my place to report suspected abuse? Could I live with myself if I did nothing, said nothing...could I keep it from my best friend? I didn't need the extra strife in my life, but I knew the answer was no. I could not live with myself if Jack ended up damaged like his big brother. "I think I'm gonna call my mom."

I put Esme on speaker so we could both talk to her. I repeated my story and concerns to her.

"Oh honey! You have every reason to be concerned. That poor little boy! Jasper has no idea? How old is the little guy?"

"I dunno. He looks around 4, maybe 5? Jaz definitely doesn't know about him. It's at least that long since he's seen his dad. I know we have to tell him; he'd never forgive us keeping a brother from him."

There was a heavy pause on the other end. Rose looked at me, thinking the same thing I was - Esme considered that a slam about them keeping me in the dark so long. Shit!

"I know Jaz. And I know he'd want to be involved with a little brother; if only his dad didn't come along with that. He's better without that piece of sh... Sorry." I held back on the use of profanity, for my mom.

"No. That piece of shit doesn't deserve to be back in Jasper's life." Go Esme! Rose and I grinned hearing my mother swear. "Can you guys come home this weekend? All of you? We'll sort through it together."

"Jaz has his gig Saturday night," Rose reminded her. "After that?"

"Yes! I'll send Carlisle or Emmett to get you. It's too late for the train. Edward? Are you and Bella busy as well or can you come for the whole weekend?"

"I'll check, Mom. I don't know if Bella's off or if they have to work on their project...it's mid-terms."

"Right...Alice mentioned that."

"I'll talk to her and let you know. Thanks Mom." My harbour, still. I'd use the opportunity over the weekend to tell her about Jane and Edward Masen as well. I should keep her informed.


	62. Chapter 62

**Chapter 62**

We decided to go get some take-out before Bella and Jaz got home; not enough time to cook after our conference. When we rounded the corner, I heard the Red Monster approaching. Bella honked as she pulled up alongside us. "Wanna ride there, sexy thing?"

I grinned and pointed ahead. "Seven Nation's here already. Go ahead." I'd seen her sitting on the porch steps.

"She has a name Cullen!"

"So do I! Yet you persist in using my surname," I smirked. I was only teasing, because truthfully, I liked how she mixed up her usage of names for me.

We watched Bree dash down the stairs when Bella parked; we could hear her excited gushing over the truck that was still rumbling, though the power had been cut and Bella was already out of it. That couldn't be good. Maybe Emmett could have a look at it...

"Hey!" she called out when we reached the driveway. "Isn't Bella's truck wicked?"

"That's one word for it," I smirked, glancing at Rose. She'd stayed oddly silent on the truck issue. I knew it wasn't her taste at all, but it was a huge gesture for her to not to diss it. Jasper was very vocal about his opinion. I sat somewhere in between. I hated the damn thing, but it was more of a safety concern for me. It was aesthetic for Jaz. And a source of amusement for him to get under her skin about it.

"Man! You can just tell this baby's been places! It's awesome! We should totally roadtrip when summer term ends!"

"It might make it to the highway," I teased.

Bella poked her tongue out and then addressed her friend. "My baby and Edward don't agree. He's jealous."

"If by jealous you mean terrified..."

"Pussy!" Bree taunted.

"Ah!" I gasped in mock shock. "That's it. No dinner for you! You can sit and watch us eat." I waved the containers in front of her as I passed. "Smells so good!"

I quickly filled Bella in on the situation with Mr Whitlock and Jack while we got drinks in the kitchen. Jaz came in and I cut it short with a warning glance to Bella, changing the subject to Esme's invite. Jasper was all up for it; Bella as well, provided they had a productive night of filming.

"So, I brought my little baggy of incentives for our night's work," Bree announced as we ate our dinner.

Aw shit! Was this where the pot smoking was coming from? From the corner of my eye, I saw Bella's head turn towards me. I stared at the floor in silence.

"Bree is an addict. Totally can't work without her sugar fix," Bella spoke up. "What is it tonight?"

"Sour cherries! Yum!"

"A sugar addict huh?" I questioned with a smirk.

"It's my only vice. I can't even do caffeine. My mom says I'm naturally high," she giggled.

_"You are!"_ Jasper and Bella called out.

I relaxed and let my hopes go back to her being a good friend for Bella. She certainly kept us entertained. I temporarily forgot about Edward and little Jack. And then they left, taking Rose with them to help.

"Don't sulk Cullen." Bella was on her toes to look me in the eye as she hugged me at the door. "I really want to surprise you."

"You can surprise me when you come home then," I grinned before I kissed her, suggestively pulling her hips into mine.

I went downstairs and watched some TV before I grew bored with that. Then I read a chapter of the book I'd started last month. That didn't hold my interest either. I didn't even have any coursework I could do for the class. Bored silly, I went to my room and remembered I hadn't watched the disc Emmett made me for my birthday. In searching for that, I discovered his second gift that I hadn't ever looked at.

Smiling, I took the disc and bag over to my bed and dumped it out. I laughed at the display, Emmett had outdone himself with sex toys and various lotions and gels as well as a second disc that I didn't think had anything to do with Jack White. At least, I hoped it didn't. "Em, Em, Em..." I chuckled to myself as I selected a lotion to try out tonight. With or without Bella, I decided as I took a glimpse of the contents of the unknown disc. No, definitely not Jack White. I patted my boner to let it know it would be taken care of later on.

I put the concert disc on my TV while I clicked on my laptop. I wanted to thank Jane again for our talk earlier. I cleared out the spam, read and answered a couple of messages from students in a panic over mid-terms and then stared in disbelief at the screen. One new message came through. Sender: Masen, Edward. Rubbing my sweaty palms on my jeans, I took a deep breath and clicked it open.

_Edward,_  
_I understand you've gotten to know my niece, Jane. She says wonderful things about you. Has, from day 1. Only then, I believed you were a decent young man who happened to share the name of myself and the baby I helped name. Popular name, isn't it?_

_Well Edward, Jane has shared the delightful news that you are the very same Edward I've held close all these years. The world is filled with marvelous coincidences. I hope you don't mind that she shared your address with me. I understand you were given mine as well. I'm writing to let you know that I would indeed, be very interested in hearing from you. It's a wish I've had for many years._

_I know already that you've grown to be an intelligent, kind man; as I always knew you would. I'd love the opportunity to know the man you are now. When you're ready. I'll be here._

_Always_  
_EM_

My eyes teared up, but my elation didn't allow them to flow. He wanted to know me. He wanted me. _Always._

I spent an hour typing out my reply, telling him how this had all unravelled over the past months. I told him how much the dedication in his book had meant and also the fact that he had contacted me. I wanted to know him, too.

I had drifted off into a peaceful sleep, feeling like I'd closed another chapter of my own turmoil _in_ paradise when I felt Bella's warm body slip into bed next to mine and considered, only briefly, that it would be a very nice dream coming up. As my arm went around her and felt only skin, I woke completely with my dick wondering what had kept me.

"Hi," she smiled at me.

"Hi," I smiled back. "Give me a minute, okay?" I raced to the bathroom to brush my teeth and have a quick pee. I almost didn't recognize the grinning face in the mirror. I hadn't felt this completely content in a very long time. It was better than content. It was a feeling of comfort and ease; knowledge that somewhere along the way, I'd done something very right. I hadn't been a _total_ fuck-up. I went to the kitchen and grabbed some juice before heading back to bed. To Bella.

"For later," I explained as I set the bottle down. I picked up the lotion. "For now."

"Cullen? You actually went to a store and purchased love juice? On your own?"

"No! Hell no!" I giggled. "It's uh...from Em. From my birthday. I just remembered it tonight. Thought we could...maybe...play around with some stuff."

"Stuff?" She leaned on an elbow, breasts exposed, as I sat fully clothed on the edge of the bed. Shit it was hot in the room.

"Yeah, uh...there's a bunch of stuff. Different lubes, different condoms...viewing material...a vibrator..." I felt myself blushing.

"Oh my god!" Bella's hands covered her own blushing face. "From Emmett?"

I nodded, chuckling. Yes, it was a chuckle. Not a giggle. I was about to engage in advanced sexual relations with the woman I loved, no room for giggles here and now. I cleared my throat. "Um...we don't have to...I mean, whatever you want to..." I ran my fingers through my hair. "We don't have to use the stuff, if you don't want to."

She peered out through her fingers as I fidgeted. Then she collected herself and sat up fully to pull my t-shirt over my head. "Let's see what we've got to work with," she grinned as she took the packet from me. "Tingling. Interesting. This is what you want to try first?"

I shrugged. "Uh, sure. Whatever. I mean, I get off well enough without anything..." I smirked.

"Even me," she teased as she kissed me.

I chuckled again. "But it's much better with you, believe me. There's other stuff. In the drawer. You can check it out."

She leaned over to open it up, the sheet slipping further down and exposed the top of her ass. I stood quickly and removed my pants before my dick busted through on it's own. "We'll go with the lube you selected and how about this one?" She held up a 'next to nothing' condom. "Says it's the closest thing to..."

My heart pounded as I recalled our failed attempt at bareback in the shower. "Sure," I squeaked, sounding like a pubescent boy. "Sounds good." I pulled off my boxers as I climbed under the sheet next to her. She pulled me in for a deep, sensual kiss immediately; one hand tangled in my hair, the other wrapped around my dick. "Ugh, Bella..." I moaned. "We're gonna waste this 'cause I'm telling you now, I won't last long enough. I'll use a regular one first okay?"

"Nope. I'll take care of you first and then you'll be ready for a really good screw."

Ohhhh, holy fuck! Dirty talk _and_ a blow job. She was already pleasuring me with her little steel ball tickling all the right places. My hands wove through her hair, tugging lightly and sweeping it aside so I could see what she was doing. "Shit! Baby you're..." I exploded even before I knew it was coming, immediately pulling away, but not quite fast enough. "Shit! _Shit!_ Honey, I'm sorry!" I reached for the sheet to clean her off.

Bella giggled as I wiped her down. "Sweetie, you don't have to get so freaked out everytime you do that. It's fine! It's what's supposed to happen." She was teasing me gently, not sure how I'd react. I hated that I'd made her feel unable to just be herself. Her spontaneity was what I loved most about being with her this way.

"Sorry..."

"Stop apologizing! In fact, next time, don't even warn me. Just surprise me. Okay?"

"Bella..." I don't know what it was, but I felt dirty defiling her with my jism.

"Cullen...it's what I want." She blew a raspberry on my very ticklish belly and then teased the deflating tool with her mouth again.

I barely had a chance to giggle before I was moaning and uttering curses as she sucked the life out of me. "Jesus Bella...stop baby. Stop. You're gonna waste this one too," I teased as I eased her off me. "Shall I return the favour?"

She sat back on her bent legs and shook her head. "Just fuck me."

My eyes widened with my grin. "Bella..." I taunted as she blushed. "Seriously?"

"Seriously Cullen." She was biting a portion of her lip, but it seemed it was in frustration since she was grinding on her own legs while we had our verbal exchange.

I reached for the condom of her choice and rolled it on expertly. "Come here baby." I held my arms out to her. "You wanna be on top or..."

She swung a leg over and eased herself down, gasping and pausing at the halfway point. I massaged her breasts and held my own hips still until she found her comfort zone. It wasn't long before she was bouncing wildly and clawing at my stomach. She held herself deeply impaled as she whimpered through her orgasm. God, she was beautiful when she came. When the last shudder ran through, she climbed off abruptly, making me whimper.

"Shhh!" She covered my mouth with hers. "You'll get yours." The tingling gel was in her hand, package being torn open. She took my hand and squeezed some onto my fingers before taking some on her own. She rubbed it between her palms and then rubbed me.

"Fuck!" I cried out, only beginning to comprehend how fucking good it was going to feel inside her again like this. I reached around and gently worked it into all her folds as she wiggled around on my fingers.

"God Cullen. Your fingers are magic...so long and soft."

"You like soft?" I teased.

"Mmm. On second thought, hard is better." She grabbed hold of me and gave me a few tugs as I continued exploring with my long, soft fingers. "Okay..." she panted, seeming close to another orgasm already. "Fuck me Cullen."

A sound emanated from deep inside me, pure lust at this point. I laid her out on her back and ran my tongue from her neck down to her thighs. She was thrusting her hips up and clutching onto my shoulders as I inched down. I was really going down for an extra pillow at the end of the bed, but I couldn't resist a teaser taste.

"Cullen! Seriously! Put it in! Don't mess around now!" Bella's pleading jacked me up even more.

"Fuck Bella. You have no idea what you're doing to me." I lifted her hips and stuffed a pillow underneath to keep her raised. Her knees were bent and I held them spread wide as I guided myself inside her. We both cried out softly as the tingling intensified briefly and then I went at it, with her verbal and physical encouragement. I felt completely vulnerable and invincible at the same time as I pounded through her orgasm before reaching my own. Even as I pumped my last few strokes as I came, she was gripping my hips and ass, still wanting more.

"Baby, I need a few minutes..." I panted as I kissed her throat. "You're not done?"

"Mmm, I just really want you." Her hands were still on my ass, driving my flacid pathetic dick in further.

"Okay, but honey this isn't gonna work. I need to pull out before the condom comes off. It won't take long to get it back, I promise." She released me briefly to take care of business.

"The ugly side of romance," I smirked as I balled up the used condom and dried off my swollen, but diminished dick.

"Let me." Bella took my hand away and used the sheet, as I had, to tenderly wipe me down. Her fingertips circling the tip, just as she knew I liked. "You've got a really attractive dick, y'know?"

I giggled. "Is that right?"

"Yeah. It's perfect. I remember when we first started dating, you saying how you were nothing spectacular. You were wrong Cullen. So wrong. I'm completely in lust with your penis. The rest of you? I love. But I lust for this fellow right here."

Her hands were working me the whole time she spoke and I was pleased that my attractive dick had been paying attention and was responding quite well under the circumstances.

I was lying on my back underneath her and she gazed down at me as I peered up. "Edward..." She backed herself up and sat on my belly. "I didn't think it was possible to love somebody this much."

"Aw honey, come here." I shifted her so I could sit up to hold her. After a moment of seriousness, I kissed her forehead and asked, "Ith it me or my penith?" We both cracked up.

"What's wrong with you?" Bella giggled.

"Tingly. My mouth ith numb," I grinned, not regretting it in the least. I chugged from the juice bottle to try to clear the tingling.

She smiled as she stared into my eyes. "You're silly. I love that and your _penith_. The total package dude." She turned serious again. "The more I discover about you, the more amazed I am. You take on every friend's troubles as well as your own. Strangers' as well. And now he's not a stranger."

Little Jack... "We can't leave it knowing he could be hurt."

"No," she agreed.

"You should see him Bella. He's so cute. A mini Jaz. But cuter."

"Cuter huh? I think I have to meet this kid," she smiled before kissing me.

"You have to read something too." I was through keeping anything from Bella. She was my partner in everything and I would include her in every detail from here on out. If Edward wrote again, I already planned to make my next letter to him about my Bella.

* * *

_A/N ~ One eye-opening road trip... coming up! ;-) _


	63. Chapter 63

**Chapter 63**

I was packed and ready to go home for the weekend when Bella got in from work.

"Should I make something to eat while you pack or do you want to stop somewhere on the way?"

"We should bring food. I can't really afford to eat out this week since I had to cut some hours off my shifts."

I rolled my eyes. "You don't have to worry about that. We can eat out."

"I'd rather take food," she said in her unbendable tone.

I threw my hands up in defeat. "Alright then. Turkey or corned beef?"

"You decide." Her smile was back as she kissed my chin. "I'll be ready in 10 minutes!"

I chuckled as I went to prepare our sandwiches. Bella had picked up some of my bad habits - quick, sloppy packing was another one added to the pile. I grabbed some fruit and a couple of Cokes to go with the sandwiches, all packed in a thermal travel bag. I took it, Esme's casserole dishes, two bags of dirty laundry and my own bag for the weekend out to the truck.

The truck.

I said a silent prayer as I loaded it. My bid to have my brother come pick us up, or even take the train was lost to Bella wanting to take her truck for a 'good run'. God help me. Once her bag was packed, we were off. I sat, silently white-knuckled until we were out of city limits. I suggested pulling off to a picnic area to have our packed dinner.

"So, you gonna tell me about your film or what?"

"Jeez Cullen! You're obsessed with this!"

I gave her a crooked grin. "You always want what's been withheld even more. And I admit, I'm a bit jealous. Everyone else has been involved. I was supposed to be in the damn class!"

Bella kissed my cheek, then pinched it. "You're so cute when you're jealous."

Hmm. I hardly thought so.

"You'll get a sneak preview, how's that? Before we submit it."

I shrugged and picked at the chipping paint on the picnic table. "Whatever."

"So Charlie's all in a huff that we're spending the weekend at your parents'." The fact that she let the subject drop knowing I was in a huff about it didn't slip past me.

I childishly shrugged again. "Oh well."

"Edward." She turned her body to face me, one leg on each side of the bench. "I thought you were willing to work on the dad issue. What happened to kissing Charlie's ass?"

"I try Bella. He doesn't have anything to say to me. When I pick up the phone, it's 'put Bella on'. I'm like, 'Hi Chief Swan! How's everything?' and I get 'put Bella on'. Hard to kiss an ass that's got his own head up it."

Bella started to look angry, but ended up laughing instead. "I'm sorry...I know you're trying. Thank you sweetie." Her kiss melted me somewhat.

"Next time you're off on the weekend, we'll take a trip out his way. Unless you'd rather me not go with you?"

"Silly! I want you. Always."

"We should go. I don't wanna get stuck out here after dark."

"Why would we get stuck?" She batted her eyes, playing innocent. I rolled mine.

Once we hit my neighbourhood, Bella drove incredibly slowly, gawking at the houses. "Honey, focus on the road. We'll take a walk later on and I'll tell you all the dirt about everyone in these houses. You'd be surprised."

She started her chewing. "Like Rosalie's dad?"

"Rosalie's dad is a saint in comparison to some of the deviants. Money buys houses, but it doesn't buy morals. Pull up there, on the right." I pointed to the driveway with the Escalade.

"Holy shit Cullen!"

I couldn't suppress my grin. "Bit bigger than the dorm room we used to hang in huh?"

Alice gave her the grand tour inside and Emmett showed her the grounds. I was glad to be off the hook for that, I didn't want to seem like I was showing off. Esme had food spread out for us after Bella was shown around and I hauled everything in.

"Laundry?" Esme cocked an eyebrow at me. "You know where the machines are honey. Hope you brought Bella's too." She gave a conspiratorial wink at my girlfriend.

"You'll share your room Edward? Jasper and Rose will need his tomorrow anyway, I didn't want to be shuffling Bella around."

"Yeah. That's fine."

"Or you could room with your brother and let the girls have your room."

"Why does Jaz get to sleep with Rose but we're split up?" Emmett voiced his protest.

Both of my parents chuckled at his outburst. "Boys never grow up, do they honey?" Carlisle threw his arm around his wife, watching his family with pride.

"Got that right. You have your moments as well!" Now the girls cackled at our expense with Esme getting her jab in. "Anyway, I didn't know what the situation was...if your dad would approve of you sharing a room?" Esme looked to Bella for her reply.

I chuckled. "Charlie would _not_ approve." That, I knew for a fact.

"But under the circumstances..." Bella shot me a look. "I don't want to put anyone out. We'll be fine in Edward's room, thank you."

We sat around the garden until midnight, telling old stories and discussing the new situation with Jasper and how we'd deal with that. I also took the opportunity to tell them about my email exchange with Edward Masen. Carlisle was pleased for me. Esme wore an expression of joy mixed with dread.

I went to her, crouched in front of her chair and took her hands. "Mom, no one will ever replace you and Dad. No one could ever mean as much to me. You understand that I have to do this, right? I have to sort through the unknown before I can feel whole. But I promise you, I will never turn away from you. This is my family."

Tears streamed down her beautiful, smiling face. "And Edward Masen will always be part of our family. I understand sweetie. I do. Thank you. I love you so much!"

"Mom! Shit, he's 22! You still treat him like a baby for chrissake!" Emmett was embarrassed for me. The girls were all weepy.

"He _is_ my baby and don't swear Emmett."

I grinned up at her. I'd outgrown being embarrassed by her displays of motherly love. I valued it. More than I could ever make her realize.

* * *

"Cullen? You awake?" Bella nudged me when I didn't reply.

"Hmm? What's wrong?"

"I can't sleep." She snuggled into me and kissed my shoulder.

"Bella...I don't think I can do it in my parents' house..."

She slapped my chest. "I'm not starting anything! Let's go for a walk."

"What? The sun isn't even up! What time is it?"

"I dunno. 5 something... Almost 6."

"Bella..." I groaned.

"Okay. Forget it. Just go back to sleep." She started to leave me but I pulled her back into a hug.

"Lay here with me for awhile," I said quietly. "Then we'll go for a walk. The coffee shop doesn't open 'til 6 anyway." I stroked her hair as I stared at my ceiling. "I've never had a girl in this bed before. It's weird."

"Not even messing around?"

"Nope. Too afraid to get caught," I smirked. "Even my solo acts were rushed, just in case."

"That's cute." She played with the hair on my torso idly, as she always did in a snuggle. "It's also cute...no, adorable...how much you love your mom."

Okay, now I was embarrassed. "Uh...let's go now. It'll be open by the time we walk there."

We grabbed two coffees and circled back so I could point out various things in my neighbourhood. "Did Em show you Rosalie's house last night?"

"No. I was looking for the gate..."

I shook my head. "It's gone. The new owners took it down. My mom planted a rose bush there in it's place. Pale yellow."

"Sweet," Bella smiled and rested her head against me as we strolled.

"This is it." We stood in front of the gated mansion with the water fountain in the court yard.

"Jesus Christ! It's like a castle!"

I nodded as I squinted up at the peeks along the skyline. "A castle for Princess Rosalie. You can see where her bitterness stems from, right?" Bella nodded, chewing on her lip. "You didn't picture it like this."

"Edward, I didn't imagine your house to be so grand._ This_ is fucking...it blows my mind! I've never been in a house like this or yours. You could fit five of Charlie's houses in your yard, do you know that?"

I kissed the top of her head. "I'm not showing you this to leave you in awe. Remember I told you monstrous people can live in the classiest of houses? The worst lived here."

"You said her dad was mild...White collar criminals generally aren't monsters."

"Not her father. Her brother." Rose had given me the go-ahead. I hoped she wouldn't be mad about this. "Did she tell you anything about him?"

"Just that he's much older...and in jail as well. I assumed it was related to her father's affairs."

"Not at all. He molested Rosalie's sister, Caroline. For years. That's why he's in jail." I blurted out Rosalie's biggest secret.

"His own sister?" Bella gasped.

"Step sister. To me, to everyone I know, it's the same thing, but yeah. It went on for something like 6 years before she ran and it came out."

"What happened to her? Rose said they're not in touch..."

"She _ran_ Bella. To the streets, because it was safer there than in her own home."

"Why didn't they get him away from her?"

I smirked sadly. "Her father was being incarcerated. Her mother was mortified by that. Molestation? In her perfect house? I didn't happen. Caroline was lying, obviously."

"Oh my god!" Bella's hand flew to her mouth. "Her own mom didn't believe her?"

"No. But child services did when she showed up at a clinic, very pregnant at 15. She went to a group home, had the baby and gave it up for adoption. And then ran again. Last Rosalie knew of her, she was living in a crack house."

"Damn! Why did they let Rosalie stay with their mother after that?"

"Honey, Rose thought she lost everything. She only had her mom. And really, her mother wasn't horrible up until that point. She was a little self-absorbed..."

"Uh, yeah!"

"She had idolized her mother. She was beautiful and elegant and from the time Rose could walk, she walked in her shadow."

"She believed her mother instead of her sister," Bella stated.

"No. She knew," I whispered. "She lied to keep her mom. She's never forgiven herself. Especially since she thought it would make the bond they'd had surface again...but it didn't."

"She knew...oh!_ Oh shit!_ Edward? He didn't...was Rose...?"

"She says not." I stated carefully. "But look at her. She's beautiful, just like Caroline. Actually, more so. If he did her sister at that age..." I shook my head. "I never pushed the issue with her. Maybe Jaz knows the truth. I just think her actions speak volumes. We've been like brother and sister since that all went down." I smiled gently at Bella. "Do you see the way she is with me sometimes as _sisterly_?"

She shook her head as she realized what I meant. "Shit. She grew up thinking siblings play around with sexual undertones."

I nodded. "That's my opinion...like I said, I don't question her. I don't make her feel like she's a deviant..."

"Jeez..." She wrapped her arms around my waist and held me tight.

"Bella, I'm telling you this because it's taken me years to try to figure her out. I can't expect you to understand when I'm not even sure I do..." I lifted her chin with my finger to look her in the eyes. "Rose told me she's trying to change, for you. Because it upsets you." Her only response was lip nibbling. I kissed her forehead before continuing. "I'm kinda trapped here Bella and I'm struggling. What's the right thing to do? I love you, you know that. I'd never intentionally hurt you...no, I _did_ do that once...I mean, I wouldn't do anything to hurt you now. I hate that Rose and I upset you. But the other side..."

"There's always another side huh?" Bella offered half of a grin.

"I'm sorry," I smirked. "But yeah, I can't hurt Rosalie either. We've been how we are for a long time. A _looong_ time. She's a physically affectionate person. Physical, period. Not always affectionate." Bella grinned with me this time. I took a deep breath and went on. "Like I said, it's taken years to figure it out and I still may be wrong, but my theory is all I've got to go on. My brother and I replaced her own brother; the good things about a brother...how a brother should be. She's always been closer to me because we're the same age. She doesn't do the sex jokes with Em, obviously. It confused the shit out of me for years. Puberty was pure hell around Rosalie. My theory is that she picked someone she trusts...me...to see how I'd respond to her actions."

"To see if you'd react?"

"Not exactly. She always got a reaction of some sort...I mean, she was seeing if I'd try to get somewhere, I suppose. In those early hormonal days especially. I never did. So she kept at it. Jaz thought she wanted me to go for it. That was before they hooked up. I don't get that feeling from her though, honestly. It's more like, she kept pushing and pushing until she finally realized that there are trustworthy guys and she wasn't at fault for anything that may or may not have happened with her brother. Now, it's just habit. It's a thing we do."

"It doesn't bother Jaz?"

I shrugged. "He's never let on that it does. I think it bothered him more before they were together than it does now. You should ask him though."

"Edward?" Bella gazed up at me, her eyes darting around like she couldn't quite look me in the eye. "Would you ever..."

"Never."

"You didn't let me finish!" she giggled.

"Would I ever fool around with Rosalie. That's what you were going to ask, right? Well, no. Never. For three reasons. Want them?" She nodded with a small smile in place. "One: she's not my type. _At all._ Too clingy. Too possessive. Too violent. I'd be beaten up daily." Bella snortled. Was she crying? If so, she was hiding it from me so I continued. "Two: Jaz. He's my best friend and he loves her. I love him, so I could never do that to him. Three: Rose absolutely trusts me. If I ever did anything, I'd ruin every bit of progress she's made in that department. She'd never feel secure. I love _her_, so I couldn't do that to her."

I felt a few tremors from Bella. She was crying, but trying not to. "I'm sorry. I lied. There are four reasons why I would never...so bump all of those ahead one space, one is now two, two is three, three is four. My number one reason is _you_ Bella. Because I love you in a way I didn't even understand until a few months ago. I wouldn't cheat on you with anyone, let alone one of my best friends. I want you Bella. I desire only you." I lifted her off her feet in a tight hug, kissing everywhere I could get at. "It'll be easier to back her off now that she's conscious of it herself. I'll try not to encourage it either, okay?"

"I love you Cullen!" She sobbed into my neck. "I'm sorry I act like a jealous teenager."

"You don't honey." I set her down and brushed her hair back from her face. "You don't. I just want us to get to a place where we just trust each other completely. I know I'll be forever faithful, but I need to work on making you believe that."

"Cullen, the thing is...I don't want you to change who you are. The way you are with various people...it's amazing to me. Watching you. So open and real. I could never be like that."

"What? You're real with me! That's one of the things I fell for in the first place, because you didn't try to impress me or my friends, you said what you felt, did what you wanted...you can't fake how you can go from being a shy little apple blossom..." Another snortle in my neck. "To a bold, sexy woman who knows what she wants and takes control...then right back to the blossom. You can't fake that honey. It's how you feel. It's real. To me it is anyway."

"I'm not driving you crazy?"

"Well yeah...but the outcome is worth it," I teased and got slapped. "Shit. You've been spending too much time with Rose."

She gave me a kiss that made me forget the slap. "Thank you for telling me everything. Rose's story, your theory. It makes it much easier to swallow...but I feel horrible that I've been such a bitch to Rose."

"Don't," I said bluntly. "She gives it, she can take it. You've seen how we fight. We say awful things to each other and then we're fine. No big deal. I think your occasional bitchiness is actually a good thing for her. She's growing a healthy respect for you. My advice? Don't hold back, 'cause she won't. Talk to Jasper too. Maybe he has more insight."

The rest of the morning was spent doing laundry in between catching Alice and Emmett up on all the news. I swore them to secrecy over Jasper's night of what I preferred to call over-indulgence rather than what it was. A reckless attempt at not caring. A near suicide. Again. After dinner I bargained with my parents to let me and Em go pick up Jasper and Rose instead of Carlisle going.

"We need bro time! And the girls need girl time," I stated.

"But you'll get there and have a beer..." Esme predicted.

"I won't! I haven't had a drink in weeks actually," I confessed and got an arched, questioning brow. "Something I'm trying..."

"Is there an issue?"

"No issue. I'd just like to leave it at having a few drinks for fun occasionally. That's all. And I've been too busy for fun. So can I have the keys? Please?"

"Don't drink!" Carlisle said as he reached into his pocket.

"Emmett, don't let your brother drink. I'm making you responsible."

"As always," he smirked.

"_As if!_ I'm the responsible one!" I argued like a 12-year-old. "You're the one who sends me up on the roof and into the river and gives me copies of..." I cut myself off when Em nudged me with a smirk.

"Did ya like it?"

I blushed and stared down at my feet.

"Like what?" Esme inquired.

"His birthday gift." Emmett was looking annoyingly smug. He'd get in shit for giving me porn, but he knew I'd be so utterly mortified if our mother knew I watched it that I wouldn't rat him out.

"The concert bootleg. It's piracy. Illegal and all that." Good enough bluff? I doubted it. Esme raised both eyebrows as she swatted me on the backside.

"Behave yourselves. And drive carefully."

"Yes Mom!" I gave Bella a kiss goodbye and chased after my brother.

"And wear your seatbelt!"

I had another excellent conversation with Emmett on our drive and some good hang time listening to music at top volume. "Dad has Linkin Park," I mused as we pulled up to The Underground. "Cool. Bizarre, but very cool."

The ride back was entirely different. I wanted to give Jasper some warning. I didn't think it was fair that he'd be walking into a house filled with people who all knew he had a brother before he did.


	64. Chapter 64

**Chapter 64**

We were sent on 'errands' so my parents could have time with just Jasper and Rosalie. That was cool. It reminded me of meeting Bella that first night, the four of us out looking for something to do. We ended up bowling. I won the first set and crowed like a peacock. I lost miserably every one after and took the ribbing reasonably well. I also discovered that bowling could be my favourite spectator sport. I had to miss a few turns when I couldn't contain my wood after watching Bella in her skinny jeans.

When we returned, we found Rose helping Esme in the kitchen.

"How is he?" I asked quietly.

"Edward Masen Cullen, you are never to keep something like this from us again! Do you hear me?" Esme emphasized her words with the spatula in her hand. I was thankful she wasn't chopping anything at the time.

"He told them about that night," Rose explained.

"Hear me?" Esme asked again.

"Okay, okay! It's just...he's always so afraid you'll be disappointed when he fu... messes up." Jesus. If I swore now, she might switch up the spatula for a knife. She still caught my intention to swear and shot me a look. I muttered my apology and cowered between Bella and Rose. "Otherwise...he's okay?"

"We're working out some options. He's out back with your dad. Go see him." Emmett came with me, leaving the girls with Esme.

"Guys, get everything done?" Carlisle kept up the ruse of 'errands'. "Jasper here is displaying his mad barbecue skills. Quite impressive."

"Yeah, he does it all at home. It's been a great barbecue season." I patted my buddy's shoulder as I stood by him. His eyes were swollen. He'd cried. I was grateful to have been sent away for that. "You okay?" I asked him quietly.

"Yeah. I am." He turned his head to grin at me. Not his totally charming grin, but his I'm-so-fucked-up-but-I-adore-this-family grin. "So Carlisle's gonna get someone to check out Jack's medical records, see if there's any indication he's been abused."

"Great!" I nodded.

"I want to see him. My brother. Can you take me to where you met him? Point him out?"

"Yeah man. I can do that."

"I don't want to deal with my father, but I will if I have to."

"You won't have to Jasper, I told you. Esme and I will handle him if it comes to that."

"If he's..." Jasper's eyes looked distant as he spoke. "If Jack is abused in any way, I want him out of there. Period."

"We'll do whatever we can son," Carlisle assured him.

Jasper nodded. "I'm done with my mother too. She's an adult. If she can't manage her own life, I certainly can't do it for her. My brother needs me more." He focused his attention on carefully shifting the grilling meat. "And I'm going to go talk to someone Carlisle knows. I've kept this shit in too long...sorry Pops," Jaz quickly apologized for his language slip.

Carlisle shook his head with a grin. "You only have to worry about that when my wife's nearby. We're really proud of the decisions you're making. You've had some incredibly...shitty...times, but you're an admirable man Jasper. We're all proud of you."

I slapped his shoulder again before turning away. Fuck! I didn't want to cry myself. Alice poked her head out to see how we were doing, creating a welcome distraction. We all helped set up on the patio and enjoyed each other's company over the feast.

"Has everyone had enough?" Esme asked as she cleared some empty plates.

"Well I did want that last brownie that pigboy just swooped in on," Rose quipped as I held it by my mouth.

"I'm sorry, did you want it?" I asked sweetly.

"As a matter of fact, I would like it, thank you."

"Come get it!" I ran off towards the back of the property and she chased me around the pond as the family sat back and laughed. She had me cornered between the pond and the trees.

"Sucker. You lose!"

"Okay. It's yours." I hung my head in submission before grinning crookedly. "If you can reach it." I held it up high above my head.

"Ass!" she hissed as she she jumped for it.

"Ah! Language Miss Rosalie. Follow the rules," I taunted.

"Give me the brownie asswipe!"

"For that...no. Well, okay if you want it...then again...no." I teased her with it, passing it just out of reach. "Okay Rose. Seriously. Do you really want it?" I held her off with my free hand as she continued to lunge for it.

"Yes!"

"Come get it!" I shoved it in my mouth and she shoved me. Right into the pond. _"Shit!"_ I yelled as I landed on my ass, shoulder deep. "Oh you're gonna get it!" I spit out the soggy, forgotten dessert and reached for her as she tried to flee.

"You're _such_ a dick Edward!"

"Bite me!" I yanked hard on her arm and she came tumbling in with me.

_"Asshole!"_ She yelled as she wiped pond water from her face and then cracked up. "You've got a little brownie..." Her finger wiped at my mouth where the icing had stuck. She held it up to show me and then licked it off her finger. "Good brownie."

"I always share," I laughed with her, oblivious to the crowd around us now.

"Edward!" Esme's angry voice was the first indication of an audience. "My god! Look at you two! That pond hasn't been swimmable since you were little! Don't think you're traipsing through the house like that."

"Sorry," I grinned.

"Very unconvincing Edward. Rosalie? Can you do better?"

"I'm sorry Esme," she said sincerely. "Even more sorry I didn't get my _BROWNIE_!" She splashed a handful of water at my face.

"You two - _out!_ Now! Alice honey, go get some towels please. You're stripping off those scummy clothes in the mud room. And _you're_ washing them. Emmett! Dishes!"

"What did _I_ do?" he moaned.

"You're laughing at your brother. Go."

He skulked off and I snickered. "Edward, you're helping him as soon as you're changed. Honestly. It's like you were still children!"

"Sorry Mom," I said more sincerely as I struggled to stand. I offered Rose my hand to help her as Alice ran out with the towels for us. I gave her the first one after drying off her face for her. "Sorry Rose."

She grinned at me and picked a piece of seaweed out of my hair. "You're so disgusting."

"I was going to say, see what raising boys is like? But this one's just as bad," Esme said to the silent girls watching the spectacle we'd made.

"Mom...I'm sorry..." I tried again as I climbed out.

"I'm giving myself a time-out! Come talk to me when you're done your chores." She headed for the house.

"Poor Esme," Bella whispered with a giggle. After she was safely inside, all of us cracked up.

"Jesus Rose! I've never even seen you hit chlorine let alone a scum pool! Come here baby, I'll help you dry off." Jasper wrapped her in the towel and then his arms.

I watched Bella watching me with amusement. "Um...you're not mad or...upset?" I asked carefully.

She pulled me down for a kiss. "Oh god! You seriously stink Cullen! Go get changed!"

* * *

The weekend at home had done wonders for my roommates. They were all in great moods, despite days on end of rain. I, on the other hand, was getting more sullen by the day. I checked my email fanatically. I still hadn't heard back from Edward. I tried not to think about what that meant. Had I written something wrong? Did he regret writing me in the first place? I was checking again when Jasper knocked on my door.

"Hey. I have to be at work in about an hour. Got time to come through the park with me? It's not raining."

I'd just gotten in from work myself, but I knew Jaz had been disappointed about not getting to see Jack. The first semi-dry day all week, they'd most likely have the kids out. "Sure man. Let's go."

It was a week since I'd had my encounter in the park. I took Jasper along the same route. There were kids about, but I didn't see the group. "Sorry Jaz. Maybe next week." We were heading back when I saw them. I pulled Jasper aside on the bridge and pointed him out. He was walking alone, behind his group. No limp, apparently healing fine.

"Oh my god..." Jasper uttered quietly.

"Looks like you huh?"

"Only with darker hair. It's eerie."

"It's cute!" I quipped, elbowing him.

_"Edward!"_ Jack spotted me and came running.

"Easy there buddy! Don't want another spill!" I chuckled as he launched himself at me. His arms wrapped around my legs. "How are the knees?"

"Good!" He smiled up at me.

"No arthritis setting in?" I teased. He giggled even though I was certain he didn't get the joke. "Jack, this is my very best friend, Jasper."

"Hi there Jack," Jaz smiled down at his brother sweetly. "Edward told me all about you. You're really okay? Or are you just being brave?"

"I'm okay," he said shyly.

"And he is brave." I patted his head. "Can I check out your scars? You can see the one on my knee today." I was wearing shorts so I showed him the scar from the surgery I'd had when I broke my leg.

"Cool!" Jack grinned as he examined it. He lifted his scraped knee to show me.

"Nice scab. Good job on that one. It's the other one that'll be cool. How many stitches?"

"Thixth!" He held up six fingers proudly as his caregiver joined us.

"Jack, you know you can't wander off like that. Hello, again," she smiled at me.

"You weren't watching him very closely," Jasper remarked. "He could've been long gone."

"Well, he's safe now. So..."

"Wanna thsee the other one?" Jack lifted the leg of his shorts to peel back the bandage on his stitched knee. There was a bruise, remarkably resembling a hand.

"Woah. Dude." Jasper saw it too. "What happened there?"

Jack turned red and stared at the ground. "I fell," he whispered.

Jaz glanced up at me. "I used to fall a lot myself. Does that happen to you a lot?" He spoke very softly to his brother. Much calmer than I thought he would be.

Jack nodded, still avoiding our eyes.

"Have you seen this?" Jasper addressed the caregiver. "You have an obligation..."

"I know. I have." She spoke stiffly in response to his accusations. "Several times."

Jasper nodded and stood up, looking away now as well.

"So let's have a look at that knee buddy!" I crouched down and examined it. "This is infected," I stated as gently as possible so we wouldn't alienate her entirely.

"They don't send the antibiotic cream every day. That's been mentioned as well." She looked directly at me as she spoke, her eyes pleading. For what? Help for Jack? Or to let it go.

"Have you been back to the doctor Jack? Has he seen this?" He shook his head and put the bandage back in place. It didn't stick; it was an old bandage. "You could take him back to the clinic?"

"Not without permission."

"Really?" I was fuming inside. Why isn't there help for this kid? It seemed the rules were protecting the abuser rather than the child.

"Perhaps if there was another person reporting..." she said softly as she fixed Jack's hat. "Ready to go join the others Jack? We should get going."

Jasper crouched before him to say goodbye. I could see him fighting the urge to hug the child. "I'll see ya buddy. You take care."

"Bye Jathper," he grinned and then turned to hug my legs again. "Bye Edward. Come thsee me again?"

"You bet. Hey, can you hang with Jasper for a minute while I talk to your teacher." He looked skeptical. "We'll be right here," I promised. I got her name and the daycare info. If she could help Carlisle's person, just maybe we could get Jack to a safe place.

"He needs to get out of there!" Jasper was seething as I walked with him to work. "He's doing the same shit to Jack, I know it! Did you see how he couldn't look at us when we saw the bruises? How long did it take me to tell you what my scars were from? Years! And you were the first person I said anything to. He can't live like that. I won't let it go on."

"I know. We'll sort it out."

"I want him out. Now. You heard her! She's reported that she suspects abuse, nothing's been done! We can't wait for them to come around and start an investigation. It'll be too late!"

"With her reports already on file, and Carlisle's friend looking into the medical history, it'll get rolling."

"Edward... I know this sounds crazy, but I want this boy with me. I can take better care of my brother than anyone could because I know...I understand. I can help him. I just have to get him to trust me enough to be able to take him away..."

I stopped in my tracks and held Jasper's arm. "Wait...what?"

"You saw him in the park, he wanders. They don't watch him. If I could get him to come with me..."

"Dude, that's insane! You're gonna kidnap the kid? No! Just...no."

"What else can I do? I know what's gonna happen to him!"

"I know. I know, Jaz." I spoke calmly in an attempt to cool him off as well. "I'll call Carlisle, let him now about the bruise and the infection; see if his friend has uncovered anything. We'll go from there okay? No stupid moves. We'll figure this out together. Okay?"

He nodded but I doubted his sincerity.


	65. Chapter 65

**Chapter 65  
**  
We held a small viewing party Sunday afternoon since Bella had promised I could see their film before they handed it in. It was very casual, come by whenever sort of thing with the premiere to take place at 8. We stocked up on burgers to have the barbecue going for whoever showed up. Bella and I were doing our normal hang time in the hammock when the first guests arrived.

"Big day! I brought cake!" Bree called out as she came through the gate.

I kissed Bella before calling back to Bree. "We love cake!" Kissing Bella once more, I whispered, "Love you even more." We were getting better at sitting up in our favourite make-out spot, but it still wasn't graceful. Bella managed, but I just got flipped out.

"Wow. That's gotta hurt," Bree commented as I let out an involuntary _"hmph!"_ upon landing. "Hope you don't mind, I brought a guest?"

"Riley! Hi!" Bella said, I imagined Riley belonged to the feet I was staring at as I sprawled on my belly. "Of course we don't mind!"

"That's Edward," Bree bent over and stared at me upside down. "This is Riley."

"Hey," I grunted from the ground. I hauled myself up, brushing off the grass clippings. "How ya doing?"

"Riley is my film partner, and since Jaz and Rosalie are in our film, I thought it would be cool to do a double feature."

"Cool." I ran my hand through my hair to remove the grass from there as well. "Where's the cake?"

"Cullen! Jeez, where's your manners?" Bella swatted me and pulled me over to sit with her sideways on our hammock.

"Sorry. So they're in your film? Acting?" I was feeling incredibly left out. I turned my attention to Bella. "Why didn't I know this?"

"It was a last minute thing..." Bella explained.

"They're extras, really. You should be in our next one!"

"Uh..." I chuckled. "Thanks, but no."

"He's shy!" Bella pinched my cheek.

"You perform live, but not in front of a camera?" Riley joined in. "Weird."

"I'm more of a behind the scenes guy...Eclipse being the exception. So...cake?"

Laughing, Bree pointed over at the table on the deck. I got up to see...maybe have a taste...

"I should put it inside; it'll melt." I stopped dead, gawking at the most horrible excuse for a cake I'd ever seen. My finger wasn't even tempted to dip into the icing.

"Well?" She was standing there grinning. Was she proud of this creation? No wonder she loved Bella's truck.

I furrowed my brow in an attempt to be diplomatic. "It's...interesting. What the hell is it?" So much for diplomacy.

"It's a sun! Obviously!"

"Obviously. That explains why it's so...yellow. Okay and those things...?" I pointed to the pink blobs in the centre with a black 'X' through them.

"Pigs, dummy!"

"Ah. Of course." I looked back at Bella who was laughing along with Riley. "That is the strangest decorating I've ever seen."

"It's a culmination of our two films! Don't you get it?"

"Bree! He doesn't know, remember?" Bella laughed.

She slapped her forehead. "Right...so honest opinion then? Is it really ugly?"

"Seven, that is the ugliest fucking cake ever made. Thanks for sharing it with us," I grinned.

She laughed and tried to get me to see pigs when all I saw were blobs. And it served to make me more anxious to see what I'd been left out of.

"Hey, how come you guys didn't go to the gig last night?"

"We were doing other stuff," Bella replied.

"Ah. 'Nuff said!" she winked as Riley chuckled.

In actual fact, we had stayed up half the night looking up things on the computer. We searched children's rights sites and investigated the process of removing a child from his home and how placement was decided. Jasper was determined to have Jack himself, but that would be highly unlikely. We were just as determined to find anything that would give him hope that doing things through the legal system was the best and only option. We went over our findings with him in the morning. He'd been quiet ever since.

"Did you sing?" I asked.

She shook her head. "Jaz seemed off. They played some songs I'd never heard before. It was good...but his heart didn't seem in it."

"He's distracted. And he's here!" I looked over as I heard the side door closing and saw him sauntering out. Maybe he could act after all, he was acting like his usual self pretty good.

"Chicken!" he called out, taunting Bree. "Scared to sing last night 'cause Riley was there?"

"Not! The only thing that has _ever_ scared me is seeing you in make-up!" she teased.

"Okay...make-up?" I asked.

"You'll see!" They all laughed at their private joke.

"You wanna see scary, go check out Seven Nation's cake. Dude!"

They gave Riley the story behind Bree's nickname while I greeted Jane. "I brought champagne to toast the filmmakers," she grinned.

"Thanks!" I gave her a hug and brought her over to the gathering. I was sitting on the deck with her, having a chat when the others arrived.

Jared arrived with Ellie, sans Sam. "He's coming later. He was in a groove with a new song. I got sprung from the house early so I wasn't waiting around. Where's Rose?"

"She's making herself presentable," Jasper winked.

"Can I go see her? Bella? I brought some snacks, where should I put them?"

Bella jumped up and went inside with Ellie, much to my surprise. I turned back to Jane. "So, I haven't heard back from your uncle. Has he said anything?"

"I haven't spoken to him. He was moving onto a new village when I told him about you. They don't always have access to communication online and I haven't wanted to call. He throws himself into the work when they're starting up. He does 18 hour days or more."

"Oh, of course." I blushed as I realized how self-absorbed I was in comparison to my namesake. Of course he had other things occupying him. Why would I be more important? "I can't imagine not having computer access. But I'm spoiled."

Jane grinned at my remarks. "He is really thrilled that you want to communicate. Shocked at first, but then really really happy. I'm sure you'll hear back when he can get online. You should give him your phone number!"

Actually, I wasn't ready for that. I needed time to organize my thoughts, I couldn't do that in a live conversation. Email was a better pace for me for now. I excused myself to help Jasper get the food going.

When viewing time rolled around, we popped the champagne and poured small toasting glasses. Jasper stuck with water. We began with Bree and Riley's film; an adaptation of Orwell's _'Animal Farm'_. Their version had the humans taking control back after the pigs made a mess of things. Clever. And at least the X-ed out pink blobs on her cake made sense.

I was very anxious to see the other one. Bella was sitting on the floor in front of me and she placed her arm on my knee so I'd stop jiggling it. The opening credits rolled:

__

'A Breaking Dawn Production  
For Edward, our inspiration  
YELLOW SUN'

They'd taken the Raconteurs song and turned it into a vampire love story. Jasper was an enamored vampire with a thirst for Bree's character. When he finally came clean with her about his inhuman state, she stunned him with her own confession, they were alike. And then he wasn't so interested. Amusing, entertaining and great placement of the song lyrics in the script. I hugged Bella with pride when it ended.

"Did it suck?" she asked quietly.

"Interesting choice of words for a vampire story," I chuckled. "Honey, it's awesome. You guys did a great job. And a wonderful representation of Jack White's words as well. I loved it."

"Can we put the cake out of it's misery now?" Jasper quipped.

"_Please!_ Seven, you're a much better actress-slash-filmmaker than you are cake decorator. But how bad could it taste? It's _cake_!" I ushered her over to the snack table to do the honours.

She served up ugly little pieces with such enthusiasm, it was difficult to react badly while eating it. Baker, she was not either. I managed to choke it down, thank god it was only a few fork fulls, before she took her first bite.

"Oh! Ick!" She spit it back out on her plate. "Fuck! That's awful! And you _ate_ it?" She cackled at me.

I nodded and reached for a Coke to wash the taste out. "That was not only the ugliest fucking cake, but the worst tasting. Did you mix it with your feet?"

Everyone gratefully tossed their own pieces into the trash bag Ellie produced. I pretended to vomit into it when she got to me. "So, what's next? Or am I gonna be left out of that too," I complained.

"We're merging for the final project." Bella stood with Bree, their arms around each other's waist. "You can help, if you have time."

"I dunno...will Jaz wear make-up again?" I grinned.

"Fuck off," he laughed. "I'm behind the camera on this one.

"Good. 'Cause dude, that one alone is worth 50 years of ribbing."

"I know, I know..."

It was good to see him in better spirits again. He took me aside after everyone had left and asked if I could go check on little Jack the next day. I promised I would. And then I went to check on Bella. She was already nervous about their presentation tomorrow.

"Bella?" I called out at her door before I poked my head in to find her chatting with Bree. "Oh, don't let me interrupt. Great work on your films, Seven. Don't ever attempt another dessert however."

"You don't have to leave on my account!" she insisted.

"Nah, it's okay. I've got stuff to do anyway." I gave Bella a kiss on the head before I headed for my room. I planned to continue giving her space for new friendships. Seven Nation and I got along fine, but I didn't need to be involved all the time. The sound of their chatter and laughter made me feel elated. I wasn't keeping her in my pocket. No, she was there only when she wanted to be, I grinned to myself.

* * *

"Hey. Whatcha doing?" Bella sang from my door some time later.

"Reading this...come see." I pulled her onto my lap and scrolled to the top of the email.

_Edward,_  
_Thank you for your letter. You write beautifully. You've obviously been well educated, as I knew you'd be. But you've got a flair for creativity, I can tell already. _

_I feel I must apologize for not explaining to you straight away that I am constantly on the move and not readily accessible. If you've felt snubbed, believe me, that wasn't my intention._

_In truth, I was glad to be otherwise occupied these past weeks. Your appearance gave me quite a startle and brought back memories I'd long ago tucked away. Thank you for stating your knowledge of the details, I would be fretting over what I should say or not say. You've been discreet with Jane, as well. For the record, I've only ever referred to you as mine. If you'd like her to know the truth, I'll leave that to you. I won't feel as though I've misled her in any way because you were in my heart, always, my son._

_Now, Edward, tell me all about yourself. I want to know every detail, with vivid description if you don't mind. No letter is too long for a fellow writer. And a photo would be nice. You had several missing teeth in my most recent one. I'm quite certain that isn't the case today._

_I will be stationed here for the next several months so now that I'm wired up, communication is a go. I'll inform you if that changes._

_Please give my best to your parents. They're in my thoughts often. Your brother as well. I'd love to see photos of him too when you can._

_Anxiously awaiting your next chapter Edward._

_Always_  
_E M_

"Sweetie..." Bella had tears of happiness for me in her eyes when she hugged me. "I knew he'd write back. Did you reply?"

I shook my head. "No. I've sat here reading it over and over. I don't know where to begin."

"Begin with what you're thinking now. This second...what are you thinking?"

"That I love you. And also that I've got a semi but if you'd shift just an inch, it'd be much better."

"Okay, so you can't write that," she smirked. "I'm sure he's gotten the basics from Jane about school and stuff, so write to him about your thoughts. He seems to be like you in that he puts thought into everything. It's a writer thing."

"Yeah, except we write and talk about our thoughts. _You_, fellow writer, are the exception. You never tell me what you're thinking. I have to drag it from you."

"I'm a private thinker."

"I've noticed."

"It's hard for me, Edward. I'm used to keeping things to myself. I've never known anyone who likes to delve into a person's mind like you do."

"Hello...Alice?" I chuckled.

"Well, yeah," she laughed with me. "Maybe that's why I clam up. Alice does my thinking aloud for me."

"So we should have Alice here with us every time I wanna know what's going on in there?" I placed a soft kiss on her forehead.

"Why do you want to take on everyone else's troubles Edward? And what does it matter what I'm thinking?"

"What does it matter? Bella...you're everything to me. You make everything matter. I'd rather know what your thoughts are than make a guess and fuck up."

Smirking at me, she moved over that inch. "You know, you don't fuck up nearly as much as you think you do." Her hands were in my hair, pulling me in for a kiss. It was sweet rather than passion-filled. When our lips parted, she was chewing on hers. "If you knew all my thoughts, you'd run," she said quietly.

"Never," I whispered back. "I hope some day you'll trust me enough to know that."

Today obviously wasn't that day. She clammed up and hugged me tight before leading me to bed.

* * *

_A/N ~ Seems nothing can distract Jasper from his little brother for long. Change is on the way for all involved. Keep the comments coming! :-) ~ SR_


	66. Chapter 66

**Chapter 66  
**  
I was completely preoccupied at work the next morning. Carlisle had come to pick up Jasper to take him in for a complete physical and to meet a therapist he thought Jaz would feel comfortable with. I could feel his tension myself. Jaz _hated_ talking about the shit he'd been through. He was of the mind that you could wallow in your abuse and use it as an excuse for being a fuck-up your whole life, or get on with it as if it was just another part of life's education and hope you turn out alright. I thought he had...until the incident with his mom. And now little Jack.

Jack...I wondered how he was healing. And if there were new bruises. God...what if there are new bruises?

Carlisle had cautioned me about getting too close, but Jaz would really appreciate if I went over to check on him. I wouldn't take long. If he seemed alright, I wouldn't even let him see me. I'd just let Jaz know he was okay. I begged Jane to cover for me for an hour while I ran to the park when I figured the kids would be there. Of course, she was more than willing to help me out. I had perfect timing as the group had just arrived from the other side of the park as I made my way through.

I spotted him instantly. Away from the others, now limping. Shit. It should be healed by now, not worse! His face lit up when he saw me. Steph, as I'd learned her name was, also grinned and waved to me as I approached.

"How's our tough guy today?"

"I'm okay," he shrugged. She shook her head from behind him. "It'sth a little thore."

"Can I have a look? See how the awesome scar's coming along?" I tried to keep it light for him. He was wearing long pants today so I sat him on a rock nearby to pull the pant leg up. The bandage was disgusting. It didn't look like it had been changed since I'd last seen him.

"I left that on and brought the kit with me." Steph held up a small first aid kit. "I was hoping we'd run into you. I wanted you to see what condition he was sent in."

I nodded up at her as I squatted in front of Jack. "Wow. This does look sore. Can you grab onto my shoulders for a minute buddy? I'm gonna peel this off and give it a wipe down, okay?"

He did as I asked while Steph opened the kit up for me. I put on the gloves before touching him so I wouldn't get any other bacteria in his wound. It was already badly infected. He held me tight as I counted down to the rip off. "Dude! You just about broke my neck!" I teased when his shoulder grip turned into a choking hug.

"Thorry," he whispered as he let go.

I grinned and tipped the peek of his ball cap. "Just joking buddy. You can hold me as tight as you'd like. This will sting a bit, but it will make it better. Ready?" I gently swabbed down the area with the antiseptic wipe as he grimaced and held his breath. "I know Jack. I'm sorry." Once cleaned, I got a better look. One of the stitches had come loose and that region was oozing pus. The infection spread out from there. "What happened here?" I asked him softly.

He stared to shrug and then looked down. "I fell."

"I know buddy, I was here remember? I mean with the stitches. How did it come undone? Did it get caught on your pants or something?"

"Daddy wasth gonna take it out, 'cauth it'sth time."

"Ah. It is time. But shouldn't a doctor do that for you?" Jackass. Goddamn stupid jackass gonna do it himself so they wouldn't see the bruises on his leg. "So what happened then? He couldn't do it?"

"I cried 'cauth it hurt."

"So he stopped so he wouldn't hurt you," I said with hope.

"He thtopped 'cauth I wasth being a baby. Crying. He getsth mad when I'm a baby."

My heart was breaking. He_ is_ a baby! "You know, crying is a part of coping with pain. Do you understand that Jack?"

He shook his head. "Tough guysth don't cry like babiesth."

"I guess I'm a huge wimp 'cause I cried every time I was hurt like this. Still do!" I gave him a wink. "Tell you what, you can cry all you want around me. I'll understand." I applied the all purpose ointment from the kit and applied a new gauze bandage before removing my gloves. I excused myself while I made a call to page Carlisle.

The others were gathering together the kids from Jack's daycare, preparing to leave. "Sorry I took up all your playtime Jack."

He shrugged. "Thisth wasth more fun."

I lifted my eyebrows with both amusement and concern. "Dude, if this was more fun than playing, you need some serious lessons on playtime. I wish you could come hang out with me and my friends. You remember Jasper?"

Jack nodded shyly, hanging on my every word.

"We share a place. And we play...a lot."

"What do you play?"

"Um, music mostly. Jasper's in a band. We have guitars and a piano. And loads of video games. We have a lot of fun together. Hey, tell you what, next time I can arrange it, Jaz will come along and I'll bring my girlfriend too...she really wants to meet you...and we'll all play together. But you have to go now and I really have to get back to work." I lifted him down from the rock and he hugged me tightly as I did. "See you real soon Jack. Take care okay?"

As I ran out of the park, I caught sight of the pharmacy attached to the clinic. This would most likely be where Mr Whitlock had filled Jack's prescription. I went in to see if I could get more for him. The pharmacist called over to the clinic for a repeat authorization and got the approval from the nurse who'd thought I was his brother the day I brought him in.

"Insurance?" She asked after she got it prepared for me.

"Um, I'll just pay for it. I was so careless losing the first one. I don't want my parents knowing about that." I never knew I could be such an effective liar.

"You're sure about this dear? It's $83."

_$83???_ For a little tube of cream? Jesus Christ! And Jaz thinks he can take care of his brother? I had no doubt he'd be emotionally taken care of, but with these kinds of expenses... "Uh, yeah. That's fine." I paid cash so I wouldn't leave a trail. "Thanks so much." I fled with the outrageously priced medicinal cream and returned to the lab. Jane had three people waiting for her as well as the one she was printing off a copy of a lab report for another. Carlisle's call came as I walked in, she waved me off to go talk to him.

"Dad, thanks for calling back...it's Jack..." I explained everything and asked what I could do.

"Oh boy. Edward, you shouldn't be involved. This situation is tricky...but I agree, the boy needs medical care. You did the right thing under the circumstances. Good thinking paying cash."

"Uh, Dad...Jasper's impatient about this. He's..." I hated breaking my friend's confidences but Carlisle had to know. "He's talking about taking Jack. And from what I saw today, god help me, I think I would consider the same."

A heavy sigh came from the other end of the line. "Son, I understand, but please..._please_ don't do anything stupid. I spoke with my colleague earlier and there is sufficient evidence from his medical records to indicate an investigation. Several trips to emergency and no follow-ups on any. This is a pattern. At best though, this would warrant a case of neglect."

"But if they saw him! Dad! If they saw him right now, with the infection and loose stitches and the bruises..."

"Okay son, I'll see if I can get them to push it through. There is no immediate danger to Jack...I'm afraid it won't be priority for them."

"Not even with his medical history? And Mr Whitlock's history of abuse?"

"Sorry to disillusion you son, but this is not a perfect system. There's a lot of red tape to cut through. And there will be more if you guys do something rash and stupid," he warned.

"I know," I replied quietly. "Dad, this kid...if you saw him...he breaks my heart."

"Let me go talk to Marcus about what you've told me and try to put a rush on it. I'll get back to you."

I returned to Jane with a huge apologetic grin. She stuck around to help me with the last three people and then I helped her clean up, confiding the latest ordeal to her. When I left to deliver Jack's medicine to the daycare, she came along.

"I can see why Jasper wants to have him. I'd be the same way," Jane admitted as we left the centre. "I've always wanted a sibling. It would've been so cool if Uncle Edward had you there with us."

I grinned at her confession. "That would've been very cool. I still find it very odd that we've met this way. Like we were destined to be in each other's lives one way or another. I'm really glad you are, Jane." I draped my arm over her shoulder as we cut through the park to meet up with Bella. Jane was so thrilled with the idea of us being cousins, and obviously her uncle was content leaving things as they were in that respect, so I went along enjoying the idea of a cousin myself.

A guy selling flowers approached us. "Your girl looks like she'd be down with some romance my friend," he nudged me as he smiled at Jane.

"Yeah! You totally should get Bella a flower! What's her favourite colour?" Jane casted a coy smile in his direction.

"I dunno..." What a great boyfriend. I seriously had no idea. "What's yours?"

"Red. Definitely."

"Yeah? I don't think Bella's a red girl...I dunno. You pick one for me." I got my wallet out and paid the guy for two. Jane selected a white rose with pink edging for Bella and I pulled a red one from the bucket and passed it to her.

"Awwww! You're so sweet!"

I laughed easily and drew her close again. "You've been more than helpful lately. And a really good friend to me Jane. Thank you."

Blushing, she put an arm around my waist. She held onto both flowers until we got to the bookshop.

Bella was smiling when we walked in. I went over for my kiss and presented her rose. "Jane helped me select it."

"It's beautiful, thank you both." She sniffed it as she admired it. "I just had another visitor."

"Oh?" I was curious about her smug grin.

"Tanya. She was very anxious to tell me about you in the park with that girl from the party...the flowers and all."

"Fuck, I can't even surprise you!"

She laughed and gave me another kiss. "You've got a full-fledged stalker Cullen. Scared?"

"Only that she'll keep messing with you. What did you say when she told you?"

"I laughed. She was _pissed._"

"I didn't even see her today...did you?" Jane shook her head at my query. "Maybe I should be scared."

"She's just playing games. She wants you, 'cause you're so cute!" Bella was enjoying teasing me about Tanya again.

"She's annoying. If she likes me, why does she go out of her way to annoy me? I don't understand girls."

"She's trying to pull you and Bella apart so she can swoop in," Jane explained. "Childish."

"Very," I concurred as I gave Bella my crooked grin. "We've been down this path before."

"We end up at a different place though Cullen. I'm not pushing you away this time. In fact, it only makes me want you more."

"He's so coveted." Jane was teasing me now too. Both girls giggled at my dilemma. It was much easier to handle this bullshit now that I had bigger issues. I laughed along with them and escorted both ladies to dinner.

* * *

It was a week of frustration. Jasper was bugging me to go see Jack with him everyday. I had mid-terms going on for three classes and Carlisle urging me to keep a respectable distance from the touchy situation with Jack. He'd been advised that if Jasper and I were to get too involved, we could be accused of having swayed Jack...planting things in his mind that weren't true. Whatever. It was all bullshit. I missed the little guy and I worried about him.

I worried about Jasper as well. On one hand he was more determined to get his life straightened out than ever. He was attending therapy sessions regularly and had not touched a joint or booze for weeks. All good things for Jaz, but he was obsessed with his little brother. Jack was constantly on his mind and I could see his impatience growing daily.

On Thursday, my class' test was scheduled early and I'd have the rest of the day to myself. I agreed to go to the park with Jaz. Bella was coming along this time too. She'd finally get to see why he tugged at my heart so much.

They met me at the lab and Bella and I tried to keep Jaz calm through distraction. We planned our meals for the next few days and created a mental shopping list.

Jasper was a bundle of nerves when we got to our destination and Jack was nowhere to be seen. "Maybe he didn't come today. What if he's hurt?"

"I'll find Steph and ask her where he is." But she was nowhere to be found either. Another one of the workers approached us when I'd given up and told me Steph had taken Jack back to the centre because he wasn't feeling well. Thanking her, all three of us fled towards the daycare. I paged Carlisle on the way, just in case.

Jack was laying on a cot while Steph stroked his head. "His stomach's upset. He's burning up. I called home for someone to come get him, no answer."

I went to him instantly. He was burning with fever. And sleepy. I didn't get my normal reaction from him. "Jack? Can you hear me?" I asked quietly as felt his forehead. He nodded slightly. "Remember me?"

"Edward..." His voice was raspy. Weak.

"Can you get him some water? Not cold, if you have any at room temperature, that's better," I instructed Steph. "Not feeling well pal? Can you tell me what hurts?"

"My tummy."

"Did that just start now?"

He shook his head as Steph returned with a bottle of water and a bag of supplies. "He hasn't been well all day. Yesterday wasn't good either. The fever is worse today though. And before you ask, no. We've not given him anything for it because they're not supposed to be here with a fever but I couldn't turn him away this morning when his father dropped him off. Something told me he needed to be here today."

I nodded my understanding. "He's overdressed. It's hot today, why is he in long pants? Does he have a change of clothes here?"

Steph quickly ran to the office where they stored the extras and came out with some lighter clothes for him. I helped him get up so he could change. He was very weak and wobbly. As we eased his jeans down for him, he cried out and I glanced down. His entire leg from the knee up was red aside from the angry purple and blue bruises. New and old.

_"For fuck sake!"_ Jasper exclaimed. Bella took hold of his arm instantly, trying to soothe him.

"Jaz..." I cautioned him to stay calm as my phone rang. "Can you get that? Talk to my dad."

Jasper took another long look at his brother as he answered the call. He went off to the side to speak in private. Bella came to my side and helped me get Jack back up on the cot. He wasn't doing well at all.

"Do you want some water sweetie?" Bella asked him as she wiped his forehead down. She held his upper body and gave him little sips before resting his head on her lap. "He's burning, Edward."

"I know." I pulled the ThermoScan out of Steph's medical bag and checked what his temperature actually was. She was now on the phone with Carlisle and Jaz came back to us. "Shit," I hissed when I saw the reading.

"Edward? Your dad needs to speak with you, I'll stay with Jack." Steph passed my phone over and I walked directly outside with it.

"Dad. He's in bad shape..."

"They've told me. Is he lucid?"

"Not so much. He knows me. Knows my name but he's very lethargic."

"Temperature?"

"Dad... 105.7."

"Call 911."

"Seriously?"

"That's far too high. He could have a seizure at any time. This is a warranted emergency. The daycare had no choice. Have Steph make the call. Now. I'm on my way. I'll meet you at the hospital."


	67. Chapter 67

**Chapter 67**

Jack spent the next several days in the hospital. His leg was so bad, the infection spread into his blood. Jasper only left to shower and change clothes. Even when visiting hours ended, he'd come back and wait in the ER waiting room in case something happened. Jack was in the protective custody of child services and his father was not to have contact. Jaz would ensure that at all costs. The three of us took turns with Jasper at night and my parents were there each day.

"I want him Carlisle. No one will take better care of my brother." Jasper was set on this once he heard the news that Jack's mother had abandoned them last year. He would go into the foster care program.

"Honey, they won't even consider you right now I'm afraid," Esme gently explained. "You have no means of support for him."

"I'll get a full-time permanent job. I can't do any worse than our old man."

"You're finishing school Jasper Whitlock!" Esme demanded and then softened her voice again. "Honey, think this through...you'll be in a much better position to gain custody once you graduate. You'll have a year to spend time with Jack, child services can observe and you show them you can do this."

"I can!"

"We know that son," Carlisle patted his shoulder reassuringly. "I've arranged a meeting for you. Tomorrow. The agent in charge of Jack's case will go over the requirements with you."

"I care take care of him! I know what he's been through!"

"Jaz..." Carlisle pulled a chair up to sit directly in front of him. He never called him 'Jaz'. This couldn't be good. "That may actually be a hindrance. I want you to be prepared for that."

"What? Why?"

"That doesn't make sense Dad!" I backed my friend.

"It does if you consider it. Abuse victims are not always stable. I'm not saying that's the case with you, Jasper. But it's something they have to look into. And you're not married. You'd be a single parent."

"Rosalie wants him too. We'll get married."

Jasper was the most laid-back person I'd ever known. For him to be so fired up about this and prepared to make permanent life changes, he was certainly determined to make this happen. I took my turn with him at the hospital that night after letting Professor Davis and Jane know that I wouldn't be at work the next day. I took the opportunity to write Edward Masen a long reply to his last email. Rather than telling him what I figured Jane could, I wrote about my relationships. My friends. It was like my own therapy, getting all of my feelings about my friends out that way. His reply came almost instantly.

_You have all the compassion and warmth your mother did. I'm proud of who you are.  
Tell me more._

_E M_

So I did...

* * *

_Edward,  
I'm still at the hospital, feeling like we've somehow stepped into a new universe. A month ago, we were partying, working students and now that's the furthest thing from our minds. How did that happen? Is that part of our youth over with - just like that? It's quite daunting to see how quickly things can change. However, this revelation is not new._

_I didn't tell you that when I found out about my adoption, I seriously considered dropping medicine altogether. This is what I'm good at, what I know. But words are my passion. I can have a love affair with individual words. Certain phrases can make me rethink the whole meaning of life. Books are my solace; writing, my sanity._

_I guess I'm telling you this because I believe you and I have proven the theory that it is never too early to introduce books and words and knowledge in life. I believe your love of literature was well-placed inside of me. Maybe you saw that in me right from the beginning._

_This past week, I've come to realize that I've been wrong. I find solace in medicine as well. For awhile, I thought that it was because of my connection to Jack that I felt so good about helping him, taking care of him, making him feel better. But he was just a random boy in the park when we met. I would have done the same, felt the same, for any child in need. Is it possible to have two passions?_

_Or three?_

_Bella is that third, or my first? They are in no set order, my passions. All vastly different yet equal. Bella is a Lit major herself. She confessed to being disappointed in me that I'd chosen the stability of medicine over my love of writing...until she knew me better. Bella knows me like no one else has. She's the only girl I've given my heart, mind, body and soul to and she seems to take it all and pass the best back to me. Bella makes me see things in myself that I couldn't otherwise. She loves my poetry. But encourages my nurturing side. It's corny, but she completes me._

_You have to meet her someday, to see for yourself, how amazing she is. There are no words known to me to explain what she means to me. I think that puts her as my first passion?_

_And she's just arrived...I should go. Thank you for being my sounding board. I've been writing these sorts of letters to myself for years, as a release. My journal doesn't send me responses however. For the second time in my life, you've come in at the perfect moment._

_Thank you._  
_Edward_

* * *

Bella and Esme stayed with Jack while the four of us went to the building next door for Jasper's meeting. Carlisle went in with him, I waited with Rosalie.

"How've you been? We haven't had much chance to talk. This happened so fast."

Rosalie grabbed onto my hand. "It's so weird Edward. I'm worried about Jaz, and yet, I think this is good for him. It's pushing him into dealing with his past rather than stepping over it. There's hope that he'll see what we've all seen in him for years."

I grinned at Rose, in complete agreement. While Jasper exuded confidence, his self-worth was sorely lacking. Until he got the years of damaging words out of his head, he'd never be able to understand that he is every bit as good as we all see him as. "And Jack?" I posed my question carefully since I didn't know if Jasper had just spurted out the marriage thing or if he'd actually talked to her about that possibility. "Are you ready to raise him with Jasper if he presses the issue and actually wins?"

She squeezed my hand as her eyes lit up. "God, I never thought it was possible to instantly love someone. I understand Esme completely when she says she fell in love with you the moment she saw you. How you've always felt like you were her own...I feel like that now. I loved Jack instantly. He so vulnerable. It's heartbreaking."

"I know," I replied quietly.

"Now that I've spent these past few days with him, I love him even more. He's so brave and yet you can see he's scared behind those eyes. Those lashes!" Rosalie smiled widely, thinking of his cherubic face. "God he's adorable."

"I know," I repeated, laughing this time. "Kid's definitely inherited his brother's charisma." I waited a moment before restated my question. "So we all love him, but are you ready to raise him?"

She paused before replying. "This minute? I don't think I am. But it's made me realize I need to work through some of my own garbage, just like Jaz. Esme told me they'll arrange for my own therapy sessions. I want to be ready, when it comes time for Jack to be with us."

I held her in a tight hug. "That's awesome Rosie. Really." I pulled back to look at her. "You're not at all the person I thought you'd be as a grown up. I actually kinda like you." I elbowed her in the side. "And I admire the hell out of you."

"Bite me Edward," she laughed.

I leaned in with a grin, considering it when the inner office door opened. We both turned serious and stood as Carlisle thanked the agency officer. Jasper wore an odd expression that I couldn't read. Rose glanced at me, obviously confused by his look as well. We left hastily and the minute we reached the parking lot, Jasper grabbed onto Carlisle in a fierce hug. It was returned by Carlisle, who held him while he sobbed. Rose and I stood by helplessly. We'd both had moments like this with him, alone, but Jaz had never shown this level of emotion with my family.

"Thank you," he wept. "You can't know what this means...I...you've always been, both of you are...you're my..."

"It's okay Jasper," Carlisle spoke soothingly. "We feel the same about you. Always have."

"It's one thing to take...to do what you've done for me this far. Everything...I never tell you what it means..."

"You don't have to son."

Jasper was full out sobbing and Rosalie clung to me, not wanting to interrupt their moment but desperately wanting to reach out to Jaz.

"Pops...I can never thank you enough." He pulled away to wipe his face, staring at the ground. "Seriously. This is...will she go for it?"

Carlisle winked at us as he draped an arm over Jasper's shoulder. "Let's go see Esme."

Jack was sleeping when we reached his room. Carlisle motioned for Esme and Bella to join us in the hall and then we went to the family room.

"So," Carlisle turned to us as a group, his arm around a glowing Esme. "There's some details to iron out, but hopefully very soon Jack will be coming home with us."

"Seriously?" Rose cried out before hugging Jasper.

"Esme, I didn't get to talk to you about this. Are you okay with it?"

"Of course! Jasper, honey, you don't think this is something my husband and I haven't already discussed at length? We'd do anything to help you kids, you know that. And Jack...he's such a sweet boy. We love him to bits already! We're happy to take care of him until you're ready to do that yourself. It's a lifelong commitment Jasper. Our children are always our children and it's a commitment we're more than willing to make for all of you."

"I love you. I know I come off as a smartass every time you help me instead of telling you how I really feel..."

"We know honey. We just know." She hugged him tightly. "Can you finally understand that we love you too? Always have Jasper."

"I know. I see that now. Thank you." He wiped as his eyes. "Damn! Sorry... I don't wanna cry again."

I took Bella's hand and led her out into the hall.

"Did you know about this?" she asked, wide-eyed.

"No. But I'm not shocked by it." I grinned thinking of what Emmett's reaction would be to another addition. "How is he today?"

"Adorable! He's so shy but you can see this little imp dying to get out," she grinned. "He'll do great with your folks. I'm so happy for Jaz."

* * *

Though relieved and much more content, Jasper remained distracted long after his brother was released from the hospital into temporary foster care. It would be another month before he could go home with my family. Jasper also had a hearing to attend in regards to testifying about his own abuse at the hands of their father. He and Rose were busy dealing with their issues and it seemed the fun days of just hanging with friends were over.

The best part of the remainder of the summer was that I picked up some of the slack for Jasper with their second film. It was fun working on it with Bella. Bree and Riley were pretty cool too.

I was writing to Edward more regularly than I wrote in my journal and completely at ease with him. Though there was one thing I wanted to discuss that he only brought up once and let it drop...Elizabeth. That was in response to my Bella letters. I told him everything...from our fallout over Jake to my feeling that I could never be with anyone else after loving this one person so intensely. He compared our relationship to his own with Elizabeth. He had never remarried; never found anyone he could replace her with. I was sad for him. But he didn't voice any regrets.

Bella became very experimental over the summer with our physical relationship. More days than not, I wandered around in a daze. Dog-assed tired but really fucking fulfilled. We spent very few nights in separate rooms. She'd developed a sort of competition with Rose and so many of those nights together were spent in Bella's room for the sound effects. I'd get a wink or an occasional pat on the bum from Rosalie after a particularly good night but otherwise, she was being respectful of Bella's property...me.

On the weekend that Jack became a legal foster child to my parents, we all went home to celebrate with him. Jaz booked off from his gig to spend the whole weekend. Rose took Friday off from the bank as well and they took the train so they'd be there when Jack arrived in the morning. Bella and I still had to work.

"Wanna go tonight?" I asked anxiously when I met her after work. She was finishing up closing the store.

She shook her head with an evil grin. "I have other plans for you Cullen."

Her plans began in the bookshop and led me through an ecstatic tour of the house once we made it there. "God, you're killing me!" I chuckled as I rolled off her on the couch, tumbling to the floor.

She climbed down and sat on me, leaning over to stroke my glistening face. "You always say you want to know what I'm thinking..." she purred seductively.

I sighed and pulled her down for a kiss. "And I'm assuming that means your lust for my penis is on your mind."

"That...and all things Cullen."

I smiled and pulled the wet strand of hair clung to her neck back. "It's really damn hot inside. Wanna go out? Sleep outside tonight?"

Our previous energetic antics had left us drained, so when we finally attempted sex in our hammock, it was slow and quite manageable.

"No one was injured in tonight's show, but please...don't attempt this at home," I joked as we cuddled afterwards. We only got a few hours sleep before another quickie in the morning followed by a steamy shower. I wanted to doze in the truck, but my nerves were on edge so that didn't happen.

"What's on Bella's mind now?" I asked teasingly to break the silence and distract myself from nerves.

She looked sideways at me, rolling her eyes. "I told you."

"Did I fall asleep and miss something? When did you tell me? What did you tell me?"

"Last night," she replied curtly.

"Okay. That was last night. I'm asking about now. This second."

"You're annoying," she giggled. "_This second,_ that's what I'm thinking."

"Fair enough," I laughed with her before continuing to be a pest. "And before that?"

"Like I said last night...all things Cullen."

"That's it? That's what you think about? 24/7...that's it?"

"Told you, you didn't want to know." She was chewing on her fingernail and switched to her lip when she needed both hands to make a turn. She glanced over at me again when I didn't reply. "Scared?"

"Of...?"

"Edward..." She sighed in frustration.

"Bella...what should I be scared of?" I asked softly. She seemed agitated, not merely annoyed. "Please tell me so I don't keep pissing you off."

Sighing again, she released her lip and took another look over at me. "It should frighten you that I'm completely wrapped up in you. That everything I do, makes me think of you. What should I have for lunch; what would Edward like? What am I gonna wear today; Edward's shirt from yesterday will still smell like him...I'll wear that. Would Edward approve of this scene I've written? Does Edward like my hair this way? Where is Edward right now? What's he doing in his room? Is he working? Reading? Playing with himself?" She continued rambling and then sighed. "Is that appealing in any way? I live with you and I still stalk you."

"You don't stalk me Bella..." I chuckled.

"Whatever."

"You seriously think that? And do you think you're not on my mind 90% of every day?"

"Ah. Only 90 huh? Well I trump you. 100% Cullen baby."

"It makes you unhappy," I stated quietly. Shit. It had become what I'd feared happening early on...

"No. No! Cullen...you don't get it. I love you so much it's...I dunno. I get scared sometimes. Like, what if I can't get through a day without you? How am I gonna cope next year? And who the hell would want a chick so completely absorbed in one guy that they can't function without him?"

"Bella...honey..." I turned my body to face her. "You can function without me, but you don't have to. I love you. You're the most important thing in my life..."

"You have other things Edward! This is what I'm saying...I _only_ want you! It's not healthy!"

I did some lip chewing of my own. "What are you saying Bella? I don't understand...you have me. If you're worried about next year, I can take a year off before med school; wait until you're done..."

"No! Sweetie, no..." She shook her head in frustration.

"Has this gotten too serious for you Bella? Am I too much?" Did she want to back things up? Slow down? _Break up?_ Shit!

"Edward..."

_Shit!_ "Bella, I'll do whatever you want..."

"That's not helping."

"What will? What do you need? More time together? More time on your own?" _Please don't break up with me please don't break up with me please don't break up with me...  
_  
She pulled into my parents' driveway and turned off the engine before turning to me. "This weekend will help," she smiled somewhat convincingly. "My mind will be on other things. Let's go find Jack!"

* * *

_A/N ~ Now that Jasper is sorted out and Jack is safe, Bella begins to feel her own insecurities. Who will she turn to for help dealing with that? More soon... :-) ~ SR_


	68. Chapter 68

**Chapter 68**

We didn't have far to look; Jack was attached to my legs the minute we walked in and for a good while afterwards. He looked healthy and happy. So did his big brother, who was covered in paint.

"What are you guys up to?" I asked after giving Jack a hug.

"We're making my room! Jathper said we can make it whatever colour I like and when he'sth done prying it, we'll go pick a colour!" Jack was very excited.

"It's priming, Jack. With an 'm'." Jasper corrected him and ruffled his hair. "Hey, maybe Bella and Edward would like to see your bike! The sooner I finish priming, the sooner we get paint shopping."

"Okay! It'sth in the back! You won't believe it! There'sth a lake back there!"

We exchanged a grin before following him outside where the others were gathered. Esme greeted us with her usual huge smile and hug. "Your dad had to go into work. He said to give his regrets."

"That's okay. We'll see him later." Jack tugged at my hand while gripping my leg. "One minute please buddy. I have to hug my mom again. She gives the best hugs!" I picked him up so we could hug her together. "See? But I don't want to force my personal opinion on you. Everyone here gives great hugs. You should go check it out." I set him down and watched as he went from one to the next, giggling shyly each time. "Well? Who's you're best hugger?"

"You!" He launched himself at me again as I laughed.

"You know what though," Bella crouched down to speak with Jack. "You missed someone. Jasper's a great hugger too."

"Really?" Jack asked earnestly.

"Dude! He's an awesome hugger! You should go check it out."

Jack shook his head. "I'll get in Jathper's way."

"Jack, one thing I know, you will never be in Jasper's way. I promise you." Esme joined him and Bella. "Why don't we go see for yourself?"

Each took a hand and escorted him upstairs. I followed because the kid had this magnetic charge for me. Bella hung back in the doorway while Esme took Jack over for the hug test.

"Edward, we should talk," she whispered. I tilted my head towards my room and she pulled me inside before continuing in hushed tones. "Maybe you should back off with Jack a little bit."

I raised my brow in confusion. "What did I do?"

"Nothing. It's just...Jack's really attached to you..."

"It's from the park, because I took care of him when he fell," I explained.

"I know that. But he's Jasper's brother. Don't you think you should let them have a chance to get closer?"

Jack wasn't aware of the blood relationship. He was too young to fully understand and everything was so new to him it had been decided that they'd wait to tell him. "They are spending time together. Look what they've done with Jasper's room...he's making it Jack's."

"Time together is one thing...I'm talking about bonding, Edward. So far, it's all you."

I gave that some consideration. Jack trusted me. What was wrong with that? His brother had, and does, as well. Was I being overbearing with him? I'd thought I was making him feel comfortable. I couldn't help it if he likes me more... _Oh._"Has Jaz said anything about it?"

Bella looked down, half of her lip between her teeth. Damn.

"He has. What?"

She shook her head. "He just feels bad sometimes, watching you together. He wants the kind if easy laughs and affection you get from him. That's all."

"It's not intentional. I don't want to take anything from Jaz!"

"I know. I just think Jasper really needs to feel like Jack is connected to him as well. You know?"

I shook my head and sighed. "Sure." Why hadn't Jasper said anything to me? Bella kissed my chin as I started to slip into a sulk. That brought me around. "Looking good Jaz!" I commented on the work he'd done. "Need a hand?"

"Love one. It's not covering so well. I thought we'd be done by now. The store's gonna close..."

"I can take him!" Bella volunteered.

"Yeah?" Jaz grinned. "Wanna go paint shopping with Bella, Jack? You can chose any colour at all and tomorrow, you can paint with me."

Jack gave his toothless grin and high-fived his brother.

"Come on then! This is gonna be cool. Have you seen my truck?"

"Bella, not the truck. Take the car," I advised.

She gave me an angry look. "You think he's not safe with me?"

"Of course he is! I'm just saying, he needs his booster seat. And that's in the car. And he can't ride up front anyway, so...take the car."

She nodded, cheeks flushed red as she took Jack's hand. "Come on dude. Maybe we'll stop for ice cream while we're out. Hey! I think we should ask Rosalie to come along. She's a pro shopper. What do you think?"

I watched her lead Jack down the stairs and caught the cold draft she was very obviously sending my way. What the fuck did I do now?

* * *

We had the prime coat laid down when the girls returned with Jack. Every boy needed an afternoon with those two - lucky kid. He came back very chatty and full of energy.

"How much sugar did he have?" Esme chastised as she watched him running through the yard.

The girls smiled innocently. "Kid's got superb taste. You guys'll be busy tomorrow!" Rose teased.

"And you had no influence over his selection, right?" Jasper smirked as he kissed Rosalie.

"None baby. Jack's a man of decision. He knew what he wanted and we just granted his wishes. Right Bella?"

"Absolutely!" She nodded in agreement. Coming nearer, she reached her hand out for me and I pulled her over for a hug. "You were right about car versus truck. He is safer. Sorry."

I simply kissed her head and let it go. "You were right about letting Jaz take over for me with Jack too. I'm too involved. Sorry."

"I'm taking Jack for a bike ride!" Emmett announced with Jack thrown over his shoulder. "Kid's gotta burn off some of this energy!"

"Be careful!" Esme called out.

"Watch him Em!" I warned at the same time. Bella gave my waist a pinch to remind me about what I'd just finished saying. I grinned sheepishly as I held her, turning my back to Jack. I spent the rest of the day trying to not even notice him but damn! I was drawn to him and no matter how hard I tried, he captured my attention over and over. And then he'd grin at me so adorably or climb up on my lap and snuggle in, drawing looks of warning from Bella and envy from Jaz. Jesus!

"I can't completely ignore him Bella!" I whispered angrily once everyone had gone to bed. "What am I supposed to do? Push him off me? Not talk to him? We agreed we were friends even before I knew who he was! I can't do that to him!"

"Of course not! Don't be defensive, Edward. Just know that it hurts Jaz every time he turns away from him to go to you."

"Okay! So I know. I feel like shit. Is that better?" When did Bella become Jasper's spokesperson? When did my best friend stop telling me himself when he was upset by something? And then there was Jack, himself. He did nothing to warrant the abuse or neglect and now I had a choice of hurting him or my best friend. Why do I get myself in these situations?

We went to bed, but neither of us slept worth a damn.

The next day, I feigned a sleep-in while my family had breakfast. Esme saved me a plate and I ate alone. Everyone was spread out between the family room and the patio so once I ate and washed up my dishes, I went to join them. I carefully selected my seat, next to my brother.

"You don't look like brothersth," Jack commented as he climbed on me.

"Thank god! Can you imagine me being as ugly as him?" Emmett joked, jabbing me with his elbow while he winked at Jack.

"Jack, that's because I'm adopted," I explained as all heads turned my way. "Do you know what that means?"

He shook his head, his eyes filled with wonder.

"It means we have different parents originally. Mine couldn't take care of me so I got new ones. And now _they're_ my parents, as well as Emmett's."

"And me?"

"And you," I smiled.

"We're brothersth now!"

"Cool! I guess we are. And Em's your brother and you know who else? Jasper. He came to live with us just like you now. We're all brothers but I think Jaz being the newest brother before you should be your best brother. Em's mine 'cause we had to put up with each other longer."

Jack hung on my every word. I didn't know if he understood, but I got several approving smiles from others. Rosalie left the room before her tears got the better of her. "Jathper gived me histh room," he said proudly.

"See? He's your best brother! Emmett's never given me his room. I wasn't even allowed in his room for awhile."

"Then Jathper's your bestht too!"

Emmett howled with laughter and threw Jack across his back for tickles and giggles. "Don't listen to him...we're all best brothers. All four of us. Though you just might be my favourite."

"Play nice boys," Esme said softly as she smiled. "No favourites in this family."

"Sure Mom," Emmett grinned and then whispered to Jack. "But secretly, we know the truth." They bumped fists and Jack ran over to Jasper to see what he thought.

"Is Edward your bestht or Emmett?"

"Dude...you heard Mops. No favourites." He leaned down for a private chat with Jack too. "But Edward is the best friend anyone could ever have. I'll tell you that straight up buddy."

I stood hastily to join Rose's tear parade. "I'm so fucking confused," I moaned as Rosalie patted my shoulder.

"Shhh. Don't swear."

I smirked at her. "Growing up are we?"

"Bite me!" she whispered with her sly grin. "I know you're in a tough spot baby. It's not fair. Jaz knows how it is...but you can understand how he could feel left out right? Not only does his brother like you more, but you like his brother more than him too."

My eyes widened. "Is that what he thinks? Honestly?"

She hugged me. "He doesn't use those words but I know what's in his heart. You've been drifting..."

"Only because we've got so much shit to deal with! It's nothing to do with Jack or anyone else."

"Swearing Edward."

"Sorry. You know that, don't you? Rosie...I'm spread pretty thin here. I can't be everywhere at once."

She looked at me incredulously. "Nobody's ever asked you to." With that, she walked out on me.

"Incredible!" I chuckled to myself. They think I'm a fucking martyr? That I give a shit because it makes me feel better?

"Talking to yourself still, I see," Alice teased as she grabbed a juice box from the fridge. "There's much better company out there you know."

"Hmph," I grumbled.

"Someone needs some lovin'." She wrapped her arms around me and I was amazed at how good it felt as I held her in return. I didn't have to worry about the hot/cold treatment I got from Bella at times, or being punched as Rosalie would. It was just comfort.

"Love you Al," I whispered into her hair. She pulled back from our embrace and studied my face, my body language, my motives. Fuck. _Here we go..._"Look, before you get into some big analysis or misinterpret that..."

"I could misinterpret that? Did you mean something different than what you said?"

"No..."

"Then it is what it is. What does it mean to you?"

_Fucksake..._ I sighed heavily as I ran my hand through my hair. "It means I love you. I care about you. You're a friend and sister-like...you're family, pretty much...I just wanted you to know."

"I knew that already. You felt a need to reinforce that. Why?"

"_Argh!_ Alice! You drive me crazy with this!"

"Is that because you face the truth when it's laid out for you this way?"

"No, it's because you take a simple thing and turn it into some huge meaningful break-through. When really, it's not. You know I care about you so it's no big revelation. It's simply me re-stating a fact because I'm..._argh_!" I tugged at my hair some more.

"Because you're what Edward?" Alice said softly as she pulled my hands down and held them.

"Because I'm feeling..."

She gave me her pixie grin. "Feeling..."

"Misunderstood."

She nodded and stretched up to kiss my cheek. "Love you too."

I gave her my raised eyebrow smirk.

"You know, I care about you, you're my friend...practically family!" she teased. "Seriously. I do love you. Need to talk?"

"No. I just needed a hug. And you ruined it thankyouverymuch," I smirked.

"Oh, come here then..."

"I'm not saying a word!" I laughed as we embraced again.

"Hey you two!" Bella's voice broke us apart. "You're wanted in the other room if you can manage to break it up."

I swallowed hard and tried to slow my racing heart. Why did I feel guilty? "It was just a hug..." I mumbled.

Bella frowned. "Okay...that's what I saw too. But you feel a need to explain it so now it makes me think it was something more?"

Fuck! Fuck fuck FUCK! Say as little as possible Cullen. "No. Just a hug." I bent and kissed her forehead, my thumb caressing her jawline. "Should we go join the others?"

"Jack wants to learn piano," Alice called out from the bench where she sat with him.

"Well, you're barking up the wrong tree with Alice!" I teased. "Jaz can teach you."

"Nah. You're the piano man. I call guitar, when he's ready." Jasper seemed very sincere so I shoved Alice over and sat with Jack on my lap.

"Hmm. What can I show you... Wait, I know. This one's simple. You can practice when I'm not here and show me next time we visit. I put my hands over his tiny fingers and placed them on the keys. "Gentle taps, okay? Twinkle, twinkle little star..."

"Thsilly! That'sth the alphabet thsong!" Jack giggled.

I frowned as I chuckled with him. "I guess it is. Oh! I've got something much more fun! Same tune, different words okay? Ready?" I set his fingers up again to play. "Hydrogen, helium, lithium too. Beryllium, boron and carbon are cool..."

Everyone cracked up and Jack gave me the cutest WTF look. "No? Okay, you don't like my song. That's cool. That's alright. We'll go with yours. _Abcd...e...f...g.._."

* * *

_A/N ~ Edward; misunderstood or whiny and oversensitive? Whichever you think, it's not over for him yet.  
Bella; bitchy or just taking a friend into consideration? She's not nearly done either.  
They could definitely use some adult playtime, but when they're both in a bad mood, it never works out for them... More soon! ~ SR_


	69. Chapter 69

**Chapter 69**

"Are you sure you can't stay?" Esme pleaded when we hugged her goodbye after dinner.

"Mmm no. Sorry. Bella has to work and I've got so much to do at the lab."

"But summer term is over!"

"Exactly. Which means fall term is right around the corner and we have to get prepared," I explained.

"Don't pester them honey," Carlisle said as he wrapped his arms around her. "Edward will be a busy man with his own classes starting. The more he gets done for work now, the better."

I smiled in appreciation for Carlisle's understanding. "Sorry I won't be here to help you with the painting Jaz." The primer hadn't fully dried so we couldn't paint as planned. He was sticking around to get it done.

"Alice and Em are gonna help. And Jack of course!" He leaned down and gave him a tickle.

"I'm coming down soon to apartment hunt. Let me know when you're not working so you can come!" Alice said to Bella.

"Oh! Talk to Laurent! His summer renters bailed on him completely for the upstairs apartment. You should talk to him before he rents it out!"

"Seriously?"

"We'll put in a good word for you," I grinned.

"Eeee!" she squealed. "Love you guys. Call me!"

I knelt down to hug Jack. "See ya buddy. Make sure you practice! If you get that song, I'll show you more next time okay?"

When he released my neck, I stood and hugged Jasper, motioning to Jack. "See?" I whispered. "Great hugger." I chuckled to myself as I belted myself in the Red Monster.

"What?" Bella asked.

"I was just thinking, Charlie would love it if Alice moved in. Then you could room with her again."

"Is that what you want?"

"No!" I retorted. "No! It was a joke. Of course I don't want you moving out." Shit. Is that what _she_ wanted?

She grinned at my joke. "It would make it less convenient to..."

"Attempt porn sex?" I grinned back.

"Exactly! Then again, with Alice right upstairs, you'll be ready 24/7."

"Huh?"

"Joke Cullen. Relax."

"Bella, seriously...don't be jealous of Alice _now_. That's ridiculous!"

"It _is_ ridiculous!" she snapped at me. "Why would I be jealous? She could've had you. She didn't want you. Her loss."

And then it hit me. I'd never told Bella of the one conversation Alice and I had when we confessed our true feelings from back in the day. Had Alice? Was she testing me? If so, that was a dirty trick. If not, now was not the time to come clean.

"I'm sorry," Bella said gently when I didn't respond. "That was a low blow."

"It's fine. I'm completely over it. Hey? What colour did Jack pick anyway? For his room, I mean?" A subject change was in order.

"You'll have to wait until we visit again...which will be soon, I'd imagine."

"You're into secrets lately," I teased. "Anything else you're keeping from me?"

"Hmmm...well, I was thinking of another piercing..."

I gulped and then giggled. "Bella...you didn't..._**SHIT!**_" I screamed as the truck hit a muddy patch on the road and skidded.

"Fuck! Cullen, don't _scream _like that! I was in control of the truck but you startled me!"

"Nobody can control this piece of shit Bella! It's a deathtrap!"

"Okay!" She screeched to a sudden stop. "Let's do this."

I fought the urge to vomit and held my grip on the dashboard. "Do what Bella," I croaked out.

"You obviously harbour a deep resentment towards this truck and I want to know why. Are you jealous?"

"Of a truck? That's ridiculous! Why would I be jealous of a truck?"

"Oh, so it's ridiculous for me to be jealous of you with a girl you were in love with and ridiculous for you to be jealous of a truck my ex fixed up for me. I guess I'm just fucking ridiculous."

"Wait...I wasn't in love with Alice..."

"Edward, please! I may be ridiculous, but I'm not a complete moron. You told me you were in love with her! Am I supposed to have forgotten that?"

"When I told you that, I _thought_ I was. It's different now."

"Yeah yeah. I know. You're completely over it. I'm just being_ ridiculous_."

"Now who's hung up on a fucking word?" I knew pointing that out would anger her more, but it was out before I could hold it in.

She pounded on the steering wheel in frustration. "Why then? Why do you hate it if it's not because of Jacob?"

"Uh, because it's death on wheels? It's not safe! A vehicle should not shimmy like a blender if it drives under 50. And when you cut the engine, it should fucking _stop!_ That's it! Ride over, end of story! This thing runs on like it's possessed! And the backfiring...Jesus. I shit myself every time we stop! It leaks crap all over the driveway and the rust... You could get poisoned by a rust splinter just trying to open the fucking door that sticks unless you stand just so... On one leg, leaning to the left with your head twisted to the side and say the magic fucking word!" I was on a roll so I let it all out as she stared on, angrily tapping the steering wheel. "Is that reason enough?"

"You're a snob Edward."

I snorted. "A snob? Surely you mean knob. That, I'll admit to."

"You're both right now, actually."

"I'm a snob? How do you figure?"

"It's not a brand new shiny import so it's a piece of shit. End of story. Well, I'm sorry that I didn't grow up in a mansion with endless funds available. My dad works hard for what he can provide for me...but this is it! This is the best he can do and it embarrasses the hell out of you! Your parents could afford a brand new sparkly toy, but my dad can't, okay? Sorry we're not in your social class!"

This was coming out of nowhere for me and I was stunned silent. Briefly. "Woah woah woah. Are you saying we don't work hard? Money didn't grow on our fucking trees in the yard Bella! My dad worked 18 hour days or more to get where he is, after 8 years of med school! He's on call 24/7...to save people's _lives_! You don't think he deserves to be well paid for that? You don't think his family deserves to live well because of that? My parents don't throw their money around like snobs Bella. They're generous souls. Period. And me? I've had a job since I was 14 for chrissake! Not because we needed the money, but because it's how I was raised - to have a good work ethic."

"Yeah, well I work for the money Edward. Period. That makes us in a different social class and that's why you hate my truck."

"Thank you Dr Swan! Don't give up your job as a clerk, 'cause your psycho-analysis skills suck!"

She chuckled with irony, not amusement. "You are such a snob. Why am I only seeing it now?"

"Obviously you hit your head when this rust bucket skidded back there because I don't know who you're seeing in your mind, but it's not me. I'm not a snob."

"Self-righteous then."

"Holy fuck..." I groaned and rested my head in my hands. "Let's hear this now."

"You amass this circle of friends who adore you. Idolize you. Jump at your command. And then you judge them. You sit on your high throne and decide who's worthy of your help and who should be subjected to your lectures because you're so much smarter than us. So much wiser than us. So much fucking _better _than us! Wanna know something? Every day, I wonder if this will be the day when you've had enough of me. If you'll find someone else who needs you...who's more fixable than me. If I'll make a mistake that's completely unforgivable in your eyes and I'll have no chance to explain or try to fix it because that's what _you_ do. And if you can't fix it, that's it, you're done. We're done. Do you think it's easy living under glass? With someone analyzing every little thing you do? I'm not perfect Edward, and you clearly want someone who is. At least someone you can make perfect. Thing is, I don't think you even know what perfect is. You place such high importance on some things and can't seem to appreciate the struggles of others over things that are a snap for you. It's so easy for you... you just talk it out and it's done. Fixed. You move on and you expect others to do the same. Don't you see? I'm not _like _you! I can't be perfect and I can't live trying to be!"

"What the fuck Bella?" Was this how she really felt? What she really thought of me? Did others feel this way? _Am I this way?  
_  
She snorted. "This guarantees you'll never again ask me what I'm thinking."

"You're wrong. I'll ask one more time and then it's up to you. I give up trying to be the perfect boyfriend for you. Trying to determine what each little twitch and shrug and nibble means whenyou won't let me in. It's a losing battle anyway. I can't do it." This whole argument floored me. I knew there was something up her ass, but I had no idea she had such venomous feelings about me fucking caring about people. Oh wait...not caring...controlling. Whatever. What did she want from me?

"Are you saving the last time you'll ask for a special occasion?"

I shook my head and looked at her directly, cupping her chin in my hand. "If you think that's how I am, if you feel this way about me...why are you with me? Is the sex that good?"

She pulled away from me and snorted in disgust. "You do have a high opinion of yourself."

"That's not an answer to my question. Why are you with me? While we're at it...do you still even want to be?" I felt my stomach contracting. Strongly. Uh-oh. Not now...

"That's a really good question Edward..."

"Excuse me..." I pulled on the handle and shoved the door open, forgetting I was still belted in. The first heave came before I could unlatch myself. I stepped in my puddle on the ground as I stumbled out to seek privacy for the remaining retching. Puking, sputtering, sobbing...I wanted to curl up somewhere and disappear. I couldn't get one goddamn thing right. Ever.

The rest of the ride was silent. I tossed my soiled shoes in the back after I sat in the passenger seat. Bella passed me a bottle of water but didn't say a word to me. I was thankful she didn't just leave me on the side of the road.

Not a word was said for days, in fact. The first two, she avoided me or ignored my attempts to clear the air. On the second day, Rose walked with me to work and gave me shit the whole way.

"Do you know how stupid this is? It's a truck Edward. It may not be to your liking, but Bella loves it. All you had to do was keep your mouth shut and let her love it."

"Kind of difficult when I'm terrified riding in the damn thing," I grumbled.

"Then either grow some balls or don't ride in the damn thing. Simple! You make things so much more difficult for yourself."

"I know. And now it's much worse than the truck issue."

On the third, I did the avoiding by leaving the house before she was even up. I met up with Jane and took her home to meet my mom and Jack.

He was thrilled, not only with my surprise visit, but with another lady to dote on him. "No question you share DNA," I joked with Jasper. "This kid has every woman we know wrapped around his finger."

"Several dudes too," he laughed. "Where's Bella?"

"Ummm..." I shoved my hands in my pockets and looked away.

"Rose mentioned something about that. We'll talk." He grabbed my shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

"Is your room done Jack?" I asked, continuing my avoidance.

"Yep! Come on!"

He grabbed my hand and I grabbed Jane's and we all ran up so he could show us. "Woah. Dude. This is awesome!" It was shades of blue, gradually darkening to the ceiling, which was midnight blue and speckled with stars. "Can I room with you next time I'm here? This is like sleeping under a night sky! I love sleeping outside. Do you like your new room?"

"Love it!" he grinned.

We heard Esme calling for him so we went back down. "I wish I'd known you were coming honey. I booked appointments for Jack...we'll be out for awhile, sorry."

Jack convinced Jane to go with him to get his hair cut and have his eyes tested. Alice was having her day with Bella, apartment hunting and Carlisle was at the hospital. That left me and my brothers. We reverted to our teen years and blasted the music through the empty house while we challenged each other on the PS3. When we'd had enough, we each grabbed a beer and headed outside.

"Ahhhh! This is even better when it's a rarity," Jasper grinnned. We clinked bottles and continued to nurse them. I didn't intend to have more than the one myself. It would be too tempting to drown myself in alcohol with my current emotional fragility.

"Jack looks happy," I commented casually. "His brother too."

Jaz nodded with a grin. "I like being here with him. It'll be hard going back. And once school starts?" He whistled through his teeth.

"He'll be fine. And you can visit lots. He can come to our house too!"

"Mmm. The biggest challenge will be getting Mops and Pops not to spoil him. It's not like Rosalie and I can put him up in a grand house and buy him stuff all the time. I don't want him getting used to it and resenting us for taking him from it."

"Dude, I told you I already talked to them about that," Em frowned. "Besides, the kid needs a little spoiling right now."

Jesus. Did all my friends think we're spoiled snobs? I kept silent on the subject.

Jaz chuckled as he flipped his bottle cap at Emmett. "You're the worst offender! Edward, seriously, you should see this guy. He carries Jack up to bed every night after he falls asleep on the couch. Tucks him in all cozy, gets him a drink...I've caught him sneaking down with Jack in the middle of the night for snacks! Alice is right... MARSHMALLOW!"

"Fuck off!" Em laughed as he flipped the cap back at him. "What am I supposed to do with another little pain in the ass around the house? I've gotta get used to him."

"There's no shortage of emotional spoiling around here huh Edward? Never has been. That's why I'm so grateful he could live here. This family...best thing that ever happened to me. I want it to be Jack's too."

"You're the best thing for Jack," I finally spoke up.

"No. He needs the full Cullen experience - of which I am a part of." He flipped the cap at me. "I hope my conversation with Bella isn't the cause of this latest glitch..."

"Glitch?" Em perked up. "What's wrong? Did you break up?"

"No no. Nothing like that. At least, I hope not. We're just...not speaking. He had an argument and things were said...I dunno. I have no idea where we're going from here."

"Dude, it's an argument. Rose and I have had blow-outs and it passes. This will too."

"Did she talk to you about it? I know you've been talking about stuff..."

"No. Yeah. I mean, I haven't spoken with her since you guys left. But yeah, we had a few heart-to-hearts since we spent so much time on our project. Thanks for filling in for me on that last one, by the way. We got a 92," he smirked.

"Cool. Jaz...you don't think I'm trying to make Jack..."

"Like you more?" he finished my thought. "Nah. I don't think you're trying to do that. He just does. I do too, so I can't blame him." He flashed his grin at me. "Can't blame you either. Bella caught me in a moment of envy. I vented, because that's what my therapist is telling me I need to do. I'm really fucking sorry if it caused problems with you guys."

"No...she just gave me some stuff to think about. I'm really growing to love that kid, but you come first Jaz. I'll back off." If there was one thing my argument with Bella had taught me was that I cannot fix everything, nor should I try. Jasper and Jack would be fine without my interference. They needed to do this on their own.

* * *

_A/N ~ We know when Bella vents, she VENTS! Will Edward be able to resist trying to fix their relationship, or will he actually let her control the outcome?  
Your comments, as always, are welcome and appreciated! ~ SR_


	70. Chapter 70

**Chapter 70**

"So what's the fight about?" Emmett asked bluntly.

"Christ Em! He would've said if he wanted us to know," Jasper kicked him under the table. "Some things are personal."

Emmett shrugged. "Alice got pissed at me 'cause I said she looked boyish one day when her hair was flat. No talking for a couple of days. No sex for a couple of weeks. Girls are just like that man. They can turn on you in a flash."

Jasper and I looked at each other before ripping into him. "You told your girlfriend she looks like a boy?"

"And it surprises you that she didn't want to have sex with you after that? Dude!"

We had a good chuckle before I aired my problem. "It started over the truck."

"Ha! You told her it was fugly?"

I shook my head. "No. That would have made me a dick. Perhaps a shallow dick. Instead, I'm a spoiled, self-righteous snob," I announced while adding in my head, _'who may or may not have inappropriate feelings for a friend.'_ I didn't want to lay that one out and risk having Em and Alice involved in this too. Besides, it was completely untrue.

"Well, a snob I can see..." Jasper smirked.

"Really?" I asked earnestly.

"Come on, you know you can be a huge snob. You have zero tolerance for anyone with a low IQ. You've snubbed people because you think they look at you weird, or too long, or not long enough. Or they giggle..." Jasper nudged me with a grin. "Edward, you're a snob."

"Fuck," I sulked.

"Spoiled too," Emmett piped in.

"Huh? You think I'm spoiled?"

"You are! You and Jack. Spoiled. Me and Jaz? Not so much."

"Aw, fuck off." I was my turn to flick the cap at him. "Seriously?" I asked, wearing my vulnerability blatantly.

"That one's tough to call," Jasper responded. Good. I'd rather have his opinion anyway. Em would make it a rivalry issue. "For someone outside, it could appear that you live a lavish life and never have any wish ungranted. You are privileged. Trust me. From someone who had one pair of jeans and had to wear them for two fucking years..."

"The Wranglers!" Em and I called out with a chuckle, recalling the horrible, ill-fitting jeans he suffered with when we first knew him.

"Dude. This is the last I'll ever speak of the Wranglers," he laughed along. "Anyway, from the Wrangler perspective, you guys never had to wait for new jeans or shoes. If you needed them, you got them. And nice ones. Not like you gave a shit, but you had them, y'know? It's only when you see the other things...how Carlisle made you guys shovel the snow for that old fart who could've paid a service to do it. And Esme making you follow a chore list religiously...those things made me realize that money is money. Privilege is more than that...it's a richness that comes with a content family. Granted, it's easier to be content when you're rich, but you guys just have a really damned good family."

Both my brother and I were speechless. Jasper was always the first to crack a joke about our rich life. This was a different view, straight from an 'outsider's' view point.

"Woah. That was profound Jasper Whitlock," Emmett spoke first. "I'm in awe. I didn't know you could be so thoughtful and eloquent."

"Bite me," he smirked, using Rose's favourite comeback. "Seriously Edward, if Bella's having those kinds of issues... which, I guess as a single cop's kid she would... I could talk to her about that. I've never known any of you to not help with anything, or not offer to... and blatantly flaunt your wealth. It's like, money's there, if you need it. But here's a hug and a homemade cookie. That's the Cullen way."

I didn't dare say a word for risk of blubbering. I may be pussy enough to cry in front of this newly emotional Jasper who feels able to express himself, but there was no way I'd do it in front of Emmett.

"The self-righteous thing stumps me. Can't see that one for you, sorry."

"It's alright. I've got that one figured out," I muttered, giving him a _'later'_ look. There were sounds coming from inside anyway. They were back from their appointments and our talk was over.

Jack came running over, excited to show his new haircut.

"Hello, do I know you, young man?" Jasper teased.

"You know me Jathper!" he giggled.

"Dude, that is one awesome haircut."

"He said he wanted it like his brothers. Plural," Esme explained with a warm smile.

Upon closer examination, I saw it. The sides were cropped short like Em's. The floppy top was messy like mine, but wavy like Jasper's. "Very cool buddy. Can I take your picture to show Bella and Rose when I go home?"

"You're not leaving already!" Esme informed me.

"Mom, we have to go soon. I wanna catch the last rush hour train."

"No no no no. Emmett's going to pick up Alice, so you'll stay for dinner so your dad can meet Jane and then get a ride with your brother."

And that was final! I laughed to myself. Can't argue with Mom.

Carlisle was very gracious with Jane over dinner, asking questions of her travels continuously. Of course, they inquired about her uncle as well. And the photo album was brought out. I escaped with Jaz to finish our talk while they poured over the pages of photographs.

"There's more you want to get out," Jasper commented as we walked around the block.

"Yeah. That other thing Bella accused me of being...she's right. I do judge my friends, my family...everyone. And I have zero right to because I'm just as bad. I can't tolerate lies or lies by omission, but I do it myself. I judged Bella for falling in love with me while she still had feelings for Jacob. I judged you for getting high not so long ago. I judged Rose and Ellie for not accepting Bella just because I said they should. My parents...Christ... All of them. I've judged them all for their decisions when I have no fucking idea what it would be like to be in any of their positions. I'm a cocky asshole. A kid who thinks he knows everything. But I'm frequently wrong. I know that. I'm sorry Jaz."

"Okay," he shrugged. "You'll have to give me a minute. I have to think about this." Walked along in torturous silence. "Alright," he said finally. "You can present yourself as a cocky asshole, but I think that's a front. One facet of Edward. Inside is a different story. There's not one time I can ever recall your judgements, as you call it, to not have a positive origin. You only get like that when you really care about something."

"So it's excusable?" I smirked. "I'm an arrogant ass, but I mean well?"

"Yeah. That's about it." Jasper gave me a pat on the back and laughed. "If you were as self-righteous as you think you are, your ego would be so fucking huge it would need it's own apartment. We still manage to live with you so it can't be too bad."

"Yeah...one more thing...about Jack." I took a deep breath. "Part of me was disappointed when I discovered the relation. I was feeling really damn proud of myself for being his hero. I kinda wanted to keep that."

"Dude! You have! You can...I don't care! You did come to his rescue. It's what you do. 'Cause you're a Cullen." He shrugged like it was commonplace. "Only fitting that you'd be my brother's hero too." His voice cracked even though he wore a smirk.

"Fuck. Jaz... Don't..."

"Make me cry and I'll punch you!" he snortled.

Just like Bella. My heart felt twisted in knots. How would I fix this? "She thinks I expect perfection from her," I added softly. "What she doesn't see is that she _is_ perfect...to me...with any flaws or whatever. I love that she's imperfect, so that, in essence, _is _perfection. How can I make her understand that?"

He sighed heavily. "I don't know if you can, dude. Not being judgemental here or anything..." he smirked. "Bella's got some self-esteem issues. She doesn't think she's good enough for you. Until she figures it out herself, there's really nothing you can do to make her believe in you. That's coming straight from a pro, man. I've done a lot of self-evaluation lately because I'm realizing I could never accept the kind of love your family has been offering me for a decade until I see that I'm actually worthy of it."

"You are Jaz."

He punched me and ran, cackling back at me over his shoulder. Goof.

* * *

We dropped Jane off first and then I asked Emmett to drop me off at Sam's. I wanted to get my memory stick back. And I also did not want to be part of any awkward scene involving myself, Bella and Alice. I desperately wanted to talk to Alice. She always sorted me out when it came to handling Bella's issues. How could I if Alice was one of them? I'd have to do this one solo. If Bella would let me.

Sam and I hung out for awhile, playing around with some rewrites he'd done and then I took a leisurely, round-about way home. Rose was getting some ice cream from the freezer when I got in.

"Hey!" she smiled at me. "How are my guys?"

"Beautiful. Inside and out." I kissed her. "That's from Jaz. He said he'll do better himself on Friday."

"Mmmhmm," she grinned as she licked the spoon. "Want some before I put this away? Chocolate peanut butter baby!"

"Mmm. Tempting, but no. Good night." I kissed her cheek this time. "That's from me."

"Not bad. But Jaz's was better," she winked and then made a face at me. "Night babycakes."

I watched her saunter out from across the room. She and I had major fights and we always worked it out. Maybe I should focus on fixing the friendship part of my relationship with Bella rather than stressing about the potential of a break-up.

Her door was open, the room dark. I paused briefly before peeking in. Vacant. It was almost 11! Bella didn't stay out late on her own. Ever. Where was she at this hour? Frowning, I followed the hallway down to my own room to decide whether I would call, text or go out looking for her. I saw the envelope on my bed as soon as I flicked the light on.

I leaned against my desk for several minutes staring at it before I made a move. Fuck. It would be my Dear John letter. In my case, a Dear_ Dick_ letter. Why couldn't she have let me talk it out? I closed my eyes as I held it in my hands, too frightened to open it.

* * *

_A/N ~ Short-ish chapter today... I know he should get on with it but I couldn't handle an Edward meltdown. ;)  
Again, I welcome any comments. And to those reviewers who don't allow replies, I'd like to thank you for your remarks. I normally try to respond personally, but since I can't...cheers to all of you!  
More soon! ~ SR_


	71. Chapter 71

**Chapter 71**

Okay Cullen. Suck it up. It won't disappear if you don't open it. I tore off an end and slid the papers out. Handwritten. Nice. At least my kiss-off felt personalized.

_Dear Edward_

_I suppose it's time I did this for you. It won't be as poetic as yours but it's what I've got to offer.  
__Should I apologize first? I should, but I won't. It will seem empty until you see the rest. I said some ugly things to you and I do feel horrible. I hope you'll continue reading and forgive me for exploding at you._

_My thoughts...a mystery to you, but they shouldn't be. I am so deeply in love with you and it scares me._

I stopped there and took my first breath. She still loved me. There was hope. I sat down on my bed to read on.

_I am so deeply in love with you_

I smiled and laid back.

_deeply in love with you and it scares me._

I've rushed her. She wasn't ready for all of this. Living together, the sex, my need to be with her constantly. I grumbled at myself to knock it off. Read the entire thing before obsessing over one bit. Okay...

_It's not the love that scares me, it's the potential of losing it that makes me freak out. I know I can trust you. I do know that Edward. It's the unknown that scares the hell out of me. I didn't know I'd lose my mother, but I did. Funny thing, I grew up fearing it would be my dad. I had nightmares for years after they split that he'd be killed on the job and I'd never see him again. I expected my mom to always be there. Watching her die slowly, more and more each day, killed part of me. The part that openly trusts in anything being forever. My dad could still be taken from me. Any day._

_And so could you._

_Jacob spent years swearing to me, promising me he would always be there. From his heritage, he believes he can transcend life, even after death and still be with me. Eternal love. I wanted to believe in that security. I desperately needed to believe. And I did._

_Until you._

_Our love is so completely different. I don't want to think of life without it, without you, but I do. It haunts me because, like my mom, like my dad, you're part of me. Without her, I'm less. Without my dad, I'd be lost. Without you, I'm nothing. Hollow. Empty. Eternally._

_I don't let people in because I can't deal with loss. But I met you. And fell for you. And opened a tiny crack that I'm now unable to close. The more you dig at it, the more I feel the need to seal it up. Now that you claim to be done trying to break my shell, it hurts. More than the thought of losing you, more than the idea of being alone...so I'm peeling it back myself. For you._

_You wanted to know..._

_I hate feeling possessive and making you feel I don't trust you, but it's part of my struggle to hold onto you. I see how you branch yourself out, always reaching for people you love and I fear you slipping away. I know you're not, but the fear is real. I love you for loving as you do...it makes me want to love that way too. But the fear is so real. So my love is kept for you and only you. Edward, my biggest fear is that you'll be frightened off by my struggle with this. It's why I've held back for so long while you open yourself more and more and love me more and love others more... I don't want you to pity me or feel you need to take care of me - fix me. I want to be your partner, Edward; not another project for you._

_I'm afraid of being completely reliant on someone who could disappear without warning. I'm scared to rely on anyone. And scared not to. I don't want to be alone in my thoughts anymore...I want to share as much with you as you do with me but I'm finding it difficult to determine which fear I should take on. I need to be able to survive on my own; that I know. If you'll be patient enough to let me figure out how to do that and love you at the same time, it may be frustrating but not so scary for me. _

_I'm mostly afraid of my own fears and what they could cost me. That's the truth. What's in my thoughts._

_You wanted to know._

_It's time to explain my ugly outburst. Item by item, because I know you like detail. (Smile at that Cullen. I love your need for detail.)_

_Alice: God. I feel really horrible and incredibly stupid about that. Please don't hold in your feelings for her. I know the love you had/have for her is a different love than we share. I know because there's Jake on my side. I should also confess, while I'm all open here, that your love is reciprocated. Alice does love you as well. If you can handle Jake in my life, I can definitely take Alice. There's no one I trust more than the two of you, so just be yourself. Please._

_The truck: Ugh! That still infuriates me but I'm willing to accept your claims that it terrifies you. Your physical reaction proved that. I hope you felt better afterwards...and I'm sorry I didn't take care of you._  
_Your terror aside, it angers me because if this is the sole reason for your hate-on, it means you don't think Charlie and Jake can be trusted. They would never give me something that could harm me, so clearly you're wrong about the safety issue._

_Edward the snob: not sorry. You so are._

_Your parents: I am SO sorry. They didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve that. They've only ever been kind and generous to me and I adore them. They have the biggest hearts I've ever seen and I feel privileged to know them. That goes for you as well, because you have the same heart. To me, the things that come from your heart mean more than anything you could buy and that's plentiful. Always. It's stupid and childish of me to confuse genuine generosity with extravagance. You all deserve every bit of the comfort you have because you give much more than you keep for yourselves. All of you. I love Cullens. I adore Cullens. I thank God for Cullens._

_Social class: The thing with this is that it's closely tied to my fears. I can't escape the feeling that one day you'll see the difference between us and decide to upgrade. I'm not comfortable with having things given to me, it's new and strange and I know I seem ungrateful. I'm trying to learn how to handle it so you won't replace me with someone who's better for you._

_Self-righteous Edward: Thankfully, this is last because it's the toughest to get through. I don't know if I have the right words to retract that... Is it even possible to be self-righteous when one has such a low opinion of oneself? I stand by the fact that you're a snob, because you cannot tolerate anyone having a different moral path than you at the moment, but self-righteous? I can't stand by that one because I love that you have morals and ethics and you stand up for them. Can I love that you care enough to call out a friend on something stupid but condemn you for it at the same time?_

_Edward, getting high with Jasper so soon after him scaring us that way...it's the dumbest thing I've ever done. Ever. I don't know him well enough to know what he can or cannot handle. And that's wrong too. He's your best friend. And my roommate. I should know him by now. So as the crack opens bit by bit, I'm feeling like he's someone who could get in. Who should get in. I'm sorry I let you down with that one._

_Final thought on my smug Edward...I was wrong to say you think you're better than everyone. Clearly, drastically wrong. You can't possibly feel that way when you can't even see what's good in yourself. You grow but never change who you are. You can never see what we all do in you. You constantly think you've messed up... You are better than us Cullen, simply because you can't see that. Make sense? I hope so._

_I also hope this wasn't more than you want to know._

_Know this though: I love you Edward Cullen. You're my heart, my soul, my friend and lover, my saviour and hero. You're my world. And the same boy I've always known._

_Eternally in love with you (even though you hate my truck),_  
_Bella_

I held the papers over my heart as I laid my head back against the wall. God, Bella. Why couldn't you say half of this to me before? I folded the papers carefully and placed them under my poetry stick from Bella and then went over to my window to see who's star was brighter tonight. Equal. I'd gladly make hers shine more if I could talk to her, hold her... I reached over for my phone. I had to know where she was. Maybe she'd gone home after Alice left. Rose would've said something though...

As I tried to decide between text or call, a movement caught my eye in the yard below. The hammock was swaying ever so lightly. _Bella._

A grin stretched across my face as I raced outside.

She sat up and turned to me when she heard my footsteps. "Hi."

"Hi."

"You got my letter," she said softly.

"Baby...come here..." I wrapped her in my arms and held her like I had no intention of ever letting her go. And I didn't. "Thank you...Bella...for letting me in..." I kissed her head as I held onto her. "I'm in. And I'm not going anywhere. I love you so much."

She went up onto her knees to gain access to my face. Her tiny fingers ran down my jaw and traced my lips like she was memorizing every detail. And then she kissed me. It was like the first time; I tingled and felt a fresh wave of emotion and admittedly, some lust as well as I returned her kiss. Pulling me into our hammock with her, she gazed up at me as her fingers meshed with my hair. "I love you Cullen. So much. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I've been horrible to you and you don't deserve it. I just want to be someone who's worthy of you. I'm trying to be. And I'll try harder, I swear. Please don't give up on me yet."

"Not. Going. Anywhere." I assured her between kisses. "You're everything to me. I'll let you set the pace again honey. You tell me what you want and I won't pressure you for more. Deal?"

* * *

Bella was not herself for weeks following her letter to me. Gone was the pitbull and sex kitten replaced with a sensible, demure girl with undertones of vulnerability. She hadn't wanted to discuss what she'd written so I let that go. Now it was eating at me. But I didn't dare ask her about her thoughts.

In bed, we cuddled a lot. When it did go beyond, it was slow and gentle - wanting to show her I was there for her, loving her...not just wanting her. I needed that for myself as well because still nagging in the back of my mind was the fact that twice now, in the heat of an argument, I'd accused her of using this relationship for sex. It was more than that...right?

I was even tempted to pick an argument a couple of times, to draw out the pitbull and some emotion from her. But I was weary of another blow-out/potential ditching.

Fall classes were beginning in a week and my mind was on anything but.

"So...Bella's birthday." Rosalie dropped by the lab for lunch with Jane and I. Leave it to Rose to bring up another anxiety. "What are we doing?"

"Uh, yeah...about that..."

"Edward! What's wrong with you?" Jane was taken aback by my hesitant reply. "You haven't been yourself lately, but this is just weird. It's Bella's birthday! _Bella!_ Get excited!"

"I am...I want to be. It's difficult." I sighed and tossed aside my lunch. "She has this thing...she doesn't want any gifts. From anyone."

"So we'll throw her a party," Rose stated matter-of-factly. "Jaz suggested that already. If she doesn't want us buying her anything, we could throw something together at The Underground. They'd give us a deal."

I grinned across at her. "That's really thoughtful. I think her point is to not spend money on her though."

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Ugh. What the hell is with that girl? Baby, anytime you wanna throw a gift or a party or just plain ol' cash my way, I'll take it!"

Jane giggled and I rolled my eyes back at Rose. "You would."

"Anytime." She stood abruptly and packed up her trash. "Back to work. Think about it! I think it's a great idea. We'll work on her; me and Jaz."

"Good luck!" I smirked. It was the most recent sore spot with me. She was adamant that I buy her nothing. She would rather the day go by unobserved, in fact. I had issues with that.

"Jane...when a girl says 'I don't want anything for my birthday. Don't buy me anything.' does she mean that? Will I be a dick if I ignore her request and go ahead and get what I want for her? Or will I be a bigger dick if I don't do anything at all?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah, what? Which one?" I chuckled.

"The bigger dick one. You have to do _something_. Just keep it small and intimate, you know? Make her a special dinner. Write something for her. Something you can give without buying. Right? Would that work?"

"Jane...you're absolutely brilliant and I love you!" I picked her up and spun her around while she giggled. "That's perfect! Perfect!"

I gave my plan a lot of thought and when Alice came down mid-week to sign her lease, we met for lunch to discuss it further.

"Esme wants you guys home next weekend, for her birthday. You know that, right?"

"I do. And she knows it isn't happening." I gave Alice a warning look not to be Esme's accomplice in something Bella did not want. "Besides she has to work anyway. Busy time for the bookstore."

"I know...but still..."

"Alice..."

She batted her eyes, making me laugh. "_I_ know it's not happening. If she could get off work, she'd want to go home anyway. She hasn't seen Charlie all summer."

Shit! I'd promised her a weekend and then we got wrapped up in visiting Jack almost weekly. God, how stupid of me not to see that. "Alice! You just gave me a great idea! But I'll need your help because Charlie hates me and loves you. I need you to liaise for us."

She grinned and leaned in to hear more. She loved this stuff. I don't know why I didn't go to her earlier. It wasn't until we were about to leave to go meet up with Bella that I spotted Tanya, yet again watching over me. I had to find a new lunch spot. Seriously. I was returning from a trip to the washroom when I saw Alice engaged in conversation with her.

"Do you not have any guy friends who aren't fuck buddies?" I heard Alice asking as I approached.

"This should be interesting," I mumbled to myself. "Alice? Ready to go?" I didn't even acknowledge the pest, it would only encourage her.

"Afternoon dates work well for you, huh Edward? While your girlfriend's at work...oh! Gosh! You did tell her, right?" She turned back to Alice with a smug grin. "You know he has a girlfriend, don't you? They live together actually."

"Actually, yeah!" Alice put on a big fake smile, her already big eyes opened wider still. "FYI, Edward and I are connected three ways...none of which are your business. But yes, I am fully aware of his relationship and furthermore, support it." She linked her arm through mine, toying with a confused Tanya.

"Wonder what Bella would say..." she began to retort.

"Oh for chrissake. Tanya, let it go." I sighed heavily. "This is really pathetic. If you tell Bella, she'll laugh. And tell you to get the fuck out. Again. Why bother?"

"You protest too much," she smirked.

Sighing again, I looked her directly in the eye. "Well, we're on our way to meet Bella now. Care to come along and see if I'm right? I'll tell you this though...I'm done with all this juvenile shit from you. If you want to continue on with your bitchy highschool girl antics, go right ahead. Bella and I are adults, in an adult relationship and we find this all very silly. We're really a waste of your time."

Her jaw dropped, then clamped shut angrily. Alice now looked smug and cute as shit as she blew a kiss at her. We left her huffing and puffing on her own.

"That was awesome!" Alice laughed outside. "You put her in her place. What a bitch! And you're right, totally juvenile. Hey! We should hook her up with Jacob... they're about the same maturity level." She bumped her shoulder into me when I didn't respond. "That was a joke, by the way. Even though I can't stand him, I still wouldn't wish that on him. He does need to find a new obsession though and leave Bella alone."

Leave Bella alone? Hadn't he? "Wait...what did you say?"

"Oh, don't worry...like he has a chance in hell of getting Bella from you...but he just doesn't give up. He does the whole, 'I'm here for you no matter what' bit. Plays on her insecurities; you know how it is."

No. In fact, I didn't. She hadn't mentioned speaking with him recently. It might explain Bella's odd behaviour however. "Alice? She doesn't still feel guilty about leaving him, does she?"

A little frown line appeared as she gave my question some thought. "I don't think so...but I seriously don't know why the hell you insist on encouraging any contact with him. He messes with her mind. He did it big time when Renee died and Bella was so vulnerable... Bella's a logical girl, but she bought into his 'forever' appeal; transcending life. _Bullshit!_ What do you think of that? You're a scientist! You can't buy that shit."

It was my turn to frown in thought. I didn't have an answer for her, but I did have a hint as to why Bella had freaked out. Once again, Jake was behind it.

* * *

_A/N ~ So we see the core of Bella's moodiness; insecurity and a deep-rooted fear of loss. Can she be forgiven? Does Edward let her off the hook too easily or does he expect too much from people... just because he's a blurter doesn't mean everyone wants to air all their thoughts constantly, right? lol There's still issues to deal with, obviously.  
Reviews! Comments! Questions! Love 'em all! Please keep them coming. :-) ~ SR_


	72. Chapter 72

**Chapter 72**

The five of us hung out; all contributing to dinner and then lazed around on the patio, chatting while Jaz strummed his guitar.

"Is Laurent giving you a deal on the apartment since you're on your own?" Rose asked Alice.

"I don't think so. Emmett's helping me out though - paying his share so he can leave some stuff here and spend weekends until he's done this term."

"He's really switching schools for you?" Jasper smiled. "Cool."

"I just wish he could've swung it for fall term too. I'll miss him. "

"Aw, long distance loving ain't so bad short term," Jaz was speaking to Alice but winked at Rose.

"True. The sex is great when you do manage to hook up."

"As long as you're committed...you need to trust in each other and your commitment. But you'll be fine. Never seen Em so into a girl before, right Edward?"

"Never," I agreed as I held Bella close to me. As soon as the conversation switched to long distance relationships, she'd leaned on me heavily, wrapping her arm around my chest. "It's the real deal," I said softly, stroking Bella's back. I was referring to us as much as Alice and Em. "I like that he'll be around here next year when us three are done. You guys can move downstairs and I'll keep my room rented for frequent visits too." Bella tipped her head back to smile at me, squeezing me tighter still.

"_'You and me forever, __We belong together...'_" Jaz played a sweet version of the Raconteurs_ 'Together'_.

Rose kissed him softly when he finished, complete adoration in her eyes. "Yep, we got through years of long distance loving. But I'm never doing that again."

"What about when he's on tour?" I grinned.

"We'll deal with that when it comes!" Rose gave me a pinch on the shoulder as she passed by me. "Come in with me for a sec?"

Bella eased herself off me with a kiss on my chin before total release. "Be right back," I smiled at her.

"What's up?" I asked once we were inside.

"Have you talked to Bella about a party? Jaz loves it...we want to do that for her. We can even arrange so Jack can come. And Charlie, of course. Alice would help, right?"

"She would, yeah. But Bella's another story..."

"Please? Work on her..." Rose gave me a hug. "There's not much time to get it together!"

"Rose..."

Pulling back, she kept her hands on my chest as she averted her eyes. "I told my therapist about you."

The sudden subject change threw me. She'd been having two sessions a week, like Jasper. "About me?"

Nodding, she fingered a button on my shirt, still avoiding my eyes. "He thinks I've replaced my brother with you."

I smiled down at her. "Rosie, you could've saved your money. I could've told you that."

"Carlisle's money," she reminded me. "He says we should talk about it...my therapist, not Carlisle." Looking up at me, her eyes pleaded for my opinion.

"Whenever you want to," I said gently. Shit, I hope I hadn't done the wrong thing all these years, not drawing a line for her. But we had, of sorts; a silent agreement. It worked for us.

"He's concerned that there may be issues with us...that I...that you...may have feelings I'm unaware of...'cause I led you on..."

I'd never seen Rose so unsure of herself; of her words. I held her face between my hands and bent my knees so we were eye level. "What we have Rose, is a unique love/hate, sibling rivalry/dependency thing. I'm not confused about that. Are you?" I gave her a crooked grin as my thumb wiped away a tear on her cheek.

She smiled through tears. "Not in the least."

"Good. I don't have a sister. Didn't have a choice about you, but if I did..." I kissed her forehead and continued in a very quiet voice, "I'm fortunate to be your surrogate brother. And just as fortunate to have you as my friend."

"I'm really gonna have to hurt you Edward..." she teased as the tears flowed steadily.

"Go ahead. I'll still love you." I wiped her cheek with the back of my hand. "Do you know how proud I am of you? You've come so far all on your own, but to do this now? Get things sorted properly...that's huge Rosalie. It must be scary. But you're doing it."

"It's for Jaz. And Jack."

"Whatever the reason, you all benefit. Right?"

She nodded with a distant look in her eyes as she wiped at her tears herself. "I love him so much..."

"I know," I smiled and took her hand. "He's perfect for you. And you for him."

"So, my therapist feels that this thing we have could interfere..."

"Christ, I'm beginning to get annoyed by this therapist of yours," I teased.

"I know," she smirked. "Half of it's bullshit, but I've gotta give it an honest shot, right?"

"Absolutely!" I shook my head in agreement. "Look, Rosie..."

"Ahhh, um...sorry!" Bella approached us timidly in the kitchen. "I was just coming for snacks. I don't want to interrupt..."

"Bella, no! You're not." Rose reached her other hand out for her. "Please stay. We were talking about my therapy. This involves you too." She glanced at me. "This is okay, right?"

"More than okay. Bella knows...and there's nothing I would say to you that she couldn't hear." Rose laid her head on my shoulder and I took Bella's other hand, forming a circle of close friends. "This therapist of Rosalie's wants us to discuss her relationship with me. He thinks it could interfere with what...you and Jaz?"

She shrugged. "And you and Bella. I guess it's unhealthy to love someone other than your partner. I don't think he understands...or believes me when I say Jaz is my one and only and you guys are completely committed to each other."

"I don't think anyone would." Bella surprised us both by speaking up immediately. "Sorry...as the newest one in, I can be more objective...if you'd like."

"Yeah!" Rose grinned. "Lay it on me baby!"

"I think you have to have a very clear knowledge and understanding of all three of you to really get what you guys have. It's unusual, for sure. But unhealthy? I don't think so anymore. God, it's so obvious to anyone who spends time with you that Jaz is like...well, like Edward is to me. You wouldn't do something that would take Jasper from you. At the same time, you need Edward. It's not unhealthy to need your family close to you."

"She gets it," Rose whispered to me with a smile. "Thank you sweetie. I'm really trying here, but I honestly don't think I can get through this without him." She hugged Bella in a tight embrace. "Bella, you don't know how much it means to me that you're on our page with this. I don't want to hurt you. Thanks for your opinion."

"Sure. While we're doing this, can we be completely honest?"

My heart pounded in my throat. Where was she going with this? She'd refrained from any talk about feelings for weeks and now she was tackling this touchy subject? "What do you want to know honey?" I asked her softly.

"Don't be mad...and don't sugar coat it for my benefit. I'll take the answers and deal. I won't get upset..."

"Ask me anything Bella. I'll be brutally honest." Rose took both of Bella's hands in hers. "What do you want to know sweetie?"

"If Jasper wasn't in the picture...I know, it's unimaginable. But say he'd never moved to your school, neither of you knew him...would you be in love with Edward? Not just love him as you do, need him, whatever...would he be your Jasper?"

Wow. Didn't see that one coming. I held my breath waiting for Rose's response. Personally, I'd never thought it would be an option - me and Rose - but we'd also never discussed it. And she is brutally honest...this could get awkward. It didn't help that she didn't respond immediately. She was in deep thought as I fretted. Bella, however, looked on at her steadily with much more confidence than she normally displayed.

"Hmm. God, you picked the toughest question to be brutally honest with...there's so many things to think about. He wouldn't be my Jasper, I know that. I couldn't feel the way I do for Jaz with anyone. Period. So, I'd be settling for something less than the love of my life."

The girls exchanged a knowing smile. I relaxed. But Rosalie wasn't done.

"That said, I wouldn't know I could feel like this if I didn't know Jaz..."

"I get that," Bella smirked. "I totally get that."

"I mean...shit, how do I put this without offending anyone? He's your boyfriend..."

"Brutal honesty Rose. I asked for it."

"Bella..." I warned gently.

"Shhh!" I got quieted by both.

"Thing is, he's gorgeous. And sweet. He's a really decent guy, you know? I wouldn't feel like I was settling...but still... No offence baby," she said to me, aside, before looking back to Bella. "He's a lot to handle. I don't think I could deal with him all the time. He's quirky. And stubborn. Very impatient. And frequently grumpy. Way too serious for me. I'd have destroyed his White Stripes collection long ago, believe me. That's just weird, to be that focused on a person you don't even know."

"I admire his work!" I protested, in defense of myself and my love for all things Jack White.

"Baby, it goes beyond that. I think you've got a little man-love goin' on there. It's okay to be attracted to another dude."

"I'm not!" I argued, sounding like a kid.

"Honey, it's okay. Physical attraction or total admiration for his work, whatever...you don't know the dude. It freaks me out that you're so obsessed with him, that's all."

"I'm not obs...okay, I am. But I'm dealing with it!" I had been. Jack hadn't been in my head for weeks. I was feeling_ less_ obsessed at least.

Bella stood on her toes to give me a placating kiss on my cheek. "You've been doing great with that."

"Whatever, I couldn't cope like you do Bella. If we ever had gotten together, it wouldn't last and then I'd lose everything. As it is, I have my ideal life...total satisfaction in the relationship with Jaz but I get to appreciate this one's beauty and his heart. I love them completely differently and I'd be lost without either of them. No regrets with what this has turned out to be for me. That's the truth."

"Thank you." Bella smiled and kissed Rose on the cheek before hugging her. "He's really not that hard to handle though. There are moments I'd like to strangle him, but generally, you can judge his moods and just make adjustments. It's cool."

"For you maybe. I'd kill him."

"Nah, the benefits outweigh the hassles. By far." They exchanged looks and giggles.

"Hello? I am standing right here!"

"See? It drives me nuts when he gets pissy like this. He'd stick around for the talk about how hot he is and why he's lovable, he just can't take the criticism."

"I just did! Did I say anything when you were rhyming off the list of why I'm an unsuitable boyfriend? Which, by the way, is about as long as why I've never considered you for a girlfriend either. We agree on that!"

"Thank god! My therapist will be thrilled and get off my back. You good with all this Bella? He'll be pissy for awhile yet, but if you still need to talk..."

"I'm good." Bella leaned in close to Rose and whispered, "We'll do girl talk another time."

Rose wiggled her eyebrows with interest. "Definitely!"

"Christ. Snacks right? We want snacks?" I busied myself with that to avoid getting even pissier. This wasn't even pissy, I argued silently as I slammed the fridge door shut. Okay, maybe it was a bit pissy.

"Okay, so while you're here, birthday..."

Oh Rose! I shot her an exasperated look as Bella gave me a what-did-we-talk-about glare.

"Yeah yeah yeah. You don't want any gifts. Fine. But we're not letting it go by unnoticed. Don't give him a hard time, especially while he's in a snit, 'cause he did tell us you don't want a fuss. But Jaz and I are having a party for you, Edward has nothing to do with it and you can't say no."

"I'm not in a snit..."

"Oh shut it Edward. We're talking about Bella now. Get over yourself."

"I told you this party thing wasn't a good idea..."

"It's fine. Thank you Rose. That's really sweet of you guys."

"What the fuck Bella? I've offered..."

She cut me off with a kiss. "I know. Thank you for understanding."

Understanding what?

"No gifts though. Any of you. Please?"

"Sure thing baby," Rose grinned smugly. "See Edward? I told you I could swing her."

"Rose..." I said through gritted teeth.

"Yeah yeah. Bite me. Come on Bella. He can bring the snacks, let's go tell Jaz it's on!"

Bella smiled at me apologetically as she walked out with Rose. I melted a bit and gave her a crooked grin in return. She mouthed, "Love you."

Rose called out, "We love you baby. Don't stay inside and sulk. Come play with us."

"BITE ME Rosalie!" I growled with a snicker.


	73. Chapter 73

**Chapter 73**

I'd simmered down as we worked on the guest list of Bella's private Underground party, even saw the humour in my tiff with Rose. It wasn't an argument; not even a tiff, the more I thought about it. I was just pissy. It still stung that Bella was allowing our friends to throw a bash, but I was forbidden. I'd been feeling like I was forbidden from many things lately, her birthday wasn't the biggest issue, but still important to me.

"Sweetie, I have more than I could ever ask for, just being with you," she explained as we laid in bed together. Alice was staying over, so Bella had come to my room with hers occupied. "Every day with you is a gift."

"But your birthday should be special. Look what you did for mine," I reminded her with a squeeze of her bum cheek and a cheeky grin.

"Yeah well, that was a gift for me as well," she giggled. "I'm not opposed to that kind of gift from you."

"Okay. I'm down with that. How about a repeat of that night, in a private suite..."

"Here."

"Not someplace else? New York maybe?"

"New York," she repeated incredulously. "You'd take me to New York...for my birthday."

"Sure. Can I?"

"No!"

"How about someplace closer then? We'll grab a nice room downtown..."

"Cullen, no!"

"Fine," I sighed.

"What's wrong with here?"

I shrugged. "I dunno. It's just, you made my birthday so memorable, I want yours to be as well. I don't mind doing you on my desk again...I have reinforced the shelf so there'll be no issues there."

She slapped my chest and giggled into my neck. "That was fun."

"That was hot! Not what I pictured our first time to be like, but certainly memorable."

"Um...we could try _my_ desk. And since it's my birthday, I'd get to call all the shots."

I chuckled. "You can call them, but I can't always control them you know," I teased.

"Your control is fine. We can watch that disc from Emmett...there's a few scenes we haven't tried. Or get a new one. It's been awhile since we've done anything adventurous. That would be memorable." She began nibbling on my chin and I knew my argument was lost. We'd be here for her birthday. But there would be sex. Possibly porn sex.

The kissing and groping intensified and I was about to reach for our sex drawer when Bella stopped. "You're not mad at me for asking Rose if she'd ever sleep with you, are you?"

"What? God Bella...we're gonna talk about Rosalie? Now? There's not enough blood in my brain to think!"

"Chill down there dude." She lifted the sheet to address my beckoning dick. "Let him think. We'll get back to you in a minute."

"One minute," I relented with a grin. "No, I'm not mad. I was surprised you were so bold about it. Proud of you too. Is that resolved for you now? You know I don't want her and she finds me disgustingly annoying. It's not a good match."

She smiled as she stroked my hair. "I'm glad to not feel threatened by her, that's for sure."

"You felt threatened? Seriously?"

Biting on her lip, but with a mischievous grin, she let her fingers trail across my jawline. "I imagined all sorts of scenarios where you'd be overcome and just go for it. I couldn't compete with her when it comes to sex. She'd have you."

"Not a chance!" I protested. "There's only one being in this world that potentially loves you more than I do, and he's patiently waiting down below. Nobody gets me going more than you Bella. Believe me."

Her grin returned. "So...I could use some of things I imagined her doing with you?"

"Okay..." I agreed hesitantly. "I'd rather you get any of those images out of your head altogether." I shuddered for effect. "So you're not threatened anymore. That's good. We can..." I indicated my waving knob.

"I'm still a bit envious." Lip chewing returned, without grin.

Oh. She hadn't discussed her feelings in weeks and she was choosing now to do just that. I let out a breath and pulled myself up a bit. "Okay, you're not required just yet. Take ten." I placed a pillow over my waist before pulling Bella up to hold her. It was hard enough talking to her with my dick knocking on my belly every time she shifted and I felt a boob on my chest, it didn't need any encouragement from her body being against it. Fully shielded, I was better prepared to discuss her feelings. I didn't want to shut her down when she was open. "What are you envious of?" I asked her softly.

She tucked her head under my chin and drew little circles on my chest with her fingers. "Just that you've had so much time together. You really know each other."

"Mmm. Honey, we can't do anything about that. She's known me longer, but you know me better."

"That's kinda why I wanted to get the whole sex thing out of the way...because that's what I know about you that she doesn't. The only thing. If you had the same intimacy with her..."

"It's not the only thing Bella. I've never felt like anyone's known me like you do. Jaz comes pretty close, but like you said, add the intimacy and... Well, that's what we have. Thing is, I think I have a different concept of intimacy than you do. To me, this is about as intimate as we can get; laying here naked, embraced, having a quiet conversation while my dick is trying to butt fuck my pillow...that's intimate. I couldn't do that with anyone but you. And I really couldn't talk about my dick butt fucking my pillow without my consent with anyone else either."

Bella was giggling as she flattened out her hand and rubbed out the tickly feeling she was leaving with her fingers. "I love your silliness Cullen."

"I love everything about you. Especially that you finally trust me enough to talk about this stuff."

"I'm trying." She placed a very soft kiss in the middle of my chest.

"I know," I whispered as I kissed the top of her head. "Me too. I'm trying not to pry...to let you invite me in when you're ready. Bella, you know you can tell me anything." I stroked her arm that was draped across me. "Anything."

She snuggled in even more. "You make it really difficult not to trust you completely."

"Bella?" I said softly. "Honey, are we ever gonna talk about the things you told me in your letter?"

"The point of writing was so that I could get it out without stammering and getting all flustered. And so I wouldn't have to say it."

"And so now I'm unable to dig deeper..."

"It wasn't so that I could shut you out," she protested quietly.

"But I can't respond."

"What did you want to respond to?" she asked after a brief hesitation.

"Well, all of it, but mostly the forever thing." I kept my tone soft and ran my fingers through her hair as she liked. I wanted her to remain feeling comfortable.

"You can't promise me forever," she whispered.

"No. Honey, if I could..." I kissed her head and squeezed her a bit tighter. "There are no guarantees in life. I can't make a promise that I'm not certain I can keep... If you want me to promise I'll never willingly leave you, that I can do. But I can't say I won't die before you. That's uncontrollable."

"I know." Her voice was barely a whisper as she held her lips against my flesh. "It's crazy to want that promise."

But Jacob made that promise, I thought. Damn him. "I wish I could..." I cut myself off. I wished I could bullshit like him, but I couldn't. And I couldn't say that to her. "I don't have the same beliefs...that a person can live beyond life, you know? I'm uncertain about what exactly does happen...but I know I don't believe I can transcend this life and have you still feel my love for you. Not tangibly, I mean. All I can do is love you as best I can, while I can, and hope that it carries on for you through... I dunno...memories? Photos? A letter? Maybe a child... If I had a set belief, I'd like to promise you my soul would be left with you. I feel like it would be. But I just don't know. Can you understand?"

She nodded into my chest. I could feel her tears on my skin.

"I don't even remember my mother. Elizabeth. But from what I've learned, I feel like... I dunno... like, the brief time we had together, she poured so much love into me, I can still feel that love. It's part of me. Can't you still feel your mom?"

She openly sobbed as she clung to me and I suddenly felt like the biggest shit in the world. I'd meant to comfort her; give her some sense of what forever meant to me.

"I'm sorry Bella. You said you didn't want to talk..."

She raised her head to press her lips to mine. "I love you so much."

"Me too honey. We don't have to talk about it...it's okay."

"The thing with my mom? I was so... I'm still... so fucking angry that she didn't love me enough to take care of herself!"

Oh! "Oh, baby...I..."

She shook her head to stop my blabbering. "It's okay. It's fine. I just...you should know that's what I've carried. Anger. Resentment. Betrayal. And guilt for feeling those things. She didn't want to die!"

"I know...shhh... It's okay..." I felt completely useless.

"I miss her," Bella admitted with a whimper that broke my heart. And I couldn't say a word. My loss was entirely different. Hers was traumatizing. "Especially now that I have you...she'd love you so much..."

I snickered softly. "Would be nice if one of parents did."

That got a grin. Whew! "She would totally love you. Charlie will too. He's just... Charlie. Sorry about that."

"He's capable of love. He adores you, I know that. And he fully endorses your ex..." Oh fuck! Why did I say that? Cullen, you're the biggest idiot to ever walk among mankind.

She pulled away from me to shift herself. Pulling the sheet up around herself, she sat higher than me. I felt her studying my face, though I was afraid to look her in the eye. "We should talk about Jacob."

Fuck! No... I didn't want to hear it... But I did at the same time. God... This won't be good. And forget about sex of any sort now. My manhood, as Bella once referred to it, cowered at the mere mention of the boy who could promise forever to the woman I loved. I stared off blankly dreading what would come of this. Dumbass.

"Charlie's known Jacob his whole life. He's like a second father to him. He cares for him the same way your family cares for Rose and Jasper. Jake's mom died too. He was very young. So, being his dad's best friend, my dad stepped it up and they became a family of their own. Guys raising a little boy..." She snickered and then cradled my head as she kissed it. Her fingers continued to wind through my hair as she went on. "Guys, doing guy things. All manly and gruff. No female influence to draw out any of their softer sides. Jake turned out to be a complete guy's guy. The total opposite of you."

"Um...wait a sec...I think I'm offended?"

Smiling at me sweetly, she cupped my chin in her hand. "Don't be. It's you I'm in love with."

"And me your dad hates you with."

She twisted her mouth as she considered how to respond. "Okay, the deal with Charlie and Jake, where I'm involved is simply this...he was there when I needed him. Charlie and Billy figured we had common ground, both having lost our mothers. And Jake was really sweet about it. I didn't see his crush coming. Billy told me it was there from when we were kids. I still saw him as a kid..."

"But..." I smirked as I stroked her neck with a finger.

"He grew quickly. And he was a good friend. Really dependable. So devoted. I began to feel flattered by all his attention but I didn't want to love anyone else. It was too late for Charlie and Alice, but I didn't want to add anyone else to my list of potential devastating losses. He wore me down, I guess. I started to care. I didn't realize until you, that what I was feeling for Jacob was a different love. He would be there for me. No matter what. I relied on him. Too much, I think...he thought I cared more than I ever really did." She bent her head to give me a soft kiss. "If you ask Alice, it was something entirely different."

"I know," I admitted. I let out a sigh of relief when she smiled.

"I should've known you two would analyze it," she smirked.

"No no no...it's not like that. Alice has just made a few comments that led me to believe she didn't approve."

"She thinks he took advantage."

"Do _you_?" I asked carefully.

"I don't know anymore. I thought she was dead wrong when she first voiced her opinion. He loves me. He told me he would be with me eternally. No matter what. I needed that."

"And you still do," I stated in a shaky voice. Clearing my throat, I rolled onto my side, leaning on my elbow. I had to get through this without crying. "Bella, I want you to know...I need you to know that I want us to be together for the rest of our lives. And the next, if there is one. I know it's too soon to make those commitments, but it's how I feel. Bella, I love you so much, I'd do anything that would make your life better. I can't promise eternity. I can't give you what you need the most. But he can..." I took a deep breath and squeezed my eyes shut. _Don't cry don't cry don't cry._ "If he's better...for you..."

"Sweetie..." Bella held my face and kissed me. "Sweetie, no. Remember what Rosalie said about settling? Well, I'm not prepared to do that either. Fears be damned, I love Edward Cullen today, tomorrow and for as long as I exist. You are my heart."

One tear flowed down her cheek and I felt my own resolve not to cry dwindling. Damn. Keep at it Cullen, you can do this. "So I'm your choice?"

"Damn right you're my choice. And Charlie will see the light sweetie. He loves Jake because he saw how much he loved me. He'll see that you give me that and more."

"Good, 'cause you know what? I _AM_ better for you. No one can love you better. You're my one true love and I'll fight for that."

She let out a throaty giggle. "No fighting, please!"

"I could take him Bella," I taunted, both of us knowing I was full of shit.

"I'd never forgive him for harming one inch of this beautiful face or body." She gave me kiss that demonstrated how much she meant that. "Don't get any ideas about starting something with him just so I would get pissed off though. He's doing a great job on that himself. I made the mistake of talking to him like he was a friend about...you know, how I'm still afraid to get attached."

Wow. She still trusts him more than me. Be mature about it Cullen. "So how is he pissing you off? Is he giving you doubts that you should have attachments?"

"He's all for an attachment to him," she snorted. "Don't be mad...he reminds me each time we talk that he's forever. I don't want that anymore. I want... I dunno. I want us. And this life we have together. And I want the Jacob I knew before he got possessive."

"Why haven't you said anything about this to me?" I asked gently. Inside, a slow simmer was building. I hated being left out. And I hated that she was turning to him. On the other hand, she was telling me now. If I reacted like an ass, that would be the end of it. "Honey, I've known something's been bothering you. I could've helped. Maybe."

She smiled shyly. "I don't want to dump everything on you. You deal with so much..."

"Bella, nothing is too much when it comes to you! Don't you understand that by now? I want to be part of everything you go through."

"You can't fix everything all on your own Edward."

"I'm aware. Maybe I can't fix your problems, but I can help. I can support you. Bella, I don't want to control you and have everything perfect 24/7! I like what we have, ups and downs...all of it! Because it's us...together." I linked hands with her as I calmed myself down. This shouldn't be an argument. "I'm still scared too, you know," I admitted quietly.

"Of what?" Bella whispered.

"Of doing the wrong thing. Or not doing anything. When I see you upset, it's instinct to want to eliminate whatever's making you upset. But I respect your need for privacy and your independence. It kills me to not be able to help you, or even know if you want me to." I frowned as I tried to figure out if I should go on or just shut the fuck up. Filtering thoughts from spoken words was not always my strong point. I went on regardless. "I think I may have made my biggest mistake in encouraging you to stay close to Jake. If he's making your anxieties worse because of me..."

Bella pulled my hand up to her lips and kissed it as she held onto it with both of her hands. "Total opposites, you are. I can't understand how I managed to love each of you." She spoke quietly, staring at my hands rather than looking into my eyes. I studied her; a tiny, ironic looking smile on her lips. "You both blame you. You're concerned you've steered me wrong and Jake thinks you've changed me. Both of you are arrogant enough to think you have that kind of influence on me." Her eyes lifted as she smirked at me.

I grinned sheepishly with a nod of agreement. "It was your choice..."

"It was, with your approval because I wouldn't continue a relationship at all with him if it hurt you. Understand?"

I nodded.

"He's right. I have changed because of you. He doesn't like the change because I'm happier, stronger, satisfied...with you. I'm realizing these days...as I think it through and shut you out..." She paused to pinch me playfully. "The kind of love you give me is healthier for me. You always consider me...my feelings, my thoughts, my needs. You want what's best for me. Jacob...he's possessive and demanding. He wants me to be what's best for him. Do you see the difference I'm talking about?"

I squinted my eyes as I laid back with a smug grin. "Like I said, I can love you better than anyone."

"Yes Cullen. You can and do." She leaned over me to kiss my forehead, my nose and then my lips. "You don't have to be scared," she whispered.

"Bella, I think we should tackle our fears together from now on. Give me a shot. Maybe I can be better than Jake with that too."

Giggling, she stroked my hair. "So smug...but you're right. Alice thinks so too. She's been giving me shit about Jake."

"Hmm. Alice is wise," I grinned.

"Very."


	74. Chapter 74

_**Nod to SM of course, and also Jack White for a brief lyrical appearance in this chapter. Also Van the Man for a song contribution in Bella's honour. The rest is all Edward. ;)**_

**Chapter 74**

The next two weeks were crazy for us all with classes beginning, work, getting Alice moved in upstairs and planning Bella's birthday. On the big day, I made her breakfast in bed and she had a little of the only the she wanted from me for her birthday. It was similar to my own birthday, time-wise. What can I say, we were pressed for time. I even took a drive to school from her, careful not to disrespect her truck in any way today.

After my classes were done, I rushed home to get my shower out of the way so Bella would have it to herself when she got in. And then we headed over to the club. Jasper and Rosalie had truly taken care of everything, insisting that my only involvement consist of getting Bella there.

"We should've eaten something," Bella commented as we approached the parking lot. I noticed our guests were already there. "Oh! There's Esme!"

"Bella! Happy birthday honey!" She wrapped her in a warm hug and Bella clung to her a bit longer than usual. I smiled appreciatively at my mom over Bella's shoulder.

"Thank you so much for coming Esme. Did you bring Jack?"

"He's inside with the boys and so excited to be here! I think Jasper's just as excited." Esme winked at us.

"He's doing really well huh?" I commented as I went for my hug.

"They both are. My resilient boys." She stroked my cheek before placing a kiss on it. "Let's go in. Everyone's waiting on you!"

Embry let us in. "Happy birthday Sweet Cheeks," he grinned as Bella blushed a deep crimson.

Chuckling, I bent to speak to her quietly. "Is it the nickname or the attention?"

"Both!" she said, wide-eyed.

I kissed her head as I put my arm around her to take her inside. Our friends all cried out their birthday greetings and Bella held onto me tightly. Until she spotted Charlie.

"Dad? Oh my god! You came?" She ran to him and threw her arms around his neck.

"Think I'd miss my baby girl's birthday? Haven't missed one yet."

"But how did you...did Edward..."

"Alice," I stated in reply to her stammering query. "Chief Swan, how are you sir?"

"I'm just perfect Edward."

Right. No leading line into a conversation with me...same ol', same ol'. But for Bella, I would swallow my pride and ignore that he would most likely snub me all evening. "I'll leave you two to get caught up. I'm gonna go find Jack."

"Jack! Dad, have you met him? He's the most adorable little guy. I'm totally in love with him."

"You do that a lot..." He caught her look and glanced at me, his mustache twisted up at one side. "Sorry. Joking. Yes, I have met the little heartbreaker. Quite a story there huh? You know, I may have been able to help him out sooner..."

"Oh Dad! I didn't even think..."

Charlie grinned as he threw his arm over her shoulder. "That's okay Bells. You've spent more time with the Cullens this summer than your old man. It's understandable you wouldn't think of the cop in the family."

Ouch. Yet he said it all with a grin. Bella seemed embarrassed that she hadn't called on his help but didn't seem upset by his words.

Backstage, we found Jack sipping a juice from a cocktail glass, happy as a clam. He flashed his toothless grin when he saw us. "I'm in the band!"

"No way!" I emoted as I picked him up for a hug. "You gonna tell Ty he's out, or do I get to?"

Jack giggled. "I'm only doing one thsong. For Bella!" He held his arms out wide for her and she took him from me.

"I can't wait sweetie. That'll be the best part of the night!"

"Edward'sth doing one too!"

"Shhh! Jack, that was a bro secret dude! You don't tell the women our secrets!" I tickled his side to make him giggle some more.

"Don't you listen to him, Jack. You can tell me everything." She gave him an extra squeeze.

"I made you a card in thschool!"

"You did? Can I see it?" Bella went off with Jack to get her card while I watched them adoringly.

"He's got her charmed, that's for sure." Charlie's words jolted me out of my daze.

I snickered. "Both of us. He's a great kid. I don't think he's been damaged beyond repair."

Charlie nodded as he stroked his mustache. "You guys did great, getting him out of danger that way. Not many kids your age would take such an interest."

I shrugged. "He's family."

"Pretty good shindig your family puts on too. Seen the menu?"

I smiled at him. "Yeah. I've got nothing to do with this though, my parents either. This is entirely done by our friends. They really care about Bella." Charlie examined me closely, his bottom lip sucked in, just like his daughter. What the fuck? It was freaking me out. He slapped me on the back, hard, and wandered off, leaving me rotating my shoulder to get the sting out of my back.

"An actual conversation with Charlie, huh?" Jasper grinned as he joined me.

I nodded, still stunned. "He didn't even threaten me. I might survive the weekend yet."

"Be bold and go forth young man!" Jaz teased. "He's coming around. Two things I gotta talk to you about. First, do you want to do _'Shadow_'? Bella asked for it. Second, when do you want to do your new song?"

"I dunno...Jack's definitely gonna steal the show," I laughed. "Um...mid-way maybe? Gotta build up my nerve."

Jaz raised an eyebrow. "Thought you said you weren't drinking tonight?"

"I'm not. That's why I have to find my balls," I smirked at him. "As for _'Shadow'_, no. Tonight's about Bella, I won't sing something meant for Alice."

"She requested it dude..."

"_I_ won't sing it. You can. Or Sam."

"Not Ty?" he smirked.

"God no! You or Sam. For Bella."

Esme brought out her contribution to the party after dinner - chocolate swirl cheesecake. Individual cakes for everyone, but Bella's had a candle in hers.

"Thank you Esme! This was so much work for you!"

"It's not work when it's for my family!" Emmett and I recited, mocking our mother.

"Listen to my boys," she laughed. "It's the truth sweetheart. We love you so much. Happy birthday." They hugged again and this time Bella came out of it teary.

I took her hand under the table and she leaned into me as she squeezed it and blinked her tears away. "You doing okay? Wanna take a break?"

She nodded. "After dessert."

We took Jack for a walk around the block to burn off some of his energy and give Bella a reprieve from the attention she disliked. "My mom wouldn't take no..." I started to explain.

"It was really sweet of her, I wouldn't be rude and make a fuss."

I smirked. "No. She's not used to birthday fusses unless there are elephants involved."

Bella giggled and wrapped her arms around me as we strolled behind Jack. "This is a really great birthday. Everyone I care about is here...except Jake...but still..."

"Alice didn't think we should..."

"No! No, of course not. It would be uncomfortable. This is perfect. I'm glad I got talked into it. And you're gonna sing?" She smiled up at me before darting in front to kiss my chin. "_'Apple_ _Blossom'_?"

I studied her face and body language. She seemed very relaxed. Was she joking about that song? "Do you want me to sing that for you?"

"That, and every Jack song...White, that is...and every Cullen song." She was in a fantastic mood.

"With Charlie here?"

She nodded. "With Charlie here. He's a big boy. He can handle it."

I grinned as I thought out my game plan. I'd only intended to do the one song, but I could really get into _'Apple Blossom'_. "Hey hey hey! Jack! Slow down! Don't get too far ahead buddy," I called out as I saw him nearing a busy driveway. Bella kissed me once more and then raced off for him, swinging him in circles when she caught up. The sound of them giggling together made me feel warm and fuzzy. Jesus. I was becoming quite a pussy. And I didn't care. Not while I was in love with watching them and hearing their happy voices and laughter.

"Edward, piggy back?" Jack hugged my legs and gave his irresistible grin.

"Absolutely! Climb on!" I knelt down so he could get a hold on me and all three of us laughed together as I trotted him back. "Hey, I think it's Bella's turn. What do you think?" I asked him after a good ride for him. He giggled in response. "Okay dude. Down you get. Come on Bella. Birthday girl's turn!"

"Cullen, no!" she giggled. "We'll get hurt. You will, at least."

"Nah. It's not a fight, I've got it under control. Come on!" I pulled her to me for a lingering kiss while Jack giggled some more. "What's so funny?" I asked him when our lips parted.

"You look like Mopsth and Popsth! They do that in the kitchen!"

"Ugh. I used to hate when they'd do that!" I teased. Inside, that warm fuzzy came back as I realized a kid thought Bella and I acted like an old married couple. Then again, it was that same old married couple that taught me about enduring love and healthy relationships. "We'll totally be kissing in the kitchen 50 years from now," I grinned at Bella.

"We already started that ritual a few months ago. I say we make it a habit."

She squealed as I picked her up and strapped her on my back as Jack had been. "Ready there B?"

"It's a go, Cullen. Blast off!"

I dashed away, trotting all around Jack as he tried to catch us. Our laughter rang out in the night sky and I'd never felt more in love.

When it came time for Jack to go onstage, he suddenly became shy. No matter how much Jasper encouraged him, he wouldn't budge from our table. Bella had spent the last few days spewing out titles of songs she wanted Eclipse to perform - and they happily obliged even though Jack had stage fright.

"I'm gonna take Jack backstage and see if he feels more comfortable from there," I told Bella. "Be back soon." She gave me a kiss and ran her fingers through Jack's hair.

"Wanna know something?" I asked when we were between spaces and he could hear me. "I'm nervous too."

He gave me a skeptical look.

Holding my trembling hands out to show him, I giggled. "See? Scared. And I've done this a hundred times. Bella asked me to sing a song for her, so I have to because I want to make her smile. When you want something bad enough, you can get past your fears." As we reached the stage door, I crouched down beside him. "Jack, would you come out there with me? You don't have to sing, but I do. And I'd feel much better if you were there with me."

He gave me a sideways glance, still doubtful.

"You, me and Jaz. How 'bout it?"

"Just us?"

I nodded. "It can be, but it would be better with Jared. You okay with Jared?"

He shook his head. "Tham!"

I grinned my approval. Sam had visited once when Jack was there and they got along great. Sam didn't talk down to kids...he was comfortable with Ellie's sister being around so much so he knew how to relate. And he shared his M&M's. "Cool. We've got a deal!"

I motioned to Jaz when we got to the side and he came over for a conference. Jared and Ty took the opportunity to go grab some drinks and I walked Jack over to the piano with me. He grinned and buried his face against my side when our friends and family cheered.

"So you're staying right here with me, right?" I whispered to him. "You won't make me do this alone?"

He giggled. "We're right here."

I gave him a wink and then waved to Bella in the audience. He did too. "For my little apple blossom," I said into the mic and we played her request. I gazed directly out at her for the last two lines, as she had moved from the table to stand in front of the stage:

_'I'll fall in love with you  
I think I'll marry you...'_

She was grinning from ear to ear as Esme wrapped her arm around Bella's shoulder. Charlie was on her other side looking...defeated? Hmmm.

"This is a new one. Jaz and I don't have all the kinks worked out, but take it for what it is..." I played the soft intro on my own, my fingers caressing the keys. My voice cracked on the first line. "Sorry!" I giggled and started over, Jasper improvising to help me out. He wasn't supposed to come in until the chorus when it picked up. This worked just as well.

_Broken down and twisted  
Always being used  
An ending to that story  
Didn't make the news_

_Like the child who ran away_  
_Nowhere else to run_  
_The child grew up a bitter man_  
_Until he found the one_

_In my mind you're the bright light_  
_That shines up in the sky_  
_And in my mind you're the reason_  
_My dreams will never die_

_Darkness is the loneliest place_  
_You don't wanna go_  
_Look upon the dark night sky_  
_It's there to see, help you grow_

_Like the light that guided me home_  
_Kept my spirit alive_  
_You know that star is there for me_  
_If you could see it through my eyes_

_In my mind you're the bright light_  
_That shines up in the sky_  
_And in my mind you're the reason_  
_My dreams will never die_

_So shine on_  
_Shine on for me_  
_Shine on shine on_  
_Shine on from afar_

_Now you know who you are _

The last words were barely audible as I was close to losing it when I saw Bella's face. She wiped her tears and blew me a kiss before she buried her face in her hands. Rose was right there beside her, pulling Bella's head on her shoulder as she held her. Emmett held Alice from behind as they both beamed at me. My parents stood similarly. Charlie was on his own with an unreadable expression on his face. I could hear my heart pounding. The cheers and applause then filled in the silence.

"What do you say Jack? Can you do your song now? I got through mine."

He nodded and I gave the thumbs-up to Jaz.

"Whew! Tough to follow an act of true love, but Jack and I have been working on something as well," Jasper led him up front. "He heard this song on the radio weeks ago and it reminds him of our Bella. So, here we go..."

They broke into_ 'Brown Eyed Girl'_. I got Jack set up, holding his mic since the stand wouldn't lower enough for him. He sang along on the chorus as everyone danced in the pit. One chorus was enough for him, so I lifted him down into Bella's arms and they danced together for the rest of it. I sat on the piano bench, behind Jaz, watching my Bella happier than I'd ever seen her. God, she looked beautiful. I caught a glimpse of Charlie watching me watching his daughter - he wore the same expression of deep thought. And then I went back to Bella. The others faded out as she held the spotlight for me.

The band finished up and I was still behind the piano, lost in my own bliss. "Thank you," Bella said softly as she sat beside me, her arms around my waist.

I nodded and kissed her forehead.

"What were you doing here?"

"Just watching you. I could watch you all night, you're so beautiful."

She held my face and kissed me tenderly. "You're sweet, and you're gonna make me cry again. In a good way," she smirked.

"I mean it," I grinned back. "I love you so much Bella."

For the second time, everyone else faded and it was only me and Bella.

* * *

_A/N ~ *sigh* Edward's euphoric, and you know what that means... He'd better enjoy it while he can.  
Keep your comments coming please! Love love love 'em! ~ SR_


	75. Chapter 75

**Chapter 75**

"Fuck it! I give up!" Seated behind the wheel of the Red Monster, I pounded the steering wheel in frustration. "You wanna give it a try?"

"Move." Alice rolled her eyes at me and slid across the seat as I got out. She turned the ignition and had the same grumbling results I'd gotten.

"Ha! See? It's not allergic to me. I'm not dysfunctional. It's the stupid truck!" I leaned in the window, gloating over her inability to start it up either. She'd been giving me a hard time about it for the half hour I'd been trying.

"Okay, okay. Maybe the starter's gone?"

"It shouldn't make any noise at all then, right? Sounds like it just won't catch. I have no clue why."

"Maybe Jake put a curse on it," Alice giggled. "He doesn't want your capable hands on Bella or her truck."

I grinned and I'm sure I turned red. "He didn't have to bother. It's only Bella I'm interested in. We're going to have to tell her, aren't we." My birthday surprise for Bella that Alice had been working with me on was a trip home for the weekend. To Bella's home. "We can't even start it, let alone drive it out there."

"We could ask to borrow your parents' car."

"Bella's off work in an hour," I reminded her. "Besides, she'll think I sabotaged her truck so I could drive a snobby car."

Alice smirked, having been filled in on the details of our last argument. "What else can we do? Take the train there, or to your place for the car...No matter what, we'll be later than we told Charlie. I should call him."

"Or we tell Bella and let her drive us there." I hated that option but it seemed the most reasonable.

"I could ask Charlie to come pick us up."

I snorted in response. "And have him think I'm incapable of even getting his daughter home on my own? No thank you." I'd had everything planned out so well, hoping to impress on him that I wanted what was best for Bella. Hoping to impress him, period. The truck was already loaded with his favourite beer, a cooler full of steaks, sausages, eggs...his favourites foods, as Alice had assured me. Alice had packed a bag for Bella so it could be a total surprise. We were supposed to pick her up from work and go. Damn, why couldn't this one thing work out for me without any problems. I scratched at my head whilst trying to decide my course of action.

"Hey! Aren't you supposed to be on your way?" Rosalie called out as she approached the house, arms full of grocery bags.

I went to help her out. "Fuckin' truck won't start!" I complained as I relieved her of half the bags.

Shooting me a warning look to remind me not to spout off about Bella's truck again, she went over to the open window. "Want me to try?"

Alice jumped out. "Be my guest!"

After dumping her bags on the seat, Rose gave it a shot. Same result, a lot of noise without a rev. "Sounds like the choke," she announced as she climbed out and opened the hood. "Try it now?" she called out as she fiddled with something. It started up right away.

"Rosalie! What the hell? How'd you do that?"

Snickering, she looked at me smugly. "Never underestimate me baby. Remember that old beater I had for first year? It did that all the time. Em showed me how to get around it. Bella will need to get it fixed, but this is all you need to do until then." She showed me Emmett's trick and we were off, problem solved.

Bella was waiting out front when we arrived, looking baffled and impressed that I was actually driving her beast. "What the fuck Cullen? Feeling adventurous?"

I grinned before kissing her. "Are you? We're taking a little roadtrip, the three of us. And I'm driving. Can you handle it?"

"Roadtrip? Where? I don't have anything..."

"Taken care of!" Alice ushered her into the truck as I went around to the driver's side. "You'll see soon enough. You'll like it, trust me."

Bella smiled, relaxed, sandwiched between the two people she trusted most. Her smile widened even more when she realized where we were headed. She was outright giddy when we arrived and saw Charlie waiting for us on the porch.

"Welcome home baby girl!" He picked her up in a big bear hug as she ran to him. "Twice in one week I get to see you. I could get used to this."

"You knew?"

"Ah, so they did keep the surprise," Charlie chuckled as he gave Alice a hug. "Didn't think you had it in you Alice. I was certain Mr. Sensitive here would _have to_ blab."

"Dad!" Bella hissed. "Be nice!"

"It's a joke, Bells. Does he not have a sense of humour? Do you have a sense of humour Edward?"

"A very sensitive one," I quipped with a smirk.

Charlie's lip twitched in a half-smirk himself. "A sarcastic one." He nodded his approval. "Good. This'll work. Why don't you girls go on in while Edward and I unload the truck. There's iced tea in the fridge, just made it." He waited until they were inside before making a move for the truck. "Good lord boy! How long are you staying?"

"Alice packed most of it," I explained. "And we brought some food..."

"You brought food? What, you don't think I can provide food for a weekend?"

There was no sign of him joking at this point. Jesus, this reluctance to accept things from me ran in the Swan family. "No...I mean, yes. Of course you can feed us...I just thought it's a lot to ask. It's nice of you to have all three of us here, so this was our contribution...so I'm not imposing or anything." I frowned as I stuck my hands in my pockets and took a deep breath to stop myself from babbling. Bella had said that her dad liked the total guy thing. Babbling like an idiot was not normal for guys hanging out. Just talk normally Cullen. Jeez. "We don't have to use it if you don't want to. Either way, the beer is yours. It's a host gift. My mother would kick my ass if I came without something for the host." Okay, most guys would not bring up their mother, I realized too late.

Charlie snorted a laugh as he slapped me on the back. "I suppose she would. Thank you Edward. Beer is accepted. Whatcha got in that cooler anyway?" We went over the inventory and I got his approval after all. "Before we head inside, I did want to thank you for bringing Bells out here like this. I know I saw her on her birthday, but this is appreciated. More than you could know."

I nodded in agreement. "Bella needs it. She misses you."

I felt Charlie's stare boring into me as I bent to pick up the last of the bags. It was the same intense gaze he'd given me at the club. Whatever it was, it made me nervous. Nerves made my hands sweat and so I ended up dropping everything I'd just gathered in an attempt to get a better grip on them. Charlie chuckled. Not in a way that Jaz or even my brother would when I did something idiotic...and it just made me more nervous.

Things did not improve inside either.

"Alice, you'll be in the spare room." Charlie nodded to the room behind the stairs. "Edward, you get the couch."

"The basement's better, Dad. He can have some privacy there."

Charlie lifted an eyebrow at her opposition. "The couch is fine."

"The couch is fine," I reiterated to show my support in his rules.

Bella rolled her eyes as she wrapped her arms around my waist. "He thinks I'll sneak downstairs and we'll make out," she taunted before she gave me a kiss.

I cut the kiss short and reached for the iced tea Alice had brought out. I dribbled. Charlie snickered and popped open one of his beers. I'd never felt this incredibly awkward in my life.

"Hey! You haven't been here before, have you! Come on, I'll show you around." Alice took my glass from me and shoved me towards the back of the house.

"Thanks for rescuing me!" I sighed in relief once we were alone. "I can't take him sizing me up constantly!"

Alice grinned at me. "The only one you need rescued from is yourself! Dude! Relax! I'll let you in on a secret...Charlie's already done sizing you up. You don't have to try so hard. Just be yourself."

"This _is _me! I'm a total doofus when I'm around him..."

Alice shook her head and grabbed hold of both my arms. "Listen to me Edward. Be yourself...how you are with Bella? That's what impresses him. It doesn't matter if you have no other common interest...you have Bella and you both adore her. That's what matters. Go ahead and trip over things, be a slob, whatever you do...Bella loves that you're just you. Cullen. _Her _Cullen. Be yourself and love her. Get it?"

I smiled shyly as I hugged my friend. "Alice, I'm so lucky to have you."

"Yes. Yes you are!" She winked and grabbed my hand to continue her tour of the main level and basement of the house.

"About time!" Bella grinned when we returned. "I thought you got lost."

"He could get lost out back too if Alice would just show him the way."

Bella didn't even respond, aside from her bitch glare in his direction. She took my hand instead. "I'll show you upstairs."

"There'll be time for that tomorrow. We've got an early morning ahead, I'd suggest we all settle in for now. Him...down here."

"Don't be such a grump. You do know that you being an ass is just making my boyfriend more of a saint in my eyes. What he has to endure for me..." Bella teased as she pinched his cheek as she pulled me towards the stairs. "I want you to see my room."

"Leave the door open!" Charlie called out after us.

Bella slammed it shut behind us, giggling, before wrapping her arms around my neck to bring my lips to hers in a much too hot for the situation kiss. "I can't believe you did this. A whole weekend of that? I'm so sorry. I'll make it up to you when we go home, but until then, I apologize for my father. And I adore you Cullen." I got another steamy kiss which, despite the stressful situation, I found arousing on a whole new level.

"Does your bed creak? He forbid you coming down to me, but he didn't say I couldn't sneak upstairs..." I sat on her bed and bounced a bit.

**_"DOOR!"_**

We giggled at Charlie's bark and I went and opened the door with a shrug. "His rules." I took a look around Bella's room for the first time and frowned. "This doesn't seem like you."

"What's wrong with it?" She asked as she sat on her bed and opened the drawer of her nightstand.

"It's nothing at all like your room now. It's...bland. It doesn't say, 'This is Bella's room'."

With a smirk, she pointed to the purple sign on the door. "You're not very observant. It clearly says _'Bella's Room'_. Anyway, this was me when I lived here. Bland. Come here. " She patted the bed beside her. "I want to show you my mom."

The bed creaked loudly as I sat, making me cringe and shoot straight back up as we heard Charlie clearing his throat from the stairs. "Okay. No night visits. I get it," I whispered with a grin and knelt on the floor instead. Bella passed me a framed photo collage of her family at various ages. "I can see you...kinda...in your mom. You have the same beautiful smile. But, as much as it pains me to say it, I think you take after Charlie more," I said lightly.

"Sans mustache, of course," she giggled.

"Of course." I placed the frame on her lap and held her face to place a soft kiss on her lips. "Why do you keep it in the drawer? It's great. It should be out. It should be seen."

She released her lip that she'd bit down on briefly. "It hurt too much to see it all the time."

"And now?" I asked softly.

"I think I'll take it home with us when we go. I think I'm ready. What do you think?"

"I think, Bella Swan, that you can do anything. You're much stronger than you realize. We'll find a great place to put this...you can decide whether it'll be someplace you see all the time, or pass by occassionally."

"It could use a new frame though." Charlie's voice from the doorway startled me and I jumped away from Bella. He gave a half smirk and then sat beside Bella with his arm around her. I stayed seated on the floor, not knowing where to look or if I should leave the room altogether. "Definitely deserves a spiffier frame. Art in the Park is on this weekend. We should go see what we can find."

Bella gave him a hug, the frame in between them. "Thanks Dad," she whispered.

"And you should get your boyfriend set up on the couch. We do have a long day ahead of us."

That was my cue to get up. It was then that I realized how aroused that kiss had made me. It's affects still lingered. My hands went into my pockets quickly and I tried to catch Bella's attention to help me out when Charlie attempted to hand me a pile of bedding. Her attention was still on the photos of her mom so I did the best I could, grabbing the pile and holding it at my waist. "I'll uh...just take these down..." I made a dash for the door and reached in to make an adjustment while I made my way down the stairs. Uncomfortable, but less noticeable...I hoped.

* * *

_A/N ~ Is there anything Edward wouldn't do for this girl? lol It'll be an interesting day for the group tomorrow. Keep reading! :) ~ SR_


	76. Chapter 76

**Chapter 76**

He wasn't kidding about the early morning. It felt like my head had just hit the pillow, with Bella's soft lips brushing against mine before she went to bed herself when the room suddenly lit up and a loud crash behind me woke me abruptly. I rubbed at my squinted eyes as I sat up.

"Did I wake you?" Charlie asked innocently.

I smirked as I flopped back down with a groan. "Morning Chief," I mumbled.

"I'd suggest you get up now before the girls come out. Put your pants on." He tossed my jeans at me and headed into the kitchen. "You a coffee drinker?"

"Dedicated," I called back as I bent to get my feet into the proper legs. _Make it strong!_ I thought as my body rejected the attempt to go upright. "I'm fucking crazy," I mumbled to myself.

"And super hot with your hair all messy like that." Bella's arms wrapped around my chest as she sat behind me on the couch, nibbling on my bare shoulder.

"Your dad's in the kitchen," I whispered...

"Uh-huh. I don't wanna nibble him. It's you I'm after."

Her lips ran along my flesh, and when she got to my neck, I felt the cool steel ball and instantly pulled away. "Bella, you know what I'm like in the morning. This is not helping the situation." I smiled my crooked grin and quickly made my way to the bathroom.

The coffee, along with the sausages and eggs Charlie whipped up was a great start to an insanely early day. Even after showers and breakfast, we were still heading out the door in the dark. I was still in the dark as to our destination as well...I soon figured it out when we arrived at the riverbank. Fishing. Oh boy. I didn't even have a book, I'd have to suck it up. For Bella, I would.

"You look thrilled," Charlie commented an hour into it. He plopped himself down on the dock beside me, where I'd sat for the past hour with a rod in hand (not my usual one) staring out at the water and wondering what the point to this was.

I smirked in response. "Are we allowed to speak? We won't frighten away the zillion fish that are just waiting to hook up my line?"

"This is a practise in patience."

No fucking shit. I smirked in response.

"You're doing well, I have to admit."

I looked at him incredulously. "I haven't caught anything."

"Alice is the only one who has...typical," he snorted. "You're doing well with the patience, I mean."

"Oh. Yeah. That I can do. Most times. Not always, but I do try."

"You've been patient with my daughter." He stared out at the water, avoiding looking at me. "I know that's difficult sometimes. Has been for me; I can only imagine what you go through."

How do I respond to that?

Charlie elbowed me. "You don't have to look like you just pissed yourself. I was just making a comment. Bella can be difficult. She's just like her mother was...stubborn. And beautiful. But very trying. Hey, you've got a bite there!" He grabbed onto my hands on the reel and pulled back gently. "Keep it steady. Stand up," he advised as he came around behind me. He showed me how to give and take with the line and together, we reeled in a hard fighting trout. "Good man! We may make a fisherman out of him yet girls!"

I had my doubts, but did feel proud that I'd managed to do something right in front of Charlie. After we'd caught our share, we iced them and headed home to clean up. Lunch and Art in the Park was much more to my taste than fishing and I was feeling more at ease when we broke out the frisbee in the open area and challenged another family. Bella and Charlie found a beautiful antiqued frame for her photos and Alice was eyeing an embroidered bag when I stopped to admire the work a woman was doing with wire and tiny stones.

"You polish them?" I enquired as I watched.

"No honey, they're river stones. Nature does all the work for me," she grinned.

My attention turned to some crystal-like stones. "These too?"

"River glass. I collect interesting looking pieces and file them down to reshape them. Looking for something in particular? For your mom or girlfriend..."

I smiled as I had a thought. "You don't have any shaped like apple blossoms, do you?"

"Hmm...haven't had that request before. There's a rose. An iris. Sorry, nothing that could pass as an apple blossom. Interesting choice. It means something, I take it."

"Yeah," I smiled as I sorted through her collection looking for an alternative. A pale blue piece caught my eye and I picked it up for a better look.

"That's one of my favourites. Looks like a crystal captured inside the glass. Nature can be the best artist!"

It didn't just look like a crystal inside. It looked like a snowflake. "Can you change the shape of this piece?"

She took it from me to examine it closer. "I couldn't make it into an apple blossom, if that's what you're thinking of. If I rounded off this edge, you'd lose some of the inside and that's the best part."

"No no. I was thinking more of a star?"

The vendor raised her eyebrows in interest and then winked at me. "Give me about an hour honey? You want it as it is or as a pendant..."

"Yeah! Could you do that? That would be perfect!" We settled on a price and time and that evening, I returned to Charlie's house with the perfect gift for Bella. Inexpensive but meaningful.

* * *

"Hope your brought some warm clothes; it gets chilly out there," Charlie commented as we prepared for the evening's activities - a camp-out.

Alice, knowing Charlie, had indeed prepared us for that possibility. We layered up and helped Charlie load his car with all the supplies. The girls took the back seat, forcing me to ride up front with Charlie in an uncomfortable silence to start off our drive. The girls, on the other hand, chatted easily between themselves, making our lack of conversation even more obvious.

Charlie finally broke it up. "So your dad...Carlisle...what should I call him anyway?"

"Whatever you like. He is my dad...I know it's confusing, but I do refer to him as my father."

He nodded his understanding. "Well, he invited me along on a fishing trip with some of his co-workers."

"He did?" Jesus! If my dad and his colleagues were going fishing, it wasn't sitting on a dock somewhere. There'd be a yacht involved. Was Bella aware of this? Did Charlie comprehend the difference in their ideas of 'fishing'? "He hadn't mentioned that. Will you go?"

"Damn right! I'd never pass up a chance to kick back like that if I could get away from work. As it happens, I have some time owing...and I've never experienced a trip like Carlisle's got going. Closest thing is me and Billy Black in a row boat," he chuckled. "Hardly the same." He glanced over at me with his signature half-smirk. "You coming along?"

I snorted out a laugh. "I don't think I've been invited. My brother, maybe. But me? Highly unlikely. Seriously, that trout this morning? Total fluke."

He frowned at me. "Edward, it's not entirely about the catches. It's male bonding. Don't you bond with the men?"

I shrugged. "Sure. On stage, I guess. That's the closest I get to male bonding in the sense you mean. I'm more apt to enjoy a conversation over a meal or drinks or something than on a boat...no offence."

"None taken." He drove along silently once more before glancing across at me again. I watched him check the rear view mirror and then look at me again before speaking in a lower tone. "You uh...you've met Jacob, right?"

I tensed immediately, hearing his name. "Yeah. Once. Briefly."

"He might come by with Billy tonight. I just wanted to give you a head's up about that."

"Oh. Okay." What the fuck? Was it just that or was he watching for my reaction? "Thanks for letting me know. He knows Bella's home?"

"Yup. He knows all of you are here. I speak to Billy just about every day."

I nodded my understanding this time. "He's your Jasper. I don't go a day without talking to him either."

"Mmm-hmm. Thing is, Jacob's like family. He's Billy's only kid and so they're a packaged deal. This thing with Bella has put a strain on family gatherings but I'm hoping to put that to rest and move on. Jake's family. Always will be. But it's about time he accepts that Bella has made another choice. I'm feeling pretty close to acceptance these days myself."

A wide grin spread across my reddening face as I stared out the side window. Seems like Alice is right yet again, I thought.

Camp was simple enough to set up, as it only involved beach chairs and sleeping bags. No tents for a Swan camp-out. We'd be sleeping under the stars which suited me fine. It reminded me of my nights with Bella in our hammock at home. We got a fire started before it got dark and Charlie cooked up the fish we'd caught that morning. Fresh fish, on an open fire...it was unbelievably tasty; even better followed by a beer offered up by Charlie.

"Chief Swan, I'm really sorry I didn't do this earlier in the summer." He and I sat back sipping our beers while Alice and Bella took a stroll along the beach.

He shrugged. "It's easy to get so wrapped up in the day-to-day you don't see what you're missing. I understand. You're here now." He took a long swallow and threw another log on the fire. "And...you might as well drop the formality. I have a feeling you're in this for the long run. You can call me Charlie."

I held back the huge grin I was feeling, allowing only one corner of my mouth to lift. "Thanks. And we'll try to divide our time spent at home more evenly between here and mine."

"Hey, it's not like I'm looking to have you live here or anything...don't get me wrong. I'm growing a healthy respect for the way you handle my daughter. I've seen a huge change in her these past months, for the better. I've had to remove my head from my ass to admit it's because of you." He chuckled at something unknown to me. "You do know I want to hate you. With a passion, I want to hate you. For Bella's sake, I'm easing up and getting to know you." His words sounded reluctant. He was uncomfortable for once...good! "Pisser. I actually _like _you. I wasn't expecting that."

I chuckled along with him now. "I wasn't expecting it either. You kinda scare the shit out of me," I admitted.

"Good! Because what I said to you back at the beginning of the summer still stands. I'd hate to hurt you now, but if you hurt my baby girl or knock her up..."

"I know, I know." My legs inched closer together, subconsciously protecting my balls.

"Yeah. About that stuff...I'm not a fool. And Bella's a grown woman...jesus christ, how did that happen?" he muttered more to himself. "But she's still my little Bells and well...just..." He took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. "Be good to her. And don't ever put yourself in a situation where I'll walk in on you. Understand?"

"Yes sir."

"Cut the formal crap kid. Keep your dick in your pants while you're in my house and I don't want to know what goes on when you're not here. That's my baby you're screwing around with. That's all. Here they come. I'm glad we had this talk." Charlie left me sitting with my mouth hung open as he went to grab more firewood. Maybe he really is just gruff, like Bella always told me. Maybe it hasn't been so personal all along. Except when it related to my dick..._that_ was personal.

I stood to greet the girls and leaned in to give Bella a kiss. "I think I just got your dad's blessing to be with you." She smiled and pulled me down for a longer, deeper kiss. "It feels really good to be accepted by him Bella. This weekend is great for both of us." A shiver ran through me and I felt goosebumps on Bella's arms as I broke our embrace. "You're cold. Me too...it hit fast!"

"That's why I went for the sleeping bags!" Alice chimed, tossing ours by our chairs. She opened hers up and stepped into it before reclining in her chair. "Ahhhh, much better."

It looked inviting, so I did the same. We watched Bella and Charlie playfully bickering over when the coldest camp-out was as they restacked the wood in the fire to build a larger one for warmth. She was shivering when she came over to me. "Here," I pulled my own hoodie off and put it on Bella. "It's better going on warm." I helped her put her jacket over it before putting my own on and climbing back into my bag. Charlie's lip disappearing between his teeth only briefly when he saw her climb in mine with me, sitting between my legs and leaning against me. With silent acceptance, he sat beside us and draped his bag over his legs. I wrapped my arms around my girl and whispered, "I love you."

My feeling of utter bliss quickly came to an end when I saw two dark figures approaching. I recognised the size and shape of one of them and was thankful to have on so many layers that Bella wouldn't feel my heart racing against her back as Jacob came into view.

"Ah! You made it!" Charlie greeted his old friend amicably as he stood.

"We had to see Bella! It's been too long young lady," Billy Black teased her with a loving grin. "Come give an old man a hug."

Reluctantly, I took my arms off Bella so we could attempt to squirm out of the sleeping bag. She gave my waist a squeeze before going to Billy and Jacob. Alice was watching me try to be nonchalant about it all.

"You remember Alice?" Charlie continued being the gracious host. "And this is Edward. Jake, you know both, right?"

He nodded, hands clenched into fists at his side. "Hi."

Alice titled her head in a slight nod towards Jake and then teased Billy about his knee-length parka.

"How are you Jake?" I reached out my hand and we shook politely. "Good to see you again."

He didn't reply, instead turning to Bella with a smile. "Happy birthday. Sorry I missed the actual day." He approached her, arms open and she gave him a quick 'buddy' hug before joining me at my side.

There was obvious tension displayed by everyone and I saw what Charlie had meant earlier when he said the Bella/Jacob thing had affected their foursome. He and Billy tried to keep things upbeat. Beers were passed around, which I declined. I needed to keep a clear head, as much as I wanted to get wasted and not feel uncomfortable. And I couldn't risk stupid, drunken behaviour when I'd just gotten to feel like I would be accepted by Charlie.

Bella got in her own bag this time to sit by the fire, pulling her chair against mine. Jake pulled up on her other side and monopolized her attention. Alice sat looking grumpy as she sipped her beer.

"Charlie here tells me you'll be going to medical school, Edward," Billy said in an attempt to include me.

"Yes sir. Next year, hopefully."

"Have you selected a school? A field?"

I smirked to myself. "No and no. I just know I'll be following in my father's footsteps. I guess I'll decide which field suits me best at whatever school accepts me."

"His parents are rich, remember Dad?" Jake spoke up. "He can go to whatever school he wants."

Bella made a face as I felt the dig. Had she discussed her issues with my family's wealth with him too? "Jake, that's really rude. Edward is brilliant. He doesn't need to buy his way into med school."

"It is an option though," he quipped.

"So is police training Jake." Charlie slapped his knee. "Given it any more thought for next year yourself?" And the conversation was deflected away from me and my rich family. Why was this such a thing with them? I'd never felt 'rich', personally. The night got better when that conversation led to Charlie relating funny police stories and I soon forgot I was in the company of Bella's ex. Alice, however, remained stoic.

"You okay Al?" I leaned in to whisper at one point.

"Watch him Edward. Don't relax just yet. He's up to something."

"Alice...I trust Bella. And I refuse to be jealous over an outdated issue. He's fine. We're fine, right? There was some brief awkwardness but we got to the good friends stage again."

"Don't say I didn't warn you," she snapped. "Bella? I have to go to the ladies room. Come with me?"

"You shouldn't go off in the dark alone..." Charlie's instinct to protect kicked in.

"I'll take them." Jake was on his feet in a flash.

Bella grabbed my hand and pulled me up too. "You should see where the public washrooms are for when you need it. Come." She kept hold of my hand while we walked and gave me a kiss on the neck when she let go to go inside.

* * *

_A/N ~ Here we go... we all know Alice is ALWAYS right. Damn her! ;) ~ SR_


	77. Chapter 77

**Chapter 77**

I rejoined Jake after taking advantage of the opportunity to relieve myself at the public washrooms as well. "What takes girls so long?" I muttered to break the silence.

"Heh. They're in there talking about us. Guarantee it." He leaned against the building, hands in his pockets staring me down. "You and Alice close?"

"Yeah! Yeah, we've known each other awhile. I met Bella through her actually...we're old friends...she's dating my brother..." I was grateful for a regular chat with this guy.

He nodded. "She's never liked me."

I smirked, knowing he spoke the truth. "Alice is pretty unmovable once she makes up her mind about something." I ran my fingers through my hair as I pondered a subject to switch to. Nothing good could come of this one. "Hey, did Bella tell you she took a film class over the summer?"

"Of course she did..."

"She brought her film projects so Charlie could see them, you should watch too. They did an amazing job with them."

Jake let out a snort. "Yeah, well Bella's a great little actress. She's putting on a great act tonight."

"Of...?" What was he up to? _Oh Alice...don't be right ALL the time!_

He shrugged like he knew something I didn't. "She's doing a fine performance of being alright with a relationship that makes her really uncomfortable."

Oh, he was referring to them. "Well, it's not always easy in these situations, but you've gotta try to maintain some level of friendship when you've been involved with a person for so long." Listen up young one, I thought to myself smugly.

He smirked in return. "Yeah. I was talking about you."

"_Me,_" I stated, smugness diminishing and uneasiness returning. "How do you figure she's acting? Trust me, Bella's just fine."

"Listen pal, I've known Bella all my life; she's not fine. But you can continue on pretending it's all good...when she crashes, I'll pick up the pieces. I always do."

All feelings I'd previously had about this guy - the guilt, the pity, all of it were washed away as he stood there so certain of himself. "Look kid, I don't know what you're trying to prove here, but I can assure you I know Bella. And she's getting stronger and yes, happier, every day."

"So you think. You do know she tells me everything." He was completely calm as he stood there smirking. He was seriously starting to piss me off.

I shrugged. "Except for during those months that she spent falling in love with me. You did seem quite shocked at the time. She must've forgotten to mention that to you?" Okay, so I felt a tad horrible for rubbing his nose in it, but he was asking for it.

That got him rattled. His face reddened and the smirk was replaced with a snarl. "She was fine until _YOU_ got your hands on her! You used her!"

"Excuse me? You have no fucking clue what you're talking about, so just let it go Jake. I've not used Bella for anything. Ever. Everything that's happened? It's all been her. Every bit of it, her choice."

"You've convinced her she's better off..."

"No! _She decided_ she's better off..."

"I could kill you for messing around with my girl!"

I snickered at his show of bravado. "Have you not been listening? Bella is with me by choice!"

"Asshole!"

I grinned at him. "Feel better?"

"I will in a minute...after I kick your smug ass!" He lunged at me as the girls walked out of the building.

"No no no no..." Bella was in between us in a flash. So quick that Jake didn't have time to hold his punch. It caught her on the collarbone. "_Fuck!_ Jake!"

"You stupid little shit!" I screamed at him. "Look what you did!" I pulled Bella into me protectively. "Are you okay honey?"

"Winded...that's all." She held her chest as she tried to control her breathing. "And pissed! Come on you guys...fighting? Really? Edward, you know how I feel about that!"

"Yeah," I couldn't help but gloat. "I do. Does he?"

"Jake knows. It just hasn't gotten through his THICK skull!"

He stepped towards her, lowering his head so he was closer to her face and held her arms. "Bella, you know I didn't mean to hit you."

"But you DID!" I called out, moving closer myself.

"Am I talking to you asshole? No. So back the fuck off. Bella honey, let me check you out; make sure you're not bruised..." His hand pulled at her shirt collar and she slapped it away.

"Get your hands off her!" I stepped between them. "Look, I'm not gonna fight with you. Bella doesn't want that. But you seriously need to get away from her. Now."

He didn't flinch or move an inch, instead he reached for her again. "She's used to my touch. It doesn't frighten her." He traced a finger along her cheek and she cringed ever so slightly, breathing rapidly. "See? She still wants it."

"Jake!" Bella pushed his hand away abruptly. "We've _talked _about this!" she hissed at him. "Please don't...you know I'm with Edward...Jake...please?"

His smug grin and intense stare at her was really pissing me off. "Okay. I'll wait. For _you _Bella."

Wait for what? Did he seriously think she was still going to go back to him? "I think you should know this relationship Bella and I have is quite serious Jake. You're wasting your time waiting for something that's never going to happen." He said nothing in return. I wanted to wipe that stupid, smug fucking grin off his face. "A teen romance is one thing, but we have the full deal," I advised him calmly. "In every way that constitutes an adult relationship."

Alice had been hanging back, stunned by the initial scene, but now she approached us holding back a smile. "Maybe it's a good idea to have it out, all together. Then there's no game-playing. No misunderstandings. Just lay it out."

"I'll lay _HIM_ out!" Jake threatened, almost comically.

"Jake! I can't deal with you like this. Go home!" Bella used a forceful voice I'd never heard from her before.

"Bella, please..." Jake reached for her but she pulled away.

Glaring at him, she took several steps back. "Go home Jake. Call me when you've calmed down."

As he stalked off, Alice went to Bella, her arms around her as she cocked an eyebrow in my direction. I could almost hear_ 'I told you so!'_ "You did the right thing Bella. The boy needs to learn how to control that temper of his."

"It freaks me out when he gets so angry. What happened anyway?" Bella pulled away from Alice and looked at me. "He was fine a minute ago. Did you say something?"

"Did _I_ say something? This is somehow my fault? You can't be serious!" Shit...the last thing I'd wanted was a scene. I wanted this weekend to be perfect for her. I'd done everything I could to make it good for her, including putting up with an uncomfortable gathering because it was something she wanted. And now she was going to put the blame for Jake's immaturity on me?

"I just asked...I'm not accusing you of anything..." Bella reddened as she realized what she'd done.

"No, I think you did. And to be honest Bella, I'm a little tired of taking shit for stuff that I don't do and know nothing about." In my head, a small voice was telling me to let it go; it would ruin the weekend, lose all the points I'd made with her father... it would just blow to have an argument now. A stronger voice told me to speak up or forever be a pussy. Unable to keep it in any longer, I went with the stronger voice. "Can you tell me one thing? How did you expect me to be tonight Bella?"

"I thought you were okay with Jake and I being friends..."

"I am! If that's what this is. It doesn't seem like it but how the fuck would I know? You tell me nothing Bella. Sorry, scrap that. You drop bombs on me periodically that I'm just supposed to accept and not question, lest I be judgemental, right?"

"You're bringing that into it? Really? I apologized..."

"Yeah! You're sorry you feel that way, but it doesn't mean you don't Bella. And I don't care! You feel what you feel... whatever! But I'm more than sick of having to constantly guess what's going on with you. I thought we'd agreed to work together on this, but clearly you're still having private chats with your ex and you don't have issues telling him what's on your mind. So what exactly do you want from me Bella? Do I keep doing what I think is right and pissing you off or do I stop bothering to try and please you altogether?"

"It bothers you that I talk to Jake...Edward! You encouraged it!"

"I KNOW! Because I'm an idiot!"

Bella rolled her eyes at me and hugged her arms around herself, closing up. As usual.

"I didn't think it would bother me, but it _DOES_, okay? I made a mistake..."

"Why is it different for me?" Bella suddenly blurted out. "I'm supposed to accept all the close female friends you have because they were there before me but it's wrong for me to still be close with Jake? How is that right, Edward?"

"Because I didn't fuck my friends! I guess that's what it comes down to Bella. I dunno...maybe if I had slept with Alice and explored an actual relationship with her it would be different, but we didn't. It was a mutual crush that both of us moved on from and the friendship survived. It's entirely different when the one guy you loved is the one guy you had a physical relationship with and he's not letting go! To top it off, you didn't even tell me about it; just like when we started out."

"Uh guys," Alice interrupted briefly. "This is more than a little awkward...I'll just give you some privacy."

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. "You're not going back on your own Alice. We'll finish this later." I looked at Bella for confirmation. Why? Because it's what I do; I back down and do the right fucking thing for everyone else. Always.

* * *

Bella stuck close to Alice as we packed up and made our way home. Charlie clearly sensed the tension and I was aware of, and greatly appreciated, his efforts to put me at ease. He put a hand on my shoulder as I loaded the last chair in his trunk.

"How 'bout you and me ditch the girls when we get home and sit back with a cold one. These clear nights are too nice not to enjoy the night sky."

"Yeah," I grinned. "I'd like that. Thank you sir."

He gave my shoulder a squeeze and smirked at me as he glanced over at his daughter. "Maybe more than one," he chuckled nodding at the case of beer.

There wasn't an issue when we got back. Both girls took off, leaving us to unload. Charlie opened two bottles when we were done and led me out to the porch. "This here is the reason I moved back. This sky...can't get it in the city."

I nodded my agreement. "I think I'd like to practice in a small town when the time comes. I guess that's a long way of for me; I'll need hospital experience before I get my own practice."

"Tell you what, when the time's right, I'll have ol' Doc Abrams have a little accident and you can fill his spot right here. I'd love to have Bella closer. That was the hardest part about deciding to return here...leaving my baby girl behind."

I nodded again, taking note of the fact that Charlie assumed we'd be together when I finished school years from now. "She missed you. It must have been difficult for her not to see that you were safe every day."

"Yep. I know it. My biggest regret. It's left her with some...insecurities. As I'm sure you realize."

I chuckled and took a long drink. "I can hardly complain, sir. I've got a few of my own."

"Jake being one, I take it." He turned to face me suddenly. "I don't mean to pry. Bella would kill me if she knew I was talking to you like this...but look, I know tonight was awkward. You could cut the tension in the air. As a cop, I observe. Pick up body language, just get a sense of things, understand?"

"Yes sir," I acknowledged quietly. Here's where I get shit from daddy as well.

"You handled yourself well out there son. It shows good character."

I choked on a swallow gone down wrong when I heard his compliment rather than criticism.

He walloped my back as I struggled to regain my breath and composure and kept talking. "Jacob's a bit of a hot-head. Always has been. We've had more than a few talks about that, me and him. Not only for his own sake, but I don't want my daughter subjected to the kind of temper he displays. You're an entirely different breed Edward."

"I have my moments as well..."

He shook his head. "Nothing at all like Jake's rages. I'd see it in you; in Bella _with _you. No, you're different... good upbringing. Not that Billy didn't do his best, but it was just the two of them. You've had a full family support system and it shows. You're a well-rounded young man and years beyond young Jake in emotional growth." He stopped to finish off his bottle. "Christ, I can't believe I'm sitting here yammering on about 'emotional growth'."

I chuckled with him and accepted a second bottle that he passed over. Why the hell not? "He's still so young, he'll grow up. Billy seems like a really great guy, so his kid can't be so bad. Plus, he's had a lot to deal with too."

Charlie did that stare thing again that instantly put me on edge. "He confronted you tonight? That's what happened...why he took off?"

I squinted at Charlie with an inquisitive grin. "No criminal gets past you, do they?"

"Not a one. I can sense guilt a mile away." He leaned to the side to examine me some more before tilting back and putting his feet up on the porch railing. "You've got nothing to feel guilty about Edward. As much as Billy and I thought our kids would be an item, it wasn't in the cards. Jake will see that eventually. If he tried to blame you..."

"Nah...I worked through that very early on. I did feel bad at first, because Bella is so great and I'd be a total wreck if she met someone else who she connected with more... It would take some time for me to get to the place where I'd be happy for her if she were happier with another guy."

"She really is, you know. If you'd known her before..." Charlie exhaled and closed his eyes. "She's never been one to wear her emotions. She's too much like her crotchety old man. When Renee got sick, Bella shut down even more. She wouldn't talk about it, even with me. When she died... Bella's anger emerged. It was hell to live with but I was just so damned happy she was letting _something _out, you know? After that phase, and she and Jake were... you know, together or whatever, she went back to her old self and I thought that was good. My baby girl was back. I never knew she could be more...that she could have the kind of happiness I wanted for her...until I saw her with you. It's like she's whole now."

I was stunned into silence as Charlie said more than he ever had to me before without involving a threat...and I certainly hadn't expected this sort of talk from him. It also made me sad to know even he didn't know the real Bella. He thought he did...but I was seeing her differently tonight. Which version of Bella was real?

"Agh...I'm not good at this relating stuff...I just want you to know I'm pleased with the changes I've seen. I'm pleased with what I've seen between the two of you. There aren't many young men who show the kind of respect you do these days. I appreciate it Edward. That's all."

"Thank you sir," I mumbled, still somewhat stunned.

"Bah! Stuff the formality would you? Pass me another beer and if I hear another 'sir' out of you, I may have to go get my gun."

"Yes s.." I cut myself off with a laugh. It felt pretty great sitting here with Charlie, talking about the girl we both loved. We had a mutual respect for each other at this point and that was very cool. "You know, I could've handled things better tonight with Jake," I confessed. "He went off first, but I admit, I did goad him just a bit at the end. I should've let it go."

Charlie shrugged and sucked in his upper lip. "Sometimes the boy needs knocked down a peg. I love him like my own boy, but he is an arrogant little son of a bitch at times. When things cool off, I'll have a talk with him."

It was going so smoothly, I decided to purge some more. "Bella's pretty pissed at me."

"Because of the Jake thing? Hmm. Odd. She knows his temper flares, I'm surprised she didn't blame him first."

"Ummm, I guess she expects more from me... and I let her down."

"And...?" Charlie urged gently.

"And, I brought up old issues..."

"Ah. Opened some old wounds being here huh? Well, I guess we should get that out and done with ourselves. I know there was some messing around done there while things were still going here, because my girl doesn't fall in love overnight." He gave me the stare down. "You were in the dark, weren't you?"

"Yes s..." I sighed. "Yeah. Completely. That's not something I would do. It's just not me."

It was his turn to sigh and shake his head. "I've had you wrong from the start. I'm sorry Edward. My instincts were way off the mark, I should've seen this earlier." I felt his gaze on me even though I stared at the porch rail for distraction. "How have you kept it together here? It's got to be just as hard for you as it is for Jacob...but you're so calm."

I had to let out a laugh. "Trust me, I'm anything but! It's just something I have to get through... for Bella." I shrugged and finished off my second bottle. "I feel really bad that I brought that up when she got mad at me for arguing with Jake. I don't like re-hashing...plus, I handled it really badly the first time around so to do it all over again is..." I shook my head. "She's gonna be pissed for awhile."

Charlie smirked as he passed me another drink. "You'll be needing this then..._Edward. _No_ 'Cullen' _for awhile I guess."

"No shit!" I chuckled as we clinked bottles and exchanged a look of complete understanding.

* * *

_A/N ~ Edward's world, as he thought he knew it, crumbles once again...  
Thanks for all your comments, please read on and speak up! ~ SR_


	78. Chapter 78

**Chapter 78  
**  
"Hate to interrupt, but do you mind if I steal my boyfriend back for awhile?" Bella watched us toasting each other from the front door.

Charlie stood up and gave my shoulder a strong pat. "He's all yours. Oh and Edward, there's a spare room in the basement. You'd be more comfortable there - you're welcome to it. Anytime. Bella can help you get settled. Good night." He made a show of his exhaustion with a big stretch as he left us alone on the porch.

"I don't know if it's a good idea to get into this tonight Bella. I had a few with Charlie." I glanced down at the empties lined up. I hadn't been this drunk in months. Yet I felt more tired than anything. Still, my filters didn't function properly at all with alcohol in my system no matter how I was feeling, I knew that all too well.

"Cullen," she said softly as she took Charlie's vacated seat beside me. "I don't want to argue, but I think we should talk. When did you put this is my room?" She held up the river glass pendant.

"Earlier...when we got back from the park. You don't have to wear it or anything. I don't even know if you want it..." Funny how quickly things turn around. I'd left it on her pillow with a small card in which I'd written: _'For my Bella, Forever my love. X'_ I'd been so pleased with myself that I'd found something so meaningful that she could appreciate. Now, I was filled with doubts over whether or not she even wanted my love, yet again.

"It reminds me of your song...the star shape."

"_Your_ song; that's the idea. The snowflake captured eternally in light."

"What's it called? I never asked you."

I smiled remembering the expression on her face when I'd performed it for her and how she'd been chill about it afterwards, just as I liked. I hated people fussing over my songs, it embarrassed me. "Bella."

She looked down at her hands, picking at her nails nervously. "Okay, you don't want to talk about it."

"No. It's called _'Bella'_, subtitled _'Eternal Light'_. That's the working title anyway."

"Cullen..." Her voice cracked with emotion. "I'm a miserable bitch..."

"Bella, you're not..."

"I'm a horrible girlfriend. You're so sweet to me, all the time. You do everything I ask of you and you do things like this...out of the blue...I'm the luckiest girl in the world but I'm so fucked up I'm going to ruin it for myself."

"Why Bella?" I asked softly. "You push me away, keep things from me. Do you not want the kind of relationship I do? Seriously, Bella...give it some thought. I'm committed to you, to this relationship, but if you want something different, please let me know so I don't waste anymore time breaking my own heart."

"Cullen..." she sobbed into her hands. "I'm so sorry..."

"You don't want this, do you?" My voice was amazingly calm, soothing. Maybe the extra beer was helping this time around. "I'll understand Bella. I'll hate it, but I'll understand. I just really need to know the truth."

"I haven't been honest with you," she blurted out. "You were right from the beginning. I was with Jake when I fell for you. I didn't end it when I should have... I couldn't because I'm a selfish, needy bitch and I couldn't handle being alone. I needed a back-up. So I didn't tell him about you, or you about him, so if it didn't work out with us, I'd still have him. I didn't end it with him properly when I said I did, after our first argument. I just told him I needed space. I should've told him the truth at that point; that I was in love with you, that I had cheated on him. I didn't sleep with him after that but he went along thinking we were on a break, I didn't admit otherwise in case I lost him too. You see why you deserve better than me?"

I digested her confession without a hitch. "I see that I deserve better _from _you. The only thing I've ever asked from you is the truth. That's it. One thing, Bella._ One_ thing. Why didn't you tell me this then?"

"I didn't want to hurt you. I do love you." Tears were streaming down her face as she cried silently.

"You didn't want to hurt me? Bella, you fucking gutted me. Do you think a full confession at that point would've hurt me anymore than I was already hurting? It just prolonged it. You don't think that I worry about that still? That I don't wonder if you'd do the same thing to me? Or pick up with Jake again and keep me in the dark...those things nag at me, I thought, because I'm neurotic. Because I anticipate the worst. But I've tried to get over that and trust you and love you and god..." I leaned forward, hands buried in my hair, almost pulling it out at the roots. "I've tried so hard to get you to trust me; believe in me. Why can't you do that for me Bella? Why can't you be honest and trust me and believe in me and _just love me..."_ My rambling ended with a choked back sob. Fuck, I'm pathetic. "And you chose _now_ to tell me? When I can't even fucking run away? Save myself _some_ dignity? What did I do Bella? What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing Edward. You did nothing wrong!" She got out of her chair and knelt in front of me, knocking over the empty bottles. She took my hands from my head and held onto them as she looked me directly in the eyes. "You did nothing wrong. It's me. I'm flawed, not you."

"Believe me when I say, I _know_ you're flawed. But I loved you anyway. I loved you because of your flaws. I loved you because...you loved _my_ flaws. You accepted all my quirks and moods and inabilities...no one has ever not tried to change me. No one has ever just wanted to be with me, as I am. I've never loved someone more for just putting up with me. You were perfect Bella. Perfect for me. Perfectly flawed. I've never expected anything from you, but who you are."

Her sobbing began and she held my hands so tightly it hurt. Not as bad as inside though.

"I never asked you to be perfect. You just were," I whispered.

"Edward, you're speaking in past tense...it's scaring me!"

I snortled. "Now you admit your fears as they appear? But you couldn't from the beginning? Or last month or even last week..."

"I'm trying Edward. I'm trying to talk to you now."

I stared blankly over her head, unable to look at the tears flowing from her eyes. "One thing's bothering me...well, many things actually, but one from just now - you said you didn't tell Jake you cheated on him. Is that how you see it? You cheated on him, but not me?"

She hesitated. _Fucking hesitated!_

"Forget it. That answers my question..." I started to get up.

"Edward, wait! We weren't...we hadn't really..."

"Forget it Bella. You and I have different ideas of relationships and what constitutes cheating. I get it."

"Edward..."

"No. It's fine. I know where I stand now. For me, it's always been about the heart...how I feel about you...how I feel when I'm with you, or not with you. For you, it's a physical thing. I think I've always known that anyway." I had known. It was the one thing always in the back of my mind every time we argued. She denied it constantly, but she denied lying as well...until now. There was no certainty about anything anymore.

She was shaking her head frantically. "You mean so much m-more..." In fact, her whole body shook as she uttered the latest denial.

"You're cold. You should go inside."

"N-no...Edward...I wa-wanna t-talk this out.."

"Bella... I'm going in anyway. There's a distinct possibility I may be sick and I really don't want to toss my cookies on Charlie's porch. Come inside." I took my jacket off and wrapped her in it before we went in.

"We sh-should g-g-go downstairs," she stammered out as her body shivered. I couldn't take seeing her like that; I wrapped my arms around her, warming her, soothing her.

"Come on...I don't want to wake Charlie and Alice." I followed her downstairs and stopped at the fireplace. "We should get this going. But I don't know how." We had a gas fireplace at home and Carlisle always started the one at the cottage.

"I'll take care of it." She worked on it while I bolted for the toilet.

Stomach emptied, I sat shivering on the floor, hoping I'd gotten rid of enough beer that I wouldn't be so drunk I'd say something I regretted. Despite only having three or four drinks and puking most of that up, I still felt fuzzy. The room was spinning...or was it my world? She had lied. Not once, but twice and the second time, to me, was even worse because when she'd denied my accusation that terrible drunken night, I'd believed her. Now I didn't know what to believe. Was it all lies? How would I ever know? Most importantly, could I live like that? Did I love her so much that I could turn a blind eye every time I thought she was unfaithful or dishonest? Could I allow myself to get hurt over and over...

"Cullen? You okay?" Bella asked quietly through the door.

"I need a minute." Wiping my tears away, I focused on controlling my shivering. Then I gargled with some mouthwash and splashed my face with cold water. The shivers returned but the spinning had eased. Not knowing what the fuck I would say or do, I took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Fire's lit. Come warm up." Bella was still wearing my jacket and I saw her sniffing the collar as we went over to the couch. She was chewing her lip intensely as we sat. "I'll tell you anything. I promise."

"You said that before, if I recall..."

"Please? Just give me a chance to..."

"Explain? Make it up to me? What? What do you want to do at this point Bella? What do you think could make this all better?" I threw questions out one after the other, knowing she couldn't, and wouldn't, answer any of them. "You think I'm judgemental. So I guess I'm pretty horrible to think this is a lousy thing you've done to me."

"I know it," she whispered with her eyes cast downward. "You're right."

"Is this the thing you wrote about? That you'd make one mistake that I couldn't forgive..."

She nodded as she she covered her face and wept. "I'm so sorry."

"So why tell me now?" I pulled on her hands gently to make her look at me. "Bella, you wanted to talk - we can't if you're just gonna sit there and cry."

"It's not like I can control it!"

"You think it's easy for me?" I snorted. "I could just as easily curl up in a ball and cry my heart out right now. It's not going to resolve anything. I'll give you a minute to get yourself sorted, but we _will_ talk about this."

I left her to go make some tea. It always calmed her and I hoped it would settle my stomach that was still doing flips. When I returned with the hot drinks, she was better controlled. She'd taken off my jacket but now she was hugging it. The pendant hung from her hand as well. I passed her a mug and sat back down with my own, waiting patiently. I would not ask again.

Finally, she set her cup down and resettled herself. Facing me, she had her knees tucked under her chin as she hugged her legs, my jacket still against her chest. "When I came and talked to Jake that weekend in the summer, he swore he'd tell you everything if he ever got the chance. He promised not to if I'd keep an open mind."

"He threatened you," I stated. "Threatened, blackmailed, whatever term is appropriate. That's a repulsive thing to do to someone you supposedly love. But you felt guilty enough to go along, I guess. Hmph. Maybe you do realize you cheated on me as well, subconsciously at least." Or she was just afraid to lose me, her fuck toy.

"I should have told you..."

"Yeah. Should've." I turned my head away stubbornly. "At any point mentioned above. When you first double-timed us, when I first asked you to tell me the truth, when he threatened you. Even in your letter. Bella, I'm not an ogre who would kick you out of my life..."

"Honestly...please believe me when I say I just didn't want to hurt you any more than I had..."

"But you did Bella. You are. This hurts far worse than it would have at any of those points in our relationship. I'm not so fragile that I couldn't have handled it then."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"I know. You still didn't answer my question. Why now?"

"I thought he had said something before...when you argued with him..."

"Ah! Repairing the damage..."

She shook her head. "I hoped he hadn't because I didn't want you hearing it from him. That would be cruel."

I nodded. "Thank you for sparing me." My sarcasm was not held back.

"Edward..." She cut herself off. "No. Go ahead and say whatever you want, whatever you feel. I deserve it."

"You do. Seriously. I'm a little tired of always giving in to you. Always backing down. Always seeing your pain as worse than mine, well it's not Bella. This fucking hurts. This constant shutting out that you do. Every time I think we're getting somewhere, it gets worse. And I'm really, _really _fed up." My words were harsh, I knew, so I kept my tone level hoping to be able to continue with an actual honest conversation rather than sobbing and angry words thrown at each other.

"What can I do?" Her voice was barely audible and she was pulled into herself so tightly she looked frail and so vulnerable.

My heart lurched and I had to struggle not to go hold her and comfort her. No. This was about what she did to our relationship and she'd have to face it. I wouldn't make this one easy on her and leave myself bleeding. "I don't have an answer for you Bella. You're gonna have to come up with that one all on your own."

She nodded, so pale and tiny looking. "Can you forgive me?"

"Of course. In time, everything is forgivable. It's sometimes more difficult to forgive yourself than others. Can you forgive yourself?"

She looked at me with wide, watery eyes. "I don't know."

I nodded. "Maybe that's where you should start."

"I'm more concerned with you. I want you to be okay." She bit on her lip as she fought to hold in the tears that were threatening once more. "Are you okay?" she asked softly.

"No. I'm not. I don't want to make this worse for you, but I can't neglect my own feelings anymore. I really can't handle this. You've put me into a grouping of suitable boyfriends for yourself. I'm living in fear that you'll ditch me for an ill-tempered kid who treats you like shit! And you're okay with that... how do you think that makes me feel Bella? I really _REALLY _can't handle this. And I can't even begin to understand it."

She nodded, still biting. "Can I hug you?"

_"Hug me?"_ I asked incredulously. "A hug won't make this go away Bella. Not this time. I'm sorry."

She sniffled, trying very hard not to weep aloud. The tears were streaming. Fuck, I wanted to hug her...

"Bella...I want you to think this through, decide what you really want because we could go through the motions...I'll get over this in a few days and we'll pretend we're fine but we won't be. And I just can't do it anymore."

"Edward?" A look of horror filled her face. "This is it, right? The thing I fuck up and end up losing you..."

"You can't lose me Bella. My heart belongs to you as much as it does to me. Thing is, I can't keep crushing my half of it. Do you understand? I love you so fucking much it hurts. And every time I realize you don't feel the same, it kills me. It's my own fault. But I can't keep breaking my own heart."

She sobbed and gasped, choking on the words she was trying to get out. "You don't want me..."

"I want you more than I've ever wanted anything Bella. I just can't do..._this_. Not until you're ready for it."

"I am! Edward... I'll be what you want me to be..."

I shook my head. "You still don't get it. You're not ready for this kind of relationship. With me, or anyone else. If you can figure out how to just be the girl I fell in love with, with all her flaws, all the time...I'll be here."

"Are you breaking up with me?"

A tear rolled down my cheek for the first time since my private meltdown._ Was I?_ Could I live without her?

"_Edward?_ Are you?" Bella reached for my hand and tugged on it. "Just say it!"

I gazed down at my Bella, another tear following the first. "Yes. I'm sorry."

* * *

_A/N ~ *gulp* Edward grew some BIG ones to take this big a stance for himself...love it or hate it? Let's hear it! :0 ~ SR_


	79. Chapter 79

**Chapter 79**

I was awake the rest of the night. Bella had ended up vomiting as well, quite violently. I'd helped her get to the couch and wrapped her up in several blankets to stop her shivering and then sat on the floor by her head, stroking her hair until she cried herself to sleep. In the end, I was still too much of a pussy to even break up properly. I couldn't leave her alone like that. It broke my heart even more that I was hurting her.

Once she was sleeping, I got a blanket for myself and pulled the chair closer to her and sat watching her. She was puffy and blotchy and still sniffling even as she slept and fuck, she was beautiful. I hated looking at her, but couldn't look away. I decided I had to get away from her altogether. If I stayed, I'd cave and I seriously didn't know if I had another of these in me. At 5:00, I quietly got up and went into the bathroom to make a call.

"Fuck...Edward! D'you know what time it is?" The grumpy voice on the other end greeted me.

"I know. Sorry Em. I really am..."

"What the fuck do you want?"

"I need you to come get me."

There must have been a level of desperation in my voice because my brother instantly responded. "Yeah yeah. Where are you? Charlie's?"

"Yeah. Can you pick me up?"

"Sure." I could hear him getting dressed in a hurry as he spoke. "Things go bad with the old man?" he joked.

"I broke up with Bella," I blurted.

"Aw fuck! Edward...you okay man?"

"No. I need you to come get me Em. Seriously." I rocked back and forth on the toilet seat.

"Okay okay...how do I get there?"

"Um...the highway? And then..." Shit! He wasn't at home, he was at school. "Fuck Em, I don't know!"

"Give me the address, dork. I'll MapQuest it." I heard the keys clicking as he typed in the address I gave and then the printer started. "Okay kid. Hang tight. Says 1 hour, 43 minutes. I'll shave some time off somehow. I'm on my way."

I returned to my perch, watching Bella. She was snoring softly now and her hair was matted to her forehead. I removed a blanket and brushed her hair back softly before I sat back. I heard footsteps above before Charlie cleared his throat loudly to announce his intent to come downstairs. I was folding my blanket when he appeared. I waved for him to stay put and I joined him after moving the chair back.

"Bella's sleeping on the couch," I whispered.

He peered over the back of it. "She sick?"

I nodded and urged him to come upstairs with me. "She was sick, yeah. I didn't want to leave her alone, but I didn't want you to think we'd slept together...I don't want to disrespect you in any way Charlie. You've been really..." My voice began cracking and he frowned as he waited for me to continue. Clearing my throat, I went on. "This weekend was amazing. I had a great time getting to know you better. I'm glad I got that chance. Thank you."

"Well... You're welcome?" He scratched his head, baffled. "It's not over. Why do you sound like you're done?"

Because I am. "Um, my brother's on his way. I'm gonna be leaving..."

Charlie frowned some more and pulled me into the kitchen. "Have a seat son." He pulled two mugs down and poured us each a coffee. "What's the deal? Bella's gonna be furious with me if I did something to offend you. So spill it. What did I do?"

I couldn't resist a smirk. He almost sounded like me. "Nah. It's not you." I took my time stirring in some sugar while assuring I could say it without crying. "Um, Bella and I... We, uh..."

"Oh crap! You had a fight, didn't you. Well, I can understand why you want to get the he'll outta Dodge but son, you share a house. You're gonna have to face her later on. Better to get it overwith, don't you think?"

I shook my head. "No sir. It's more than that..."

"Oh. Crap." Charlie sighed heavily. "I was really beginning to like you too. _Crap_!"

"I'm sorry."

"Is it really bad? Beyond repair? Maybe she just needs a cooling off period...you know how girls are..."

"It's me, actually. Sorry."

"Crap. The Jake thing?"

I nodded and took a sip of Charlie's superb brew. He made a really awesome cup of coffee. I'd miss that. "This is really good."

"Fresh ground. That's the trick. Is she in bad shape?"

I nodded again. "I'm really sorry."

Charlie sighed. I sighed. And then I buried my head in my hands. "I, uh..." I felt Charlie's hand on my shoulder as he mumbled. "I really suck at this. Your brother's on his way?"

"Yes sir. Another hour, approximately. I can wait for him outside."

"Like hell I'm sitting you out on the porch like this! I just...ah hell. I feel bad for you kid. You're obviously in rough shape yourself."

"You don't have to do this..." I gave him a half-hearted smirk. "Save up your mushy stuff for Bella." My voice cracked again and I excused myself before I made things more awkward for Charlie. I kept occupied by packing up my things. That took all of 3 minutes. Now what... I carried my bag out to the porch for something to do. Charlie was there already, puffing on a cigar.

"That'll kill you at this time of day," I quipped to lighten things up.

"Being a single dad will do that long before the cigar..." We exchanged a look.

"We shouldn't joke about that," I commented.

"No. No, definitely not. Aw, dammit Edward! I thought you were it."

"Me too. I'm really sorry."

"What exactly is it you're sorry for?"

I was stunned by his question. "I...um...I dunno, honestly. I just am. I hate hurting her."

"You apologize this much to her?"

"Yep," I snickered as I ran my hand through my hair. "And still I find myself waiting on your porch at 6 on a Sunday morning."

"Maybe that's your problem. It becomes empty. I know. I said a thousand sorry's to Renee and they meant nothing - before, during and after the divorce. You see, you and I, we fell for the same determined, independent, stubborn-assed women who don't know a good thing when they've got it. I feel for you kid. I really do."

I gave him a curt nod. "You uh, you really don't have to..."

"Is that your brother?" Charlie pointed at a car speeding up the dirt road.

"Yep. That's Em. Idiot." Did he forget Charlie's the police chief?

"Made good time. Impressive. He ever consider policing as a career?"

I stared at him, breaking into a grin. "You head of the recruiting department too Chief?"

He chuckled and pulled me into a Emmett-type hug. "I could_ really_ get to like you..."

I blushed as he released me and picked up my bags as Emmett screeched to a halt.

"Hey! Sorry I'm late," he smirked and grabbed me by the shoulders. "Okay?" he whispered as he slapped my back.

I shrugged and tossed my bag in his backseat. Thank god he bought this car, I thought. I wouldn't have wanted to call Carlisle for my rescue. "Charlie, you remember my brother, Emmett?" They'd met at Bella's birthday party.

"Of course! Good to see you son. Come on in. Coffee?"

"Ah! I'd love cof..."

"Uh, thanks but we should go." I nudged Em to let him know I'd reached my limit here.

"Yeah...if I could just use your bathroom quickly? Sorry Edward. I've really gotta piss!"

"Yeah yeah...go." I leaned on the car and sighed as he dashed inside, following Charlie's instructions.

"Emmett? It is you!" Alice cried out from the stairs when he was done his business.

Oh Christ. I took a deep breath and stepped back up on the porch as they embraced.

"Hi sugar! This is a nice bonus." He picked her up off her feet for a kiss. God, they looked so happy together.

"What at you doing here?" She giggled as he swung her around.

"Came to pick up the kid." He put Alice down and pulled me over, messing my hair as he hugged me again.

"Why? Aren't we staying..."

"You are," I replied. "I'm not."

"They broke up," Em whispered to her.

"No!" Alice's hand flew to her mouth. "No! Edward! Oh my god! Are you serious?"

I nodded, my hands in my pockets and my head low.

"Oh my god! Sweetie, come here!" She hugged me tighter than she ever had and part of me wanted to rip her off and another part wanted to just cling to her and cry up a mad streak. A brother hug was one thing, but a hug from a girl when I was in an emotional state could make me crumble.

"Al...I need to go..." I pleaded gently as I pulled away from her. "I'll see you later. You should probably drive home rather than Bella." Damn! I couldn't get through her name without my voice fucking up! "But be careful, okay?"

"I'll come back later. I'll drive Bella in her truck, Alice can drive the car. Everyone's home safe." My brother the hero.

"You're going?" Bella's weak voice caught us all off guard. "This is real..." She seemed like she was sleep walking; distant and muted, but she broke out of her trance when she realized everyone was staring at her. She searched my eyes as a single tear rolled down her cheek. "Please don't go."

_Shit!_ This is what I'd wanted to avoid. "I have to," I said quietly.

"No...no, you can't just leave it like this..."

"We'll see each other later. We can talk then. Please?" If she truly felt anything for me, she'd let me leave without a breakdown...please Bella...

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"You won't go anywhere?"

I shook my head and begged her with my eyes. I was at the door. I could easily just walk out, but still, I stood there waiting for her approval.

She nodded as she bit her lip and another tear dropped on the floor. It seemed to echo. And it continued echoing in my mind as I walked off the porch. Just a few more steps and I'd be in the safety of Emmett's car. He took the stairs two at a time to get ahead of me for our getaway.

"Edward..."

Dammit! Don't turn back...just go... FUCK! I turned back and caught her as she leapt into my arms. I held her tightly, my cheek pressed against her hair. I breathed in deeply so I'd never forget her scent...as if I could. I heard the car starting and ignored it. Ignored the sound of the wheels on the gravel. The pounding of my own heart drowned it all out. Fuck this hurt. I tried to pull away but she held onto my shirt with her tiny fists. The pendant hung from one of them.

"I love you," she whispered as she looked up at me.

Very carefully, I pried her fingers off me and held her clenched fists to my lips. Then I brushed her tears away and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. I couldn't say it back to her. She knew how I felt, my words were meaningless.

"What's he doing here?" Alice's voice broke our moment. Looking over my shoulder, I saw Jake walking up the drive.

"I have to go," I told Bella, my voice hoarse and my temper rising. I gave her hand one last squeeze and headed straight for Jake.

He wore a smug expression. "Bailing already?"

"_Fuck_ you Jacob!" I hissed through my clenched teeth. I grabbed him by the front of his jacket and threw him against the trunk of Emmett's car. He got out instantly, knowing I'd be needing him. "Stop. Fucking. With her MIND!" I emphasized each word with a shove. "And I you _EVER_ lay a hand on her again..."

"Easy bro..." Emmett's arm was around me, blocking me from Jake. "You don't want to do this. Well okay, you do, but you'll regret it. It's not you."

"I'll take care of things," Charlie announced from my other side. His hand was on my shoulder. "Edward..." He turned me to face him and gave me a slight nod. "You take care son. I'll sort things on this end, you take of your end. I'll see you back here real soon." He opened the passenger door and ushered me in, like he would a convict. "Take care now."

The door shut as Emmett climbed back in and he took off before Jake could even get himself off the car. I watched him topple in the mirror. Charlie made a rough attempt to catch him, ending up hauling him a couple of feet before he got him upright. From that point, I didn't give a shit what happened to him. Jacob Black was blocked from my mind.

A couple of miles down the road, Emmett pulled over. The instant he turned to me, I lost it. Everything came out in a blubbering pile of nonsense and he just listened. And then he pulled my head against his chest and held me for what seemed like hours as I cried. He never said a word until we arrived at my house. Sitting in the driveway, he made no move to get out.

"I'm really glad you called me," he said quietly.

"Me too. Thanks for coming. And..."

He waved off my thanks. "You need me to stick around?"

I shook my head. This so wasn't his thing.

"I will..."

"Nah. I need some alone time. But thanks." I fidgeted with the zipper tab on my jacket.

"When I bring the girls back, I can stay with you if you want. I'll skip my morning class, it's repetitive anyway. I already know how to wire a fuse box."

I smirked. "You could teach them."

"I will Edward...I'm here for you."

"Fuck Em...don't get all marshmallowy on me..." I teased as the tears and snot started flowing anew.

"I'm a new man. I can admit that I kinda care about my kid brother," he smirked back as he punched my leg. "Seriously Edward; you need anything..."

"Thanks Em..."

"Anything...any time..."

"Yeah. Thanks. I'm gonna go inside now."

"I love you."

I sat with my hand on the door handle, one foot out, taking in what my brother had just said. I'd heard it from him before, in jest or in anger most recently, but never in his tone. Shit, Alice had really left a mark on him. He was a new man. I considered a smartass comeback, but kept it to myself. I got out and grabbed my bag from the back before leaning through the window. "Love you too, bro. Thanks." I tapped the car door and gave him a wave as I stumbled up my walkway.

Rosalie was in the kitchen when I let myself in. The last thing I wanted...

"Hey! I thought you'd be back tonight."

"Change of plans, sorry. You won't even know I'm here, carry on." I started down the hall to my room.

"Where's Bella?" she called after me.

Shit shit _SHIT!_ I stopped and slumped against the wall. "Okay. You might as well hear it now...we broke up."

Her jaw dropped. "Fuck."

I grinned half-heartedly. "Simply put..."

"Baby...you okay?"

I shook my head, my eyes closed. I didn't want this...

"Fuck," she stated again, in shock. "What happened?"

"I can't talk right now," I managed to choke out.

"Sure! Of course baby, I understand." She gave me a very brief Rosalie hug and then gripped my shoulders. "When you need to..."

I nodded as the tears welled.

"Okay baby. We're here. We love you." She gave me a shove towards my room and I grinned back at her appreciatively.

"You know I..."

"Shhh. Don't talk. I know. Do what you need to do and we'll be here."

She closed the door behind me and I slumped to the floor, kicking off my shoes as the numbness settled in. This was really happening. I'd given up on my one true love.

* * *

_A/N ~ Thank you so much for all the comments...I'm really struggling with getting from here to the ending which was written a long time ago and trying to get it done so I don't leave you all hanging when I take off on holiday! It may or may not be completed in time but I hope you'll all stick around regardless. And keep the reviews coming please! :D ~ SR_


	80. Chapter 80

**Chapter** **80  
**  
"Don't be an idiot Edward! You have to go talk to her!" Alice stood her ground firmly. They'd returned safely, thanks to Emmett. He and Bella were in the upstairs apartment while Alice hunted me down.

"It'll only make it worse, truly." I spoke in monotone, wanting myself to feel nothing. "I can't handle another scene like at Charlie's this morning."

"_You_ can't?" Alice screamed at me. "What about Bella? Her heart is breaking!"

"And mine's not?" I cocked an angry eyebrow at her. "Excuse me, I missed the part where any of this is my fault? And by the way, did you know all along?"

She glared down at me angrily, tapping her foot. "A little forgiveness would go a long way. And no. She just told me today...and I've forgiven her for lying to me about Jacob."

"I'm not there yet," I said grumpily and re-stacked my pillows to lay back on my bed. "That's not entirely what this is about anyway. Jake is simply the catalyst."

"What is it then, Edward? Why did you do this to her?"

I scrunched up my face at her accusation. It wasn't my intent to be cruel to Bella. "Self-preservation," I muttered.

Alice swatted my foot. "Grow up! Talk this through like an adult!"

"Ha!" I cried out, sitting up fully. "There you have it! The crux of the current issue...right there! I do talk. I have talked. I've been talking since we first got together! She knows me...my heart, my soul. I, honest to god, feel like I know nothing about Bella right now. She has shut me out for months! Longer! She's lied, she's kept things from me. And furthermore, her random rants about my fuck-ups are getting tiresome. How can I _NOT_ fuck up when I don't know what the fuck she_ WANTS_?" Okay, so my anger was coming out and I was taking it out, perhaps unfairly, on Alice, but she had no right to make demands of me.

"He's right."

We both turned towards the door, where Bella's voice came from. Emmett stood behind her and motioned for Alice to get the hell out. She took his advice, stopping to briefly hug Bella to show her support.

"I didn't mean for you to hear that, I'm sorry." I forced myself to calm down. A screaming match wasn't anything near what I wanted.

"Why? It's all true. It's how you feel." Her voice, her body language, showed defeat and utter weariness. "I want you to get it out. I need to hear it. I need to hear how horrible I've been to you...how much I've hurt you..."

"Bella, please don't."

She looked at me inquisitively. "What don't you want Edward? Please tell me. Don't shut _me_ out now."

I snickered at the irony and took a calming breath. "Don't make this about what a horrible person you are. I don't feel that way at all, so don't put words in my mouth."

"I'm confused...why can't you be with me if it's not that and you plan to forgive me eventually?"

I took her hand to pull her into my room and motioned for her to sit while I collected my thoughts. "I'm not going to have a screaming match with you because we always say things that can't be recanted. It doesn't mean we don't mean them, mind you, but it's ugly and unnecessary." I raked through my hair as I paced in front of her. "I don't think you're a horrible person. I think you're kind and passionate and giving...beautiful. You're a beautiful person who's treated me pretty horribly at times."

She attempted a smirk as she bit her lip. "I'm a beautiful bitch, then."

"You're doing it again Bella! God!" My pacing intensified. "You want me to rant at you, don't you?"

"Yes!" she cried out as she stood and stopped me mid-pace. "Yes. Scream at me, tell me everything I've done to hurt you so I can make up for it! It's the only way we'll get through this!"

I shook my head. "No Bella. I won't do that. It won't change anything and honestly, I can't do this again. It hurts both of us too much."

"Leaving me doesn't hurt? It's hurting me like hell."

I avoided her sad, dark eyes. I had to be strong. "I'm not leaving you Bella," I said in the softest voice possible. "I'm stopping this destructive cycle we have where I get drawn into thinking we're good, it's all cool and then I get slammed and my mind spins and my heart fucking aches... I think we love each other too much to continue doing this." I reached for her hand without looking at her face. "Bella, I want you to be sure about what you really want. You said you lied because you needed a back-up...I think you need to learn how to be on your own before you can know what you want from this sort of relationship. Learn who you are, Bella," I said softly.

"If I told you I already know what I want..."

I shook my head. "Learn who you are," I repeated. "And I'll be here."

She pulled her hand out of mine and grabbed onto my face, forcing me to look at her. "You'll be here?"

"Until the snow melts," I replied with a sad grin filled with irony.

* * *

Bella stayed with Alice that night, and the next night, and the next week. Eventually, she moved most of her things upstairs. I rarely saw her, whether it was by her design or just Lady Fate giving me a break, I wasn't sure. When I did catch a glimpse of her, my heart broke all over again. Every time.

I kept to myself for the most part, but didn't cower in my room like the last time I broke down. I met with friends for the occasional drink or lunch date but avoided any conversation about Bella or what had happened. I knew they did similar things with her as well, and I was sincerely glad that she was able to maintain relationships with what was originally my circle of friends. I never told a soul, aside from my brother, what really happened. Even Jasper didn't know. This was the first thing I'd confided in Emmett, and Emmett alone and he kept it between us as well. I didn't know what Bella told them, and I never asked. Our shared friends seemed to support us both.

Weekends were difficult; I stayed away from The Underground to avoid the temptation to get drunk and do something stupid and my friends were all either there or working. I found it impossible to concentrate on homework, let alone get a good start on my thesis. I began making weekly trips home rather than driving myself mad, alone in my room. My parents loved it and they were respectful of me not wanting to talk about Bella. Jack was thrilled to have me there. He really missed having Emmett and Alice around since they left for school and Jasper couldn't stay for long visits with his hectic schedule so he looked forward to our weekends together. It was mutual. I loved the feeling I got when I saw his smiling face in the window watching for me, or when he'd run down the train platform to greet me if he came with Carlisle or Esme to pick me up. Being with him partially filled the deep void created when I ended things with Bella. Not enough to not hurt, or long for her...but enough to get by.

He'd ask for her, of course. I'd smile and say "maybe she can come next time" or "you could come visit her at my place!" He couldn't understand the situation even if I did try to tell him. At least I thought he couldn't understand... one day during our piano lesson, he asked me to play "Bella's song". I tried, for Jack, but I couldn't get through it the intro, let alone play it entirely.

"Did you forget it Edward? That'sth okay. I forget a lot of thingsth too." He tried to console me in a manner that I had used with him many times. I hugged the shit out of the little guy and he somehow got it. He didn't ask me to play the song again and whenever he'd mention Bella from that point on, he seemed hesitant and shy, but it didn't go unnoticed that he was always physically near me in case I needed a hug. He was so like Jasper, only much more open to accepting unconditional love. He fit right in this family, as if he was always one of us.

I hated Sunday nights. Dreaded them. Not only did I have to leave Jack, but I was returning to the solitude of a room filled with memories that hit me every time I walked in after the two days without it. I could still smell her. If I closed my eyes, I could see her typing away at my desk or sprawled on my bed reading my poetry. And later in the night, I would hear her. Her room upstairs was directly above mine and just like how she heard every sound from below in her old room, my room was connected to her new one above. It killed me to hear her crying herself to sleep. Also alone.

I composed a thousand letters of a thousand thoughts and wishes and regrets...all tossed out. I couldn't go to her, as much as I longed to. She needed this time and I needed patience. Mostly I needed another room... I didn't sleep more than a couple of hours a night by the time she fell asleep and I finished my own round of torturous mind rants and sometimes tears of my own. I'd attempted to move into her old room just so I could sleep. My marks were starting to dip and sleep deprivation played a good part in that. Her old room was a bad choice as different memories hit me there and I had the sounds of love from below to contend with as well. I started spending my nights at the lab as well as my days and evenings. There was a very comfortable couch in the office and there was silence. I'd rush home in the morning to shower, change and grab some food before running back to the science buildings for my classes. Professor Davis got concerned when he found me there one morning, asking if I needed another leave; from the job or class. Shit. I didn't want to fuck up my education as well!

I'm fairly certain he asked Jane to keep an eye on me, as she started hanging out there more in the evenings after she finished her job. I was glad for the companionship and she gave me a kick in the ass to get started on my thesis. She had mad researching skills, providing me with years worth of reading to do in a few months. I had to get it whittled down to a manageable amount, but I had no clue how to begin. That's when we called on Renata, my equivalent in the biology department, to help us out. Renata was a future geneticist. There was nothing else she'd ever wanted to be. Between the three of us science nerds, I got months of work accomplished in a few weeks and I was beginning to feel more like my old self. Not like the person I was with Bella, but the guy I was before Bella.

One night we were so involved, we didn't realize we'd skipped dinner until my stomach protested loudly. "Jesus Cullen! Your intestines are eating themselves!" Renata teased me. "Go order some food. I'll buy."

I wasn't in the mood for the usual pizza or Chinese. "Ah! Better yet, I'll go get us something. I feel like Thai, I'm going to the cafe." I wrote a list and ran up the street, arriving in the warm cafe intoxicated by the aromas. I'd just placed my order when I heard my name being called. I turned with a smile towards Ellie's voice and spotted her waving me over to a table at the side. I waved back and made my way over, realizing too late that she was not alone. Bella was seated across from her.

I could hardly turn away, but seeing Bella unexpectedly drew an instant reaction. I was flushed and somewhat dizzy. "Hey," I said breathlessly as I hastened to unzipped my jacket and take my hat off. Fuck it was hot in here.

"Hey you! I haven't seen you in a month dude? Where are hiding these days?"

"The lab," I smirked. "Hardly a hiding place if you know me. I just came to grab some dinner..." I looked back at the counter, praying my Thai chicken wraps would appear out of thin air.

"Working this late?" Bella asked.

"Uh, no. It's like...a study group thing." I shrugged. "No pay, no extra credit. Just my own stupidity and lack of a life otherwise."

Bella gave me a small smile; a knowing smile. A sad smile.

"How've you been?"

She shrugged back at me. "I'm working a lot. My own stupidity and lack of a life otherwise...but at least I get paid."

I chuckled at her joke and leaned against the half-wall separating us from the washrooms.

"Grab another chair!" Ellie suggested.

I looked over my shoulder again. "Nah, my order will be ready..."

"I should go anyway, he can have mine..." Bella said at the same time.

Awkward.

"Thanks for the coffee Ell. I'll buy next time." She stood and picked up her jacket. I was blocking her way out.

"Oh, uh...sorry..." I side-stepped to let her through but got tripped up on my lace and ended up smacking into her. Graceful as always. "God...I'm sorry." I was blushing on top of my flush and felt ready to pass out.

She giggled that Bella giggle I'd been missing and I watched her lip disappearing in her mouth. "Same boy..." she teased softly.

"I guess I haven't grown," I recited the next line of our song with a grin as she waved goodbye. I plunked myself in her chair, still warm from her body and watched her walk to her truck. The Red Monster. I hadn't even seen it out there when I ran inside. "She looks good," I said aloud, unintentionally.

Ellie smiled at me but didn't comment.

"Do you...uh...see her often?" Were they friends now? Did they come here a lot? Would I bump into Bella more if I started coming here at this time?

"I'm working over at the Student Crisis Centre across the street. We meet for coffee after work sometimes. She's pretty cool Edward. You were right all along." She stuck her tongue out at me as I made an indignant face. "She misses you. _I_ miss you! You don't hang with us anymore! Come out with us Edward...come to The Underground this weekend! We'll get hammered and take over the pit and act like giggling groupies...like the old days..."

I chuckled at her analogy. She'd pretty much nailed it. "I dunno..."

"Come on! It'll be fun! Do you even remember fun Edward?"

Vaguely..."Ell...I dunno...I usually go see Jack on Saturdays."

"Go Friday, and come back early! I'll pick you up at the train station. Edward...you can't say no...you know you want to come out and play..."

I know I wanted to do something. I was boring even to myself. I sighed heavily. "Why not? Sounds like fun."


	81. Chapter 81

**_A new addition to the nods of thanks and inspiration for this chapter, The Beatles! And of course, Stephenie and the ever present Jack (briefly)._**

**Chapter 81**

As promised, Ellie was waiting for me at the train station Saturday night. We'd exchanged a dozen texts over the day, but she still seemed surprised to see me.

"What?" I grinned at her.

She laughed and gave me a hug. "I've really missed you. Good to have you back. I wasn't sure if you'd be on the train though, I have to admit."

"It was tough leaving Jack. He wanted to come see Jasper play again."

"Aw, another time. Tonight's for the big kids." She gave me a big grin as she linked arms with me. "So, we'll swing by your place so you can do what you have to..."

"I'll just drop my bag. You don't even have to stop the car, just slow down," I grinned. Now that I was here, I was actually into a night out.

She gave me a look as we climbed in her car. "You're wearing _that_?"

I looked down to see what was so offensive. Jeans, not too dirty aside from the mud splatter on the bottom from Jack's bike and a Beatles t-shirt. Seemed fine to me. "What's wrong with what I've got on?"

Chuckling at me, Ellie shook her head. "You've had that t-shirt as long as I've known you... More than 3 years? And I think it came with you 'cause it had a hole in it then, so...it's time to retire it."

I widened my eyes in mock horror. "No way! The hole is stabilized...super glue...and it's comfy. There's nothing wrong with this t-shirt, I'm wearing it."

"Suit yourself..."

"Let it be Ell," I teased before breaking into song. "_'Whisper words of wisdom, let it be...'_"

When I ran inside the house, I did grab a nicer shirt to throw on over my tee, so she was happy with my compromise. "Everyone's already there?" I asked, knowing Jaz would be, but it was Bella I was wondering about.

"Yeah yeah! We're late to the party, let's get to it!"

No hint as to whether or not I'd see Bella...my palms were sweaty just thinking about it. She'd been on my mind even more since I'd seen her the other night. She really had looked good. Beautiful, as always, but behind the awkwardness, she seemed...okay. She was adjusting. _Without me._ It was what I'd wanted, so why did it sting? Regardless, I was hoping she'd be there tonight so I could see more of her.

After seeing the guys backstage, I wandered out front to see if Bella was, in fact, here tonight. No sign of her, so I went directly to Leah who was ecstatic to see me back.

"You look tired...more than tired. Worn out?" She observed after greeting me with a kiss and huge hug across the bar. "You doing okay baby? Really?"

I shrugged with a smirk. "Dealing. Getting on with what I need to...you know."

"You need to get laid," she teased.

"I need something Leah," I laughed. "But I'll start with a beer." She was already opening a bottle for me and refused my money. "So what do you say...you and me...run off into the night...?"

She smiled warmly as she took my hand and leaned in to whisper. "You know you're the only dude who could ever have a chance at making me swing that way."

Blushing, I laughed off her admission. "You want a big wedding or something small and intimate?"

"Intimate, definitely. And then I want you to sing to me."

"I'd sing for you everyday my love." I was getting the old playful vibe back that we had a year ago when Leah was my safe flirt. "What d'you wanna hear?"

"Anything. Everything! I dream about your voice you know."

"Mmm...tease. You know I'm gonna fall in love with you."

She let out a full laugh and came closer again to conspire. "Okay, here's the deal...we can run off and elope, but we'd need to bring a third party in to satisfy the real me while the dreamer me loves you to bits. You don't mind another chick with us, right?"

"Oh I guess I'd get used to it..." I laughed, rolling my eyes. "Do we have the same taste though?"

"Umm, close enough baby!" she chuckled.

"Happily ever after then." I held my bottle up to toast our arrangement. "You, me and a hot chick to be named at a later date. A unique marriage."

"We'll start a revolution for lesbians who dig sweet, sexy guys with a desire to mate for life." She ruffled my hair as she gave me another kiss. "I gotta go back to work babe. You're hanging out though, right?"

I nodded in agreement before turning to lean against the bar to crowd watch. I called it crowd watching, when in my heart I knew I was desperately searching for a glimpse of Bella.

"Look who crawled out from under a geode." Instead of Bella, I got a smartass. "Wow, not even wearing a lab coat...impressive."

"Seven...good to see you too. I've heard you around but you couldn't see me waving from the lab when you're at my house. If you climbed up on the roof, you may spot me though. You could scale the side of my house in what...12 seconds, give or take, depending on the level of sugar rush you're on?"

"Funny boy Cullen...I've actually cut back on my addiction, y'know. One bag of candy a day, no more."

"Consumed only at my house, right?" I teased. I was serious about hearing her all the time. She was spending a lot of time with Bella and her excitable voice really carried. My phone vibrated a text alert from Ellie: _'Shows about to start. Grab some beer- we need 4. Next ones mine'_ I waved Leah back over for my order, grabbing a Diet Coke for Bree as well and we wove our way to the front of the pit together. There, with Ellie and Rose, I found Bella.

I also found a strange anxiety that was normally reserved for performing. My stomach was jittery, I was sweating and nervous. Bella seemed equally skittish so I planted myself safely between Ellie and Rosalie. Bella turned to Bree and Riley until the show actually started. I felt bad to have taken her from my friends, but she did have others now. Even surrounded by mine, I still felt alone.

Several songs in, the soundboard experienced technical difficulties so the band took a short break and the crowd broke up. I found Bella next to me, smiling shyly.

"So I guess I owe you a drink."

I started to say no, but remembered her desire for equality. "Sounds good." I grinned. I went with her to the bar. "Where's Alice tonight?"

"Oh she went to Emmett's... Uh, two please Leah. Thanks." She leaned her back against the bar so she was facing me. "Gone for the weekend."

I nodded. I wished Em had come here instead, I could use his support. "It'll be quiet around the house then. Jaz and Rosalie are leaving tonight too."

"Yeah, she told me they were going to see Jack." Bella chewed on her lip as she looked around nervously. "Hey could you bring him home sometime? Like, for a day or something? I really miss him."

"Yeah...or you could go to him...he asks for you a lot."

She smiled, staring down at the floor. "You're not going with them?"

I took the bottles from Leah with a grin and passed Bella her's before taking a sip of my own. "I just came back. For tonight." I tilted my head towards the stage.

"I'm kinda glad...it'd be weird in the house all alone. I was thinking of getting Bree to stay over..."

"No...I'll be there! Yeah...if you need anything, you know...I can...I mean, I'll be home, so you can call or come down or whatever. If you want. If..." I was totally babbling and completely aware of the nonsense I was spewing. Bella was staring at me with an amused look on her face. "You know what I mean."

Her smile widened as the house lights dimmed. "Oh! They're coming back on, let's go!" She reached for my hand, seemingly without thought because as soon as we connected, she pulled back with a nervous giggle. "So maybe I'll see you later."

"Yeah! And thanks for the beer." I gave her a wide smile before watching her run back to the front of the pit. She'd see me later? Would she actually come downstairs? Had we reached the stage where it was cool to hang out sometimes? I wasn't so sure, since the brief contact with her hand moments ago had left me in a state of arousal...could I hang without humiliating myself? Leah was right; I did need to get laid. Suddenly that was all that was on my mind. If Bella was going to be hanging around more, I'd need to have a release somehow...I'd never been one to pick up girls for a one-night stand. Could I even pull that off? Doubtful, since it was Bella that I really wanted.

Rosalie pulled me out of my mind battle, yanking on my shirt to get me up front, next to her. She leaned against my shoulder, arm around my waist. "You two talking now?"

I grinned as I blushed. "A bit, I guess. She was nervous about being alone in the house."

Rose grinned and pinched me. "So why don't to take the opportunity to talk and maybe do a little making up..." She squeezed in front of me, her back against the stage. "I don't know why you're torturing yourself _and_ her. You're meant for each other Edward. You know it." She spoke very softly for Rose. I wasn't used to that; her advice was normally screamed.

And suddenly I wanted to cry. Dammit! I pulled her over to my side again, my arm slung around her shoulder as I downed my beer. I didn't want to look at her in case I couldn't hold it in. "Ty's checking out the crowd...you should go up," I teased to change the subject.

"Riiiight!" she laughed. "No, he's looking for Bree. They've been working on a duet."

"No shit?" Hmm. Jasper hadn't mentioned that, but he had been busy lately. Sure enough, she jumped up on stage and they did a song I hadn't heard. It wasn't mine. And it was good...really good.

"You've been gone from the scene too long baby," Rose said when she saw my expression. "Come home." She wrapped both arms around me and held me tight as she swayed to the music.

"I'll do another if Cullen gets his ass up here!" Bree was coaxing from the stage when their song ended.

I shook my head, laughing, but she didn't relent. I looked to Jasper for help but he was sitting back with a coy grin urging her on. I had no support - even Rosalie was giving me a nudge to go.

"Yeah, get your ass up there!" She took my sigh as a sign of resolve and gave me a two-handed push on the bum to help me climb up as Jaz grabbed my hand.

"Seven's quite persuasive huh," he chuckled.

"Your girlfriend's no better," I grumbled with a grin before we agreed on a song to do. I wasn't feeling Jack White tonight and I definitely would not do one of my own. Inspired by my t-shirt, we opted for some Beatles.

"This one's for my girl working her ass off back there for all of us," I called out. Leah let out a whoop and climbed up on the bar to get a better view. Inspired by her, we performed _'Revolution'_. Getting into it at that point, we continued right into _'Day Tripper'_ and then I went to the piano.

"Come on over Seven. We'll share a mic." She sat beside me and harmonized on _'Let It Be'_. Like an idiot, I got choked up on one poignant line I hadn't even considered until it was coming out:  
_'And when the night is cloudy  
There is still a light that shines on me  
Shine on 'til tomorrow  
Let it be'  
_  
Jaz and Sam picked up for me and Bree rubbed my back soothingly as I finished only the piano part, unable to sing. She gave me a hug when we were done, looking like she wanted to tell me something but in the end refrained.

I didn't go back in the pit when she did, instead, taking the opportunity to collect myself and get my emotions in check backstage, alone. Afterwards, I helped the guys load up and Jaz offered to drop me at the house. He was borrowing Jared's van to get home to Jack quicker.

"That's okay, you guys get going. Jack will have you up with the sun, believe me! I could use the walk anyway."

Jasper pulled me aside, out of earshot from the others. "Dude, I don't know what really went down and you haven't wanted to talk about it much, but I have to speak up here. I think you're being an idiot. You told me you're sick of doing what's right for everyone else instead of yourself...is this really what's right for you? 'Cause I'm not seeing that man. You're miserable."

I nodded and shrugged. "I...yeah...basically..."

"Talk to her. Work it out. 'Cause the way I see it, you're still doing what's right for someone else rather than you...only it's not working for her either. End result - you both lose. Stupid if you ask me...which clearly, you didn't." He stopped to grin and slap me on the back. "But I just thought you could use an outsiders viewpoint. And the timing is right..." he winked.

I grinned shyly and nodded. "I dunno..."

"What have you got to lose man? You're just going through the motions of life as it is. You could be happy again. Just like that. Look at me! I'm like, totally fixed dude. Livin' life and lovin' it! Want my shrink's number?" he teased.

"Nah, I've got Alice. She's free."

"And away for the night...go for it! I'm serious Edward. You two should be together. She is the one for you and you'll regret letting this go. I don't want to see my best friend alone and miserable his whole life. Work it out." He gave me a longer than usual hug before leaving me alone once more with my thoughts.

_'I just don't know what to do with myself...'_ Jack started singing to me on the walk home. He had been silent all this time and he picked_ NOW_ to start up again? I didn't need him putting more thoughts into my mind...or did I?

* * *

_A/N ~ Our guy alone with his thoughts, could be dangerous at this crucial moment.  
I apologize for not responding to feedback as well as I normally try to but there's writing to be done! Comments are always appreciated and loved. Thanks all! ~ SR_


	82. Chapter 82

**Chapter 82**

My walk home began as a stroll. Leah was with me for a bit, attempting to lure me to an after hours club she was headed to. I'd only find trouble if I went there, I knew it. I gracefully declined and promised I'd make more frequent visits to The Underground. After parting with her, I picked up my pace. I was actually anxious to get home for the first time in months. Jasper's words, combined with my singing Jack had made me rethink this thing with Bella. Maybe it _was_ time to find some resolve. Plus it was getting really cold as winter approached. I was hardly dressed for a leisurely walk.

Bella's truck was in the driveway, where it hadn't been when I was here earlier. She hadn't driven after drinking at the club, had she? I frowned as I fumbled with my keys to let myself in. She had more sense than that, there had to be another explanation, I told myself as I stripped off my clothes and headed for a quick shower.

Refreshed, warmer and running lines through my head as to what I'd say when I went up to see Bella, I went back to my room to quickly unpack. I was about to put some music on when I heard the sound of her laughter above me. I smiled at the sound and left my iPOD off. Yes, Bella's laugh was much better than music. Muted voices followed and more laughter. She wasn't alone up there. I sat on my bed to rest a bit since it now seemed I'd have to wait to go see her myself. Maybe she'd asked Bree to stay after all. Damn...I'd lose my nerve if I didn't do this tonight.

"Go home Seven!" I muttered to myself as I got up to do a bit of tidying to keep myself occupied and awake. Jack had kept me busy from very early in the day and I was feeling it now. "Come on...just go..."

There was silence and I prepared to make my move figuring she had indeed left. Then a distinct male voice rang through the vents. Shit! She had a guy in her room! More giggling, more talking that I couldn't make out... FUCK! This was the last thing I had considered happening and I certainly did not want to hear anymore. I took off angrily downstairs to avoid being completely wrecked. I paced the room for several minutes, battling my mind...I was tempted to go bang on her door regardless of whether or not she had a guy in there. Actually, _because_ she had a guy in there!

I'd make an ass of myself, most definitely.

A million memories came at me...promising Bella I'd fight for her. Promising her I'd give her space. Vowing I'd always be here for her. Swearing I'd never ask her to be anyone but herself. Blaming her. Accusing her. Loving her. Making her laugh. Making her cry...saying goodbye. Was she thinking of all these things? Did she have a similar cycle of the good and bad with me?

No! She was up there having a great time with some other guy. Some guy who wasn't me. Some guy who wouldn't have a hope of understanding her. Some guy who couldn't love her as I did. Some guy who could have his hands on her right now...

"Fuck!" I stopped pacing and picked up my guitar. Jaz's guitar, as I still couldn't get over the fact that he'd given it to me. I played along to the tune Jack was blasting out in my head. Oh yeah, Jack White had returned to me and was being a persistent bugger.

_'I can't wait 'til you try to come back girl  
When things, they don't work out for you  
Who do you think you're messing with girl  
What do you think you're trying to do  
Oh yeah yeah yeah...'_

I was really into it, singing my heart out along with Jack:

_'First you said I was blind  
You certainly took your time  
I thought you made up your mind  
I thought you ma...'_

And there she was, standing on the stairs. I turned into a statue.

"Don't let me interrupt you."

"No no... I was just... um..." I put the guitar down and turned off the amp before turning to look at her. "Did you need something?" I asked coldly. I knew_ I_ did.

She bit on her lip as she shook her head slightly. "I just thought we could... like, hang out or something."

I raised my eyebrows. "Hang out? Shit, your boyfriend's barely left and you're ready looking for something else to do?" I didn't feel like holding back as I'd always done in the past when small things hurt me. By the expression on her face, my reaction came unexpectedly.

"Boyfriend...? What are you..."

"Yeah, you can skip that. I can hear everything in my room," I advised her.

"In your room?"

I glared at her impatiently. "You know how you heard Rosalie? Well, I've got the direct link to you now so..."

"Seriously? I can't hear you at all. You must be really quiet." She was obviously shocked by the news.

I snorted in response. "I'm quiet because I'm not here. I can't stand being in my own room anymore. Except, I was. Earlier. And now I'm especially glad that I'm normally not in there when you have a guest."

"Edward...I wasn't...that was just Bree and..."

"Don't bullshit me Bella! Come on! I deserve better...that wasn't Bree's voice..."

"It was Riley..."

"Great. Now I have a visual to go along with the audio..."

"He left with Bree! I lent him a book and then..."

"I don't want to hear it!" I snapped at her.

Her face turned red as she glared back at me. "You know what? Fuck you! I'm really tired of you cutting me off, not letting me fully explain anything..."

"As if you ever have!" I snorted in disbelief. "I get half-truths and blurbs of explanations. _Fuck me?_ If I cut you off, that's the worst thing I've EVER done to you and that gets a 'fuck you'? I can't fucking believe this...you stay with a guy who treats you like property; a possession that he wants full control over. A guy who messes up your mind and frightens you and hits you..."

"That was an accident..."

"And you defend him! Still...you defend him. I look out for you, protect you, love you and I get a 'fuck you'. Thank you very much Bella. That makes me feel so..." I balled up my hands into fists and pounded the back of the couch. "So fucking used."

She sniffled from the stairs and I kept my eyes from seeing her. "I...I didn't mean it, I was just frustrated," she said quietly, her voice quivering.

"It hits me the same no matter the intent."

She was silent, save for the odd sniffle.

"Anything else to say?" I asked in a cool tone.

"I don't always defend Jake."

Smirking at her, I shook my head. "Whatever."

"You weren't there. I told him the same and more. The day you left me? Yeah. I told him off for good, but you wouldn't know because you ran."

I blinked back tears of anger and hurt. "Anything else?" I repeated quietly.

"Yeah. Goodnight Edward." She retreated hastily to her apartment and slammed every door on the way.

"That went well Cullen," I muttered, once again alone. "You're a real asshole, you know that? A total asshole." Slumping down on the couch, I rubbed my aching temples. "This one was you, dude. She isn't to blame." I took a moment to consider my options, deciding that if I didn't go and make amends immediately, I'd never have another chance.

I took a deep breath outside her door and then knocked. I thought momentarily that she wouldn't respond, but the door did open for me after a third round of knocking.

"I was in the bathroom," she said as she held the door open for me. Her eyes were red and her cheeks blotchy. She'd had a serious cry in there.

"Bella..." My voice cracked and her face scrunched up to cry again. "I'm sorry!" I blurted as I crouched down and held her by the arms, wanting desperately to hold her. "I came to tell you that...it was my fault, you were right. Completely right. I'm a dick...and I'm sorry. And I'm sorry I'm making you cry more now. I'm just really sorry Bella. Please don't cry."

Her face was buried in her hands, but she rested her forehead against my chest as she sobbed. My arms instinctively wrapped around her and her hands grabbed onto my shirt, keeping me near.

"I'm so sorry. I misunderstood what I heard and jumped to conclusions...I was hurt. I can't even blame this one on being drunk because I'm not at this point. I'm just an ass. And you're right...I piss and moan about you closing me out but when you try to talk to me, I shut you down. I'm sorry Bella. I'm so, so sorry. I won't do that to you again, I promise." I yammered on and on just so happy to be able to hold her. I wished it had went differently and I was holding her for another reason entirely, but I'd settle for this. "Bella...please forgive me."

She pulled back reluctantly, still gripping my shirt. "Of course. Of course I forgive you." She looked up at me with wide, honest eyes and my knees felt weak.

I hugged her again, smoothing her hair as I placed my lips against the top of her head.

"I didn't mean it," she whispered. "Edward, I'm sorry for that...I didn't mean it. I know you've always been good to me. You always do the right thing for me. You didn't deserve that...well, actually no. You did. I didn't do anything wrong tonight and you jumped on me for nothing! Riley hangs out with me because of Bree, no other reason than that. He's her puppy. So yeah, the new me says 'fuck you Edward' for making me feel like shit over absolutely nothing. I'm just sorry I didn't specify the 'fuck you' was for that reason alone. I didn't realize you were still sore about Jake. Maybe we should get that out huh?"

I was loving the rapid words spewing from her. It was the most she'd said to me since the night I'd broken up with her. "I'll listen. Now. If you want to talk," I said softly, my lips still brushing against her hair. She smelled wonderful. I missed her scent and I didn't even care that I'd gotten two more 'fuck you's'.

Very gently, she eased herself away, her eyes locked on mine. Taking me by the hand, she led me over to the couch. She held onto my hand even after we sat. "I understand why you left Cullen. I hate that you did, but I understand it. I want you to know what happened after you did."

"Okay," I replied softly. "I'm listening Bella."

She smiled at me sweetly. "My dad was super pissed. I've never seen him so angry. You and Charlie must've really bonded on his porch because he was totally on your side."

I chuckled at her choice of words since the male bonding thing was an issue with Charlie and I having vastly different methods. "No Bella, Charlie is totally on_ your_ side, that's all. He only wants you to be happy."

"You know, I've never had a better relationship with my dad than I do now. I have you to thank for that." She gave my hand a squeeze as she looked down shyly. "Back to that day...he tore a major strip off Jake and then went inside for us to sort it out. I told him you knew everything so he had nothing left on me. We were done. He had the audacity to scoff at me. Like I didn't know what I wanted or whatever. He still didn't get it. He really_ is_ thick..." She let go of my hand and ran her hands through her hair. "He kissed me. Or tried to..."

I squirmed in my seat, resisting the urge to tell her to stop. I didn't want to know that...

"...so I punched him."

"You didn't!" I cried out in glee.

"Not a Rosalie kind of punch either. Square in the jaw."

"Bella! Impressive!" I cackled, so proud of her.

She giggled at my reaction. "Yeah, Charlie was impressed too...Jake wasn't. But he gets it now."

"Are you still..."

"Speaking with him? No. Things will never be the same between us. I hoped...I wanted...the Jacob I knew as a kid. The great friend who just enjoyed spending time with me, y'know?"

I nodded my understanding, but let her speak.

"That Jacob is gone. He grew into something very different, soon after we became involved romantically. It changed him, being with me that way. We were too young. And he has a lot of growing up to do. Maybe, someday he'll go back to the old Jake, just my friend. But I won't be around while he's like this. I am done."

I couldn't help but smile. That was a huge relief. Not only was my competition gone, but Bella was free of his mind fucks as well. She finally saw him for what he was. "I wish I had seen that." My smile widened as she laughed.

"You would've jumped to my defence..."

"And got my ass kicked!"

She smiled at me, chewing lightly on her lip. "Cullen...I love that you respected what I asked of you...to not fight him. I couldn't stand to see that..."

"I know. Trust me, I have no grand delusions that I could ever win a physical match against him."

"Yet you did go after him before you left," she said softly.

"Sorry...I was really angry and upset and..."

"I love that you did that too Cullen. Thank you. It said...so much..."

"Bella, I would do anything for you; even if it means enduring physical pain..."

"I know. I get that now." She smiled and stroked my cheek gently.

Her touch felt electrifying. Her smile made my heart pound. We'd made it...we'd gotten through the worst. I took her hand a placed a soft kiss on her palm. "I'm sorry I hurt you Bella."

"You did. I was devastated. But I needed it Cullen. I needed to see what I couldn't before..."

"I swear I'll never do that to you again Bella..."

"Cullen..." She held her finger to my lips. "Let me get this out. Please?"

I smiled my crooked grin at her. "Sorry. Please continue."

"I needed a wake up call to see what I was doing to you. You were right, everything you did, was for me...and for us... I took advantage. I didn't play fairly and I didn't give you nearly what you gave me."

"It's not a competition!"

"Cullen?" She gave me a clear 'shut up!' look. I did. "I realized I still have a lot of growing up to do too. You deserve to be with someone who's your partner in everything. I haven't been that person. I don't want to have a Rosalie-type dependency on you, and it was getting there." Pausing, she ran her tongue across her bottom lip and took both of my hands in hers. "You were right. I'm not ready to be in the kind of relationship you need. I'm working on it, but until I know I can be for you what you are for me..."

My world spun again as my stomach dropped. We weren't getting back together...she didn't want me now. "Bella...I can deal with it! While you're working on it, I mean. I'll help you. I'll do whatever you need me to do!"

A tear rolled down her cheek, to me it seemed in slow motion. "I need you to stick with what you did weeks ago. Let me go."

A tear rolled down my cheek at a much faster pace, quickly followed by another. I wiped at them roughly. "Bella..."

"I need more time. Edward...I'm not giving up, I just need to make this right. If you still want me at that point..."

"If I still _want you_?" I asked incredulously.

"I mean...I understand if you don't wait for me. If you meet someone else..." Her voice caught on her words and she looked away from me quickly. "I'll understand."

"I won't," I stated firmly. "There isn't anyone else like you."

She smiled at me with sadness in her eyes. "Lucky for you."

"Yeah...no! Because you're all I want and you don't...you don't want me."

"Cullen!" she sobbed. "That's not true. You're everything I want. You're everything..." She wept openly as she stroked my arm. "This is so hard for me because I want to be with you so much it hurts!"

"It's what I want as well," I reminded her.

She shook her head. "I need to be sure I won't hurt you anymore. That I can be your equal, that I can be everything you need."

"You are and more Bella! You just have to be open like this and we'll be fine! This is what we need..._you're_ what I need!"

Her sobbing let up, but the tears still streamed as she held my face in her tiny, soft hands. "I love you Edward Cullen. I love you so much. This is what _we_ need now...time. Growth, on my part. Understanding on yours. I will love you until the end of time, I swear..." She choked on a sob that escaped. "I need to do this. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

I let the tears run as I stared blankly into her lap. I didn't protest any further as there was no point. My very determined woman had made up her mind.

_'I thought you made up  
I thought you made up  
I thought you made up your mind...'  
_  
Numbness settled in again as Jack sang out hauntingly. I took her hands and held them against my lips briefly. Then I kissed her forehead and stood.

"Edward? Please don't hate me for this."

"I could never hate you Bella. Believe that." Before I could drop to my knees and beg her to give me another chance, I walked out.

* * *

_A/N ~ And Bella turns the table on him. I can't figure out which hurt him more, him breaking up with her, or this rejection. Either way, Edward needs a hug. Loving the feedback, thanks for taking the time to comment! ~ SR_


	83. Chapter 83

**Chapter ****83  
**  
_'Tell me how I'm supposed to get through with this  
I wish this house felt like a home...'_

_'I Can't Wait'_, ala Jack White was like background noise in my head for days. It didn't annoy me really, it was comforting in a way because otherwise there was simply a numbness that did annoy me. In an attempt to clear out Jack's voice and make my pain real, I turned to an album with which I related to almost every song; _'Sawdust'_. The Killers must have had a vision of me and Bella when they wrote that one.

Even when I related the events to Rosalie and Jasper when they returned home, it didn't seem real. It wasn't exactly acceptance and my personal singing Jack was definitely better than the gut-wrenching pain I'd felt that night. All night.

"What happened? Oh baby, I was so sure you'd work it out this weekend." Rosalie sat with her arm around me, head on my shoulder.

Jaz was on my other side. "Yeah, I feel like shit dude. I encouraged you...she really seemed like she wanted this. I'm sorry man."

Rosalie looked baffled. "She was talking about it with me last night...it just doesn't make sense."

I shrugged. "It's probably me. I kinda blew up at her and then had to go apologize. It started off all wrong. She must have changed her mind 'cause I'm an ass."

I continued to shrug it off and got back to work. Every day was the same; classes, work, lab. It was getting too cold to be running back and forth so I stayed at the science department from early morning until as late as possible, hoping to be so tired I'd sleep no matter what when I got into my bed at night. It wasn't working. Bella was crying at night again...softer this time, like she was attempting to mute it. For my benefit? If she cared about that, why couldn't she give us another chance? Even if she called me up as a friend, I'd help her. At least I'd try.

One night was particularly bad. Her crying wasn't letting up and my heart was breaking for her. I reached for my phone to send her a text, but a call rang in first. Not a number I recognized but I picked up, anxious to get rid of whomever so I could talk to Bella.

"Hello," I said brusquely.

"Hello...Edward?" The voice wasn't familiar and sounded distant, but they knew me so it wasn't a mistaken caller.

"Yeah." There was clearly annoyance in my voice.

"Hi, I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time..."

"Actually, I do have to make a call..."

"Son...would you rather I call back another time?"

Son..._son?_ Edward Masen? It had to be...what the hell do I call him? "Um...no. No! Hi! I didn't know who I was talking to. I'm sorry I was rude."

There was soft laughter from the other end. "I hope it's alright that I'm calling rather than writing this time? It's just that your letters lately seem...off. You don't seem yourself and I've been worried. Is everything alright?"

A lump formed in my throat rendering speech impossible. He could tell by my written words? He knew me that well? Amazing. And profoundly touching. He was in the dark about my dilemma with Bella, I hadn't written a word about it - to him or myself. "Yeah...uh...well no really," I stumbled with my spoken words now too. "Really? You could tell by my letters?"

"If you don't want to talk about it..."

His voice was kind and gentle. It put me at ease instantly. "Actually, I think I do." The story poured out of me like an over-filled tub. Bella, how my marks were suffering, my sense of isolation. "Thing is, I've got really great friends and they're all here for me, but I've never felt more alone. I'm afraid I'm doing the same thing Bella did to me, shutting them out. But I don't want to be that guy who's always on about his ex, you know? And they're friends with both of us so I don't want to put anyone in a bad position. I just hate feeling this way. I wish Emmett wasn't so far away."

"You boys are close," he stated. I could almost hear a smile in his voice.

"Yeah. Yeah, real close. Now...I couldn't talk to him about stuff before but lately, he's the only one I'm able to talk to openly. Until you...are you sorry you called yet?"

A warm laugh rang out. "Not the slightest bit son. I wish I'd called you sooner, in fact. Edward...you do know that when I gave you over to the Cullens, I wasn't ridding myself of you, nor my responsibilities to you. I you ever need anything..."

"I don't need anything. Just talking like this...is really great." I laid back feeling much more peaceful.

"I've enjoyed it as well, despite the topic of conversation. I wish I could be of more help to you, but as a much older hopelessly single man, I don't have a lot to offer in ways of advice I'm afraid."

I gave that some thought, knowing I didn't want to be in his position 20 or 30 years from now. Yet, just like my mother was the only woman to capture his heart, I felt I was destined to live a parallel life to my dad without Bella. "Just talking to you helped. More than you could know. Next time won't be so dreary, I promise."

He chuckled along with me before breaking a brief silence. "Edward, I know this is out of the blue, but would you consider spending the holidays with me?"

"In Africa?" I was beyond stunned by his invitation. "Oh...uh..."

"Oh, I've put you in an uncomfortable place. I do apologize."

"No, I'd love to, it's just...it's Christmas and I've made all sorts of plans with Jack."

"I understand son, it's okay. Another time?"

"Definitely! Yeah! I'd really like that."

We chatted about other things for some time after before saying our goodbyes. I promised to call him next. And write as myself again, no holding back. It had been almost 2 months since Bella and I had parted and for the first time since that day, I slept soundly. My dad's voice had chased my singing Jack away for the time being.

I was completely stressed over the next two weeks while exams took place. The whole semester had been a struggle for me so exams were freaking me out when usually they were simple for me with a minor cram session and a good sleep. I thought I managed to scrape by, but I was certain I didn't give my standard performance. I hung around a few days after most students had finished and left for the holidays. If I could bring my grade up by doing any sort of extra credit for Davis, I would. Jane had already left for a holiday with her parents who were meeting her in Belgium. Lucky girl. I missed her already.

I flipped open the book she'd given me as a Christmas gift, inscribed, _'For my favourite cousin, with a soulful presence and beautiful_ _mind. Love, Jane'._ It was a rare collection of poetry from around the world and I loved it. It made my gift of a travel set for her seem lame. That said, she was the only one I'd even bought for yet. I'd end up doing all the rest in one day. That caused more stress.

"Hey, you're still here too huh?" Renata appeared in the doorway of the lab.

I smiled across the room at her. "You know I hate leaving this place."

"Not going home for Christmas Cullen?" She came right in and sat on the edge of my desk, a regular spot for her lately.

"Yeah yeah. Soon. You?"

She shrugged. "Probably after the weekend. I'm enjoying the peace and quiet," she laughed. She had two roommates who loved to party, thus her reason for always being in her own lab sanctuary.

We spent some time bemoaning the hell of the past week and comparing notes on exam stumpers before Davis came round to bid farewell for the holidays.

"Time to go kids. I'm afraid I've got to lock up for a few weeks. You'll both have to find someplace else to 'hang'," he teased light-heartedly. "I'm sure your families are anxious to see you...I know I'm ready to get the hell out of here!"

"Okay okay!" I laughed, gathering up my things. "We get the hint!"

We walked across campus together, talking about what the new year would bring. "Hey, you wanna get some coffee or something?" Renata asked when we reached the point where we normally branched off.

"Uh...I dunno..." I mumbled. We'd spent a lot of time together...in the lab. And usually with Jane. We'd never gone out anywhere together and it made me feel sort of angsty. I liked her...a lot. She was interesting and fun and really quirky, but this seemed weird to me. Would it be like a date? Or a hang?

She made a face at my indecisiveness. "It's not a trick question...coffee? Or not?"

"I should get home and..."

"And what? Study? We're officially on break! Come on Cullen; it's Christmas!" She grabbed onto my arm and coaxed me towards the cafe. "And it's coffee...yummm!"

She knew my love for java well, and I laughed as I let her drag me along. We had coffee together and then decided to go get some dinner someplace else. We roamed the streets for an hour looking for a suitable place. She felt like pasta, so when we found a mom and pop Italian place virtually empty, we jumped at it.

I sat bundled in my jacket and hat for several minutes trying to warm up in the booth. "Christ! I can't feel my toes!"

"Take your shoes off. They'll warm faster."

I shook my head, laughing at her. "My mother would have a fit if she knew I had my shoes off in a restaurant!" There, I did it again...brought my mother into date convo. _Wait...what the fuck?_ Was this really now a_ date_? Suddenly I was uncomfortable again.

The red wine Renata ordered for us helped me relax somewhat, and my toes did warm up after she coerced me into being rebellious. No one could see anyway, it was dark. We picked off each other's plates, both tempted by what the other had ordered and ended up splitting a second bottle of wine. I was feeling quite toasty and extremely comfortable by dessert. We'd also slid closer together in the booth, now sitting side-by-side rather than across from each other. And I had a case of the giggles. We called for the cheque when I ended up with the hiccups. The cold night air cured them instantly.

"So, I guess I'll see you after New Year's," she said as we stood outside the restaurant.

"Oh. Yeah. I guess so." This was the awkward 'how do we go our own ways now' part. "I should walk you home," I declared. "Make sure you get in safely." Like I could do anything to protect her from an assailant.

She smiled and hooked her arm through mine. "This way, my lord."

"Lord?" I scoffed.

"So gallant and brave..." she cooed, mocking me in a playful way.

My response of a giggle hardly represented the image she'd put forth for me, but red wine tended to go straight to my head and I couldn't refrain from giggling. "I think I need another coffee," I strained to compose myself as we neared the cafe.

"Don't buy one! We're almost at my place, I'll make it for you."

Her coffee was nothing like Charlie's, it came from a jar and got dissolved in boiling water. But it was strong and did the trick. We sat in her living room, together on the couch while we talked about plans for the holidays. I ended up telling her about my dad's invitation to Africa.

"And you're passing that up? You're insane! I'd love to go to Africa."

"I'd love to meet my dad," I grinned. She knew a version of my truth, the same one Jane knew, so she caught onto her comment seeming callous.

"Oh shit, I'm sorry. Of course...you really should reconsider. It's a great opportunity for many reasons."

I shook my head. "Nah. I promised Jack a bunch of things. I can't let him down. This is his first Christmas with us...and without his parents. They're shitful, but I'm sure he still misses them at least a little."

Renata examined me closely and she put her hand over mine on my lap. "You're really a considerate guy, you know? Thinking of someone else's kid before yourself..."

"He's my brother. For now. I didn't want to be thought of as someone else's kid, so he's not either." I smiled at her to let her know my words were meant to let her know how I felt about Jack, not to correct her.

"That's sweet."

Oh, here we go with the sweet thing. Would I ever shake that? As I considered doing my 'kittens are sweet' rant, she moved closer. Much closer. In fact, her face was inches from mine and she was still moving in. I froze when her lips met mine. Literally, froze. She pulled back and looked at my stiff form.

"You should relax. I won't bite," she teased softly as she came for me again. She held my cheek in her hand this time and I had to admit the contact, all of it, felt good. Really good. I relaxed and kissed her back. Her hands went to my hair as she positioned herself over me and for a moment, I allowed myself to get lost in the raw feeling of arousal as she kissed me more deeply.

"Um...Renata...I..." My words kept getting cut off with kisses. God, it felt good. Really, really good. "Renata!" I held her arms firmly as I pulled away. "I can't do this."

She eyed me and sat back, still straddling my lap, but at least nowhere near my awakened dick. "What's the problem? Not into it? Or just me?"

Shit. I didn't mean to offend her. "It's not you...I like you a lot. It's..."

"There's someone else," she stated. "You have a girlfriend you've neglected to mention."

"Had," I corrected.

"But you're not over her."

"Not even close. I'm sorry!" I said sincerely as she climbed off. "I am sorry...I didn't intend for this... You've been a really good friend, I wouldn't hurt you intentionally."

"Well," she said with a grin as she fixed herself up. "At least we got it cleared up right away. No harm done, right?"

"Sure. I should go." I stood up hastily, kicking over my not quite empty cup on the table. "Shit! I'll clean that up, sorry!"

"Cullen..." she chuckled at me as I sopped it up with tissues. "You're an adorable mess. Now go home."

My boner and I took the long way home. It cursing me the whole way. And me cursing myself for putting myself in that position in the first place. I wanted sex, for sure. But I wanted Bella more.

I wasn't meant for the dating scene. It hit me as more than true when I rounded the corner and found Charlie packing his trunk. He'd come to pick up Bella to take her home. I slowed my pace and considered turning back, but he spotted me before I could make a move.

"Edward! I was hoping I'd see you!" he called out.

"Hello Chief Swan. How are you?" I said amicably as I approached.

He made a face. "We're back to that again huh?" He sighed as he stroked his mustache. "I know you haven't made any ground with my daughter, but you and I didn't have a falling out. I can still be Charlie."

I grinned at his attempt to put me at ease. "Thanks. You can call me Cullen if you'd like."

"Miss it?" he teased.

"I do. I hear fishing went well?" Carlisle had filled me in on their trip a few weeks back.

"Ugh. There's enough fish in the freezer for a year!" Bella commented as she came down the walkway with the last of her things.

"You like fish!" Charlie retorted.

"Not every day Dad. For breakfast, lunch and dinner. I'm making us something else when I'm home."

"Hot Pockets are always good," I suggested with a smirk.

"They are." Bella gave me a shy smile as she passed by me for the trunk.

"Here, let me help." I took her bag off her and placed in inside the trunk before closing it. "So, you're off then?"

"Yeah. When are you leaving?"

I shrugged. "Haven't checked the train schedule."

"We'll drop you off at home," Charlie offered from behind Bella. He gave me an impish grin and a wink.

"Dad! He's probably not even packed!"

I shoved my hands deep in my pockets as I looked at the ground. "Thanks, but I've still got some stuff to do before I go."

"Suit yourself..."

Bella stood in front of me, a small bag still in her hand. "Oh, um, I sent some gifts for Jack home with Jasper and uh, this is for you..." She thrusted the bag at me and looked away.

"Bella...oh...jeez. I feel really horrible! I haven't done any shopping yet. At all."

"No no...that's fine. Totally fine. I got this a long time ago..." She shifted nervously from foot to foot. "Don't worry about it."

"Thank you," I said softly. "So...Merry Christmas, if I don't talk to you..." I should hug her. I really wanted to hug her.

"Yeah, you too."

We stood there awkwardly and then I just went for it. She returned my hug and hung on longer than I expected. "Bye Bella," I whispered into her hair. "I'll see you."

She released her grip on me and pulled back with a smile that warmed me instantly. Her jacket was open and I spotted the pendant I'd given her on her birthday weekend. That warmed me even more.

"See you Cullen." She stood on her toes and went for a quick cheek kiss but missed, hitting somewhere along my jaw instead. Giggling, she went back to her normal height so I bent my knees to be at her level and gave her a kiss. A very soft one, on the lips, before holding her door open for her.

Her eyes never left mine as she climbed in and I crouched down to talk to her again before I closed the door. "Thanks again...for the gift. Um, maybe I can come see you over the holidays after I've shopped?"

"No! Seriously Cullen! You don't have to get me anything!" She reached her hand over to my cheek. "It's okay. But maybe we could see each other..."

"Yeah?" I grinned. "I'll call you. Or text!"

She gave me a well-placed kiss this time, on the lips as well. "Text, definitely," she grinned.

I closed her door, smiling through the window before turning to Charlie. "Sorry for keeping you. That was awkward huh?" I giggled.

He cleared his throat. "Uh, yeah. No problem though. Take care kid. Have a great Christmas." He pulled me into a most awkward hug as Bella roared with laughter in the car. "You know where we live!"

I stood on the sidewalk, watching until they were out of sight before making my way inside. Making a necessary adjustment below, I said aloud, like it had ears or even wanted to listen to me: "See? Now aren't you glad we didn't stay with Renata? That was so much better!"

I giggled to myself, positively elated as I went to my room.


	84. Chapter 84

**Chapter ****84**

Bella's gift to me was a documentary film by Edward Masen on the mounting storms caused by global warming and a book he wrote on the same. The dedication was to my mother and I again. I wondered if they all were. I texted Bella with my appreciation for the gifts and she wrote back teasing me for not waiting. Then I settled in to start reading, falling asleep eventually with sweet memories of Bella's lips on mine.

In the morning, I awoke feeling refreshed and anxious to get my stuff done so I could head home. I cleaned my whole level of the house, showered and started packing before I heard Rosalie up.

"Good morning!" I greeted her with a big grin when she came upstairs.

Cocking an eyebrow at me, she poured herself a coffee. "Okay, what did you do?"

"Do? Nothing, why?"

"You're cheerful. Too cheerful. Oh my god, you got laid!"

"No!" I chuckled. "Still miserably frustrated but happy about it, if that makes sense." I told her all about my previous night.

She grinned across the table at me. "You've never told me personal stuff like this before."

"Well normally, I don't kiss and tell..."

"But seeing as you kissed two girls last night..."she taunted. "So who was better?"

I rolled my eyes at her. "Please. There's not even a competition. Anyway, what time are you working today?"

"This afternoon. Four hours. Same tomorrow, it's not even worth staying here...and I miss Jaz!"

"He's only been gone two days Rosie," I smiled at her.

"I know!" She moaned as she dropped her head onto the table.

"Wanna go shopping with me?"

"Shopping?" Her head was buried against her arms so it was muffled, bit her interest still showed.

"I need to do my Christmas shopping. I'll buy you lunch?"

Her head popped up. "Shopping and lunch. Hmm, let me think...give me half an hour!" She flew out of her chair, kissed my head on the way past and was back, ready to go in 29 minutes.

I met her after work as well and we stopped to pick out a movie to rent for the evening. I'd made dinner for us.

"So, are you going to tell Bella about your date last night?" Rose asked after dinner when we settled in to watch the movie.

"It wasn't a date!"

"Baby, there was dinner, wine, coffee at her place and your tongue in her mouth. It was a date."

I frowned at her simplistic account. "Should I? It'd be weird just calling her up and saying, 'by the way, I had this date that wasn't meant to be a date...' I mean, we don't really even talk. And the last time we had a meaningful conversation, she basically told me to move on."

"Ugh!" Rose rolled her eyes at me and slapped my leg. "Jesus, you are so dense!"

"What?" I exclaimed, rubbing my thigh. It burned where she slapped.

"She doesn't want you to be with another chick...obviously!"

"Obviously," I snorted, mocking her. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"God Edward! She loves you! Why would she want you to date or stick your tongue in someone's mouth?"

"I didn't! Oh for fuck sake...it was just a kiss. It wasn't like...tongue probing or anything. A kiss. That's it. Well, two kisses. And besides, why would Bella tell me she was okay with it if she's not?"

"I'll spell I out for you because honestly, I don't think you'll ever get it otherwise. Bella wants what's best for you. That's all. She loves you enough to let you go if that's what you want."

"That's so ridiculous! I want her!"

Rosalie smirked at me as she took my hand. "You're both ridiculous baby. You want what's best for her...which is you, of course and she can't see that she is what's best for you. Honey, try to understand...the only boyfriend she ever had fucked with her mind so badly that she just doesn't feel like she's ever good enough. And along comes you, Prince Charming, sweeping her off her feet when she can't believe she can be your Cinderella. Do you get it?"

I sat in stunned silence. This is what Bella had been getting at all along. And I didn't listen. "How did you figure this out Rose?"

"She talks to me. And I _LISTEN!_"

"You've been talking? About us?" I knew they hung out sometimes but Rosalie didn't usually keep her mouth shut when she got gossip.

"I can keep things to myself when it's important Edward," she smiled. "Yeah, we've been talking a lot. That's why me and Jaz goaded you into getting with her that weekend...only it backfired. She thought she was ready to accept your love and all that comes with it...and then you argued. She wasn't expecting your apology. Apparently. It gave her those unworthy feelings again and she got scared."

"I fucked up by apologizing?" I snorted. "Amazing. Even for me."

Rosalie rested her head on my shoulder, our hands still clenched together. "I don't know. Maybe this is better. She's really working on being strong and independent. She's so great Edward...you can't let her get away. But I'm warning you, if you are that stupid, I'm not giving her up. It's a huge deal that she's open with me. She worked really hard to get to that point and I'm not fucking it up for her. I won't screw her over. So you can get pissy at gatherings or just stay away if it comes to that."

I wrapped my oldest friend in a tight hug. "I really love you Rosie. You can kick my ass anytime I need it, okay?"

"You got it baby." She snuggled in and we watched my latest favourite movie,_ 'Pirate Radio'_. Then we watched our all-time favourite-to-watch-together movie,_ 'Love Actually'_.

"Got another one in you?" I asked as I took the disc out. "_'Almost Famous'_?" I grinned holding up my old favourite.

"Put it on, no promises I'll make it through the whole thing." She put the empty popcorn bowl on the table and stretched out. I flicked her toes to make her move to give me my seat back.

"Couch hog!"

"Hog, in general," she retorted before smiling and putting her feet on my lap.

* * *

"Rise and shine."

A voice stirred me from my sleep. I cracked open an eye; the TV was still on and Alice stood over me. "Hey," I mumbled with a yawn.

"You look cozy," she commented, lips pursed.

I became aware of a weight on my chest and a completely numb arm. Rosalie. Giving her a shove to wake her up as well, I tried to get my arm free. "Jesus Christ Rose! You crushed my arm! And did you drool on me?" I examined the wet spot on my shirt. "You did!"

"I don't drool," she grumbled and attempted to roll off me and the couch. "Oh gross Edward! That better not be what I think it is!"

"Don't flatter yourself!" I tossed a cushion at her as she sat on the floor staring at my crotch. "I need my morning piss. Don't stare at it!" I pushed her head aside as I adjusted my boner and got up to relieve myself.

Alice was giggling from the chair. "All's normal here!"

"What are you doing here anyway?" I asked when I returned.

"I'm your driver for today. Actually, you can drive back. It's a boring drive. But I brought wheels!"

"I still have a shift today," Rose reminded us.

"Yeah, I know. We'll find something to do and we'll head home right after you're done work."

I smiled at Alice referring to my parents' house as 'home'. She and Rose both had other homes to go to, yet they chose to be with us for the holidays. It was going to be a fun break with them _and_ Jack around.

"Oh! Alice..." I knelt beside her chair and kissed her cheek. "Sweetheart, darling..."

"What d'you want?" she asked bluntly.

"Shop with me? Please? Rose got me started but I still need some more gifts."

Her face lit up. Of course she'd shop for me...uh, I mean with me. She was too easy. She'd know exactly what to get for my remaining gifts.

"Thanks for being my personal shopper," I grinned at Alice as we shared a slice of pie with our coffees. We had half an hour to wait for Rose and I was done! Completely finished my Christmas shopping.

"Now you just have to wrap." Alice cackled evilly and then poked her tongue out at me.

"How can I convince you to help me with that too?" I cracked my most sincere grin.

"Um...actually...if this is too weird, just tell me okay?"

I set my cup down and sat back. "Okay..."

"I need something that will keep Emmett interested...he's your brother, what's he into?"

"Uh, gadgets and electronics and engines..anything with complicated wiring."

She rolled her eyes.

"And porn," I chuckled. "Is that more what you had in mind?"

She blushed as she kicked me under the table. "Keep your voice down!"

I laughed at her softly as I leaned forward to answer her seriously, as best I could. "I dunno Al. He's into sex in general. And you." I shrugged. "I don't think you need to do anything special to wind him up."

"I know he likes porn...I wanted to get him something we could..."

"Watch together, yeah I get it. And you want me to go buy it for you, right?"

She nodded. "And pick it out. He always makes me chose so I don't really know what he's into, y'know?" she whispered earnestly.

"Fuck, I don't know either!" I laughed. It was surreal, sitting with the girl I'd crushed so severely on two years ago, discussing my brother's porn preference over coffee and pecan pie. Truly bizarre.

"Well, what did he give you that time...?"

"His left-overs probably...oh! You figure he gave me what he liked. Hmmm.... Let me think about it, I never picked up on a theme, then again, I never get through more than a bit at a time..."

"Ew! Too much Edward!"

"Well what do you want?" I giggled as I blushed. "You brought it up."

"Can we just go to the store and see if anything appeals to you?"

"Okay..." I grimaced. "I really don't know if we have the same taste though."

She smirked at me and then laughed. "Seriously?" She swept her hand around her head. "Hello? What am I?"

I grabbed her hand and pulled her outside. "Point taken. We'll go find something great."

We spoke in hushed tones in the sex shop. It was rather crowded for a weekday afternoon. Odd. "Okay, you do know that a guy's taste in porn doesn't necessarily reflect his taste in reality. This is all about fantasy...so..." I ran my hand through my hair as I perused the covers of the first shelf.

"Nothing grabbing you?" she whispered at my side.

"Nothing better grab me in here!" I joked. "Well, what do you like?"

She was beet red when I looked down at her. It cracked me up and made her angry. "Cut it out! Just pick something!"

"Okay okay...I'm gonna pick something I can borrow after you're done with it..."

"Whatever! Just choose!"

"You like big tits?" I held up a box titled 'Biggie Size It', boldly claiming nothing under a 48FF or 10 inches. She glared at me. "Me neither. Now I personally don't go for gonzo but you..."

"Put it down!"

I chuckled as we moved along to the next shelf. "Okay...this one." I said brusquely and grabbed her hand to go pay. Outside, she took it from me to have a better look.

"Really?" she smirked at me.

"Shut up."

"Edward...I never knew..." she continued teasing.

"Shut up Alice! I told you, it's not about reality..."

"So if Em doesn't like it, we can re-gift it to you?"

I stopped walking abruptly. "This is why you should've picked one yourself! He'll like it! Any guy would."

"Including you..."

"Shut up!" I did giggle this time. And became aware of the semi I had just thinking about the content on the disc. "Let's go get Rosalie."

"I dunno Edward...you me and Rose alone on a long drive? We might get bored, or incredibly hot and have to strip down..."

I sighed heavily. "I'm gonna regret this day for the rest of my life aren't I?"

"Yep!" Alice pinched my side through my jacket and laughed. "Wait...does Bella know?"

"Shut! _UP_!"

* * *

"Make sure they get wrapped nice and pretty now," I taunted as I passed my shopping bags to Alice.

"You're doing his wrapping? You wouldn't do mine!" Emmett whined.

"We have an arrangement." Alice gave him a gentle kiss and smirked at me. "I'd offer to let you...go first. But I don't want you to hurt yourself before tonight!"

Laughing, I swung around to pick up Jack as Esme brought him in.

"How would Edward hurt himself?" she asked as she gave me a kiss on the cheek.

Alice and I cracked up. Emmett looked confused and Esme shook her head. "Forget it. I don't want to know!"

Despite the embarrassment Alice continued to bring on me, it was the best day I could remember having in a long time. I went to my room and took out my phone to text Bella.

_'Home now. Our house is locked up...you left your window open! Alice closed it. No problems. :p Call me later? If you want'_

I started to unpack, with Jack's help. Bella's reply was short:

_'I would, but you'll be too busy! :) Later.'_

Too busy? Jack was tugging on my arm to see my phone. This must be what she meant...Jack. "It's a text message, I explained. "Like a note, over the phone. It's from Bella."

"Bella?" His eyes lit up just like mine did whenever I saw a message from her. "Can I try?"

Laughing, I pulled him onto my lap and helped him tap out several brief texts back and forth with Bella until Esme summoned us downstairs.

"Quick! Your dad just pulled up." She was grinning from ear to ear. Carlisle must've pulled a double shift because he was supposed to be off already.

Carrying Jack, I ran to the door to let him in, tickling Jack for giggles the whole way. Only it wasn't Carlisle standing on the other side.

"You couldn't come to me so..." Edward Masen. On my parents' doorstep, smiling widely with Carlisle standing behind me, equally elated.

I stared at him, slack-jawed as I noticed everyone with the same smile of excitement. They all knew about this! My father was standing two feet in front of me and all I could get out was, "Uhhh..."

Everyone chuckled and Jasper came to take Jack from me. "Come here pal, Edward has a guest."

I felt him leave my arms and wished he was back in them. I felt naked. "Um, hi...wow..."

"You're shocked, I know," he smiled warmly.

"Uh, more than shocked! How did you...when...um, are you staying?"

"Yes!" He laughed at my jumbled questioning. "Your family was kind enough to take me in for the holidays."

"Yeah," I grinned, suddenly very emotional. "They tend to do that." I reached awkwardly for him...what was appropriate when meeting one's father at my age? A handshake?

"Come here..." Equally emotional, he pulled me into a hug and held me tight for what felt like an eternity. "I've waited so long to do that," he said as he released me. He wiped away his own tears as I cleared mine. "Wow, you're tall."

I giggled and snortled and hugged him again. "I'm really glad you're here. And thank you...to everyone involved in this. Thank you Mom." I hugged Esme and reached for Carlisle. "Dad, thank you."

"Merry Christmas Edward," Carlisle smiled. "Your whole family is here."

Esme took her turn hugging Edward while everyone chatted and laughed at my stunned look and then they were introduced, one by one.

"I was wondering why I hadn't heard from you in a few days," I admitted when we took a walk by ourselves after dinner.

"Yes, I've been travelling for days. Last minute flights out of that region can be tricky!" he chuckled.

"I guess so! I can't believe you did this..." I shook my head, smiling inside and out. "And I can't believe no one told me!"

"We wanted to surprise you. I'm wondering why Bella isn't here though..."

Bella? "Um...well, she's at home. We're still...we aren't together. I'm working on it though."

He smiled as he patted my back. "So is she. This was her doing, you know. That's why I thought she'd be here."

I froze. "What?"

"She emailed me, right after I got off the phone with you that first day. Lovely girl, son. You have good taste. She put the wheels in motion for all of this. Somehow, it just worked."

Bella...I hardly heard anything else he said as we walked back to the house. This was Bella's doing. She must've heard me on the phone with him. Of all things for her to hear... This was the most thoughtful thing anyone had ever done for me. This went far beyond anything I could dream of doing for her. I excused myself when we got inside and went to my room, dialing her cell number as I took the stairs two at a time.

I got voicemail. Dammit! "Hi...Bella's voicemail...shit, I really didn't want to leave a message...I want to thank you. Bella...my dad...Edward, he's here. Because of you. Thank you..." I wiped my nose on my sleeve. "I...I don't know what to say...this is the best thing...Bella..." I closed my eyes as I paused to gather my thoughts. "Bella, this is amazing. You're amazing. Thank you." I hit the end button and finished, "I wish you were here honey. I love you. I miss you so much."


	85. Chapter 85

**Chapter 85**

The next few days were spent fulfilling my promises to Jack (ice skating, movie, science centre) and getting to know my dad. He came along with Jack and I on our expeditions after we went to get Edward some real winter clothes. Having been in Africa for years, he wasn't prepared for our kind of cold.

Bella didn't call me back, but she did reply immediately to every text Jack or I sent her, several times a day.

"Any chance of meeting her? I'd like to thank her in person for getting us together." He and I had gotten out on our own for a lunch, during which Bella texted to tell me she'd just heard a song that made her think of me. Sweet. I was smiling to myself when Edward asked about her.

"Hmph. You know I'd love it, but I just don't know. Texting seems to be the only form of communication she can handle right mow. Wanna text her?" I grinned as I offered my phone.

He rolled his eyes and laughed. "I'm not in the texting generation, I'm afraid. Email is impersonal enough. I like the old fashioned face-to-face meetings. Perhaps if I broached the subject with her...?"

I smiled appreciatively from across the table. "Thanks, but that might put too much pressure on her. It does give me an idea though...maybe I'll run it past Charlie first."

I got his number from Alice and called him that night. He felt fairly confident that Bella wouldn't freak out if we showed up so we arranged a time; the morning of Christmas Eve. And so the week, incredibly busy as it was, dragged on for me as I anxiously awaited seeing her. It was difficult to not let it slip in a text. I avoided telling Jack so he wouldn't tip her off either.

The night before, I tucked Jack in his bed and told him to get plenty of sleep because we were taking a little trip early in the morning. He woke me, excited as hell, very early. For once, I didn't grumble because I was equally excitable. I felt bad for Edward having to travel with the two of us.

He took it in stride though, keeping Jack amused while I made the hour long drive to Charlie's. We gave in and revealed our destination halfway there and Jack was overjoyed. The smallest things thrilled the kid and I hoped he would never lose that. It made him all the more lovable.

"Ready to see Bella?" I called over my shoulder. I certainly was! "This is her house." I parked alongside Charlie's police car.

"Woah!" Jack was thoroughly impressed. He loved emergency vehicles of all types.

"If you ask real nice, maybe Chief Swan will let you sit in it," Edward told him as he took his hand.

"Really? Will he, Edward?" Jack always looked to me to give it to him straight.

"I'd bet he would. Ask politely though."

I wiped my hands off on my jeans before ringing the doorbell. "This is nuts! It's like -15 and I'm sweating!"

Edward rubbed my back as he chuckled. "Easy now. You can't back out..."

The door opened as we grinned at each other.

"Bella!" Jack cried out and threw himself on her.

"Jack! Oh my god! Hi!" She picked him up and held onto him tightly, kissing his head and rocking him in her arms. "Oh my god, you can't believe how much I've missed you! You've grown so much! Got any teeth yet?" She stuck her finger in his mouth as he laughed at her.

She held onto him as she looked at me. "Hi...wow, you're...here. And I'm a mess! I just got up..."

"You're beautiful," I murmured before I could refrain from making an embarrassing comment. She blushed and smiled shyly as Charlie joined us.

"Ah! You're here, finally! Good to see you!" He greeted me with a gruff pat on the back, knocking me forward several inches...towards Bella, as it happened.

"Um, so I've brought someone else...all the way from Africa, via the Cullen house," I grinned. "This is my..."

"Edward Masen," he introduced himself. "Ed."

Okay, so that's what he preferred to be called. I looked at him nervously. "I never know what to call you."

"Ed's fine. Avoids confusion since there's already an Edward and a Dad." We both laughed with relief; that was resolved.

"Hmm. It's odd, but I don't see a resemblance at all." Ever the observant cop, Charlie took in the differences. Ed was several inches shorter with thinning dirty blond hair, hazel eyes and he wore glasses. Just a very ordinary, kind-looking man. I didn't possess a single one of his features.

We exchanged another grin, our vow to keep my biological father, James, out of our lives. "Lucky kid takes after his mother."

"Ah. Well, it's real good to meet you. You have a fine boy here." He slammed my back again, in the Charlie way of showing affection.

"I'd say the same for your daughter. Hello Bella. It's a pleasure to finally meet you after all the time I've spent reading about you." They smiled warmly at one another.

"So...Africa huh? Any good fishing in your parts?"

Bella and I chuckled as the men went to talk man stuff. "He knew you were coming," she commented.

"Yeah. I called him first to ask if we could."

She gave me a sweet smile. "Thank you for bringing Jack." She stood on her toes to kiss my cheek before turning her attention back to the little boy in her arms. "I missed you sooooo much!" She dug her fingers into his tickle spots to hear his giggle and laughed along with him.

I stood there admiring the sight. She was so fucking beautiful when she was lit up with affection this way. The sound of their laughter together reminded me of Bella's birthday night. The night I realized I'd never in my life be more in love with someone. And therefore, more crushed by someone.

She caught me staring. "Okay, you guys can entertain yourselves for a bit while I go clean myself up."

When she returned, showered and smelling fucking amazing, I couldn't stay away. She smiled and gave me a hug, thanking me again...for Jack, I presumed.

"Well, I've heard a rumour that there is a little boy here who's interested in police cars," Charlie stated officially. "Care to go have a look Jack?"

"Oh boy!" He jumped up and down with glee. "I mean, yesth pleasth! Can I Edward?"

"Of course you can! Don't touch anything and don't put your muddy boots on the seat, okay?" I squatted down to lay out the rules while I zipped his jacket. "Have fun!"

"Don't worry about the boots too much," Charlie said with a wink and the three went off, leaving Bella and I on our own.

I suggested a walk, so we bundled up and strolled down the street.

"So you know how floored I am by what you did...getting my dad here. I'm serious Bella, I've never had anyone do something like this for me. I'll never forget what you did."

She gave me a nod, but looked as though she were thinking of something else. Then she shook her head. "No. You have. The whole situation with your birth and parentage...it's all been about people loving you so much they'd do anything for you. You're just very loved." Her cheeks reddened and she looked down at the ground shyly. "You should know you've got Charlie completely charmed. I caught him the other day telling the pharmacist all about you and how you're gonna be the town doctor some day."

I chuckled along with her. "Wow. I honestly didn't think he'd get past merely tolerating me for awhile there."

"I knew he'd come around. How could he not love you?" She blushed even more as she used that word again. "He caught us texting yesterday and gave me shit too: 'Why don't you have a real conversation with the guy for chrissake!'" She mimicked him perfectly, making me laugh.

"So here we are..." I grinned. Talking about love...

"I have my phone. Do you?" she teased. "I can't believe you're here," she said, shaking her head.

"Is it okay?" I asked quietly.

She bit her lip as she ran ahead of me. Walking backwards, in front, she smiled her shy, playful grin. "It's _so_ okay. Race you to the donut shop! If I win, you're buying!"

I bought.

We laughed and made jokes over our coffee and never brought up our relationship. It felt relaxed and easy. Until I blew it...

"You look really great, Bella. Happy. I guess this was the best thing for you."

She stared at me for an eternity, expressionless.

Oh fuck. "Bella, what..." I stopped myself before I could utter those dreaded words: 'what are you thinking?'

She chewed on her lip, still staring into my eyes before sighing and looking away. "I guess this would be a good time to explore the new and improved me... I'm gonna tell you what I'm thinking. How I feel. What you just said? That hurt. Being alone, and miserable these past months may have helped me, but it wasn't the _best thing_ for me. I was happy before. Really, really fucking happy Edward. What you did for me...for my birthday when I fought you on it all the way...that was a pivotal moment for me. I loved you...but that night...you owned my entire heart. The song you wrote...and sang..._SOBER_!" She gave my knee a nudge under the table. "The way you looked at me...Cullen..." Pausing to control her trembling voice, she looked away. "That night I decided that if you loved me so much that you gave me exactly what I wanted...nothing but your love, and soooo much of it...I would give you what you wanted; the truth. I knew confessing my mistakes would be hard on both of us, but I... I didn't plan for it to all come out that way. I wanted to...I dunno..."

"Break it to me gently?" I offered with a grin.

"Yes. Thank you. Edward...I feel horrible that I hurt you so bad, finding out like that. With Jake in your face and all...If I'd known we were coming here, and that we'd see him and all... I just wish I had prepared us for it. I'm glad you know, because keeping that secret would have destroyed us one way or another, but I hate that it happened that way." She took my hand in both of hers before continuing. "None of this was for the best, but I'm making the best of it. Make sense?"

I pondered her statement instead of blurting out a response, most likely an apology. Rose would be proud of me for listening quietly all that time...and why was I thinking about that? Jesus man...focus! This isn't about you! "I think so. I don't know if I'll ever completely understand you...or any other female...but I'm doing my best to try," I replied honestly.

"What I'm saying is, the best that came out of this is that I'm growing away from my fears. The worst happened and somehow, slowly, I'm getting through it. I'm owning my mistakes and I hope that one day you'll forgive me."

"Bella...don't you know I already have?"

"You may have forgiven, because it's what you do, but you still hurt because of it." She was running her fingers up and down mine as she spoke, her eyes glued to our meshed hands. "Honestly, what hurts you more? The fact that I didn't break up with Jake when I should have, or that I kept it from you?"

"The secrecy," I responded instantly. "That hurt longer."

She nodded. "Thanks for being honest. I promise you the same from now on. Even if it hurts."

* * *

We somehow convinced Charlie and Bella to come with us for a Cullen Christmas. My parents welcomed them warmly and made them feel at home. I carried the gifts I'd intended to give to them at Charlie's back with us so we could all open together in the morning.

When our parents and Jack went to bed, we got a different idea.

"We should open our gifts to each other so there's no awkwardness in the morning..."Alice suggested, elbowing me.

"I'm cool with that!" Jasper grinned, bumping shoulders with Emmett. They went off to gather up the gifts.

I sat with Bella, who'd already done her gift exchanges not knowing we'd all be together. She helped me open mine from the others and we watched them tear through theirs together. It appeared to be wrapped up, or unwrapped as the case was, without the appearance of a certain pornographic selection so I figured Alice had decided to do that privately. Whew!

"Okay, we've missed a couple..." Jasper called out, buried under the tree as he dug. I wanted to go give his ass a kick. "Rosalie baby, I didn't forget..." He held up a small package and shook it. "Em? This one's yours dude." He tossed the box over to him. Oh. Christ.

"Jasper Whitlock!" Rosalie squealed as she opened her last gift. A necklace with a teardrop gem.

"Ruby, fiery red like my lady's love. I'm saving diamonds for another occasion," he winked at her. She let him put it on for her and then kissed him softly, tears rolling down her cheeks. We all looked away to let them have their moment.

"Well, I guess I'm the lucky one who gets to finish us off!" Emmett broke the silence, holding up his gift from Alice.

"Uh, I think we should leave it with Rosalie. Jaz's gift was a good ender..." I suggested, hoping beyond hope that they'd agree.

"No way!" he moaned.

Alice snickered. "Nope! He has to open it tonight. Oh and Edward wants to borrow it..."

"I do not!" I protested and threw a ball of paper at her head. "Okay Em, just open the damn thing and get it over with. This was all Alice's idea by the way."

Bella was looking at me with amused curiosity. "What is it? Alice didn't tell me," she whispered.

"Oooooh! Good one! You picked this? Really?" He gazed at Alice with new found interest. I guess she was right.

"My idea. Edward picked it out."

"Oh god..." I groaned as I buried my face.

"Yeah?" He smirked at me with one eyebrow raised. "Really? I'll let you know when we're done with it."

They all had a good laugh as they got up to peek at my selection. I dropped my head down and waited for the teasing to end.

"Did you know about this Bella?" Alice didn't let it go.

"About what?" She craned her neck to see the porn cover.

"Edward's dirty little secret? His hidden desire? His fantasy..."

"Shut up!" I groaned. Taking a deep breath, I looked up at Bella from the corner of my eye.

She was grinning and blushing. "I guess I kinda did." She nudged my leg and we giggled together. "There should be a phone involved somewhere too..."

"Oh! You too?" I laughed. "You're gonna torment me about this too huh? Well, I think we should all reveal our personal porn choice. See where everyone stands on this. It's only fair," I challenged.

"I like a good plot," Jaz played along as everyone laughed.

"He seriously does!" Rose admitted. "It's frustrating, 'cause he's like 'shh! Baby, I can't hear what they're saying!' and we have to watch it to the end. _Every time!"_

"That's why the collections are better," Em advised. "Keep 'em short and to the point. Beginning, middle and end, that's all you need."

"No no no! If they're short, you run the risk of it ending before you do and then you've got to warm up with the next one all over again!" Alice stated her view.

"See what you started?" Bella giggled beside me.

"Rose? You've been quiet..." Emmett turned it back to her.

"For a change!" I quipped as she poked her tongue out at me.

"Orgies," she stated and shrugged with indifference. "Bella?"

I closed my eyes, willing the torture to end. I hadn't wanted her involved.

"Yeah, I guess I'd like to borrow that one when you're done and he's done..." We all cracked up at her bold exposition and were still struggling to control it when Carlisle came downstairs.

"Okay kids, it's late. Jack will be up in a couple of hours...and my wife is nagging at me to come tell you all to go to sleep so..." He mimed a lip locking act and grinned at us. "Just keep it down, okay? And Merry Christmas."

* * *

_A/N ~ So near the end... loving your comments, so PLEASE keep them coming! More soon. :) ~ SR_


	86. Chapter 86

**Chapter 86**

Anxious to return to Bella after break, I asked Em if I could go with them when he took Alice back. Jasper and Rose were staying until the last minute, loving the time in a real home that included little Jack.

Once home, I wasn't even fully unpacked when Bella came down to my room. She stood in the doorway, watching me, smiling. I leaned on my desk and smiled back. "What?" I asked with a laugh after awhile.

"So, that gift was from Jack huh?" She had enjoyed the process of making films so much during her course, I'd picked out a camera when I shopped with Alice for Bella to use in future ventures into film making.

I grinned sheepishly and then turned serious. "That's what the tag said..."

"Jack. Really." She wasn't buying it for a second but she was being a good sport about it.

"What can I say? He's been saving his allowance. Kid's got a great eye for investments."

She cracked up, despite trying to chastise me for buying her a gift. "Thank you Cullen. I'm going to write a play for Jack and in the summer, we're filming it. He'll be the star." Her eyes were lit up just thinking about it. "You can be in it too."

I grinned but didn't respond either way. I noticed she still had the star/snowflake pendant on and it made me grin even more. "There's actually one more thing...I don't have it here. It wasn't finished when I saw you before we left for break and I just got back...obviously." I smirked looking at the pile on my bed from when I'd dumped my bag. "I have to pick it up still. I wasn't even meaning for it to be a Christmas gift. It's just something, for you."

"Cullen!" Her mouth twisted into a grin/grimace combo that was oddly appealing. Then she sighed and came further into my room to sit amongst all the crap on my bed.

"Uh, that's my dirty clothes pile," I warned her.

She shrugged and picked up her favourite shirt to wear...my Misfits tee. "So you're determined to give me stuff," she stated as she held the shirt against her.

"You can have that, if you want. After it's washed."

She grinned at me shyly. "I'm going to try to be more gracious in accepting things from you."

"Cool," I said simply.

"But you don't have to go now...for the other thing, do you? I think Alice and Emmett want some 'alone time' before he heads back to school himself. I thought maybe we could do something?"

Thank you Emmett! Thank you Alice! "Yeah? Like what?"

She shrugged. "I dunno. Just hang. Watch a movie or something."

"We could make one," I teased.

"Yeah...uh, no." Laughing, she stretched out on my bed on her belly, legs bent up the wall like she'd had a hundred times before; just not recently. "I'll make us dinner."

"We've got nothing edible! I have to shop tomorrow," I frowned. "We can go out?"

"Not a problem," she grinned as she left my bed. "I brought the food."

She made a pasta and meat sauce with a salad and I did the clean-up while we chatted and laughed about Christmas. My dad had gone back to Africa a few days earlier and I talked some about what it was like spending time with him. He was a really cool guy and I already missed him. Our time together had been like a dream, but it was made even more special by the fact that it was Bella who'd arranged the surprise for me; despite the fact that I'd hurt her.

"Woah...you guys have a party?" Bella spotted the mess we'd left downstairs before I remembered it.

"No...movie marathon. Me and Rosalie. I guess we got sidetracked..._shit!_ This is a rental! The late fees will be crazy. I should have just bought the damn thing." _'Pirate Radio'_ lay forgotten with the DVDs I owned.

"I'll go grab my coat. We'll take it back now."

I grinned appreciatively as I grabbed it, and an armful of cans to take out to recycle. Bella was back almost instantly with a deep blush on her cheeks.

"So, you know that awkward moment you talked about last year...how everyone has to walk in on their roommate at least once..."

I cracked up. "Damn! Was it like, full-on or just..."

"Uh, yeah..." she blushed even more. "You know the chair by the window? I won't be sitting on that again."

"What did they do when you walked in?" I asked, wide-eyed and still laughing.

"Em was like, 'shit! Sorry Bells!' and he grabbed his shirt to throw on Alice...which, I mean, what does that matter? I've seen her naked before it's the fact that she's sitting on his dick that caused the embarrassment. The shirt didn't really help." She was starting to see the humour in it now as well; her giggles began. "The funny thing is, I'm only in there for like, 10 seconds if that, and they only missed a couple of strokes. Even while Em's apologizing, she was still grinding on him!"

"Bella! You watched!" I couldn't resist taunting her. She would do the same if it were me.

"Well they were right there! Hello!"

"You could've looked away after the first couple of seconds it took to register," I continued teasing her.

"Would you?" she teased back.

"Totally! That's my brother! Gross!"

"Liar," she laughed as she slapped my shoulder. "You would've lingered."

I started to object but then relented, feeling my ears burning red. "Okay...but I'm a guy, we do that. Plus, I'm a curious guy..."

"Who's horny 24/7."

I shrugged. "Curiously horny? So...we should go?"

"Immediately!" She laughed and grabbed my jacket from the hall, shoving it towards me as I slipped my shoes on.

"By the window huh?" I said with an evil glint as my eyes drifted upwards when we got outside.

"Stop!" Bella giggled and pulled me away. "I know you're into that but it's your brother! You'll have nightmares!"

We returned home about an hour or so later, having stopped in a couple of places to get out of the cold. I set my new copy of _'Pirate Radio'_ on the table in the hall while I hung our jackets up. When I was told my charges for keeping it for 3 weeks, I told them to forget it and just charge me as a purchase. I wanted to own a copy anyway. Bella persuaded the guy to give me a new one rather than the rental. I would've just taken the used one, myself, to avoid the haggling. This was more of a partnership than she realized, I thought with a grin.

Bella stood shivering in the hall as she waited for me. I ran to my room and grabbed a hoodie for her. "Here, you don't want to have to go back upstairs again...or do you?"

"I'd send you this time," she laughed, hurriedly dressing. It hung off her, hiding her curves. Probably a blessing unless I was going to get at those curves myself. I found the fact that while I couldn't see any of her goodies, I still had vivid knowledge of what was hidden extremely appealing.

I cleared my throat to divert my attention from thinking of her naked. "You want to watch in my room or downstairs?"

"Downstairs, definitely. I'm laying out in front of the fireplace! I'm freezing!"

Oh boy. That didn't help. Now I had very graphic ideas of how I'd like to see her posed. And she was cold...her nipples would be so hard and suckable..._shit!_ I ran my hand through my hair considering a trip to the bathroom before my thoughts went any further and I made myself even more uncomfortable.

"Cullen? You coming?" Bella asked from the top of the stairs.

I smirked and shoved my hands in the pockets of my jeans before I followed her. Yes and no, I chuckled to myself.

"God it's cold! Remember how cold we were that first night we stayed together in your dorm room? I felt so bad taking your jacket...you were frozen. Even worse than now. And... Alice took a ride that night too!" She giggled at the flashback.

I altered the settings on the control panel to get the fireplace going full blast. "I'll get some blankets for us. Be right back." Was she trying to get me even hornier thinking of that night? She wasn't kidding about sprawling by the fire either...I found her a foot in front of it, her legs bent to hold her feet up to it. Chuckling, I draped a blanket over her and grabbed a cushion to rest her head on. Then I sat by her; near but not so close I'd be tempted to touch. I sat staring at her for the longest while as she warmed herself up. Was she hoping I'd hold her like that first night she was talking about? Was she wanting me to make a move?

"What?" She smiled over at me, catching me staring.

I had my chin resting on my arms folded across my bent knees and continued staring. "I had dinner with a friend that night before break...the night you went home." Where the hell did _that_ come from? Well, I couldn't rewind and say something different so I decided I'd take Rosalie's advice and just tell her about Renata. Clear the air and suffer the consequences.

"Okay..." She gave me a look I'd seen a million times, basically asking 'why are you telling me this, you idiot?'

I grinned at her response. "I know this is random. Something happened and I just want you to know before it comes out another way."

"Oh." She sat up, wrapping the blanket around her shoulders as she bit her lip and looked so vulnerable.

"We're friends," I explained. "That's all. But after dinner, we went back to her place..."

"And the lines blurred," she commented softly.

"Somewhat," I nodded. "We kissed. That's it - nothing more. I told her why nothing could happen and then I left. It's not a huge deal, but I guess it could be if it came out later on. I still have to see her a lot. She's another TA in science department."

"Ah, one your study group friends."

"Yep, us science nerds stick together. Jane's always there too, if that helps."

"Except for that day..."

"Yeah. If it's an issue for you, I won't spend so much time there. I'll finish up on my own, or ask Jane to come here. I don't want you to feel bad at all."

She chewed as she thought about it, playing with her fingers as she did. "She's a science nerd...so she's like, freakishly dull and unattractive right?"

"Hideous," I chuckled.

"Really?"

"No," I sighed. "But I'm only interested in one girl and she's not my one." I'd used that line successfully on her once before, maybe it would work again.

Bella smiled sweetly at me. "Do you work together a lot?"

"Mostly after class...she's been helping sort through my research for my thesis."

"That's important..." A frown line appeared on her forehead as her smile disappeared.

"You're _more_ important," I quietly informed her. "I'll work from home."

She shook her head. "It's not like I can keep you from working closely with women my entire life. They find you attractive Cullen, and I can't blame them. You're great." She looked at me directly. "But I trust you. Completely. So...while I can't promise not to be jealous, I won't doubt you." She frowned as she bit her lip. She was hurt...I'd hurt her...again.

"I'm sorry Bella. It was so stupid of me to be in that situation in the first place. It won't happen again."

A small grin reappeared. "Thank you for telling me. I can't rip on you for kissing a girl when we weren't even together. It would be so hypocritical after what I did to you. I hate that her lips were on you. But I'll deal."

"I'll introduce you, if you want."

"Maybe..." She smiled and looked down. "I want us to be friends."

"You and Renata?" That's weird...

Bella laughed and gave my knee a shove. "Me and you, silly."

"Oh." Fuck! Was I on the wrong track again? When would I learn? "I thought we were friends already...I..." Get this cleared up Cullen! Figure out where you stand this time. "Bella, I need to know something...I _am_ your friend, and that's great. I've missed hanging out with you so much...but I want more than that. Am I just dreaming? Or do I have a shot? I mean, I can handle it either way, I just want to know what...I don't want to get my hopes up for something that'll never happen."

"I hope you keep dreaming," she said immediately with a smile. "I don't know how to explain this...what I want...so bear with me okay?"

"I'm listening," I grinned. She hadn't said I _didn't_ have a chance!

"You told me a long time ago that you need to be friends with a girl before you can feel...like it's a whole relationship. Right?"

I nodded.

"I want us to be like we were in the beginning. Basically, start over. With honesty from both sides this time." She slid closer and took my hands in her own. "You're rubbing off on me. I've only ever written fact or fiction, nothing personal...no private thoughts in print. Well, I started keeping a journal."

"_'I'm slowing... turning... into you...'_" I sang softly with a grin.

She smiled back with a nod. "Exactly. You're welcome to read it. Any time."

Shaking my head, I reached out to cup her chin. "Thank you, but I'd rather hear anything you want me to know directly from you. I think it's great that you can write out your thoughts now, but that's for you. You should keep them for yourself...to help you sort through your own thoughts. There's poems I won't give to Eclipse for that reason...'cause they're just for me. You know?"

"But you let me read everything..."

"Because you already know... Bella, you _know_ me." I stopped talking as a nervous giggle escaped. "It may not be the smartest thing for you to know absolutely everything about me, but I'm completely exposed to you and I can't seem to have it any other way. It doesn't mean you have to be the same. I don't expect you to become me. I don't _want_ you to become me. Bella...I don't know how to explain this..." Running my hands through my hair, I gazed at her intently. "I want to know you, but it's more important that _YOU _know you and I reap the benefits of a self-satisfied Bella. You can own some of your thoughts. I don't mind."

She gave me a look of complete adoration and my heart swelled. "I want us to be best friends and fall in love with each other all over."

"I can do that!" I said quickly.

"Yeah?" she smiled.

"Most definitely." I gave her my crooked grin and giggled shyly. Yeah, I could definitely fall in love with Bella all over again.

* * *

_A/N ~ Damn! Bella should've nabbed that 'other' movie from Emmett while she was there...better yet, send Edward back for it and she could reap the benefits of him getting a live show. ;)  
Almost there! Want the last chapter tomorrow or in two weeks? I could hold off... 'cause I KNOW the ending! :P Thanks for reading. ~ SR_


	87. Chapter 87

**Chapter 87**

"Edward! Oh my god, I missed you so much!" Jane barrelled into the lab after my class and threw herself at me.

I laughed as I caught her and returned her hug. "Hey, did you get shorter?" Teasingly, I straightened to tower over her and pat her head.

"No, but I got fatter! I ate so much chocolate...oh! I brought you some."

"Ahhh...Belgian chocolate! You're the best. How was it? Good to see your parents in a pleasant atmosphere I guess."

She beamed at me. "You too huh?"

"You heard about my visitor?"

"Jeez Edward, he was_ soooo_ happy! I got an email, I swear, it took me an hour to read it...all about you and your family and Bella! Is it true? Bella and her dad spent Christmas with you?"

I nodded, grinning ear to ear. Her enthusiasm thrilled me even more. "It was awesome all around."

"Ugh! I'm jealous! I mean, Belgium was beautiful and being with my parents was great but when I read all about your break, I wished I was there too!"

"Come home with us for Easter break," I offered. "Ed won't be there, but it'll still be fun."

Blushing, she smiled at my invite. "He is seriously happy now, I mean it. Getting you back in his life has made a huge difference."

"For me as well," I admitted. He had a calming affect on me. I felt like I was seeing the big picture more now. And I felt I had an ally in him, no matter what. Hearing that I affected him also made even more of an impact.

"And Bella! You're back together?"

"Mmm...it's complicated. Not officially together, but definitely working on it - both of us." I couldn't contain my grin. It felt like my face would split.

"Hey guys! Back to work tonight?" Renata poked her head in the door of our lab.

"Hey! I brought chocolate...you like white, right?" Jane held a small gift bag out for her.

"Love it! Sweeeet! So we'll have chocolate for dinner?"

She didn't seem awkward about our evening together. It either really was nothing or she was just as determined as I was to make it nothing. "Sorry...I'm on Davis' clock tonight. I've still got reports to do and an errand to run for him."

"What's the errand? I can do that while you work on your reports," she offered.

"I...uh...it's okay. I have to pick up some books. I can do it..."

Jane giggled as she leaned against my desk beside Renata. "He wants to go see his girlfriend...she works there."

I blushed and the uncontrollable grin returned.

"Oh, okay. Well, let me know what your schedules are like this semester. We'll figure out what times are best for us all. Cool?"

"Very," I smiled appreciatively at her. "Thanks Renata."

Nothing went well from there on. The files I required for the new kids coming in to class the next day were locked in Davis' desk. I had to disturb him at home. He told me where to find the key rather than coming back. Whew! Saved some time there! Then the computers crashed. The battery on my laptop was dead and I'd forgotten the adapter at home.

"For fuck sake!" I blurted out in frustration.

"You can use mine," Jane offered to placate me.

I gave her a grin for the attempt to make things right for me. "Thanks, but you don't have the program I need. Shit! I thought they were getting this sorted out over break. Stupid techies."

"I know...they're useless. And they're all geeks," she laughed.

Laughing along, I started looking for the long forms I'd need instead. "Wonder what they say about science nerds?"

Jane worked on the forms with me for the next two hours and then I helped her with her duties so we could both leave. "I don't know what I'd do without you Jane. Honestly. I was scared when you were brought in...I had you all wrong. Sorry if I was ever an ass to you."

She scrunched up her face. "Are you kidding? You're the reason I stayed! You were the only one who gave me a chance. It's not like I have a lot of experience with formal classes. Or socializing with people my age with my education. I felt like the biggest boob, a total duck out of water, but you were always patient and friendly. I'd seriously be back in Africa right now if you were an ass."

"And I'd never know the awesomeness of my cousin," I grinned.

"You're a good guy Edward. Things work out for you because you're a good person."

"You believe in fate Jane?" Lady Fate had a strong tendency to kick my ass, but maybe it was for a reason. Maybe she was looking out for me after all.

She nodded fervently. "Always have. Even more now that I've met you."

I gave her a hug before zipping up my backpack. "Thanks for everything Jane. And for the chocolate!"

"Take some for Bella!" She held out more bars.

Laughing, I shook my head. "You should feel the weight of this bag as it is. I'll share mine with her."

"See? Good guy." She grinned and shoved two more in my jacket pocket.

I ran as fast as I could with 80 lbs on my back. It was beyond freezing and there were slippery patches on the sidewalks. As I approached the bookshop, I felt my footing go awry and I had enough time to be fully aware of the outcome and curse, but not enough time to grab onto anything. Flat on my ass on the ice, I cursed some more.

"Do you need some help son?" A lady who looked to be around 90 stopped to offer me assistance. Great.

I offered a grin and thanks, embarrassed more than enough already. "You be careful yourself," I warned her. "I was careless...didn't see this patch 'cause I'm in a rush." I eventually managed to stand myself up and limped my way to the door. The lady was long gone, apparently better on her feet than I was. Great. Really great.

"Hi, can I help you?" A young guy I didn't recognize was behind the counter. Fuck sake! I killed myself to get here and Bella wasn't even working? Stupid stupid stupid...

"Picking up," I mumbled as my face began to thaw from the cold. "For Davis. And uh, you've got some ice out there in front...you should see to that. I wiped out."

"Really? Oh, um...I'm new..."

"So's the ice..."

"I'll get Bella..."

"She's here?" My spirits picked up immediately. Even more when I saw her coming out of the back.

She grinned widely when she saw me as well. "Thanks Eric. I'll take care of this guy. He's a regular."

"Um, there's ice out front..." He looked mortified.

"I wiped out," I smirked.

"And I missed it?" She checked out my ass while she giggled. "You're a little wet."

"Mmm. Comes with clumsiness."

"Shouldn't we, um, do something?" Eric was shocked by our casual banter.

"We should. We will." Bella replied, her eyes glued on me. "For the sake of city sidewalks, I suggest you hang out..._INDOORS_...until I'm done here. I'll give you a drive back with the books."

"Yeah? Cool." I liked the idea of being with Bella so much I didn't even give the Red Monster a second thought. "I'll just go get some coffee...can I leave my bag?"

I returned with my own, a mocha for Bella and a black coffee with all the fixings on the side for the new guy. We were introduced and I discovered he was one of the newbies I'd have in Chem 101 the next day.

"Thank god," he sighed. "I had Bio today and the TA for that class is smokin'! I'm flunking for sure."

I glanced quickly at Bella. Her reaction took me by surprise. She wore the same grin she used to when Tanya and friends would giggle at me in the shop. She was amused, not angered or irritated.

"My ass is really sore," I groaned when Bella sent him to bring up my order and get the ice salt for the front.

"Poor baby," she giggled. "I'm sorry you're hurt, but I wish I'd seen it!"

"I know," I chuckled. "I was thinking you'd have appreciated my form and style."

"There was a little dance before the fall, wasn't there?" she laughed some more. "Arms and legs all over?"

"I almost came through the window!" I laughed with her and suddenly remembered the chocolate in my pocket. "Oh, and here...from Jane. It's frozen. And a little broken."

"Just like you!" She tore open the wrapper and took a piece for herself and slid a chunk in my mouth. "I've really missed this."

"I'm always a source of amusement..." I grinned, leaning over the counter like the old days. "And mocha. Hey...did you miss me or the mocha delivery service?"

"Both," she said, taking a sip. "I haven't had one since you last bought."

"Seriously?" I asked softly. "Is that because you don't really like it?"

She shook her head. "It made me think of you," she replied. "And miss you too much."

"And you had no one to..." I reached over and wiped the tip of her nose, "...take care of the whipped cream."

"Exactly," she smiled with a blush on her cheeks. "No one takes better care of me. _AND_ makes me laugh consistently!"

"I do my best Bella...I do my best."

* * *

And so our process of falling in love all over began as it had the first time. Meeting each other with food and drink. Me making her laugh. Her making me melt. My ass was sore for a good while and the bruise on my hip stuck around like a talisman. Every day in the shower, it reminded me of Bella and how she was just like the girl I first fell for, yet so much more somehow. She surprised me at the lab one day, a couple of weeks into our new courtship.

"Anyone hungry?" She came in with bags of food. Sandwiches from the gourmet deli Rosalie liked, as well as salads, drinks and desserts.

"Hey! I didn't hear your truck!" I smiled in surprise.

"Mmm-hmm. Em's been working on it. Sounds better huh?"

Thank you Emmett! I made a mental note to do something nice for him in return. "What do we owe?" I reached for my wallet as Jane and Renata dug out their money as well.

"_MY_ treat!" She came around to my side of the desk and gave me a kiss. It was light and sweet and entirely for Renata's benefit, I knew, but it still made me tingle.

I pulled another chair over, close to mine for Bella. "You gonna hang out here or are you going home after you eat?"

"I thought I'd hang...we can go home together?"

I smiled and gave her my pickle. She liked them more than I did. "Where's your books? No laptop?"

She shook her head. "I thought I'd help you instead, if that's okay. I'm kinda curious to see what you're doing with your thesis...if you don't mind."

It was my turn to give her a small kiss. "I'd love your help. Thank you."

Bella was more than comfortable around Renata. She made it clear that she had spent her fair share of time here in the past, she knew Jane on a more personal level than Renata did and I was _HER'S_. It wasn't a clingy, desperate show of domination, it was confidence in me and our relationship. The new Bella. I was falling heavily in love with this one too.

I commented on her very cool attitude on the way home.

"Really? You thought I was chill? I was totally nervous! That chick_ is_ smokin'!" She laughed at her different interpretation of the evening. "I felt totally inadequate next to her."

"No way. Well, not to me...but I'm completely biased because I think everyone's inadequate next to you. I'm a snob that way," I joked.

She chuckled, taking my joke as it was intended. "So Cullen, I was thinking of moving back to my old room. Emmett's doing that co-op thing this semester..."

"Yeah, 2 weeks of class, 2 weeks working..."

"Mmm...so he'll be here a lot more. It would be nice to give them some space. What do you think?"

I grinned. My penis did as well at the thought of her being right next door again. "Great! I'll help you move tonight!"

"Well, I was thinking about this weekend, myself!" she laughed.

"Fine. You can stay in my room until we get your stuff down then," I teased. Uh...more hoped actually, but I didn't want to seem pushy.

She didn't comment; just bit her lip and smiled.

* * *

"Did you get my shirt washed yet?" she asked as we walked up the driveway at home.

"Your shirt?" Did I have something of hers in my room? I didn't think she'd left anything.

"Oh, you changed your mind? I can't have your Misfits tee?"

"Oh! Yeah yeah. That's clean now. Sure, you can have it."

"Good, then I don't have to go upstairs. I love sleeping in that shirt."

I paused with my key in the lock. Was she serious? I heard her giggling behind me. "Ugh. Don't fuck with my lower mind Bella. It's doing somersaults in my pants right now."

"Good. You're warmed up then."

I gulped and hurriedly turned the key. She wasn't fucking joking. I shoved the door open and dropped by bag on the hall floor before pulling her in with me. I was kissing her even as I tried to get my jacket unzipped. It got snagged.

She giggled against my lips and pushed my hands away. "Let me do that." Her magical little fingers got it uncaught and she pulled my jacket off for me before removing her own. I started to hang them up but she grabbed them and tossed them on the floor as she kicked her shoes off. I did the same as we looked at each other longingly.

"Uh, I'm gonna need a breaking in period," I giggled as her hands moved across my chest.

"Re-training?" Her mouth sought mine and I quivered at the feel of the tiny steel ball I'd almost forgotten.

"Mmmm," I moaned. "A lot of training."

"We should get that underway then." She was inching me towards my room as we did our banter, all the while working on my shirt buttons.

I tossed it aside in my room and kicked the door shut before pulling her sweater off swiftly. She had the sapphire blue tank on that I loved. No bra. Please let her be wearing the thong that was the same colour!

"My desk or yours?" She teased me with a smirk as she slid her jeans down.

"Mine. It's closer." I stripped down to my boxers as I took in the view. Yes! "Mmm...those are my favourite..." My fingers slid in the tiny waistband.

"I know," she whispered against my throat, her hands on my waist, urging my hips against hers. "You want a test run before we do the actual..."

"Nope." I lifted her onto my desk and kissed her as I'd dreamt of doing every night since the weekend at Charlie's. "Don't move," I grinned as I ran to my nightstand to prepare myself. "Do you need anything?" I asked as I rolled it on.

"Just what's in your hands. Now!" she laughed from across the room.

I returned to her, naked but for the thin layer of latex. Lifting her, I slid her panties down and held her against me while we kissed. "Mmm..."I chuckled. "I'm gonna regret not doing the test run. I apologize in advance."

"We have all night..." She kissed me, digging her fingers into my shoulders.

"All week if you want..." I pulled her tank up and off, taking one perfect tit into my mouth.

"All semester..." she sighed, arching her back for me and spreading her legs around my waist.

"Our whole lives..." I whispered against her mouth as I guided myself inside her. We both let out a moan and held onto each other tightly as we began moving together.

I laid awake most of the night, watching her, stroking her hair gently as she let out soft snores. I had better endurance than I thought, or she knew me well enough to know what I needed at the right moment. The first round hadn't been a total disaster and the ones that followed were explosive for us both. She pleaded with me to forgo the condoms; to let her take care of birth control for us. I agreed, showing my complete trust in her. The sex was unbelievable, but the way we were together...the open trust, the purely loving touches, the way we just knew each other while we made love was the best feeling I'd ever had. Eventually I drifted off with a smile on my face.

Even though I hadn't slept much, I was still awake before she was. "Good morning," I mumbled softly when she stirred.

"Cullen..." she mumbled back with a sleepy smile and hugged me tightly against her. "I dreamt about you."

"That wasn't a dream," I teased, kissing her head.

Giggling, she drew circles in my belly hair. "Mmm...I know. That's the best part. I'm one lucky chick."

"Yeah. You really are..." I lifted my head, smirk in place to wait for her reaction. Instead of the slap I anticipated, she sat up and swung a leg over me.

"Oh, I know. Now you're gonna see how lucky you are."

"Ah,_ FUCK!_ Bella..." I cried out as she leaned forward and backed herself onto my pleasantly surprised, rock hard morning dick. Perfectly orchestrated, her point was well proven. I was one seriously lucky bastard.

* * *

I finished moving her things back home while she was at work on Sunday and then went to meet her.

"You're insane Cullen! It's freezing...you didn't have to walk over here. I'd see you in a few minutes at home! But I love you for it. Come here..." She tugged on the front of my jacket and drew me in for a there's-more-later kiss.

Hands in pockets to cover up, I smiled down at her. "We've got a stop to make. Remember I had something for you that wasn't quite ready before break? It's ready. We're going to get it now."

"What is it?" she asked with a glint of anxiety.

"You'll see. It's perfect timing now. Like a welcome home gift."

"Cullen! Tell me!" she giggled.

"Uh-uh. You have to wait. But the sooner you get done here, the sooner we can get over to..."

"Where? Where is it?"

"Finish Bella!" I grinned, enjoying the game.

"Hey! Bree lives here." Bella commented as we pulled up in front of her building.

"Whew! Then I got the address right. That's a good thing."

"And we're at Bree's...why?"

"Because that's where your surprise is silly girl!" I opened her door for her and gave her a kiss as she stepped down. We took the stairs up to her apartment at a rapid pace. She was waiting for us.

"Come on, come on!" She waved at us from her door at the end of the hall. "I'm dying to see what you think of it Bella!"

"Think of what?" Bree pulled us inside and stood back for Bella to take a look. I'd already seen the finished product. "Oh...oh my god! Bree? You did this?"

She nodded excitedly with a laugh. "Edward's design, my skill. What do you think?"

"I...oh my god!" Bella's hands went to her face as she started to cry. "I can't believe you did this. It's... It's beautiful. And perfect. And...oh my god!"

I had taken gotten pictures from Charlie of Renee and asked Bree if she could replicate one as a portrait. Together, we came up with the idea of a family portrait. She had sketched Charlie with his wry grin and a smiling, healthy Renee, both looking down at Bella. She used muted colours only to highlight certain aspects. Charlie had a glint of adoration in his eyes. Renee had a burst of colour in her cheeks and Bella had dark chocolate eyes and ruby lips. Bree tinted her star pendant as well and somehow managed to capture the sparkle of the snowflake inside. It was absolutely stunning.

"Do you like it?" Bree asked anxiously? "I can change it if there's something wrong..."

"No! I... I love it. I do!" She grabbed my hand and squeezed it while she wiped away her tears. "How long... When did you two plan this?"

I shrugged and Bree smiled, keeping our secret. I'd asked for it after I'd broken up with Bella. Feeling like an ass, I wanted to give her something beautiful to remember her mom by. It evolved into something entirely different.

"Seven can't illustrate a pig in icing worth shit, but she's really fucking good with pencils," I teased. We thanked her again and carried the portrait down to the Red Monster.

Once inside, Bella turned to me. "I love this Cullen. But there's something missing..."

I frowned as I turned to examine it. "What did we miss?"

"You," she said softly.

I grinned and shook my head. "No honey. _You_ missed it. I'm right up there." I turned the overhead light on in the truck and pointed to the twin stars between her parents. "I'm right there. With you. Always."

* * *

_A/N ~ *sob* And so I bid farewell to these crazy kids. My sweet Edward and befuddled Bella. Rocking Jaz and feisty Rose. Ahhh... I hope you'll miss them as much as I do already. There may be a bonus chapter in a couple of weeks if I get enough feedback. ;) So speak up!  
Oh and I highly recommend the mini story within the reviews...you should all go check it out! lol Thanks all, and I hope you've enjoyed my little story that got stretched out beyond even my own imagination. X X ~ SR_


	88. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

"We are so late!" Bella peered out her window at the mass waiting outside The Underground as I tried to find a parking space.

"I know, I know. I had to shower though; I reeked." I was doing rounds in the children's ward at the end of the day and had gotten caught in the line of fire. Vomit from shoulder to shoe. "I gotta learn how to duck aside faster."

Bella smiled wryly at me as I pulled into a spot. "I don't think it's ducking that's the issue here." She chewed on her lip as she blushed. "I'm so proud of you, you know that don't you?"

We leaned across the seat to kiss. "Tonight's not about us though - ready to go in?" We linked hands and wove through the crowd to the entrance. It was roped off with a sign:

'Closed for a private event  
By invitation only'

"Any chance of sneaking in?" I quipped at the door.

"Cullen! Jesus Christ, you're here!" Embry grabbed me in a bear hug, cutting off air flow.

"Shit! You're even bigger than the old days!" I laughed.

"Been a long time dude," he grinned. "Too long. Sweet Cheeks? Is that you darlin'?"

Bella blushed again at the use of her old nickname. "Haven't heard that in years Embry! How are you?" She laughed as he picked her up and left her feet dangling above the cement.

"Go on in kids. The whole gang is here already."

We marvelled at the scene once we were inside. It had been renovated, obviously, but in honour of the event, there were cameras set up everywhere and waiters in tuxedos carried around trays of hors d'oeuvres and champagne flutes. "Shit, I feel underdressed," I said to Bella as we each took some champagne.

"You look great." She smiled at me with adoration.

"And you are stunning," I smiled back. She wore an ivory strapless dress with black beadwork on the bodice and very sexy fuck-me heels that made her legs look a mile long. Her hair was pinned up loosely and I fought to resist the urge to nuzzle her neck. "We should go find everyone before I take you to a more private place so I can..."

Giggling, she linked her arm through mine. "You'll ruin my make-up. Again." Okay, so that was the real reason we were so late...I'd come home reeking of puke to find Bella all dressed and ready. I'd coerced her into a quickie that wasn't so quick after I'd showered off. And I could go again.

"Oh! I see Ellie!" Bella waved back as she spotted our friend waving us over to a table up front.

"Hey! This is our table. You guys look awesome!" She hugged us both before pointing out all the special things the club had done for the occasion. "Isn't it amazing? I can't believe all this is happening!"

"And you even got a babysitter! How's my sweetheart doing?"

Sam and Ellie had a beautiful one-year old daughter of whom I was the proud godfather. Ellie lit up. "She's great. So great. Got another tooth today! She was looking for you!"

We all cracked up. I was also her favourite teether. "Tell her I'll see her on the weekend," I grinned. "We should go back and say hi to the guys before we settle in."

"Definitely! Jack's back there with your parents too." Ellie shooed us away to find the others.

Backstage was a zoo. More cameramen wandered around the crowded space and grumbled about having restricted access to the sidestage. We determined that's where everyone we wanted to see must be. My parents were just coming out as we approached.

"Good! You're here!" Carlisle embraced us warmly. "We're escaping. It's claustrophobic back there!"

Esme released Bella and gave me a hug. "So handsome. You make a stunning couple."

"Well she does..." I winked at Bella. "She makes up for what I lack."

"Go see the boys!" Esme slapped my shoulder playfully. "They've been wondering where you are!"

We spotted Jack instantly, tuning his brother's guitar. He broke into a wide grin when he saw us. "Jaz said to give you shit when I see you," he called out.

"Language Jack!" I admonished him loudly before leaning in for a private talk. "If Mops hears that she'll kick your ass and then mine for letting you talk that way." I grinned at him before pulling him up for a hug. "Where is Jaz anyway? And why are you his bitch now? That used to be my job!" I teased.

Jack was so like Jasper, good-natured, older than his years and a really cool kid. I couldn't believe he was a teenager already. He pointed to the bathroom. "He's nervous."

"Ah. Where's Rosalie?"

"She went back to the hotel to get his shirt. He forgot it."

Bella rolled her eyes. "She'll be happy about that!"

Just as we began imitating an irritated Rose, in she burst. "Where is the stupid jackass? Oh. You finally made it. Nice of you to make an appearance. You couldn't come half an hour ago so you could've been his errand boy?" She flicked my ass on her way past me to Bella. "You look so fucking gorgeous it's unfair. I look like a cow."

"No! No you don't!" Bella began placating her.

"Honestly...Edward, you're the only one who will tell me the truth to my face...cow?" She gave me a profile view and then stuck her ass out before turning to face me again. "Cow, right?"

"Rosie, you have never looked more beautiful," I said as I took her face in my hands. "Look at me...Rose?"

She turned her eyes to me reluctantly. There were already tears forming. "If you make me cry..."

"Rosie, seriously. Pregnancy suits you. You are so fucking happy it makes you glow. It's like there's a shimmering haze all around you and you're drop-dead gorgeous. Honestly. I wouldn't lie to you."

They were expecting twins within a month and Rosalie was filled with anxiety and nerves and wonder and excitement. She was going to be an amazing mother. She already had been to Jack for the past 3 years. After Jasper was established in his musical career, they'd bought a farm. Rose, on a fucking farm! And she loved it! Jack went to live with them and he helped Rosalie with her business whenever Jaz was on tour. They ran a program for abused kids to come and ride the horses and learn how to tend to them and just feel useful and wanted. They did a fantastic job. Their home was filled with laughter and music and more love than anyone could imagine. Bella and I spent as much time there as we could. She and Rose were inseparable.

"You are such an asshole," she grinned through her tears as she slammed her hand into my chest. "I told you not to make me cry. But I love you."

Jack and Bella giggled together watching us. Some things would never change.

"Holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck..." Jasper muttered as he joined us. "Shit...where's Mops?"

"Out there, don't worry." I wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pulled him to the side. "You okay man?"

He grinned nervously, holding up his quivering hands. "How the fuck am I gonna play?"

"The same as you always do...get up there and feel it. The nerves will subside."

"I need a drink."

I shook my head. "Nah. That's my schtick. You do, however, need a shirt...unless this is a new image for you?" I slapped his bare chest.

"Yeah...Rosie's gone to get...where the fuck is she?"

"Right here you tool! And you're welcome!" She tossed his shirt at his head.

"Baby, you're the best," he smiled at her sincerely.

"You just remember that when you're out at fabulous parties and I'm home with a kid of yours on each boob."

"Baby, I'll be right there beside you. Promise."

I stepped aside to let them have their moment and greeted the rest of the guys before a last moment with my best friend.

"So, in honour of the big event, I brought you something." I passed over a box I'd had Emmett drop off for me earlier.

"Yeah? Cool! Let's see what we have...Jesus fuck Edward! Where did you find this?" he screamed excitedly as he took it out of the box. It was an exact replica of the leather jacket he had adored and I had ruined when we were teens.

"I swear not to puke on this one!" I laughed as he pulled me into an embrace.

"This is awesome man! Thank you! It should be me giving you a gift though...if it wasn't for you..."

"Jaz..." I cut him off.

"I wouldn't be here. None of this would be happening," he continued despite my attempt. "I owe you. Everything..." he choked on his last word as I felt a lump form in my own throat.

"If you make me fucking cry...!" We both shouted with a laugh.

"You'll be great. Just have fun." With my last words to him, I grabbed Bella and Jack and headed out to our seats. Friends flocked over in drones, it was tough to keep up. When I spotted Charlie, I excused myself to go share our latest news.

"We got the lot! Papers are signed...it's ours!" I grinned at him. We'd put an offer on an acre of property near Charlie's house and had been waiting to hear if it was accepted for weeks.

"Couldn't be happier for you kids! Will the house be ready for you?"

Emmett was building our dream house. He already had the plans and zoning papers drawn up, just waiting for approval. It had taken him 3 years to complete his and Alice's, but he vowed to get ours done much sooner since it was a paying job this time.

"Not a hope in hell!" I laughed. "We're holding off selling the condo 'cause we'll definitely be needing it for a bit after the honeymoon."

"Honeymoon? What's that?" Leah suddenly appeared at our sides, grinning from ear to ear. "You're finally marrying her huh?"

I chuckled as I hugged Leah. "Your invitation will be out shortly. Bella's working on them."

"What took you so long?"

"That's what I've been asking," Charlie quipped with his usual smirk.

"I...we wanted to...I'm still finishing my pediatric residency! I didn't want to marry her and never be home!" I explained with a nervous giggle I still hadn't managed to lose. We'd talked about a wedding when I'd finished med school, but then we'd decided I'd complete a further program to do what I really loved before we became husband and wife. I guess I had it figured out the day I first met Jack in the park, that I wanted to work with kids.

"It's fine son." Charlie slapped me on the back. "The intent was always there and it's given Bella time to do her thing too."

"Did you see Bella's movie?" I asked the small crowd that had gathered around. "_'Snowflakes_', go see it. It's still in small theatres and the DVD comes out...geez! Next week!"

Charlie grinned at my enthusiasm towards Bella's accomplishments. I honestly couldn't have been more proud of her. She wrote her screenplay during my second year at med school and had finally sold it. It was a montage of short stories about various people brought together, who's lives were forever changed by that one moment they had. It was beautifully written. She was on set as a creative producer for the filming and brought Seven along as set designer.

Bella had another written, pending approval from Jack freakin' White! It was based on_ 'Take, Take, Take'_ and she wanted to give him credit. If he agreed...and if was part of it? Holy fuck! I'd cream myself. Yeah. I still have that little problem...

Leah beamed proudly as well, drawing me back to the present. "I've preordered _'Snowflakes'_ even though Bree thinks I'm nuts!" She and Bree had been together 2 years now and seemed incredibly happy. They came out as a couple at the premiere, surprising us all.

"There she is! The chick who stole my husband!" Leah teased as she pulled Bella into our group as she passed by.

"You coulda had him babe!" Bella teased back. "You waited too long." She wrapped her arms around my waist and snuggled in. "We got the lot Dad!"

"I know baby girl. Congrats. You know you can stay with me until the house is ready..."

"Yeah? And what...have Edward sleep downstairs?" She joked with Charlie as they went off for a talk.

"Big night!" Leah smiled with a tear in her eye. "I remember when..."

We both laughed and related old stories of the beginning of Eclipse. Tonight, they were finishing off an international tour and filming the show for future release with interviews and all the excitement of the night. A thank you for the fans who'd put them into theatre-sized gigs now and had them on the top 10 downloads chart several times They were also receiving an award for the top selling indie band of the year. They performed the song that blew the record off the charts first: _'No One's Son'_. I didn't even hate the way Ty sang it...too much.

I marvelled that night over how far we'd all come. Every battle had been fought side-by-side, every celebration enjoyed together. And there was still so much to come.

_'No One's Son'_ had put my friends on the music industry map, but it was my life story. I got through my identity crisis and came out with three parents. And as it goes, those three parents cared for, cheered on, protected, advised and loved me as well as the sorry bunch of friends I'd collected...the family I chose.

That was a pivotal year for me, as a man. Through my father, Ed, I learned complete selfless love. Giving me to the Cullens was the most difficult thing he'd ever done, in his own words, but the right thing.

From them I learned unconditional love. They loved me without judgement every second of my life. Me and all my flaws.

And my Bella...from her, I learned of eternal love, for there would never be a day in this life or thereafter that she wouldn't own my heart. And I, hers.

Those three parents, my devoted friends and the love of my life made me the man I am. A man, walking in the footsteps of his father; still my hero. Still the father I would choose...if he hadn't chosen me first...**  
**

* * *

_A/N ~ This brings us to an end...perhaps a new beginning down the road. I've had so much enjoyment writing these characters, I thank everyone who followed along and took to them as much as I did. Thanks for all the comments, suggestions, questions, criticism, encouragement... It's been awesome. XX ~ SR_


End file.
